Dressing in private not satisfying anymore... need to get out.

[Alexis.j]

This secret/private dressing is not working for me any more, I have the urge to get out there in real life, I hate keeping secrets and want friends and family to see me for who I am. Ive been dropping subtle hints for a while now, but nobody seems to notice... busy taking it further every day and see what happens. Its way to depressing for me to keep my feminine side suppressed as I have been doing.
Haha as queen once sang, "I want to break free!"

[Ressie]

I never could myself. Maybe the hints will better prepare everyone for your debut. How old are you if I may ask? And what part of Africa?

[Nicola2876]

I know what you mean. Acting like another person all my life has lead to depression and sometimes desperation. I just want to be me and that would mean dressing in the clothes that I like.

[Alexis.j]

Dee: 33, south africa, more precisely cape town. Lol, hoping the hints might help.

[MsRenee]

All I can say is be happy.
True friends and family shouldnt have any issues with that. If they do then their realy not your friends.
Coming out is a big step one truely being you and being able to express yourself to the world.
Big hugs n wishes fr you on this new journey of your life.
Renee

[Ressie]

Maybe age shouldn't be a factor, but it's probably more difficult to come out as time goes on. Some of us would have come out in our teens if we weren't told to act like a man etc. Acceptance is important but rejection can be devastating. Coming out is a risk as far as that goes, but if you're miserable in men's clothes it will be worth it in the long run. There will be rejection by some, but acceptance by those that are caring and sympathetic.

[Erica Marie]

I hear you and I feel your pain. Im not quite ready for my kids and family to know, but I am more than ready to open the closet door and head out.

[Kimberly Renee]

This secret/private dressing is not working for me any more, I have the urge to get out there in real life, I hate keeping secrets and want friends and family to see me for who I am.


True friends and family shouldnt have any issues with that. If they do then their realy not your friends.

I disagree (kinda) about true friends and family not having an issue. If you shock them you can expect a wide range of reactions, even from those who truly value you and will eventually get over the shock. Prepare your friends and family.

There are many anecdotal stories on this forum and others of people who just "switched" presentation without warning. Some had good results, others not. If you take an "I don't care what you think" attitude, that might translate into "I don't care about you".

IMO - have direct conversations with those closest to you and send letters to the rest of your circle. Indicate this is something you feel you must do and ask them for their support (not permission). Let them know that you value their friendship. Include an invitation to your coming out party! :)

[Alexis.j]

Thanks for that tip Kimberly, never thought of it that way...

[Lynn Marie]

I wish you well. Both getting out and coming out are terrifying experiences, but so very satisfying when done.

[MysticLady]

Hi Alexis

Do what I did. Put on some high heels and just go out dancing. Be Sure to have heat pads and some medicated lotion for your legs and feet afterwards or do what some of the smarter ladies here have said, take some back up flats.....duh.:heehee:

[Alexis.j]

That sounds like fun Victoria...
I love my heels, but haven't actually tried dancing in them yet...mmm...
Ive actually seen many gg's in my life walking out barefoot with heels in the hand.

[I Am Paula]

When I went to full time female presentation, most of my close friends and family either knew already, or suspected. Tell them first.
As for the general public, I found that if for the most part they only see you one way, or the other, acceptance is easier. If they see you both ways, they assume fetishist, perv, etc.
Im' only in drab very occasionally, but when I am I go to different bank branches, gas stations, et al. Keeps the confusion down.
Going completely public was MUCH MUCH easier than I thought it would be. People just see me, and accept me for what I am. I don't pass well, but my confidence convinces people I'm no threat, or some kind of wierdo.
Stepping out can be terrifying, exhilerating, and empowering, seperately, or all at once. It gets easier as it goes too. Try a gay bar, or LGBT meeting first, to get your feet wet (sore). But please don't just re-closet yourself inside the trans community, it's NOT the real world.
Good luck!

[MsRenee]

When my family and friends found out what I was hiding, my family stood behind me a fully supports me because they see me as being a much happier person.
My friends well lets just say that after My recent lay off several years ago has thinned out when I wouldnt pay for the fun we were having so. In time I found newer friends and left then to ponder what they lost in my friendship.
Some will stay and some will leave is all I was saying , but eventually they will find out from word of mouth.
Renee

[Beverley Sims]

I would break free by taking window shopping trips to the mall.
Look around the various departments that you did as a male and take note of the different feelings you experience.

[Stephanie47]

I am an in-home cross dresser. I yearned to go out en femme. In the beginning I only took evening drives. Later, I took walks after parking the car. Was it satisfying? Yes. After awhile the luster was gone. It was, well, walking around in a dress. There was no interaction with others. I sort of analyzed what benefit would I get from 'outing' myself to others or even appear en femme before my wife, who knows but does not want anything to do with it.

'Outing' yourself to family, friends, and co workers affects not only your relationship with them, but, also the relationship they have with others. If the neighborhood knows you are a cross dresser, what effect will that have on a wife or children? Will the wife be pitied or shunned? Will the kids be ridiculed at school? Will the church tossed you off the elder or deacon board? These are issues to ponder.

If there is a pent up desire to go out fully en femme and interact with others, my recommendation is to find a new circle of acquaintances and friends with a similar interest. If there is a support group in the area, maybe that is a realistic place to be en femme. I've thought about going out en femme. I see absolutely no benefit FOR ME to go to the local plastic modeler club en femme. If I go to a venue like that, I go with the thought of discussing modeling.

It's a difficult decision for you to make. However, remember, once the Genie is out of the bottle, you cannot put her back in.

[rita63]

I dress fully less and less at home and look forward to the meetings and social events I go to. The more I go out the antsier I get feeling anxious waiting for the next event that doesn't conflict with work. At least I have something tonight and the 3rd, but will miss the 6th and the 10th. 5 days away in Toronto in June and the trans pride march if the wait doesn't kill me.
The more I go out the more out I want to be out.

hugs rita

[ReineD]

This secret/private dressing is not working for me any more, I have the urge to get out there in real life, I hate keeping secrets and want friends and family to see me for who I am.

Wanting to adopt female mannerisms and going out in public seems to be a natural progression for the CDing, among people who believe they might have a chance of being accepted or tolerated. A generation ago telling people was utterly out of the question, but this has changed especially among younger people even if they just tell their friends. I have sons in their 20s and even though they do not CD, their generation is entirely more accepting of gender and sexual variance than people were a generation ago. Another variable is whether or not the CDer believes he can pass, if for example he is not overly large with an overly masculine body and face. There are CDers who do not stand out in a crowd as being men in dresses, provided they've acquired reasonable makeup skills and they wear the same clothing as the GGs.

That said, people you might tell or who might know, fall within either one of two different categories.

The first category is the safest, and it is comprised of everyone who is arm's length to you, or who doesn't know you at all. These are obviously all the strangers in the next town over, for example, the sales associates in the stores that you might frequent while you're dressed, the waitresses in the restaurants, bank tellers, or any person you might strike a casual conversation with in public while you are presenting as a woman. These would be all the people who are not involved in your personal, daily life.

The second group is trickier. These are the spouses, siblings, parents, employers, coworkers, close friends, etc. You will find that some of these people will accept you or at least tolerate you (they won't want to write you out of their lives, but most will not want to go out with you publicly when you're dressed). But others who fall within this category will not agree with what you're doing at all, they won't want to see you dressed, and the knowledge that you CDress might possibly prove damaging to your relationships. Among these people, for example, might be the parents of your young daughter's friend, who will no longer allow their little girl to have a sleepover at your house even though they still would greet you if they saw you at the local grocery store. And spouses/girlfriends are especially tricky if they are hetero. Few women can embrace the notion that their partners crossdress, at least as soon as they find out about it.

I'm not sure in what category neighbors fall. They might not care whether you dress or not, but they might know people who are close to you and they might start to gossip, which tends to spread like wild fire.

So my advice is to keep this private for the time being except for your spouse/girlfriend and possibly very close friends whom you feel are open-minded, and instead start going out in public but not in places where you will risk being seen by the people that you do know. You should do this for a few years (go out at least a few times per week), and then you will have developed a more realistic view of how you are perceived and treated when you are dressed and this often takes away the mystique of it all. You do want to tell your spouse/girlfriend though, especially if you are about to go out frequently in public dressed. It would be difficult to keep such a thing secret.

Good luck!

[Alexis.j]

Thank all of you for your inputs. And Reine for your enlightening message.

[Kay P]

That sounds like fun Victoria...
I love my heels, but haven't actually tried dancing in them yet...mmm...
Ive actually seen many gg's in my life walking out barefoot with heels in the hand.

My hubs is actually good at it, me? Not so much. During my wedding day all I could think about at the end was getting rid of them. I love that you are wanting to venture out. Its inspirational to those of us who have that goal some day. Let us know how it turned out.

[linda allen]

Going out as a female in public where nobody knows you is one thing, coming out to friends and family is a totally different thing. If you want them to know, quit dropping hints, sit them down and tell them. That way, you are in control of when, where, and who.

Me, I can't see ever telling friends and family, but I'd like to go out in public where people don't know me (again).

[Brooklyn]

Eventually you'll have to step out and come out anyway, so might as well do it on your own terms. Just take small steps, practice, build up your confidence, be safe(!), and in a few months you'll wonder why it was ever such a big deal. Be proud of who you are: you have a gift! No need to come out to people who can't handle it tho'.

I still get a rush when my front door closes behind me!

[~Joanne~]

That's how I have been feeling a lot lately. Cooped up. I want to go out dressed and do my pics lol I have been tempted so badly these last fews days but as always, it goes away after awhile ;)

[ReineD]

I still get a rush when my front door closes behind me!

A lot of CDers have said this here. So tell me ... what, particularly, causes this rush?

[Ellanore G.G.]

I asked my husband about this Reine, and he said its the biggest rush he can get.
He said he feels in between fainting, to wanting to jump up and down, to feeling he will break into a laugh
that has not been heard by his own ears yet ?

[Alice Torn]

Alexis, I share your sentiments. I would like to go out often, but, fear keeps me inside, other than several times a year. At six foot six, i look like a big man in a dress, unless seen from a distance. I hope to go dressed to some concerts in the park, about 30 miles from here, this summer. Quite a few people know who i am, and my old car sticks out like a sore thumb! So, i pick my outings very cautiously. There is safety in the closet, and being out, feels like being a secret agent behind enemy lines at times, but most of this fear is in my imagination.

[Alexis.j]

Well, ive told the first person this week... didn't go as bad as I thought, I presume it will get easier the more I tell. This is a secret I cannot live with alone, its making me go into a deep depression, and I've been getting more miserable every day, so bad that I don't feel like doing anything, just watch tv and sleep.

[Asp]

Do what I did, and just do it!

Or, sit down with your lived ones and tell them how you feel.

[Jenniferathome]

Well, "hinting" your way to having your friends and family guess is not a good plan, in my opinion. It will be confusing. each will begin to understand something different and you'll be the center of storm no matter what. Come out if you feel you must. If you have a wife or SO, then tell her, by all means. But you can GO OUT without telling anyone.

[Jenniferathome]

A lot of CDers have said this here. So tell me ... what, particularly, causes this rush?

I'd like to jump in on this one Reine. For me, the rush is two fold. 1) there is downside risk. Humiliation, for example. Risk is a rush. 2) it's a validation of the "me" know one knows. NOT hiding is a rush. And of course, I like the feeling of feeling the breeze blow my skirt, walking in heels, even the feel of purse on my arm.

[ErinP]

For me the tough one was my brother. And I still can't believe that I told him AND his wife at the same time! After a half hour of questions, they just said "no problem". Most others were easy. Grandmother was the one that could not grasp what I was saying. She totally just thought I was saying I was guy. In the end, she just gave up and never said another word. Same hugs and all!

It was just better to tell in my case. But each one of us have a different situation.

[Samantha45]

Hard as those first steps are, they're totally worth it! Before long, it will be more comfortable. For example, I tried on a pair of high heels while in drab (men's stuff) at my lunch. The girl didn't care....she was nice and helpful!
It takes courage, but you gotta be you and live your life.