What will become of my things?

[Tara D. Rose]

A few moments ago, I was reading another thread from a member here asking about where do we keep our female things? She went on to talk about her wife not knowing and what will become of her things once she leaves this earth? I wanted to post this a long time ago as Snow and I once discussed this issue. I didn't want to hijack this other beloved member's thread, so I started this one to talk about what Snow and I have wondered at times.
About last November, I told my youngest brother about who and what I am. He was shocked. He could hardly believe it. I spent many hours on the phone with him over a period of weeks. I did real good in informing him and explaining things to him in such ways that he wouldn't roll with the usual defaulted opinion that does most oftentimes come with the social norm. Things like, we're all gay ,etc. We went in such great depths about it all. He was so surprised, and he said, he would never have ever guessed it in a million years. He wondered how I kept it hidden from them all for so many years. We covered so many things. I told him of this site, I told him of the last 3 years at SCC and all of the friends I have there and around the country that I know face to face. I told him of the celebrities i have met.

Just last week, he delivered some new outdoor deck furniture for Snow and I. Well we were in the house. I showed him the walk in closet full of so many dresses, skirts, blouses, evening gowns. Then I showed him the dresser. I opened them all up and showed him all the panties, bras, corsets, forms, all of the jeweler y, all of the make up. The wigs on the Styrofoam stands in other closets, all of the pantyhose, thigh hi's, all of the heels and boots, so much stuff. I could tell that he only thought that he had a handle on this side of my life before I showed him all of these things.I didn't show him pictures of Tara though. I don't think I will do that. I just want at least one member of my blood family to know everything, so that this one member of my family will speak in my behalf and represent me with my cross dressing the way that it really is and not filled with all the social norms and misconceptions that is all too common in the USA today.

A few months later, I told my wife Snow White that I had told my younger brother. She was cool with that. A few weeks later, she and I talked that what if something happened to me, like, I took a long fishing trip and would never return back home? I said, honey, you would have to give all of Tara's clothes to goodwill. Go in the computer and delete all of the hundreds of pictures of Tara. Go into the external and delete all pictures of Tara. She said she would like to keep a few of them, but I said, no, delete them all. She agreed after a lot of talking and discussion. She then asked me about my younger brother. She asked, well what if many months later, your youngest brother came by or called and he and I were discussing this other side of you, and what if he wanted to see pictures of you? I said, tell him that you deleted ALL of them and they are all gone as with all of the clothes and all of the other things. I mean she could show him on the night of the funeral or a week or so later, but I do desire for all evidence to be given away and pics forever deleted.

Now I do know that there are very popular sayings on here and everywhere else, saying that ,"well I'll be dead, and won't give a ****".
But I think about legacy, I think of my sweet children and my sister and my other brothers, I think of how they love me, and of how they look up to me, especially my grown children. I don't feel that I need to "come out" when I'm dead.
People in life are sometimes asked this question: "how do you want to be remembered?" And so in this conscious life, while I still care, I want to be remembered as the nice, loving, caring sweet, compassionate, talented, loving husband and Father and a son, that would give a stranger the shirt off of his back or the blouse off her back, even my shoes or heels (which I have done).
I can see it now, I'm dead, my children are having supper with my wife, and they talk about the fact that I was a CD. I can see the shock on their faces right now really. To me, I think there are some things that are a need to know kind of thing. Snow has agreed that she will get rid of all clothes, pictures, and even announce my passing on this site. She agreed to delete my Flicker pictures. She is so good in that. It really should be my wishes. So my question is, how many of you do desire to have all evidence destroyed, all clothes given away and all pics deleted? Of course this question goes to CD's who's wife or SO knows. Otherwise, it's moot.
My own answer to this question is this. We love our family, we do care right now while we are alive. We make out wills. We leave this and that to our loved ones. Why do we do that? For we care, we care before death, in our consciousness now, would we just give all of our worldly belongings to charity and no leave anything to the ones we leave behind? Of course not, we couldn't hurt them that way, and likewise, while we are alive, we do not want to hurt them with the disclosure that the man, brother, father, son, with such news that we were a CD. I would say this is just my 2 cents, but things have gone up lately, this is just my $2.00 worth.

Peace & Love my friends,
Tara D. Rose

[celeste26]

If it is in your will then it must be done. There is no arguing about it, no negotiations just do it. If you feel shame about what you do in this life then shutting it all off at the end seems appropriate. But then shame will be the overwhelming sentiment for those around you. You dont tell us in your story whether you ever go out and about en femme. My guess is you don't, don't worry there are many here who don't either.

But the way out of the shame is to overcome the fear and go out, live life dressed however you want. They are just clothes, not some mill stone around your neck.

[marlenesexton]

I try not to think about what my relatives will discover if my wife and I ever passed together. My clothes are the least of it. We both figure we'll be gone and at least everyone will be taking about us. Something to consider, though.

[Amy Fakley]

A few years ago I had the unfortunate opportunity of facing the real likely possibility that I was going to die soon (as you're reading this, obviously things worked out, LOL). However, I thought about this very thing ... quite a lot in fact, and I came to the opposite conclusion. Once I'm dead I think I'd wish to be known as who I actually was, without pretense. At the time I contemplated finding some means of constructing a "dead man's switch" to email my story to carefully selected relatives in the case that things went south. I never actually followed through on it, though.

I never got to know either of my grandfathers. My dad and I are polar opposites, and I grew up distant from most of my extended family. So many times in my life, I've wondered "where did I get all this from?" ... if anyone in my family ever had gender issues, they surely took it to the grave. Some day my kids are gonna have kids. One of them might be blessed with this curse, and it might ease that kids path if someone in the family knew about me.

Given the fact that I am completely terrified of coming out while I'm alive, I'm sure that says something, too (about me) ... but all things considered I guess you know ... if things have gone so badly that I'm not alive any longer, what's one more thing?

[Tara D. Rose]

If it is in your will then it must be done. There is no arguing about it, no negotiations just do it. If you feel shame about what you do in this life then shutting it all off at the end seems appropriate. But then shame will be the overwhelming sentiment for those around you. You dont tell us in your story whether you ever go out and about en femme. My guess is you don't, don't worry there are many here who don't either.

But the way out of the shame is to overcome the fear and go out, live life dressed however you want. They are just clothes, not some mill stone around your neck.

Celeste, Snow and I have gone out a few times together. I have gone out several times here in our city. We both went to SCC together back in 2010.

Onto the other poster, and I respect you so for your input, but to me, it is more than as they say, "it's just clothes". It may very well be "just clothes" for some, but to me, it is so much more than "just Clothes". On this forum for so many years, our life style has most oftentimes, been described as "just clothes".

My Tara side is so much more than "just clothes". These subjects have been covered so many times. I thought that for the long term members here, that we or some of us, were so far passed summarizing what and who I am and so many other, that we should not undermine what I, Tara is, and so many others are, as "just clothes". And you know, it may and or is "just clothes" for so many members here. And that is all well and good. But my Tara side is so much deeper than that. There are so many separations among so many of us here. I am reminded of a very popular TS on here said these words: where the words of a cd falls on deaf ears of a ts'...likewise when one claims that someone like me, that does what I do, and feel what I feel inside, and that I do what I do, is insultingly undermined as "just clothes". So you joined the CD community just a few years or days ago, and so, and of course to you ,it is "just clothes" to you. But I do respect that. For maybe for you "just clothes" is all that it is to you. But for me it is so much deeper than that. I have lived this all of my life. So many years and years. I feel like just breaking down tonight. So sad in a lot of ways, that some on here call what I am as "just clothes"..

I think I hear some noise coming about. Too many people with so many cultures and so many ages, and so many understandings and misunderstandings, I pour my heart out, and I get, well, it's "just clothes"

I really do understand the plight of TS's here, and how they are INSULTED by the weekend panty wearers, and the bearded dress wearers, and of the Goldilocks, and lolitta's with the lolly pops and all day suckers, and male chastity devices, etc.

I guess that Tara is between a rock and a hard place. It's like, if I call myself a "cross dresser", I am told by TS's here that I am merely a fantasizing lingerie wearing loser that doesn't have a clue, or just a thrill seeking glorified panty wearing sexual obsessed thrill seeking, do anything to get sexually aroused, human being.
So where do I belong on here? Am I "just" a cd, or an "RCG", yes I saw that on here one time. Is what I am on here is just a person that wears women s clothes and that it is "just clothes"?
Where do I fit in here? What am I? Who am I? Who cares?

So what should my wife tell my family and children who and or what I am after my passing? Please don't pass me off as one of those "just clothes" human's. So many of us need to move away from the "just clothes" mindset, even though that for many on here it "IS" "just clothes".

[Eryn]

I spent 50 years of my life denying who I am. I'm done with that, at least with my very small family and CDing friends. I don't have any siblings to take guided tours of my closets so I don't have to worry about that issue. My daughters know about Eryn and are OK with her. Eryn doesn't shame me any more. Whether my pictures are to be kept or destroyed is up to my heirs, but I certainly don't worry about being outed posthumously. Heck, I'd probably be remembered longer as that odd great-grandfather who was a crossdresser.

I have an CDing friend who recently burned decades of photographs of her and her late wife for fear that her grown children would discover them after her passing. This makes me so sad because her children will have no opportunity to know both sides of her. I just cannot imagine children who are so shallow that they would hate their father simply because he happens to wear unusual clothes now and then.

[AmyGaleRT]

Sabrina has tried to think about what she'd do if I were to die, where she'd go, what she'd keep of our things, and so forth. The only thing I have, thusfar, told her with respect to that and my dressing is, "If I die, Amy dies as well; neither of us can live without the other. Remember her as you would me."

- Amy

[laurie01]

If I were to die then I guess everyone will find out that I dress. When my family cleans out my place sooner or later they will come upon my clothing. I always wondered if my spirit will wonder around when I die and I get totally embarrassed when my family finds my clothing as I helplessly watch.

[Frédérique]

Now I do know that there are very popular sayings on here and everywhere else, saying that ,"well I'll be dead, and won't give a ****". But I think about legacy, I think of my sweet children and my sister and my other brothers, I think of how they love me, and of how they look up to me, especially my grown children. I don't feel that I need to "come out" when I'm dead.

This reminds me of what American artist Winslow Homer once said: “When I’m dead, I shan’t care.” I would concur with that sentiment. Having no children, I have no “legacy” to worry about, at least in regards to a post-mortem disclosure about my crossdressing. However, I DO care about my artistic legacy, since I am an artist. I’m working on that even as I’m typing this. If it comes out, after I have escaped this mortal coil, that I was a MtF crossdresser, it very well may push the prices up on my works at auction, and reserve a place for me in the annals of eccentric artists who flew far outside the radar. In that context, I will thrive, but who will benefit?
:idontknow:

[reb.femme]

................I guess that Tara is between a rock and a hard place. It's like, if I call myself a "cross dresser", I am told by TS's here that I am merely a fantasizing lingerie wearing loser that doesn't have a clue, or just a thrill seeking glorified panty wearing sexual obsessed thrill seeking, do anything to get sexually aroused, human being.
So where do I belong on here? Am I "just" a cd, or an "RCG", yes I saw that on here one time. Is what I am on here is just a person that wears women s clothes and that it is "just clothes"?
Where do I fit in here? What am I? Who am I? Who cares?

Hi Tara,

To each, her own, is really my input. I really can't decide which side I fall on, destroy or not destroy, but will give it some serious thought now.

In regard to your quote above, I saw a similar quote about 'just a CD' on a UK site this week referring to a meet up. Here is the cut and paste - [Quote] "........although some that go there are just TV and not trans but if you're ok with that then......." [Unquote]. So the serious and not so serious eh?

I'm only out to my sister-in-law as an outlet for my wife. She has seen pics and seems OK with it all. I'm absolutely positive she will have told her husband and he will have retold. Somehow I think we are damned if we do and damned if we don't, so I probably come down on the side of destroy all the pics, but to let people think of me as they will. There is much that I can influence by educating, but I cannot change the dyed in the wool 'you must be gay' brigade.

Rebecca

[Megan Thomas]

Tara, Have you considered another option which is to write an open letter and include "some" photos with it in a sealed envelope only to be opened after your death, and then only if asked for? That way you can control to some degree what might happen after you're gone and it also means your SO doesn't carry the burden alone should your dressing secret have spread beyond the confines you believe it to be in. It will be so hard on your SO to dispose of anything remotely connected with you, harder than they may actually let on.

In the letter you might explain this aspect of your life and also why you felt it should die with you with no visible trace left. I'm sure you can think of all the relevant things to include. You then also get to choose what photos and other memorabilia gets included. Think of it as a reverse dead man's switch. It also means your SO isn't deprived of any photos of you as Tara, alone or together, which she really wants to keep.

[kimdl93]

It's your prerogative to decide who you tell and what you leave behind. My idiosyncrasies are pretty well known in my family, and I'm out to a number of friends...so in my case, I won't be able to control the narrative after I'm gone.

[Launa]

[QUOTE=Tara D. Rose;3200234

Now I do know that there are very popular sayings on here and everywhere else, saying that ,"well I'll be dead, and won't give a ****".
But I think about legacy, I think of my sweet children and my sister and my other brothers, I think of how they love me, and of how they look up to me, especially my grown children. I don't feel that I need to "come out" when I'm dead.
People in life are sometimes asked this question: "how do you want to be remembered?" And so in this conscious life, while I still care, I want to be remembered as the nice, loving, caring sweet, compassionate, talented, loving husband and Father and a son, that would give a stranger the shirt off of his back or the blouse off her back, even my shoes or heels (which I have done).

Peace & Love my friends,
Tara D. Rose[/QUOTE]


There might be shock on everyone's face if they were to find this out once you're gone but if you've been a good person then it wouldn't be that traumatic for them either.
If you were an asshole then it would be a different memory for them.

This makes me think about making a 2nd will or an addendum to my will. If I do this I will try to make it easy for the executor and say, if anything I have in my dark closet makes you or anybody else happy then keep it. If it doesn't then get rid of it.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I have videos I took explaining things in my life and for moments in the kids life if I'm not there to be there with them for it.
I went through a mid life crisis of I'm gonna die in a year or two which prompted it.

[Beverley Sims]

Those that survive me other than my wife can think all they like.
I will let them sort it out.
If my wife outlives me she will just put it away.
If we both go together,
Surprise, surprise.

[Rileyaz]

Tara, I have gone out dressed as Riley, but only by myself, and only to places like the mall. I have never interacted with anyone as Riley. I am not married, but hope to be some day. Where do you go? How are you treated when you go out?
Riley

[Tara D. Rose]

Tara, I have gone out dressed as Riley, but only by myself, and only to places like the mall. I have never interacted with anyone as Riley. I am not married, but hope to be some day. Where do you go? How are you treated when you go out?
Riley Hi Rileyaz, When I have gone out, everything is fine. Never been verbally attacked or anything like that. I did get a wolf whistle one time though.My wife has gone out with me just a couple of times. I know I am lucky in that, especially with me being a grandfather for over 10 years. 60 is closing up on me faster than I want it to. I have gone to a few convenient stores, but on my other outings away from the house is my 3 times at SCC, but that's a given, for we're all accepted there. But at the stores, I have always gotten a have a nice evening ma'am, which makes me feel good inside.

[DebbieL]

Once many years ago, a CD died, when he died, his wife found his rather substantial collection of feminine clothes, particularly a large collection of lingerie. His wife decided to sell the collection and found that many of those who came to buy were willing to offer far more than she expected. Before long she realized that she had the makings of a very nice little business. She opened a store and named it after her husband's femme name "Victoria's Secret" - the rest is history.

Don't let anybody discredit or devalue you, Your dressing makes up an important part of who you are. You have gifts to give the world, your wife, your family, your brothers, and your friends, not to mention society at large. As for what your wife does with your wardrobe when your gone, that's HER decision to make. She may need time to deal with her grief, she may want to keep your clothes for a while, because they remind her of you.

[Allison Chaynes]

Tara, you and Snow have the same idea that my wife and I have agreed upon. However, I just found a picture a few months ago of my grandfather in drag and have no context for what it was- did he secretly CD, or was it a Womanless Beauty Review he did as a joke? And this guy was Mr Everything I Model My Male Self after.

But ultimately I'm not worried if others find out, I have family members who have done far "worse" things and no one rejects them. I only worry about the crap people might give my wife about it.

[Roberta Marie]

Once many years ago, a CD died, when he died, his wife found his rather substantial collection of feminine clothes, particularly a large collection of lingerie. His wife decided to sell the collection and found that many of those who came to buy were willing to offer far more than she expected. Before long she realized that she had the makings of a very nice little business. She opened a store and named it after her husband's femme name "Victoria's Secret" - the rest is history.
From Wikipedia

"Victoria's Secret was founded by Tufts University and Stanford Graduate School of Business alumnus Roy Raymond and his wife Gaye[15] in San Francisco Ca in 1977.[16]

Eight years prior to founding Victoria's Secret, Raymond had been embarrassed when purchasing lingerie for his wife at a department store. Newsweek in 1982 quoted Raymond in 1981 explaining: ""When I tried to buy lingerie for my wife," he recalls, "I was faced with racks of terry-cloth robes and ugly floral-print nylon nightgowns, and I always had the feeling the department-store saleswomen thought I was an unwelcome intruder.""[17]

[Roberta Marie]

A little over a year ago our support group was contacted by the sister of a former member. After her brother died, she and her daughters were cleaning out his house, and came across some women's clothes that they assumed had belonged to his x-wife. Then they came across a single photograph of a familiar looking woman that they could not identify, as well as some old newsletters from our support group. They were shocked to discover this side of a brother and uncle that they thought they had known. But after doing some research and contacting our group, they are a bit sad that they never got to know this sidef him. They have attended a couple of our meetings, and are trying to understand his crossdressing.

As for me, I am out to my immediate family and a few friends and other relatives. I'm hoping to be out to most everyone else long before I die, as I am starting to be a bit of an activist. The legacy that I hope to leave is my work to help move the world, or at least my little corner of it, toward accepting everyone for who they are, and for being honest with myself and those I love about who I am.