I am real...

[Lorileah]

I am real.

Last week I had a bad night while out with friends (see Speed bump thread). I made a decision to avoid that situation so it would not happen again. It is easier for me to avoid unpleasant situations rather than confront them. But when you are in this position (transitioning) you cannot avoid things forever.

Thus, I had to return to the club Wednesday night to pay for a function I will be attending (OK golf tournament…and yes I plan on playing as Lori except rules won’t let me play from the red tees <not officially transitioned…still M on my official papers.>). Because I was going to support a good friend who was playing piano at another venue, I was “dressed to the nines” when I stopped by. The fear from the week before was still there and worse, since I had stormed out I was also afraid that people would use that against me too.

I put on my best face and confidently walked in. No one was holding the week before against me at all. In fact , they treated me as normal. The unfortunate part of that for some was “normal” to them was still seeing me as the male person (in heels and a dress). Once again I was greeted with, “Hey! My man!” and “How ya doin Bud?” and a couple who called me by my male name (intentionally since they don’t usually when we meet). Granted these are older men (mostly. One was a woman but she seems to have issues with me when I am dressed anyway) who I have known for years. I know why they do it; I know I should not let it bother me, yet it still hurts. I have talked with several and they know my plan to transition. But they cannot break the idea that I am doing this as a lark or as a pastime or just because I like to dress (all those things WERE true once but not anymore). One woman asked if I could get my friends to come down and do a drag show. I had to explain I didn’t have friends who did drag shows but I could refer her to the drag community. She was confused about that, after all, I am dressed in drag…right? All I could think was how people used to (and still do) say things like “I have nothing against _______, I have a friend who is one”.

I am going to have to confront them sometime and tell them definitively that “I am real”. This isn’t an act. I don’t want to lose friends over this. And old habits are hard to break. (and I don’t plan on ever playing from the red tees in the future even after the marker gets changed…but we will see when that happens). What would be a good and non-confrontational way to ease these people into seeing me as “real”? I know the easy way would be just walk away, but most the members DO treat me as I expect.

[kellycan27]

Unfortunately losing friends is parr for the course ( note the golf reference). LOL even some of my TS friends starting shying away as I moved forward. The good news... You can make new friends. Had a couple of die hard male friends who just couldn't ( or didn't want to) get it. We just kind of lost touch....

[stefan37]

Oh course you are real, you wrote this post :). I do not know the answer to ease people into seeing you are the real you. Maybe instead of always seeing them dressed to the nines, maybe let them see you in more casual looking attire. It is a tough task to get those that know you in male mode to see you as a female. As far as losing friends, you may lose some, some will stay but may not act as you wish, and you can decide if their friendship is worth it, some will be accepting and supporting, and you will meet new friends that will accept the real you. you unfortunately have no control how others feel or how they will react. Al you can do is show them you and let the chips fall where they will. If transition was easy everyone would attempt it. It is a long drawn out struggle and at our age with our physiology a most difficult endeavor. you need to have the strength to not care or react to external reactions that may make you feel uncomfortable. If you find the answer let me know I would love to know.

Glad you have found yourself and are moving forward. I will say the liberation of not having to hide anymore is refreshing and the energy released from years of suppression will allow to accomplish things you were incapable of before. At least for me that is true.

[Persephone]

Damn! It isn't easy to transition "in place." Very little seems to hurt more than what you went through.

When it happens to me I always think of Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind. When the scandal broke, she too wanted to curl up. But she grabbed the velvet curtains off of her windows, made a fabulous dress of them, and headed out to the ball. Sometimes that helps me get through.

It is hard for outsiders to cope. I suspect that part of it is that it we undermine their security, their sense of self that "I am a man," or "I am a woman."

And sometimes it is just old habit. There are four kinds of people in your life: those who don't know you and don't matter, those who only know you as a man, those who only know you as a woman, and those who know both. The last category offers the most difficult part of transition because they still see the vestiges of the past in the present and "old habits die hard."

It seems best to keep on keepin' on, to calmly pull the knife out of your gut, throw it away (or quietly hand it back), smile sweetly and calmly say "It's Lorileah now."

Hugs and best thoughts,
Persephone.

[Inna]

this may sound off putting, not for them but for you, but this is the way I found to be the most influential, non-confrontational, and poised. What I am talking is, simply remaining YOU to them, while YOU become YOU to YOU........

OK, let me explain, lol.

I know that for most presentation is extremely important, yet clothing is merely an external cloth, nothing more, nothing less. This by it self will not make one a woman, weather in their own eyes, nor in anyone else.
With HRT come changes, emotional and physical, these changes will be eventually picked up by all, even if your attire should remain gender neutral.

I am an advocate of gentle yet direct approach to expression through wearing woman's designated clothing which is as close as possible to gender neutral. So by this token, one who approaches their transition this way, will for most part be viewed as a male until such time when their body assumes feminine character.

Of course, some will not be able to pursue such approach, because of the immediate need to express their femininity. However, such will lead to ridicule and angst from the onlookers who see such individual as a "Man In Dress"

Just like everything in life, "soft and easy" is way less unsettling as "harsh and blunt".
Either way, time and patience will be necessary to see the woman grow from within.

[KellyJameson]

I do not usually share in many of the same beliefs held by transsexuals. For me if I have to choose between being loved and accepted versus someone using the right pronoun I would prefer to be loved and accepted.

I think it is just as important that we are sensitive to what we are asking others to do as it is asking them to be sensitive to us.

The problem with political correctness is it can mask contempt, disgust and hate. You may get them to act the way you want but do you want the resentment that may go with it? In my opinion it is important to move slowly when making change that others need time to adapt to. Change makes most people uncomfortable if it challenges their "story" and concept of "reality"

I absolutely understand the pain of being seen as a drag queen, transvestite, crossdresser or whatever. It literally feels like a stab to the heart

You have a magical and magnetic personality that I picked up on immediately when I first joined the forum and I also knew you were not a crossdresser but a woman. It is always so obvious between the two because of a specific energy the person exudes that you can sense in their words that like cream always floats to the top.

Even if they tried to hide this energy they could not which is why you can identity transsexual children if you are a transsexual.

In my opinion you want to walk softly but carry a big heart and this heart is made up of tolerance, patience and forgiveness but matched with self respect, self acceptance and intestinal fortitude

It is walking a path balanced between protecting others and protecting yourself.

Try to take each person aside and ask for them to give you a most needed and precious gift of seeing you as you know yourself to be. Let your feelings show how important this is to you. Speak from the heart as I know you can do because it is natural for you when you are willing to be vulnerable.

I would hate to see you lose what is most valuable inside you from living in this imperfect, often cruel but certainly largely indifferent world that so casually stomps on our hearts and resists our fight for self actualization.

In my opinion gentle diplomacy is crucial because we are asking people to unlearn eons of behavioral conditioning along with the effects of the mass media and so many cultural and sexual norms established over centuries that it boggles the mind thinking about them.

Gender IS the center of the universe

This is a very large stone we are trying to push up a mountain. This is why many go stealth after transitioning as a self protective act. It is just so much easier.

You are REAL but unfortunately you are still vulnerable to others needing to confirm this but being sensitive to others will reduce your own pain of not being seen as you know yourself to be.

The more pain we are in the less we want to get wrapped up in ourselves because it just takes us deeper into the pain, when what we want is to climb out of it not into it.

To climb out of your own pain it is important to see that the whole world is in pain in one form or another.

You have to make it about you while not making it about you to survive transitioning.

It is an intense awareness of self while also letting go of the self. You move with conviction and purpose but leave the pain behind without losing the ability to be empathetic for yourself and everyone else.

Do not build an alter out of your pain but instead share it with others and allow them to share their pain with you.

You are going to experience many different reactions to you and many will be driven by fear mixed with ignorance.

Try to float above all this drama and stay grounded without losing your humanity and goodness.

We are all in this thing called life and it is very messy.

Another thing I believe is your identity as a woman is independent of anything physical even though it is dependant on the physical. It is paradoxical but you find your female soul independent from your body and or beauty as that deep and complete conviction of what you know yourself to be.

This is that impulse to be known and lived that has been trying to get out of you and be seen since the very beginning. It was always there since your early years.

This has caused a split inside you between you as "her" and you split off from her. It is a fracture in your identity that you have been trying to resolve in some way your whole life even though you may not consciously know this. You may have used sex to experience your gender.

Healing this split is by standing outside yourself and seeing how you have been trying to "fix" yourself.

This will take you back to you and once this is done there will be no doubt in your mind that you are REAL

[AllieSF]

It is hard to experience what you are experiencing. I can only add, just continue being you as you want to be you. When you run into that occasional bump in the road, let the suspension get back to normal and then keep on driving as you were before. Some will truly get it and others won't. How you deal with those others is up to you. Dress as you please, because changing that, if it is important to you, just becomes another way of not being you. You have a wonderful personality and make friends, at least acquaintances, relatively easily. Trust yourself. You shall overcome.

[Badtranny]

It's really simple Lori, it just isn't easy. :-)

What you are experiencing is the beginning of a long slow transition from dude to chick. There is no switch to throw, no revelations to be had by the onlookers, they will simply (and very slowly) come to see you as a woman, ...in time. How much time? How much you got?

Back in 2011, when I was openly transitioning yet still presenting as a male people would tell me that they don't think they could ever call me Melissa. "you'll always be Bill to me" they would say. In May of 2012 when I went full time, they were again telling me that they were going to have a "hard time remembering to call me Melissa".

One year later, I haven't heard my old name in many weeks. I am still hearing the "he's" and the "hims" quite a bit, but it's probably less than half the time now.

This is a long process. Actually, it's even longer than that.

The best thing you can do is keep your sense of humor. Just the other day, an Administrator absentmindedly said "yes sir" then immediately said "oh I'm so sorry". I said, "it's okay, when you're as macho as me you should expect to be called Sir." One of the young Project Engineers laughed and said "I wish I would get called Sir around here". We all laughed and it was no big deal.

I was a dude here for 11 years, so the least I can do is be grateful that people are at least trying right?

[sandra-leigh]

You don't want to lose friends. But you will. :sad:

Depending on what your relationship with them was like, they might not even realize for some time that they had withdrawn, and if they do realize they might unconsciously emotionally down-shift your interactions, so that you aren't "lost" but instead were retroactively not so important.

Or at least that seems to have happened to me.

[Lorileah]

I do not usually share in many of the same beliefs held by transsexuals. For me if I have to choose between being loved and accepted versus someone using the right pronoun I would prefer to be loved and accepted.

I never thought of it that way but that is true. The people I was (am?) trying to change are some of the best people I know, the ones who would do anything for me (well almost anything I guess.) I do not know why it bothers me so much recently. It started when I lost my own confidence. Being a vet I know exactly how that can work. The puppy is happy to see you, it comes to you quickly and easily it is happy and confident, and then if you admonish it, it comes to you less easily (well it makes sense to me). I scolded myself a couple weeks ago. I started the self doubt phase. And now I project my fears on others who may (or may not) deserve it.


You have a magical and magnetic personality that I picked up on immediately when I first joined the forum and I also knew you were not a crossdresser but a woman. :o Thank you that (and other comments that follow) are the nicest thing anyone has said to me in weeks.
It is always so obvious between the two because of a specific energy the person exudes that you can sense in their words that like cream always floats to the top.

Even if they tried to hide this energy they could not which is why you can identity transsexual children if you are a transsexual. Tran-dar? :)



Dress as you please, because changing that, if it is important to you, just becomes another way of not being you.
Maybe instead of always seeing them dressed to the nines, maybe let them see you in more casual looking attire.
I had considered what Stefan suggested, but as Allie stated, how I dress is "me". I dress to suit the venue or occasion. I don't want to be the sweats and baggy T-shirt person (in either mode). I may be the one overdressed at the club, but I am also the one who feels good about herself and hasn't given up feeling good about myself (again in either mode)
You have a wonderful personality and make friends, at least acquaintances, relatively easily. Trust yourself. You shall overcome. Another wonderful compliment. I have such good friends




Unfortunately losing friends is parr for the course ( note the golf reference). LOL even some of my TS friends starting shying away as I moved forward. The good news... You can make new friends. Had a couple of die hard male friends who just couldn't ( or didn't want to) get it. We just kind of lost touch....
I expect there are a few like that for me too. One in particular you can tell is trying to be nice but he sort of stumbles and freezes (and never uses any gender words)


It's really simple Lori, it just isn't easy. :-)

If transition was easy everyone would attempt it. It is a long drawn out struggle and at our age with our physiology a most difficult endeavor. Gee thanks...:notlistening: You all make it look so easy :)


they will simply (and very slowly) come to see you as a woman, ...in time. How much time? How much you got? maybe three ...four hours? :idontknow: :) but i get the point


I am still hearing the "he's" and the "hims" quite a bit, but it's probably less than half the time now. I hear that even from me...I am seeing the masculine in me more frequently (especially with two certain wigs...and I have to live with a wig because no amount of hormones surgery or fertilizer will ever get hair where I want it. Amazing thing is I get MORE compliments on these two wigs. I think it must be me)...and then when I get home, take off the wig and make up, I see the female in me remaining. Confusing huh? I would settle for a middle of the road.


be grateful that people are at least trying right? Yes, and the majority are getting it. I know they do not intentionally try and disrespect me. Usually I let it go. Recently, not so much. Maybe it is MY fear since I am getting closer to 'legally" starting the path.

While I cherry picked things here, I am so grateful for everyone's input on this. It is all valuable. I think I picked a bad time to quit happy pills :)

[I Am Paula]

At the therapy session that I got my HRT letter, I asked 'Does this make me an official transexual?' She replied that they don't diagnose transexuality anymore. 'Then does this make me an official woman?'(tongue in cheek of course). She replied 'You've ALWAYS been an official woman, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently.' Really good advice. I'm so lucky that I could go full time at the time I moved to another town. People know I'm trans, but at least have never known me as a man.
You don't mention if you ever let them see you drab anymore, but they knew you as a guy. That must be tough. Bite your tongue, keep correcting (quietly, and politely) their missed pronouns, only present femme, and pray they come around.
You ARE real, 'officially' transitioning or not, you are a woman, always have been, and are unlikely to go back.

P.S. Three years ago I bought a ladies golf bag, shoes, the works. Got onto the first tee, and pushed my tee into the ground. A GG I was playing with said, 'Let the guys hit from here, you and I are going to the ladies tee.' Clocked myself, but we all had a good laugh.

[Lorileah]

'Then does this make me an official woman?'(tongue in cheek of course). She replied 'You've ALWAYS been an official woman, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently.' That is the best type of counselor. They "get" it Really good advice.

You don't mention if you ever let them see you drab anymore Yes in a complicated manner, there are still requirements that I have to present as male. For the last several months that has been about 1 out of 5 times when I go there. Some of the "required" presentations were totally because of my own fears. I still think that people would prefer me in the male genre. This is MY own problem because I never asked them specifically.


P.S. Three years ago I bought a ladies golf bag, shoes, the works. Got onto the first tee, and pushed my tee into the ground. A GG I was playing with said, 'Let the guys hit from here, you and I are going to the ladies tee.' Clocked myself, but we all had a good laugh. I expected that you were going to say you were chastised for bending over to place the tee :) I am waiting for that myself! Other than makeup (if I wear any) and a wig, my golf attire won't change much. I have golfed in juniors shorts and polos for years :) My best friend (classmate)/golfing partner has never worried about what I wore but has relayed that he fears his best friend will "go away" when I transition. I know it will change the dynamics of our days together but I hope I never "go away". Just a change of view. One reason I don't think I will change tee boxes is that he and I are pretty equal golfers and he would not want to give me any edge :)

[Michelle.M]

I don’t want to lose friends over this.

But you will. That was the thing I feared the most, but after it began to happen it was the thing that made me the happiest.

Some people simply do not deserve to keep their esteemed place in your life if they care so little for you that their own prejudices and hurt feelings are more important than your friendship (or perhaps even family ties). This was a choice THEY made, not me. And by making that choice they did me a favor and cleared the clutter out of my life (and saved me the trouble) and made room for new and better friends.


And old habits are hard to break. (and I don’t plan on ever playing from the red tees in the future even after the marker gets changed…but we will see when that happens).

I can't imagine why you wouldn't. You will lose enough male privileges along the way, you deserve to enjoy the benefits of womanhood. To deny yourself these things unnecessarily serves no useful purpose, IMO.

[Badtranny]

One reason I don't think I will change tee boxes is that he and I are pretty equal golfers and he would not want to give me any edge :)

I don't think you truly know what you're in for after a couple of years on the juice.

Plan on losing 30% of your current strength and stamina lady. I had no idea how much stronger I was than a woman until I lost a LOT of strength. And I wasn't a very strong guy.

[kellycan27]

That's when it's time to find a big strong guy to do the heavy lifting. I keep some of my strength up by carrying this little 35 pound rug rat around on my hip.

[sandra-leigh]

I don't know if I've lost any of my strength, but my endurance fell to the floor. Way more than 30% drop. :(

[Michelle.M]

I don't think you truly know what you're in for after a couple of years on the juice.

Plan on losing 30% of your current strength and stamina lady. I had no idea how much stronger I was than a woman until I lost a LOT of strength. And I wasn't a very strong guy.

Oh, no lie! And it gets worse still once you lose the family jewels.

I'm looking at ditching my Harley Softail and finding a smaller bike that I can wrangle. I just don't have the upper body strength any more. Heavy doors (and not even all that heavy) kick my butt when I try to get in and out of buildings. The biggest challenge is learning to accept those changes.

[stefan37]

I work in a very physical environment. I struggle now with many items I had no problem with before. I bought a 24 ft extension ladder even though I prefer the 28 footer because the 24 is lighter and easier to maneuver. Plan on losing boatloads of strength.

[kellycan27]

I had a super glide that weighed 680 pounds, but the weight was never an issue.. You could always buy a sportster... Def a chick's bike :heehee:

[Nicole Erin]

People that knew you as a man before will see you that way no matter what. You know how people judge you largely on first impressions. That is the bad news.
The good news is - ACTUAL friends will not leave. We al have have two groups of friends - the people we keep around to pretend we have a better social life than what we really do, and then the friends who are there no matter what. You will lose at least some of the fake friends but none of the real ones. They will probably struggle for years to call you Lori but you will always be welcome into their lives.

This is the real world, this is not high school. In high school, we worked hard to impress people we didn't even like. We worked hard to be part of a clique that didn't want us to begin with. Now is the time to form your own circle of real friends who are not going to give two craps how you wish to present or live.

[docrobbysherry]

Expect it to be a long, hard road from man to woman, Lori. With lots of unexpected situations along the road!

[Lorileah]

lose 30% of the 30% I have already lost to age...I will need a man to open jars :) Thing about golf is women as they age actually seem to get better because they hit straight (and short). They are not trying to save the next shot out of the rough....I will take that. But I am concerned wrestling large dogs. I will have to rely on pharmaceutical control more (but that has been coming along anyway). I like working with cats better anyway.

[sandra-leigh]

I will need a man to open jars :)

Jars have seemed to be more difficult to me the last couple of years. Fortunately for my vanity, there has very often been reasons for them being stuck, like the way nearly-dry honey can seal a jar very tightly until you heat it just a little.

I'm not certain that I've lost any of my jar-gripping strength, but I have lost tolerance for the machismo of forcing myself to continue when the edge of the jar is digging into me. I've got a hot-water tap just over there... why make things difficult for myself?

I mentioned earlier that I might not have lost any strength. I was thinking in terms of my ability to lift up heavy objects such as televisions, as opposed to my ability to keep holding them up, which I am referring to as "stamina" (muscles require continued testosterone flow to stay contracted.) The lifting part is, for me, more related to mechanics / leverage rather than "strength": long arm bones, proper body placement, pull in the best direction, and you get lift. This is similar in principle to the style of weight-lifting called "snatch and jerk". But any ability I may have had to "bench press" (pull weights up in a smooth controlled manner) has been placed on waivers and is not expected to rejoin the team...

[noeleena]

Hi,

How to win & be friends with people . how not to lose friends,

dont push them into a corner, dont confront them. dont try & change them. I have friends going back 55 years, who knew me then & are still close friends,

Over the last 16 years i met a lot of people most percived this kid as male most i told them what i was / am , i took them into my confidence , i talked with them as a close friend i invited them to be part of my life even though things were changeing they listned they accepted there were no issues, they knew me well enough to know it was for real i never lost any of my friends in fact i have many more, i have been accepted invited to be a member of a few groups & as a commity member now most are women & they wont me there with them,

I have my own issues about myself as iv made known here . do they care, not one bit they see myself for who i am not what im not, they dont impose on me how they wont to see me ......THEY ..... just accept this is who i am ........i cant help how i look .......or bloody well dont,

I was accepted into our community & even though some new to our community dont know my background were introdused to me by my friends so if its good enough for my friends then its good enough for the newer people & we all just work along side each other,

To have friends remain friends allow them to ajust to you give them the benifit of seeing the changes , at a time some time later maybe a year or so does it really matter how long, greet them with a smile & be happy in what you do. or where you go & just be friendly being around them. does it work .

Well look at it this way if you still wont these people to be friends then leave confrontsion at home dont allow that to rule you because you will lose out .

Im eine Frau, und ich brache meine Freudinnen sie nicht locker.

Im a woman ,and i need my women friends , ...not ...loose them,

...noeleena...

[Jorja]

Are you real? Well of course you are real! However, that does not mean anything to those who have known you as a man. They think it is some kind of fantasy you are living or game that you are playing. They have no idea of what it is like to have GD. They don’t know how it affects you. They don’t know it may be a life or death situation. So at this point the only person that it really means something too is you. I am sure you have heard some of us say, “you need to thicken your skin.” “You need to let it roll off of your back.” It is not right but this is what we deal with. It is a price we pay for needing to be ourselves.

Yes, you will have bad days.Yes, you will lose friends over your decision to transition. Yes, you may lose your job. Yes, it is going to cost you your savings and anything and everything you hold dear.This thing we call GD is a vicious, nasty predator that feeds on destruction of lives.

There is one way to combat GD at this time. If transition is really needed, if you must do this. Then continue on your path and let your doubters see your success. Show them you are a happier, better person because of your decision. Go that extra mile to help someone when needed. Let them see you truly enjoy life in your new role as a woman. Know you are becoming stronger than anyone could realize. Know you are going to kick GD’s ass and get revenge for all the bad stuff it has done to you.

Well, that is how I got through it anyhow.

[groove67]

yes you are real. as i can tell you went through this with family, friends and work. never easy but if you hold your ground it will amaze you what happens. i go to work dressed as a woman and have no males cloths anymore gave them away to charity. i find that men have just learned that i am whom i am and the ladies at work have been great accepting me as one of them. we go out for drinks at times together, i am now part of ladies card club with them and hostess ever 8 weeks, and guess what play golf with them and yes shoot off ladies tee's . i was never that great as a guy golfer and realy average as a woman and i really do not care just like my time with the girls , lot's of fun. so yes there are trying times but i find that if you stay the road that this is whom i am you get accepted by both men and women. i am having srs in october and have had three ladies at work offer to go with and be with me, wow, however my daughter's are coming along but nice to know they care. so is it easy never but can you make it yes. just look at the brave ladies like kelly and others that have made it and that is what i hold onto everyday that they made it and inspire me that i can to.