Porn Addiction, Rebooting & Crossdressing

[Julia Roze]

I've been reading up on ways to stop porn addiction and basically read that I have to stop all forms of sexual stimulation. Sexual fantasies, masturbation and orgasms to porn are not allowed during a reboot. Orgasms with real people or masturbation without porn is ok. After a successful reboot of say months or years, it's not recommended to ever go back to porn.

I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?

Or is crossdressing just a result of my porn addiction? I only got into crossdressing because of fetishes. Will my crossdressing lifestyle go away after this reboot?

Here is a tedx talk on porn addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=player_embedded

[Tracii G]

I'd say if your will is strong enough you could stop CDing.
As with some addictions just go cold turkey and take it a day at a time.
I kicked alcohol and cocaine cold turkey.

[whowhatwhen]

Some say you can abandon it, but I'd be hesitant to agree - especially someone as young as you I'd bet good money that the feelings/need will come back at some point.

Why do you want to abandon it?
Especially since abandon is a strong word in this context.

[Erica Marie]

Just a thought. Maybe a counselor could help you sort things out.
Why do you want to quit? Is the porn and dressing taking over your life? Is it interfering with your day to day? For alot of people crossdressing and porn go hand in hand and always will be a form of stimulation. For others it starts with porn and overtime the porn wears off and the dressing becomes more a part of who they are instead of a form of stimulation.
I guess till you find out what part rules it may be difficult to figure out.

[Jenniferathome]

Cross dressing and porn are totally unrelated.

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it.

[Alice Torn]

I used to dress and be sexually aroused greatly. Now, it is not so much sexual, as sensual, attractive, but, i do have fantasies of being held, and carressed by men, sometimes.

[bomba]

you cant stop crossdressing....i hav been tying for 25 years...i have lots of reasons to quite...i cant. and i dont believe any crossdresser could.not forever.so save your stuff save money.

[Brooklyn]

Good for you trying to kick porn addiction!

Are you ashamed of your crossdressing, or does it negatively affect your life? I have found, like many others, that the consequences of completely abandoning that part of you are more destructive than allowing some crossdressing in your life. Reboot and purge as you might, it doesn't go away, and you may become angry and unpleasant from the repression.

Of course, you can become addicted to all kinds of ordinary activities, like sports, work, or restoring vintage cars, and no-one thinks any less of you - unless they get in the way of your relationships or responsibilities. Maybe consider crossdressing as an ordinary and fun activity that you just need to balance with the rest of your life. Good luck!

[Rhonda Ann]

It would be a per individual, as for me I have quit and stayed away for 8 years while I was dating a wonderful lady. After she moved to another part of the country 1000 miles+ (career reason) away we drifted apart. Eventually I started crossing again. If we would have been able to stay together.....who knows. As for you, it's up to you. I'm a lot like you, my crossing started as a fetish, now it's just something I enjoy doing.

[Julia Roze]

Why do you want to abandon it?
Especially since abandon is a strong word in this context.

Because I want to stop my addiction with porn. I feel like if I get back to dressing, I'll begin to start taking pictures and videos again and start getting back into the adult community. Crossdressing has always been a form of sexual stimulation for me. I have never dressed up just to do chores or to finish my homework. It has always ended in something sexual, and I feel like crossdressing is another outlet to porn for me.


I used to dress and be sexually aroused greatly. Now, it is not so much sexual, as sensual, attractive, but, i do have fantasies of being held, and carressed by men, sometimes.

Maybe because frequent dressing has numbed your sexual stimulation and now the fantasy of being with a man while dressed is the next level of achieving your dopamine. I'm not accusing, just trying to use what learned from here: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series


Good for you trying to kick porn addiction!

Are you ashamed of your crossdressing, or does it negatively affect your life? I have found, like many others, that the consequences of completely abandoning that part of you are more destructive than allowing some crossdressing in your life. Reboot and purge as you might, it doesn't go away, and you may become angry and unpleasant from the repression.

Of course, you can become addicted to all kinds of ordinary activities, like sports, work, or restoring vintage cars, and no-one thinks any less of you - unless they get in the way of your relationships or responsibilities. Maybe consider crossdressing as an ordinary and fun activity that you just need to balance with the rest of your life. Good luck!

I am not ashamed of crossdressing nor do I feel guilty about dressing. I admire it and have fully accepted it.

And yes, I have a strong feeling that I am addicted to porn and that it has negatively affected my life socially. I have a hard time getting the motivation to go out with colleagues or ask girls out on dates. I've read success stories of people who haven't looked at porn for months and years and they all feel like they've improved socially.

[luca]

I have always felt weird about this because this started as sexual for me as well in my teens. It still is and I often get visibly excited when I dress and I find it embarrassing. I know that it is a fetish and I am becoming ok that it excites me, but I still watch porn sometimes and I don't like the idea of this being something that is such a habit that.i almost need to do it. It's almost like someone who just snacks when they are bored, all day long until it is not boredom that makes them snack but snacking that distracts them from doing other things. I'm okay that I have a fetish, but I want to be able to dress and enjoy myself for the pretty things that I am wearing and THEN enjoy it sexually when I can do it and when I am ready to. I agree with Jennifer that crossdressing and porn are unrelated.

[TeresaCD]

Hi Julia. Good for you, trying to stop!
I have struggled with pornography over the years, a couple of keys I have found are seeing the why you do it, and seeing the effect it has on you and your relationship with others. Not everyone is the same, some find it easier, others not so much.
Masturbation 'locks in' behaviours, so stopping that will certainly help (in my experience)
I, like Jennifer, see dressing and porn as separate things, more a part of who you are, rather than something you do.

[Anna Abwaerts]

I would bet 100$ that you will not abandon porn. Im platinum sure I would win this bet. And if I dont... then I would feel compassion.... then you can have the money.

[Julia Roze]

I would bet 100$ that you will not abandon porn. Im platinum sure I would win this bet. And if I dont... then I would feel compassion.... then you can have the money.

Why do you think this?

[Anna Abwaerts]

So you will have a gf/wife and maybe she proposes to watch something kinky or questions you about it. Or you watch a movie (together or alone) and a bed scene comes up and what will you do? Kick yourself because it is against your "no porn rules"?

And besides... even if you dont watch porn you will get aroused... on the street, in the mornings, everywhere. You will need to have an outlet. Again I am platinum sure it is harmful to your health to not have a regular orgasm. Your penis is a muscle, it needs to work.

[maxjohnson]

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it. Even women can feel sexy about themselves from dressing nicely, so I don't see why a guy can't. This is too close to berating people who enjoy bondage sex, I'm not into that, but I won't automatically judge those who like it either. Everyone have their own reasons why dressing certain ways, not just crossdressing alone. Well I'm not a psychiatrist so its all opinions, but for me I think its okay to dress or look at porn however you want as long as there is a balance to it and not harmful to your physical and mental health.

[Julia Roze]

So you will have a gf/wife and maybe she proposes to watch something kinky or questions you about it. Or you watch a movie (together or alone) and a bed scene comes up and what will you do? Kick yourself because it is against your "no porn rules"?

And besides... even if you dont watch porn you will get aroused... on the street, in the mornings, everywhere. You will need to have an outlet. Again I am platinum sure it is harmful to your health to not have a regular orgasm. Your penis is a muscle, it needs to work.

I think you misunderstood. Orgasms, sex or stimulation from real people aren't the problem. Even solo masturbation without looking at porn is ok once in a while. The problem is stimulation from a 2d image from the porn on your computer screen. The problem is the convenience of the internet, and how easily it can numb your senses and lead to addiction.

Accidentally running into a cue or trigger such as a bed scene in a movie is ok because you're not willingly looking for it.

I'm not saying porn is bad - do whatever you want with it. All I'm saying is that it's become a problem for me and that I no longer wish to see it if that's what it takes to fix the problem.

[Beverley Sims]

If you have the will power and can set a goal for each day, you can probably defeat both urges.
Dressing however does seem to be hard wired differently,\.
I think it is built into our psyche.

[DebbieL]

I've been reading up on ways to stop porn addiction and basically read that I have to stop all forms of sexual stimulation. Sexual fantasies, masturbation and orgasms to porn are not allowed during a reboot. Orgasms with real people or masturbation without porn is ok. After a successful reboot of say months or years, it's not recommended to ever go back to porn.

Been reading Fundamentalist Christian pseudo-science have we? Porn is relatively harmless unless we start rejecting our real-life partner because he or she can't live up to our porn inspired fantasies. In "Porn", professional models wear all sorts of cute outfits, or nothing at all, they take yoga and dance classes for 3-4 hours a day to maintain their shape, and even then, they have to plan their poses with the photographer so that they can pull their stomachs in at just the right moment while making that sexy face. After that, the photographer or publication does other photographic or photo-shop effects to make color issues go away. The woman you are jerking off to in the magazine isn't real, she doesn't "love" you, she doesn't even want to **** you, and even if she did, you would probably be disappointed with the experience.

Even in a pornographic movie, the poses to provide good camera angles are anything but natural, and are often even painful. This is one of the reasons they do all that yoga and dance, so that they can stretch to really awkward positions to provide that really hot camera shot you love so much. She may have to stop in the middle of the scene to relieve cramps.

And the man is also not necessarily having a great time the whole time either. Viagra causes the erection, and he has to be able to *** on queue, with a crew of 5-20 people moving around with cameras, microphones, and lighting equipment, and they all want to go to lunch.

Real women have curves, and lumps, and cellulite. They have bad days, they have their own wants and needs. It takes them longer to get aroused and they need you to take your time, to kiss their necks, to scratch their back where the bra would be, and you need to take your time. You need to ask her about her ROMANTIC fantasies as well as her sexual fantasies.


I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?

If they told you that you had to castrate yourself, would you do that too? If your are a sex offender, or are considering forms of sex that involve truly non-consensual sex, and involve your pleasure alone, without concern or interest in the pleasure of the partner, then you need some serious help from a professional, and not a fundamentalist Christian who has no ideal what he's dealing with.

Bottom line, your sexual desire is a natural and essential part of being a human being. If we didn't have sexual desire, we wouldn't reproduce, we wouldn't have children, and we wouldn't stay around to raise them. Some mammals simply make love because they smell a female in heat, mate, and then have no interest in what happens to the mother or their offspring.

Where we get into trouble is when we start wondering about things that we have no real intention of fulfilling, or we have no possibility of fulfilling. For example, a married man having fantasies about making love to another man's wife, or a much younger girl, such as a daughter's friend. We wonder about it, and the wondering is almost immediately followed by despair.


Or is crossdressing just a result of my porn addiction? I only got into crossdressing because of fetishes. Will my crossdressing lifestyle go away after this reboot?

When did you first start getting into the fetishes? Most males have most of their sexual preferences, including their sexual identity, gender partner preference, and activity preferences, by the time we are 4-5 years old. This is usually right after we are potty trained and have free and unrestricted access to our primary genitalia. Ironically, girls develop their sexual desires even earlier and can give themselves orgasms while wearing diapers.

Do you have a partner at the moment? You are 21 years old. You have probably had very little actual sexual experience, and even that is few and far between. If you are also a late bloomer, not losing your virginity until later, then you probably have even more of a fantasy rich sex life.

There is nothing wrong with having rich and varied fantasies if you enjoy them. The challenge is to be able to find others who have complimentary interests to yours. For example, if you like to be dressed up and wear special items of clothing, and maybe even be bound, then the challenge is to find a woman who really LIKES the fact that your submissive and want to dress up. There are actually women who seek out "Sissy boys" and really enjoy feminizing them, even humiliating them, and at the same time giving them pleasure. At the same time, they will want to teach you how to please her with a lot more than what's between your legs.

Unfortunately, MPAA ratings practices have created two forms of media. The romantic comedies or romances are full of romance and love, with no sex, which is a fantasy, and contrary to human behavior, as unnatural as porn, which is sex with no love and no romance.

You should balance your porn by watching romances and reading romantic and erotic novels. Go on Amazon and look up your fetishes, look up "Sissy" or "Transgender" or "Cross-Dressing". There are lots of stories that are nice romantic novels that have transgenders, cross-dressers, or "Sissies" as the featured character.

You should also spend some time watching "chick flicks", romances and romantic comedies, preferably with a girl who is a friend, or several girls who are friends. When you get to the point where you are crying because you are happy, along with the rest of the girls, you know that you have achieved a balance.

Finally, you need to understand that LOVE is not some feeling that is caused by a soup of hormones that happens when you are aroused or happy or both together, but is rather a commitment to love the other person just the way they are and just the way they aren't. When you can love a woman regardless of her figure, her mood, her time of the month, or her pains or joys, and you want to do everything you can to make her laugh and be happy, regardless of the circumstances, that's love. When you can see yourself standing by her bed when she is as old as your grandmother, and loving her every moment your are together, telling her how wonderful she is, that's love.

You also need to understand that relationships are NOT 50/50 but 100% you and 0% the other person. When you are worried about getting your share, of pleasure, of sex, of money, of anything else, you become selfish and you will want more than your share thinking it's owed to you. Instead, you need to focus on how you can please your partner and how you can make him/her happy, and expect nothing. This way, when you get love expressed, even if it's not in the form you were hoping for, you can be grateful for it and realize that sometimes "You're not going to wear THAT to work" is her way of saying "I love you more than anything and I want you to be happy at work".

You also need to give up notions of what your partner should look like. The playboy model may look like she'd be wild in bed, but the ones who are real tigers in bed are the ones who are not so physically beautiful. They know how to create a good time in any situation, their friends bring them to parties because they know she will create magic. They are often open to lots of different things and are much more interested in trying lots of different things. They have their own fantasies and desires, unfulfilled for a long time, and they are looking for a partner who wants to play, and wants to play for a long time, even for life.

A "porn purge" is good if you are looking for a fundamentalist Christian wife and want to live a life where sex is solely for procreation and not particularly enjoyable even then.

What you really need to do is look at all of your relationships with partners of your preference (let's assume women). This would include lovers, friends, girls you kissed but never took to bed, and girls you wished you could take to bed. You should also look at the girls who tried to pick you up that you rejected. Look at what you liked about each relationship, and what you didn't like.

You want to look at your sexual fantasies as well. Assume that you could have a partner who would do ANYTHING you wanted her to, what would you REALLY want to do. Then think about your limits. Are there things that you WOULD NOT do for a partner who pleased you? What are the things you WILL do, what do you LIKE to do - even if you don't get off on it. Would you be willing to play with toys? Would you be willing to do oral? Would you let her do you?

Then you need to look at where you have been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or evasive. Where have you hurt others? Where have you you been "lucky"?

Then, and only then, you can begin to create a safe and sane sexual ideal based on honesty, authenticity, and real relationship.

Next, you need to tell at least 12 people about your safe and sane sex ideal, what you really want and really could do. You can also put that on a dating site if you'd like. The 12 people is usually enough to create a network large enough that you will be introduced to someone who will introduce you to someone who wants EXACTLY what you want to offer and is willing to do EXACTLY what you want them to do.

Once you find a like-minded partner, you can explore each other's limits. Be willing to give up your limits and discover new things that you might enjoy. I was introduced to bondage (both dominant and submissive), pettycoat discipline, and pegging by partners I met this way. In each case, what started out as a "one night stand" turned into a mutually satisfying relationship that lasted for months or even years. This includes my current wife.

If you really want to deal with "Sex Addiction" these are the first steps in doing so. You don't have to give up your favorite fantasy porn, you just need to expand your horizons beyond your own self-centered desires and begin to explore how you would please others. You should probably get Cosmo and read it carefully, as well as novels such as "50 shades of Grey" - it's popularity as a best seller should be a good indication of how many women have these types of fantasies. Pay attention to the romantic aspects as well as the sexual aspects.

[ReineD]

I think you're wise to do this. There was a study in Italy you might be interested in. They surveyed thousands of young men under 30 (not older men), and they discovered that with the proliferation of available internet porn, there is an abnormally high percentage of younger men who are supposed to be at the peak of their sexuality, who have Erectile Disfunction when they are with women!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-growing-problem

They do say that abstinence from porn is the only way to fix this.

Be careful though to not replace the porn with masturbating every time you dress. This can eventually lead to autogynephilia (AGP ... the love of oneself as a woman) which makes it just as difficult, if it is severe enough, to have sex with women, since your preferences and fantasies will lie elsewhere.

[whowhatwhen]

A therapist would probably be better able to help you more with the porn stuff, but don't expect a whole lot to try to "cure" you of crossdressing.
All anyone here can do is play armchair therapist and it's probably not going to help you much.

It seems super common that the sexual component diminishes after a while, but since you're 21 being horny all the time is pretty par for the course :P

The only thing I can suggest:
Try getting some non-sexy, casual clothes and see where that goes, if you gotta fap then take them off completely as to attempt to detach the sex from the clothes.

Note: I'm no professional, this is just my best guess.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Just out of curiosity, why do you feel the need to stop dressing (or anything else) for sexual stimulation? Is it causing problems in a relationship?

[Wildaboutheels]

MOST men are visual creatures compliments of Good Ol' Mother Nature. SImply EVOLUTION at work and nothing anymore complicated than that.

There are those here who say it has NEVER been sexual for them. Presumably they mean they have NEVER had an O wearing female clothing items???

NEVER? Probably common for those born with/in the wrong body who [most likely] go on to transition to "settle the matter".

I think most mean it has SELDOM been sexual and/or the O part was many moons ago. I would bet a years pay that the O part is what accounts for why the vast majority here feel "guilty and/or ashamed".

Porn, CDing and magazines are ALL avenues to the promised land but I don't think they are necessarily linked in any way or that one leads to another. Toys are another avenue but different because toys are NOT visual cues. You'll notice a marked absence of flats and granny dresses in the pic gallery. And you WON'T see hookers wearing such attire either. Granny dresses and flats are certainly FEMALE items but aren't "good"VISUAL cues.Throw in all the guests at this site plus the popularity of the photo gallery plus which topics always get the most responses and the conclusion is inescapable.

I would not worry too much about which causes what unless it's ruining your Relationship/s in some way or costing you too much money. There seems to be an attitude among some that water here that dressing without the O part is somehow "better" or makes a man dressing as a woman less "wrong" or offensive. I find that line of thought a bit silly myself.

Pavlov and his dogs got nothing on MOST CDers and their clothes. People trying to deny the things that push their buttons will have a mighty long row to hoe.

Ad as already mentioned, people can become addicted to anything. Apparently MANY females are addicted to their "battery powered devices" and can't get to the promised land w/o them.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hey Julia...

I have not gone through a reboot as you have described but I have gone through many internal self-examinations of my motives over the past two decades. Why do I do this? Why does that turn me on? Are these things related?

Like some others here I have learned that dressing and sexual stimulation can be very separate things even if they feel one and the same when dressed and enjoying sexual activity of any kind. I have learned to enjoy both approaches: dressing for simple comfort and preference as well as dressing for sexual fun. The fetish side still has a home but it's not overbearing nor all consuming.

It would seem obvious that your desire for porn is really a function of your lack of will power in accessing porn. Right, don't watch it...yet how do you avoid it? I do not need to search very hard to find it online which makes me grateful that the internet was not available when I was a teen (I am 43 now) even though it would have helped me feel more "normal" and less alone as a cross dresser. Perhaps the big secret is learning to restrict your use of technology to access porn. "Reboot" being a computer term may be the big clue.

Try finding the will power to turn off or limit the technology to start and see how things go. Discover other means of personal entertainment other than surfing the web (at home or on the phone). Going cold turkey would work but sometimes turning off one thing at a time in a system to see how it affects the system overall can help narrow things down. Or turn it all off and turn one thing on at a time. Does that make sense? Predetermine all the components that you feel are linked to your porn desires and give it a whirl. Yes, it will take some time but you already have made a good start by acknowledging what you want to change.

Good Luck!

[Frédérique]

I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?

I find it impossible to shake an addiction to porn, but the latter keeps unfolding, with new areas of interest opening up all the time. The pornographic “fog” that afflicts me is so pervasive that I employ crossdressing to combat it – there is no sexual fetish inherent in my CD’ing, and it really helps to create a calm space away from that other, somewhat debilitating world. But, you know, I really don’t wish to abandon my fun, either pornography or crossdressing – why should I? There’s not much on the menu in my dwindling life, or on this Earth, and these are the things that thrill and/or please me consistently. Why should I restrict my avenues of pleasure? To please others? I KNOW the time is going to come when all this will end, and I’d just like to make the most of the time I have left to me...

So, I don’t know how one would abandon crossdressing. You and I are very different, since crossdressing does not enhance my sexual pleasure one little bit. Also, I wouldn’t entertain the idea of a “reboot,” even though it may very well help me in some way – I would rather keep things just the way they are, and keep smiling...
:D

[Veronica 1]

I'd say if your will is strong enough you could stop CDing.
As with some addictions just go cold turkey and take it a day at a time.
I kicked alcohol and cocaine cold turkey.

Congratulations, you are a very strong willed person to be able to do that.

[Sabrina133]

When it comes to CDing or addiction to porn, is there really such as thing as "cured"? I think key to not doing something is understanding why you do it. I gave up dressing for 4 years because 1) it wasnt readily available, 2) i was in an environment where doing it was extemely dangerous. For those two reasons i chose not to do it. When those conditions changed, the urge to dress once again overcame the desire not to do it.

People who cold turkey dangerous addictions such as smoking, drinking or drugs give them up because something happens to them that makes them need to quit. Many of us quit dressing because an SO has given us an ultimatum - stop dressing or loose me. If we chose not to dress anymore, It doesnt mean we are cured of the desire to dress. It simply means that the desire to not kill a relationship overrides our desire to dress. Much like drinking, drugs or other behaviors deemed harmful or unacceptable (and no am not saying dressing or porn is harmfull unless it inteferes with your ability to function), the abllity to stop is based largely on understanding why you do it and the self discipline to stop if you desire to stop.

It took me a long time and an outstanding therapist to help me undersstand this. I would strongly recommend you pursue the same route - a good therapist that is.

[Julia Roze]

DebbieL

I don't think we're on the same page.

To me, crossdressing triggers sexual cues. Lipstick, mascara, stockings, heels and breast forms lead to masturbation in the end. You may be asking me, ''well what if your girlfriend had lipstick, mascara, stockings, heels and 34dd breasts?'' Well it's the same with porn. You see a vagina on the screen and you masturbate to it. If I get into a relationship, and this person I'm in a relationship happens to have a vagina, am I going to cut my dick off? No, because sexual stimulation with real people is acceptable.

Let's try to steer away from the guilt, shame or acceptance of crossdressing. I am way past that. My main concern is how my porn addiction has affected my social skills. Most of what you said involves a partner and I don't have one. My main goal from abstaining from porn is so that I can stop my addiction and improve my social skills to create relationships. I am all for letting the person I love know about my crossdressing.

I am sorry to read that you included religion in your argument. I was baptized and as a child went to sunday mass, but ultimately I am agnostic. I'm not sure if youtube links are allowed, but here is a shortened video of the youtube series a posted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=player_embedded @ 1:35 I don't think christianity is ok with multiple sex partners.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Cross dressing and porn are totally unrelated.

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it.

Well everyone is different and for many crossdressers sexual feelings go hand in hand with dressing. I am not sure what to tell you about dressing and addictions but counseling could be a good option.

[makin' it real]

Hi Julia Roze. I too am considering a break from porn, a reboot of my sexual excitation system. It's a tough one to do, for sure. I tried it once a few years ago and only made it a week before I started watching PG YouTube videos for the visual stimulation. After I did that a couple times it was right back to where I'd started. I mention this to name one of the pitfalls you'll want to avoid in your own journey. Don't allow even a footstep into the wrong direction. Be gentle with your heart and firm in your actions.

Here's another bit of support for stopping porn and reducing masturbation. The article describes the effects of habitual masturbation on an otherwise successful man's social life, using different world views and medical systems as explanatory models. I've experienced results similar to those described in the article, so I think there may be some validity to these other views.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9184/tall-dark-handsome-but-cant-find-a-relationship-because-of-this-one-habit.html

Whatever your reasons, I wish you great success.

~Rachel

[sammont]

Hi Julia Rose,
I think you're right on track. Porn and crossdressing are far more similar and linked than most will admit.
Lets look at the porn first. Remember being 13 or 14 when the swimwear models in sports illustrated were more than enough to arouse you. Soon it was onto playboy or penthouse, then perhaps to some more graphic magazines.
All this had a self limiting nature. You had to pay for a new magazine, you had to front up to the nice lady at the news agency to buy a smutty magazine, you needed somewhere to hide it. So it limited itself.
Then along came the internet. One day your looking at girls in playboy, soon its hardcore, then its kinky. Soon you're looking at things you'd never have even imagined. No filter, easy to hide, easy to access. you're on the slippery slope.

Crossdressing is somewhat like this. Most of us started in our mothers or sisters room, covertly slipping into a bra or pair of stockings. Exciting and for most as pubescent boys it was sexually arousing. But still it was self limiting. And without the internet it would have stayed that way.
Most of us still don't venture into the department store, its all on the internet. And again, the excitement fades and you're found looking for more. Soon you're sisters bras aren't enough, you're on the internet, buy a wig, maybe some breastforms, shoes. Its all there.
Furthermore, one day you have a secret little 'thing'. The next day you're entrenched in the online cd community with its overwhelming group hug, its all ok feeling. Everyone is telling you that its normal, good, even a gift to be a crossdresser.
Well its not! Its selfish, narcissistic behaviour. It benefits no one, not even you. Like porn you divert time, money and energy into something that gains you nothing.
Yes yes, I know, they're all going to say that's it part of who you are and you need to explore and express your feminine side.... blah blah blah. You need it no more than you need porn.

Imagine you're neighbour dressed up like a pirate. Why, because he had to express his inner pirate! I'd say go for it, while he's playing in fantasy land I can devote my time to career, family, friends. That's what adults do.
Why is crossdressing different? I'm no more a woman that he is a pirate. If he really wanted to be a pirate he'd be somewhere off the African coast. If I REALLY wanted to be a woman, I'd be going through the long and arduous steps of transition.
And without the internet most of us would have never got past the washing hamper.

So you can talk about how society is wrong and pushes gender roles and marginalizes difference. But despite how wrong it is at the end of the day we're pretty fortunate to be living in such lucky times. If we were fighting daily for survival we wouldn't be too worried about how our new breast forms look!

So I say reboot. You can do it! I haven't dressed for over a year. Yesterday I had a slight relapse by joining this site, but your post has made me re-assess things again.
I'm sure you can quit, I can too.

Good Luck

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julia, Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit.

[Julie Gaum]

Some of these posts are getting off the OP's quest for help to abstain from porn. Further, some are getting dogmatic based on their own experiences rather than findings from properly qualified research on subjects that have little bearing on this specific problem. Most, however, do agree that porn and CDing are seperate issues that became intertwined by those seeking solutions (orgasims or other goals). Julia, we also agree that dressing is something that can never be kicked out of your life for long. I strongly disagree with those that say that porn addiction is NOT similar to drug and liquor addiction. As opposed to CDing these are all maladies that can be cured, some faster than others. But with resolve and courage you will win. Don't get sidetracked in the process.
Julie

[whowhatwhen]

sammont

You just proved everyone else's point.
Most people can't just stop because they have a feminine presence that needs to be expressed.

Go ahead though, keep trying just like all the others.
Then what? A few years down the road you'll be posting here "abloo bloo bloo my wife hates me now cause I hid this part of my past from her".

I tried my whole life and it doesn't work, but go on.

OP:
You need a therapist to help you with porn addiction, not someone to tell you to try and stop crossdressing.
Anyone willing to try conversion or reparative therapy is someone you need to run from.

[sammont]

whowhatwhen
I see your point. I didn't say it was easy. I didn't say I'd started cross-dressing again either. I was on the internet and came across this post while looking for some positive voices on the stop side.
The point I probably didn't convey is how porn and crossdressing is linked. As most of us as crossdressers spend a lot of our lives in the online cd community, no matter how hard you try, you will drift into the x rated section pretty regularly.
This is a problem for someone prone to porn addiction.

The other issue I'd like to mention is the lack of a control group. You don't hear the voice of the man who has thrown off crossdressing and moved on with his life. You don't hear him because he's not on the internet engaged in these discussions, he is directing his energy elsewhere.
You talk about those who have tried to stop and failed. We all know about them because they're back on the forum talking about the failure.
The others who succeeded have moved on with an easier life.

[whowhatwhen]

Then the problem is just with your addictions to porn and not crossdressing, but I guess it makes a convenient scapegoat?
I think we hear from plenty of men who were in that group but end up here saying that their wife found their stash and now it's over.

Why not just get counselling for a porn addiction problem?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with crossdressing and most of the STOP voices are going to be from people who are doing it for "moral" reasons.

From the wording of the OP she likes crossdressing, so why not try to decouple the sexual feelings from it or at least work on self-control?
That's even if she wants to decouple them, it's perfectly okay to dress for sex reasons but anything done to excess has the potential to be harmful.

[sammont]

whowhatwhen


We're getting off track. I might start a new post about me.

As for the OP and her Porn/CD issues.
I'm not coming from the moral or religious view.
I think that as a 21 year old who primarily crossdresses for sexual gratification, it should be pretty easy to stop.
Life will be easier if she does. I know, as most on here do, how much time and energy can be invested into crossdressing. It may not be a problem but that time and energy could surely be directed at more productive and fulfilling areas of life.

If not linked, there are similarities with porn and crossdressing. Both tend to escalate. If the OP, regardless of the porn addiction, continues to crossdress, she will most likely end up going from some lingerie for sexual gratification to full garments, to makeup.... You all know the drill.
There is nothing wrong with that. Like my neighbour who likes to dress up like a pirate. Great fun. Not really productive, and right or wrong, not really applauded by society.
so to the OP, I say quit both. Do a reboot. Maybe she doesn't need crossdressing. Maybe, once the porn is gone, the urge will still be there and she can be sure that it isn't related to the exposure to porn.

[ReineD]

Most, however, do agree that porn and CDing are seperate issues that became intertwined by those seeking solutions (orgasims or other goals). Julia, we also agree that dressing is something that can never be kicked out of your life for long. I strongly disagree with those that say that porn addiction is NOT similar to drug and liquor addiction. As opposed to CDing these are all maladies that can be cured, some faster than others. But with resolve and courage you will win. Don't get sidetracked in the process.
Julie

I think a distinction needs to be made between men who use the crossdressing or the clothes strictly as a fetish, not dissimilar to using latex, angora, or any other type of fetish ... and individuals who dress due to an inner need to express femininity. I know that we don't have a lot of fetishists here because the forum rules prohibit graphic sexual content, but judging by the plethora of trans-porn/dating/chat sites, there must be a significant number of CDers who do not dress for identity reasons.

I don't know how many teenage boys begin dressing for other reasons than sexual gratification, so for young men who have not yet evolved to dressing for identity reasons, porn and the CDing may in fact be linked?


here is a shortened video of the youtube series a posted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=player_embedded

Julia, this is a great link! The speaker explains the chemical process of porn/sexual/other addictions and I think that early on and at the chemical level, there can be a strong correlation between porn use and crossdressing for sexual gratification. I've inserted references to the crossdressing in brackets below, that correlate to the porn issues.

At around the video's 14 minute mark, the speaker says that younger men are not regaining erectile health as quickly as older men, when they stop watching porn. This seems counter-intuitive until he explains that the brains of boys who watch frequent porn are at their peak of dopamine production and neuro-plasticity. This is a time when boys are most vulnerable to addiction. There is also another risk: by adulthood, teen brains gradually strengthen heavily used circuits ... the circuits formed by watching porn, (or crossdressing for sexual gratification), and brains also prune back unused circuits. So according to the speaker, by age 22 a guy's sexual tastes can be like deep ruts in his brain which is problematic if he has escalated to extreme porn, or porn that no longer matches his sexual orientation (or frequent dressing for sexual arousal).

So although porn use and crossdressing for identity reasons may not be linked, I wonder if both do follow the same addictive process IF the crossdressing starts early enough (teenage years) and with a major focus on sexual gratification.

[mary something]

if you consider this an addiction then lets try and see how to heal from it. You enjoy crossdressing and looking at porn and it always ends up with you masturbating correct? It is not uncommon for crossdressers to do this. It's obvious that if you are masturbating then you are aroused right? If you are looking at porn then it makes you more aroused, so that explains why the porn element is there right? You want to become more aroused.

Obviously everyone masturbates to have an orgasm, but beside that what are you getting out of this behavior? What does this cycle of behavior provide for you? How do you feel after you've had an orgasm? What need does having an orgasm supply besides just the physical sensation of pleasure?

Perhaps the key to managing this behavior so that it is not running your life involves understanding what you get out of it?

[whowhatwhen]

You know what else isn't productive yet is accepted by society?

Getting drunk
Playing video games
Working on your car (I'm sorry, no one cares about your car - please stop talking about it)
Watching TV

People here put just as much, maybe even more effort into their female appearance than others do with their hobbies so I don't see how it's not constructive.
Why not take it a step further? Want to quit porn? Smash your computer!

If you have an addictive personality then something else will just replace porn, just get professional help rather than trying to lone wolf it.
You may as well be telling an alcoholic to "just stop drinking lol", addictions need professional intervention.

Stopping crossdressing may help in the short run but she'll find other excuses to run off to pornland and lots of evidence points to the fact she'll be right back.
How many purge regret threads have we had here anyway? The answer is TONNES!

[NicoleScott]

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it.

Here we go. How predictable.
This is just another way of saying "my crossdressing is right, and yours is wrong"

[Julia Roze]

if you consider this an addiction then lets try and see how to heal from it. You enjoy crossdressing and looking at porn and it always ends up with you masturbating correct? It is not uncommon for crossdressers to do this. It's obvious that if you are masturbating then you are aroused right? If you are looking at porn then it makes you more aroused, so that explains why the porn element is there right? You want to become more aroused.

Obviously everyone masturbates to have an orgasm, but beside that what are you getting out of this behavior? What does this cycle of behavior provide for you? How do you feel after you've had an orgasm? What need does having an orgasm supply besides just the physical sensation of pleasure?

Perhaps the key to managing this behavior so that it is not running your life involves understanding what you get out of it?

pleasure, that's all

[Norah_joy]

Nicole, you just posted what I was thinking. Too many threads pull us apart rather than bring us together. Always somebody who thinks they're a "good crossdresser" while others dress for all the wrong reasons. Too many Judge Judys, in my opinion.

[2B Natasha]

Funny you would go about it this way. I once had a problem with self pleasure. Porn played a small role. But I felt it was and did ruin my relationship with my then with. She who also had her little friend to turn to instead of me. We where both at fault in the end. So I set about figuring how to stop. Cold turkey for me. But what REALLY helped was admitting that I love do get my girlie on. That I found was what I was missing all those years. I was just substituting one for the other in the end.

How that will help you? I have no idea. But you wanted to hear about people that quit.

As a side note. When me and my current wife would like to have marital relations. It has been strictly all boy all girl. The cd aspect has not entered the romantic aspect of our life. Will it? IDK. It may in the future.

But self abuse? That is a thing of the past thanks to my second wardrobe.

Cheers and good luck. It ain't easy.

[Abbygirl]

I've been reading up on ways to stop porn addiction and basically read that I have to stop all forms of sexual stimulation. Sexual fantasies, masturbation and orgasms to porn are not allowed during a reboot. Orgasms with real people or masturbation without porn is ok. After a successful reboot of say months or years, it's not recommended to ever go back to porn.

I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?


I too have attempted a reboot. I ended up not making it long enough to really know whether it worked or not. I think I made it about 90 days. Made me realize how much of an addiction porn really can be.

As far as my crossdressing side, well, I didn't stop that when I rebooted. In fact what happened for me was that I seemed to substitute shopping and dressing for the porn I was no longer enjoying. I was probably fooling myself that dressing was not just another stimulation to keep the dopamine flowing. Giving up my porn addiction is one thing, but giving up CD'ing? Can't see that happening.

[Greenie]

OP: I think that anything that has an addictive component needs to learn control. While I do not think CDing is wrong, I do believe that compulsive and obsessive behavior surrounding it... is. Coming from a GG, when you do meet someone you want to be with, even if they are accepting of the CDing it would be the lack of apparent self control that might become the problem. Luca is kind of like that (compulsive) in behavior. He would tell you this himself, and I am sure if you PM you might have a good conversation.

Our issue was not CDing as much as how he behaved compulsively and addictive towards those behaviors. kind of "kid in a candy store" in order to create a foundation for positive relationships to grow I would work on this. Thankfully you have already identified it as an issue. Congrats on that. Its the first step.

:) wish you luck dear.

[heatherdress]

Julia - Gutsy to admit you have a problem. Don't know if you can get some help because it is hard to do this by yourself. If you really want to stop your addiction, you have to get rid of access. That means getting rid of your computer or at least having someone put a porn blocker on yours for you. Simple but maybe hard to do.

You will have to find a substitute or substitutes. Maybe going all out to find someone and develop a relationship is a possibility for you. You can do this!

Good luck.

[mary something]

pleasure, that's all

ok, I would hope so :) What do you do right aftwerwards? Do you go back to boy mode or stay in girl mode? I only ask because it is an effective method of making your mind feel as male as it usually will.

[Julia Roze]

ok, I would hope so :) What do you do right aftwerwards? Do you go back to boy mode or stay in girl mode? I only ask because it is an effective method of making your mind feel as male as it usually will.

I stay in girl mode for a bit. Probably hop on omegle lol

[DebbieL]

Julia,
The most important thing to realize is that males typically think about sex about 5 times a minute at age 15 and about 3 times a minute in the mid twenties. Men are also more visually oriented and more inclined to go from visual stimulation to orgasm very quickly.

Women are more aroused by sensory experiences, smells, sounds, touches, and even taste. Visual is important as well, but not as important as the other things.

Transgenders, including CDs to Transsexuals, are aroused by everything, and often need multiple aspects to be aroused, much the same as a woman. The difference is that we can see a picture of a woman in a pair of hose and our imagination and memory creates the memory of actually WEARING the hose almost as real as if we had actually dressed. Many of us are also sensitive to smells, especially certain perfumes, even room fresheners can put us in a more romantic mood, just like women. Many of us are sensitive to sounds, and can become more receptive and romantic when listening to, or even performing music. Some of us even struggle with weight problems because we can experience certain kinds of food, such as chocolate, as arousing, especially when sex is not an option.

For those of us who have actually dressed up and gone to parties or events, the sight of a woman in a really beautiful outfit made of sensuous fabrics in dramatic colors can bring back wonderful memories. There have even been times when I've gone to a party dressed and started dancing like I did in my 30s. At 55+ the heels come off much earlier.

We are sexual beings, especially when we are in our twenties. It's the instinct that drives us to pair, mate, have children, and raise them. If you were in a relationship with someone and having sex on a regular basis, the need for sex, and therefore the desire to read porn, would begin to wane.

Sadly, masturbation is not a substitute either. We can have the orgasm, but once we have climaxed, we are left feeling frustrated and even more alone, even more aware of our desire and need for a real human being as a partner.

I'm curious as to what makes you think you have a "porn addiction" problem. Are you bringing it to work? Looking at it during work hours? Are you masturbating in the men's room and having loud noisy orgasms during your coffee breaks? Are you having fantasies about non-consensual sex, sex with minors, or sex with animals? These would be big red flags that you need to talk to a counselor and get some guidance. Often, once we get to the core motives behind such desires, it becomes easier to redirect the fantasies into new fantasies that can also lead to real relationships. I was working with one person who had a desire for young boys. When we got to the core of it, he was threatened by beautiful women and liked the young males because they were more feminine. By redirecting his fantasies to focus women who dressed more masculine, who weren't so beautiful, and might even be a bit boyish, he was able to very quickly find a woman who was actually about 10 years older than he was, but was a bit of a tomboy and loved to act young and silly. They eventually got married and had a very happy life together.

Even bondage fantasies can be fulfilled in a safe and responsible way. Learning to trust each other takes time, testing boundaries and confirming safeguards eventually leads to a relationship where things can get incredibly intense and yet both of you are focused on the submissive's pleasure and watching for signs of panic, non-pleasure pain such as cramping, or even the itchy nose.

Sex is not evil, nor is porn. The difficulty with porn is when we confuse fantasy with reality. When we see a picture of a girl tied up and looking scared, without understanding that she is not only being well paid, but has worked out signals with the photographer or team, and is probably even telling him what she wants him to do to her, how she wants to be bound, and so on. When two women are doing a lesbian scene, that doesn't mean that they want a man to join them. Even the reality of a manage-a-trois is a LOT more work than the fantasy, especially for the man because his pleasure ends relatively quickly and there are two women who can have dozens of orgasms an hour and each wants to be completely satisfied by the other two partners. If you are living together, it means having three people eating, sharing the bathroom, arguing over who does what chores and when.

In my book, I share my experiences with many of these different experiences, including the reality that goes with the fantasy. I won't tell you that it's not GREAT, but I had to be really honest with a LOT of people and give up a lot of my assumptions around appearances. I had amazing relationships with plus size women who were incredible sex partners and brought more to the party. I also had some very pretty lovers who were difficult to get along with, emotionally draining, and a bit selfish in bed.

It may be that you are just focused on the wrong erotic literature. Consider looking at Forum, Variations, and Cosmo, publications where the contributors include more women, and more of the readers are women. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a good narrative, describing feelings, emotions, desires, and detailed actions and sensations can be more than erotic, it can be educational. If you really learn what women really want, you will probably end up with a woman who will do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

If your desires are for men, the same applies. Learning how to experience sexuality as a woman can make it more fun to be with a man. I've even had a few times when I was wearing a really hot outfit, had gotten all primed up with scents, food, drink (non-alcoholic), and the sound of a Harley motorcycle and the rider asked me if I wanted a ride. At that moment, he was so cute I didn't care if it meant I'd have to go to bed with him as payment, I was very tempted. I did turn him down, but my resistance would have been broken if he had touched me gently and treated me like a man treats a beautiful woman, or at least how a woman wants to be treated.

You can get "Addicted" to anything, even posting on this forum, or facebook, or video games. When you turn to the escape, in whatever form to avoid confronting and taking appropriate actions to change your realities, you are missing out on the opportunities of a lifetime. Having your secret porn-induced fantasies, and not telling anyone what you want is a bit like having the skills and training for a great job, and never actually trying to look for a job.

Instead of reading porn, and getting all dressed up with no place to go, get pretty and get out into the world, or at least tell a dozen trusted friends that you like to get pretty.

[Promethea]

I´m surprised by the tone in most of the replies here.

We can´t say crossdressing is related to this or that, or means this or that, for anyone other than ourselves. Something that this forum taught me is that it is different for each of us and it is all ok!
Crossdressing is linked to porn for a lot of people. And then for a lot of people it isn´t.
For a lot of people crossdressing is a part of them that shouldn´t and can´t be abandoned. And for a lot of people it isn´t.
And porn is harmless for a lot of people. But for a lot of people it is something that takes too much of their lives and gets to a point where they are not happy with it. And that definition of happiness, and of what we accept in our lives or not, is, as well, entirely personal.

We shouldn´t be judging others for taking different choices.

Julia, your crossdressing doesn´t necessarily have to go away after the reboot. You say it triggers sexual cues, but as you said that is ok as long as there is another person involved, and many people do involve their partners in their crossdressing. Anyway, at this point, I don´t think you should be worrying about what may or may not happen with your crossdressing. The most important is for you to deal with your porn addiction, and see what happens next. Only you will know if you can still crossdress or not.
And don´t be afraid to get help from a therapist. Quitting anything on your own is very difficult.

[danielletorresani]

Cross dressing and porn are totally unrelated.

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it.

Why on earth do you assume that everyone must do it for the same reasons you do?!?

CD'ing and porn can be VERY releated. It is for the author of this thread and it is for me as well. It's pretty rude to dismiss someone's feelings out of hand like this.

Might as well say, "men don't wear women's clothes. Stop it."

As a CD, you should bear a strong witness that not all brains work the same.

[makin' it real]

Danielle? It's possible Jennifer might actually be acknowledging and supporting the OP with that comment. The OP began the thread saying she got into CDing through progression in sexual fetish rather than through some pre-existing organic drive in her nature. So Jennifer's comment that if the OP wants to stop porn-related masturbation then she might need to stop the dressing along with it, seems right in line with the OP's original statements. No judgement implied.


Here is a tedx talk on porn addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=player_embedded

Julia Roze, thank you for this link. I found the research this guy cites matches my own experiences when I overuse porn. I think porn is a problem for me personally and a huge unacknowledged problem for Western cultures in general. I shared your link with my psych students so they will have more resources to work with their patients as well.

Thanks again, and I wish you all the best.

~Rachel

[Maria in heels]

Julia...are you sure that your "addiction to porn" and dressing are the same things? The dressing may result in sexual stimulation, but I think that is part of the "fantasy" portion of dressing. If you are truly a fetish dresser, then it is just another outlet for stimulation. On the other hand, if you dress to be yourself first, and then, you become stimulated, its more as if Julia needs to come out and then she just wants to be happy. Think about it a little more...

[Mollyanne]

I have been dressing for about 50 some odd years and find that it stimulates me at times, calms me at times, and just makes me feel feminine at times. I LIKE all of my emotions and personally I have come to accept the fact that I am wired differently. Do I like porn????? Yes I do, I find that it is stimulating and helps me achieve sexual release when I have a need to. Reboot, NO NO NO, I don't think I would do it.

Molly

[Erica2Sweet]

I think you're wise to do this. There was a study in Italy you might be interested in. They surveyed thousands of young men under 30 (not older men), and they discovered that with the proliferation of available internet porn, there is an abnormally high percentage of younger men who are supposed to be at the peak of their sexuality, who have Erectile Disfunction when they are with women!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-growing-problem


They do say that abstinence from porn is the only way to fix this.

Be careful though to not replace the porn with masturbating every time you dress. This can eventually lead to autogynephilia (AGP ... the love of oneself as a woman) which makes it just as difficult, if it is severe enough, to have sex with women, since your preferences and fantasies will lie elsewhere.

I've seen a documentary about either a similar, or the same study. Solo masturbating to pornography is generally a pretty unhealthy thing to do from an psychological/emotional standpoint, and yes it does cause a number of social and intimacy problems just as Reine discussed. The ED it eventually causes is thankfully reversible under the right circumstances, but it's a pretty difficult and frustrating journey back to being functional again. It's probably not the kind of thing you would want to bring to the bedroom with your future significant other, because that's usually when we discover we have this sort of problem.

You're going to read all kinds of replies that say "porn is harmless" and such, but isn't that the same sort of reply you'd get from an alcoholic when he discusses his drinking? I think the lesson to learn in this is to be wary of negative influences on your quest for your new "sobriety".

[rachael.davis]

Sooo I'm not used to being the voice of prudery, if it doesn't involve involuntary acts or kids I really don't care how tab A goes into slots B, C, D or a really cute cantelope in crotchless panties. Porn kind of dehumanises what is all told the most intimate contact you can have with another person.
I have a dear friend (she's probably one of the main reasons I didn't take a .303 headache tablet several years ago) I'm out to her, she has been a tremendous support through several hard decisions. She's tall, elegant, funny, amazingly sexual, and at one point modeled.
Last year I got a hysterical phone call from her that she had used the tower computer on the main floor of her house rather than the laptop she usually uses at the kitchen table. Her husband hadn't logged out, when the computer opened there was some really serious porno on the screen, and a see you tonight pm from some trashbag tramp. We talked for at least an hour, she hit the point that she was sort of ok, and I asked the tough questions about her husbands location and health.
They had a long serious talk about you can have that or me - your call when he got home.
I'm out to both of them, have known both of them for years. About a week later she called, and said if I had time her husband needed someone he could absolutely trust, and that would be me.
I had a long long talk with him about what on earth he was thinking, how he got to where he was in what was a womderful marriage. He was working long hours, and apparently started taking "porno" breaks at intervals while writing code, after a while the plain vanilla stuff didn't float the boat, he started looking at some serious kink, got interested, and started hitting chat rooms where he ran across some woman..... Towards the end I said look, you know where I am, you know a whole lot, but I have to ask you - your wife is beautiful, tall, she read Penthouse Variations to see if there was something she hadn't thought of - what on earth were you getting from this online hookup that you didn't have a lot more of in your bed waiting for you to finish "working" late at home?
He had no answer other than I really don't know other than it was there as sexual gratification without having to worry about another persons needs wants or dignity.

Transgender porn - new kettle of fish (so to speak)
Most tranny porn depends on there being something inherently degrading about being a woman, a transgendered woman, a t-girl, a sissy, or a confused man wearing his wifes undies while she is out of the house. There is nothing I have ever ran across that says yeah, for one reason or another you like heels, skirts, corsets....or tshirts, capris, and flats and that's pretty ok by us kind of ruins the whole "forbidden fruit" thing. The T Fiction sites all are into humiliation, shame, some sort of "oh no and then the evil woman degraded me by..."
Porn stops working once you accept that there is some aspect to your gender identity, self image, sexual identity etc. that identifies as womanish, and you're ok with it. For goodness sake you can have an emotional, and sexual relationship with another person, or a obsession with a computer screen. No matter how hard you kiss the computer it isn't going to kiss you back.

[Shananigans]

I'm actually surprised at a lot of fatalistic responses here.

You really should not see yourself as a victim to yourself. It seems like a lot of people are very adamant that NO ONE can EVER stop CDing. Likewise, many say you can NEVER stop porn.

Let's just get this straight...you can do whatever the Hell you want to do. YOU own your life...not the other way around.

The TED talk that you linked is actually a very good basic review of the major topics in science surrounding porn. But, honestly, I was incredibly surprised to see that most young boys are seeking porn at the age of 10! WOW!! Talk about critical periods of brain development! Imagine a brain that is at such a critical stage of development that gets continuously exposed and re-exposed to the same stimuli...dopamine release strongly forming certain pathways in the brain for THAT stimulus release. The man that conducted the TED talk was right to liken it to a research experiment.

My personal rule of thumb is that MOST things in life are perfectly fine in moderation. Smoking the occasional cigarette or enjoying a glass of wine is not going to lead you spiraling down a road to addiction. But, it can...if you do not practice self-control.

However, addiction is not defined by frequency alone. Addiction, by definition, means that something is causing distress in your life...something is negatively effecting the way you look at yourself, the way others look at you...it is negatively effecting your loved ones...it is negatively effecting your job. These "negative" effects can even be something as simple as the addictive stimulus popping into your mind at times that it shouldn't, coupled with a need/desire to answer that stimulus at inappropriate times.

And, the fact of the matter is that a brain addicted to alcohol looks quite similar to a brain addicted porn...or, a brain addicted to nicotine...or, a brain addicted to sex... An addicted brain is an addicted brain.

Furthermore, I want to say that from experience, that you should be VERY selective of the people that you surround yourself with in your recovery. Many people that have answered you on this thread are probably facing similar addictions. Unfortunately, most addicts in denial do NOT want to see another addict recover...this is why you'll meet people that very clearly seem to have a problem, but they also will adamantly come up with every excuse in the book to shake you from your path to recovery.

As unfortunate as it is, recovery from addiction actually means that you cut a few ties to people that do not have your best interests in mind. I would SINCERELY advise you to really consider this, because I have seen so many people fall off the path of recovery simply by surrounding themselves with people who did not have their best interests at heart.

You remember how our parents always hounded us about the type of friends that we had? (Or, at least mine would). It turns out that there is a lot of truth and wisdom behind this...the people that we surround ourselves with greatly influences us. Surround yourself with people that want you to succeed and want you to do what is best for YOU.

It doesn't matter that "Steve" or "Jenn" say that porn isn't a big deal...or, that they feel CDing won't cause you to fall back into old habits. What really matters is that YOU feel that porn is negatively impacting your life and you are so committed to stopping it, that you are afraid CDing may cause you to fail in achieving your goal. That is the only thing that matters. And, I have to say if you truly believe CDing may cause a problem, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You know yourself best. Do not listen to people that would have you fail because they are battling their own problems.

My advice to you would be to find a group of people that are also trying to give up internet porn. There are literally TONS of groups out there, because internet porn is actually now one of the leading problems counselors are facing as a divorce issue. Many of these groups are held at churches, but in most places you do not have to be part of that church congregation. Basically, the churches just allow them to hold the meetings in their facilities. Some groups do have a religious component, but many do not. AA actually has a great model for addiction that is used with a lot of other programs...but, AA is also religious-based...so, the "off-shoots" off AA often have religious components.

The real reward of these programs is that it sets you up with a group of people that want to see you succeed. You become accountable for the people in your group and you do everything in your power to see each other succeed.

Also, you need to block access to porn. And, that is extremely difficult to do in this day and age. But, essentially, you are probably going to have to block access to sites on your computer and your mobile devices. There is a ton of software out there, but I recommend NOT knowing the password to the blocking programs. Give it to a friend you trust who wants to see you succeed. You may want to consider getting a phone that does not surf the internet.

Masturbate.

If CDing is mainly a sexual thrill for you...masturbate before you dress up. Then, test the waters. Try having a plan for what you are going to do while dressed....something that doesn't involve watching porn or taking pictures. Heck, block the sites that you would normally go to for picture-posting.

These actions lower the risk that CDing will cause you to start watching porn again (or, porn-like things...like pictures). If you find that you don't feel like CDing...don't do it. If you feel like you want to do it...go for it, but take the precautions.

Also, try diversion activities. I find myself watching porn when I'm bored. I feel like many people can relate. So, when you feel boredom hitting and you start craving porn, get up and do something else.

When you are masturbating, you might find yourself thinking back to scenes that you have seen in porn...but, that's okay. Acknowledge the thought and keep on fantasizing about whatever else pops into your mind. Don't get caught in a cycle of, "Oh GOD...I saw that in porn...I shouldn't be thinking about that!" The fact of the matter is that simply not watching porn is doing wonders to help your brain as it is...you are actually USING your brain for fantasy...something that porn actually prevents you from doing. You'll eventually find that the scenes you can come up with in your mind are much more intense than what you can find on the internet. Why? Because, science has also found that our brain is our primary sexual organ. USE IT!

The great thing is that once you start to begin to use your brain again actively as a sexual organ, sex is waaaaaaay better. Porn is basically fast food. It doesn't require much work...it's readily available...and, it's pretty filling. For most people, fast food is alright on the occasion...but, you are addicted...and, so there's really no way to move forward without cutting ties completely. At first, it will feel like you are losing so much...it will be hard...you'll start to think, "This really isn't that big of a deal...who am I hurting?" But, you know that answer to that question. And, I promise you that quitting your addiction and beginning to utilize the great things that your mind can come up with...and, really ENJOYING physically and emotionally your flesh and someone else's is way more gratifying in the end in comparison to porn. I absolutely insist on great sex...and, I have great sex. I spend a lot of time telling other people how to have great sex...and, I swear to you porn is not necessary to have great sex...it actually can kill it. One of the best things you can do though is dirty text your ideas to your partner. This is especially great if you find yourself wanting to seek porn. Instead of firing up the computer, use your brain...use your imagination...and, tell your partner what you want to do to him/her. What usually happens is that couples find themselves fantasizing and testing the waters with things that they always kind of wanted to try in bed, but were too afraid to talk about with their partners.

And, once you break the habit of posting pics of yourself CD and seeking porn...test the waters again...send a dirty pic to your SO...tell him/her what you're thinking about.

Lastly, know that you aren't alone. Many people here will fully support you...I'm one of those people. Do what is best for you. Be honest with yourself. Personally, it sounds to me like you have already tackled those two very huge steps (deciding what is best for yourself and being honest)...now, all you have to do is be kind to yourself by actually doing what you know is best.

[MysticLady]

I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?

Or is crossdressing just a result of my porn addiction?

Don't worry, you'll mature out of it.

The other way around, you're attaching porn to your crossdressing IMHO.

[ReineD]

Furthermore, I want to say that from experience, that you should be VERY selective of the people that you surround yourself with in your recovery. Many people that have answered you on this thread are probably facing similar addictions. Unfortunately, most addicts in denial do NOT want to see another addict recover...this is why you'll meet people that very clearly seem to have a problem, but they also will adamantly come up with every excuse in the book to shake you from your path to recovery.


And, I have to say if you truly believe CDing may cause a problem, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You know yourself best. Do not listen to people that would have you fail because they are battling their own problems.

Beautifully said Shan. I'm quoting you to emphasize because it's so important!


...but, AA is also religious-based...so, the "off-shoots" off AA often have religious components.

Shan, AA is not religious based. It does not push any religion down anyone's throat. But, it is a spiritual program. It's true that the term "God" is in several of the 12 steps, but by this they mean "a Power greater than ourselves" as is outlined in Step 2. Individuals are totally free to construct or use a Power of their understanding, whether it is a broomstick , the expanding universe, or the God of their religion if they are religious … just as long as they begin to see themselves as part of a whole. All kinds of people have used the 12-Steps to recover: Atheists, Agnostics, Hindus, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, etc. All are welcome.

Julia Roze, if there is a 12-Step group for porn addicts in your area, you might want to go to a few meetings and check it out. You'll meet people your age who have your same struggles and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you have support from people who understand.

[NicoleScott]

Julia Roze, be cautious about taking advice from people who don't crossdress for pleasure, don't have fetishes, or don't have porn addictions. Their source of authority is something they read somewhere sometime.

[Shananigans]

AA is not religious based. It does not push any religion down anyone's throat. But, it is a spiritual program. It's true that the term "God" is in several of the 12 steps, but by this they mean "a Power greater than ourselves" as is outlined in Step 2. Individuals are totally free to construct or use a Power of their understanding, whether it is a broomstick , the expanding universe, or the God of their religion if they are religious … just as long as they begin to see themselves as part of a whole. All kinds of people have used the 12-Steps to recover: Atheists, Agnostics, Hindus, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, etc. All are welcome.

Julia Roze, if there is a 12-Step group for porn addicts in your area, you might want to go to a few meetings and check it out. You'll meet people your age who have your same struggles and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you have support from people who understand.

Ah! I'm glad you cleared that up! On some nights AA and NA have people from the community show support, so a lot of us in psych health would pop up at the meetings. The meetings I attended were at a Christian Church, and there was a lot of talk of God....but, reflecting back on it, I don't actually remember them getting into the specifics of any particular religious ideology.

Either way, I'm openly Atheist and I still found the lessons (even those in relation to "God") to be valuable, relevant, and healing. This Church also had a sex addicts class...and, unfortunately, they had already met the quota of "support students" that could show up at that meeting. (If this sounds like the nursing students were doing the equivalent of the beginning of Fight Club with the whole "that's my support group, not yours'" sort of thing...then, you're spot on).

But, with that in mind, people from the community "pop into" those meetings to "show support" all of the time. There may be different rules for different classes, but this was how it went for the classes that I attended. Many people know someone that is struggling with these issues, so they will go to learn more. HOWEVER, this is a great way to go to a class just to check it out and without any commitment to see if it is right for you. Say you want to check out the Internet Porn Addict class (which, may or may not actually fall under the Sex Addicts class), but you don't want to really have to commit or share...you just want to watch. Then, you can always attend a class on the pretense that you are there to learn more so you can support a member of your family, for example. If you decide that it is for you, show back up when they next meet and come clean. They won't hold it against you, because it happens way more often than you would think.

[ReineD]

A lot of the meetings are held in church basements, because it's difficult to find regular, rent-free spaces for large groups of people. Around here, there are several meetings in churches but there is also a meeting at the local university, the local hospital, and the local rec center. You'll seldom see meetings in expensive places like hotels. They always have them on cruise ships though and sometimes, the more casual restaurants with back rooms will host meetings for free, hoping that the members will grab a bite to eat in the restaurant afterwards.

Twelve-step groups have gotten a lot of bad rap for being religious when the program is not about religion at all. If you do hear people talk about God in meetings, it is because they themselves believe in a God and this is what they use for strength. People in early recovery need every bit of help that will work for them. But Atheists can use the concept of being a part of the greater universe and call that "god" (or Higher Power, or Greater Good, etc), to the same effect.