Forced to purge.

[FionaO]

Exactly 10 weeks ago, I sympathised with a friend who was recently widowed and came home very drunk for the first time in 30 years of marriage. In the morning while I slept it off my wife (as a punishment I think) threw out all my female items which were openly in my closet. I lost my favourite dresses and lingerie, my best shoes and handbags, almost all my make-up and jewellery, all my expensive nightgowns, my breastforms and a few wigs. I had thought she was ok with my dressing but she now insists it is perverted and insists that I quit or leave. A week after this happened I was away for a few days and during that time she did a thorough search of the house and discarded any other items she found.
Here's the thing. I had anticipated the second purge and managed to hide a number of dresses and some lingerie in a very secret place that she has no access to. I deliberately left a few items in more obvious places for her to find. In total she chucked out around 30 dresses and commented that I had owned more than her.
My wife is now out of town for a few days and I have gone to my secret hiding place and purged a further 130 dresses including some wedding gowns and a load of lingerie and shoes. I haven't bought anything new during this time. All the items have gone to charity shops.
Thing number two: I am writing this post in my very private back garden. Anyone observing me (they can't though) would see a woman with long fair hair in a very pretty summer dress and red heels. I couldn't take it any longer and feel great. I still have around 60 dresses left in my secret place. (If you have been counting I had 220 dresses)
I now have to be very, very careful and will only dress when I have a few days on my own. In my heart I know the right thing would be to clear out everything but I'm not ready just yet. Throwing out 75% of my dresses today was pretty hard and I'm resolved to buying no more and possibly slowly purging a few more things.
I'd appreciate any observations.

[Sister Rachel]

You have( or had) a LOT of dresses!:notworthy::lol:

I can count mine on my fingers, and if my wife threw any of them out,(she wouldn't):love: it'd be divorce!

[Alice Torn]

That has got to be tough. No small loss of investment. I thought my 25 dresses was too much! I empathize with you. It swounds like her way or the highway.

[jackie_p]

Good luck to you if you try to quit altogether but I have purged several times
And never been able to quit completely, at least not for long. For both your
sake, I hope she reconsiders.

[Jessica Who]

Nothing more to say than I'm sorry that happened to you, stay strong :)

[Tracii G]

I hope everything settles down soon that has to be tough to go thru.

[mikiSJ]

That's BS that your wife threw out your clothes and also that you let her!

Since you wife is out of town, why not put your clothes back in their proper place and pull all of your wife's clothes off the hangers and put them somewhere. Don't throw them out like she did, just give her notice that your clothes are yours and hands off.

[Kandy Barr]

Hard to know what to say. Your wife must of been building a resentment about your cding for a long time and it finally came to the surface. I hope you can resolve things with her and find a happy compromise. We don't seem to have much luck in purging and never returning. Wish you the best, and you still have more dresses than I do!

[AlyssaS]

I would be so incredibly tempted to throw out all of her pants, shorts, and socks.

[Julie Gaum]

I like Miki's idea but doing that would only bring the pot to boil that much faster. You have been on this Forum long enough to know
that planning to purge everything and stop completely is a fantasy that will never happen at least not for long. Personally I know it to be a fact. Unless you earn a huge income you must agree that the size of your wardrobe was way too large and probably pissed your SO off even more. The cruz of the matter, with the little we know about your situation, is there is total lack of respect for each other and
can only guess, yes only guess that it's communication time. Extremes in buying and extremes in acting out your mutual disdain, including all these secret hiding places is great for kids but not for adults in a great marriage. Isn't it obvious that a conclusion to this mutual misery has to be addressed quickly? It can't go on --- you already know that!
Julie

[Kathy4ever]

I did that myself but felt I had lowered my behavior to her childish behavior. This happened about three years ago and this year we have gotten along about dressing a lot better. Last week she even gave me knee high heel boots that she bought that ended up too big for her. Tonight I gave her a black dress that ended up too tight in the breast area for me. Give a little and get a little seems fair to me. My only issue I have is she keeps using my razor to shave her legs. It does work better but I bought us lady razors, but she keeps using mine and leaves the evidence. I jokingly will say you left your evidence again. This a take on if I left one of fem items in view which has not been an issue. Next pay period I'm buying another razor that we can shave our legs with but it is that time of year to start epilating again.
That's BS that your wife threw out your clothes and also that you let her! .

Since you wife is out of town, why not put your clothes back in their proper place and pull all of your wife's clothes off the hangers and put them somewhere. Don't throw them out like she did, just give her notice that your clothes are yours and hands off.

[KellyJameson]

Someone on this forum should start a business selling all this stuff that is being purged and splitting the proceeds

I would think it must run in the millions of dollars.

It makes me sick thinking about all those beautiful dresses going to charity and I do not even own a single dress.

You painted a very nice picture of yourself sitting in the garden dressed in a sundress.

If someone threw out my property without asking they would find themselves duct taped to the ceiling, sprayed with honey and than thousands of crazy ants from Texas released into the house.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Fiona,

There is more going on here then your dressing, Spouses don't just up and start throwing things out, Mayby your 'collection ' has gotten a bit out of hand ? Are there other thigs you two need to be talking about ? The drinking seems to be a catalyst for other things the two of you need to talk about.

Kelly

[Christina Horton]

Ok. I've never been married so take this with a grain of salt. I would sit her down and tell her if you were to purge 100% you'd start up later. Then I would tell her if she ever throws out my stuff again I kick her out. That's a line I would not cross with her stuff so why does she get special permission to do that to me. Sorry but that's my single , never been in love take on it. If you did that you might find your without a wife etc... But that's me 2 cents.

Good luck.

[Rachel Murphy]

That's BS that your wife threw out your clothes and also that you let her!

Since you wife is out of town, why not put your clothes back in their proper place and pull all of your wife's clothes off the hangers and put them somewhere. Don't throw them out like she did, just give her notice that your clothes are yours and hands off.

This. Only I wouldn't just hide her clothes, they would be gone!

[bomba]

my wife goes up and down like that.sooo i try to keep my whole crossdressing life private from her.she knows i do it and she treats me like shit because of it.wish i would have keep it totally secrete. i think i could have. but i let myself be caUGHT IN LITTLE WAYS HOPING FOR EXCEPTANCE.it was a big mistake

[mikiSJ]

I did that myself but felt I had lowered my behavior to her childish behavior.

I agree that my suggestion would be promoting childish behavior, but it appears we are dealing with two kids to begin with.


Only I wouldn't just hide her clothes, they would be gone!

Now, now!!

[CarlaWestin]

I would demand that she never wear pants, again!
Actually, I would wish her well with her new freedom as a single, financially independent woman.

[Brooklyn]

Stop purging and sit down like adults to discuss things, one issue at a time. And don't come home drunk anymore!

[Davena Doll]

All I can say is WOW! .........I only have 9 mini skirts.

[Christinedreamer]

I would consider the very real probability that your being so drunk is what made her so angry and in her mind, to teach you a lesson, she hurt you in a way that showed YOU how much she felt betrayed by your being drunk. Her tossing of your wardrobe may basically have had nothing to do with a change in her acceptance of your CDing.

[Beverley Sims]

It is sad that you have suffered a reversal by your wife.
I would not purge any further as it is probably futile.
Just store it all till times change.

[Lynn Marie]

Might I suggest that you avoid fighting fire with fire. The preferred method of putting out a fire is to cool it down with water. It's absolutely time to have some heart to heart communication with your spouse.

[Rianna Humble]

There definitely seems to be more here than meets the eye. You start by saying that your wife's action was a punishment for being drunk but then admit that you had seen signs of it coming and instead of addressing the underlying issue you chose to hide maybe 80% of your clothes.

To me, it seems that your wife saw that many clothes disappear and decided to join in what she thought (wrongly) was you purging.

The childish calls for you to be a macho man and retaliate are so much rubbish that they don't even deserve consideration.

I'm not sure what you expect to achieve by purging the rest of your stuff out of resentment for your wife's actions - it won't punish her and it will do absolutely nothing to cure whatever problems you two are having as a couple. Indeed, I would expect your resentment to spill out and make matters worse.

[mary something]

exactly what Rianna said with the following addition. Next time you want to purge that much stuff just put in a box, tape it up, and mail it to me ;) I'll even pay the shipping and give half of it back to you later when you want it back.

[Beth Wilde]

The thing is, there are so many ways to go from here but it depends what YOU want! The options range from prosecuting her for theft all the way through to agreeing with her and purging everything else...... But my big question is why? Why did she steal (yes, she did steal them) your things? Why did she bin them? Why do you agree and even help her in her crime (hint). Were you acting illegally? Were you harrassing anyone or causing issues for anyone? Why does she feel this is acceptable behaviour? The value of your items is very jail-worthy......

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Kelly Dewinter, Lynn Marie and others that there is something more than cross dressing happening in your relationship with your wife. I will agree your wardrobe was rather extensive for anyone, GG or cross dresser. You need to get to the bottom of the hostility your wife displayed. She may have legitimate gripes. However, she should not have tossed out your stuff.

[Jenniferathome]

....I had anticipated the second purge and managed to hide a number of dresses and some lingerie in a very secret place that she has no access to. I deliberately left a few items in more obvious places for her to find. ...

You "anticipated" this coming? That means you two were fighting or worse, not communicating at all. Your reaction to seeing this coming was to then leave a few things planted so as to trick your wife? This brief description says a lot about the instability of your relationship. Mature couples don't play games like this. There is something much deeper rooted that needs attention.

[CONSUELO]

Given that you had such a very large collection of female clothing, do you think that there might be a money issue bubbling beneath the surface as well? I know that my SO is always concerned that I seem to be spending a lot of money on my feminine wardrobe, and I have to just about go through the invoices to prove that it is not as big as it looks. Nevertheless, the loss of so much must have been a great upset. For me my feminine wardrobe is a part of who I am and to just lose it would mean much more than the loss of clothing. As for purging, we all know that it is a temporary thing and solves nothing. I have done it several times and greatly regret it because my longing to be what I am did not change at all.

[FionaO]

I think I need to explain being able to anticipate the second purge. Initially my wife through out items that were openly in my closet. However she knew that I had more items in boxes under beds etc. that were out of sight rather than hidden. I was going away a few days later and I was pretty sure she would purge these as well, which is why I moved them. Yes I have a lot of clothes but many items were 25 years old and I only buy bargains. The large number of items I purged myself had not been worn for many years. My closet is actually now a lot more manageable.

[Laura912]

You closet may be more manageable but is your marriage?

[Alison1842]

I gotta agree with the other posters, you need to explain to the wife, that she's as replaceable as the dresses.

Relationships are a 2 way process, both parties are free to leave at any point they wish. Soon as it starts getting messier than that its only going to end one way, just a case of when.

[Barbara Ella]

It comes down to what you want, and what your wife wants. Evidently, her wants/needs have changed a little recently. I would hope by now that she really knows what your dressing means to you, and is educated on crossdressing in general. As mentioned, it reallly is about communication, and I get the distinct feeling you two have not been communicating on this, you have been observing her hints, but never addressing them. Be an adult. Sit down and discuss what lead her to this drastic action, and what it meant to you. Stop your purging, discuss this, get to the bottom, and only then make your decision on what you need most in your life.

Barbara

[Violetgray]

I'll echo what so many others have said, before anything you need to sit down with her and determine where each of you stand. It's hard to think rationally though, because I, like so many others on this thread am so angry for you. I've never been married so tell me, does marriage mean that you no longer have to respect each other's property, and that status of said property is subject to the whims of the other person? If she had a problem, she should have asked YOU to purge it. At least then you could have had a conversation on why, and negotiate boundaries.

[Katrina Black]

Next time send them them to the " Charity for Katrina Black dress collection"

[Chickhe]

I would call her bluff. Only she has to leave if she doesn't like it. ...and it has nothing to do with Cding. Its about having respect for who you are. You have to tell her how hurt you are. Not an option to hide...but also, isn't 130 dresses a bit much...maybe she just needs some room for her shoes...

[Lady Panda]

Maybe your wife was upset with the amount of clothing you have ...I know that wedding dresses are very expensive ..maybe some of her concern was the amount of money you were spending and she felt that you should have spent some of that on her???? just maybe ...Have you been in PINK fog mode for a while ???:pinktornado: If you have been maybe she is fed up w playing second fiddle????

what ever is going on she should NOT have not thrown your stufff away .....you need to sit down and have a rational discussion on what is really going on and talk about where to go ...what you can both live with.

good luck

[KateSpade83]

That must have hurt and maybe you got rid of $20,000 worth of stuff. Right now, I could never purge my dream collection of probably $50,000 worth of stuff. I don't have a wife to get rid of my clothes, but when I post an ad for women I mention my crossdressing, that I can't quit, and that I'd love to dress up a pretty woman my clothes size [6]. And I had a few bites of women responding to my ad. I'll only marry a woman who can 100% accept my crossdressing.

[celeste26]

As so many here have said multiple times communicate, with her, find out the truth instead of guessing why it is she did what she did. Dont accept any angry answers as "final" either since people say things to hurt instead of the truth. It also seems that you still have quite enough even after this purge to keep you in femme things so it is not like it is all gone. So keep it all in perspective. But communicate, communicate and communicate just might make things better for both of you.

[kristinacd55]

My observation is that it's a shame that you can't live like you want to, although your wardrobe was on the over the top side! I wish you lot's of luck with your wife and your situation.

[Stephanie47]

Yes I have a lot of clothes but many items were 25 years old and I only buy bargains. The large number of items I purged myself had not been worn for many years. My closet is actually now a lot more manageable.

Fiona, it's one thing to suggest that one thin the herd a little. It's another to shoot everything. My wife routinely donates her clothing, and, I my man clothes. I've never donated any of my feminine garb, and, I know I lost interest in some of them. Do I do it? No. Should I? Yes. Should my wife toss them? No.

You still need to talk about the reasons for her hostility. My wife is not accepting of my cross dressing, but, she is not hostile.

[VickysBFF]

Hello Fiona: Two things... 1.) You don't say it in your post but are you an alcoholic/in AA or another recovery program? If you have not gotten drunk during your 30 years of marriage and it occurred once because of your friend's situation it seems outrageous to destroy your property over that one incident. Even if you have been sober and fell off the wagon it is not an excuse to take your things and throw them away. 2.) NO ONE has any right to take and destroy your things. if you have too many things then you negotiate what you need to get rid of or create more storage space. I agree with the other posters who have mentioned this. it has nothing to do with CDing; it is all about respecting others' property.
Best of luck to you. I hope that you can work things out.

[SabrinaEmily]

Quit or leave? Leave. Your wife throwing out your belongings for any reason is abuser behavior. Doing it multiple times out of vengefulness is a pattern of abuse.

But then I haven't been married to someone for 30 years and I don't know much of anything about your situation. But this is abuser behavior, and if you stay you had better have some very good overriding reason. Children could be one, if you have any. I can't think of another, but there might be a few.

I'll say it again. This is abuse, plain and simple. Either you need to get to the point where you and your wife can respect each other and treat each other like adults, or you need to leave. Have no illusions about what's going on here.

[PaulaQ]

I'm sorry if I missed this in the thread, but I had some questions for FionaO:
1. What made you think your wife thought your CD was OK? It would seem that "really not OK" was more how she felt...
2. If she was initially OK with it, what changed her from "OK" to "really not OK"? This one incident, even if she has a bad temper, seems a little extreme unless there is something else going on, under the surface.
3. Is it possible that your wife has been "totally not OK with this since day one", and waited until she could stand this no longer, and purged you?
4. Is it possible she's punishing you in this way for something you've done - something more than one night of drunkeness?

[Antoinette]

220 dresses!? Are you a hoarder? That's insane. Anyways she had no right to toss them away. I'm not married and I'm single (sadly I had to cut her off since she lost respect for me) so I can't do much for advice. But I'll say this, no relationship should be one sided. Either work together somehow (compromise) or cut her loose (easier said than done, I know)

[Michelle (Oz)]

Working out the math ... 220 dresses plus skirts? shorts? slacks? That's a huge investment. If you dressed daily that should see you through a year without needing to launder.

Seems like the issues are two sided but, hey, I'm just jealous of your wardrobe.

[PaulaQ]

I am wondering if the volume of garments you possessed might have bothered your wife?

Also, any chance you could snap a pic of your now more manageable closet - I am genuinely curious about it.

[Jean 103]

First I do not believe she is ok with your CD life. She is more than likely feeling betrayed. It comes down to trust. Where you go from here? I would say you might have a chance as you were in the open. good luck, I feel for you.

[danielletorresani]

This is no way to live life, my friend.

Something's gotta give.

Either you (excuse the expression) MAN UP and talk to her and find a middle ground, or you get out of the marriage.

No kingdom divided against itself can stand. As a marriage, you guys are that kingdom. If you're constantly working against one another, you have ZERO HOPES for ever having a healthy marriage.

And really, if the marriage has no hope of ever being healthy...then what's the point?

[Jessica86]

Riding this roller coaster right now myself. I hope you stay with it. Never quit on yourself.

[FionaO]

OK, First off, I am not an alcoholic and never have been. I only drink socially on average one night at weekend. My wife is extremely religious and after being acceptable with my crossdressing now sees it as a sin. She often goes on weekend religious seminars and I think some preacher may have got to her. The large size of my wardrobe was never an issue with her as she was never aware of how extensive it was and since 80% of it will soon be displayed in various local charity shops, she never will be.
I love my wife, we have been together over 30 years and have adult children and grandchildren. Leaving would never be easy or desirable. At the moment I'm just going to let things lie. Keep the rest of my wardrobe very secret but neither add or subtract from it. The CDing is a major issue but the rest of my marriage is actually very good and I'm trying to figure out how to keep it that way.

[PaulaQ]

OK, the religious angle explains a lot Fiona. If she's had a sudden change in convictions spiritually, right or wrong, that can absolutely precipitate action on a person's part, for better or for the worse.

I'm sorry about your garments. I hope the two of you find a way to work through this. As "sins" go, getting het up over this, as opposed to, say, "adultery", well, crossdressing just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. But my goodness society doesn't seem to see it that way! (My wife certainly didn't see it that way initially!) Only advice I can give you is to tell your wife how much you need this part of yourself, and try to find a couple's counselor who understands gender issues. (Not saying you have one - but you need someone who understands how small of a deal, in the grand scheme of things, that being a CD is!)