Another marriage bites the dust

[Darla]

Hi girls

Well it looks final.
I'm getting separated. And the cause is crossdressing. It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.

She just can't accept any part of this part of me. And i really haven't presented it in the best light a lot. There have been multiple finds of my clothes, each time chipping away at her trust.

I have to speak up here and say that I really can't believe that she couldn't accept a little part of me here. I've been a pretty great husband all around, and a lot of tech frustration and anger over the past have been my suppressing this part of me, and her complete and total unacceptance of this. I'm kind of amazed that our marriage is ending because of this, which althought there's loss of trust around crossdressing and my inability to completely cut it out of my life, is not that bad in my eyes.

I've been to more than a few therapists and they confirmed that its really not something that you can get rid of, yet my wife wants me to quit it.

We have two kids and my heart breaks when I see any of their toys lying around. I'll no longer be their father in the same way. They both are young and I'm really afraid how this will end up. I miss them so badly already.

This really sucks. Had I been an alcoholic or drug addict this would have at least sent me off to rehab clinic, but to be a crossdresser, heaven forbid.

I haven't slept all night. Most likely wont be able to. This was the only place where I feel like I can post this and know it'll fall on ears that have gone through the same thing.

Anyway, another example of how denying who you are and trying to "fix" yourself as a way to fit in just will not work. I didn't know who I was before I started this marriage. I'm closer now and it's going to cost me everything.

Love to you all,
Darla

[Sami]

Oh my Darla I am so sorry that your partner is so unaccepting I have yet to test the waters there with mine. I don't really know what to say to you honey but you have to remember that it will all heal and get better and I think in the long run you will find your self in a better place stay strong x

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi Darla, I'm really sorry to hear your news, you have my utmost sympathy and understanding. I can fully empathise with you as I went through the same thing a number of years ago. It's really hard to understand how just one aspect of what makes you, you, leads to the whole thing unravelling. All I can say is stay strong, know that you're a good person and don't make any rash decisions whilst things are so raw. It's a real old saying but 'time is a great healer' and one day things will be better.
Thinking of you,
Amanda x

[GaleWarning]

This is infinitely sad.

[TeresaCD]

Sorry to hear that, Darla. It would be my worst nightmare :sad:
You will always be your kid's dad, like you say though, it will be different is all

[jillleanne]

I feel your pain hon. It is never easy and words never seem to help, but know inside you, you must ultimately be who you are and it takes a better person to accept it than reject it. Things will get better for you in time and the kids will accept you for who you are. They are alot stronger and accepting of people more than todays' adults. Stay strong and focused as you can. Life will get better.

[Erica Marie]

Im sorry Darla to hear of your misfortune. If it helps any I was in the same situation over 14 yrs ago. My ex threatend to keep the kids from me if anyone found out about my dressing. Well as things go, me and the kids have an excellent relationship. I never let them find out and yet I was able to be myself. As the years went on my ex forgot and moved on also and now we are actually very good friends. Sometimes it is other things that add to it and something needs to be the excuse. Your dressing may just be her "out". Please be strong and overtime things will work out.

[Rogina B]

Not sure why you didn't bring it all above board the first time you were caught.You really aren't telling much.If it is that important to you,I would have thought that you would have found a "therapist" that could work with you and your wife on this. So,now what? How is it supposed to all work financially? You will be in panties living in a refrigerator box on the course you are headed on. Some of us know there is more to your story than you are telling us.

[Lynn Marie]

Trust me, although things look pretty bleak right now, it will get better, a lot better. Be sure to take at least a year off from another relationship just to get comfortable with yourself. After years of skulking around, openness and honesty will feel absolutely wonderful.

[stephNE]

Darla, I'm so sorry for you. I promise you every day will get easier. Take care of your self and try your best to look ahead in a positive way.

[Di]

Very very sorry:hugs:
I wish you would have been able to been straight with her from the get go as you said
It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.
and maybe she could have realized that it is not something that you can just quit.
Could you find a therapist that can work with you both?
Best Wishes

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Darla, It's always so sad to hear a story like that but you have thousands of friends here for you.

[sarahcrossed]

Darla,
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. My ex-wife left me for the same reason. It was very hard. I couldn't sleep or eat for a month. In fact she limited my visitation with my son at first. It was such a battle just to get her to agree to unsupervised visits. Sometimes i still get mad about it. But in retrospect i've come to be glad that i'm not with her any more. I do miss my son and want to be with him, but i realize she never really loved me. My ex-wife knew before the wedding, its a long story.

I was actually sent to a "rehab" clinic, which was more of a live in counseling center ran by religious crazy people trying to "pray the gay" out. but little did they know. 1 i wasnt gay. and 2 you can't just pray this kind of thing away. well you cant really pray away being gay either.

If you need some one to talk to just send me a message. there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Amanda M]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Darla. It's easy to look back of course and say "I should have..." or "I should have been..."

The difference is that you were working from the information you had back then, not from the information and understanding you have now. Rogina, I hope you never have to go through what Darla is having to handle just now, but should such a thing happen, I hope you will be given a bit more understanding than you seem to be giving Darla.

Amanda.

[Tina B.]

Darla, I went thought the same thing 45 years ago, My two kids where just babies, it took me a few years to get over it and get back in the swing of life, but once I did, I met so many great people, met a women that when I did get up the nerve to tell her about me, accepted it right off, and I've had a very happy live every since, Oh, and I have a great relationship with both my kids, better that there mother as it turns out, all though I missed a lot during there childhood I would loved to have been apart of, living a miserable existence does no one any good, not you or them. Make a good life for yourself, and try to maintain as close a relationship with the kids as you can, and remember, having a good live and being happy is the best way to get even for being dumped.

[Darla]

Hi everyone - thanks so much for the outpouring of support. Between the messages that shared similar stories to the advice I know to be true but that's hard to see the forest for the trees, my deepest thanks. This stuff is complicated, which is why my spouse seems to have such a hard time as well.

And to those who's advice was to have been more transparent, I agree. But sometimes you evolve and just don't know yourself well enough, and frankly, hope against nature that its more important to be who you think you want to be rather than be a bit more courageous and really dig deep to find out who you are.

That's said my question a decade ago was "really what normal person would accept me this way?" And I feel like I'm finally getting to the answer "I would". If I can't no one will. I've seen enough in this lifetime that my condition is neither deviant nor weird.


Thank again everyone. Hugs to all. Updates to come.

Darla

[melanie206]

If it's really over and you have yet to see an attorney, do this quickly to protect your "rights" regarding your kids. I am not an attorney but I could see how crossdressing could easily be characterized as a reason to limit your access.

[Stephanie Miller]

Sorry to hear this Darla.
Reading your post I couldn't help but notice you said "I" have been to many therapists. Did your wife happen to go too? IF not, maybe it may be possible to at least discuss the option of going TOGETHER with a therapist to openly discuss. Let the wife know that the intent is really not to repair a marriage (although that would be wonderful) but to at least know the proper way to go on with life, for the kids, with the proper support together since the kids are involved.
Just a thought.

[Beverley Sims]

Darla,
I an sorry to hear this as I say always try and work together on it.
So I always hope you may at least find a compromise.
You do not need to tear each other apart.
I hope you can find a solution with least hurt.

[Alice B]

I also wish to say how sorry I am for what is happening to you. There is nothing good about it for the moment. But, speaking from experience things will get better and in the long run (difficult to see at the moment) and you ail survive and be a happier person. Just hang in there.

[Claire Cook]

Darla,

This is so difficult and our hearts go out to you. Just now it may seem that everything is bleak, but let's all hope that things will work out, especially with the kids. Others have said how they have gone through similar experiences, I hope their stories can be some support for you.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Darla, First of all I'm very sorry for the situation you are in. I know it sucks. Your post also gave me a flashback but one with quick relief for myself that I'll explain. You see, you basically told my own story because so many facts were the same as your's. She even purged what I had. The main difference is that it happened to me 30 years ago when I was 30. I fully know the whirlwind of emotions, uncertainty, fears, and everything else. I felt lost and alone and cried a lot. In the end I sat with my therapist and now ex-wife. He asked her if she wanted to continue to work at our marriage. She said, "No, I want to start over." We had been married seven years with two girls, 2 and 4. Her thing was that she still loved me as a person, and wanted me to have access to our girls. She knew about me before we married and somewhat supported it but in time we had issues about it. Still, my heart was ripped out of me. And I never skipped any child support until the legal end of it.

There were many trying situations throughout our divorce process and many arguments. But when the divorce was final we both moved on. I dated, and almost every gal I could trust and dated knew about me and a couple of us remain friends. I didn't really CD for a year but later managed to have a nightgown, some panties, and pantyhose. I remember waking up one night feeling exhilirated wearing them. I was still in therapy and once asked my therapist if I'll ever find a woman that'll accept me the way I am. He said, "Yes you will." Wow! Did that feel good! And I did find her!

I met my wife of today about 25 years ago and she knew about the 2nd or 3rd date and was totally okay with it. She even bought me little surprises. Since she had a key to my apartment I came home one day and found a beautiful robe and a stack of new panties on my bed. Awesome! A lot went on from then until now and I'd bet she would stay with me even if I needed to fully transition. We'd probably move to another state though.

My 30-something daughters still love and accept me since those weekend stay-over visits when they were little. In the time with them I did all I could to experience their lives growing up with Dad involved. And we played a lot! I walked both of them down the aisle even with all the ex inlaws and outlaws present. I just held my head high even if anyone knew. My ex and I remain friends to a degree and often discuss our "family" even if it is what it is.

In retrospect, I'm happier than I ever thought possible. I'm glad my ex sent me packing. She's nothing like the angel I'm married to today. I recently learned from one daughter that the ex was not only drugging heavily at the end of our marriage but she also told them why we divorced. I was embarassed but assured by my girls that all was okay and they wanted me to be happy. One said to me that I made them happy under a tough set of circamstances. At that point I lost it and cried knowing I tried to do all that was right for them. They even seem to go beyond to show their love for me. I think it made them better persons.

Darla, I offer my story as words of encouragement. Yes, it's a dark day today and there will be ups and downs, but you WILL become a better person and a survivor. You can message me anytime if you wish to know more and lean on someone who has been there. I truly know you're hurting, but you will heal.

Cheryl Ann

[mary something]

Darla I just wanted to mention to you that it's important to see the reason for you relationship problems not so much about the dressing but about the hiding of a part of yourself from your wife. If she cannot accept that you have a need to express gender in this way then that is her problem, but if she associates your dressing with being decieved, lied to, and tricked then it will undoubtedly harm the relationship.
Do not blame yourself for being a crossdresser, most women are also but they have been blinded to the inequalities of men and women in this regard by society. My ex wife crossdressed all the time, she adored wearing my tshirts, I just didn't consider her a pervert for that habit of hers :)

I hope you are also getting support from a relationship specialist or forum. Although your crossdressing is an element of the problems you have faced it is the other issues that are really at play in my opinion.

Many times when women separate from a marriage they already have formed a relationship with another man and are moving out to have the freedom to explore it. Is this a possiblility in your case? Women do not think or act the same way as men in this regard and usually are much more cautious and less likely to be found out. Cell phone call records and text records might be worth looking at in this case. The reason I mention this is because if she is exploring a relationship with someone else it will be impossible for you to reconcile your relationship with her until the other person is out of the picture. If so do not confront her about this immediately!

"I didn't know who I was before I started this marriage" - few people do, that is only human. We live life and grow and become who we are now. Sometimes it is a growth apart from our loved ones and sometimes we grow together. I doubt she knew who she was before the marriage also. Do not blame yourself for this, everyone does this.

[Jodi]

So much for sympathy--I am more direct. Get yourself a lawyer now. You want the best barracuda that you can afford. Be ready to have her go at your throat and denounce you as lower than whale poop. It can get really ugly and you will need your lawyer to be defending you. without a good lawyer, you can be raped and pillaged of most all of your assets, and be denied visitation with your kids. Be ready for this. It will be the most stressful time of your life.

Be honest and direct with your lawyer about your crossdressing. It is not illegal and can not be used against you in a property settlement. Your lawyer must know about it. Lawyers don't like to be blindsided.

Good luck.

Jodi

[RADER]

Darla;
I had the same as you with my first Marriage. And she then went an told the world that I was a weirdo.
In the 9 + years, I tried to keep it on a low key, But it did not madder.
She would throw out some of my things, I would find them in the trash, and re-hide them.
Then she would find other clothes I had hidden, she would throw them out, then scream at me when
I got home from work.
We had 2 kids at the time, 4 and 2 years old.
It was tough to leave them, but I had to move on; And now I look back some 36 years ago, it was the
best thing that happened to me.
See much later, almost 15 years, I met a real good girl. She was OK with my dressing, and would get me things
from time to time. She Passed away last April, I don't think I could ever replace her.
I offer good Luck, and hope you also find the rite someone for your life.
Rader

[Stephanie47]

Sorry to read about your plight. Breakup of a family is always tough. However, sometimes it is for the best. There has been a constant ripple on this site of pointing out the perceived fault of "not coming clean" with a wife. I have stated in the past that I believe that is nothing more than an out for a woman who truly hates cross dressing. Why does she hate cross dressing is never the issue. It's always cloaked in the deceit issue. The truth of the matter is 99 99/100% of women would prefer that their husband was not a cross dresser. I can accept that. The issue becomes whether or not the wife wants or is able to break from the societal expectations for a marriage and 'manly' behavior.

So, why is Darla hiding the clothes? I've read some threads this week where the guy has hidden his stash in places the wife would never find. It is a common theme on this site. Hide the clothes from the wife. Hide the clothes from the parents. Hide the clothes from a roommate. Why hide the clothes? Because of the perceived reaction from society.

I can understand a person's reaction, if they have nothing more in common than a brief chat or get together once in a while. But, a wife with whom you have forged a life, raised children, built a family together. So, a man likes to dress up. That apparently is reason to toss him aside. The cross dressing, usually done in private, is the sole reason to dissolve the relationship? For some women that is reason enough. The scale of marriage cannot balance because she refuses to accept a 'kink' in the manly armor. Darla's wife can present herself as a woman sitting on a pity pot. I've seen it before in real life.

My wife once asked why I did not tell her of my interest in women's clothing when it progressed past bedroom play. Why? I asked her if she remembered a conversation she had with her cousin concerning the dissolution of an otherwise fine marriage because the wife found out the man was a cross dresser. Horrors! My wife agreed with her cousin that cross dressing was ground for divorce. So, am I suppose to interject with "Hey, I'm a cross dresser, too!" I'm one who does not believe in committing marital suicide.

So, Darla conceals his feminine garb. Would the outcome have changed if he said he wanted some closet space? I doubt it.

I'm in a DADT marriage with implied boundaries. My wife never said I should do this or that. In fact, she told me it was OK with her if I joined a support group. She just does not want anything to do with it. If there has been any strain on our marriage, it is not because I'm a cross dresser. It's because my wife cannot accept it.

I suspect the strain is Darla's marriage is caused by that TOTAL nonacceptance. I suspect Darla, like me,has not been militant and told his wife that he wants to wear a dress and heels in front of her.

If Darla and his wife cannot find a certified therapist in transgender issues to iron out the impasses, it is time to seek counsel of a good divorce attorney.

Am I going off focus or topic on this thread, Ms. Moderator? No, there are several postings on this thread raising the issue of deceit and concealment.

[Barbara Ella]

Darla, you have my sympathies for the situation. I think you have seen the responses, and understand the why, so that is information to use for your life going forward. I hope she still has love for you, even if she cannot accept who you are. It is often hard even for us to accept who we are...lol

Don't stop talking with your wife. Don't be antagonistic. For sure, as plans firm up and divorce is truly unavoidable, you must, must, must get that go for the throat lawyer at your back. They don't have to come across initially as being that destructive, but if your wife takes the low road, your lawyer needs to slash and burn in return.

If you are honest, and sincere, and positive about this, your children will always be there for you.

Stay positive about yourself. You are a good person, and your wife cannot take that away from you.

Barbara

[Nicole Erin]

when all is said and done, you will feel better. Yes at first it is hard, I remember how hard it was. You soon get to a point though that you realize your life once again belongs to you. No wife nagging or the other daily problems.

Divorce is like having a tooth pulled - Nerve racking and painful before and the moment is the worst but afterwards, it never causes problems again.

If you can somehow do your own divorce, things will go much better. My ex and I didn't have anything really to split except household junk so we did our own divorce. It was fairly easy and inexpensive. People fight over junk or money during a divorce and one has to question if it's really worth it financially and worth time spent.

[mary something]

I suspect the strain is Darla's marriage is caused by that TOTAL nonacceptance. I suspect Darla, like me,has not been militant and told his wife that he wants to wear a dress and heels in front of her.
.

I totally agree with that first sentence. It is a matter of TOTAL nonacceptance that is breaking the marriage. I just don't put all the blame on her wife because I don't feel that is fair, even though I agree with you that she probably is doing it for the sympathy and support she expects to receive, that is even why I asked about the possibility of an affair. The crossdresser card will give a woman a lot of goodwill for questionable behavior publicly. However we have to understand that even if Darla's wife makes an unethical choice to scapegoat her for this crossdressing isn't it still true that she probably felt a little tricked and lied too? That in no way excuses her behavior for how she reacts, just because she may feel wronged does not give her the right to hurt Darla for it.

I was one of those posters that said that yes it is about distrust and concealment. The main reason I said this is because I want her to know that if she can disclose this before any significant milestones occur in her next relationship a lot of this can be avoided. It isn't easy, nor is it fair to have to do so, but really it will make you much happier in the long run. When you said it was an issue of total nonacceptance I completely agree with you. Darla also needs to be accepting enough of herself to at least let her next partner know that she needs a DADT relationship and if that can't be respected then chances are it won't work out eventually.

I don't think Darla should feel ANY shame for crossdressing occasionally, it hurts no one. But she must not give her next partner an excuse to question the relationship or feel mislead.

The thing is there is a very good chance that the potential partner doesn't know the first thing about crossdressing, only that it isn't very accepted and that she is expected to publicly say that it is grounds for divorce or else maybe not fit in. It doesn't have to be a militant thing to mention it, you don't even have to make her see you while crossdressed. Couldn't you at least just feel her out a little about it in the beginning? Maybe even just ask her something like, you know my friends friend just found out her husband is a crossdresser and she's thinking about divorcing him. and then see what she says. If she thinks it's okay to divorce a crossdresser just ask her if that means that if you got married one day all you'd have to do to divorce her is to put on a pair of panties. If she says yes then just say "it's only clothes, and stay away from my jockeys" laugh it off, AND THEN BREAK UP WITH HER :)


I don't think Darla's wife is being very fair, or very nice to her at all. But isn't it important at least for Darla's future relationships to acknowledge that how she handled the issue probably helped to drive a wedge into the relationship just as much as her wife's intolerance and ignorance? Didn't it take both of these things for the problem to get this bad?

[Emjay]

Wow Darla, I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation.

You mention that you have been to therapists yourself, have you both been to see a counselor together or is it just too late for that? I know she has a hard time accepting the dressing but maybe if it came from someone else that this isn't just something that you can quit it would help?

If it's beyond the point of no return then yes, as others here have said obtain the services of a VERY good attorney. I know that when I went through my divorce had I not had the one I had things would have been a lot nastier than they were (and my divorce was incredibly nasty). Mine was not related to being CD/TG either, which could have opened up a whole different set of issues where my daughter was concerned. IDK that I would necessarily look for a pit bull but definitely look for one who won't take any cr*p and will look out for your best interests.

Above all, be there for your kids through this. I know you will and it goes without saying but the one thing that kept my sanity when I went through mine was my daughter and always always always being there for her. I always tried to leave whatever was going on between my ex and I apart from my relationship with her. I informed her what was going on but never bashed my ex to her nor did I allow anyone around me to do so either when she was present. My ex didn't see things the same way and felt that she could unload about me to my daughter as much as she wanted. Flash forward two years later: My daughter and I have always been and continue to be very close, she lives with me full time and cannot hardly stand to go to her mothers house, many times she skips moms weekend all together. It's sad really, I don't want her to have such a strained relationship with her mother, never have.... I try to encourage healing between the two of them because no matter what happened between her mother and I she is still "our" daughter and needs both of us.... I believe anyway. Maybe someday....

My heart really goes out to you. I know this is a terrible thing, I've been there though for different reasons, but it will pass. Hold your head high, take the high road whenever you can and be true to yourself. Hug your kids, tell them you love them as often as you can and always be there for them. You'll get through this.

~Autumn

[Darla]

Again - Wow you guys. A topic like this touches so many of us and there's a lot of common experience here. I guess that's why I posted. I so do wish I was lucky enough to be posting the "guess what my wife bought me" but we've never been able to get past go. Everyone, I mean everyone here has given me such good advice, I feel supported, vindicated and downright cared for. Thank you all so much.

And yes - we saw a couples councilor a few times and the ball was dropped in my court. "What do you want?" Was my wife's and the councilors gambit. Well really - it just felt like a landmine, as soon as I wanted anything it would explode. I wasn't supposed to want anything. I was supposed to turn it off. Well thank god I don't have to turn it off. Frankly I can't. I can just follow my heart, love my kids, forgive and live.

You all are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside ladies. Keep you all posted.

Love
Darla

[Jaylyn]

Darla I am so sorry, it doesn't look good, but I always say there's always a bright sunshine on the other side of what life throws at us. This is a small knot in a long string that we call life. I am praying that your wife can get her mind wrapped around this, please don't give up hope if you truly believe you want your family to accept who you are. Keep on trying to fix things. To me I would have another heart to heart with my wife. Usually when trouble starts it is from both sides. Marriage is full of gives and takes. Many gives or takes has to happen to have a successful marriage. My marriage has taken my wife thru so many highs and the low times that we made higher because we are a team and our number one goal was to raise four great, successful kids, that now have families of their own. Parents lead by example. There is always tough times but just use this as a test to make the marriage stronger. Keep the lines to the front of trouble open by being open with each other. Keep the supplies of love coming to front lines.

[docrobbysherry]

Stop reading sympathetic posts!

Look at every conceivable possibility!

Listen to Melanie!

You've made mistakes, that's water over the dam. Maybe over time you'll get back together? I thot that would happen with my marriage. It didn't. But rite off, I found the BEST DIVORCE LAWYER I COULD. To represent me if the S-- hit the fan. And, it did.:sad:

U need to be sure u have access to your children. Most states have laws that completely set the alimony, child support, and division of $$/property. But, NOT access to children! A spitefull spouse mite use your children to punish u for all her real and imagined damages!:eek:

FIND A TOP FLITE ATTORNEY NOW! If u reconcile, u may not need him/her. If u don't, u may regret NOT finding one the rest of your life!:doh:

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Well, since Darla and I have shared a very similar story, and we've shared a private message, Darla also has the options of sharing phone conversations with me. I fully know what she is going through, and while I cannot fully advise her, I can share my experiences, encouragement, and the promise of better things to come. Her story has deeply touched my heart. I've had others in the "dark ages" before the internet help me, and now it's my turn to give back!

Cheryl

[Rogina B]

Am I going off focus or topic on this thread, Ms. Moderator? No, there are several postings on this thread raising the issue of deceit and concealment.
I said early on in a post that there is more to this than Darla is telling us.And like Stephanie,I suggested they work through it with a proper therapist before blowing it all up. Life alone in a refrigerator box can get quite lonely..

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I would like to assure anyone that Darla and I have shared valid private messages. Our stories have very similar parallels. Please do no not discount what she is saying and force her to retreat into a shell while she could find the utmost support here! If her story was not true in some way then it would eventually fall apart. Why does anyone have any doubt?

Cheryl

[renaej7]

Darla, my heart goes out to you and your family. I pray for you and your family strength. I hope that you all will be able to work it out someway.

[IngeInCO]

I wish you the best in these trying times. Trust yourself! Only you know.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Darla

You used the words "fix" yourself. This almost always means you have been suppressing your actual gender identity and it is trying to get out.

If you have been trying to "fix" yourself since childhood than you may want to consider gender therapy. It is that impulse to make things "right" as the subconscious knows it to be.

You look for a solution in childhood to "fix" your body to match your gender. A obsession with movies or stories of men emulating women or a fascination with metamorphosis such as a caterpillar to a butterfly where there is dramatic change in external appearance could be an indicator of repressed gender identity. There are many other behaviors where the child tries to "fix" things.

Also many go the opposite direction and try to "fix" things by the extreme embrace of living among men such as in battle to "kill" the person inside them. It is not uncommon to swing wildly back and forth using both methods to "fix" things.

It is very common for marriages to fail for transsexuals because the marriage crashes into the repressed gender identity and your anxiety will intensify by being "trapped" because of the marriage so you than seek a solution.

Intimate relationships pose the risk of locking the person out of their gender and this can be intensely stressful.

Only you will be able to answer these questions.

Crossdressing can have very powerful undercurrents that drive the crossdressing and one of those undercurrents is the subconscious mind seeking resolution of gender dysphoria so the crossdressing works as a "trigger" bringing the gender dysphoria to the conscious surface and it also eases the dysphoria by creating the internalized image of self that has always been there.

Just as the child looks for a fix so to does the adult in the crossdressing but the adult unlike the child knows the difference between fantasy and reality so is helped and hurt by the experience of crossdressing.

The crossdressing will feel very frustrating because you use it to know yourself by the image you create but yet you do not want to know what it is telling you because the image will not represent the reality that you need which is living as you really know yourself to be so you experience a push-pull effect where you are attracted and repelled by your image because it does not align with your internalized image of self that you have always had and the need to make this image a physical reality.

You will feel better but worse because you experience the relief of a form of pressure in you that has always been there but the torment of it not being real.

[heatherdress]

Darla - All good advice given above. I am sorry for you, too. Focus on yourself. You will find a way to be a good father. Good luck.

[Michelle1969]

Hi Darla,

My wife and I went through a rough time ~6 months ago mostly for reasons other than crossdressing. As such, I think I have a pretty fair idea of what you're going through. And it's not pretty. You have my sincerest best wishes. Hang in there, and although it sounds like you already have a therapist, don't hesitate to talk to someone. I had to start taking anti-depressants; and I think if I hadn't, I shudder to think how deep the rabbit hole (of negative emotions) might have went.

Have you and your wife considered couples counselling? (apologies if you've mentioned it - I'm firing off this response right after reading your original post in this thread)