The girl inside

[Kate Simmons]

Just how long has the girl inside been with you? Or do you even have one? My girl life has been concurrent with my guy life since I have been self aware(probably around age 3). Even though more or less RAB (raised as a boy) I mentally felt all the stages a girl goes through in her life and wished to experience them myself. Oh I made mud pies, played with dolls and other girly games and was accepted by other little girls as a playmate but it started to change in puberty when they started to experience "woman things" and I didn't, then I felt excluded. I secretly desired my first date with a boy, first kiss and other feminine "rites of passage" but couldn't show it outwardly even though no one really pushed me into the "man's" role.

I finally realized I needed to get in touch with all of my feelings to feel complete, so in most of my adult life I utilized crossdressing as a vehicle to facilitate this. I figured if I look the part I can play the part the best I can without transitioning. By finally accepting all of my feelings and taking ownership of them I can now say I've evolved into a self assured, self directed person with a feminine touch and it's totally my choice how I express myself at any given time. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get much better than this.

I have always been both a guy and a girl but now they are harnessed under one authority. How long has the "girl" been with you?:)

[Sabrina133]

While I started dressing in middle school, I dont think i fully realized at the time that there was a girl side of me. That feeling didnt come until i was 22 and started serisously experimenting and perfecting my fem side.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

The girl side has been there from the beginning with the male side, always being the little sister pest to the male side that will never go away. Both male and female sides trying to co-exit under one authority forever fighting, b*tching, arguing with each other driving the central authority crazy:bonk: in process.

[NicoleScott]

My girl is outside, and it washes off.

[VictoriaPaul]

I don't know if I felt that I had one side or the other. I think what I felt was that everyone should play and socialize together equally.

My first best friend was my neighbor, which was a girl. I played with her almost every day between the ages of 3 and 5. I didn't see anything unusual about that. My first toys as a toddler were hotwheels, plush squirrel, and pseudo-legos, and a cabbage patch doll. I actually really wanted that doll when I saw it in a toy store window.

I was actually interested in both boy and girl games in kindergarten.

In elementary school I played soccer with the boys and volleyball or dodgeball with the girls. I actually remember in 5th grade when the girls in my class became interested in playing soccer with the boys, and this made me really happy.

I don't know if I'm bi-gender, two spirit, or agender.

[Beverley Sims]

Since forever and I have always lived in a parallel universe too.
One day guy one day girl.
"Guys and dolls" means a lot to me.

[Kate Simmons]

I know the feeling Bev. I always wanted to be both Tarzan and Jane, Superman and Lois, Adam Strange and Alanna, John Carter and Dejah Thoris but you get the idea.:)

[xdressed]

I only really became fully aware of 'her' about a year ago, but I think I've felt this way since I was at least 14 (7 years ago)

[jim1991]

I really began to realize my femmine side when i was like 12. Now ten years later i am finally embracing that and loving it. Now i am trying to perfect myself and tear down the traditionally gender barriers.

[Frédérique]

Just how long has the girl inside been with you? Or do you even have one? I have always been both a guy and a girl but now they are harnessed under one authority.

Just today I posted my 55th item in regards to this idea of having a “girl inside,” expressing my complete disbelief in such an idea. This is what I wrote:


Yes, I enjoy being male, and HE is also who I am on the inside, if you wish to see it that way. Of course, the male that I am has a lot of female in it, and they both reside at the core of my being in a loving embrace, until the day I shall cease to exist…

Having a girl inside you is a lovely idea, I suppose, but I feel that it’s just really a part of YOU that you’ve either ignored or never thought about. From an early age I came to realize that the genders, a boy and a girl, or a girl and a boy, live together in what some call the soul. This is an ancient fact that people have completely forgotten, only to make up imaginary beings living inside, as if the human psyche is a kind of medium-security prison. If you can somehow NOT see yourself as a vessel of restraint, you may free your “self” and end the forced confinement…

There’s nothing “inside” me that isn’t already apparent to all. Case closed… :hmph:

[CherylFlint]

The moment of conception.
It’s just me, ½ + ½ = 1 whole person.
Y’s and X’s in their very own, special alignment which makes up who, and what, I am.
Some accept it, some don’t.
Since I don’t have any choice in the matter, I accept it and just go along with it.
But I’ve learned one thing: you got to “pass” to make it work.
Just sitting at home looking into the mirror doesn’t cut it, at least that’s the way I feel about it.

[stacycoral]

The girl been with me since I was a seven grader in junior high, way back, I love being a girl if only just a few minutes a day, I agree with you, I would have love to been a young girl, but live didn't let me. hugs girl

[stephNE]

The girl made herself known before the age of five. Sometimes I was certainly a boy, but many time she took over and was attracted to girly things (mom's bras and panties). By age 14 I was fully dressing. Sometimes Steph takes a back seat, but I know she is always there.

[Promethea]

For me, inside is not the exact location.

I was raised with lots of male and female friends and cousins around, without very clear gender distinctions, so it wasn´t until the age where genders tend to separate more than I knew I wasn´t like the other boys. I still didn´t pay a lot of attention to that until much later, when I decided to start listening to myself and my needs more. I was 25 or 26 then.

[kimdl93]

Like you, I've been aware that I was different from my earliest consciousness. I didn't exactly know how, but whatever I was doing..I don't specifically recall, was noticed and labeled by my older brothers. I quickly learned to hide those attributes as best I could

[Barbara Maria]

While I didn't let her out until about a year ago,I think she's always been there.Even as a kid,with the exception of cars,I never had any interest in boy things.While the others were going out for sports,I went out for chorus and drama club.The other boys razzed me so bad that after a while I just didn't go out for anything.Over the years I've had several women tell me that they sensed a delicate,feminine side in me.I guess it was no use trying to fool them.I don't know exactly,but in retrospect,I think she's been there since day one.

[Cynthia Anne]

I have to say ''she'' has been with me since I was four! Though the years she has came out to trot herself many times! The last few years ''she'' has taken over and stays out! I think she has locked ''him'' in and threw away the key!!!

[DebbieL]

I've been "one of the girls" since I was about 2 years old. I was intersexed and didn't have testes that produced testosterone (the didn't come down until I was 11), so when the boys played rough I didn't fight back, which made me a target. When I played with girls, I felt safe, I belonged, I was happy. Even when I was forbidden to play with the girls at school because of an overprotective mother, I was still a girl on the inside.

My parents encouraged me to follow my feminine interests. I learned to cook when I was six, crochet and sew when I was 5 (made my own barbie clothes), and learned how to knit at 7. I was doing laundry and sorting and folding it, even ironing, before I was 8. I would even ASK to do those chores. I did have frogs, lizards, and snakes as pets, but that was mostly because I had asthma and was allergic to cats and many dogs. I tried cub scouts and got a bunch of merit badges, but hated it when I had to play on the den softball team. Even a new fielder's mitt didn't give me enthusiasm for the game.

In high school, I tailored my clothes so well to my 6 foot 140 lb body that most people were sure I was gay. They had been assuming since I was 12, and now they were sure (I did arrange dates for all the gay guys). I was gay, I was a Lesbian, but I didn't know how to meet lesbians. I did have several girl friends who loved that I just wanted to "fool around" rather than "getting serious". They even introduced me to other girls who would "share" me.

I went to college at an all girl school that needed a few boys for the theater and choir, and became one of the girls my freshman year (the even gave me a magazine of transvestites to show they accepted me). Sophomore year, I had a lesbian relationship with a girl who came to my room to "get in the mood" before going to some other guys room to get filled by someone with a big c**k. She'd tell me about it in the morning and we'd just enjoy sharing the experience, knowing that after dinner, we'd be together and do it all over again.

When my wife seemed to be accepting, I was pretty happy, and I loved taking care of the kids. On friday night I'd take the baby and say "My baby", and Leslie knew that I would take care of everything and she could do what she wanted, including sleep as long as she wanted, and we'd go shopping together. On Monday morning, she'd say "my baby" and I would have to let her be the mommy.

After our divorce, I regulary went out as Debbie and was soon introduced to a girl who was living with a guy who was in transition but had decided to abstain sexually. She was not only my lesbian lover, but she would bring other girls home to share. There were a few things she didn't like to do to girls that I loved to do, so we all had a great time.

The hardest struggle was when I tried to "Burn the Wardrobe" for almost 18 months. I really struggled. I had back pains, I started eating like a man, and gained over 100 lbs. Soon I was too fat to look good in girl mode, and gained another 60 lbs, eventually shooting from 160 to over 330 lbs on 9/11/2001. Diet, blood pressure, and heart troubles followed. When I was working at home, I started dressing up every day and lost over 80 lbs.

These days, when people who have seen Rex see Debbie for the first time, or vice versa, they ask "what should I call you?" and I now say "I'm always Debbie on the inside". The first time I walked into a meeting coming directly from work and was greeted by women shouting "Hi Debbie!" and giving me a hug, I felt wonderful, because I didn't have to hide there.

[Cheryl T]

I've been aware since the moment I first tried on my mom's panties and knew there was something missing. I was about 7 then but looking back I can see things that told that tale earlier, but I was too young to know what it meant.

[noeleena]

Hi.

A girl inside, no .a female with masculine features, manily facial who has grown into a woman. the difference is a intersexed woman. not a tack on its from conception what i would be,

To use ....the girl inside ....has allways been there & was shown just most never picked up on that. i never hid what i was though i did not express myself as i should have because of details that took place from born till age 10. so strange as it maybe i never saw a male or female with in myself or my body,

oh well.... part of being different, i surpose, one thing that does stand out though others may not have understood it was in my relastionships with people for girls i saw them as my sisters & tryed to treat them as such. i did in two case's ,& that worked well , as for boys quite different , yes i played with them yet was not really intune with them as i grow i did not relate with them like this is not where i belong i was an outsider, even later in life it was so hard till it became unbearable .

so the girl inside , is where she should be , an all out there with in the girls or womens world,

Sorry guys , it may sound like a put down its not meant that way. i struggled being around men apart from very few who were lovely neat guys to me , most others were i dont know just well your not like i am you dont think as i do. your games are out of my reach like . we are just .......so different. & i dont understand you. or can play your game,

I dont think the book of life says we all have to be the same so , well... life seems to say we are all different in our own ways.

...noeleena...

[Jennifer Kelly]

I became aware of a feminine side probably around puberty. I know it existed earlier because I remember having a baby doll when I was very little that I'm guessing I bugged my parents for or they wouldn't have gotten it for me. And I know it was mine because I was an only child at that point, my sister didn't come along until I was almost 8. I grew up around mostly women because my parents got divorced when I was four and my mom had no brothers, only sisters. So there was that influence. I would also play both "boy" and "girl" games at school. When I was 10 we moved in with my grandparents and my grandpa discouraged me from doing anything that wasn't stereotypically "manly". So I suppressed that side of myself because Grandpa was kind of a dick when you disagreed with him, especially if you were a kid. We moved out of my grandparents' place when I was 12 and it was about this time that I started noticing girls, and that said girls were developing breasts and they were very nice. :) I kind of wished I could have my own (I still wish that sometimes actually, lol).

The summer after that is when I started dressing. I was 14 and home from school while my mom was at work, so I finally indulged my curiosity and raided her closet and makeup drawer while she was gone. I was already a men's size 10 in shoes at this point and my mom was a women's 7.5 so I missed out on that part. That year I dressed as a girl for Halloween but my costume was horrible because I had no wig or shoes. I continued to dress through high school but didn't have a name for my feminine side back then. I didn't really think of her as a separate person (and still don't, we're two parts of the same person). When I was 20 I moved halfway across the country and thought I had outgrown dressing so I purged (I only had a couple of outfits and nothing super expensive so it wasn't a huge deal). Now was the time to be a responsible adult. And responsible adult males certainly did not dress up like girls unless it was Halloween or they were drag queens. There was also a bit of the "does wanting to dress like a girl make me gay?" thing going on which I now realize was silly as I'm not attracted to other guys and never have been. I suppressed my feminine side for many years, but she was never completely gone.

For some reason last year she reappeared in a big way. I tried to resist, but eventually I found myself looking at clothes and CD blogs and even this site (I lurked for months before registering). Finally I told myself that I was a grown ass man and if I wanted to dress like a girl sometimes that was OK. I ordered some clothes and pair of heels from Amazon and Jennifer was reborn nearly 20 years after she went into hiding. I'm lucky that I don't have a wife or gf to hide from, but I do have a roommate. Luckily we don't hang out in each other's rooms so my bottom dresser drawer and the dark reaches of my closet are sufficient for hiding my wardrobe. I want to buy more stuff but just got laid off from my job. So I wait for a couple of things I ordered off eBay to come in because that's the last new stuff I'll have for a while.

I'm starting to come to grips with letting my feminine side just be part of me but I doubt I'll ever tell my family about Jennifer. My dad's family is very religious and my mom's family is very tied to the heteronormative life script. I am straight and I don't want to actually be a girl, but even dressing like one is way out what they would accept. I have one cousin who might understand, but the key word here is "might". So now that I've embraced this side of me, I guess I've also made dating harder. I already don't ever want kids or to be with someone who has them. That makes things difficult enough. And now I have to find someone who's open-minded enough to be OK with me dressing on top of it (that's not something I would want to hide from my partner and I'd probably screw up and leave a bra or pair of panties out eventually and then she'd think I was cheating).

I'm trying to lose weight now so I can be Jennifer for Halloween for the first time since 1988. I'm still too much of a wuss to go out dressed any other day of the year.

It's a hell of a journey and I'm still nowhere close to the destination.

[bobbimo]

Good question Kate,
After I discovered Bobbi a few years ago, I can see that she was always there, but since I was a boy I wasnt supposed to do that, or play with that, etc.
I wonder now if we are entering the new age of enlightenment?
Bobbi

[Robbin_Sinclair]

I don't know if I felt that I had one side or the other. I think what I felt was that everyone should play and socialize together equally.

My first best friend was my neighbor, which was a girl. I played with her almost every day between the ages of 3 and 5. I didn't see anything unusual about that. My first toys as a toddler were hotwheels, plush squirrel, and pseudo-legos, and a cabbage patch doll. I actually really wanted that doll when I saw it in a toy store window.

I was actually interested in both boy and girl games in kindergarten.

In elementary school I played soccer with the boys and volleyball or dodgeball with the girls. I actually remember in 5th grade when the girls in my class became interested in playing soccer with the boys, and this made me really happy.

I don't know if I'm bi-gender, two spirit, or agender. Excluding the cabbage patch doll (or any dolls), this is pretty much my story. My coming out hasn't been until a half century later, when I found the time to explore these topics.

Q. Am I a girl inside? Yes, I am sure of it. I am Robbin. Q. Who is my male side? He may not be a he. Sometimes, I think of my male side as one strong woman (Rachel Sinclair) and Robbin as being the less sure sister, lover, etc.

Q. Have I ever fit in as a total male working hard to dismiss any hint of something else? I tried. Now looking at these old photos of me as a Cub Scout, with my mother, in a classroom, I wonder. Q. Has it worked? No.

That's why I'm here. I'm happy dressed. The longer the better. Make up, high heels, wigs are just accessories. Clothing is what it is about. Robbin like red and black. Her whole wardrobe is centered around soft red and hard black. Leather anyone?

[SarahVA]

My first memories of wanting to be a girl was about 6-7 when I tried on some of mom's clothes and thought I looked so pretty....had no clue about "gender" or "orientations" then...I liked playing the girl games (house, etc.) and wanted some dolls (so I got GI Joes, LOL). As a young teen had a close female friend who "dressed me up" and then I truly wanted to be a girl. But then as high school came I figured I was just "weird" and suppressed it all..had to be a boy afterall! College, marriage, kids...all guy, except there was always Sarah lurking inside, I know that now. She would emerge now and then only to be buried deep. Then the Internet gave a name to all this and the fact I maybe wasn't a weird "sissy"....now I know the feelings are much more than dressing up or pretending to be a girl...my identity is more female than male, yes there is a make part and I live a "male life" but I am definitely happier when thinking myself a woman.

[Sister Rachel]

From way back, early childhood, in fact before I had any real concept of what were 'boys' things and what were 'girls' things.For instance, I remember telling my dad that I wanted to have a tobacco tin so that I could line it with some quilted material and keep precious things in it. He didn't freak out about it but changed the subject, and I didn't get an empty tin, let alone any pretty fabric to line it with! At infant school (in what American sisters) would call " First Grade", I became quite upset because, as a boy, I was not allowed to play in the Wendy House, and I was most unhappy to learn the nursery rhyme and discover that I was, apparently, "Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails", when it was obviously MUCH preferable to be "Sugar and spice and all things nice". I played the boy's games quite enthusiastically, they were mainly about re-living the Second World War, tearing around the playground pretending to be Spitfire planes, or making da-da-da-da machine gun noises, but I used to watch the girls doing their wonderful, agile, rhythmic skipping-rope games with awe! I worked out a way turn my pyjama jacket into a skirt that I could wear secretly at night when I was seven or eight.

[Kate Simmons]

It was amazing what ingenious ideas we could come up with when we were younger Brenda. For instance who didn't use a towel for a head scarf and/or a skirt? I remember smearing ketchup on my lips and putting baby powder on my face to make it look lighter and pinching my cheeks to make them red. Some of us may have been rough and tumble boys but we were also delicate flowers. I miss those days of innocence.:)

[Eryn]

With the benefit of 20-20 hindsight I can see that the "girl inside" has always been with me, but for four decades I was ashamed of her, denied her existence, and pushed her into the deepest back corners of my mind.

[Jennifer Kelly]

Same here, Eryn. Except I only pushed her away for two decades.

[Clorissa]

Just came back from horseback riding in my long hair and womans stretch pants. Several girls walking by on the trail waved their hands saying "Have fun riding girls" to me and my wife on another horse. Felt so good inside.

Clorissa

[k lynn]

Since age 4 or 5 would go to the womens section of the store instead of the toy section just to look and feel thenat age 7 is when it alltook off now at age 49 I am comfortable just being me

[Raychel]

This side of me has been there since I was about 10.
Not really a girl inside, Just a boy that really prefers to wear women's clothes.

Just being me.

[Debutante]

I feel there is a "girl inside", or that I hide her in order to present my male side in the world. By doing so,
I create a bifurcated world. I want "her" out more and more, as a result. I feel I cannot do so, or
feel social humiliation, shame, etc.

[Zylia]

I'm still not sure if I have a girl inside or if I just have the urge to 'put on a girl suit' every now and then. If I ever had a girl inside, it's sitting in a jar on the shelf right now waiting until I get her out again so I don't have to carry her around all the time.
There's a real sense of accomplishment when I manage to look 'feminine' and fool other people, which may have become a thing on its own, but I'm fairly sure the deepest motivation for me to do this is purely a sexual one.

[DanielleT]

Getting in touch with your feminine side, that is to say accepting womanhood as a way of life is a huge step and should not be taken lightly. Crossdressing on the weekend is one thing, deciding to live your life as a woman is quite another. I accepted womanhood as my way of life a few years ago and I regret all the years I spent as the person that I wasn't. My birth sex did not represent the person that I am. Through this group, I found the courage and support to live my life the way I should.........as the woman I really am.

Don't waste one more day in denial, once you cross that bridge, while there are still many obstacles, you will be so much at peace with yourself!

[DonnaA]

I have been aware of the "girl" inside of me for as long as I can remember, since I was 3-5 years old or so.

As I've discussed in my other posts, some of my earliest memories are of my desire to crossdress (and/or be a girl).

It has been a part of me ever since I became "self-aware" (about 3-5 years old or so).

And I never chose to do it. That is why I feel it is genetic.

[Tanyagurl]

I know there is a girl inside me.....when I dress up as Tanya everything feels so right and natural....I never practiced any femenine movements but when I am her it is way to natural , like I'm finally relaxed and whole. I even walked in heels perfectly the first time I wore a pair.

[Leona]

The girl and boy in me were one individual for quite a few years. When my dad got sick (I was in the third grade when we bussed out to Ohio and he told us), the girl was one of the casualties. Not right away, of course, but right after he told us he was sick, he went to Wilfred Hall for a year and my bro and I lived in El Paso with our grandma. The first school we went to (the one in which I finished the third grade) was, ummmm, how do I say this? We were white boys and WE were the minority. We didn't notice this at the time, it wasn't until looking back on it with the 20/20 vision Eryn was talking about that we could see this. Hispanic, early '80s, the definition of macho, right? I couldn't go near the girls because for every girl, there were 5 boys waiting to kick my peckerwood butt for approaching her.

Well, the school was so bad (there was a story in the new paper about a kid getting stabbed by another kid at this school), we finished the school year and moved. So for the fourth grade, I was in a new school, and I was on top of the world. This school wasn't the monolithic Hispanic school the previous one had been, but white was still a minority. Hispanic was the plurality, but ethnicities and cultural backgrounds were extremely diverse, more so than I've seen ever since then. Everybody got along, everything was ok. I built a solid group of friends, and there were a few girls I would play with and we'd play girly games. I even talked by boy friends into playing girl games. The rest of the boys in our grade were soooo jealous of us because we got to play with the girls.... :)

My dad went into remission and came out of remission while we were in that house. The owners got a divorce, and as a result, the level of support we got from our landlords dropped. There was an incident with the water heater where my parents ended up calling someone out and charging it to the rent (after the deadbeat husband showed up and tried to blow us up), and when the AC went out and my dad was pukin' his guts out on chemo, that was the last straw. So we moved.

To another school like the first. And it was there that the girl inside got dropped off. Let's face it, at this point a lot of things disappeared, and it took me several decades to recover most of them. But this is a CD forum, so let's focus on the girl getting dropped off.

After that, she informed my feelings and had input into my life, and as I said in a different thread, I saw her from time to time. After finishing up the sixth grade at the third school (and last one in El Paso), my dad forced his oncologist to give him a work release (he'd been in remission for a year and a half to two years by then) and he found a job in southern New Mexico, and we moved there.

Of the things that got left on the wayside in the soul-flaying, the girl was the first to assert herself. At 12 I started nabbing my mom's stuff from the laundry (I had a system that kept me from being discovered, and the one hiding place she'd never look being between the mattress and box springs). At first it was off and on, since I was also discovering my sexuality (well, y'all know that started sooner, but this was when the hormones really kicked in). I saw the first hairs on my chin and got angry. I'd check out my back side (not butt, the entire back side) in the mirror and see a girl I found attractive, stuff like that. I'd meet my eyes in the mirror and throw a flirty smile at the girl I saw...

From 14-16, I'm gonna have to say I managed to dress in private in my room at least 2 or 3 nights a week. My parents had a strict bedtime where we'd go to bed, and they'd stay up and watch TV. Dad had suffered hearing damage (a combination of chemo and working in a shop most of his life), so the TV was always loud enough to hide whatever noises I made, and they really didn't care if we went to sleep before midnight, but there was a midnight check. Quite a few of those had me laying with my blankets over me, hiding my outfit (which was invariably ripped from my mom, and not only does she have bad taste in clothes, but they obviously didn't fit well). There were more than a few horror movie style scenes where she'd walk in and carefully stalk me, making sure I was asleep, and I'd lay perfectly still hoping she didn't pick up the blanket. A few minutes later I'd hear bed springs, so it didn't take many of them to tell me why she wanted to be sure I was asleep. This is also the time period when I found Leona written right there on my birth certificate. Didn't know what to do with the extraneous "rd" part of the name, though, largely because I couldn't drive.

At 16 I put the clothes down and dropped down to like once every four months or so, if that often. The hypermasculine nerd culture I was in really pushed that on me. I traded it for playing DnD with female characters, and computer games with female characters. That was quite satisfying.

At 18, I moved to Austin and stayed with my sister. That was when I nabbed one of her bras (she wears masculine clothes, and at that time she wore a lot of clothes bought in the men's department because they didn't have stuff that worked for her in the women's department), she noticed it immediately, and they searched the house. When it ultimately turned out to be in my room, I got several well-meaning lectures about how it's ok to be a "transvestite", and denied that was the reason the bra was there. As far as I know, she still doesn't know. Maybe I should call her some time, since the rest of my world knows.

I moved into my first apartment after that, and had the strongest urges ever. First taste of freedom, and no girl clothes anywhere. No way to express it! Well, that wasn't entirely true. I found ways to express it. I grew my hair out, played with styling it, had girls I worked with show me how to do different things, etc. Unfortunately, working in fast food, I was again in a hypermasculine environment, and the boys I worked with decided I needed to stop hanging my hand, walking like a girl, and talking like a girl, and they were relentless. I was not strong enough to resist.

I wish I had been.

The girl showed up on and off again over the years. My first wife, during our dating period, wanted to paint my fingernails, and I readily agreed (well, mostly, I readily wanted her to, but I didn't know how she really felt about it, so it was a Mexican standoff the first night, and the second night I asked her to do it, and she thought I'd asked her because she wanted to, it was weird). I dyed my hair blue and then purple when it was still socially unacceptable to do that.

The hardest part for me was when I entered the automotive industry. I guess I was around 23 when I did that. I loved working on cars, and I did so and felt quite girly doing so. It seemed to be a weird contradiction, until I learned much later that the skills that made me a talented mechanic at 23 were, in many cases, traits associated with a biologically female brain. Anyway, surprisingly enough the hypermasculinity wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but I had to give up my hair. So it was a rough few years, and this would be the time when I saw the girl in the mirror even with a buzz cut. I started underdressing with panties, and at one place where I worked, we all changed into our uniforms together. So the panties were there. The first couple of days there, I slipped into the bathroom to change alone. After that, I just did it, right there. The panties had a lace garter belt, they were really cute, and really comfortable. The otherwise homophobic environment quickly supported me, because, well... One of the things that had been left aside when my dad was sick was a natural ability to lead. A certain natural charisma, but I don't see myself as charismatic. I'm kind of a dick. But once I had strong followers, they accepted anything about me. I even had a coworker admit to having gone "gay bashing" in a literal sense and apologizing to me for it, and when I pointed out I wasn't gay, he said he still felt I was a good person to apologize to because I didn't approve. But we ended up with the opposite of what you'd expect. Instead of ME being bullied for my underwear choice, the other employees who had trouble with it were bullied to accept it or they got run off. Several coworkers even suggested we go dress shopping for me, and their wives/girlfriends were willing to go along.

A weird example where I was fully accepted by others, but not myself, and all in a hypermasculine environment.

Anyway, the ex-wife not only had problems with the idea I might crossdress (an accusation that, for her, fits the broken clock test, you know "even a stopped clock is right twice a day", because she accused me of everything under the sun), but actually ripped into me over it many times. I could only do it around her, but she never wanted to see it, stuff like that. And I hadn't even accepted it about myself! So I had this dress that we'd bought as a halloween costume (and the previously mentioned panties were part of it, and as gross as it sounds, I did wear them several days in a row each week)....

She and I separated at one point, and I found the dress. I started wearing it off and on at home, alone, and then one night I decided to shave everything and see what I'd look like as a girl. I got one leg shaved and realized I needed razor blades, so I threw on whatever was convenient, jumped on my motorcycle and rode to the grocery store. On the way back, I laid the bike down, resulting in road rash on my arms and scars on my legs that are still visible (the right leg more than the left). In the hospital, the nurse got curious and asked why I had only one shaved leg. So I explained that I was buying more razor blades when I crashed, and she got a really sad look. Then she asked why I was shaving my legs in the first place, and I, being all drugged up, told her about the dress. She said she wanted to see it, and offered to help me with my makeup.

Alas, I passed out and never got her number.

The ex-wife and I got back together a few months later and she made the dress disappear.

Fast forward to the divorce (you can take it as read that during the get-back-together phase that lasted 7 years, I found opportunities to dress), and I was hanging out with a GG friend of mine who also wanted to do some casual loving. While working up to that, one of the things she asked me was what sort of random facts could I tell her about myself. I told her I wanted to find a dress that looked good on me. She, being a psychologist, went pretty deep into the subject, and wound up being another person on the growing list of people who accepted that I was a CDer when I still didn't accept it.

Nothing came of it, other than me getting laid (and her too, obviously).

And during this period, the girl in me showed herself a lot more. I was a bicycle commuter (even more eco-friendly than the folks who drive electric cars :) ), and I was rapidly losing weight, and I hit a point where I finally saw a feminine figure in the mirror, and that was when I felt good about my body. It didn't matter how much free hanging skin was there, but that I saw a feminine figure in the mirror. And I flirted with myself in the mirror again, of course.

The current wife and I started dating and I was several clothing sizes smaller than she was. When we started cohabitating (after getting engaged), I tried on her clothes. She, like my sister, wears mostly masculine clothes, and since my policy had always been to raid the dirty laundry (since I couldn't make it dirty if it was already dirty), there weren't many opportunities.

Then the several nights' progression. She'd bought some sexy outfits over the many months we'd been together (it was over a year at this point), and she wore two of them two nights (one each night, with one being brand new). Then I wore one and we did our thing, and the next night I wore the other and we did our thing, and the next night...

I was sitting on the bed looking in the mirror, doing facebook stuff, and I saw the girl again. And I knew what it meant, and it all made sense. And that's when I told her about it.

So, if you've read down this far, I guess you could say the girl was always there, but until my dad was sick (third grade), she was active. She was passive from then until I told my wife she was there. She's been active since then, and I'm finally integrating her into my self-identity.

And she's still not totally accepting. It turns out that a lot of the acceptance she offers, she does it because she thinks she should, but doesn't want to see it. But to be honest, we're past the point where she gets much of a say, in part because when she had the say, she offered support instead of what she really felt, and in part because she stranded me in downtown Austin, dressed, and against my will, and that caused a huge change in my own views of myself. Moral of THAT story: If you GGs want to have a say, don't get your SO arrested while dressed, because you lose your say at that point.

It's been a bit of a long haul....

[GinaD]

The girl that would become "Gina" didn't show herself until I was ten. One day I was home alone and on a whim dressed in my mom's sexy clothes, wig, and make up. There staring back at me in the mirror was what I thought was a pretty girl. After that, I began dressing every chance I got. I had feminine features and a slim body type throughout my pre-adolescent and teen years and was similar in size to my mom and both of my sisters, so I had a great selection of clothes. I just dressed like the girls at school. In the summer, I could shave my body, which really completed the package, even allowing me to go to the beach in a bikini. I kept this up as much as I could, until I joined the military. Gina was on hold for seven years until I got out and got a real job. Then she returned. Marriage kept her under wraps until that ended, then she came out full throttle. I went several months as Gina full time, then for some nutso reason purged everything. Now, almost 40 years later, Gina is back when time allows.

[Dana L]

Oh yeah she's been there a long time, and she's tired of being cooped up. The woman I've come to know as Dana has been with me since about 7 or 8 years old. I thought it was a passing thing when I was younger but it wasn't. All my life I've been dressing and acting like a man. It's when I dress like and act like a woman I am who I really am.

[Brittany CD]

No girl inside, just like dressing in women's clothing and I love makeup and wigs

[TheMissus]

My girl is outside, and it washes off.


Lol, I just spotted this. My H would agree.

[Tina B.]

66 years ago, at age 6, at least the first time I remember, I not only used that towel Kate, I only bought red Popsicles from the ice cream man and would hold them against my lips until I got them red, then I would try not to lick it off.