Anne2345
06-06-2013, 08:08 PM
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted my ears pierced.
The ultra-paranoid, closet dwelling, transsexual-in-denial that I was, however, I thought pierced ears would be a complete, dead giveaway that I was unforgivably and undeniably different.
Had I pierced my ears, after all, it would have changed everything. Such a thing I could not hide. Such a thing would be visible to all. Such a thing would be noticed by all. And such a thing would seal my fate.
“Hey everybody, check out the tall freaky looking dude with the pierced ears,” I was afraid someone inevitably would yell out. “Dude must think she’s a chick! Let’s string her up, teach her some lessons, and show her there’s no place for circus-show abominations like her around these here parts!!”
Whether such a scenario would have actually come to pass, though, was irrelevant. Because in the end, the reality of the situation did not really matter. All that really mattered was that I believed such a thing would have happened, and that scared the absolute crap out of me.
So I caved in. I refused to take the risk.
Even worse, though, is that I believe I was actually incapable of taking the risk, as crazy and dumb as that may sound. I mean, what’s the big deal anyways, right? And what’s the risk? Only about one gazillion men and women have pierced ears. It ain’t no big deal. It ain’t no big deal at all. It just isn’t.
Yet, I could not do it. I did not have it in me. As much as I desperately wanted to pierce my ears, I knew – I just knew – that had I done so, it would have marked the beginning of the end for me.
Looking back on it, I recognize just how silly, ridiculous, and just plain stupid I was. The thing is, I was afraid. I was afraid of everyone and everything, and I was also afraid of myself.
Piercing my ears, as badly as I wanted to, was simply out of the question. It was something that was never, ever going to happen in my life. It just wasn't an option.
Fortunately, however, as I have discovered over the past couple of years, I have been wrong about a great deal many things. In fact, if anyone has been keeping score, I’m sure that I am getting my butt absolutely and thoroughly kicked in the game I have been playing against myself.
And like all those other things that I have been so completely wrong about, I was also wrong in thinking that I couldn’t get my ears pierced. I was wrong because last Friday I actually did it, and proved myself wrong. Last Friday, in fact, I walked into a Claire’s store in the mall, and a kind, sociable, friendly store associate pierced my ears, and it was awesome!!!
Now, like so many other people in this world, I too have my ears pierced! Being just one more person among the masses with pierced ears, though, I get that it’s no big deal. It’s common place, even.
But to me, as insignificant as this is, that I have finally done so, after all this time, I find it immensely meaningful. To be sure, I am actually quite pleased with myself and proud of my accomplishment, as small a thing as it may be.
Still, I gotta laugh at myself for being so foolish for so long, particularly given all the other things I have done to date.
Regardless, I'm all smiles now.
Isn't it funny, though, how some of the truly smallest things in life can mean so much?
The ultra-paranoid, closet dwelling, transsexual-in-denial that I was, however, I thought pierced ears would be a complete, dead giveaway that I was unforgivably and undeniably different.
Had I pierced my ears, after all, it would have changed everything. Such a thing I could not hide. Such a thing would be visible to all. Such a thing would be noticed by all. And such a thing would seal my fate.
“Hey everybody, check out the tall freaky looking dude with the pierced ears,” I was afraid someone inevitably would yell out. “Dude must think she’s a chick! Let’s string her up, teach her some lessons, and show her there’s no place for circus-show abominations like her around these here parts!!”
Whether such a scenario would have actually come to pass, though, was irrelevant. Because in the end, the reality of the situation did not really matter. All that really mattered was that I believed such a thing would have happened, and that scared the absolute crap out of me.
So I caved in. I refused to take the risk.
Even worse, though, is that I believe I was actually incapable of taking the risk, as crazy and dumb as that may sound. I mean, what’s the big deal anyways, right? And what’s the risk? Only about one gazillion men and women have pierced ears. It ain’t no big deal. It ain’t no big deal at all. It just isn’t.
Yet, I could not do it. I did not have it in me. As much as I desperately wanted to pierce my ears, I knew – I just knew – that had I done so, it would have marked the beginning of the end for me.
Looking back on it, I recognize just how silly, ridiculous, and just plain stupid I was. The thing is, I was afraid. I was afraid of everyone and everything, and I was also afraid of myself.
Piercing my ears, as badly as I wanted to, was simply out of the question. It was something that was never, ever going to happen in my life. It just wasn't an option.
Fortunately, however, as I have discovered over the past couple of years, I have been wrong about a great deal many things. In fact, if anyone has been keeping score, I’m sure that I am getting my butt absolutely and thoroughly kicked in the game I have been playing against myself.
And like all those other things that I have been so completely wrong about, I was also wrong in thinking that I couldn’t get my ears pierced. I was wrong because last Friday I actually did it, and proved myself wrong. Last Friday, in fact, I walked into a Claire’s store in the mall, and a kind, sociable, friendly store associate pierced my ears, and it was awesome!!!
Now, like so many other people in this world, I too have my ears pierced! Being just one more person among the masses with pierced ears, though, I get that it’s no big deal. It’s common place, even.
But to me, as insignificant as this is, that I have finally done so, after all this time, I find it immensely meaningful. To be sure, I am actually quite pleased with myself and proud of my accomplishment, as small a thing as it may be.
Still, I gotta laugh at myself for being so foolish for so long, particularly given all the other things I have done to date.
Regardless, I'm all smiles now.
Isn't it funny, though, how some of the truly smallest things in life can mean so much?