Dealing with Sales Associates

[Paula_56]

As transgendered people, many of us lead lives filled with guilt, fear and anxiety. One of the areas where this affects us greatly is shopping. Whether you are a closeted crossdresser or an experienced girl out and about on a regular basis, you can still harbor anxiety when looking for a new dress, lingerie or shoes. Even now, after going out on a regular basis in cites all over the U.S., I still sometimes get butterflies in my stomach when walking into a store.

Before you can even consider going out into the world, you will need clothes to wear. There are two ways to shop for clothes: either dressed as a woman (en femme) or as a man (in drab). I’d like to discuss shopping in drab especially for our emerging sisters who want to start building their own wardrobe.

So many girls are embarrassed or fearful about going into a store and buying women’s clothing. Let’s start with a rhetorical question, what you are doing? Answer: You’re buying women’s clothes for yourself. Now that may be atypical, but you certainly aren’t alone. Sales associates I’ve spoken with typically see two to three crossdressers a week. So what is it then that keeps you from asking for that LBD in a size 18?

I was fearful because I had not made peace with the fact that I was transgender. I felt that there was something wrong or bad about me. Deep down I was ashamed. By admitting it to a sale associate, I opened myself up for their disapproval of who I am.

Then it dawned on me. I am 52-years-old. I am hard-working and have a successful career. I am financially successful, I am a dedicated husband and father. I give back to my community and I am active in my church. I strive to be caring, kind, and thoughtful. I don’t drink or abuse drugs. I am honest and trustworthy.

This is a part of my personality that has caused me shame and anxiety for years. There are medical and biological reasons for this. It doesn’t make me an awful person, it means I’m different. I won’t feel bad about myself anymore.

Others have lost their power to judge me. I realized that being transgender is no different than being left-handed. One of the best ways to free yourself from these fears is to confront them head on by doing some shopping. Dress Barn, Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug are great places to start. These stores are TG-friendly and have been frequented by our community for years.

When you’re shopping in drab I recommend that you dress nicely. Wear clean, pressed clothes, be clean-shaven and smile. Don’t show up to try on dresses in dirty work clothes. If I am in drab, I like to wear an almost androgynous look, a black knit top and black or khaki pants. You want to depict a positive image. It helps if the likeness they see is a nice man verses, “This guy looks creepy.”

Young sales associates are familiar with transgender people. They are typically informed and probably have friends who are LGBT. They often are the most enthusiastic and even seem to embrace the diversion we present to them. Smile, be polite and don’t waste their time if you are not going to buy anything.

Remember you are not the first crossdresser in this store; they want your business and want to help you. If you’re worried about being recognized, find a store away from home. Some of the stores that actually have official transgender-friendly policies are MAC Cosmetics, Nordstrom’s, and Macy's. Fashion Bug, Lane Bryant, Dress Barn, and Payless are all known in our community for being helpful. That being said, the worst reaction I ever heard any crossdresser getting from a sales associate was indifference. For example: “You can check over there.”

Here’s an illustration of my most recent trip to a Lane Bryant in New England. I was in drab and had not shopped there before.

Sales Associate, “Hi Good Morning, Can I help you?”

Paula (Smile, I always smile!). “Hi I’m shopping for Capri pants and a top… they’re for me.”

Sales Associate, “Do you know your size?”

She didn’t even hesitate. It went great from there on. I bought a nice pair of white Capri pants and asked if I could try them on and also tried several tops, but didn’t like any of them. The sales associate asked me my name and told me hers and was excitedly throwing tops over the dressing room door for me to try on.

One of the most liberating moments in my life was for the first time uttering those words “they’re for me.” When the words came rolling off my tongue, the world stopped; I could hear the clock ticking and the hum of the air conditioning. I had visions of alarm bells going off and a SWAT team bursting out.

Instead I got a smile of approval from the sales associate and a 1000-pound burden of guilt was lifted off my shoulders. I had given myself permission to be transgender. It was an epiphany. The problem was in my head, once I got over this I was able to move forward with my evolution as a woman.

If you want to grow, the only way is to take that step. You have to make a decision to move forward in your journey. Don’t feel you need to do this; perhaps you are comfortable where you are now. I personally had reached a point in my life where the guilt and anxiety was suffocating me.

Presenting a convincing feminine image takes work, planning, discipline, and dedication. If you do nothing, nothing will change. You will be stuck in that cycle of guilt and regret. If you decide to take that step, you will find that your fears were unfounded. This was my experience and also dozens of other girls I have talked to. We all wonder, “What were we afraid of?”

After some time, you will have stores and sales associates that become your favorite. My girlfriends and I all look forward to visiting our own much loved sales associate or preferred cosmetic counter for the latest arrival. When you walk through the mall next time, take it all in, the beautiful dresses, the trendy outfits, the pretty shoes and the gleaming cosmetic counters. Then ask yourself "Who are they for?"

Now you know the answer: “They’re for me!”

[MsRenee]

I love your story Paula.
I remember the first dozen times I went out shopping and was so nervous that Id turn around and go back home thinking I was going to get sick.
Its such a big step in presenting your self to the world when your shopping that were afraid of being outted by the S/A. It took me a while to finally relax and enjoy the experience of walking around the ladies dept browsing, its fun to as your shopping to just peek around and see what everyones looking at and throw a smike here n there.
For me shopping en femme is the only way I prefer to shop ,being it allows me to be able to try the clothing on with all the appearance that I look like a lady.
When I did it in drab I looked kinda funny with out my forms or my hair in place. Put some kind of mental block on who I was trying to shop for.
I know that once the ladies get iver their fear of being spotted in the ladies dept and being cornered with the question" may I help you " once they get iver that I think they will be able to relax just a bit to realy enjoy their shopping freedom.
Renee

[kimdl93]

Great insights, Paula. There was a time not long ago when I shopped in male mode and my first experiences began as you described. Despite my fears, the world didn't come to an end, I was served courteously, even enthusiastically at time, and left feeling that its ok. Ultimately your post is about self acceptance, and beginning to find it by taking the risk of,putting yourself out there. The reward for that risk is the realization that you can be accepted for what you are by others.

[Chari]

Very good post Paula! IMO it is a "special rite of passage" to have been there and done that, fearing the worst, not to become an embarrassment to the SA or myself while shopping for female attire. In the beginning trying to find my size/style and using excuses "it's for my GF" seemed stupid as most SA's probably had dealt with "our gender type" before. All those early femme shopping moments seem so long ago, but we all have to make that choice to get to the next step as to what is comfortable for each of us. Thanx for sharing.

[Sabrina133]

Superb advice Paula. And i agree, it is a liberating rite of passage. I don't think you can ever be "free" until you've done it.

[Beverley Sims]

Like you I have found younger people to be more savvy.
They are more accepting and I think humane than some older ones that grew up in an entirely different environment.

[Robinkay]

Paula, thanks for the great thread this a subject that has brought me great stress in the past and still today, thanks for your insight.

[Sandra1746]

A good thread, most of the fears we have are inside our heads. I too worried about letting the sales people know I was buying for myself, but that was a LONG time ago. Now if I want to try on an item I just do it. Use common sense, if the store doesn't have a private change-area, ask first but I have never been refused. If you smile and are polite the attitude will likely be returned.

Live life,
Sandra1746

[Gerrijerry]

Paula. Thank you for a great thread. I also have been through the same thing. The results were the same.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Well said Paula. I also find younger females in general the more engaging. I mostly shop en femme - so much easier and more fun.

[I Am Paula]

Like you I have found younger people to be more savvy.
They are more accepting and I think humane than some older ones that grew up in an entirely different environment.

I deal with a lot of young people. Nowadays they ALL know somebody with gender issues. They are much more accepting than a few years ago.

[Leslie Langford]

Wow! - just Wow! - Paula...I couldn't have said it better myself.

You have managed to encapsulate word for word the very same realization that I have come to myself, and as you have said, it is an overwhelmingly liberating experience.

For me to go out in public as "Leslie" has now become as normal and stress-free as going to the corner store in drab for a loaf of bread or a quart of milk. The only thing that comes close to any feeling of stress about it nowadays is the adrenalin rush of anticipation of what lies ahead for the day as I put the finishing touches on my "Leslie" presentation.

In fact, I now find myself going out of my way to challenge myself by deliberately seeking out all-women events that I can attend (National Women's Shows, America's Next Top Model national tour, designer shoe outlet close-out events, "girly" plays like the Vagina Monologues etc.), and I have yet to get a negative reaction anywhere to my presence. Quite the opposite - I appear to blend in seamlessly, barely get a second look, and those that I do get seem more focused on the particular outfit and accessories that I might be wearing as opposed to who is underneath all those fine women's clothes. And rather than eying me suspiciously or steering a wide berth around me, women actually seem to gravitate towards me and begin to strike up conversations or try to make small talk when the occasion arises.

Like you, this type of reaction and level of acceptance has proven to be diametrically opposed to what I had conditioned myself all my life to expect before I finally screwed up the courage to go out en femme for the first time and test the waters myself. The revelation that ensued has been nothing short of amazing, and the only downside - if anything - of this almost universal acceptance has been the fact that going out en femme has now practically become addictive. But hey! - it is also a far more benign addiction than gambling, smoking, drinking or a love for junk food - and far less fattening or unhealthy to boot ;). And as for the SA's - you're bang-on there as well. They just love us for the most part, and on more than one occasion I have been treated in what can only be described as a "rock star" - like manner.

The additional benefit of this boost in self-confidence is that I am no longer intimidated by my wife's fears and anxieties that something terrible (and/or embarrassing) will happen to me as a result of my "Leslie" forays out into the big, bad world, and that by extension, she might undergo extreme humiliation should I ever be "outed" and this ever got back to her somehow. And in a pay-it-forward kind of way, she is also slowly coming to realize now that she might have been just a bit paranoid about all this in the past, and cracks are starting to appear in the DADT walls that she has built around my crossdressing activities.

Of course, much of the credit for our new-found liberation goes to the explosion of information about transgender and transsexual people in the media over the last several years and the generally enlightened and sympathetic treatment (and growing understanding) of our issues. Along with that comes the realization that beneath it all, we are just like everybody else and simply want to be participating and productive members of society in our own right despite our unique issues.

The result has been the enactment of laws in many jurisdictions protecting our rights of gender expression as an extension of existing laws to protect the expression of an individual's sexual orientation. Even more gratifying is the growing movement to recognize transgender behavior early on in young children for what it is, and to now provide understanding and support in their journey of self-discovery as opposed to the time-honored method of "beating the gay" out of them (so to speak). This was the norm when we were growing up and - as you so rightly put it - it has taken us the better part of our lifetimes to finally throw off those shackles of guilt and shame that society had placed upon us.

Again, great post, Paula! It should be required reading for all those here who are still deep inside the closet, and who are loathe to admit who/what we really are. :hugs: :thumbsup:

Your post should be framed and hung up inside each one of those proverbial closets to provide the necessary inspiration needed to slay those twin dragons of guilt and shame. In fact, it should go right up there next to the inspirational words of Stuart Smalley (humorist Al Franken's alter ego, and ex -"Saturday Night Live!" alumnus), who once wrote a whimsical and satirical book entitled "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, And Doggone It, People Like Me!: Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley" :heehee:

[bridget thronton]

Wonderful post Paula - good reading for all of us

[Tracii G]

Well said Paula I agree 100%.
Taking that first step and accepting and owning up to what and who you are is liberating.
Almost every SA I have come out to has resulted in a positive reaction from them and their willingness to help.
Again your appearance in drab should be considered, be clean well mannered and friendly that will do wonders.
Great thread Paula.

[carhill2mn]

Thank you, Paula, for a well thought out and written post that should be a great help to many of our members and guests.

[Kandy Barr]

Thanks Paula, for a well written and thought out post. I have only recently started not trying to hide the fact that I'm buying for myself. I still have yet to shop presenting as Kandy, but my experience in drab has been nothing but positive. Now that my wardrobe is building up and my technique is getting better, im getting to the point that I'm able to go out as Kandy and be comfortable with that. Thanks to this forum and encouraging insights such as yours!

[ColleenCD]

Great post Paula.

Last year I had the opportunity to go out dressed and needed an appropriate outfit. With all the courage I could muster I entered Dress Barn and told them "this is for me." The Store Manager assisted me herself and was educational and understanding. She discovered my size and style preference and brought me several tops and skirts to try on in the dressing room. It was fun to step out in front of the mirror to check the fit and how I liked the selection. My favorite memory was her last statement as I paid, "If you enjoy wearing these, then you're welcome back anytime."

Colleen

[Michelle (Oz)]

Good add Leslie and as with Paula's OP spot on with my experience.

[Ms Jennifer]

Great advice. I only shop in drab and always tell the SA that I am shopping for myself. I shop at resale stores and call ahead and see if they are ok with a guy buying womens clothes.The ones that do not accept me are fine since I never go back. The ones that are truly helpful.I usaully leave them a tip so when I go back they usaully have items put aside just for me.

[STACY B]

I also agree ,, I think the first step for anyone is to do it out of town FIRST ,, Build up your confidence ,, Tell them there first an the work your way back home ,,You won't believe how easy it becomes ,, No matter how far you have to travel ,, An second is go to places like she said Lane Bryan ,, Cato,, Dress Barn ,, Payless ,, Do it during the week ,, There are less people out then ,, If you go to a Big store like Walmart an your dressed to the nines atleast do it on Sunday so you will blend into the Church crowd ,,lol,,, But all people are different an have a low attention span ,, Some people just give up after one Bad thing happens ,, Just back up an start all over again ,, You have to pave your own road ,, Once you accept it the rest of the world falls into place ,, An if they don't keep your back to them ,,,

Remember what people say behind your back or about YOU is none of your Bizzness !!!!

[k lynn]

Great post Several months ago I was in Victoria Secret looking to buy a sexy tee shirt bra a young sa walked up said can I help you told her what I was looking for she said what size does she wear I said it was for me she got a shocked look on her face but quickly recovered help me find a 38b in yellow then asked if I would like to try it on this shocked me she said its alright so I did try it on whilein the dressingshe knock on the door and ask if it fit I said just geart bought 2 tee shirt bras that day for $49.95 honsety is the best

[Kalista Jameson]

Great post Paula. I love the attitude and echo it. Throw the dice and don't bother to look at the result, because it doesn't matter. :)

You keep on keepin' on.

Cheers,

Kalista

[Sindy Lovelace]

Great post Several months ago I was in Victoria Secret looking to buy a sexy tee shirt bra a young sa walked up said can I help you told her what I was looking for she said what size does she wear I said it was for me she got a shocked look on her face but quickly recovered help me find a 38b in yellow then asked if I would like to try it on this shocked me she said its alright so I did try it on whilein the dressingshe knock on the door and ask if it fit I said just geart bought 2 tee shirt bras that day for $49.95 honsety is the best

:battingeyelashes:
If you are a paying customer why should you not try the goods on? I only buy from a shop that will let me check the fit.
Enjoy ur shoppin'

luv Sindy
x x x

[Raychel]

Great post Paula, I will keep this in mind the next time I walk into the mall.
You definitely have given me something to think about.

Thanks for sharing.

[Sindy Lovelace]

There is no way you can buy a lace-up corset without having the associate lace you up, so what the problem !!!

[Paula_56]

Like you, this type of reaction and level of acceptance has proven to be diametrically opposed to what I had conditioned myself all my life to expect before I finally screwed up the courage to go out en femme for the first time and test the waters myself. The revelation that ensued has been nothing short of amazing, and the only downside - if anything - of this almost universal acceptance has been the fact that going out en femme has now practically become addictive. But hey! - it is also a far more benign addiction than gambling, smoking, drinking or a love for junk food - and far less fattening or unhealthy to boot ;). And as for the SA's - you're bang-on there as well. They just love us for the most part, and on more than one occasion I have been treated in what can only be described as a "rock star" - like manner.

:

Girls I should note that Leslie is a big sister and was onstrumental in helping a long this road and taught me about self acceptance, hugs big sister!!!

[Leslie Langford]

Thank you for those kind words, Paula...I am truly humbled by your comments. :) :hugs:

I really don't claim to have any special insights into this "weird" and confusing world of crossdressing and transgenderism - I'm just muddling through day by day like most of the others here, trying to make some sense of it all, and finally coming to the realization that not only is this is who I am - no amount of agonizing over it is going to change that.

So, as the saying goes - "If life hands you a lemonade, make lemonade" - and that's exactly what I've tried to do. And what an eye-opener it has been in terms of the unexpected and pleasurable experiences that I have been a party to since finally accepting this part of me, setting aside all of the past guilt and shame, and finally venturing out into the big, bad world as "Leslie" with increasing confidence and a sense of inner peace.

But part of that evolution has come from being on this forum and reading of other members' exploits and experiences - many of which appeared fanciful (if not down-right wishful thinking) at first glance, but ended up being all too true when I began to replicate them myself.

As the 17th Century physicist and mathematical genius Sir Isaac Newton once put it, "If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants....Due to their wisdom we grow wise and are able to say all that we say, but not because we are..." :thumbsup:

[Cassandra Lynn]

Wonderful post, thank you and not just for me, i love it when someone writes a post that will have a positive effect for all who read it.

It just helps to see in so many words that this is all just about consumer and product at the end of the day. SAs are trained to keep any personal thought they may have to themselves and as we've all talked about here before, it is when 'we' act unsure and nervous that things go badly.

Atta girl you Paula.

[BridgetAtl]

Thanks for your comments and experience. I went shopping today for a pair of heels. It took me a long time to build up the energy to try them on the store (payless),walk around in them and pay them, dressed in drab. After I got them and paid, I felt great! I love wearing heels, although I am a closet cross dresser.

[CarleyR]

Thanks for the great advice, Paula. I like women's clothes and I like shopping. I am just still on the edge as to whether it can be comfortable to bring the two together. Your advice will definitely help.

[Taragirl427]

I have never blatantly told anyone that I was shopping for myself, always in drab, but I am pretty sure some were suspicious. I think it would be a wonderful experience being helped by a SA to find proper fit and cute outfits...I have just always kind of kept to myself while shopping. It would definitely remedy my unfortunate habit of buying occasional ill fitting pieces. I'm not ashamed to shop for myself, just always opted to draw as little attention as possible, but reading everyone's experiences in this thread makes me want to give it a whirl.

[MelodyS.]

I have a routine that seems to help me out.
I Drive to a mall far away that has several smaller shops that I really enjoy shopping at near it. I go into the mall first and hit the department stores that are in there such as Sears, J C Penny, Carsons..etc. I am very nervous when I start out, but going into those stores I can browse and if my nerves start getting to me, I can jump to the mens department and calm down a bit. After browsing through the mall for awhile, I have more confidence to go to the smaller shops near it where I really like to spend my money due to great fashions at great prices.
This works for me, may not work for others.