Maria D
12-17-2005, 08:03 PM
Hi :)
I just thought I'd post a little about myself, since I haven't thus far, so you can see where I'm coming from when I post. If you find this boring, I don't blame you; I recommend reading the labels on near items of clothing as an interest substitute :)
I'll skip all the boring childhood stuff, and proceed to the living on my own phase at 21.
I felt very guilty about my feelings, and tried to supress them. Once online, I was amazed to find I wasn't the only one, but still, I never left my flat in anything other than very male clothes. At one point, I bought premarin online, but only got 3 months worth, and couldn't get more. The guilt and internal fight got so bad that when I was 25 and my work contract ran out, I stopped leaving my flat and let my food run out, intending to just go to sleep and die, since I didn't have the strength to kill myself. Punch walls until I could see my knuckles, but not kill myself.
My best friend, living hundreds of miles away, sensed trouble and ordered a load of food from Tesco which just arrived on my doorstep. It moved me deeply, and really helped, but still seemed hollow. See, to me in my twisted head, noone COULD love me, since they didn't really know me and my feminine side; they only loved the mask of man I wore so well.
Within a week of that, I met a woman online by accident, and she took my breathe away. I did the usual thing and hid my true self, and came to visit her in Leeds (very north to a southerner like me). I intended to stay the weekend but didn't actually go home except to empty my flat. She was amazing, but I didn't tell her about me until a month or so later. She dressed me up because she loves Rocky Horror, as she has dressed numerous people, like her Dad. I welled up and confessed the truth. She didn't mention it again for a month, a terrible time when I didn't really know what was going on. She brought it up suddenly a month later, after researching it online, and saying that she loved me so much she just wanted me to be happy. She wasn't a lesbian, and likely wouldn't 'fancy' me, but would do her best to help me be what I needed to be. She only asked that I involve her and don't cut her out (hence my name is her middle name).
I saw a private gender specialist in January (since the NHS is a pile of s**t), and was prescribed ovysmen (3x35micro) and finasteride (half a tab a day), and my GP agreed to shared care (cheap pills), and to test my blood regularly.
I also started the wonderful process of having my face flayed off with a pain stick (guarenteed worst pain in your life or your money backā¢) also known as IPL, which, though it takes months or more to complete, is really helping. Just my top lip is still annoyingly dark.
In April, my fiancee changed her mind about sperm storage, so we trundled off to hospital where I found I was completely sterile. Their advice was to stop the hormones for 3 months and try again, and I MUST see a therapist (since stopping transition is known to be traumatic). It was, too, I felt desolate, like all my hopes were snatched away. Of course, it was only 3 months, but still...
Anyway, we went back and I was fertile again, so over the next month I stored loads of sticks of sperm, before resuming hormones in October.
At last, finally, after so many years, it's happening. I came out to my friends and so far, they have been fantastic. A few months ago my fiancee told her parents.
You probably heard the explosion. They think I should just simply 'not do it', and that she's not helping me by letting me do it. They also think that I tricked her by letting her fall for me, and given the chance her Dad would probably beat me with a stick too.
In the months since being told, they've been fairly cold, while blaming my fiancee for not being in touch. This, btw, is my ill fiancee who needs a wheelchair a lot, and is prescribed morphine for the pain she's in. Sometimes I can't help thinking it's my fault and that she doesn't deserve this...
The best bit, for me, is that her parents are devout catholics. You know, the church that claims to represent what God wants. The religion of goodness and caring. Yes, I'm sure I remember Jesus preaching hatred in the bible somewhere.
During the last couple of years, I've been going out as Maria more and more, gaining confidence, and recently I'm 'dressed' (hate the term) whenever possible, and when not possible, I'm very androgenous. My hair is long, my eyebrows are done, my ears are pierced, I wear generic female clothes, you get the idea.
I work in a lab making spectacles, there are 4 of us, and a couple of weeks ago, a girl stared at my chest and said 'Bloody hell *my hell name*, your manboobs are huge! Chris, come and look at this, quick!' (They are a full A now.)
I was caught off guard, went betroot red and turned away unable to speak. She was concerned she'd upset me and all I could say was 'just leave it'.
I realised that it was time, so asked her and Noel out to the pub. (Chris I'll explain in a sec.)
They were concerned, and once there, Noel said 'so what are we here for?'
I said 'Kell, you asked what I regretted in my life, well, not having this conversation years ago. You also asked if I hated myself and I said not to ask, this is why I do... how do you say it? I can't get the words right... gibber... erm... how do you say it?'
Silence for about ten years, and then I said 'I'm transgendered, I've always wanted to be a woman and telling you is a step towards becoming one.'
Then I stared at the table trying not to cry.
Kelly nodded sagely and said 'yeah, I thought so. I've been trying to drop hints for ages, since you said you shave your legs, that's when I twigged.' (About a year ago).
Noel said 'Really? I never noticed, but then I do have blinkers on. Can I just say that this changes NOTHING with our relationship. I don't want to offend you, but in a nice way, so what? It changes nothing, does it?'
Again with the nearly crying. After talking for a bit, they are very supportive, wanting to be with me when I tell everyone else at work (the other 40 downstairs), and also offering to go down south with me to tell my parents, which is my intention this Christmas. (Scared witless about that, my Mum's a bit funny about those who she sees as 'them'.) They are true friends, really good people and sadly too rare in this world. Chris is a bit more of a 'lad', and can be a bit, well, bigotted. Apparently though, since Kelly had guessed about me, she's been quietly priming him behind my back, once even asking him 'would it really matter if *my name* became a woman? He'd be the same person and you like him, right? So would it matter? Eh? Eh?' Quite how she inserted that into a conversation I'm not sure...
Telling him is next, after my family, anyway.
So that takes us to now. I'm hoping to be full time within 2 months, but that's not hard and fast. I still get guilty sometimes, and I still get scared sometimes, but I'm happier now. Hell, I'm HAPPY now. I'm not, and never ever will push people to transition, or not, but doing it is for me.
The spur for change, for actually getting professional help, was getting over my fear, and my word that's hard. I urge anyone suffering to get professional help, it IS the way forward. It can give you somewhere to go forward TO, whether you transition or not. It really does help, and there really isn't anything to be afraid of. It's not jumping off a cliff onto a spike, even if it does feel like it. It might even be the best thing you ever do :)
So that's my life. Thanks if you read it, and I don't blame you if you didn't. ;)
I don't have any real answers, I'm very human, and pretty fragile too. I do try to help though, because I do care.
Take care :)
Maria
xxx
I just thought I'd post a little about myself, since I haven't thus far, so you can see where I'm coming from when I post. If you find this boring, I don't blame you; I recommend reading the labels on near items of clothing as an interest substitute :)
I'll skip all the boring childhood stuff, and proceed to the living on my own phase at 21.
I felt very guilty about my feelings, and tried to supress them. Once online, I was amazed to find I wasn't the only one, but still, I never left my flat in anything other than very male clothes. At one point, I bought premarin online, but only got 3 months worth, and couldn't get more. The guilt and internal fight got so bad that when I was 25 and my work contract ran out, I stopped leaving my flat and let my food run out, intending to just go to sleep and die, since I didn't have the strength to kill myself. Punch walls until I could see my knuckles, but not kill myself.
My best friend, living hundreds of miles away, sensed trouble and ordered a load of food from Tesco which just arrived on my doorstep. It moved me deeply, and really helped, but still seemed hollow. See, to me in my twisted head, noone COULD love me, since they didn't really know me and my feminine side; they only loved the mask of man I wore so well.
Within a week of that, I met a woman online by accident, and she took my breathe away. I did the usual thing and hid my true self, and came to visit her in Leeds (very north to a southerner like me). I intended to stay the weekend but didn't actually go home except to empty my flat. She was amazing, but I didn't tell her about me until a month or so later. She dressed me up because she loves Rocky Horror, as she has dressed numerous people, like her Dad. I welled up and confessed the truth. She didn't mention it again for a month, a terrible time when I didn't really know what was going on. She brought it up suddenly a month later, after researching it online, and saying that she loved me so much she just wanted me to be happy. She wasn't a lesbian, and likely wouldn't 'fancy' me, but would do her best to help me be what I needed to be. She only asked that I involve her and don't cut her out (hence my name is her middle name).
I saw a private gender specialist in January (since the NHS is a pile of s**t), and was prescribed ovysmen (3x35micro) and finasteride (half a tab a day), and my GP agreed to shared care (cheap pills), and to test my blood regularly.
I also started the wonderful process of having my face flayed off with a pain stick (guarenteed worst pain in your life or your money backā¢) also known as IPL, which, though it takes months or more to complete, is really helping. Just my top lip is still annoyingly dark.
In April, my fiancee changed her mind about sperm storage, so we trundled off to hospital where I found I was completely sterile. Their advice was to stop the hormones for 3 months and try again, and I MUST see a therapist (since stopping transition is known to be traumatic). It was, too, I felt desolate, like all my hopes were snatched away. Of course, it was only 3 months, but still...
Anyway, we went back and I was fertile again, so over the next month I stored loads of sticks of sperm, before resuming hormones in October.
At last, finally, after so many years, it's happening. I came out to my friends and so far, they have been fantastic. A few months ago my fiancee told her parents.
You probably heard the explosion. They think I should just simply 'not do it', and that she's not helping me by letting me do it. They also think that I tricked her by letting her fall for me, and given the chance her Dad would probably beat me with a stick too.
In the months since being told, they've been fairly cold, while blaming my fiancee for not being in touch. This, btw, is my ill fiancee who needs a wheelchair a lot, and is prescribed morphine for the pain she's in. Sometimes I can't help thinking it's my fault and that she doesn't deserve this...
The best bit, for me, is that her parents are devout catholics. You know, the church that claims to represent what God wants. The religion of goodness and caring. Yes, I'm sure I remember Jesus preaching hatred in the bible somewhere.
During the last couple of years, I've been going out as Maria more and more, gaining confidence, and recently I'm 'dressed' (hate the term) whenever possible, and when not possible, I'm very androgenous. My hair is long, my eyebrows are done, my ears are pierced, I wear generic female clothes, you get the idea.
I work in a lab making spectacles, there are 4 of us, and a couple of weeks ago, a girl stared at my chest and said 'Bloody hell *my hell name*, your manboobs are huge! Chris, come and look at this, quick!' (They are a full A now.)
I was caught off guard, went betroot red and turned away unable to speak. She was concerned she'd upset me and all I could say was 'just leave it'.
I realised that it was time, so asked her and Noel out to the pub. (Chris I'll explain in a sec.)
They were concerned, and once there, Noel said 'so what are we here for?'
I said 'Kell, you asked what I regretted in my life, well, not having this conversation years ago. You also asked if I hated myself and I said not to ask, this is why I do... how do you say it? I can't get the words right... gibber... erm... how do you say it?'
Silence for about ten years, and then I said 'I'm transgendered, I've always wanted to be a woman and telling you is a step towards becoming one.'
Then I stared at the table trying not to cry.
Kelly nodded sagely and said 'yeah, I thought so. I've been trying to drop hints for ages, since you said you shave your legs, that's when I twigged.' (About a year ago).
Noel said 'Really? I never noticed, but then I do have blinkers on. Can I just say that this changes NOTHING with our relationship. I don't want to offend you, but in a nice way, so what? It changes nothing, does it?'
Again with the nearly crying. After talking for a bit, they are very supportive, wanting to be with me when I tell everyone else at work (the other 40 downstairs), and also offering to go down south with me to tell my parents, which is my intention this Christmas. (Scared witless about that, my Mum's a bit funny about those who she sees as 'them'.) They are true friends, really good people and sadly too rare in this world. Chris is a bit more of a 'lad', and can be a bit, well, bigotted. Apparently though, since Kelly had guessed about me, she's been quietly priming him behind my back, once even asking him 'would it really matter if *my name* became a woman? He'd be the same person and you like him, right? So would it matter? Eh? Eh?' Quite how she inserted that into a conversation I'm not sure...
Telling him is next, after my family, anyway.
So that takes us to now. I'm hoping to be full time within 2 months, but that's not hard and fast. I still get guilty sometimes, and I still get scared sometimes, but I'm happier now. Hell, I'm HAPPY now. I'm not, and never ever will push people to transition, or not, but doing it is for me.
The spur for change, for actually getting professional help, was getting over my fear, and my word that's hard. I urge anyone suffering to get professional help, it IS the way forward. It can give you somewhere to go forward TO, whether you transition or not. It really does help, and there really isn't anything to be afraid of. It's not jumping off a cliff onto a spike, even if it does feel like it. It might even be the best thing you ever do :)
So that's my life. Thanks if you read it, and I don't blame you if you didn't. ;)
I don't have any real answers, I'm very human, and pretty fragile too. I do try to help though, because I do care.
Take care :)
Maria
xxx