I lost my supportive spouse and now I'm back in the closet.

[Sarah Doepner]

After a long, tough fight with cancer, my wife passed away recently. I'm getting love and support from friends and family and have lots of wonderful memories to help me move along and lots of wonderful memories to cry over as well. But reason for the post is to examine a crossdressing issue. She was the only one in the family who knew of my crossdressing and had known for about the last 10 years of our nearly 40 year long marriage (not enough in either case, but we can't change the past). At least she is the only one either one of us told, so I'm back in the closet except for on-line and my local CD group.

We both always wanted her there when we told one or more of our adult children, so that plan is no longer valid. Somehow I'll need to muster up the strength to make that next step myself. I'm still a little too fragile to even worry too much about that for now but I see now that it's something I'll eventually have to do. One step at a time.

Until then, I'm back with those who must hide everything when someone may be coming over. I'm back having to tell stories that aren't true and having to worry about how and when the next person in my family comes to know Sarah. I think it will be easier to share the information because of the support and love she gave me. My self confidence is much higher now than before she found this side of me. It's a new world out there and many of the parameters have changed, but I'm moving along and in a way, I guess she will still have my back.

[docrobbysherry]

Hang in there, Sarah! It sounds like u r.

It's funny how something can change in your life and all of a sudden your dressing is affected. Often not in a good way. Like your tragic loss.

In my case, my daughter moved in with me full time recently. Since I began dressing some 15+ years ago I've always known which days and weekends I would be alone. So, planning my dressing was easy with no chance of being caught. Now, I never know when she'll leave or return. So, extra stealth and risk is involved when I dress. This uncertainty is a completely new experience. And, since I've almost been caught a few times, NOT a pleasant one!

[Sabrina133]

Hi Sarah. I cant even offer advice but wanted to respond to offer my sincerest condolences on your loss. I cant even imagine what its like to loose your life's partner after such a long and eventful life together.
Hugs sister.
Bree

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug
I'm so sorry for your loss!

[StacyPump]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Sarah.

Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. Trust that after some time has passed, and you do some grieving, the path will reveal itself to you. I have a feeling that your children will be supportive and loving.

[suzanne]

Sorry for your loss. Not much else I can say except, "Hang in there, it gets better". Hugs

[dawnmarrie1961]

My heart goes out to you and your family, Sarah.

[SherriePall]

Sarah -- My heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your wife. It must be comforting to remember her support of you after waiting so many years to tell. I, too, waited nearly as long, with a different result (not supportive, but not hostile). Again, my condolences and my prayers for you and your family.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Sarah, I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you. Please accept my condolences for your loss. I'm sure you and your wife shared many other special times aside from the fact that she accepted and embraced the real you. Please take the time to heal and take things slowly. You say your were married about 40 years so I'm guessing you're around my age of 60? You say you have adult children? They may surprise you. I have two 30-somethings girls and one step-daughter who know about me and still love me no matter what. You might be able to lean on our youth who are more accepting. I know I could!

Just continue to lean on us here. While we mourn the loss of your loving wife, you still have a future. It will take time since you show that you loved her so much. But today she may very well be your guardian angel in heaven! That's one of the reasons this group exists. You have many friends here to lean on! I wish you the very best.

Cheryl

[RADER]

Sarah;
I also lost my wife in early April. We had 19+ years together, the best years of my life.
She knew of me dressing since we where dating, so no surprises.
Now the daughter wants to come over and help me "Clean" out old clothes.
This is one job I must do my self. I must separate hers from mine, and she would not understand.
I think the worst thing about Marriage is losing your soul mate from death. I do miss her.
Rader

[Tess]

I was touched by your post. My wife has begun a battle with cancer with a few health related strikes against her already. Its frightening when I think I could loose her. It is so difficult to close the door on the past and move forward without the partner that has been there for so long...and knew most of our secrets.

[Persephone]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,
Persephone

[rachael.davis]

I am sorry for your loss, Please give yourself enough time to grieve before speaking to your children, or other relatives.

[Ashley Lyn]

My heart goes out to you, and your family..
I lost my 'supportive' wife to a similar fate in 1998.. I too, wanted to tell the kids, so they wouldn't 'discover' Dad's closet, but hesitated to do so.. Especially so soon after her passing, as ones mind is not clear for several months.. Take your time!:o

I remarried in 2004, and she was introduced to my 'closet' just before we 'got serious'.. I'm really mostly closet, but we have been out to a few quiet places together, as I was with my previous wife.. There may be someone out there....:)

Again, please take your time..

[Tracii G]

I'm so sorry to hear about losing her but memories are always great to look back on.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[Laura912]

Little can be said right now that will speed the healing. Perhaps, as you approach telling other members of your family, you can introduce the topic by saying, "Your mother knew this about me and was comfortable with it. We were going to tell you so now I will tell you by myself." That day will be a while coming though.

[Eryn]

I think that Laura's approach is a good one. There is no rush, so let the grieving period get well past before you discuss this with your children. That will let your wife's sharing in your CDing be seen as your fond memory, not associated with the grief of her passing.

[Annette_boy]

Hi Sarah

first my deepest sympathy to you on your loss . I too have been there I lost my wife of 30 years who knew of my dressing and other things the whole time this was 9 years ago. It does get easier but never goes away the grief . I am now out to everyone and live full time but your journey is going to be different from mine. I wish you well and take things slow and they will work out .I wish I could give you a hug more substantial than this virtual one.

Hugs Annette

[Cami desiree]

Sarah,
If you ever need any one to talk to or support please contact me. Perhaps we can get together someday in Salt Lake City?
Cami

[Maria 60]

I am so sorry to hear about your lost. It was just last week when my wife was doing some spring cleaning and asked me if I wanted some of the cloths she was giving to goodwill. I really don't have anymore room for more fem stuff but I still took most of it, she asked me why I was taking so much considering I don't really dress that often. I told her I don't know what the future has in mind for us and for whatever reason I may end up without you I want to make sure I have a life time of cloths.. She answered I hope that never happens. I could only imagine what your going threw. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Jonianne]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Sarah. Do allow the greiving to come whenever it comes. My Angel passed two years ago this month and hearing of your loss brings greiving back into my heart. In a way, it's a comfort, because it brings back our most intimate connection between our hearts, even though she is not here physically. God be with you as you go through this time. Joni

[Cindy M]

Sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Cindy

[Lorileah]

For what it is worth, since I have been there. Don't worry about it right now. After my wife died I dressed at home only and then maybe once a month or so, for 6 months. After my GF died, I went OUT with a vengeance. Two different reactions. But the second loss just reinforced that life is short and you can't wait until tomorrow. You will KNOW when you are ready. Dressing aside you need time to grieve and process. You have had a long and stressful road recently. You are worn down. Take time to process and recharge. It isn't easy, trust me, You will be in shock for awhile. Take your time, you need to do this on your own time. DO NOT force it along .

You know you have many many friends here who support you 100%

[jamie-upstate]

Sorry for your loss. I don't know how I would deal with the loss of my wife. She has been very supportive for me and my dressing. I just went to your Facebook page and there are a lot of hints that you like crossdressing. It may not be as hard as you think to let family know about Sarah. Our prayers are with you at this time of you loss.

[denese]

my condolences to you. i feel your pain as i am in much the same circumstances. my partner passed away about one month ago. we were only together 22 years but they were great ones. like you she was the only one who know and helped keep my secret from others.

[Alice Torn]

I am sorry to hear of this loss. I have never had a mate, but my first close girlfriend died of a drug overdose suicide, at age 21, in 1982. That was very hard on me, as i had never dated much before. Great advice on here by others, to "easy does it" for a while, while you grieve and heal slowly. You are in my thoughts.

[Raychel]

My sincere sympathies go out to you Sarah. Cancer is a very tough battle to fight.
You wife must have gone thru some very tough time. I will bet she just wants you to be happy
Take your time, decide what will make you happy and when the time is right for you all will work out

:hugs::hugs:

[Christine.Lolita]

That is heart breaking to hear. I cannot imagine how grief struck you are. Please accept my deepest sympathy.

[AmandaJean]

I am so sad for you. My deepest condolences.

[Genny B]

Terrible news. So sorry to hear of your loss. Take you time and be sure to have a good cry. It helps. Have several if necessary!

[busker]

My sincere condolences on the passing of your wife. I know how the cancer battle goes, I'm trying to beat lung cancer, my dad died from it, my mother had it and it is like a ball and chain knowing about it. Most important at this point is to maintain your own health . The grieving will end in the proper time. I still think about my parents who have both been dead for quite a while. There is nothing wrong with the closet and you will find a way if it is really important to tell your children.

[ShelbyDawn]

Sarah,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs:hugs:

Shelby

[Kathi Lake]

Sarah,

You are one of the most loving, caring people I know. Yes, even though I have met you in person once, I know this to be true from the quality of your posts. I know that you were such a source of support to your wife, as she was with you. Now you find that source of support no longer there. Well, not entirely. You have the right idea. She may no longer be physically there, but you carry her love and acceptance and support inside of you - and always will.

Dressing at home by yourself, you say? And that's bad how? . . .

Girl, you need to allow yourself to grieve. You need to allow yourself to experience life a little more differently. You also need to allow your family time as well. Sarah will still be there. And when the time comes to introduce family members to her, your wife will still be your best source of support. Continue to carry her love and acceptance in your heart as you navigate this tricky road.

Love and prayers.

Kathi

[ME2.0]

Sarah, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It's difficult to open up to someone about crossdressing, and when a husband and wife both know about it and respect it, it's a very special bond indeed.

I don't know about you, but someone besides my wife has always known about my crossdressing. Somehow, I felt like I was living somewhat less of a lie if someone knew. I had a special female friend at work (just good friends, not that way) that I could share with. It brought our friendship to a new level, and she told me that some of the pieces of the puzzle added up when she knew the truth.

I don't know your family, but you're a crossdresser, and your wife was very accepting of your life as a crossdresser. So I'm thinking that some of your beliefs about different people and acceptance were probably handed down a generation. What I'm saying in a round a bout way is: Your relationship with your wife was so special, I think that if you brought it up kind of matter of factly ie. "Daughter, there's something that I've wanted you to know for a long time. Your mother had always known, and we had hoped to talk to you about it when the time was right. Well, the right time kept slipping away. I know you love me, and I love you more than anything in the world, but I'm a little different than you think I am. I have another side of me that I wish I could share with you, since your mother is no longer here for me to share with. It's nothing sexual or weird, I just have a side of me that likes to express my feminine side."

Don't discount your children. They probably have the same accepting qualities that you tried to insill in them since they were born. Maybe right now isn't the right time, but let them in, and they may surprise you. Until then, maybe you could spend some time on the forum and find another member from your area to spend time with. Even if it's watching TV, shopping in a different city, or just having a cup of tea. The closet is too claustrophobic, and does you no good. I'm beginning to crack open the door myself. I'm sure the people at work are going to wonder after this week why I'm having electrolysis done on my beard...

I'm sure I speak for everyone on this board when I say, I'm very sorry for your loss, and we're here for you anytime you want to talk. You can PM me anytime. We love you!

Hugs,
Staci

[MysticLady]

Hello Sarah

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope for peace of mind while you deal w/ this. I would suggest you just take it a day at a time and not worry about that right away. Things will fall into place as you move forward.:hugs:

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi Sarah,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. So sorry to hear it. Stay strong and involved with your groups, as I'm sure they will be a strength for you.

Stay strong,

Kalista

[Stevie]

So sorry to hear about your loss. Not being able to communicate with anyone can be hard.

[Sara Jessica]

Sarah, my dear friend, my heart goes out to you. I am so incredibly sad to hear of your loss. May you find peace in the memories of such a long and loving marriage. I know you were there with your wife at every step in her long battle, and now I believe she is looking out for you as well. I see where you are coming from as you ponder what lies ahead but those decisions can wait until your heart has begun to heal.

[giuseppina]

I'm saddened to hear of the passing of your wife, Sarah. It must have been difficult to see her slowly dying. Her suffering is now over.

There is no rush to tell your family about Sarah.

You can ask your family to leave you alone for a day or two to get some Sarah time.

[Beverley Sims]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Sarah.
Times do change and new opportunities will come your way.
It does not cover your loss though.
Cancer is cruel.

[Nicole Erin]

A person's S.O. is probably the most important person in one's life. They live together, share good times and bad, they really are someone's "other half".
Your wife knew and was supportive. You two were able to stay together until she passed on. Who or what could be more important than that? She was supportive and didn't bail on you like too many for the rest of us (especially us TG people).

Everyone else ultimately has their own life to worry about.
In a divorce it would be easy to say "Time to go out there and have fun" but in this case, being able to do that wasn't an issue since she supported you with your CD'ing. You shouldn't worry what anyone else thinks.

If that's really a concern, just know that true friends and good family are not going to hold it against you. There may be a bit of shock or questions but that will not last long.

She still does have your back. If you run into problems, just think of what she would say to comfort. Though not physically here, she is STILL with you and always will be.

[Chickhe]

Sorry for your loss. Is there a way you could turn the life change to a benefit? Suppose you just start dressing up and use the excuse that it helps you remember your spouse... anyone you know will just size it up as a coping mechanism.

I had a friend who's mother passed away and he took to wearing black for the next decade. He also kept all her things and started drinking.

[Maria in heels]

Sarah...sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Its these types of memories that you can hold close to your heart and they will provide some comfort. She may have only known for a short time, but she knew and supported, ,which is the love that you both shared...

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, advice, love and support. This is such a good example of how a support group can actually fulfill it's promise and be true to it's name.

I've always been cautious and will follow the advice of not to jump out of the closet at the first opportunity when I have family here. I'll also be spending time trying to balance my grieving with a celebration of those things she found so wonderful in life. I have been her full time caregiver for the last 6 years and now there is a lot that I have to do, things that were put on the far back burner, then pushed off by something else. Regardless, I will be able to look at the world in a different light now. My path has started to change from where it was being steered, but there is so much I've learned from her and retained from our relationship that I'm pretty sure it will all be okay.