Trying to bury it again

[Sephina]

Hey everyone I need some advise or some personal reflection. I've come out to everyone who's important to me, I know that with that information a lot of us lose loved ones, but I digress. My dad is aware of my desire to transition but is very troubled by it, and the one person who I actually care about losing is the one I may lose ( I love all my family but I was prepared to lose some ) but I'm trying to fight this again I buried it once in 2006 then. I've regretted not embracing it then but I'm trying to fight it for my dads sake because at this point he and my mom are the only 2 people that I fight for life at all cause I know that suicide isn't the awnser its just a selfish way out selfish Because your pain is gone but your loved ones suffer for it. But I'm just past a point where I dont know if I can do it any more what do I do? Do I fight these feelings or do I try to make myself happy at such great cost that is be miserable anyway? I honestly don't think I win either way

[emma5410]

You are between a rock and an hard place. I understand that you do not want to hurt or lose your parents but I do not think this thing will go away. For me there was a terrible inevitability about it. It was unstoppable. It just rolled over my life. Your parents feelings are important but it is your life. They cannot live it for you and you cannot let them try. They are not TS and will never really know how it feels for you.
At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and hope that the ones you love understand that and come to terms with it. If they really love you then hopefully they will.
You have to believe that there is a better day coming. One in which you can be truly be yourself and be accepted for who you are.

[stefan37]

Sephina, Only you can make the tough decisions to either live with the status quo suppressing your inner self and continuing to wage internal war, or make the difficult choice to allow your inner soul free to become the person you truly believe you are. There are no easy answers. Someone once told me "If you are trapped between your feelings and what people think is right always go with what makes you happy, unless you want everyone to be happy except you". I never brought this up with my parents because of how I thought my dad would react. Well I am 56 and I told both my parents in January. The response could not have gone any better, and my mom had asked me "why did I not let them sooner" even though I knew she knew the answer. It was a different era I grew up I than today. I wish you luck you have a difficult choices to make and I understand the ramifications either decision can bring.

[Angela Campbell]

Sometimes you need to give others time to adjust to this. You cannot make anyone accept it but you had a long time to come to terms with it, others will take a while too.

[noeleena]

Hi .

I did a post in surviveing transexualism. you may have seen it, have a look if not,

can i say suiside does end for the one who takes thier own life, not those around them, i know , i allso know what its like on that road for Jos & i, plus others around us. yes i know its a very inviting prospect . just it's a loss because i would have lost so much , as i said Dejarn was / is the one i lived for she was & is my focuse you know just a little baby 10 y 6 m ago she was born she keeped me alive, with out her, you would not have known about this woman, yes myself, so there you have it,

yes its hard bloody hard infact yet long term its all worth it it shows we have what it takes to live, give up bugger off pack it in yeap its to easy, i know iv been on that road, i bloody well know first hand, we have been given life yes it damm hard. being rejected , scorned think your mad lost it, & my fav weird. well im still here,
so since im still here why not make the most of what iv got.

i have life hey you know what i had no say comeing here, nore did you, we are though are we not, so do what you need to do because you will go stircrazy .

youi know about mental issues i do depression yes been there,
There comes a time to face up to this is what i bloody well am cant stop being that, hey try 8 years of pure HELl. no end in sight, you know what there was i just could not see it, try crawling on glass in a stinking cess pool i know i did come out the other side, i had to wash myself yet did i no i had help people came around me helped me washed & dressed me keeped me safe im not just makeing this up its true . it was the right time for my going through what i had to & better still .

Those people are still my friends some i never asked they were just there , at the time for myself, im not a woman by myself , as you can see. yes im female yet then it was about growing into a woman i had help again from others, on my own i could not have done any thing i had to trust others im glad i did,

I thought i was going to loose my family at the time 10 of now we have 16 of us with two more comeing look what i would have missed out on we'v had our downs & ups yet we are as a family still pretty much intact, i thought i was going to loose one son his wife & thier son plus thier new baby comeing , that would have killed me & still could he is still not finding it easy, & im only intersexed, we do a few small compromises, no probs, if it keeps us close ill do what ever,

Okay is it worth the hell the lose of others with in family loomeing the hardship being rejected discarded, thought of as crazy, & a few other things, well im alive have a life pretty much happy, live as i started out though not seen then as what i am, thats okay im where i should be , so can you .

Trust a little in your self & those who help you lots of trust, Of cause it does not stop there as youll find out later trust me its more than worth going through. it really is,

Life is for liveing ,

...noeleena...

[Inna]

stay where you are at..............
and you and all who you know shall feel the misery in very low but constant measure, radiating from your pain

Transition................
and for a while some will feel tremendous pain, you will too, a price of TRUTH, however, as time goes by, the light of truth shall turn to LOVE and those who always loved shall see you happy and content and through this they them selves shall joy.

Love does not know condition nor preference, love is unconditional and pure.
Those who shall permanently depart from your embrace do NOT know love as they them selves suffer from insecurities and pain.

To go after your truth and happiness, is to be brave against forces of conditioning, enslavement, being dominated, all under the false pretense of love.

[Jorja]

You may have used it as a figure of speech but you need to realize, this is not a game. There are no winners or losers, only survivors. You need to also understand that your father’s feelings and troubles are his to deal with not yours. It might help to understand why he is having problems with your decision. Your father probably comes from a time where things like transsexuality and transition were not talked about. It was a taboo. It is against religious belief. He cannot wrap his mind around the idea. He more than likely has never even heard of such a thing. If he did hear of it, it was someone else in a far off land. Now it is in his house and he is freaking out. He doesn’t know how to deal with it. You might be able to help him by finding therapist in the area to help him. Keep your lines of communications open with him. If that is not possible, occasionally drop him a line letting him know you are ok and where you are. Maybe a phone number to contact you.

If you are of legal age and your father is not supporting you or giving you a place to live, it is your decision and yours alone. If you must transition, follow through with it. Holding off is only going to cause you more problems. Yes, there are going to be hardships and loss because of it but you can work on rebuilding those relationships afterward. As for the hardships, you need to have a plan for how you are going to live after transition. Get yourself educated if you are not now. Develop a financial plan. Where will you work and how are you going to live. These are the things often overlooked by those wanting to transition.

As for things like suicide, you are right, it’s a selfish way out. It does no one any good and leaves behind a lot of pain.

[Badtranny]

You gotta do what you gotta do. So what is that exactly? You decide.

People respond much better to commitments than they do tentative fence sitting. If you're not sure, than they're not sure.

Make a commitment, follow through, do what you say and say what you do.

[KellyJameson]

There are many forces that drive transitioning and because of this many "types" of transsexuals because it is the forces that drive us that define us.

If you have been haunted by your female identity all your life, this haunting will follow you to the grave. You cannot nor will you ever be able to escape it because it is etched into your brain.

It is biological, much like having a brain that receives a certain channel of music and what you receive will continuously tell you that you are female.

This literally drives you insane because the world and you as "thinking brain" will be arguing with your "essence" which is your "biology" as the physical expression of your brain.

You will go mad with this internal argument and it will split your mind in half so you will continuously be at war with yourself and the world you are trying to live in.

Think of it like a form of torture. Do your parents want to see you live in a perpetual state of torture that slowly destroys your mind because that is what it does.

You can choose the crazy path of self destruction and it does not have to be suicide because many people commit suicide while staying alive.

They do it with drugs, alcohol, compulsive sexual practices, violence and all manner of behavior that is a reaction to their pain and a desperate solution to escape this pain.

At the very least try to stand as far outside the gender binary to relieve the pressure even though this will curse you with another form of suffering which is coming close to being born but never actually being born so you slowly suffocate in the birth canal but it "MAY" buy you time.

"IF" your subconscious mind holds onto a female identity you will "NEVER" escape it. And this identity will keep trying to be born no matter what you do because every moment of life reminds you that you are female even though you are trying "NOT TO BE"

You will live your life in a state of compulsion just like you are possessed by a spirit so it feels like a haunting.

HRT affects the biology so at the very least your body is not sending chemicals to the brain that it has no idea what to do with, creating a type of chemical anxiety so you feel physically nervous without any clue to why you are feeling this anxiety.

Your words sound like a "HAUNTING" and this is identity talking.

If my words are true for you than I strongly urge you to set aside what others want and "Save Your Life"

Transitioning when done because of identity is an act of "Self Love" and when done for any other reasons is done out of "Self Hate" and or "Hedonism" which are "REACTIONS" and "RESULTS" of what has been "DONE" to you but not who you "ARE" and lead to states of delusion and immoral justification

Understand love and hate as it applies to you (As the relationship you have with yourself) and you will know what to do.

[arbon]

whats more important being okay with who you are and not living a lie, or being what your parents want you to be?

if you are a woman you have the right to live as such, not doing so is being cruel to yourself. your parents may not understand that now but if they could do you think that is what they would want?

[Amy A]

It's not going to go away, and you know that's the truth. Only you know how bad your GD is, and how much it impacts your daily life. Your parents might be troubled by it but I think if they saw you truly happy they'd realise that there was nothing to fear all along.

People transition, and life goes on. You can't control other people's actions and reactions and you aren't responsible for them, the only thing you can alter is your own future. Why should you have to take this burden? Your feelings are just as valid as anyone elses and when it comes to your life they are the most important factor.

[I Am Paula]

After 55 years, I'm putting myself first. It may sound selfish, but so far I've lived my whole life to other peoples expectations. Maybe this philosophy could work for you. You deserve to be who you are.

[Sephina]

Of course your right I know that I can not hide anymore and I would never hurt myself, but this stress and anxiety is slowly eating away at me

[Ashley D.]

I feel bad for you,
I have a similar history. I came out to my family in about 2002.
My dad was very unexacting. I tried to live with out his approval.
Then later that year he was diagnosed with cancer.
I felt that it was wrong to move foreword with my transition.
He beat the cancer but by then I had met the woman that would tater be my wife.
For 8 years it tore me apart. After he past away in March of 2011.
I broke dawn for months. I hated everything and everyone.
I thought about deth all the time and truly wanted to kill my self.
At this point I know my marriage was over.
So as a last ditch effort I told my wife everything.
I really don't know how my story will help you.
But in closing let me say. I don't know where I would be if I didn't loss him.
I do know I wish I could be me and have him here.
I miss him so much.