Stress-induced transsexual feelings?

[AmandaM]

So I started this thread because of my own experience and I wanted to see if there is anyone else that has experienced this. I float somewhere between being a crossdresser and being transsexual, never being quite sure. Depending on how I feel seems to change the amount of transgendered feelings. Some days, I am perfectly content being a crossdresser. Other days, or most days, I dearly desire to be a girl, to the point of obsession. This might lead you to believe that I'm really TS, but I'm not so sure.

There's been a couple of things that have made me wonder otherwise. First off, if I dress up for non-sexual purposes, sometimes, after awhile I get bored with it and just want to change back. Other times, I can dress for a long time. I also dress for sexual purposes fyi. Other times, when I get really obsessed with being a woman, I want to be really good-looking women I see, but when I think of myself, as me, with a vagina, I don't want that. But then again, a couple of months ago I had a dream of being a woman, I looked like it was me who had hrt and a sex change. I didn't feel like I was happy, but I felt like I was ok in this dream. So my feelings go back and forth on this. Do you think I'm just a crossdresser obsessed with women? Anyone hear of or feel similar things?

[tiffanynjcd24]

Amanda i agree with you and i feel the same way about that too. I consider myself as a crossdresser but sometimes i feel like i am transgender myself. People would always going to tell you are a crossdresser and not a transgender. But only you can decide for youself and not having to worry about what everyone esle think especially your family. But just do what is right for you

[Badtranny]

Transsexual people WANT to transition. They WANT to be out to the world as who they really are. ALL of the time.

I don't know any TS who would disagree with that.

[celeste26]

So the answer is TA Dah, go for counseling, big surprise right? A good counselor will help you make up your own mind, but not do it for you. Be wary of any counselor who give answers for you.

[Starling]

Transsexual people WANT to transition...

Missy, I would agree even more if you heightened that to, "Transsexual people BURN to transition." (And sooner or later they burn up if they can't.)

If you don't wonder why you should go on living if you don't manifest who you are inside, then rejoice, AmandaM, because you're probably a crossdresser.

:) Lallie

[mary something]

I think there are more possible choices than just crossdresser or transsexual. Perhaps you are gender fluid or two spirited with both a female and male gender? Have you considered seeing a gender therapist?

[Barbara Ella]

Melissa and Starling are right, but the want and burn is not necessarily at the most intense all the time, and i do believe it can start out slow, and eventually ignite as one comes to understand themself. So I would not worry about uncertainties that exist at the present. A therapist might help, if you are concerned about these and feel they are bothering. It does not matter what you are, if you wish to do it, and it is safe, do it. As you do it, new things might pop up, and you will move in that direction. don't sweat it until you are there, and believe me, you will know when you are there, and you will not have a question about it.

Barbara

[Julie Hall]

Amanda, I have occasionally similar ambivalences. Now I am not happy when presenting male and will always opt for female if there is a choice. My therapist was telling me of gender fluid. Also that I would need make some decision, at some point to where on the gender spectrum I was going end up. That would depend on what I would be comfortable with; and that it might change with time.

Now with my limited knowledge, I intend to head towards transition, but that is me. I do not have a burning desire or driving imperative (I don't think) - I just like myself far more as Julie and not the empty shell I project when living male. As I have been spending far more time as Julie, the suicidal urges have subsided - and I am just much happier.

I can only hope you find your way with some counseling and end up happy - all any of us can hope!

Julie

[AmandaM]

Thanks for all the replies. I've done some therapy. The one constant seems to be that I am always in a state of confusion. I am always swinging from CDer to TS and back again. As soon as I spend a lot of time longing to be a girl, somehow, the feeling backs off a bit and I never go into full-blown "I must be a girl or die" mode. The feeling of longing to be a girl never fails to return, but it also never fails to subside, at least for a time. I almost never move to a point where I like being a guy. I sense some correlation with my stress level too.

Gender fluid sounds more normal for me if it means I can have a mental range like this scale represents. What do you think? If I accept gender fluidity where I most likely range to the right of a regular CDer, but not as far right as a TS, this scale definitely characterizes a lot of my feelings:

Scale to use for below examples:
<--like being male----------cder----------------ts----->

my gender fluidity range on this scale:
-----------------<------------------------------->--------

crossdresser who enjoys guyhood too on this scale:
-------<----------------------->--------------------------

transsexual range on this scale:
--------------------------------------------------<------->

[CharleneT]

Honestly, I am not sure those scales are working. A TS person believes all the way to their bones that they are the opposite gender ( whether MTF or FTM ). It is not a feeling that goes away. It is not about clothes and the like at all. I do believe the range of what CD's experience and feel is quite a bit wider than normally thought.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its much more descriptive and real to say simply you are between a man and a woman

Even if its about an identity that is firmly not either m or f, or floats back and forth, that's not "somewhere between crossdresser or transsexual" that's somewhere between a man and a woman..and if you live your life legally as a male, you can express your female side usually by dressing

Its interesting that people that are gender fluid identify with transsexuals, and yet live their lives basically crossdressing.

This not me saying what another person is or isn't....I can't do that. But it is me saying that being transsexual just is being transsexual. There is nothing at all middle about it...nothing at all about going back and forth..there is nothing gender fluid about being transsexual... in all honesty, I wish there was sometimes

Could identifying as gender fluid (or simply as a crossdresser) be confusion or denial?? could it be temporary? Can some transsexuals try very hard to succeed at a middle path?? Of course!! That's why it's a good idea to seek out counseling....

When you express that sometimes you feel obsessed, that is consistent with some transsexuals that denied or repressed their authentic nature
..but its not "turning into a transsexual" or leaning toward being transsexual and especially not between cding and being ts...
..its just better understanding who you are, and the authentic reasons for your thoughts

I id'd as a crossdresser for 40 years.. I never heard of gender fluidity or bi-gender... if I had, its possible I would have tried that out to avoid the difficult nature of transition...but i'd bet anything that wouldn't have worked for me either.

I hope you can have a great quality of life and come to a good place for yourself.

[josee]

I used to fluctuate a little bit on whether I was a crossdresser or transsexual. After a lot of therapy and contemplation about who I really was, I found that for me the times of lessening of desire to be that woman I saw myself as were largely due to fear. Who are you deep inside when no one else is looking? That is the question. For me crossdressing even when I used it in a sexual way was a way to connect with the female to give voice to her who was trying to get out. I was trying to get out of the several layers of costume I had created to hide who I really was. When I was finally honest with myself and I determined I was female that's all there was to it. Once I determined I was female there was no other course but to transition. I have to be who I am. You have to decide who you are. Are you a boy or are you a girl? You could be gender fluid. To quote the great philosopher, Pete Townsend, "Who are you"?

[mikiSJ]

I think I have met enough transitioned girls to know what Missy and Charlene is saying totally spot on.

I do not believe that I am TS, but I also believe that I am transgendered rather than a crossdresser and maybe that should be what you are trying to sort out, Amanda. I am getting very close to wanting to be a woman full-time, but I don't want to be female. For a transsexual girl, she wants to be a woman AND female.

[AmandaM]

Yeah, that's the thing. When I have the feelings of wanting to be a woman, it's the women I see, not "me" being a woman version of myself.

[GabbiSophia]

I do not believe that I am TS, but I also believe that I am transgendered rather than a crossdresser and maybe that should be what you are trying to sort out, Amanda. I am getting very close to wanting to be a woman full-time, but I don't want to be female.

This is me to a tee. Though I know as my stress levels going up it makes my anxiety go up also which makes me question more. I have found though the busier I get the less I think about the whole gender thing. The mind is looking for answers and I do my best to give it them and we go on about our life. It is rough being somewhere in the middle because of the constant questioning but in the end in my own life "what's it matter?" is my way of dealing with it. Kaitlyn is right we she says "is life good?".. that's my bench mark .. trying to keep it that way and understand it is what my path of action. It feels tough to be two instead of one but really your still just one that's the key so far to me sanity or what's left of it.

[stefan37]

I wouldn't worry too much about what you think you are. Start to live your life as authentically as you can. When you feel that urge to feminize go for it. When the urge subsides and you feel male again embrace that side and let it flow to however you feel at the time. It is actually a great place to be if you can manage it. To be able to manage my feeling and live in the middle would have been great for me if I thought I could do it. I know both my wife and I would have preferred If I was only transgender variant. But the inner urge and conflict for me was too much too handle. I hope that you are able to find your path and be comfortable and enjoy a better quality of life as a result.

[Sephina]

So far from what I'm reading you are a lot like I was, I am TS but I only really realized that I was indeed Transsexual. I had no idea what was going on with me in my life, I was uneducated about what it was to be TS or TG I honestly had no idea this even existed. I've always known or felt like I was different somehow growing up, I never felt like I belonged, I've also been CD since I was little earliest I can remember was 3 or 4, later on in life I just chalked it up as a fetish for many years. I also went through stages where I wanted to be a girl and actively thought about SRS even went through a period I thought I might be gay. Anyways what I'll getting at is you may be TS and you don't understand what is going on with you I would definitely see a therapist of not a gender therapist I eventually came to my conclusion doing some research online then I discovered Grishno on YouTube and watched her mini documentary that she did herself on being TS and at that point I identified with her almost completly. I would recommend you watch it but that's just me. The name escapese just now but I believe its my transgender life.

[CarolynO]

I'm exactly where you are Amanda.Been a cd'er just about all my life and have GD that sometimes raises to fever pitch and then fades way only to come back as if I'm on a rollercoaster.I too have not reached the
"I must transition or die" phase and probably never will.It's like my inner soul can't make up it's mind.Which is why I think I fall short as a TS candidate.At the same time,I don't like being male and no doubt would have been better off being born female.All this makes me strongly identify and empathize with transsexuals.

Kaitlyn,your right.When you finish the process of transition,living full time,GRS your there and there's no middle.What we're saying is we are in emotional limbo between CD and TS.

[AmandaM]

I'm with you CarolynO. It would be nice to know, to be able to define it. I really hate the ping pong effect it has on my feelings. Kinda like a bi person who is trying to force himself to be gay or straight instead of accepting being bi. Maybe I'll just call myself gender fluid for now.

[Donna Joanne]

Do you think I'm just a crossdresser obsessed with women?

Amanda, I think you need to find a therapist who is familiar with GD and transgender ed, and only then decide who and what you are. Praying for you on your journey.

Donna

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Transsexual women may have identified during their lives (I know because I am one) as CD"s....whether its fear, lack of info, shame, denial doesn't matter.. it happens all the time..
But that's not a limbo between cd and ts...that's a limbo that was in their own minds. That's why therapy can be so helpful because you really are well served to talk to knowledgeable people, to ts women, to cd's and try to get to the bottom of your own nature.
It's easier said than done as evidenced by this forum..

The "middle" between ts and cd does not exist. You are either ts or not, and only the intensity of those feelings and your circumstances will determine whether you transition if you are ts.

CD's empathize in a specific way with transsexuals because transsexuals are women...and CD's empathize with women in the same way because they are women...

I am sure many crossdressers with strong identity feelings feel a closer bond to transsexuals because it appears to be an attainable desire to make the change, its makes the fantasy part of it real.

BTW>..many of us run away from being transsexual...its really interesting to me because I've met 100's of gender conflicted people plus all the messages here for going on 7 years...

What I've observed here, in group therapy and in life is that conflicted TS women tend much more to RUN AWAY from identifying as ts women (sorry steph!) and its the cd's tend to flirt with being ts and talk about it as if its something more than what they are now...

[Empress Lainie]

When I was invited to my first tg group meeting July 3, 2007, it was the first time I had knowingly seen any transwomen. I felt totally at home there. Calling me SHE seemed to RIGHT. That night I reviewed my life, and for the first time realized, I have really been female all my life and did not even know it. I was 72 then. I did have a day or two when I thought well maybe I am in the middle of the male-female scale. That didn't last more than 12 hours. I never lived another day as a man. I immediately told everyone I knew and where I worked I was living the rest of my life as a woman. I had about 15 students from 10 up to 15 and they were all accepting. Their parents were too except for two of them. Nearly 6 years now, and I am happier with myself than i have ever been. It blew me over when shortly after transition people I didn't know would tell me I was beautiful. I always thought (when I did) I would make an ugly woman, boy was I wrong!
Yet, I have known people who prefer to live androgynously, sometimes appearing male, sometimes female yet holding on to their original male gender...and sometimes they dress you always wonder if they are male or female, I even know a female one. So there are probably some in-betweens. But I never knew but one post-op that regretted it, and she wrote a book about it.

[Angela Campbell]

BTW>..many of us run away from being transsexual...its really interesting to me because I've met 100's of gender conflicted people plus all the messages here for going on 7 years...

What I've observed here, in group therapy and in life is that conflicted TS women tend much more to RUN AWAY from identifying as ts women (sorry steph!) and its the cd's tend to flirt with being ts and talk about it as if its something more than what they are now...

This is true because no one would want this. It is a huge thing in your life which is totally out of your control. Most would do anything for it not to be this way. I tried to run from it for 50 years.

[Norah_joy]

I agree with Kaitlyn. I "run away" from identifying as a TS woman out of fear. Fear of losing my wife and family. I searched for an answer as to why I have always had the desire to dress. For me, the answer was that I am a trans woman but I knew that's not the answer my wife was able to accept. Call me a coward, but for me, I needed two answers: one for me and another for my wife. To her, its a fetish and dressing helps me to relieve stress. For me, I am a Trans woman. I cope by dressing when I can and participating in this forum. Let me add that early in my life, I "ran away" out of ignorance and shame. Self acceptance didn't happen until I was 60.

[ChelseaErtel]

I was very good as suppressing my real feelings. I thought I was a crossdresser and once I accepted that I found out I never wanted to be a man. I didn't want to act, live, or look like a man. After some therapy and some longer periods of living as a woman (three or more weeks at a time) I discovered that I in fact hate my body. It was the wrong body. When I first saw myself with a reasonably good job of hair and makeup I realized I was looking at "ME!". Then after I started removing hair I realized I felt better. After I tucked my naughty bits for the first time I found out that was the first time I was comfortable with those things. I could go on, but once I stopped suppressing and let me explore myself with help from my psychologist I accepted myself as the woman I am inside.

I started off thinking GRS would not be necessary, why expose myself to the risk of anesthesia and surgery. But now I don't even think of those things as risks anymore because I have to have the surgery. I have to start HRT, I have to do some FFS....If I didn't have a plan in place now I'd be gong nuts. My future is uncertain with my wife, but I am certain that I am a woman. Over the last six months I have been told by over ten genetic females that they though I was a genetic female or forgot I wasn't a genetic female. Several commented that I present in my voice, movement, thoughts, etc just a natural woman.

So, one thing I absolutely believe is if you have doubts if you are TS, you might not be one. Badtranny said it so I won't repeat it and she's way further along than me. I spent most of last Saturday with some of my genetic female friends and we had a lovely time. I actually forgot I had GD for most of the day. I was "just one of the girls". It has nothing to do with sex. I haven't used my naughty bits in more than seven years. But, as my psychologist says there are many different types of transgendered people. Professional help with a transgendered experienced therapist is a must if you are confused. We all feel differently on many different levels. Women will feel more girly at times, and at others just not want to bother with all the things that society expects from women. But one thing is I NEVER don't want to transition. I eat sleep and dream about my transition. I'm a women in my dreams frequently - and that always puts a morning smile on my face. It's not about the clothes, but that is a fun part, but about being who you are inside. When my wife travels I flop around the house just as she does in jeans, shorts and a top with very little makeup (Oh I look forward to no makeup after HRT and some FFS, but now I just have to hide my man face, I hate it).

Unless you just "burn", or "have to", or would just die if you don't transition, then be happy that you don't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is so painful. I you can enjoy your feminine side and get a little of that "Pink" fog than jump for joy. Just be honest with yourself and those you love.

Good luck sweetie.

[GabbiSophia]

@ Kait I just saw your comment lol..for me dressing always leads to a sexual release ..call it what you will but I find myself drawn to ts woman almost obsessed with them its a turn on. I am working it out with my therapist but I can admit I am transwhatever and it is never going away. But who cares?? I do know that the more anxiety I have the.more I want to have that release and once its over I am good. I do go periods where the stress doeant even get to me. The one thing I can say is its about happiness and I so not want to change this happiness for another.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you make great point Steph..
I used to masturbate 5x a day for the same reasons you mentioned..
I thought I was "happy"... I thought in terms of trade offs...I had a 6 figure income, a lovely wife that I loved dearly...like I said, all that just paled in comparison to how much despair I felt over who I was and how I was living

over the years I have (and I am no doctor or therapist) concluded that in the end, its about intensity of feelings and quality of life
... those things are incredibly hard to quantify with any objectivity, and unfortunately its impossible to predict the future amount of intensity..

its why the old adage "don't transition unless you have" carries so much gravitas in our world.

its why for now you are clearly doing the right thing for yourself and I really respect the way you are attacking it head on and trying to make your best quality of life..

[LeaP]

...
But that's not a limbo between cd and ts...that's a limbo that was in their own minds.

What I've observed here, in group therapy and in life is that conflicted TS women tend much more to RUN AWAY from identifying as ts women ...

It is a limbo and this is well-put. I thought of myself as a "nothing" forever, really because I could never reconcile myself to the rest of the world - so I checked out. I have tried to understand myself various ways over time, and have used several different terms, including crossdresser and TG.

The sense of not fitting anywhere, of being a nothing, in limbo – didn't disappear until I started experiencing myself as female. Getting to your "stress induced" topic, that didn't happen until I passed through a really intense self examination period and identity crisis. There were several stress triggers that started all that and I'm told by my therapist that many trans people are triggered in this way, after which it all starts cascading out in a torrent.

I ran as hard as I could psychologically to avoid the implications until it became impossible to stuff the genie back into the bottle. In retrospect, this seems like a natural and understandable reaction. After all, what could be more natural than to fight this all surfacing if you've built your life on suppressing it? You run from being a woman or transsexual because when it's real as opposed to fantasy, it can be deeply disturbing and frightening, at least at first or in some ways, some going as far as to describe the identity transition as a kind of dying as the falsity falls away. I experienced it as confusion, loss and waste, cluelessness, anxiety - as if I wasn't real any longer or, more accurately, that I never had been.

From there, stress bred even more stress. Things accelerated. At some point I went from fear of being transsexual to stress over NOT being transitioned. I.e., acceptance brings its own issues and it becomes, as Kaitlyn said, about intensity.

So, "stress induced transsexual feelings"? Yes, but not in the manner I think that implied. Instead, I see stress as a trigger and a whip, forcing the breakdown (or breakthrough) and forcing the path forward as far as it needs to go. The feelings part? Nothing has been stable for me yet. Hopefully that will be the case when I reach my stopping point, wherever that is.

[Sephina]

Wow I don't know how someone could go 50+ years I know that I've gone on 29 now and I was able to "run away" from being TS simply because I did not actually know I was TS until last year for sure I had come to this realization in 2006 as well but it was easy to bury It because I was afraid of what it would mean in my life and was afraid to add any extra drama that I thought I could avoid It but it was easy to hide from what you don't know but now that I've come to terms with being TS and knowing what that means in my life I couldn't even fathom going another 20 years, stress levels and and anxiety are At all time high I can't pretend like this doesnt exist anymore.

[Angela Campbell]

You go 50 years by spending all of your energy hiding it from the world and living in fear of being found out, and telling yourself it is impossible to do anything about it. But once the box is opened you simply cannot put it back in and things escalate in a huge way that is unstoppable.

I was also told by my therapist that usually some kind of "trigger" pushes one over the edge of where they could once handle it to the place where they cannot. Yep it worked that way with me.

[Rogina B]

you make great point Steph..
I used to masturbate 5x a day for the same reasons you mentioned..
I thought I was "happy"... I thought in terms of trade offs...I had a 6 figure income, a lovely wife that I loved dearly...like I said, all that just paled in comparison to how much despair I felt over who I was and how I was living


What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

[GabbiSophia]

What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

The way I have come to understand it the brain finds ways to eliminate anxiety.. because at the root of it that is what it is an anxiety disorder (according to Vitale and I agree that it is that in my life). So it is a stress reliever per to say. It can control your every thought if you walk down that path as I am learning and learning to kinda shrug it off. So far so good...


You go 50 years by spending all of your energy hiding it from the world and living in fear of being found out, and telling yourself it is impossible to do anything about it. But once the box is opened you simply cannot put it back in and things escalate in a huge way that is unstoppable.

In this day and age whats it matter if people know??? to be honest I haven't told any of my friends it is just my wife and I deal it's part of the package. Yes there are days I feel like I am hiding but then I tell myself no its just none of their business. Yes opening the box is a huge deal your mind floods and your feelings over whelm but who's doesn't?? who is to say that your living a lie .. its just that your past has shaped you and here you are. I for one look at my past as a device that got me here not a predictor of where I am going. Yeah there are a lot of similarities to others stories but those are theirs .. mine isn't written. Now having all the anxiety in my mind can be overwhelming when I let despair walk in and that is where the other stresses come into play. I will say that for me personally if I didn't find happiness in my life now and here I would probably be on a different path but I understand what makes me happy so when other stresses compound the problem I becoming aware of what it is for what it is.. anxiety.. its my box and I am doing my best to get out of while understanding it.. just don't look backwards with regret that will send you off the edge faster than anything .. that much I have learned from my therapist.. oo and the feeling that you have no control of the transition is not true .. I woke up this morning and every morning with the power to say I am not transitioning today ... so that's my control and my 1 cents worth..

[Rianna Humble]

It's great for you, Steph, that your dysphoria is mild enough for you to keep it in control.

That does not give you the right to criticise those for whom transition has become a matter of survival. Just because you have not yet experienced that does not give you the right to dismiss it as fantasy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

It was simply me being a woman. I didn't consciously realize that I was either "doing something" or thinking/fantasizing/wondering about/wishing about being a woman, and the next time I could present as a woman.
I had literally no inner dialog EXCEPT a trans dialog..i barely thought about anything else...and I didn't notice it..

And so the idea that I HAD to masturbate would pop into my head at any time
My thoughts were usually centered around an idealized version of me being out in the world or a real woman that I pretended to be, often a woman that I had recently seen.

For all those years I thought this meant that it was a fetish..and I would have this thought where I considered how sad it was that I had a fetish to be something I was not..

I didn't consider the possibility that I was transsexual to be real... by meeting other transsexuals I learned that this is quite common to varying degrees and I came to terms with it

I share this about myself because its a common misconception about transsexuals that this does not happen, and it actually happens a lot.

+++++

and steph rianna is so right and you are so wrong..

SOOOOO many of us had the power to not transition for many many years..then that power disappeared...it was a brutal and scary moment when that happened for most of us..

Words don't describe it well but one way to think of it is to consider how you would feel if you didn't exist, and then had to go around 24/7 and pretend that you did, with no possible way out..every single moment, with your life energy draining out of you every single day feeling more and more trapped and empty...

if you don't feel that way, then you are lucky... but its not in your control...if it was sooooo many of us would not have transitioned, so many of us would have taken the pill to make it go away...

[GabbiSophia]

Make no mistake I am not in anyway dismissing others. I am giving my thoughts and my exp. I am sorry if you took it that way and I didn't ever say my anxiety isn't high. Isn't this a place to see multiple exp and for each person to make their own descion? I figure the police to come out on my comments but their mine and I tend to keep them there. But I know that the more stress in lifw the more I am effected and wanted to share my exp. In this subject. If I wanted to judge it would get deleted really fast.

[mary something]

I do know that the more anxiety I have the.more I want to have that release and once its over I am good.

Like Kaitlyn mentioned I think this is more common than people realize with TS folks. I've experienced this before also and was very distressed by it at the time, it made me question the authenticity of the TS feelings I was having. I was worried that there was a fetishistic aspect to my feelings that maybe was confusing me and it made me doubt and question myself.

It was really helpful to me to understand physiologically what was happening that caused me to feel relief from my TS feelings for a while after I would attain release. Basically having an orgasm shuts down the prefrontal cortex of the brain and dumps loads of serotonin and other chemicals into the brain. It was an effective way for me to make the TS feelings go away for a short time because it instantly "resets" the brain. This article explains more and links to a peer reviewed research paper on the phenomenom.
http://digitaljournal.com/article/329185

Kaitlyn's description of herself could have just as easily described me at one point in my life. I was terrified that my sexuality was broken and it would cause me to question if the feelings I had were valid. In my case I even researched and asked a Dr to prescribe an ssri that has a side effect of reducing libido. I thought that if it would make the TS feelings go away then it would be a much easier solution than transitioning, and if not then at least I would know that it wasn't just some weird sexual fetish that could ruin my life. My libido went from normal to nill, and yet the need to "become" was still there. This was a pivotal thing for me to learn and I was able to draw some conclusions about myself from this.

Sexuality is one aspect of identity. If someone has a major identity conflict between who they are and what they do but refuse to acknowledge it or live in a manner true to themselves then eventually the part of their identity that needs to be expressed will do so through their sexuality. Sexuality is part of identity. We don't control our sexuality any more than someone chooses to be attracted to boys or girls, it just is. We can repress ourselves or live in denial, but that's not an effective way of controlling our sexuality because by it's very nature our sexuality stems from the deepest parts of our brain. The BSTc region of the brain is necessary for sexual feelings http://discovermagazine.com/1996/jan/transsexualbrain681#.UcRZk_lvO_g

If you read this article then you'll see this info midpage "The researchers chose to study the BSTc because previous research in rodents had shown that it plays a pivotal role in sexual behavior: remove it from a rat and the animal will show no interest whatsoever in sex."

I learned that I was using orgasm as a way of resetting my brain to fight the very sexual nature that shared the same physiological causation as my TS feelings.

Have you ever used Windows 98? You know how unstable that operating system could be after it had been installed for a while, constant blue screens and errors. The user would have to reboot constantly to keep the software running.

Orgasm triggers chemical processes in the brain that help us deal with feelings that can't be contained. The longer someone uses this process to relieve the feelings the less effective each time is though. That is why it starts to get out of hand, mulitple times a day are soon necessary for the same effect that once every few days used to bring.

The real question is does this make you happy and how long can you continue this and be happy?

[Rianna Humble]

Steph, I have no problem with you sharing your experience, but with respect, you did dismiss others when you said
the feeling that you have no control of the transition is not true

The fact that you have control over whether you transition proves that:

1 Your dysphoria is mild enough to keep it under control
2 You should not transition because you don't need to

But just because you don't need to transition does not mean that those of us who do need to are not telling the truth as implied by your quote

[AmandaM]

Interesting posts. But a question pops into my mind. How do you know if you have stress and anxiety because you are really transsexual in denial, or your stress and anxieties couple themselves to transgender feelings, no matter how small, and magnify them? If the former is true, you are transsexual. If the latter is true, then maybe some who seek SRS are doing it for the wrong reasons, i.e., they "think" they are TS, but aren't.

[Frances]

^^^^^The answer is therapy and lots of it.

[Badtranny]

they "think" they are TS, but aren't.

The only real barometer is transition. It's as simple as that.

You can SAY anything you want, but what you DO is the true measure of who you are. Nobody sane would transition unless they felt compelled to live that way. Most of the people who lay claim to transsexualism but can't muster the seeds to transition wouldn't even tell the guys they play basketball with on the weekends that they feel like a woman inside. They will definitely not come out at work. Only people who feel it in their hearts are able to make the commitment to dropping the dude act. People that are on the fence need to ask themselves some honest questions. Are you scared, or are you not sure? Scared is normal. Not sure means something else. I was terrified, but I knew who I was. I knew I was living a lie and I was finished with it.

A transsexual wants to come out. They want to tell the world who they are. They want to stop pretending to be something they're not. If you do not sincerely want to come out, then you need to seriously ponder why.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

One thing to remember is that this place is just a forum
Talk is cheap.

It is a very common occurrence to talk about transition and SRS here, and its really easy to talk about it as if its in your future or something you desire "someday" or "if circumstances allow it" or as something you desire but you value other things above it..

It is a very rare occurrence for people to ACTIVELY seek out SRS and actually transition when they are not transsexual....and that's because life is a lot harder than therapy and forum discussions..

[Amy A]

A transsexual wants to come out. They want to tell the world who they are. They want to stop pretending to be something they're not. If you do not sincerely want to come out, then you need to seriously ponder why.

I agree completely; I remember when I first posted in the transexual forum, when I was very confused, and I effectively asked 'Am I transexual?'. Rianna posted a reply that ran something along the lines of 'if you are too scared of loss/peoples reactions/stigma etc to transition, then you probably should'nt'.

At the time I took it in the wrong way, but she was absolutely right. In the end I was incapable of coping with people not knowing who I really am, and not being able to be who I wanted to be, so I told everyone; friends, family, employers and colleagues. I quickly realised two things: that a lot of the barriers to me living as I wanted to were in fact of my own creation, and that the thought of growing into an old man filled with regret (Inception reference there!) scared me a heck of a lot more than the prospect of transitioning, which in itself scares the **** out of me.

I lost the love of my life to this, and if there had been any other way, any path whereby I could have 'chosen' to cope with it, I would've taken it. It just quite simply got to the point where I felt I had no choice. I'm happy for those who have found a 'middle path', but it just wasn't an option for me if I wanted to live beyond 33.

[AmandaM]

The only real barometer is transition. It's as simple as that.


Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

[Frances]

^^^^Yes, until it becomes overwhelming. I delayed it for 40 years.

[Kathryn Martin]

... a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

I should keep out of it, I should just keep out of it..... you know, I'll just keep out of it, phew......

[emma5410]

I do not know how many people choose to transition when they could happily continue to live as a man. I wish I had had that choice. I was terrified of transitioning and five months in I am still struggling with lots of issues. I find it hard to understand people who talk of transitioning at some point in the future. Some people seem to be in some sort of perpetual waiting room. We all have our own experiences and live our own lives I guess.
I do not think anyone who is not full time has any inkling of what transitioning involves. Believe me, taking hormones and having electrolysis while still dressing as a man for work or whatever is not transitioning.

[Badtranny]

Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

Amanda I don't know what's in your brain, your heart, or your pants but you don't know any of that about me either.

Nobody knows anything about anyone beyond what they see. Do people see you? I mean, really? I transitioned because I wanted to be seen.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hiding. It's as simple as that.

[mary something]

Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

of course it is Amanda! I don't see anyone in this discussion who didn't wait to transition. Were they still a TS before they transitioned? In my opinion of course they were but that's not the crux of the matter.

Frances told you exactly what to do to help and that's find a therapist you can open up to. You need to find out if the dog is wagging it's tail or if the tail is wagging the dog.

I think that going into transition with a clear head and good understanding of yourself will help minimize a lot of problems later, if you find out that you can live a happier life simply by altering your gender expression and avoid a full transition then that would be the best solution. You gotta do what's best for YOU.

Don't worry about proving to anyone else what you are, just focus on peeling away the layers of the onion and understanding you.

You seem to be having trouble understanding the nature of feelings and that they are always subject to change. In order for us to understand who we are it's really helpful to have someone outside us to have a dialogue with so that as feelings change and flip flop back and forth it's much easier to make sense of them. A therapist is a great person for this role since you have nothing to lose by being completely honest with them.

We are not our feelings, but our feelings are an important clue to who we are.

If you decide that you can only transition when you've hit rock bottom and the other choice is death then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy most likely if you happen to have a TS nature that is strong enough to need to transition in a hostile society.

I encourage you to get into therapy and understand yourself better so you can manage these feelings in the best way for you with the least amount of fallout later.

No one plans to fail but many fail to plan.

Try to avoid the trap of hiding and living in denial until you have to blow up your life to get enough relief to keep living. Being TS isn't like the boy scouts, there are no merit badges for people who suffer more than others. As Amy said most of the barriers that are perceived to avoid transitioning are self created. Start understanding yourself NOW and trying to find what your best solution is.

If your TS nature is strong enough then like people say you will eventually reach the point where you can't manage it anymore. There is a dangerous trap to your future happiness if you allow things to get that bad before acting because you will spend a long time after the fact justifying your actions as necessary when inside you will wonder if they really were. The GID feelings will go away and people by nature's design aren't very good at remembering pain, this creates a scenario where doubt can creep in. Work on your doubts NOW, with a therapist.

[AmandaM]

Yeah, I've been questioning myself since early childhood. I remember being 4 years old and playing with marbles. The girl marbles were turning the boy marbles into girls and they were all happy. Why would a little kid play that game? And I've crossdressed since that age. But then, the "fetish" part loomed and I became seriously fetishistic (even before puberty). Still I don't feel a great need to transition "at all times". Sometimes it looms hard on me, other times, meh. I started this thread, like lots of similar threads, in order to learn about myself by comparing notes with others. I've had therapy a few times, and still no answers. I'm not seeking a label, I'm seeking to define myself. I don't have many answers from this thread either, but it does help me solidify some inklings in my brain. So, for what it's worth, thanks for that. It does help.

[dreamer_2.0]

This is true because no one would want this. It is a huge thing in your life which is totally out of your control. Most would do anything for it not to be this way. I tried to run from it for 50 years.

This sounds about right. Having not been officially diagnosed as TS as of yet, my comments dont carry much weight, though I do know the GD is quite stress inducing. While a huge part of me wants to pursue transition, the practical side of me doesn't and wants these thoughts, feelings, and stressors to disappear. Mere CDing helps a bit but actually exacerbates the GD because these clothes aren't meant for males. Looking in the mirror is a painful reminder of that...yet I continue to do it (the dressing, but avoiding mirrors).

I want to be female, not a male wanting to be female.

Guess I'm in the running from, denial, ashamed, stage (assuming I'm TS, but I don't know anything for certain). Fortunately though, my therapist has referred me to a specialist. unfortunately though, our first appointment is a couple weeks away. Until then the stress continues. Actually, it'll probably continue for a long time.

I really enjoy reading other people's posts in threads like this. It's nice hearing the commonalities between us and knowing we aren't alone.

[LeaP]

Dreamer, a diagnosis is useful for access to things like hormones, but not always necessary for that, either, depending on the doctor writing the prescription. My doctor does want the diagnosis on the HRT recommendation letter. YMMV.

Beyond that, the diagnosis doesn't do anything but establish a medical stake in the ground that may be useful in the future by showing a treatment trail that may be needed for insurance (provincial coverage in your case), etc. If you ever move to SRS, you will need multiple diagnoses, one by a PhD or MD - at least that's what the standards of care call for.

No SRS? No need for a diagnosis, though some find it validating. It doesn't define you. As a medical pronouncement, it's nothing more than a partial view into who you are.

[dreamer_2.0]

SRS would be necessary as one of the stress inducers is hanging between my legs.

[Tina955]

Another confused one here. All I know is I spend every waking minute envying women. Never was comfortable with my own body.
After 3 years alone as a widower, I am thinking of becoming a woman more than I think about meeting and having a relationship with a woman
Going to take the advise to see a therapist. Because this is all consuming to the point where it just won't go away.

Tina

Noticed quite a few on the fence and floating somewhere in between.
Was wondering if say you had no family or friends to speak of, would you be more apt to contemplate transitioning. Or would that make no difference? Now this is coming from someone who hasn't seen a therapist yet. But at this time my thinking is in a heart beat. This is just a hypothetical question and I am happy that I do have family and always love them more than anything in the world. Would say I love them more than myself, but that wouldn't be saying much right now.

Tina

[Luna Nyx]

i feel both all the time. I like my boy bits but there are times where i feel they are wrong. If i could have both i would. but im just as confused as everyone else. I feel like i only get that way when things are going very wrong in my life.

[dreamer_2.0]

Another confused one here. All I know is I spend every waking minute envying women. Never was comfortable with my own body.
After 3 years alone as a widower, I am thinking of becoming a woman more than I think about meeting and having a relationship with a woman
Going to take the advise to see a therapist. Because this is all consuming to the point where it just won't go away.

Tina

Very similar here, minus the widower part. Been single for close to 4 years, haven't made any serious attempts to be with another woman but constantly envy them. Actually, it goes beyond envy as I have this unwarranted anger towards women.


Noticed quite a few on the fence and floating somewhere in between.
Was wondering if say you had no family or friends to speak of, would you be more apt to contemplate transitioning. Or would that make no difference? Now this is coming from someone who hasn't seen a therapist yet. But at this time my thinking is in a heart beat. This is just a hypothetical question and I am happy that I do have family and always love them more than anything in the world. Would say I love them more than myself, but that wouldn't be saying much right now.

Tina

Having distanced myself from the majority of friends I'm partially there. Family is still around though which I'm thankful for...mostly. If friends and family weren't in the equation? It would certainly make the decision to transition easier although the general public is still around making things still quite scary.

If it were possible to transition privately then there's no question or hesitation that I'd do it. Don't think that's an option though.

[Angela Campbell]

That is one of the things my therapist asked me on the first meeting. If you want to transition but are scared to or have reasons not to like family or employment, what would the decision be if those items were not on the table. If they were not there at all would you transition? In my case if I didn't have any family and was independent financially.

My answer was if they could do the surgery today I am ready to go right this minute. You see when it comes right down to it these were just excuses I was using to give in to fear. This lead me to a lot of thinking.

[mary something]

You see when it comes right down to it these were just excuses I was using to give in to fear.

Most of the barriers to transition are self imposed. That's not to say that there aren't real consequences to transitioning, because there are. There are real consequences to any decision in life, even indecision.

The word transition means change over time. If you're unhappy now and find yourself constantly having an inner dialog about gender or feeling envious of women for the fact that they get to be female and you don't then that is an important clue to who you are. It doesn't mean you should necessarily go straight and have srs, but it does mean it's time to see a therapist before things get worse.

How much change and over what period of time is best decided by the individual who is feeling the stress of not being authentic. Pay attention to your feelings, but don't let them rule you, because they can change quickly and flip flop over time back and forth again.

If you feel like you would transition for sure if there were no consequences then that is an important thing to remember about yourself. In my opinion it means that specifically you could benefit from working with a therapist on accepting your feelings and considering your options, then making a plan to live a better life in incremental steps to find your comfort zone. It could wind up with a complete gender and social role change or something less, the choice is yours.

[Angela Campbell]

Actually Mary, that is exactly what I have been doing. It is going well as a matter of fact. I still do not know how far it is going to lead me because I cannot see the future, but nothing is out of the question. I am in transition with a plan and I am taking it slow...mostly because I cannot do it quick.

Dreamer, don't think you have to be in a hurry. Sometimes it just takes a while to find where you want to go.

[mary something]

I love that Ellen - " I am taking it slow mostly because I cannot do it quick".

[Sephina]

I've seen a few posts here suggesting that "IF YOU ARE TRANSSEXUAL THEN YOU WOULD DO THIS" if you dont then your not, well id say whoa Nelly on those type of comments, i mean i know im not very experienced in this as opposed to others who actually have transitioned, but i think isn't that one of the things that we get so angry with others doing? making absolute statements? i mean i know how i feel but i don't know how others feel, so maybe someone is TS and leading toward transition but for whatever reason they feel they cant right now or don't think its plausible due to situations in their life i wouldn't say that they aren't TS i don't honestly think this is a black and white issue, in the sense that we know that we are female/ male inside but not outside but i don't think that if one doesn't transition i don't think that makes their claim to be Transsexual a sham. Like i said i don't know. i am not an expert i don't think really anyone is not even gender therapists that have had years of experience dealing with issues related to this, i think that transsexualism even tho its pretty well as old as the world is i don't really think that there is a real "CLEAR" definition or answer out there i think that as a species we are just starting to understand the phenomenon, but because we know more then we did 10 years ago we want to claim mastery over it i dont think its that simple i dont think this is a black and white issue i really don't however that's just my views i could be wrong but there it is.

[GirlieAmanda]

I thought I was "just a crossdresser" from age 13 till age 40. Then, I was released from my marriage. I always wondered what would happen if I could do what I wanted. Well, I think I got my answer. When the barriers came down, the floodgates opened. I realized that all along I was just trying to deny that I was TS. I wasn't sure how to proceed. Meeting others like me, FINALLY, made a huge difference. Then, meeting 3 TS girls who became friends was the straw that broke the camel's back. They showed me HOW to be a TS. I started transition a couple of months later. That was nearly two years ago.

[Badtranny]

i don't think that makes their claim to be Transsexual a sham. .

I don't think it's a sham either. People feel how they feel and I'm certainly not qualified to tell them what those feelings mean. My point is simple, every TS girl I know has transitioned or is transitioning. Have I ever met one who is not? I don't know, if I have or not, I mean, how can you tell?

If someone is aching to transition but they can't, I feel sorry for them, but the very fact that they are NOT transitioning separates them from the girls I know. How do you relate to someone who is part-time? The lifestyle is completely different. I don't make judgments, I don't even really care, except that there IS a distinction between those that are transitioning and those that are not. Why they're not, is none of my concern, I'm sure they have some very good reasons.

[Tina955]

Trying to understand. If you haven't started transition, then you are not TS? So you are not considered TS until you start to transition?


Tina

[Kaitlyn Michele]

This sounds about right. Having not been officially diagnosed as TS as of yet, my comments dont carry much weight, though I do know the GD is quite stress inducing. While a huge part of me wants to pursue transition, the practical side of me doesn't and wants these thoughts, feelings, and stressors to disappear. Mere CDing helps a bit but actually exacerbates the GD because these clothes aren't meant for males. Looking in the mirror is a painful reminder of that...yet I continue to do it (the dressing, but avoiding mirrors).

I want to be female, not a male wanting to be female.

Guess I'm in the running from, denial, ashamed, stage (assuming I'm TS, but I don't know anything for certain). Fortunately though, my therapist has referred me to a specialist. unfortunately though, our first appointment is a couple weeks away. Until then the stress continues. Actually, it'll probably continue for a long time.

I really enjoy reading other people's posts in threads like this. It's nice hearing the commonalities between us and knowing we aren't alone.

Your comments carry plenty of weight. THey are direct, informational and honest.

+++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++

Sephina I analyze Melissa's comments about experience and the practical realities of life. Talk is cheap. Melissa feels sorry for folks, me too. How crazy is it to feel sorry for people that didn't marginalize themselves in this world in return for authenticity!!!

It may not feel good to non transitioners that identify as transsexuals....trust me feeling not good about those comments is going to be the smallest problem in your life..

There is no way to look back with hindsight and change things..or to predict your feelings in years to come...and although we all tend to speak in absolutes there are probably a couple of exceptions.
but basically those of us that transitioned after our 20's all experience the exact same thing... and its horrible.

Whether it hits in your 30's, 40's or later....assuming you are transsexual all the talk about controlling it and how much you love your wife will get flushed down the toilet..all you've invested into a male life becomes cruelly empty and unless you act relatively quickly or decisively your quality of life will hit rock bottom and you will look up from the bottom of a bottomless pit and wonder how you are going to climb out, then decide whether you'd rather live or die...that's what its like...


and if you think "not me" talk to the ladies in their 60's and 70's here..they said "not me" too..

[Marleena]

This thread is refreshing in the fact the OP is not in a panic mode. Far too often we have people in meltdown mode convinced they're TS and ready for SRS right away without even seeing a gender therapist. Talking common sense to them is met with anger instead and ends up an exercise in futility.

I'm one of the older people now transitioning late in life. I did attempt to transition in my twenties on my own and now realize how dangerous that was. It was desperation though. You see back in the sixties and seventies it was difficult to find any help in transitioning, support groups, etc. Most of us suppressed it as a coping mechanism and we hit the wall later in life. It is very common.

What I can tell you is I rather not be TS. I'm taking this slow and don't know where I'll end up but I had to do something. So.. I'm a newbie basically with lots to learn myself. HRT has changed my life for the better in many ways so I know I'm on the right track.

[Rianna Humble]

I've seen a few posts here suggesting that "IF YOU ARE TRANSSEXUAL THEN YOU WOULD DO THIS" if you dont then your not

I have reviewed the whole thread up to the post that I have quoted and I have not seen anyone say that. If you can find post(s) which say that or which call someone's claim to be transsexual a sham, and which I have missed, please report them.

There have been posts saying that if you don't want to transition or if you like being male part of the time then you may want to consider the reasons for this, but that is not telling someone that they are not TS simply because they do not behave in a particular way.

For those of us who are transitioning or who have transitioned, things are very black & white. It would also be extremely wrong for one of us to try to push someone down the road of transition simply because they have not considered the alternatives. I'm not sure where you personally stand, but there are other posters in this thread who have suggested that they thought they might be TS because they had not considered the possibility of being bi-gender. to push one of these to transition would be to do them the worst possible disservice.

As you state that you have not begun to transition, you currently have no idea what that is like. If you did have, you would understand why transitioners see things so clearly and try to discourage people who have no need to transition from making a mistake.

Rianna Humble
Moderator Transsexual Forums and Safe Haven

[Badtranny]

Trying to understand. If you haven't started transition, then you are not TS? So you are not considered TS until you start to transition?

This is apparently a really difficult concept to grasp, so let me try and reduce it to its essence. It doesn't matter if you're TS or not, if you're NOT going to transition.

When I see a transitioner on the street, I immediately identify with that person. I don't ask them if they are TS. I know what they are because I can see it. They may be a completely different person, but they are experiencing some of the same stuff that I am. They are being stared at, or whispered about, or having a mom sort of steer her kids away from you. We have a kinship, and even if we have nothing else in common. We have that, and it's pretty big and pretty rare.

If you're NOT transitioning, then how in the world is anybody supposed to know that you "would be if only"? Because you say so? If we met at a party and you told me that you were a transsexual too, how do you think I'm going to feel about you when you give me your business card and it's a dude's name? Or refuse to give me your card altogether because "you're closeted". Or if you're hanging out with a group of us, and we are all leaving to grab a drink and you don't go because "that's a place where I might see people I work with".

Why is it so hard to understand that transitioning is a whole different experience from BEING transsexual. Why all the histrionics to convince people on the internet that you are sooooooo transsexual? What you are isn't the point, what you DO is what I'm interested in. I want to hear your experience with transitioning, because that is an experience that I share. If we're not talking about the trials and tribulations of transition then what is the TS forum for? So we can have people talk about what they WOULD do? So we can talk about wearing panties because that's how you can "feel better without transitioning"?

This is a forum for fellowship, and maybe support. I like to read about people that are like me and how they handle this wacky life. I like to give honest reports about my own experience for my girls that are going through, or will be going through the same stuff. What do I have to learn from or impart to someone who is not transitioning? They have no idea what my life is like.

As far as I'm concerned everyone on the forum including the fetish sissies could very well be TS. Who cares?

[Angela Campbell]

Perhaps some of the "support" is for those who are at the pre transition stage, or maybe so someone who may or may not transition can learn what they can about transition. Some who will eventually transition will go kicking and screaming because they are terrified of what they will go through. It doesn't mean they won't and it doesn't mean they will, it just means that a threshold has not yet been crossed. Transition is that threshold. It scares the crap out of you and rightly so.

We all have our own reasons as to why we do or do not, but I can understand how someone may not know yet. To the point of the OP, as Misty said ...it makes no difference if you are ts or not. It only matters if you transition.

Stress has never caused me to have "ts feelings" or "urges" nor has stress ever made me want to wear any particular clothes. I was born with whatever this is and it has been pretty constant and growing all of my life. It never really comes and goes. (at least for me)

[dreamer_2.0]

Would it be safe to say this "black and white" scenario would come to those after they come to understand themselves more and accept themselves? Was it always black and white for you or did you go through various stages like questioning, denial, etc? I imagine it would have been quite clear for some prior to transition but not for everyone. I believe a few previous comments have addressed this already. Some of you ran but others started relatively early in life.

For those who have or are currently transitioning, may i ask what stress levels were like prior to starting your journey? Did transitioning alleviate that stress? Did transitioning introduce more stress?

For those who have completed their transition, I understand transitioning can be quite challenging, how would you describe your life now compared to before you began?

[Angela Campbell]

I don't even know if stress is the right word for it. There was something there from childhood, it grew, slowly almost imperceptibly but still grew to the point it could not be ignored. It caused me to live an isolated life. Never having friends, never trusting anyone, never being happy. Not even knowing what happy is. It boiled and boiled until it overflowed. That is when I finally chose transition over the excuses I had of why I could not.

Once I made this choice, it settled down, as long as I am working toward a goal and make some kind of progress. Working with therapists was progress, electrolysis is progress, HRT is progress, making plans on other things that are still in the future is progress. There is still stress as it takes a long time but it is manageable now. Some days I feel like I am not making progress and the feelings return, but most days it is ok. There is also fear induced stress, but it is not as bad as what the other one is.

Sometimes it just feels like I am living in a nightmare. It always feels like I am all alone.

[dreamer_2.0]

Sometimes it just feels like I am living in a nightmare. It always feels like I am all alone.

Heh. I was kind of hoping the nightmare feelings would go away leaving feelings of peace. Perhaps it does for some. Still though, comments like this make me hope I'm not TS and the specialist can help me accept life as a male.

Thank you for your response.

[stefan37]

For me it was never black and white. My own feelings about my gender aside, I was able to mitigate and hold my inner urges with various coping mechanisms many of them unhealthy at bay for the 50+ years I was cognizant of being different. Going to therapy and being told it was ok to feel as I did and what I needed to do to improve my quality of life. I have fought against it and in some ways still may be. My motivating factor for such a fierce fight and struggle was because of my wife. She is a remarkable woman I have spent 33+ years of my life with. She means the world to me and my decision to transition has seriously harmed her and our relationship. I do not feel good about that and it has caused me much anguish because of the course of events over the past year I have been on HRT.

Had I not been married my course of action would have much different with much less anguish. But for me once I realized what I needed to do I took action and hrt for me was a life saver. My anxiety went from a +10-0 within 3 days. I have been more comfortable with myself and I am capable of handling stress and accomplishing things I would have been incapable of years earlier. For me transition is the best thing I can do for myself and although I am still relatively early in my transition it has come at great cost. My relationship with my wife as we knew it before hrt is over and it will never be the same. We are navigating the difficult process of my socialization as a woman and her acceptance of those changes. It is not easy and we are almost always traveling a road filled with ruts and potholes that swallow an elephant. I had mentioned in another post about an individual in my support group that goes by a male name, lives and works as a male, desires no hrt or body modifications yet self identifies as a ts. Why someone not transitioning would want to declare themselves ts escapes me, but so be it. I have no connection to this individual other than he may be transgendered, but our experiences are nowhere close. He is part time and when things get rough can go back to the safe port of his own birth gender. i will have no such luxury. In many ways I am at the point of no return and after my name change becomes legal this summer, I will only have whatever sheltered cove I can find for solace. There will be no hiding behind my birth gender.

Someone mentioned in another thread and it is so right on the money. We spend our time hiding and suppressing our true selves only to transition and make it all public. My family, friends, all my employees, most of my close clients all know my commitment to transition to the opposite gender. Is it scary, hell yeah it is but there is also joy in allowing myself to be seen and not have to hide anymore. I usually have to restrain myself from blurting out to those I just met I am actively transitioning. I have learned that only those close to me or that will become a part of my life need to know. There is much sadness, but it is tempered by the joy that your are improving the quality of your life, even though it may not seem like it at the time. 2 things are so true about transition. Only transition when it becomes absolutely imperative it has to be undertaken and transition will cure you of gd and allow you to live an authentic life. All your other problems in life will remain. Your happiness is not guaranteed and it very well mean your are unhappy for reasons unrelated to your gender identity. If you successfully transition to whatever degree you need to your unhappiness about your gender identity will disappear. The energy you consumed dealing with gd can now be channeled into other areas you may be having difficulty with.

[Angela Campbell]

Heh. I was kind of hoping the nightmare feelings would go away leaving feelings of peace. Perhaps it does for some. Still though, comments like this make me hope I'm not TS and the specialist can help me accept life as a male.

Thank you for your response.

Keep in mind I am at the very beginning of transition, I have a million more miles to go. Every step makes it a little easier but there are so many steps I have to take and it may take years. Likely as it built up over years it will also take years to get to a comfortable place.

I can't find any "be a girl right now" pills.