bad news, worse news

[VAWyman]

Bad news, wife found my "stash" this week,
worse news, it was trash day, it ALL went out to the curb. I haven't a stitch left.

SOooo, I gotta lay low for a while. Hopefully I can get to this site quietly occassionally.

[Raychel]

Oh No, That is not good at all. Bigger question, is your wife still talking to you???
I hope it all works out OK for you. :hugs:

[angela2112]

That's a real bummer. Take it she doesn't like your dressing ?

[daarleane]

History repeats itself one more time. Hopefully you and your wife can calmly talk about this. Wish you the best of luck.

[BillieAnneJean]

Too bad you can't take her jeans, pants, sweats, and hoodies "to the curb".

I feel for you. This "hobby" is very much disfavored by anyone not competely comfortable with change, their own sexual situation, and their own self esteem.

Find a support group.

[Majella St Gerard]

that sucks, how would she feel if you threw her clothes away, huh? Don't be bullied.

[rachel_rachel]

Personally, If my wife ever tried that.. She'd be the one out on her arse.
I pay the bills, I provide for the family.. What I do is what I do and my own business, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, and my kids aren't exposed to it.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Bad Times!:sad: Sorry you had to endure an "unintentional purge."

[Alberta_Pat]

It is sad when this happens.

I wonder if this is the opportunity to have her come along and help you to buy some new clothes. Who knows, her involvement may make a bit of a difference.

[Angela Campbell]

This is not a crossdressing problem, it is a control problem. It is mean and thoughtless. It is a lack of respect. Being upset is understandable but to throw out something that belongs to you is not.

[RADER]

That's not fair; ask her if you threw out all her jeans, what would she think.
I know that is not the answer, but I wonder what she would have said anyway.
Good luck.
Rader

[donnalee]

WTF?? What makes her think she can take your personal property and trash it? She is acting like a bully and what is worse you are encouraging her by letting her get away with it!
Therapy is in order but find a therapist who has experience with gender issues; don't get steered to some church quack. You two need a referee, just make sure it's an impartial one.
Hugs,
Donna

[Chari]

So sad! Please do not give up your desire to "dress" as it is a part of your femme side and who you are, but definitely find a new more secure place to hide your "stash".

[Stevie]

Sorry to hear that. To be upset and not agree is one thing but throwing away someone's possessions without there permission is another. That is just not right.

[JenniferR771]

Sigh. Not so different from the early ears at my house. My wife recently pressured me to get rid of about half of my 35 dresses. Put them in a bag and took them to a donation center. But it give me a good excuse to go shopping.

[Ashley Lyn]

I woulda' been upset, to say the least.. Thus, why she knew about Ashley's 'dressing' prior to marriage..
I'm thinking a 'sit down with your bride' is in order.. and future plans for a 'shopping trip'..

[Anita_2]

I think you would talk to your wife. When I dont know later maybe. Than the best explanation is that you are female fetish oriented - menas "I like women (not a man) and I like all what is in connection with women and that is a reason why I am dressing" (ok that is maybe not thruth but in my expirience 70% women will accept that). Next stage is negotiation about tights and stockings - if she accept that you will wear tight or stockings than is only question of time when she will accept all. That is my expirience with women - lot of women are not shure about his female side or feminity that is a reason why they put a line "this is for male dressing and this is for female dressing" so they are more shure that they are women enough. Dont go in conflict anyway. That is only my expirience with more than 20 women in my life which were clear that I am CD. And important tell her that you are not interested in sex with man only with women (that is important). Good luck.

[FrillyShelly]

But the good news............. is that you get to start shopping again !!

[michelleddg]

I'm seeing a lot of sympathetic responses, but what is the back story? Could be the same set up as the movie "Just Like A Woman" - wife knows nothing about husband's obsession, finds stash, assumes he's having an affair and chucks "the other woman's" gear. Full story, please! Hugs, Michelle

[Stephanie47]

Just curious, was there any female breakdown? Did your wife ask all those questions about sexuality? Cry? I see you're my age (66). If you've been married for a long time hasn't your wife seen your positive attributes over the years. Somehow I see a female bully here. A control freak. I would think most unknowing women would have a meltdown before tossing the clothes.

[docrobbysherry]

With how little info you've given here, it would be easy to jump to conclusions, Vicky. Which seems to be the case reading the above posts. So, I'll add another.

She doesn't sound like an SO. More like your warden? Happy marriages don't have one party unilaterally acting as she did. So, I'll take another leap and assume yours is not?

[Lorileah]

Sorry you lost the clothing. Have you learned anything from it? Lesson 1- Don't sneak around behind your wife's back. Get it out in the open NOW. Be honest (since you weren't before). Find a common ground Lesson 2- Your wife is controlling and selfish. Throwing out what does not belong to her because she is mad? She needs to work on this issue. Rage is not pretty and it does not belong in a relationship. Again you need to discuss this. If you threw such a tantrum you would probably be at the curb or worse. This IS a form of domestic violence. Even though you were sneaking and hiding and lying she should not destroy what isn't hers.

This is two wrongs which make a bigger wrong. You have a lot of 'splainin' to do. I know you came here for support and this is the support I offer...Get OUT of the closet, Own what you are, talk to your wife BEFORE this type of thing happens.

[flatlander_48]

It is time for the painful truth as there can be no denial. There really isn't any other option unless you are going to start packing the rest of your clothes.

Good Luck to you both...

[Erica2Sweet]

...This IS a form of domestic violence...

I've never read anything like that or heard this before. Do you have a source for this?

[giuseppina]

Erica, destroying a partner's property by any means is bullying, a form of interpersonal violence. It has no place in a healthy relationship.

[VAWyman]

Oh No, That is not good at all. Bigger question, is your wife still talking to you???
I hope it all works out OK for you. :hugs:

Yes, still talking, but very short with me.

[Angie G]

That just sucks Victoria. I don't think I could let that go.:hugs:
Angie

[VAWyman]

That's a real bummer. Take it she doesn't like your dressing ?

Doesn't like is putting it mildly.

[Jacqueline Winona]

[QUOTE=Lorileah;3220934]Lesson 1- Don't sneak around behind your wife's back. Get it out in the open NOW. Be honest (since you weren't before). Find a common ground Lesson 2- Your wife is controlling and selfish. Throwing out what does not belong to her because she is mad? She needs to work on this issue. Rage is not pretty and it does not belong in a relationship. Again you need to discuss this. If you threw such a tantrum you would probably be at the curb or worse. This IS a form of domestic violence. Even though you were sneaking and hiding and lying she should not destroy what isn't hers.

{QUOTE]
Hmm. Re: Lesson 1, that presumes her reaction would have been different. Based on how she did react, I can certainly understand why VAWyman didn't bring this up. Not saying "sneaking around" is always the best way to dress, but being open and up front doesn't work for everyone either.
VaWyman, you got caught, her reaction is common. It certainly isn't the best way to start talking about this but I agree with Lorileah and others that now you really don't have a lot of options.
Re: lesson 2: As someone who is an advocate for DV victims, I'm having a tough time with that conclusion. It is wrong on many levels, but I wouldn't call it that. If it happens repeatedly, or if she used this to humiliate her husband by outing him, then its a closer call.

[Beverley Sims]

It happened to me once many years ago.
Got the stash back because the trash man was into recycling and there was a lot of good stuff there. The wife never bothered to do that again.

[VAWyman]

Sorry you lost the clothing. Have you learned anything from it? Lesson 1- Don't sneak around behind your wife's back. Get it out in the open NOW. Be honest (since you weren't before). Find a common ground Lesson 2- Your wife is controlling and selfish. Throwing out what does not belong to her because she is mad? She needs to work on this issue. Rage is not pretty and it does not belong in a relationship. Again you need to discuss this. If you threw such a tantrum you would probably be at the curb or worse. This IS a form of domestic violence. Even though you were sneaking and hiding and lying she should not destroy what isn't hers.

This is two wrongs which make a bigger wrong. You have a lot of 'splainin' to do. I know you came here for support and this is the support I offer...Get OUT of the closet, Own what you are, talk to your wife BEFORE this type of thing happens.

Thats part of the problem. I was fine until I came out to her back in Nov/Dec last year. I was tired of hiding my crossdressing. It was not received well, and we have been at loggerheads ever since.

[Angela Campbell]

In this case she has no reason to be angry but you do.

[VAWyman]

She has repeatedly threatened to put me to our family and friends if I dont quit. Whether she would or not is a different matter. I dont think she has thought that far ahead. She already has a very low opinion of herself and has since we first met.


In this case she has no reason to be angry but you do.

I'm not the type to get angry, or to get even. I figure that whatever happens, happens for a reason. She throws out my CD clothing? Bummer! I'll just wait a few weeks and start over. I just have to find a better hiding place.



She doesn't sound like an SO. More like your warden? Happy marriages don't have one party unilaterally acting as she did. So, I'll take another leap and assume yours is not?

Good guess, Sherry. I married "for better or worse." I figure we both got a lot of the worse. We both came into this marriage with a lot of baggage. We were both molested as toddlers, she by a family member, me by a gang of homosexuals. (Sorry, everyone, but facts are facts. I've moved on and have no problems with that lifestyle. I just avoid anyone of that nature if avoidance us an option. If not, i make the best of the situation and have some friends that are LGBT.)

[RenneB]

Too bad you can't take her jeans, pants, sweats, and hoodies "to the curb".

I feel for you. This "hobby" is very much disfavored by anyone not competely comfortable with change, their own sexual situation, and their own self esteem.

Find a support group.

I'm with Billie on this one. She took your clothes that she doesn't like you wearing, tit for tat, I'd take her clothes that you don't like her wearing to the curb too....

Renne.....

[mikiSJ]

Victoria - chit!

I hope you were able to save that cute dress in your avatar!

[darla_g]

that is so uncool and so disrespectful

[VAWyman]

I'm seeing a lot of sympathetic responses, but what is the back story? Could be the same set up as the movie "Just Like A Woman" - wife knows nothing about husband's obsession, finds stash, assumes he's having an affair and chucks "the other woman's" gear. Full story, please! Hugs, Michelle

Hmmmm, full story, huh? Well, here goes....
I remember playing with other children in the neighborhood and several were girls, all about my age, maybe 5-6 years old. We would play house and because there were more pants than dresses (I was the only boy) I would dress as the woman and they would dress as the man. I don't remember feeling weird or different in any way, but I do remember doing it and being OK with it. As time went by, I would dress often in my mother's clothes and that kept up until I went to the service. It pretty much stopped at that time, but returned after I married and started buying clothing for my new wife. I would occasionally try on her clothes before she received them. That was pretty much the extend of my dressing, borrowing my wife's clothes. She started to suspect something (she says) but I was pretty good at hiding it.

Late last year (Nov/Dec 2012) I decided that it was time to out myself to her and started writing out what to say and how to say it. I made the mistake of leaving it on the printer one day, she found it and went ballistic. Part of her rant was to tell me that I was to leave her "stuff" alone, if I wanted to dress, to get my own "stuff." (She denies she said that, but it's my word against hers.) I was elated, she was giving me permission to get "my stuff" which I started to do. Somewhere this spring she found a few articles that I had left out (panties drying), went ballistic again, and told me that she had had enough. I purged, but about two months later I started buying again. This time when she found it she took it all to the curb. End of story.


Victoria - chit!

I hope you were able to save that cute dress in your avatar!

I wish, but no. Nothing was saved, it's all gone. Panties, bras, pantyhose, dresses, a nice skirt and blouse, all of it, gone. That picture is all I have left, and'it's only a thumbnail.

This is my 100th post, and I want to celebrate it with all of you by saying thanks for the compassion, the encouragement, the ideas, and the information. I've never met any of you in person, but I feel so close to you and not just because of our "unique hobby." You are all so full of life, ideas, joy, happiness, and I have not been as happy in a long time with regard to my crossdressing. You have made me feel that it's OK, I'm not all that weird or messed up. I'm OK, and it is totally due to all of you. Thank you so very much. I love you all.

[Annette Todd]

Erica, destroying a partner's property by any means is bullying, a form of interpersonal violence. It has no place in a healthy relationship.

Amen! controlling, manipulating or destructive behavior applied to anyone including a spouse is abusive. I have had all of that and more that I overlooked for 20 years. Relationships can't survive in that kind of climate unless the abused partner capitulates to the abuse... and that is unhealthy.

Sorry to hear of your troubles VA. I would at least ask why she thinks she had the right to throw away your stuff.

cheers

Annette

[mikiSJ]

This is my 100th post, and I want to celebrate it with all of you by saying thanks for the compassion, the encouragement, the ideas, and the information. I've never met any of you in person, but I feel so close to you and not just because of our "unique hobby." You are all so full of life, ideas, joy, happiness, and I have not been as happy in a long time with regard to my crossdressing. You have made me feel that it's OK, I'm not all that weird or messed up. I'm OK, and it is totally due to all of you. Thank you so very much. I love you all.

Victoria - this is why we are here!!

[Leslie Langford]

The fact that your wife may have been hugely upset by discovering your secret (and especially in this manner) is understandable and is something that you need to take ownership for.

But forget the tossed clothes and the fact that you have been "outed". Your real problem is that your wife is a controlling bully, has absolutely no respect for you or your property, and you lack the "cojones" to stand up to her.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but it seems that a bit of "tough love" is in order here...

[Michelle (Oz)]

Your real problem is that your wife is a controlling bully, has absolutely no respect for you or your property, and you lack the "cojones" to stand up to her.

I haven't heard the expression "cojones" but I get what it means and totally agree. CDers generally acknowledge in our relationships that we have created the problem - and I accept in my case that is true. So we are at a psychological disadvantage when dealing/negotiating with our SOs. My wife threatened suicide when I revealed almost a year ago. Your wife made you purge (and subsequently purged for you).

Bullying, control? Maybe but it also reflects the impact our CDing has on their world and their attempt to restore normality. However, if we just accept our lot wives are rewarded by their behaviour and emboldened to continue.

I'm not suggesting a battle ground - just calling her bluff about outing you or leaving you. Think through the various scenarios and be firm as to what you are prepared to do if she doesn't at least accept your need to dress (a DADT). Give her a choice rather than reward her by accepting what she has done as her right. Don't take this up with her now and you will live in permanent fear of discovery and purge.

[Julie Gaum]

Vawy, or whatever you should be called, what has been omitted and IMO is the key to the whole problem: According to your words
she told you to "quit dressing". That speaks volumes! Your wife hasn't the faintest idea why you cross dress and you have done a less than adequate job explaining it. From your writing it's easy to believe that, probably due to the experiences you both had as children,
you both have difficulty communicating your inner-most feelings to each other --- and you likely are not able to at this point. What to do?
As one post suggested first you must find a therapist with considerable experience in gender problems. Then you,alone, have the first meeting after you have explained to your spouse that neither of you can cope without help and you fear what time will bring without
assistance. Tell her that she must promise you that she will go with you to the second and subsequent sessions.
That she threw out your things is just another proof of her complete confusion and the panic and anger that goes along with it.
You are more than "laid back" for in this situation you must be very outgoing with the therapist and, eventually, with your spouse.
Counseling will cost but where you're headed will be far more devastating.
Julie

[giuseppina]

She has repeatedly threatened to put me to our family and friends if I dont quit. Whether she would or not is a different matter. I dont think she has thought that far ahead. She already has a very low opinion of herself and has since we first met.

If she does, that reflects on her, not you. She shouldn't be airing marital issues in public. Maybe I'm oversensitive, but that smacks of a trust violation.


I'm not the type to get angry, or to get even. I figure that whatever happens, happens for a reason. She throws out my CD clothing? Bummer! I'll just wait a few weeks and start over. I just have to find a better hiding place.



Good guess, Sherry. I married "for better or worse." I figure we both got a lot of the worse. We both came into this marriage with a lot of baggage. We were both molested as toddlers, she by a family member, me by a gang of homosexuals. (Sorry, everyone, but facts are facts. I've moved on and have no problems with that lifestyle. I just avoid anyone of that nature if avoidance us an option. If not, i make the best of the situation and have some friends that are LGBT.)

I'm not a licensed mental health practitioner nor have I any training in this regard, but this post suggests (to me at least) that she and maybe you have some issues left over from the molestation. This isn't something anyone but a licensed mental health care professional can deal with, preferably one who specialises in abuse issues. If you try, chances are good you'll make things worse rather than better.

Please consider seeing a licensed mental health care practitioner. Both of you, and your children, if any, as mental health issues in one person in the family affect all the other members. Your family doctor should be able to provide a referral. This situation calls for a specialist, IMHO.

[CherylFlint]

On our first date, I told my wife I was a CD.
Six months later we married.
She picks out what she wants me to wear and helps with the makeup and chooses the wigs.
So…I showed her your post and she didn’t have ANYTHING nice to say about your wife, or, how she put it “to be ex-wife”.
I’m sorry, but I agree with her. It doesn’t make any difference which one of you “purges” your stash, the outcome is still the same: you’re still a CD without anything to wear, which is a very, very bad place to be.
Your wife needs to get with the program, but my wife says she’s not much of a wife who’ll, as King Solomon once suggested, be willing to cut you in two and just love one half and not the other.
The writing is on the wall. I’m sure it’ll work out. Listen, there’s one heck of a lot of women out there who wish their men would dress. Believe it.
Good luck and I wish you the very best.

[Stephanie47]

I'll agree the wife is confused. Really confused. I can't blame her. I would be also. After years of marriage a curve ball is thrown at her and she cannot hit it. The man's action are repulsive, but, not so repulsive that she cannot just walk out the door. Threats and intimidation. Outed the guy to family and friends. If he yields, what kind of marriage will there be. She'll be married to an empty shell of a man. She'll preserve her social status. She can continue on with financial security. A home.

If he does not yield to her demands, she will "play" her trump card. She will destroy him. In the process she will destroy everything she wants to preserve. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That figure does not include the percentage of marriages that should have ended in divorce.

Yes, counseling should be tried. Boundaries should be set and adhered to-no unilateral changes. Frankly, some women want to sit on the pity pot, and, get all the attention. I've seen it in my neighborhood. Rather than clearing the air, she acts impulsively.

Once she has played her trump card and outed the man, what recourse does she have?

[daviolin]

Oh so sorry, girl. When my wife found out about Daviolin. As mad as she was, she said she would never do that to me. Throw out my stuff. Thank you very much. Its been 4 years now. Shes become very accepting of Daviolin. Daviolin

[Kristy 56]

Did your wife already know about your CDing ? If not,did she want to know why,and discuss it when she calmed down ? This is something many of us have gone through,and it definitely will require some serious discussion. I hope that somehow this works out for you.

[linda allen]

I'm with Billie on this one. She took your clothes that she doesn't like you wearing, tit for tat, I'd take her clothes that you don't like her wearing to the curb too....

Renne.....

The reality of a marriage is that what belongs to one partner also belongs to the other partner. Not in a literal sense, but in the cost of purchasing the item(s). If the wife throws out $200 worth of the husband's clothing, that's $200 loss to the family. If the husband retaliates by throwing out $200 worth of the wife's clothing, now we have a $400 loss to the family. $400 that could have been spent on food, shelter, or transportation (or on the children).

Considering this, doesn't throwing her clothes away sound childish and stupid?

I believe this marriage has far greater problems than crossdressing. Fix these problems and the crossdressing issue will fix itself. Or possibly, the marriage is not worth fixing.

[Leona]

Yeah, based on what you've told us, this is definitely an abusive situation. I'm sure you're capable of identifying all the other ways she's been controlling, and this is just another symptom. My first wife often accused me of wearing her clothes when she wasn't around (the one accusation she made that was right) and seeing that it got a reaction from me, she pushed it, and it was all part of a bigger controlling pattern.

Under the circumstances, we shouldn't blame the victim here. VAYman, there are shelters you can go to if you need to. You can get away from this. And if you don't, it will only get worse. So, what do you want to do next?

[VAWyman]

:)
The fact that your wife may have been hugely upset by discovering your secret (and especially in this manner) is understandable and is something that you need to take ownership for.

But forget the tossed clothes and the fact that you have been "outed". Your real problem is that your wife is a controlling bully, has absolutely no respect for you or your property, and you lack the "cojones" to stand up to her.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but it seems that a bit of "tough love" is in order here...

I need cajones to dress as a woman??? Isn't that the definition of irony? :)

I want to thank all of you for the encouragement, the ideas, and the support.

Kristy, if the subject of CD comes up in any way, she goes ballistic again. No calming down on that matter at all.

I agree with Linda Allen. I will not retaliate as it only adds to the problem. I will not stoop to that level. What I have done is to start an abuse log in a hidden computer folder fgor my protection, in case worse comes to worse.

[Leslie Langford]

:)

I need cajones to dress as a woman??? Isn't that the definition of irony? :)

Yeah, yeah! - I'm familiar with that old saw about how it takes a "real" man who is secure in his masculinity to wear a dress. ;)

But the reason I chose to smack you upside the head (figuratively speaking, of course!) with that reference in my original response is that I am in a somewhat similar situation with my own wife. She, too, is somewhat controlling by nature, and has tried to use guilt and shame regarding my crossdressing to try to get me to stop in the past .

It was only once I "grew a pair", ditched the guilt and shame, refused to allow her to manipulate me in this manner, and firmly stood my ground regarding my on-going need to crossdress that she started to back down. We have entered a more harmonious phase of our relationship now, and my experience has proven yet again that the only way to deal successfully with a bully is to confront them head-on and stare them down until they relent.

[kimdl93]

hmmm, so she didn't seem too positive about it then. I believe you need to talk with her...not at her or to her, but with her. Start by apologizing for hiding your "stash" and for hiding this part of you. Then ask her how she felt and how she feels.

[VAWyman]

hmmm, so she didn't seem too positive about it then. I believe you need to talk with her...not at her or to her, but with her. Start by apologizing for hiding your "stash" and for hiding this part of you. Then ask her how she felt and how she feels.

How she felt/feels is the main topic whenever my CD comes up.

Erica, I came out to my wife about 7-8 months back and it has been very difficult on her ever since. She has refused to accept it in any way, and brings up all our past problems from 40+ years of marriage as further evidence of disaster due to my CD. For example, I had an accident several weeks back (probably because I was CD) and decided to get a car instead of a PU. The car is further evidence of my "being gay" because it's less manly than a PU truck.

[Erica2Sweet]

Erica, destroying a partner's property by any means is bullying, a form of interpersonal violence. It has no place in a healthy relationship.

For my own curiosity's sake, I've been looking this up since I finished work this afternoon and haven't found anything on the subject that echoes the idea that throwing away your partner's things constitutes some sort of "violence" against them. It seems like an odd stretch, but I find the connection fascinating.

I can't disagree with your point that there's no place for this sort of thing in a healthy relationship, but we're talking about someone here who is hiding an entire facet of their personality and all the accessories that go with it from a spouse. I don't think we're talking about a healthy relationship here.

You want to know how to not have your things thrown away upon discovery? Stop hiding stuff from your wife. ;)

[Erica2Sweet]

So sad! Please do not give up your desire to "dress" as it is a part of your femme side and who you are, but definitely find a new more secure place to hide your "stash".

You've already had one stash of goodies thrown away by what appears to be a very unhappy wife. Do you really think it's wise to build up another stash and hide it all over again? How many times does it have to be thrown away before you plan a different coarse of action? Honestly...