are we our sister's keeper?

[Lorileah]

started to post this in TS then realized that it is apropos to all TGs. Not sure I like it being this public though.

I have a new question...OK maybe not new because there was a discussion a few years back of a similar vein.

This site is a harbor for people who are navigating this world. A place for support and a place for help. But really how much do the ones who have been on this path for awhile owe the new people?

I bring this up because you all know me. I try and help and I don't pull punches. say what I think usually. Not just here but in the real world. Some believe I may be too opinionated. That is probably true. Recently someone I met was just starting (literally, they started the first night I met them). I sometimes feel like Galinda from Wicked. You know where she says

Elphie - now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project...Don't be offended by my frank analysis Think of it as personality dialysis Now that I've chosen to be come a pal, a Sister and adviser. There's nobody wiser Not when it comes to popular
(flips hair...poses cutely) OK back to serious. This person wanted tips. I tried to help. As time went on I saw she was modeling after me. That's OK we all need something to pattern off of. I am sure there was someone I did that with (many of my heroines here actually; some still here, some gone). But last night I failed. I threw her under the bus because I was sure she would not listen :notlistening:to what I had to say. Today she is remorseful. I saw the train coming off the track and I watched it (my old signature "everyone loves a train wreck except those on the train"). There is a lot more to that story but not here.

Now I feel badly. Two reasons actually. I won't help her anymore because of the personal aspect (the trust is gone...which is a HUGE part of our community) AND I feel I should have warned her.:wall:

So the question is. How much and how long do we "owe" those behind us? Are there lines and limits we have that make it so we just throw up our hands and walk away? How much do people need to learn from their own experience? ((like how many times can we say "tell early in the relationship??? get ignored only to have a thread later that says "my wife threw me out....") I believe in karma so that is part of why I do this. I also don't like to see people hurt.

On the TS side I have come to understand that after you fully transition, you feel like fading away. And yet we have many who stay with us here. On the CD side...it is such a diverse group that advice can be all over the place.

[Beverley Sims]

No Lorileah, we are not.

I feel that we can offer a hand to those that accept it and then try to practice what we have preached.
Some have no appreciation or affinity in what we are trying to do.
Trust is a big thing here and I have had communication with others I would not divulge to any one else.
It is a way of getting to know the person and I use those boundaries in any judgement that needs to be made.
If there is a less than caring attitude and explanations fall on deaf ears, it is time to ask do they really need to be helped.
I get a great satisfaction from people that I have been brutally honest with, write and thank me for giving my "candid" opinion.
I usually read the original post and reply to it, often times giving an opposite view.

I can see the TS side being a bit of been there done that and now it is time to get on being a woman.
You can not linger in the past forever, although do remember your friends.

I know it does make you feel bad to cast off someone you cared about but maybe you are doing that person a favor by doing just that.
They then have to make decisions for themselves.

I could write all day but I will see what others have to say and add more to the mix later.
I am sure there will be a mix.

[noeleena]

Hi,

For myself theres two quite different aspects to this . one is as a member of another forum you know im on its a women only & many times iv had to work with women in an abusive relastionship both face to face & through our forum , do i walk away because i dont need this or have got through the heartache , no im part of these women as a friend & can offer help. or what ever is needed & yes it can be stressfull , im staying because i give of what i have.

Now here, is a bit different i did not join because i needed help i have come as a woman ( female ) yes there are perspectives i can see & can bring another side wether its an insight in a matter that concerns some one & who needs help. or just be here & say i understand where ( to who needs this ) you are comeing from & we are here because we can show others its okay to be different lets work together lets go through this so there will be a time you dont need us & you can move on with your life,

The ? really is , why do we stay, have a laugh cry , go though with others thier concerns & real life issues, see them get a hold of what its all really about,

We can only give of our selfs to those who need us we can not live thier life we are a safehouse for as long as we are needed, or a sounding board, & its not for us to tell or take over , we can be a servant who is intrusted with what we have to share of ourselfs, for the betterment of those that need us for that time others come here, do we have all the answers , no of cause not all we are to do is give what we'v been given ,

To live a life with hope & share that hope so others can live thier life .

...noeleena...

[Rogina B]

I have found that there isn't often enough discussion of a person's goals prior to "taking them under the wing" and getting them"out there". When the person finally gets"out there" she may not behave or have the same goal as when she was asking for help originally. It is annoying for sure.

[Kate Simmons]

As everyone here knows if they listen to my musings Lori, I feel it's all about choice. We first have to come to grips with our feelings, embrace them and take responsibility for our own actions. I have always been a proponent of everyone being their own person. I will help but will also cut the apron strings as soon as I can, because otherwise, how can a person grow? This is exactly how I did things with my own children when they were growing up. We can be an example but unless a person finds their own uniqueness, there is really no growth as a person.:)

[Raychel]

I have been thru this very sort of thing in my work,
You get new people, you try your best to help them, get them off on the right foot.
Sometimes they learn from you, Sometimes they don't,
It will get to a point when you know it will be a train wreck and there is nothing you can do about it.
Or you are done trying to stop it. At that point you just step back and let it happen.

As long as it does not affect your personal life. You tried, Gave it your best.
Anything after that, the person will have to take responsibility for their own actions.

[Kate's at home]

I enjoy the range of ideas and experience I find here. The shared information has helped me to much better understand my experiences. I also recognize that we all bring different things to the table, to learn and offer. What we "owe" others is our experiences and what has been helpful to us. I also believe that healthy boundaries, by all of us, are critical to everyone's safety and security. And, we all are still learning and finding our way. And I think this process is part of the 'fun'.

Kate

[Laura912]

Lorileah, you know that sometimes in attempting to help people, patients, and friends, they do not listen to the given advice and the train goes off the tracks. Acting as a mentor to someone, especially one dealing with such a difficult issue as crossdressing, is commendable. You have a breath of experience from which they can benefit. You may not be their keeper, and you, also, do not bear the responsibility of the results when they don't listen. Horse to water and all that. If the person you were helping, comes back for more help, you will give it...and be prepared for another derailment.

[Sabrina133]

Lorileah,

Wow, how timely. I don't think we owe anyone coming behind as that would insinuate a "duty" or requirement to help. Certainly if a person asks for help and we feel, as individuals that we can, then its up to us as individuals to help - but there is no obligation. As some of you may remember, i was fortunate that i was adopted by a drag mom who did teach me the ropes and for that i am forever grateful. For various reasons, i've never been asked to return the favor. I think if i were i would help depending on the individual.

In another thread, someone recounted the story on "What Would You Do?" about being in a store with a Mom and her son trying on prom dresses when the dad walked in making a scene. Most of the girls said they've stand up to the Dad. I remember saying i would not get directly involve but, after the dad left, would provide some words of encouragement to the son. Many of the girls on the thread didnt like that answer. The truth is that we, as Americans have this incredible desire to want to help and so force ourselves where we may not be wanted often times causing more harm than good.

So bottom line, unless am asked or there is a genuine danger of physical harm and see a genuine desire on the part of the askee to want to help themselves, i tend to leave things alone.

One of the reasons i say this is timely is because SO and i are going through something like that in our own life right now - its not related to CDing but the circumstances are similar.

Anyway just my $.02 worth.

Bree

[zorianacd]

I don't think we "owe" anyone anything whether they come before or after us. Crossdressing is such a personal journey. Individual results may vary. I can give you my particular "recipe" for what work for me, but this may not work for others. I've had the problem of being lazy about crossdressing. Now that I've finally owned it, I'm able to put myself together much better. But I had to take the initiative. I enjoy reading others experiences but I have learned what works for me.

[MysticLady]

On the TS side I have come to understand that after you fully transition, you feel like fading away. And yet we have many who stay with us here. On the CD side...it is such a diverse group that advice can be all over the place.

Hi Lorileah

This place provides a "table" where everyone puts their ideas, thoughts, experiences, joys and sorrows. We all review them, sift through them, live w/ them, seek advice from them, receive comfort from them. Some leave them and continue they're journey. Some stay for a while and some will stay forever. For there will be new stories and new situations and new strategies that will be continuously put on the table for us to review. Some of us will hold on to someone else here for different reasons but the fact that there will always be someone here is very comforting.:hugs:

[Karren H]

Just add that to the list of a billion things I need and want to do before I die..... Pretty much I'm to a point where everything I do is not for me but for everyone in my life.... except ice hockey..... thats for me...... with all I do for the wife and kids and relatives and the volunteer work I do locally....... I'd love to take everyone under my wing..... but I'm running out of time.... Some days I just want to say screw everyone..... leave me the Eff alone.... like today... lol

actually ice hockey isn't really for me.... it's so I can stay in shape and live longer to help someone else! lol ... damn.... now I depressed.....

[Lorileah]

In my case it is(was) a trust issue. I trusted them. I thought they trusted me. Maybe I misread the scenario. I thought she was a crossdresser. She definitely dressed similar to me in what I call business classy. Not the fetish dress one may expect. But it turns out now taht things have unfolded that the transvestic fetish that has been bantered about on here may have been closer. That the clothing was more for sexual purposes than for mental reasons.

I have stated before that "we" are teenagers here. No matter what age we really are, we have to go through the whole social, sexual, psychological growth a teenage girl would go through (and in some cases physical too). I often tell people I am 16. I should be 18 by now and maybe that is why I let this one play out. I feel badly for her, The day after remorse the realization that what she did will now follow her for a long time. The "reputation". We have all done something where we look back and say "wow...I wish I had not done that." but I could have stopped it. I probably SHOULD have stopped it. Bottom line I may have lost two (or more) friends over this. But true colors have shown through on both of them.

To answer my own question, I think that the MY responsibility will be as long as I can. I have friends who are transitioning who are my mentors and I hope they will be there as long as possible. That is why I am still here 4 years down the road. I want to help others make the road smoother. Which is why I probably feel so badly about what I did. So, after all that, my answer is yes I am my sister's keeper. right up to the point where I see that no matter what I do or say they will do whatever they want to do on their own. Then I will suffer with the through the train wreck

[kimdl93]

As an online forum, we are, despite the apparent connections, still bits of digital detritus, connecting people who have never met in real life and who may never meet. If people ask for advice, then our only obligation to them is to give well considered advice. Actually, we don't even have that obligation. I have read, and probably given, very ill advised suggestions to individuals over the past couple of years.

How individuals will interpret that advice and use it in their own lives is beyond our control. Like you, I've seen many a person heading towards a train wreck here...tried to wave them off and seen it happen anyway. Its not always avoidable...and we can't bear the responsibility for the consequences. How many times has each of us seen someone so lost in a pink fog that they simply can't make good judgments...and then they come back and say "you should never tell your wife" because they did so in an abrupt, ill-thought out manner.

None of us likes to see people get hurt. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, people commit terrible, thoughtless, inconsiderate selfish acts and seem surprised by the results. We do what we can.

[Sabrina133]

In my case it is(was) a trust issue. I trusted them. I thought they trusted me. Maybe I misread the scenario. I thought she was a crossdresser. She definitely dressed similar to me in what I call business classy. Not the fetish dress one may expect. But it turns out now taht things have unfolded that the transvestic fetish that has been bantered about on here may have been closer. That the clothing was more for sexual purposes than for mental reasons.

I have stated before that "we" are teenagers here. No matter what age we really are, we have to go through the whole social, sexual, psychological growth a teenage girl would go through (and in some cases physical too). I often tell people I am 16. I should be 18 by now and maybe that is why I let this one play out. I feel badly for her, The day after remorse the realization that what she did will now follow her for a long time. The "reputation". We have all done something where we look back and say "wow...I wish I had not done that." but I could have stopped it. I probably SHOULD have stopped it. Bottom line I may have lost two (or more) friends over this. But true colors have shown through on both of them.

To answer my own question, I think that the MY responsibility will be as long as I can. I have friends who are transitioning who are my mentors and I hope they will be there as long as possible. That is why I am still here 4 years down the road. I want to help others make the road smoother. Which is why I probably feel so badly about what I did. So, after all that, my answer is yes I am my sister's keeper. right up to the point where I see that no matter what I do or say they will do whatever they want to do on their own. Then I will suffer with the through the train wreck

Frankly Lorileah, if that is the way you feel then thank goodness for you. Hugs

[Debra Russell]

If I help or advise someone who asks and they don't follow or do what is suggested - than they leaarn from their mistakes or I realize that maybe there is another option - but usually not the case and sometimes it's better to move on............................Debra

[Princess Grandpa]

Here is my two cents as one of the new girls trying to learn.

You owe me nothing! Your help and guidance is appreciated. Without you ladies here our struggles continue in anonymity never realizing we aren't alone. The words of encouragement and advice you offer are invaluable. However once this becomes duty and obligation for you it's a real problem. Your help and guidance is appreciated, but not at the risk to your own peace.

Sometimes we new girls listen to the advice we are given. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we won't even though you others know we are walking off a cliff. If the one your helping don longer cares for your help don't beat yourself up over it. The only one you owe something to is yourself. You owe yourself happiness

Hug
Rita

[Bree Wagner]

As a general rule, no, I don't think anyone owes anything to those that come after. However, I personally took so much inspiration from others that directly or indirectly helped me get to where I am today that I'm happy and willing to pay it forward if asked. I have a feeling that there are probably a lot of people out there in that situation.

We certainly aren't responsible for the actions of another. We can guide and offer counsel, but if they don't choose to follow the advice that's their choice. I think you're doing the right thing Lori and I applaud your efforts. Hopefully it doesn't sour you on any future 'apprentices' because oftentimes we need that critical eye you can provide.

-Bree

[Deedee Skyblue]

I'm not sure what I have to add is positive. I've found that in general, people don't want to hear about the upcoming train wreck; they get mad when you mention it, sometimes very very angry and it causes a fight. And then when it happens, either it is somehow my fault, and wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said anything, or my warning wasn't good enough, and once again it's my fault. Of, if I do nothing, it's 'why didn't you say something' and again it's my fault. So I rarely give advice unless someone asks me specifically for my advice. If I do see a train wreck coming, rather than give a warning, I might try to ask some leading questions a get the other person to see it for herself. But that rarely works. Most people have to learn on their own; it is very rare to find someone who learns from someone else's experiences. So no, I don't think we are our sisters' keepers. We can be their friends, which is probably better anyway.

Deedee

[KellyJameson]

There is a side to anything that falls on the TG spectrum that is dangerous whether it is crossdressing or the transsexual who is transitioning.

If you are anywhere on the TG spectrum and you do not see the danger and treat this danger with respect it will surely turn around and bite you.

Someone who has a fetish relationship with crossdressing is walking a different path than I am. I'm not morally offended by those who find crossdressing erotic and use it for sexual graitfication but I do think they are misusing their sexuality and will eventually experience the consequences.

Maybe it is shame because they are internally conflicted from going against the moral code instilled in them or maybe it comes from the deeper feeling of disrespecting themselves but it does seem that most who practice some type of fetish are highly conflicted about this behavior.

This is something they have to work out for themselves and this is true for every single human being. It does not have to be a fetish but maybe that extra weight that harms our health we carry around or the drugs or alcohol that are abused.

There are countless ways to harm yourself in life while you are trying to feel good and we are all potential addicts waiting to be born even if we are not addicts yet.

Much of life is trying to figure out how to live without destroying yourself but still having reasons to want to get out of bed in the morning.

If I'm my sisters keeper she first must show me through her actions that she respects her own life.

I am trying to learn to respect myself by my own personal path that I'm walking and I would be showing disrespect to myself if I walk with those who do not walk their own path to personal growth and self respect.

If someone is showing addictive behavior I'm automatically cautious with them because this tells me they are in a conflicted relationship with themselves and the life they are living.

I do not judge them nor to I see myself as better than them but only that I believe addiction is dangerous because we are all potential addicts so it becomes a self protective act to avoid them.

I see only two possible paths to walk in life. Self respect or addiction. You are either moving toward one or the other.

There is so much already standing in the way of anyone on the TG spectrum from acquiring self respect.

Why make the road more difficult to walk by bringing addiction into your life?

Transitioning is brutally difficult because you are already trying to overcome every possible obstacle imaginable. You must be very cautious because you will need every ounce of strength you possess. Why give it away to those who do not want to develop their own strengths ?

Be careful in your love for others that you do not forget to love yourself because you may find you have saved the world but lost the soul you were searching for. Your own

[Leona]

Well, I'm new to these forums, but didn't come here looking for support. Company, really. In this particular area. I also didn't come here to offer support.

Based on my experiences in a divorce support group during my first divorce (I say "first" since a second looks fairly likely still), I definitely developed a first loyalty to other people going through divorces. At the same time, I developed skills that enabled me to identify who I could help and who I couldn't help, which is particular to my own style. Those I couldn't help can be helped by others with a compatible style.

I'll probably do the same thing here, sooner or later. But since this is the first time I've interacted with other cross-dressers, it'll take me a bit to learn who I can help and who I can't help.

So, loyalty? Yes. being our sister's keeper? No. The two are related, but still different.

[Barbara Ella]

Lori, I ascribe to the idea that we are not required to be our sister's keeper. What this does is make it so much more special when someone takes it into their heart to help a sister. Yes, it can be so hard on you when you see the results/actions of the person you are trying to make life easier for, and they just don't seem to get it.

You and others here are very special individuals to do this. Lord knows that we tend to be very individualistic and opinionated, and most likely not good listeners when the advice doesn't go along with what we want to do.

No, you are not required to start. You are not required to continue. You are not required to see it to any completion. You will only do what you see as right, and what you feel in your heart is necessary.

Bless you for that.

Barbara

[Julie Gaum]

I believe that everything that needs to be said on this subject has already been said so I won't try to add to it. A word of caution though, when giving advice on any subject --- personal problems or in the work place ---- and that's the danger of satisfying one's own ego at the expense of others. The president of a company I once worked for--- for seventeen years--- more than once called me into his office to give me a verbal spanking for doing just that. "When Julian doesn't get his way he walks". At times I would try to have others steer a certain course, but after trying for awhile to no avail, I would take satisfaction in seeing that so-called train wreak ---
it secretly boosted my ego. "When to raise and when to fold" was my problem and it is for most of us. Would that one more bit of advice be the tipping point you hoped for or are you wasting time? Are you getting personal satisfaction out of seeing some one fail?
Human nature sometimes? On the other hand, I'm sure most of us gain a great deal of pleasure when we see a newbe suceed.
So beware of one's own ego.
Julie

[Kandy Barr]

You're under no obligation to be any ones keeper Lorileah, but I believe you do help others because you've already traveled down a path you see others going and you know from experience where it will most likely lead. Whether your help is taken or not should not rest heavy on your heart, each must stand or fall of their own accord. I'm sorry you've lost friendships over your trying to help someone, perhaps you became too personally involved. For myself I'm very thankful those of you who have gone before me are here and are willing to share your experience. I was very alone before I found this place, so thank you for being here and sharing your knowledge and advice.

[Annette Todd]

I have offered various advice to others. Did I feel that was obligatory? No I simply feel that my advice and experience may help another avoid some of the pitfalls that I have suffered. As with kids, friends, acquaintances or those seeking answers, I feel the only thing I have to offer is the benefit of experience. Like a child who finds out the stove is hot after you told them "Don't touch! that will burn you.", sometimes the only way to learn is through self-discovery.
My brother once did something that was dangerous (I'll get back to that in a sec). We try to warn others of dangers or try to head off mistakes but ultimately the choice to follow advice or not is the responsibility of each individual. If they choose to ignore that advice, that does not represent a breach of trust when you come back and say "See I told you that wouldn't work".
Anyway, back to my brother. My mom and I and my brother laugh now but at the time... He was about (terrible) 2. He took the ring off of a disk and clip key chain and plugged himself into an electrical outlet. The "blast" threw him 6 feet against the refrigerator, arm black to the elbow. It took a moment for him to realize "That hurt!" It was a priceless moment that fortunately was not a tragic one.
The moral of the story? Despite our best efforts and intentions you aren't responsible for advice that isn't followed.

JMSO

Annette

[famousunknown]

On the CD side...it is such a diverse group that advice can be all over the place.

And honesty is in very short supply. If somehow people would truly be honest and dump the "You Go Girl" routine, this forum would be 100x better. Just be honest. Is that so hard?

[Lorileah]

I'm not sure what I have to add is positive. I've found that in general, people don't want to hear about the upcoming train wreck; they get mad when you mention it, sometimes very very angry and it causes a fight. And then when it happens, either it is somehow my fault, and wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said anything, or my warning wasn't good enough, and once again it's my fault. Of, if I do nothing, it's 'why didn't you say something' and again it's my fault.


Thus it was with this case. I saw it coming and I knew if I said anything to try and prevent it, it would have escalated to an argument. The Guess Who had a song "Undone" and it fits this so well. She wanted to get to the top of the mountain in less than a month. And she found the cliff. I am sorry for not stopping her, she now has a bigger mountain to climb, but we all learn. As it stands now, I have lost two friends, they have lost two friends (me and each other). It is a circle. Two of us will land on our feet. The newbie isn't so lucky. She has already let me know she made a mistake.

I will continue to help anyone who needs it, just not this person right now because trust has gone away. On this forum we discuss trust often and how hard it is to get back when lost (spouses and SOs). It isn't easy to get but almost impossible to regain.

[Asche]

One big problem with being "your sister's keeper" is that you may think you know what's best -- but be dead wrong. People are all different and their situations are also all different. To give someone else life advice without thinking, every time you open your mouth, "I could be wrong. Disastrously wrong" seems to me to be -- well, a little arrogant.

Here at CD.com, there's an idea of What Crossdressing Is(tm) -- what I call "Orthodox Crossdressing" -- which an enormous number of posters seem to assume applies to everyone here (except the GFs, of course :) ): that it's about having a "female side", that you want (while CD'ing) to appear, act, and feel as much like Woman(tm) as possible, your goal is to "pass," prefereably 24/7, you want to be called "ladies" or "girls", etc. (This meme has a BFF, which is the meme that CD'ing is (always) just an intermediate step towards recognizing one's true TS nature and realizing that one should have SRS as soon as practical.)

In reality, of course, people are all over the map, and to the extent anybody's CDing has any sort of "natural progression," it could be in any direction. If you can look past the Orthodox CDing narrative and read what people actually write, you see that there are a lot of people here who don't fit this model and know they don't. But there's a human tendency to believe the narrative and ignore contrary evidence.

Another complication is that most people, when they decide/discover they are X (where X in this case is CD'ing) then (usually unconsciously) try to live up to the stereotype they have of X. So you can have someone doing all the Orthodox CDing things, and you think that's who they are, but really they're really some sort of heterodox CDer who's trying to act the part of an Orthodox CD'er. Trying to advise them how to be a better Orthodox CD'er has a large chance of turning out badly.

[MysticLady]

actually ice hockey isn't really for me.... it's so I can stay in shape and live longer to help someone else! lol ... damn.... now I depressed.....

Don't Worry Sweetie, we'll be here for ya:hugs:


And honesty is in very short supply. If somehow people would truly be honest and dump the "You Go Girl" routine, this forum would be 100x better. Just be honest. Is that so hard?

Hello Famous, I use that phrase as an inspirational reply. When they inspire me, I'm not ashamed of letting them know by a "high five". Forgive me if that is bothersome too you. I've also noticed that you have been rather........resentful lately. I know the feeling very well. I have been there myself. You try to shake this and want to forget this and sometimes turn on people that offer you support and understanding. Yet, because of other responsibilities and commitments I wanted to hate this part of me and hopefully bury it in my past. I don't know if this is the case w/ you but remember you're not alone in this.:hugs:


That the clothing was more for sexual purposes than for mental reasons.


Lorileah, I have found that through this journey, many attach sexuality to this and feel that they must either want to experience or live it. Some experience it and are remorseful and others thrive on it. Some like me, wonder if it's worth the emotional ties that come w/ it. Some of us just need to experience it just to say I have done and I no longer desire it because its done. I know that they're many other reasons that add to this such as trauma. I don't know the stories that lie behind their eyes so who am I to tell them otherwise.

[famousunknown]

I've also noticed that you have been rather........resentful lately.

No...you've obviously mistaken this with my "no more BS fantasy games" attitude.

[Lorileah]

Here at CD.com, there's an idea of What Crossdressing Is(tm) -- what I call "Orthodox Crossdressing" -- which an enormous number of posters seem to assume applies to everyone here (except the GFs, of course :) ): that it's about having a "female side", that you want (while CD'ing) to appear, act, and feel as much like Woman(tm) as possible, your goal is to "pass," prefereably 24/7, you want to be called "ladies" or "girls", etc. (This meme has a BFF, which is the meme that CD'ing is (always) just an intermediate step towards recognizing one's true TS nature and realizing that one should have SRS as soon as practical.)
:fs:and yet so true. You speak sarcasm as a second language :)





Lorileah, I have found that through this journey, many attach sexuality to this and feel that they must either want to experience or live it. Some experience it and are remorseful and others thrive on it. Some like me, wonder if it's worth the emotional ties that come w/ it. Some of us just need to experience it just to say I have done and I no longer desire it because its done. I know that they're many other reasons that add to this such as trauma. I don't know the stories that lie behind their eyes so who am I to tell them otherwise.You don't know how close to the mark you are with that. Remorse in this case.


No...you've obviously mistaken this with my "no more BS fantasy games" attitude.

This whole site is a big fantasy you know that. But I want you to know I pass 100% of the time, everyone accepts me, my family approves, and next year I will find a way to fix the environment.

Update: I broke down and texted said CD asking how she was doing since in essence she had been taken advantage of (end sentence with preposition). I could not let her suffer this alone. Still won't be her mentor but we will talk it through.

[meganmartin]

Good question but in general removing the trans relationship aside I personally think we should teach what we know to anyone who will listen.

Its just the way I chose to live my life.

[julia marie]

As a relatively new member on the site (a year?) I'm here with the viewpoint that if i pose a question or a problem someone with more experience will offer suggestions. I don't expect "answers" just "possibilities". In the end, it's up to me to make my own decisions, even if my role as a CDer makes me the equivalent of what has been referred to as a teen-aged girl. The vast majority of the advice that I've seen on the site has been generously provided and offered in the vein of those possibilities. So, I thank all those who may be further down whatever CD/TS/TG road we are on for sharing with the new kids. You don't owe any of us anything, which is why so many of us appreciate what you do have to say.
Lorileah, a side note. Your comments and perspectives are always well thought out and helpful. I hope you will continue to share despite a bad experience.

[MysticLady]

Lorileah, I have found that through this journey, many attach sexuality to this and feel that they must either want to experience or live it. Some experience it and are remorseful and others thrive on it. Some like me, wonder if it's worth the emotional ties that come w/ it. Some of us just need to experience it just to say I have done and I no longer desire it because its done. I know that they're many other reasons that add to this such as trauma. I don't know the stories that lie behind their eyes so who am I to tell them otherwise.

I just wanted to add this regarding being our sister's keeper. I had befriended another member here and I thoroughly enjoyed our talks together. But, it was coming to a point where my thoughts were betraying her(this is our own story and I won't share it). I told her of my thoughts and I was heartbroken because I knew we couldn't continue our friendship because of this. I had to tell her Goodbye. I miss her and our talks terribly. My lust was overwhelming and I knew we were going to be hurt eventually and emotionally. I didn't want that so in being my sisters keeper "I believe" I had to tell her that basically our friendship must come to an end. Sometimes, it's very difficult to be a sisters keeper. Sometimes in doing so you must take on the hurt yourself before letting your sister experience it. I miss her so. I don't know if I did the right thing but my thoughts were on protecting her and not hurting her. I asked her to forgive me as I know she felt betrayed.




No...you've obviously mistaken this with my "no more BS fantasy games" attitude.

May I ask, what is it about this place that interests you. My whole life is a fantasy too me. Do you care not for me too share it w/ you sometimes. If not........why? I would love to hear about some your life stories. Sometimes, the real lives of others are fantasy to some. For the ones that have accepting wives, that is a fantasy for me and I live through them and their stories to live my fantasy. Would you consider this....BS?




This whole site is a big fantasy you know that. So true.:hugs:

[Leona]

I'm reminded of Lieutenant Uhura saying "This isn't reality. This is fantasy. You wanted an adventure? Well I'll give you an adventure. Sit in the closet!"

<3 Uhura :)