Betty_42
06-24-2013, 08:49 PM
Okay I know I haven't been around that much and I do apologize. Fact of the matter is I've been going through a lot in my life and I'm very confused right now. I suppose I should start at the beginning? Now I've been extremely depressed and I'm honestly not sure how to handle matters anymore? Below are my latest two entries in a blog I maintain elsewhere. I feel these would should some light on my issues...
Harbinger:
Now that I've collected myself and I have a couple of theories, I've decided that I should post about this yet again. One thing is perfectly clear however, this cannot continue. Something has to happen. I have two theories on the meaning of these events which I'm about to share with you...
Now a few days ago in the morning, I was in the kitchen making waffles for my wife. Once again, I stared at the knives in the block and then at my wrists. I thought to myself, "I wonder how long it would take her to find me in the bathtub? Surely she'll begin to wonder what was going on after I didn't return with the waffles?" I've had suicidal thoughts like this on occasion for several months now...
I'm thinking this. I was primarily concerned about her finding me because I'm starting to wonder if she actually cares for me. It's also possible that I don't really want to die. That I want her to "save me" so to speak. The reasoning being that that would prove that she does in fact care about me... However I'm really not so sure? I'm really not sure about anything anymore...
Also, I've decided something! I'm going to be myself and consequences be damned! I don't care if my mother-in-law doesn't approve. And i don't care if my wife doesn't approve. I'm finally putting myself first! (End post)
Reversal:
Okay so my wife left with my mother-in-law yesterday to go out to eat and they specifically said that I can't come along... So I sat in the back room here, "hiding like Osama" and chain smoking yes? Obviously, I was a tad worried! I'm fairly certain by this point that they both knew that I was not happy, although precisely to which extent, I do not know. Anyway, they eventually got back and I helped them with the groceries and when my wife came back in, she left an adorable Hello Kitty bag on my laptop which was sitting on the bed where I always sit... I eventually got back and found the bag. I opened it up not knowing what to expect and there was a card there with two pairs of panties in my favorite styles (thong and cheeky), and a push-up bra that was pretty close to my size. I'm a 36 strap and this is a 34. Still usable however! And some makeup. The card had a pen written inscription that read: "This is just my way of saying, I love you, and wanted you to know, you are my femboy!!! So when we are at home you can be who you wish. Soon we will move out again and be on our own. - Love Marlena"
So long story short, I told my wife that I will take more time as there is clearly much to consider. In any case, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to move out next month anyway as that's when classes start at Kaplan University and I'll most certainly want to get that straightened out anyway. I should call them in a week or so actually... (End post)
I'm taking this nice, slow, and easy however as I want to make the right move. I told my wife that I'll need more time to think about what I'm doing here. Although I do have an "exit strategy" I should add as well as a place I can go if things ever get bad. Among the lessons life has taught me, it's always good to have a contingency! But I simply will not actuate this until I absolutely know for certain that I have no other choice as I'm also not an asshole...
Harbinger:
Now that I've collected myself and I have a couple of theories, I've decided that I should post about this yet again. One thing is perfectly clear however, this cannot continue. Something has to happen. I have two theories on the meaning of these events which I'm about to share with you...
Now a few days ago in the morning, I was in the kitchen making waffles for my wife. Once again, I stared at the knives in the block and then at my wrists. I thought to myself, "I wonder how long it would take her to find me in the bathtub? Surely she'll begin to wonder what was going on after I didn't return with the waffles?" I've had suicidal thoughts like this on occasion for several months now...
I'm thinking this. I was primarily concerned about her finding me because I'm starting to wonder if she actually cares for me. It's also possible that I don't really want to die. That I want her to "save me" so to speak. The reasoning being that that would prove that she does in fact care about me... However I'm really not so sure? I'm really not sure about anything anymore...
Also, I've decided something! I'm going to be myself and consequences be damned! I don't care if my mother-in-law doesn't approve. And i don't care if my wife doesn't approve. I'm finally putting myself first! (End post)
Reversal:
Okay so my wife left with my mother-in-law yesterday to go out to eat and they specifically said that I can't come along... So I sat in the back room here, "hiding like Osama" and chain smoking yes? Obviously, I was a tad worried! I'm fairly certain by this point that they both knew that I was not happy, although precisely to which extent, I do not know. Anyway, they eventually got back and I helped them with the groceries and when my wife came back in, she left an adorable Hello Kitty bag on my laptop which was sitting on the bed where I always sit... I eventually got back and found the bag. I opened it up not knowing what to expect and there was a card there with two pairs of panties in my favorite styles (thong and cheeky), and a push-up bra that was pretty close to my size. I'm a 36 strap and this is a 34. Still usable however! And some makeup. The card had a pen written inscription that read: "This is just my way of saying, I love you, and wanted you to know, you are my femboy!!! So when we are at home you can be who you wish. Soon we will move out again and be on our own. - Love Marlena"
So long story short, I told my wife that I will take more time as there is clearly much to consider. In any case, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to move out next month anyway as that's when classes start at Kaplan University and I'll most certainly want to get that straightened out anyway. I should call them in a week or so actually... (End post)
I'm taking this nice, slow, and easy however as I want to make the right move. I told my wife that I'll need more time to think about what I'm doing here. Although I do have an "exit strategy" I should add as well as a place I can go if things ever get bad. Among the lessons life has taught me, it's always good to have a contingency! But I simply will not actuate this until I absolutely know for certain that I have no other choice as I'm also not an asshole...