I... I need someone to talk to.

[CorsetAngel]

I need someone to talk to, badly, about so many things in my life. I'm hurting, deep inside, and feel so trapped and torn.

I don't like to just throw my thoughts and feelings out there into the wind, but I feel desperate. I don't really have many people in my life, and those who are, I feel as though I am so limited on what I can and can not say to them. My family.... well, my relationship with them is not good. They are so judgmental, and have openly voiced their disappointments about me on so many levels. And when I feel I can talk to them, they act as though they 1) don't want to listen to me or hear anything I have to say, or 2) even worst... They Just Plain Don't Care.

My closest friends are much the same, except the ones who act as though they do care, I feel limited as to what I can comfortably share with them.

I haven't any money, in fact that is one of my biggest problems I've got resting on my conscience, the lack of any income and the lack of a job,and the feeling I have no future. So I can't afford to go talk to a therapist.

The one person in my life, who has been the closest to me, has been my ex girlfriend. We just broke up a few months ago, because we got to a point where we were fighting constantly about pretty much everything. I realized it was unhealthy and toxic to our relationship, so we talked it over, agreed to call things off for awhile, and remain as just close friends. Well now, she has completely moved on, started a serious relationship with a new man, and has led me on, and lied to me about a lot of things. I caught her in her lies, and once she knew I did, admitted to them. The whole story here is much deeper then this, but as a matter of it, I've gotten seriously hurt by it. A lot of it has to do with fact that we've dated for nearly ten years, and she's been the closest person to me, and I feel as though I have to completely walk away, and take her out of my life. She's violated my trust, beyond repair. And now, I don't have her to talk to anymore.

I'm so lost... Hurt... and Broken. I can't sleep at night. Then in the day, that's all my body is wanting to do. I've lost all ambition for the things that I once took joy in. I try to keep myself busy, but have to much free time. I've tried taking walks to clear my head, but that only makes matters worst, in the next thing I know, I've walked 20 or 30 miles, for hours of the day. My legs physically hurt, and I've got blisters on my feet. I'll come home, struggling to just be able to stand, or walk from one room of the house to another.

I'm depressed, and hate it. Seems too, like no matter what I do, something worst always follows. I'm 32 years old, live at home with my parents, never have moved out, living at the same old house I've grown up in, since I was born. My parents hate it, we fight because of it. They want me out, but treat me so much like a child. But I can't afford to move out. Never have been able to. Best job I ever had, never paid me enough. I worked there for 8 years, working my way up, but they never increased my pay. Then one day, just before Christmas in 2010, they (my bosses at that job) told me, I was losing my job, after the holiday. I've tried going back to school, but even that has seem to be a struggle. The school I've been going to, changed the way their credit hours are issued, and it has caused me, to have to take numerous classed that I've already have taken, over again. Then, on the second time around in some of these classes, I've failed.

I've got debt piling up, like everyone else, so I've tried finding a job to help pay the bills. But nobody wants to work with me, around a school schedule, or even pay anything much more then a dollar over minimal wage. Last job I had, I worked for a mechanic's garage, driving an hour out of my way, one direction, just for $8.35 an hour, to be a shop boy. My boss there was a total A@@, abused the heck out of me verbally, threw empty beer bottles at me, while cursing and talking in a very demeaning manner towards me in front of customers. He would insult me in any way he could, just to make himself look much superior. I hated it, but bared through it, because I needed that job. Well, at the beginning of this year, he let me go, because his business was failing to bring in new customers, and he wasn't retaining many old ones too. Those established ones, also weren't having as many issues with their cars, that required a ton of work. Plus, he started hiring other people in which he didn't have the work for, so he had to let go of a bunch of us, all at once.

I've been living off what little savings I had, (it's all gone now) and unemployment. I've looked for something, anything, but haven't found anything yet. I started working at a local museum, helping with research on artifacts, setting up displays, putting together presentations for visitors, and for when we take exhibits on the road. I absolutely LOVE working there.... But, I'm classified as a volunteer, and I'm unpaid. That's because the museum is a strict non-profit organization, and we are literally running on a shoe string budget. We take in donations, but they are barely enough to cover operating expenses. The head of the museum's foundation, and head curator had pretty much labeled me, as second in command of all the museum's activities. I've been in charge of all the media and publicity for the museum. He's even tasked me with writing for grants, but as it is now, any extra expenses needed for the museum's operating budget, he personally covers out of his own pocket. Again, I Love what I do there, but reality sets in, and I don't get paid, and I need an income. Him and I have talked about this, and he realizes that when, and if I ever find a job, it's going to cut down on what I can do there. He's became a good friend to me, but I still feel as though I can't tell him somethings. Especially close personal issues, like my cross dressing.

I joined a CD support group awhile back, but due to my school schedule, and where I live vs where this group is at, I haven't been able to be actively involve with them. Plus again, I don't have the extra money laying around to go out with them. I've talked to one member of the group a few times, I like them, but I feel as though They talk more then they listen, and I can't get a word in otherwise.

Sorry for the long winded writing, I just need someone to talk to.

[larry]

Wow. I am very sorry you are going thru all this. Please hang in there.... I am thinking a lot of people will be afraid to comment cause they cannot help or do not know what to say. We all have our share of troubles in this life and yours seem to be piling up on you. Please take it slow and do what you can to love yourself and keep plugging away to get better. There are people who care. Call your local hotline and ask where you can find help. There---I have now officially become one of those who does not know what to say---Except--You are a person that matters just as much as all the rest of us..

[Cheryl123]

Hi Angel ... yes you need someone to talk to but it needs to be someone familiar with your situation .. so start by looking at the people in your life. You mentioned the person you work for at the museum .. he seems like a good place to start. Try making a list of people who might be able to give you advice or have contacts. Your immediate problem, as you mention is money (welcome to the club!). You have to draw up a plan. (Btw .. quit walking 30 miles a day .. you are just wasting time and avoiding the the problems). You need to be qualifying yourself for a specific job .. I don't know where you live but the solution to your problems might involve moving eventually to another city. So ask yourself is the job I will qualify myself for available in my home town. If you feel like you must stay in your home town, then look around and see what good jobs are available and make a plan to qualify yourself for those jobs. If there aren't any jobs there, you have to think about moving.

Take responsibility for you life. Perhaps your parents should be more helpful, but let's face it. You're 32 years old .. they've cared for you all these years and it's time for you to take care of yourself. So don't blame them. Don't blame your girlfriend, it's not her fault either. Don't blame your school ... don't blame businesses for not offering more than minimum wage for part time work. Businesses are not charities. You mentioned that you stayed in a job for many years even though you never got a raise. And all these year you stayed at home. You have to ask yourself why? When you are in your 20's you life task is to find a profession that will allow you to live an independent life. It's a painful process sometimes. When you are a teenager someone is still taking care of you. When you are in your 20's it's painful to realize you have to take care of yourself. You skipped that step. You parents continued to care for you and that allowed you to slack-off.

Now you can't. Your job know is to find an occupation that will give you some real money .. find out where those jobs are ... get training ... and get on with your life. Set yourself a dead-line ... I'd try to get out of that house in a year ... and be earning a living salary in two years tops. And don't tell me or anyone else you're not qualified to do anything. That's a cop-out. Oh yes .. quit feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of love ... (wishing I was 32 years old again!)

[TeresaCD]

Hey Katie, you are never alone. Hang in there..

[Amanda M]

Hi Angel – this can be dealt with by a combination of proper medication and a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. I know you cannot afford a therapist, however, below, you’ll find a couple of good free self help resources.
The first thing you need to do is to see your Doctor – he will give you a full diagnosis and if appropriate, start your on a suitable anti-depressant medication. He will also want to rule out any physical cause of what you is experiencing.
Depression is seen as a chemical imbalance in the brain, just as diabetes is a chemical imbalance in the body. Diabetics take medication to stay well, why shouldn’t you?
Don’t be afraid of taking medication – it could really help turn your whole life around
Two important issues about this - when you is on medication, you must take it at the correct dose and as prescribed. It is no use missing doses or messing around with the dose.
Secondly, you should know that anti-depressants can take up to 8 weeks from the start of therapy before they begin to show beneficial effects, so it's no use quitting after two weeks.
I mentioned CBT - is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,
the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx
If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm
Make the first step NOW – get an appointment with your Doc, and you can start to get better.
You’ll also find some very good help here:
http://www.depression.com/
Of course, all of us on the forum are here to listen too. You are not REALLY alone.

[AndrewJenny]

That sounds like an awful lot to deal with; I'm really sorry that there are so many negative things in your life right now. It's hard enough to try and figure out who you are in this world without the economic problems. Money isn't everything, but it gives you independence and that makes it easier to tell people like your parents that you don't care what they think. Not having money is also just plain stressful: after my divorce I was really poor and in six figures of debt, and I was just panicky all the time.

I can't offer any advice except to say hang in there. My parents kicked me out when they found out about my cross-dressing; my dad actually blamed it for his bad marriage (instead of, you know, the affairs) and told me my "perversion" had ruined his life. I don't know if there is an LGBT center near where you live, but they really helped me hang on to my sanity. They might also be able to direct you toward low-cost therapy; a lot of therapists charge on a sliding scale, so if you could get a part-time job you could maybe afford to see one. Therapy is my lifeline, so I really hope you can find a way to see one: it's a voice of support in the sea of ignorance and rejection.

Take care.

[cassexy]

hi, katie, we are all there for you, just pour out your thoughts and we will help you, trust us all

[Joanne f]

Hello CorsetAngel,
I am sorry to hear about the way things seem to be going in your life and can see how you are letting them affect you , you are lumping them into one big bad pile , try to separate them up a bit , I know it will not make them disappear but it may make them a bit more manageable for you to cope with , I know that once you start on a down ward spiral it is very hard to get out of it , it sounds like you have a very interesting job at the museum and you enjoy it very much so use that as a big positive and try to build from that , unfortunately all the other things are a part of life but most people do not get hit by them all at once so they will not understand what you are going through and it makes it so much harder for you when you also feel that they do not care , at least take heart in that you seem to be doing the right things to help yourself so it is just a matter of finding that magic switch which will change your thoughts from negative to positive , I know not easy but it will happen , I hope that you feel more positive soon .

[Beverley Sims]

Angel,
you need to get out of your depressed state and finding new interests and friends will go a long way to help.
Yes you do need to find work and it is best to look for it using a smile and confidence.
Do not approach future employees looking down at the mouth, always keep a smile and a bright personality ahead of you.
It may seem strange and false, but it works.
All the best.

[MysticLady]

Hello Depressed.......I read your story and let me tell you what "I" not you would do(who knows, maybe you will). I'd pack my bag and get out of there. I'd find another place to be. I would move to the west coast, east coast, heck, even the south coast and start fresh. Find where its booming. Heck, come down here to Texas. We're punching holes looking for black gold and we need drillers and the folks to feed them. Open up a taco truck or something. Don't sit there and let your female essence wear you down. Use your male essence to move forward into the unknown. Don't be scared. The time has come to, rock and roll baby. Don't wallow in a sorrow that doesn't even belong to you. Kick some Ass and move forward. Do Something, who cares if you need to sleep in your car for a while because you "know" it'll be for a while only ,if need be.

Sorry, it's just my male essence that wants to pick you off the ground and get you going, my friend:hugs:

[Karren H]

Wow.... Katie.... I was really torn up by your story and wish I could help.... the economy is so bad this is going on all over... My son is still at home.... and our neighbor had her son (like 40) move home and he brought his ex-wife and their two kids.... as I look around the neighborhood I see this repeated again and again..... so its not just you... its an epidemic and its not getting better..... If things don't change we will all be in the same sinking boat with you..... you have enlightened me as to what my son must be going through.... so I truly thank you for that and sincerely hope things pick up soon.....

[Vieja]

According to the news reports things are getting better,but slowly. My daughter is caught up in this sequestration thing which will cost her some bucks but at

least she still has a job.


Vieja

[Chickhe]

Ask yourself this question... does the owner of the museum get paid? Does the museum buy supplies and pay other employees? If you are doing work that is valuable to the museum, why are they not paying you? If you were to stop doing the work, would the museum be able to function? ...if you like working there, move yourself to a position that is valued by the museum and do extra work that saves the museum real money (document it) so that you can show that you are more valuable that what the museum pays for your services. Be creative, look at where the museum is spending money and find ways to provide what they need for less cost. Never work for free...that doesn't mean you always need to accept money, but you need to get something of value in return for your time. The great thing about volunteering, generally you have a lot of flexibility. Partner up with the person there who is making money and learn their skills.

[giuseppina]

Hello CorsetAngel

Amanda M has good advice for you. It is my impression you should be speaking with a licensed mental health professional.

I think your best bet is going after the depression and any other underlying issues before doing much about employment. People just don't want to hire a depressed individual.

I haven't had a full time job for years, and I still live at home. A large part of the problem is my mother is unable or unwilling to accept that a computer and an internet connection are valuable tools to find work for an engineering graduate. When I try, my attention is forcibly diverted to work on her house and property.

[docrobbysherry]

Here's the issue, Katie, u don't know how good u really have it! Your parents don't charge u rent and apparently feed u. Their complaining is a small price to pay for what they r giving u!

As Karren says, at your age, u could be married with kids and have lost your job. Then, you'd really be in a hopeless situation! Now, u only have to take care of yourself. How fortunate is that?

U need to change your attitude, maybe change your latitude? Come up with a plan for your future and stick to it. Start apprentasing in a trade or a trade school u mite enjoy and that will pay off for u for the skills u learn. Once people see u r going somewhere, including your folks, they'll give u the credit and respect u will deserve. And, you'll develop confidence in yourself because of your financial and social success.

I cannot tell u how to turn things around. U must want it and do it yourself. Want it badly enuff to plan for success and then do whatever u must to succeed. When and if u do, you'll look back at this period of your life and laff!

[KellyJameson]

You appear to be a sensitive soul living in intolerable conditions. Your writing speaks to a high intellect which often travels with the sensitivities you display.

Creating an environment that complements your sensitivities is crucial to your happiness and survival.

Only by increasing your freedom of choice will there be any hope for you and this will take time.

I would strongly urge you to be careful of placing yourself in any kind of abusive or exploitive situations whether with girlfriends, family or employers because you will be the one used and than thrown away as often happens to sensitive people.

You need to see yourself clearly so that you know what type of world to build for yourself.

You probably are creative and people who are creative MUST create. It is a compulsion that must be served.

Your mind must be fed just as your stomach does and it must be stretched just as your muscles are.

The life you are living is abusing your mind and this is causing your severe pain.

Finding a career that suits your temperament is essential to your happiness and survival and second to that you must be careful of the sexual relationships you enter into because with your sensitivities only sensitive women such as yourself will respond well to you.

Watch out for predatory women because it is likely you will draw them into your life and be drawn to them for rescue.

Consider your loves and passions when considering your work. If you love books or the arts or nature or animals try to find ways to work in areas that complement these interests.

Consistently I have noticed that men who crossdress are highly sensitive and gravitate to the arts or sciences and this may be true for you.

If you have a strong interest in fashion or something related to this than that is another area that may be a stepping stone toward a career for you.

You are drifting like a rudderless ship and I think this may come from not knowing how to fit into the world so that you bring value to it and so the world can return value to you.

You may need to leave the area of the country you live in to pursue opportunities elsewhere and this will take courage and financial resources.

The depression will resolve itself as you begin to experience the hope that small successes bring.

You need to expand your world to expand your choices because it is only in these expanded choices where you will find the building blocks that will be needed to bring you happiness.

Think of yourself as drowning in a swamp and you must find a way to swim out of it.

[CherylFlint]

I ditto exactly what MysticLady wrote.
We ALL go through stages, and being a CD doesn’t make it any easier, but maybe it makes it a lot more rewarding.
Keep the Faith, Sister.

[mary something]

The depression will resolve itself as you begin to experience the hope that small successes bring.

You need to expand your world to expand your choices because it is only in these expanded choices where you will find the building blocks that will be needed to bring you happiness.

I wanted to quote Kelly because to me this is very important. Depression is when you don't feel enough hope.

You are at a point in your life where change is needed, that is why you are feeling the pain that you experience.

You need to treat your depression in a twofold manner. Go to the nearest Dr and tell them the level of depression you feel, they will most likely prescribe a medicine that will help in the short term at least.

Then focus on the problem that your lack of resources causes you. You are performing valuable work for an institution that is not renumerating you for your talents and time. That is why you don't have the resources that you need to pursue therapy.

You should either be paid for your work at the museum or find another way to spend that time that will benefit you financially, since that is one of the solutions to your problems. Remember that even if you need to step away from the museum for a while to take care of yourself that it will make you even better later if you want to return.

I would be shocked if they wouldn't want your free contributions later if you do have to part ways for a while.

Then find a therapist who offers a sliding scale payment plan. Work with them to learn how to systematically handle your problems individually, without getting overwhelmed by all of them at once.

Try to organize your day and structure your time to stay busy and productive.

[ossian]

Katie, I've been in your shoes at various times in my life. Things WILL get better.

One thing to try, on the therapy front, is find a local university with a PhD program in clinical psychology. These are places where therapist learn their trade. You can get therapy that is supervised by top notch researchers in the field at little cost.

[MysticLady]

Hi Katie, just checking in. I what to know what you've gathered from our thoughts on your situation? Are you ready? When will this new you start? Please let us know.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

What Mystic Lady said... We all want to keep an eye out for you to make sure your still moving forward. Let us know whats up or if there is anything within our realm that might help even in some small way

*hugs*
Bethany

[Gocaps14]

I think grant writing is a marketable talent, and now you have experience in that area.

[busker]

It may be a bit embarrassing to ask for assistance, but most counties have medical facilities and they do include helping people with low / no income. You are in Cincinnati and there should be among the county services, mental health services. You do need to change some things in your life but first you need to stabilize your own life in order to move on. start by looking in the telephone book or on the internet for your county--search medical services.
try this place -Crossroads Heath center "no one turned away if they can't pay-and they offer mental health services.
http://www.crossroadhc.org/
or this place
http://www.hrcci.org/
Sometimes when the s**t falls , we just need to get a bigger umbrella.
best of luck

[Alice Torn]

Katie, You sound a lot like me, with your situation, and depression. I am 59, still single, no girlfriend, had to move back to help with my toxic, nazi brothers, and extremely antisocial, self pitying 92 yo father, who may well live to 100, the doctor said. My ofamily has controlled me my whole life, or tried to. But, now, it is much worse! I have a feeling my older evil brother found out about my dressing, or something. he is acting very cruel to me now, just like in childhood. Like you, i am looking for work, and have no friends in my town, and cannot risk being outed anymore. I go to the VA hospital for antidepressants, and see a therapist, but we don't get very far into solving things. My church condemns LGBTG, and dressing. So, I must be careful not to out myself, in many areas of life. I am lonely, too, wish i had a nice girlfriend GG, but, being poor also, could never have the income, to support a mate, let alone kids!! You are not alone in this. Many men are high and dry, and underemployed, or jobless today. I don't see it getting better soon. These are very trying times for men who would like to have mates, , even without the art of dressing! I have had to go to low income clinics, food banks, on food stamps now, too. I used to dumpster dive, for cans, and bottles to cash in! And, when walking, scan along the streets for coins, or bills! Sometimes i find pocket change, near a dollar. We must be survivors.

[larry]

Well I am not sure about this thread . Is this person real ? Are they ok ? Are we just talking to each other ? Sure hope all is well.

[Leona]

Have you considered seeing an abuse counselor? Many women's shelters and other providers of abuse counseling services have programs for men as well (dunno if I'd try to use the CD angle to get a counselor that doesn't have a program for men). And they provide these services free of cost. What you've described to me, including family and previous employment, sounds like long-term abuse. No friends, but you were with her for 10 years? How does that work, exactly?

I'd check with your local SANE program (as my friend who is a director of the SANE program in her area recommended to me at one point...).

[CorsetAngel]

Thank You everyone for all the advice, and suggestions. I've read all of them. Sorry I haven't gotten back on here for a few days, I try to keep myself busy for the sake of my own sanity. Some of the suggestions given to me, I've already have had, and want to follow through with. Others well, I've felt have been a little harsh, but I know no one here has meant anything harmful, or bad, so I'm not offended.

When I wrote this thread, I was up all night, unable to sleep. That's how I am most of the times. I also, didn't go into a lot of details of my issues, because... well lets face it, WE all have problems from time to time.

I mentioned my living situation, with my parents, and my age. Now let me set some things straight here. My parents and I fight over quite a few stupid things. (Well mostly me mom and I), I do live with them free of rent, but I DO work around the house, do chores, etc... What we fight over, is more like my mom will tell me, when, where, what, and how to do things, and expect me to drop everything at the drop of a dime to do something for her. Then, she'll yell and scream and say how I'm completely worthless, and do absolutely nothing around the house at all. It irritates that she doesn't give me any credit for what I do do. Not to mention, she is completely un-supportive of me trying to go back to school. She thinks I'm wasting my time, and money (that I don't have) on something pointless because of my age. She has told me, that if I wanted to go to school, I should have done that, right after I graduated High School. She thinks at my age, I should already be in an established stable career, and should be settling down starting a family of my own already.

As for the job hunting, well... both of my parents think I should be able to put on a nice suit and tie, print out some resumes and go into companies and fill out a job application, and get hired. They do not believe me, when I tell them that almost all companies anymore hire via online applicants. They think I'm wasting my time on the computer, playing around.
Another issue that they love to bring up is my comparing me to my siblings. I have a older sister (3 years older) who got married straight out of High School, and a year later had her first kid. She's got a nice job, and has bought a nice house with her husband. Well, currently she is undergoing a divorce and her income is hurting so my parents are trying to help her out financially. My younger brother (4 1/2 years younger) is much in the same boat as me. He still lives here at home, but he has a job as a security guard, gets paid around $7 - $8 an hour, and his company works him nearly 96 hours a week. He is tired, so my parents (mostly my mom) leaves him be, and thinks everything is ok with him. "He's not the one screwed up here" is what she'll say to me. Since I'm in the middle, I often get accused of having "Middle Child syndrome" issues.

One of the suggestions given, has been to just pack up, and move somewhere new. Start fresh. Believe me, I have dreamed of doing just that, and have so badly wanted to. Reality is, it takes money to do that. Hence my problem. Plus, I do have deep roots here in my area, but I'm willing to up root myself. I've been looking for a job in other areas of the country to help motivate me. The job market in the Dayton OH (Area where I really live, Cincinnati is where I use to live/work when I joined here) region sucks. It's mostly health care industry, which I have no desire to get into. As I mentioned before, the museum I'm working at, is what I really love. Things is, NO BODY at the museum is paid. It's ALL VOLUNTEER. That has a lot to do with how it's operated, funded, and the kind of museum it is. It's a Veteran's Memorial Museum, which we collect and showcase the history of local veteran's services in our Country's History. We've got artifacts, and stories ranging from the Revolutionary War, up to the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. My area of expertise is in the WWI era. The museum is staffed by veteran's and family members of vets. (My Great grandfather served in WWI, and my grandfather served in WWII)
In school, I started out as a business major, but after I took one Western Civ. class, I impressed my professor with my knowledge of history, she has convinced me to take on a history major as well. Since then, I've taken and past with all A's every major history class my school has offered. I just need to start taking all the little more specialized history classes now. This professor, has became a good friend, and mentor, and I meet with her every now and then for lunch or something. She has even been at the museum I work at, to check out what I'm doing there.

This has been one of the most up beat, and positive things going for me, and helps me keep hope that things will turn out alright. My over all plan with working there, has been just the experience so I can write it down on my resume, and give me some credentials for a future career in that sort of work. I think I want to become a curator of a historical museum, but I've been told I would make a great teacher in a history class.

Right now, my problem is money, and I know that is only a temporary issue. When I wrote my original post, I mentioned it a lot. But it is not my only problem. That night I was also feeling very lonely and hurt over the recent break up I had with my previous girlfriend. I know, the whole "there's other fish in the sea" bit, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I've spoken to a few members here, via PM about things, and I'm feeling a bit better. I just got to keep looking upward, and trying. I am depressed, I'll admit it. But I'm not stupid, and I won't do anything like off myself. I know I've got something to live for, I'm just not sure what it is exactly yet.

I think of the line in the movie Batman Begins. "Why do we fall?, It's so that we can learn to pick ourselves back up." There's is a lot of truth in that statement. I've fallen, sometimes I need help, but I know I can pick myself back up. I just occasionally needed reminding of that.

Thanks Again Everyone.
Katie.

[Cheryl123]

Hi Katie ... someone once told me when you are walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death -- keep walking. As long as you keep moving, you're doing the right thing. A path forward will open up, although you can't see it yet. Whatever your course of action, the more friends you can surround yourself with ... the better you life will be. Most people I have know have gone through dark periods ... so don't think these things happen to you. Here's to wishing you all the luck and may you know happiness very soon.

[MsRenee]

Im thinking there has to be some kind of support group in yourarea that doesnt charge for you to attend.
I would check into that to hrlp you deal with some of the issues you have stated.
Its a start and I wish you good luck hun.
Renee

[MysticLady]

What we fight over, is more like my mom will tell me, when, where, what, and how to do things, and expect me to drop everything at the drop of a dime to do something for her. Then, she'll yell and scream and say how I'm completely worthless, and do absolutely nothing around the house at all. .

Hi Katie, I know the feeling, except it was from the wife.:doh:



It irritates that she doesn't give me any credit for what I do do. Not to mention, she is completely un-supportive of me trying to go back to school. She thinks I'm wasting my time, and money (that I don't have) on something pointless because of my age. She has told me, that if I wanted to go to school, I should have done that, right after I graduated High School. She thinks at my age, I should already be in an established stable career, and should be settling down starting a family of my own already..

Says this cause she sees you going nowhere....fast. Has reached a limit where she doesn't know what else to do with you or tell you to get you motivated.



Since I'm in the middle, I often get accused of having "Middle Child syndrome" issues..

Forgive me but, I see this as an excuse.



In school, I started out as a business major, but after I took one Western Civ. class, I impressed my professor with my knowledge of history, she has convinced me to take on a history major as well..

That's great. Did you ask her to pay for it?



I am depressed, I'll admit it. But I'm not stupid, and I won't do anything like off myself. I know I've got something to live for, I'm just not sure what it is exactly yet.

Well, lets get working on that like.....yesterday:D

Katie, I understand that your down in the dumps. Alright, Lets get organized and move forward. But, we need to get out of 1st gear. To get into 6th gear your going to have to revved up that engine. Blow out some of the carbon out and get going. Don't stay in one place hoping for the best. You GO.:hugs:

[Leona]

As for the job hunting, well... both of my parents think I should be able to put on a nice suit and tie, print out some resumes and go into companies and fill out a job application, and get hired. They do not believe me, when I tell them that almost all companies anymore hire via online applicants. They think I'm wasting my time on the computer, playing around.


Actually, most companies hire without ever posting online or reading an application. You volunteer at a museum? You go to school? NETWORK.

Also check out the "Ask the headhunter" series on PBS. Those stories show up in my google news feed every now and then.

[giuseppina]

... What we fight over, is more like my mom will tell me, when, where, what, and how to do things, and expect me to drop everything at the drop of a dime to do something for her. Then, she'll yell and scream and say how I'm completely worthless, and do absolutely nothing around the house at all. It irritates that she doesn't give me any credit for what I do do. Not to mention, she is completely un-supportive of me trying to go back to school. She thinks I'm wasting my time, and money (that I don't have) on something pointless because of my age. She thinks I'm wasting my time, and money (that I don't have) on something pointless because of my age. She has told me, that if I wanted to go to school, I should have done that, right after I graduated High School. She thinks at my age, I should already be in an established stable career, and should be settling down starting a family of my own already.

That is nothing more than a power, control and guilt trip. It is also pure, unadulterated bullfeathers. I started an accredited full-time (the only variety available here) electrical engineering degree at 31 and finished with a B- GPA four years later. Granted, I had a math degree under my belt, but education is almost never a waste of time. In Canada, student loans are available to cover most of the cost of tertiary education.


As for the job hunting, well... both of my parents think I should be able to put on a nice suit and tie, print out some resumes and go into companies and fill out a job application, and get hired. They do not believe me, when I tell them that almost all companies anymore hire via online applicants.

As I mentioned in my previous post, this is standard advice from a career counsellor. I received an open accusation of prevaricating over that one. Even the McJob ads are going online only around here.


Another issue that they love to bring up is my comparing me to my siblings. I have a older sister (3 years older) who got married straight out of High School, and a year later had her first kid. She's got a nice job, and has bought a nice house with her husband. Well, currently she is undergoing a divorce and her income is hurting so my parents are trying to help her out financially. My younger brother (4 1/2 years younger) is much in the same boat as me. He still lives here at home, but he has a job as a security guard, gets paid around $7 - $8 an hour, and his company works him nearly 96 hours a week. He is tired, so my parents (mostly my mom) leaves him be, and thinks everything is ok with him. "He's not the one screwed up here" is what she'll say to me. Since I'm in the middle, I often get accused of having "Middle Child syndrome" issues.

Your mother needs some lessons in parenting. Comparisons between children are, to be polite, unhelpful. Regarding your younger brother, his hours would be considered a violation of the labour code here. There is a maximum, but it is substantially less than what he is working. It also sounds like your sister didn't make a very good choice when she married her now ex, but it won't pay to tell her what she already knows.


One of the suggestions given, has been to just pack up, and move somewhere new. Start fresh. Believe me, I have dreamed of doing just that, and have so badly wanted to. Reality is, it takes money to do that. Hence my problem. Plus, I do have deep roots here in my area, but I'm willing to up root myself. I've been looking for a job in other areas of the country to help motivate me. The job market in the Dayton OH (Area where I really live, Cincinnati is where I use to live/work when I joined here) region sucks.

Do you have money for a core i3 laptop or the equivalent (locally about C$450 after taxes) ? That is what I've just done. I also have a portable internet connection (runs on the cellphone network) so I can go to the library to look for work without interference. If you have a cellphone, perhaps I can suggest a portable internet connection is a better use of the same money.

If you want to get into the history business and be paid for it, chances are high you will need at least a master's degree, possibly a doctorate so you can teach at a university if there are no paid museum jobs. Most universities discriminate against those without a PhD or the equivalent for teaching positions in all faculties. That being said, history is not my field of interest as paid employment.

[Jenny Gurl]

First of all :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Once you are working in a career that has a future, pays the bills, and you don't hate, you will be set. Sounds like a high goal, but that's why they call it a goal and not a stepping stone. If you can close your eye's and play the "what if" game you will be at peace when you find the solution in you mind. If you had a career with a future, you would not be depressed about your financial situation. Your parents insults would be a known falsehood since you will be working in a successful career, and you will stand a good chance of being able to start "mate hunting" because you will know you can provide a future for your mate, and will have the self confidence to date one and not have to give a summary of your current situation when your mate prospect asks "what do you do, where do you live, etc". So to me it sounds like this would go a long way to solving your problem, I know easier said than done. When you go fishing for a big fish you don't drop your fishing line in a mud puddle. When looking for a career, you will be much less likely to find one in a small organization that has few employees. Do you have an awesome resume? You need to put one together if you don't. On your resume you can list all the skills that will make you valuable to a prospective employer, and don't be shy. Computer skills, programs you are familiar with like Microsoft Office, etc. If you know office, I would list them separately. If you are familiar with excel, list it. Your skills or accomplishments do not have to be paid jobs, if you wrote a great letter that got a grant for your museum include it. In fact, I have known people to see something they would like on the resume and actually volunteer to do something just so they could include it as a skill. Creative writing may be the key to landing that dream career you have been waiting on, so spend some time writing that awesome resume. I don't know if you have a smart phone, but if you do there is an app called pda net that allows you do tether your phone to your computer with a standard usb cable and do some of your research in private if you use a laptop. It works on Android and Iphone. Sounds like you need to get out of the house on a regular basis until you do get that career going where you can move out permanently. That environment is poisoning you and compounding the problem.

Many people get a large part of their identity and self esteem from their jobs. Although your museum job doesn't pay money, you are experiencing what it is like to work in a job where your efforts are appreciated, and they treat you with respect. If there are no positions that pay there that you can realistically shoot for, you will have to look elsewhere, that is the cold hard fact. You already know what you need to do, you know the path that will lead to your success, you can at least rest assured that you are doing the right ones and not stress over that. The job market is tough at the moment, and you may need to take a few jobs that aren't dream jobs before you land the one you want to stay with. As long as you don't tell yourself "this is as good as it get's and I'll never get the job I am happy with", you still have hope. And to quote a line from the Shawshank Redemption, "Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". Great movie, if you have never seen it, I highly recommend it.

Some area's are more depressed than others. I realize you have a base to work from there with your parents, but if a good opportunity presents itself you might prepare yourself to pick up roots and replant in an area that is growing not dieing. An example is Michigan is seeing one of the worse economic times in decades, while Texas is still booming. If you leave on good terms at home, I'm sure they would be glad to see you give something a shot. It's good to know if it doesn't work out you can return so I would not burn any bridges if it is your only port in a storm.

Good luck to you and your endeavors, remember you always have friends here you can talk to.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

This is a strange piece of advice but, if you are lucky enough to be an alcoholic, go to an AA meeting. A person who looks just like me has three "problems." The first was that I just drank a little too much and didn't feel good about it the next day. The second was a 24/7 pot smoking thing. The third was CD.

When I go to meetings, my "alcohol" was the first two. I don't consider CD a problem but it does affect my life and how live. Be very careful to not confess or ever talk about CD to this crowd. Nobody will understand. I confine my topic to drinking, if I talk at all. Most of the time, I just listen and learn that everybody has problems, especially in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.