How has transition and divorce affected your children?

[Anne2345]

To those who have children and have been through divorce as a result of a transition (whether your transition or that of your SO), how did your child or children handle it? What were the circumstances? How old were the children at the time? Have they adjusted well? How has it worked out for all involved and affected?

[ReineD]

Anne, I know two people who were married and transitioned. The others who've transitioned were already divorced or they were never married.

Transitioner "A" is an engineer and managed to transition on the job. She stayed married to a lovely supportive wife, and her then teenage son fully supported her. Her son is gay and my friend fully supports her son too. Over the years she has had FFs and she looks like a GG to me, although a bit on the tall side at just over 6'.

Transitioner "B" also is an engineer who was able to transition on the job, and who had the added bonus of being transferred to a new location where no one she worked with had known her in guy mode. She doesn't pass as easily though, since she is taller. Also, it's hard to tell if she has had FFS or not since her facial features are rather on the masculine side. She divorced just before beginning her transition, the wife stopped talking to her, the daughters took the wife's side and also stopped talking to her. She recently found out through social sites that her daughter had her first grandchild. No one bothered to tell her.

[mary something]

It has a lot to do with how the other parent in the situation perceives it. Whatever her opinion is could be shared by the children

Like anything else I would think that having expectations of a successful result would make it more likely than trying to protect yourself from future pain by anticipating an unhappy result. Either way it will hurt if the relationship suffers for a while, might as well take your best shot at it.

[Nicole Brown]

OK, Let's see both of my children, my daughter age 40 and my son age 38 know of, have met and totally accept Nicole. I have flown to the west coast and spent entire weeks with my daughter as Nicole and my son and his wife have decided that when their first child is born next week I will be called and known as Auntie Niki.

In fact, when my Ex announced that she was going to host Thanksgivings this year, but exclude Nicole, both of my children informed her that they would not be attending unless I was invited. Thus, my non accepting Ex has now been motivated to not only include me, but has also approached me for several favors knowing that Nicole would be performing the favors. I of course happily agreed to help her.

[groove67]

I am totally with nicole as my x wanted a man in her life and i did two. My two daughters are vey close to me and totally except me as a woman and really as mother as there mother does not spent much time with them busy with her boyfriend. So i say i am very close with my daughters they are the love of my life. Oldest getting married in july walking her down the aisle in a dress as she wants me to be whom i am. I love them and i could not have more support than i have from them. They are flying with me in october to pa where iam havinf srs surgery they want to be there to support and care for me. Guess i am lucky woman to havev great daughters like i have i love them both so much. Marianne

[Inna]

One of the most beautiful and immensely powerful moments I have lived through was when my son answered with loving care to the news I have shared with him 3 years ago. I, have told him that I have reached the moment of reckoning, and life as we all know it would end. I proceeded to tell of transgender condition and that I was in fact such individual. He looked at me and calmly said "Now everything makes sense.............MOM" I cried as I do now, for it was one of the most significant events along the path towards truth, and within the words of this young man, I heard "I Love You" like I never before imagined.
I have lost my wife to the insecurities, my father, some of my friends, but those who have remained were the truth, pure loving, unconditional.

Now from the perspective of time, I can see, that my loss in the ones I wanted to call Loved Ones, but who turned away, in reality, was gain! Gain of truth, gain of strength in truth and revelation of unconditional love, only visible during the most gruesome of tests.

[bas1985]

"Now everything makes sense.............MOM"

Yes, this is one of a-ha moments which you will never forget and which will compensate for all the sorrows and obstacles which transition may give.

In Italy we say that children speak with the angels.

[Allsteamedup]

Your family can try depend.org a site which offers access to both older children able to do their own searches for any concerns they may have about a transitioning parent and help for parents of younger children by way of printed material.

The chief damage to children is their loss of a male role model or/and protector (unless a step-father comes along willing to undertake this role). Another well-researched factor is the age of the children. If involved in their own puberty, both teenaged boys and girls lose the benefit of a strong male figure in their lives. The hard part for you is to realise that you remain a parent but without the gender role; they already have a mother, so you are more or less a 'spare' female.

Younger children in particular are very protective. You may think that a straightforward explanation well-received is the end of the matter. Young children have perceptions you would find hard to imagine. Most particularly they can be so protective they are more like a parent towards you than a child. You may perceive this as a good thing. They are not objecting to your new persona. In fact there is an awful lot going on under the surface but you are so wrapped up in your transition you don't notice.

A new home and a new lifestyle always causes problems for children, as does a new economic reality and newly introduced 'friends' of Mum's. Added to the usual stresses of a newly-divorced family is grief, the grief of losing the parent in the role children have come to expect.

Nobody ever said this would be easy.

[LeaP]

I wonder what lesbian parents would say about some of the comments in post #8.

My own view of children - we have 6 - is that pre-teens are extraordinarily adaptable and resilient. Teens are case by case ... and my mileage varied radically from one to another.

[Anne2345]

Nobody ever said this would be easy.

I can assure you I have never thought this would be easy. In fact, what I do has been the absolute hardest thing in my life ever. Would that it could be easy . . . .

[Naomi Newman]

ive thought about this alot myself, and its just something you have to go through to get where you want to be, i dont know if i could go that far but i guess you would have to if you want a transistion

[ReineD]

I wonder what lesbian parents would say about some of the comments in post #8.

I think it's imperative for both parents to be totally on the same page, as they are when in love and in a homosexual relationship. The kids aren't placed in a position of feeling conflict between both parents.

But I believe it is rather rare for couples, one of whom is transitioning, to go forward with the transition with equal happiness. Unless a wife is supportive and plans to stay the course, kids will sense the unhappiness caused by the change in their father's gender status, both by observing their mother's general level of unhappiness and their father's feelings of being torn over their mother's emotional states.

In Anne's case, I think her wife needs to come to terms with Anne's gender status ASAP and at least learn to recognize that their child needs to not feel any conflict even if it means Anne's wife keeping all her feelings in check and outwardly supporting Anne's decision despite having made a decision to separate (if she does indeed plan to separate in the event of Anne's transition). Can Anne's wife do this?