Is it a lonely life?

[dreamer_2.0]

I've gotten this impression from various threads and comments but wanted to just come out and ask.

Is the TS life a lonely road? Every situation is different but overall do TS girls (pre and/or post op) find dating and friends difficult to maintain?

You may be whole now with your new body, but are you lonely?

[Lorileah]

I have more friends now than ever. I have many "T" friends in all stages. But then I am getting out a lot more now too

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It is an unavoidable risk. Especially at the beginning.
It's especially dependent on what happens to your family relationships and of course your SO if you have one

That being said, if you are driven to develop close relationships in your correct gender role, its on you if you can't.

[Kalista Drake]

I agree with Lorileah. I am really much more friendlier now (3 1/2 years on HRT pre-op still) and so it's actually easier to make friends! :)
Also, the 'quality' of my friends has very much improved! I mean they are more like 'family' than just friends. I guess that explains why we (TG's/TS's) often call each other 'sisters'. :battingeyelashes:

[kellycan27]

A lonely road yes, a lonely life..... ( speaking for myself) no. I have a lot of friends old and new. Family wise it's just my mom and she's come to grips with it. I am married and have 2 adopted kids. My in laws know and have accepted me into their family. I am blessed!

[Jorja]

I think it depends on what type of person you are. If your the shy and quiet type your going to be lonely. If your the outgoing friendly type your going to have plenty of friends. It's up to you.

[Kalista Drake]

Actually I was the shy type for most of my life!! Until I started on HRT. :) The hormones made a HUGE difference to my personality!! For the better! :) I have lots of good friends now, male, female, or trans too! :) Actually, all of my friends now are either L,G,B, and/or T !!

[Badtranny]

Yes.

Transition is something that will forever mark you as different than everyone else. A rare few will assimilate and pass through life unnoticed, but most will always be recognizable as "other".

[arbon]

Yes it can be lonely. The process has been lonely, and even still it feels lonely it some ways even though I have my partner and daughter and a lot of friends.

[STACY B]

Lonely ,, I wish ,,, You being trans has no bounds on how much you interact with people ,, Dam you can't catch it ,,lol,,,

Just go about your everyday stuff an sluff off the rest ,,, Hell try an find people like you an then you know you will have something to talk about !! Or maybe just tell people that are NOT like you an Educate the rest of the world for us ?

P.S. THANX !!!

[sandra-leigh]

Is it a lonely road? It is for me. Always has been, long before I realized that I was a cross-dresser.

Being on the fringes is a constant theme in my life.

Dating: I've only had one date in my life (and we took a quick dislike to each other.) I had to go to another continent to find my previous relationship, and my current one is someone born in a different continent. Projected future dates if I do not transition: zero. Projected future dates if I do transition: ummmm... one?

Friends: If/when I go full time, I can only think of 4 or 5 non-family that I would speak to in person (by phone), and only one of those "immediately".

There isn't a lot of "downhill" left for me to go as far as social relations are concerned. And I can be sure that no matter what I call myself, there will still be people wanting me to do their computer homework for them.

[Aprilrain]

I don't think loneliness is a trans only issue, there are lots of lonely people in the world. If you transition you will likely lose some people but you will likely gain some people too. Like everything transition related its a crap shoot.

[dreamer_2.0]

Hell try an find people like you an then you know you will have something to talk about !! Or maybe just tell people that are NOT like you an Educate the rest of the world for us ?

Still very much in the closet about this so meeting people with similar interests is a challenge. I attempted to get to a TG Support group this past weekend but ended up chickening out. I'll get there one day...

Till then, going to continue educating myself before moving on to the world.

[mary something]

there are other conditions that are MUCH more lonely than being TS. I'm sure it has it's hurdles, but so does being the only black kid in a school, or albino, or a quadriplegic.

If you want to have friends find common interests, smile, and listen twice as much as you talk to them.

If you're lonely and not sure about how to make new friends then go volunteer somewhere. It's essential to happiness to be doing something for someone other than yourself sometimes. You'll make friends too.

99% of life is about showing up.

[dreamer_2.0]

I think it depends on what type of person you are. If your the shy and quiet type your going to be lonely. If your the outgoing friendly type your going to have plenty of friends. It's up to you.

In that case, I'd be doomed. Unless of course HRT affected my personality positively, like it did for Kalista. Fingers will be crossed should I take that step.


there are other conditions that are MUCH more lonely than being TS. I'm sure it has it's hurdles, but so does being the only black kid in a school, or albino, or a quadriplegic.

If you want to have friends find common interests, smile, and listen twice as much as you talk to them.

Words of wisdom.

[Kalista Drake]

A good support group can help immensely! At least it did/does for me. My group is an LGBT support group so I've met all kinds of people! Been going to it for about 3 years. I was weary the 1st time I went too!! I was very shy which didn't help! The thing is - they all (there's about 8 that show up regularly so it's a small group) support me and each other!! We have become a great 'family'!! I hope you can find a nice 'family' too!! I suggest going there 2 or 3 times to get a good 'feel' of the group. then if you don't like it then don't go again but, at least you will have tried. Who knows? you might even like the group! :)

[Kittie]

I think it depends on what type of person you are. If your the shy and quiet type your going to be lonely. If your the outgoing friendly type your going to have plenty of friends. It's up to you.

This - it's in your hands for the most part. I am not particularly religious, but this quote sums up my sentiment precisely:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

[KellyJameson]

I have always identified as female even when I consciously pushed the identification out of my conscious awareness.

This identity is a living thing that guides your behavior beneath your own awareness until you "identify it" and see how it has shaped you.

All living things wish to survive and identity is no exception so my identity as "me" compelled me to remove myself from anything that would challenge it.

I automatically avoided anything that forced me into gender roles that were expected by others.

This means all men who expect men to act like men and all females who expect men to act like men which is a sizable part of humanity.

I would only connect with those who also did not "fit in" which were largely the misfits and cast offs of society.

People who were "fringe" for whatever reason if their humanitarian values matched my own.

This is a very small group of people compared to the sea of humanity and I usually only found them in books.

What I "am" pushed me into having relationships with people through meeting them in books so I am alone but not necessarily lonely.

I think loneliness for the transsexual will be decided by how you adapt to being a transsexual.

I love humanity but I have found connection with any one member of humanity to be difficult except in those rare instances where I meet someone walking a similar path.

Transsexuality certainly threatens loneliness but it does not have to be the final verdict.

We are exotic birds of feather so for us certainly "adapt or die" carries unusual hurdles not faced by most people.

We must be particularly careful about not isolating ourselves while accepting that we are always going to be "different" from 99 and 9/10 percent of humanity even when you are able to be completely stealth.

We will always relate to the world in ways that are unique to the transsexual and you carry this with you.

We look out of our eyes differently than those who are not transsexual and this is inescapable.

Intuitive people will feel your difference even when they do not see it. They may not know what this difference is but they will still feel it and you may "feel" them "feeling this difference" and if you are uncomfortable with it you could "pull away"

I think it is important to become comfortable with people experiencing you as unusual even when they do not know why otherwise you could escape into yourself and go into loneliness

[StephanieC]

Dreamer_girl: Getting in the support group should help you with your self-confidence. They get involved, perhaps at your local LGBT. That might lead to something outside the LGBT community. Local friends would also help. For me, I was fortunate to luck into a LGBT choir which became a non-LGBT choir and lots of splinter groups along the way.

Discover a group which piques your fancy. Perhaps even volunteering (LGBT might be a good start). Be open to new things. Try to let your natural self shine through: that's what people will see...l.beyond the shell.

-stephani

[Angela Campbell]

Lonely....yes. But it has been so all of my life. I isolated myself from childhood because I didn't know how to be around other people. They might find out ....they don't want to know me anyway, I don't understand them and they don't understand me. No one knew me and no one could ever know me.

Once I joined a TG group (2 in fact) I made more friends in less than a year than I did my whole life. I go out and I visit and I almost have a life.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Dreamer! May I suggest that you take your time and let your spirit unfold. You don't know what you'll be like tomorrow as transgender, anymore than you'd know what you'll be like tomorrow if you weren't. Always be kind and speak the truth, YOUR truth to potential new friends. Don't take it personally, one way or the other if you think that someone doesn't like you. It's their trip, not yours. Don't make assumptions about what other people are thinking of you. Neither you or anyone else is a mind reader. And always do your best for your self and everyone else.

Love and respect,

Ann

[Nicole Erin]

dating can be a nightmare.
But lonely - not really. Your social circle may change but not necessarily diminish. I do have a couple TG friends and some non-TG friends. My family relationships have not changed.
Once you learn to accept yourself, you will run into few problems. Oh sure there will always be some pricks who have problems but they are not usually the type of people you would associate with either way.

[Katelyn B]

Not in the slightest,

Why would your life be lonely? Yes, as someone pointed out there will be something other about you, but the same is true for so many people that isn't any impediment to surrounding yourself with awesome people. They might be different from those pre-transition, my best friends would not have been cis women for example, and I probably wouldn't know quite so many trans women, but now there are so many fabulous, interesting, strong, funny people around me my life is immeasurably richer. Heck, yesterday my girlfriend and I took her mother to Legoland for the day, and had a lovely time, just three women wandering about having fun.

I guess people can choose to believe that or not, if proof is so desperately sought that you can live an awesome fulfilling life full of friends and family post transition then my FB page is linked in my signature, add me as a friend and feel free to peruse my photo's

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes.

Transition is something that will forever mark you as different than everyone else. A rare few will assimilate and pass through life unnoticed, but most will always be recognizable as "other".

I disagree.

I get maam'd all day and all night. I got lots of cattle

here is the proof

[josee]

Thanks for the picture Kaitlyn! The FFS is really paying off for you.
I haven't laughed so much in forever!!!
My life is truly richer also. The quality of friends is way improved.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have had some really bizarre experiences here with people that had built up an intricate fantasy situation for themselves (right down to therapist meetings that never actually happened) that only became apparent as they privately corresponded with me

[stefan37]

I am a complete fabrication

[Marleena]

Lol @ picture! I see some paranoia creeping in here. I will reveal my endo that I see that requires a gender therapist for a referral if need be. Or I could scan my prescriptions, or...I could take pictures of my boobs and time stamp them etc.lol I have a few close friends here that know me well enough that I'm for real. Those are the people that really count anyways.:)

Seriously I take people at face value here. Some could be complete fakes or make shit up but it doesn't matter because it's just a forum.

[mary something]

stefan and Kaitlyn, thanks for the humorous responses. If my programmer had installed a sense of humor I would have laughed. Logically I know this post proves my point.

[Marleena]

I am a complete fabrication

I think you'll need to prove that now Stefan.:)


Misty is obviously who she says she is her website is proof enough. She's totally open about it and there is no doubt in my mind, along with a few of my real close friends here. I see no reason to question the other regulars here either.

Dreamer I'm not far enough along to say much but the loneliness has been there all my life. I could not let anyone discover who I was. I thought I was alone in the world. Build up the courage to join that support group because it could be a life changer. A forum is no substitute for meeting other people like yourself. We're not even sure who's who here.lol.

[josee]

OK everybody I have the perfect solution for this dilemma.

We have a big meet up somewhere say DC. Everyone show up we'll call it TrannyCon 2013. Then we won't be lonely. At the party the night of the con everyone gets naked and we can see who's real and who's not. Who's with me???

[Marleena]

Lol... I'm in! I'll bring the clothes I have on in my avatar too.:)

[Kathryn Martin]

Is the TS life a lonely road? .... You may be whole now with your new body, but are you lonely?

Many people who contemplate transitioning believe that it will solve all of their problems. The meek become bold, the shy become outgoing, the lonely become social butterflies.

In real life transitioning does not change who you are as a human being. If you were a lovely person before you will very likely be a lovely person after. And if you were a jerk, your will be a transitioned jerk.

I am as you describe it whole, and I am not lonely. I fact having completed my transition, I now, finally, can fully express who I am. My soul is the same and now my body can finally do what it was meant to do but for the developmental disability that came as a result of my genetic disposition and hormonal mis-firings during gestation. While my body "switch" was turned male my brain "switch" was turned female. (by the way I have science to prove it).

So I interact with my surrounding in particular ways because I am female, I think in particular ways because I am female, I love and make love in particular ways because I am female. I am fully capable of expressing who I am.

While having a body that lacks congruence is a lonely place to be because everyone wants to communicate with your genitals, I was not lonely for lack of social environment. That has not changed, except everyone now communicates with my genitals the right way that is for who I am, and that has taken away the loneliness that came from the presumption that my disability was more important than my self.

[mary something]

that has taken away the loneliness that came from the presumption that my disability was more important than my self.

that was beautiful Kathryn and it says something so difficult to express so eloquently. I hope you don't mind if I use this sometime.

[arbon]

Along the lines of loneliness

and maybe I am just weird :)

but I really long to be around other trans people. i mean I have all my cis gender friends here, around me, and that is great. And a few of them I can talk pretty openly to about anything, even my trans stuff, and its cool. And I have my wife and daughter. But I'm in the gender and hetro normal world, and its not the same as being around other trans people, or gender diverse, queer, or anything different. And I feel different lol. I think some the loneliness I feel comes from that.

Locally there are a couple other trans women, one of whom I have tried so many times to be friends with and do stuff with, but i don't know what it is about me she does not like - she just always seems like she wants nothing to do with me. The other one I don't know at all really, and am afraid to really approach when I see her.

So I spend a lot of time here, on this site, but don't really connect with anyone as real friends. Heck after this thread I am not even sure if I should believe any of you are actually real :D

And there are some other trans people that i have connected with more regularly through AA on the internet, and we email and skype, a couple people that I talk to on the phone, but its not like people to hang out with in real life.

Then a few times a year I will take a road trip to Boise and hang out for a few hours with some of the trans women and men there. I always just love to be with that group. I just feel normal when I am there, with them. I can let my guard down, and I relate a lot better to them. And I feel a part of, as one of them.

Then I get back home and miss it. Back on my own again being the oddity.

[mary something]

Locally there are a couple other trans women, one of whom I have tried so many times to be friends with and do stuff with, but i don't know what it is about me she does not like - she just always seems like she wants nothing to do with me. .

speaking in generalities of course, most times when people who don't know you very well dislike you it's because of something inside of them that they don't like about themselves that they are reminded of in your presence.

It's their struggle not yours. They are forced to live with themselves of course, but can choose to reject someone else because of what it reminds them of about themselves.

oh, and Kaitlyn- who was your ffs doc? I'd like to know for my own benefit ;)

[Kimberly Kael]

I certainly don't find my life especially lonely. I was never the social butterfly, so I never counted on being the party girl everyone wants to hang out with. I don't expect to meet people in bars, etc. Instead I built up friends and colleagues over a lifetime who respect me — and that didn't change with transition except in a few isolate cases. Much to my relief, that's true of my marriage as well. I have a wonderful partner who is my constant companion. Not that we don't get out occasionally, but we enjoy comfortable evenings at home much more often than not. When we returned to this area after almost a decade, we held an open house with a dozen friends who were delighted to see us again. We have neighbors who love to stop and chat. Friends and family who stay with us from time to time. No, it's not lonely.

One of the more important things for me was to recognize that the social challenges would be different, and to find a way to face them with confidence. Landing a job down here was a huge step for me, and now I have a "work family" as well. I've since led sessions at our annual conference, and I've recently been asked to participate on a panel at an upcoming event unrelated to work. Life is what you make of it. Transition adds challenges and won't solve social problems for you, but it's not an insurmountable barrier, either.

[Marleena]

So I spend a lot of time here, on this site, but don't really connect with anyone as real friends. Heck after this thread I am not even sure if I should believe any of you are actually real :D




I can relate totally Arbon. No TG person will out themselves in my transphobic city out of fear for their own safety. There is nothing in place here for TG/TS people. I need to travel over 100 miles one way to go to my support group.

I'm not shy to PM other people here but most of the time it seems they only reply to me because they need to be polite (maybe it's just me). I have 3 close TS friends here that I trust with just about anything. I have shared emails, pictures, my doctors website, my own website, etc. with my best TS friend here. I've never met her in person but I'd trust her with anything. She even offered her home if I was ever visiting in the States. How cool is that?

[ArleneRaquel]

Not a lonely wife for me. I have more friends than ever.

[sandra-leigh]

I would think that a faker would forge better photos than mine :D

With regards to friendships and social life: there is a substantial difference between "respect" and friendship. I get a fair amount of respect for my technical work and for speaking fairly, but that respect seldom translated into friendships.

Most people have some "gen-dar" (by analogy to "gay-dar"). If most people unconsciously pick up that you do not fit in with your birth gender, and yet do not pick up with any certainty that you are "the opposite" gender, then you might well find that you just don't fit socially. If you are a gender platypus, then you might not be "bird enough" for the birds to consider you one of them, and you might not be "mammal enough" for the mammals to consider you to be one of them.

Facebook pages.... It appears to be common to maintain dual pages until one does one's legal name change. And sometimes after that as well, to make it easier afterwards to have "trans" discussions without people cross-correlating Friends to deduce that you yourself are probably trans. Or to avoid having people who have no business knowing, googling you and finding your angst and fears and difficulties from your time of transition.

My FB page is almost all from the LGBT community, but it is also everyone local who I am in FB contact with (except my SO.) My elderly aunts and uncles, and my second to fifth cousins live 1000 to 3000 miles away, and I haven't seen most of them for 11 years. No need to involve them yet.

[Kalista Drake]

Kittie - That was beautiful! I'm not religious either but that was very well said!

[Nicole Erin]

I disagree.

I get maam'd all day and all night. I got lots of cattle

here is the proof
You sexy bitch you.

[noeleena]

Hi,

I was wondering, ether way, is lonlyness part of the reason some makeup a fantsy about them selfs or does the fantisy make them lonely from what i'v heard many come on the different forums because they dont have a life, not involved with people or groups that they could be & have an interest out side of thier lonely life . any way just a thought,

Now what was the ? are you lonely.
iv known a few people who you would say are lonely not because of being different just they are loner's by thier own nature, just dont mix in. dont wont too ether.

Myself , im part of our community here in Waimate, check it on the map in the south isl between Oamaru & Timaru.

Im a member of a good few groups Edwardian , plus being a commity member as well they must wont me here because i have no say they just tell me your on.

Scottich soc ,as well as members from our Scottish band ,

work at our Museum im incharge of all building's & will get others to help with a number of redoing some of the buildings as repairs as needed, on the commity as well. again no say your on .. so you see its all good remember iv known many here for 15 years, so you get well known.

hopefully we will have a music group going , it was the silver brass band that has been on hold for 5 years so looking at some new members,

So am i lonely, no involved quite a bit,with in our groups iv left one out till an issue has been sorted due to 3 members not understanding because some of us are a bit different itll take a while for them to come around till then i'll bide my time,.

Other wise, im pretty happy with how things have progrest over the years, & family is allso very much a big part of both Jos & i ,,,oh yes wev just had another grandkid'e as of now we have 10 grandkids, she is a lovely 6 lb girl a little early, cant spell the word tummy delivery, her brother says i love holding him. he he ...... so thats cool.

...noeleena...

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

As mentioned in the OP, I've gotten the impression the TS life can be a lonely one and I wanted to hear if that was accurate. And as expected, everyone is different. It is good to hear that many of you aren't lonely. Though I wish that were true for everyone.

Quite a few good points were made as well, such as:

- It's up to you to ensure you're not lonely. Get involved with people and definitely get to that support group.

- Hormones, SRS, or really any type of transitioning won't change who you are inside. If you're a shy, loner now then you'll likely remain that way (though a personality change is possible, it seems)

- Take everything and everyone on here with a grain of salt as we don't know who's legit and who isn't. Somewhat off topic, but good advice nonetheless.

I believe what prompted this thread for me was that I am currently extremely lonely. I'm also quite shy therefore making it difficult to meet new people, especially as I feel so awkward around men and, frankly, dislike them quite a bit. I much prefer the company of women though being so shy makes that very difficult to accomplish. Having this feminine side of me is quite distressing as well. I don't understand who or even what I am. As a result I'm still very much in the closet and keep to myself. Oh the mask I wear at work...

It's likely that I'll remain this way should transition occur. Actually, based on what I currently know of transition, it's possible I'd get worse. Having virtually no confidence living as a man I'd probably have even less trying to live as a woman. Having said that, it is possible for the opposite to happen and feelings of GD and depression abate. Maybe then I'd regain the confidence to live my life again.

As for the possibility of people not being who they say they are, I'm not sure how to respond to that. I for one enjoy the anonymity of the internet, I certainly wouldn't be discussing these topics with random people I meet in person. Having said that, I'm not sure how to prove I am who I say I am, although I think someone previously said I shouldn't worry about proving anything to anyone (maybe I'll post a pic one day if I'm brave enough). Though I would like to openly state I am being more honest with you ladies than I am with most of my friends and all my family. I will let you in on a secret though, besides that I dress like a girl, my real name isn't dreamer_grl. There. Best friends forever now, right? ;)

One last note, I'm very thankful for you all. It's true a forum can't compare to an actual support group but this is pretty much all I've got right now. I don't think I'm TS, but feel I identify more with you ladies than with CDers. This girl side of me feels like it runs much deeper than merely wanting to dress up. Thankfully I'm starting to see a specialist next week. Hopefully she can help me figure things out. Many threads on here have already helped a bit, whether the posters are real or just fantasy personalities.

Thanks for letting me be included in your group. :)

[Kalista Drake]

Nice post. Good luck hun. I hope you find out who/what you are soon. It's got to be stressful - not knowing. I used to be very shy around females too! Not so any more! I am not a Dr. but if I were you I'd ask your therapist to write a note to your Dr. saying that you have GD (gender dysphoria). Then your Dr. can prescribe some hormones. I am not trying to push you into something you don't want to do, just trying to help. From what you said, it sounds like your TS. HRT will change you in many ways. Maybe it will even cure your shyness. It's easier for me to be around females now because I AM one! At least for the most part I am. I FEEL like a female now physically as well as mentally and that has helped me a lot. :)