What Can We Do?

[Julie Gaum]

Today I received a 50 page magazine with excellent articles and pictures that comes out every other month called "The Gay & Lesbian Review" that's distributed world wide (I had once advertised in it, so they still send it.) I also received a mailer from the"Human Rights Campaign" with 1.5 million members that exclusively promotes
LGBT rights. Promted me to wonder what the CD community could start to do to achieve faster acceptance? First, so that we don't use it as an excuse, let's say that there are, counting hetero, bi and gay CDs, almost as many as there are
gays and lesbians. Secondly, let's accept that there are almost as many CDs in
the closet as there are undeclared (not out) non-crossdressing LGBs.
To start out suggestions I would believe that the first step would be to identify and list every CD group that meets whether it's monthly, annually or whenever. Secondly, by a small donation create one office with a full-time Manager, Spokesperson or whatever to coordinate information, publicity and probabably a website and magazine or flyer. Wait, some will say that Tri-Ess does that. Well, I'm a member and they seem to lack the desire to actually take the fight into the open. Third, Encouraging court action to gain acceptance just as the couples that started the Supreme Court victorious action that made the news today. I'll stop now and ask for your ideas. WE CAN!
Julie

[Rogina B]

Problem is that way too many are content to hide in their own world and for one reason or another won't stand up and be counted.It is only T's that are already out there to the world that want to see and benefit possibly from protection of transgender rights,etc. The T's that keep it to themselves don't care.

[AmyGaleRT]

Most organized TG groups seem to be more focused on "looking after our own" and not necessarily on political action, I've noticed. Tri-Ess is among those, as is a new group I've encountered recently, the Association of Transgender Professionals (http://www.transgenderprofessionals.org/). There's no TG equivalent of GLAAD or ACT UP, for instance.

Perhaps this is just our nature...as ladies by choice, we focus on the nurturative aspects of ourselves, and channel that towards helping our sisters. This is effective in helping in small ways, maybe not so effective for helping in larger ways, as in the political arena.

Maybe what we need are a few more ladies willing to march in the streets, holding a banner that says, "We're Here, We're Femme, Get Used To It." :D

- Amy

[arbon]

Get out and about more. Be visible.

I mean most crossdressers are so closeted, invisible to the world. Where I live in a county of 15,000 or 20,000 people we have 3 visible, out, transsexual women (though none of us seem to want to talk to each other or be friends, besides the point), one trans man and one trans boy that goes to my daughters school, and who knows maybe a few more transsexuals that are stealth. But I figure there must be 300, 400, 500 crossdressers around ( you would think there would have to be quite a few
). But where are they? Oh I guess a few come out on Halloween or at some events where they can get away with dressing to be funny (which irritates me). The real brave ones are probably leaving town and heading to Boise for their dressing in public adventures so they can be anonymous, but the great majority are stuck in their closets and to afraid to come out. Like we had one guy that lived next to my mom down the street die a few years ago and the family found pictures of him all dressed up, a lot of pictures. And a few of my friends were gossiping and speculating last year about a man we all know that they noticed had been wearing mascara. But for the most part you don't see or hear about crossdressers.


All those crossdressers that should be the big majority out there are mostly missing from the scene. Us transsexuals here, where I live, had to get out the door and face the community in order to get the acceptance you are talking about, to have that freedom to be ourselves and make our lives work here with all the, you know, normal people. We had to do it.

I guess I can't blame the crossdressers here though, if any of them stepped out their front doors dressed up the whole valley would know by the end of the day, especially in my town.


So how can you do anything to gain more acceptance and understanding and freedom to by you when you are so invisible to everybody?

[sandra-leigh]

It is only T's that are already out there to the world that want to see and benefit possibly from protection of transgender rights,etc. The T's that keep it to themselves don't care.

The experiences in Canada suggest otherwise. Three or four provinces have already passed specific trans-rights legislation. At the federal level, enough members of the majority party broke ranks with the repeated opposition of the Prime Minister, to pass the bill in Parliament (our equivalent of Congress) and it is now before our Senate where it has already passed 2 of the 3 votes (it is not certain that it will pass the 3rd). This progress could only come about because a large number of people, including closeted people and people who are not LGBT themselves, stood up for human rights.

10 years ago, Canada fully legalized gay marriage country-wide, making marriage gender-neutral for all government purposes (including benefits) -- even to the extent that co-habitation in a same-sex relationship is automatically declared a "common-law" marriage under the exact same clauses as for hetero couples. That was not accomplished by only the "out" gay and lesbian population: it was a large scale effort. Indeed, the changes to common-law marriage were opposed by some "out" homosexual men who preferred a culture of moving easily between lovers.

[xdressed]

I'm going to be working on an autobiographical comic book discussing my bi-genderism for my next university project starting in September. If there's enough interest and I have enough money I'll make multiple copies of the book to sell. I've written all about it in this thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?196857-Art-Project-Idea

[Rogina B]

Sandra that is great that things are that way in Canada. Here,the attitude in each state is so different,forward progress within a state is easily blocked at the statehouse.Some of the churches here promote non acceptance of others and use their financial powers to control the way things go at the state capital.Florida is being held hostage in this way,yet other states without the organized haters,move forward easily.

[Kate Simmons]

The only "down" side I can see to this is that to advocate it would cause one to be exposed to the world. Once the Media gets involved, they dig until everything comes out, so there is no way to do it anonymously.This is what prevents a lot of people from carrying the TG "flag". The old story goes that a TG group plans march on the courthouse for rights. The march is 5 miles long. You start out with 100 people. After the 1st mile you turn around and there are only 50 people. After the 2nd mile 25 more have dropped out. After the 3rd mile 10 more have dropped out and 10 more after the 4th. Upon arriving at the court house, you turn around and you are the only one there and in the spot light by yourself. Like many causes most people will hope to enjoy the rights obtained by riding on the coat tails of the few who actually do it. That is just human nature. The best way I can see to accomplish the goal of a positive image is to be a good person and show that in the way we live. In that way, hearts and perceptions are earned one person at a time. :)

[linda allen]

.............. by a small donation create one office with a full-time Manager, Spokesperson or whatever to coordinate information, publicity and probabably a website and magazine or flyer. ........

You're suggesting that we form a union? Crossdressers International? Team up with the AFLCIO?


The only "down" side I can see to this is that to advocate it would cause one to be exposed to the world.

I worked in a high school for several years. One of the librarians was a lesbian, an older woman who didn't make a big deal of it. She started and sponsored a student gay and lesbian club (like a chess or debating club, but for gay and lesbian students and any other students who cared).

That was fine until the school published a list of clubs and listed the members of each club. I'm not sure all of them were comfortable being "outed" by the school administration.

My point being, I agree with Kate, not all of us are in a position to be "outed" for one reason or another.

[5150 Girl]

I guess I just always figgured the TG/CD community would pigtail on the the sucesses of the gay community, seen as how a lot of people assume (note disclaimer) we're gay anyway.

[linda allen]

I guess I just always figgured the TG/CD community would pigtail on the the sucesses of the gay community, seen as how a lot of people assume (note disclaimer) we're gay anyway.

I wish they wouldn't assume that. That's the first question most people will ask when they find out you're a crossdresser; "Are you gay?"

It's one of the things my wife asked me.

[suzy1]

I admire your motives Julie and I wish success in this but the majority of CDers will stay ‘in the closet’ and I am one of them.
I know some here will judge me because of this but my skin is very thick as you know only too well Julie!:heehee:

[Vickie_CDTV]

Problem is, most non-TS are occasional dressers, mostly dress in private and mostly closeted (whether by choice or necessity.) Outside of individual outreach to those struggling with their desire to dress (and their wives who are impacted by it), what would be the goal or agenda for such a publicly visible movement? If most are private about their dressing, and it does not impact their jobs and whatnot, what is the open and public need that needs to be filled?

In all fairness to Tri-Ess, they are primarily a support organization, although they did come out in defense of Peter Oiler who was fired from Winn-Dixie over his off-hours crossdressing. (I don't think anything ever came of that and he lost his case.)

Some trans support groups do have outreach arms that talk to the media whenever trans issues come up in their area (several upstate NY groups have such outreach programs and members who appear in front of the media to give the trans side of the issue.)

If one counts everyone from the TVF (the most reviled segment of the trans community and ironically the biggest percentage of those who crossdress) to the post-op FT TS, then we are probably about the size of the gay community.

[Claire Cook]

Julie,

You are absolutely right, the general public has little idea about who we are and what we are about. Most people probably have the warped Hollywood image of CD's from Psycho / The Silence of the Lambs. or think we are all gay. I don't know if working with CD groups is the answer, but we do need some sort of signifcant PR.

Maybe Arbon has the first step:


Get out and about more. Be visible.

I mean most crossdressers are so closeted, invisible to the world.

Everyone to whom I have come out has taken it in stride, and I consider my coming out to folks a sort of educational process for them. Maybe these small steps will lead to larger ones.

[2B Natasha]

Hi Julie

While we are, to say, a diverse group. We do need to stand together and have one coherent voice that speaks for us. Yes you are right there are groups in about every major city that speak for the local populace and I suspect do what they can. But who is are national voice? What are we doing to get on the national stage?

So a magazine or the like would be one way to go about it, yes. There are unfortunately so many Trans based mag's out there that are all about sex that I would be afraid to lose it in the mess that they are. But let's look at what we can do and what is being done.

This weekend is the anniversary of stonewall and the vast majority of pride parades are this weekend. I have some mixed feelings about the parades. I go and show my support for them and cheer and wave and get dressed up and proselytize to all I meet. Hoping that I can if not change a mind at least answer some questions and dispel some myth's. If your wondering what I have reservations about. It's the leather and the puppy dogs and the BDSM scene and the like. I don't care what they do at home as long as it's between consenting adults. But this is the kind of thing that feeds the uninformed and the Religious Reich to stand up and call us all deviant's and the like. It's not true but if that is what the news shows them and the only images they see then can you blame them?

So what can we do. Well. Organize a separate march is one idea. Like several other cities have following Seattle's lead.

http://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2013/06/trans-pride-to-add-to-capitol-hill-parade-roster-plus-pride-picnic-this-weekend/

March to a park. Bring the media. Bring information booths and hand out information. Invite your neighbor to the event. There are of course pit falls along this path but until we get out there and say we are here how will they know? Distribute the newspaper free at the Pride Parades around the county.

Trying to gather money and start a small news paper or leaflet is a GREAT idea. A tone of work.

We could solicit stories of success from our community. Stores and articles about resources in cities. Borrow story's from the papers around the country. I would think the first paper would have to be funded by one or two people. I think we would need a page layout specialist, an editor, a project manager, and a distribution person. We would need a separate paypal or the like account for donations. We may need to register this adventure as a 501-3C charity. We may need to publish this as an online magazine to start. Less cost involved and for those that are not out of the closet. Nothing that they can leave behind. Or perhaps both?!

It's rambling and convoluted but I think it could be done.


Most organized TG groups seem to be more focused on "looking after our own" and not necessarily on political action, I've noticed. Tri-Ess is among those, as is a new group I've encountered recently, the Association of Transgender Professionals (http://www.transgenderprofessionals.org/). There's no TG equivalent of GLAAD or ACT UP, for instance.

There ARE the equivalent of GLAD and ACT UP. They are small but they exist, FIND them. Send money. Show your support. How will they ever get bigger and more prominent until we do?


All those crossdressers that should be the big majority out there are mostly missing from the scene. Us transsexuals here, where I live, had to get out the door and face the community in order to get the acceptance you are talking about, to have that freedom to be ourselves and make our lives work here with all the, you know, normal people. We had to do it.

I guess I can't blame the crossdressers here though, if any of them stepped out their front doors dressed up the whole valley would know by the end of the day, especially in my town.


So how can you do anything to gain more acceptance and understanding and freedom to by you when you are so invisible to everybody?

Exactly! We as a group do need to get out more and get scene. Yes I understand that there are a plethora of reasons why people can't. But the ones that can. Should.




That was fine until the school published a list of clubs and listed the members of each club. I'm not sure all of them were comfortable being "outed" by the school administration.

My point being, I agree with Kate, not all of us are in a position to be "outed" for one reason or another.

Your right. Not all are. But there are plenty who ARE in a position to get out and be outed so to say. How can you sit on your sofa and watch the news about trans folks all under the umbrella and do NOTHING?


I guess I just always figgured the TG/CD community would pigtail on the the sucesses of the gay community, seen as how a lot of people assume (note disclaimer) we're gay anyway.

Why? The Stonewall Inn and bar was a hangout for Drag queens, Transgender, gay youth and Lesbians. WE WHERE THE TARGET THERE! We where at the start. We don't need to hide in the shadows. This is our fight


I wish they wouldn't assume that. That's the first question most people will ask when they find out you're a crossdresser; "Are you gay?"

It's one of the things my wife asked me.

So what are you doing about it on a broader scale?


I admire your motives Julie and I wish success in this but the majority of CDers will stay ‘in the closet’ and I am one of them.
I know some here will judge me because of this but my skin is very thick as you know only too well Julie!:heehee:

Suzy. Thats fine. We all road the coattails of those that came before us. The transgender and gay of men and women of today are ridding the coattails of those that came before them. Myself included. I hid in the closet for years. I hid until I couldn't take it any more. I owed it to me and I owed it to those that came out before. Those that we beaten and robbed. Took there own life after being rejected. We all did it and continue to do. When the time is right for you to come out of the shadows you will. I just hope that you and the rest that are hiding recognize when the time is for themselves to come out of the shadows.

[Dianne S]

I think there are many reasons why TGs (especially crossdressers rather than TS's) are less activist than gays and lesbians:

Crossdressing is not seen to be quite as "sinful" by most religions as homosexuality.
The targets of discriminatory laws and actions have traditionally been gays and lesbians, not cross-dressers.
A cross-dresser is much more likely to be able to thrive in a conventional heterosexual relationship and not reveal his cross-dressing than a gay person could pretend to be straight.
There are many more anti-gay hate crimes than anti-crossdresser hate crimes.
The gay community has been far more affected by HIV/AIDS than the cross-dressing community.


Bottom line: As a community, I don't think we're as targeted or as oppressed as gays and lesbians are. We're much more likely to be laughed at than hated.

[Julie Gaum]

Thank you all that responded pro and con. Also interesting that Canada has progressed so far since I worked in Montreal in the 1950s.
For those who see no hope I ask that you step back a bit and reflect on the history of the LGBT movement. I dare say that barely fifty years ago gay persons in our country were either hiding their identity, forced by parents to be "cured" by unspeakable means, killed themselves, gathered in small groups with common interests, thrown out of their home to try to survive in any way possible and on and on. There were not at first, to my knowledge, any organized groups or positive publicity. You have to admit that they have made tremendous progress as a senator, mayors, in the court house, in many state legislations and in the work place. And yet to this very day the hate towards gays goes on unabated by law-makers in most states and in many churches. Organizations in groups such as "Focus on the Family" and "American Family Association" number 5 1/2 million members and that's not counting many times that number that voice their distaste. Are most gays and lesbians still "in hiding" especially in the mid-west and south? You bet there is! Is that much different than where the CD community is today? Sure, most are still in hiding, many out to family and friends, and we do have regular meetings and conventions in city and state from coast to coast. I guess it comes down to, as Kate wrote "just do good towards your neighbors" or Dawn's comments that why get into a long fight as we're "not as oppressed" OR our community strives to become pro-active as Natasha suggests (true in a very accepting city), using similar tools that gained some success by the LGBT community. Tomorrow's leaders in this emerging struggle have probably already been born! Sadly, I won't be alive to see it though I hope my memoirs (legacy) contributes, but I do foresee that eventually----.
Julie

[Dianne S]

Organizations in groups such as "Focus on the Family" and "American Family Association" number 5 1/2 million members and that's not counting many times that number that voice their distaste.

What do those organizations have in common?

They are religiously inspired.

If you want to do gays, lesbians, crossdressers and many others a favor, then speak out against religion. It's the single biggest factor that legitimizes anti-gay and anti-CDer bigotry, not to mention misogyny. I think one of the reasons Canada is relatively tolerant compared to the USA is that Canada is relatively irreligious compared to the USA.


Dawn's comments that why get into a long fight as we're "not as oppressed"

Oh! I didn't mean we shouldn't be activist. I was just listing reasons why (I think) we are not currently as activist as the gay community.

[Lorileah]

*warning!* do not let this degrade into a religious discussion.

Julie, there were organized gay groups in the 50's The most famous was the Mattachine society. But they did not nor could not be very vociferous. Since there were so many places with sodomy laws they would have been basically a criminal society.

Dawn, I may have to disagree about the AIDs and the TG community. It is just as unlikely (and maybe more so even now) for a TG to seek help or even check status because of being closeted. The "down low" members of the TG community can be infected and spread to their wives without knowing it. What I think you are seeing is that in general number the TG community is smaller than the gay community and thus not as many reports. But it doesn't take much searching even on this site to see that a significant number of TGs are looking for interludes and I doubt as many are being safe as the gay community because they are sneaking around.

So to compare hate crime numbers (gay vs TG) is not a good comparison. To compare any number with the gay community is statistically incorrect. You have to compare percentage of population. This will be impossible (again just look at this site) because so many stay sequestered in the closet. As Julie pointed out, the TG community is where the gay community was 50 plus years ago but with a significant difference. Most TGs are satisfied to remain hidden. Your life does not depend of having to be out in the community. We can "disappear" easily. And because of that there are far fewer TGs who are willing to work for change. It is far easier to sit back and complain about how badly their friends and family treat them or won't understand over educating and trying to make things better.

[Dianne S]

Dawn, I may have to disagree about the AIDs and the TG community.

Hmm, OK. The thing is, the act of cross-dressing doesn't put you at risk of getting AIDS. If you do other things like have unprotected sex with multiple partners or inject drugs with dirty needles, then you're in a high-risk group that has nothing to do with your TG status.


*warning!* do not let this degrade into a religious discussion.

I don't want to have a religious discussion, but at the same time we can't ignore the elephant in the room.


We can "disappear" easily. And because of that there are far fewer TGs who are willing to work for change.

Yeah, that's more or less what I said in my third bullet point.

[Lorileah]

Hmm, OK. The thing is, the act of cross-dressing doesn't put you at risk of getting AIDS. If you do other things like have unprotected sex with multiple partners or inject drugs with dirty needles, then you're in a high-risk group that has nothing to do with your TG status. You really want to go there? Being gay does not put you at risk for AIDs either, it is the ACT of having unprotected sex...not a good argument at all...you know how many straight people get AIDs every year? You know how many "down low" men get AIDs every year?....Really, welcome to the 21st century. Just because the epidemic effected more gay men (and that was because of promiscuity, not being gay) you associate it with risk? Trust me, I know the TG community and I know that there are many TGs who are out there having unprotected sex with men they meet in a bar. You original argument is still statistically invalid




I don't want to have a religious discussion, but at the same time we can't ignore the elephant in the room. but that elephant is barred in this section of the forum.

[Kate Simmons]

One thing we do in a positive vein Julie is come here and discuss things. You know there is some dissension with different subjects and if there is dissension here among us, you can imagine trying to "sell" some of these concepts to the general public, especially to folks who are wary of anything other than the "norm". I do think the things we discuss bear sometimes mixed but mostly positive fruit in the long run, especially if we are sincere in our convictions.

The bottom line is we really don't have to prove anything to anyone only prove who we are as people. I, personally, have the mindset of thinking of everyone as a person, not as a this, that or the other thing. Always have felt that way, that's why I feel that putting labels on someone or pigeonholing are kind of useless when the person is being considered.

One of the best things we can do is take ownership of ourselves and our feelings and responsibility for our own actions and that speaks volumes about a person other than just saying they are this or that, which really doesn't mean much. Positive action gets attention and positive deeds are the things they will remember. I remember hearing about a TG group who when 9/11 happened helped other people to get aid and recover in NYC. People are talking about that to this day. Then there was the CD who outed himself by jumping on a would be robber of a convenience store some years back who could just as easily have knuckled under out of fear. All of the other customers in that incident praise him to this day, otherwise they may have died. Never forget who we are and what we do is what is will be remembered and appreciated and that goes a long way.

That having been said, I would be all for a positive advocacy group and would help with it as I, myself, really have nothing to lose and there is not much more they can do to me at this stage. This is one reason I stay on the Forum. If just one thing I say helps someone in a positive way, I will have accomplished my goal.:)

[Dianne S]

Trust me, I know the TG community and I know that there are many TGs who are out there having unprotected sex with men they meet in a bar.

OK. I didn't know that. Nevertheless, I still think the average crossdresser is probably in a lower risk group for HIV than the average gay man.


but that elephant is barred in this section of the forum.

That's unfortunate, but I will respect the rules. Is there another forum on this site where the topic is not barred? Because I think it's an important topic that we ignore at our peril.

[2B Natasha]

Yes Dawn There is a section just for those discussions.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?33-General-Health-and-Wellness-and-Religious-Discussion-(Invitation-Only)

[linda allen]

.................... How can you sit on your sofa and watch the news about trans folks all under the umbrella and do NOTHING? .................... .

I watch the news just about every day and I never see anything about "trans folks".

But what would you have me do? Send a donation somewhere?

[arbon]

@linda allen - Oh there is lots in the news about trans people - the 6 year old girl who just won the right to use the girls room at school in CO, the navy seal that recently announced she is really a woman and is transitioning, Chaz Bono, the pregnant man and his never ending divorce battle, Fallon Fox the fighter - as some recent examples.

But their all transsexuals.

Anything about crossdressers, dual gender or others in between - nope, very rare to hear anything about them, especially anything positive.
There is the mayor of the one town in oregon that had a positive impact and the british comedian. but really not very many out crossdressers in the public eye.

How do crossdressers benefit from the efforts of LGBT advocacy?

[Lorileah]

How do crossdressers benefit from the efforts of LGBT advocacy?

Lets see...it is now not illegal to dress as the opposite gender in almost any jurisdiction in the US. In many places the right to use public facilities is allowed. You are covered under hate crimes. Those just off the top of my head. The T community tends to not want rights but the L&G community keeps dragging us along when they gain them. It is hard for someone who is part of the privileged world (straight, closeted crossdressers) to care about those who are not in their circle. But think this way, the right to dress in your home and not worry about the government coming in and arresting you for a crime is part of the "rights" you have gained by the LGBT movement. It wasn't long ago you were a "sexual deviant" in many places.

[Ineke Vashon]

At several Barnes & Noble as well as Hastings book stores I've asked for any new publications on crossdressing specifically, not about transgender issues. If they have any CD literature I am invariably directed to the gay and lesbian section. After reading the previous posts I am considering asking these book stores: "where would you put crossdressing literature if you wanted it separate from the gay and lesbian section?" At least to try to get a reaction or start a thought process. Perhaps to stand on our own two feet.

Ineke

[Dianne S]

How do crossdressers benefit from the efforts of LGBT advocacy?

Any time any oppressed group gains civil rights, it benefits all of humanity. And it opens people's minds. I doubt Ontario's human rights code would protect gender identity and expression had it not been for years of LGBT advocacy.

[Eryn]

Existing LGBT groups do include us and I see little advantage in creating our own "T-only" group. That would be dividing out efforts, making them less effective. Of course, the idea fostered by some of us is "We're not gay, why should we support a LGBT organization?" To that I would respond, "the enemy of our enemies is our friend." We have a common goal, to live our lives as we see fit, so we should also have a common voice.

[linda allen]

@linda allen - Oh there is lots in the news about trans people - the 6 year old girl who just won the right to use the girls room at school in CO, the navy seal that recently announced she is really a woman and is transitioning, Chaz Bono, the pregnant man and his never ending divorce battle, Fallon Fox the fighter - as some recent examples.

None of that has been in the news in my area. None of it. I've only heard about it on this forum.

edit:
Anything about crossdressers, dual gender or others in between - nope, very rare to hear anything about them, especially anything positive.

Do we really want to be "in the news"? Wouldn't it be much better if we could just live our lives without being newsworthy? These things should just happen without any media involvement.

[kimdl93]

I think we have seen some progress almost by default because of the LGBT community. Change comes gradually, but is helped along each time one of us is able to come out a bit farther.

[Eryn]

To put it a different way, gays and lesbians are groups that could be in diametric opposition to each other. There are considerable differences between the groups Gays have serious health concern that lesbians do not share. Lesbian couples have always had much more public acceptance than gay couples. One might expect that the lesbian community would have wanted to go it alone since they were so far ahead of the gay community. They don't do this because they could see that the overarching goal of acceptance for everyone is be beneficial to all groups.

We should have the same attitude. Why be a microscopic "trans" voice that is easily ignored when we can add our voices to the much larger LGB community who share our common goals?

[Alice Torn]

I just saw a British commercial, that featured James Bond, as Bond, then as an attractive woman. A positive commercial about preventing abuse of women. Things like that, will help the public accept it. I am 98% in the closet, and do not like any type of "group think." If the media would start portraying crossdressers in a positive way, it would help much. And Kate is right. One on one , or how we present ourselves in public, goes a long way. When out, open a door for another person, male or female, or TG. Be polite, helpful, and a nice person.

[Tracii G]

A very good friend of mine Alana Nicole Sholar wrote a book about her life in a small Ky town called "Hung In The Middle".
Its an amazing book about how she dealt with being TG and how she came out in a small rural town.
I have been to her book signings and its amazing how the public takes to her right off, she is open and honest about all aspects of her life.
Most people around here know her on sight and always say hey I read your book and loved it.
A few weeks back I went to a cook out at Alana and her wife's house and met her friends and neighbors and had a great time.
This to me is the way to do it get out there in the open and just be yourself.
To sit and complain isn't doing the TG community any good as far as acceptance.If you aren't seen you must not exist therefore no one knows anything about us as human beings.

Just to add a side note in the few years I have going out either 100% enfemme or 50/50 I get recognized by places I frequent.
I take the time to actually talk to people and have been able to gauge their responses to a degree.
Most females have no problem and seem genuinely curious about me.Men just respond with ok you are different I'll move along now.LOL
One thing I have noticed about men and their reaction to me is I'm just another guy basically but choose to dress differently.
Once in a blue moon a guy will get his panties in a wad and say something but his wife usually tells him to shut up don't be stupid.LOL

[DebbieL]

The first problem is FRAGMENTATION. Even though the term "Transgender" was intended to include as many as possible, we still see many different "camps" with many different agendas. Even on this site, we have Transsexuals and Cross-Dressers. Some of the cross-dressers have kept their secret from their most intimate partner for decades. On the other end of the scale, we have the transsexual who has known they wanted to be a girl since they realized that there was a difference. Many of us expressed this view before we could even talk, trying to make dresses or skirts out of towels, bags, or even pillow cases.

We even have drag queens who try to disassociate themselves with cross-dressers, transvestites, and transsexuals by claiming that they do NOT get pleasure from dressing up, they just do it as entertainers. Even on programs like Rue Paul's drag race, we see the queens as boys, often with shaved heads or buzz cuts, making jokes, and trying to act like gay men rather than women.

If you were to look carefully at a bunch of boys and girls in a kindergarten class, you would see that about 1/4 of the boys will want to play with the girls and as many as 1/3 of the girls will want to go play with the boys. What if it really was 1 in 4 boys that was transgendered when they were 5 years old? But by the time they are adults, the apparent count is 1 in hundreds.

The persecution of transgenders starts so much earlier. Alpha males with lots of testosterone become "Bullies", physically abusing "Sissies". The abuse gets progressively worse, starting as verbal taunts, verbal abuse, and rude remarks during class (making it appear that the teacher and class approves, especially if the class laughs). The persecution begins to escalate, slaps to the head, being tripped while walking, and even being attacked while going to the bathroom.

Quickly, more and more of the boys try to conform to the bully's expectations, joining in the persecution to avoid becoming targets themselves. The violence begins to escalate, with boys hitting the remaining sissies with their fists, tripping them and kicking them after they fall. In many cases, faculty and staff don't interfere, taking the position "boys will be boys". Eventually, there are only one or two sissies, and they get attacked even more violently. They go to play baseball and get hit by the pitcher when batting, and get beat with bats by their own team when they are finished. They are forced to play football, supposedly touch, and put on the front line, against the biggest and meanest bully, who gets praise from both teams as he hits the sissy with fists, feet, knees, and elbows. Often, the sissy returns from the period with bruises, but all where they can't be seen. Areas covered by their shirts, pants, and socks. Other times they come in with obvious signs that their nose has been bleeding, difficulty moving. They are seen in the classroom, crying quietly, which is followed by confrontations by a female teacher who seems to have no idea what is going on, or tell him "Boys don't cry".

Later, the sissies have to take gym class with the other boys. Their might be as many as 100 boys in the class, and only 2-3 sissies. The violence and abuse continues. And now there are the showers, where the sissies get beat up in the showers. Those living in stealth mode remain silent, hoping to avoid becoming targets themselves. After the showers, they go to their locker to get dressed, but as they reach for their locker, the sissies are whipped with rat-tail towels soaked in water. Each stroke leaves a large welt, and before long the welts left by 10-15 bullies looks more like one huge blister, with some of the welts bleeding. Often, the whipping is followed by "the locker drag" - the sissy is pushed up high on the lockers, then allowed to drop as the tabs in the lockers tear through the flesh on his back or stomach. The sissy can see that the teacher is watching, and he doesn't lift a finger. Going to authorities such as other teachers, or principals only makes the problem worse, since the principals are former coaches themselves.

For those who are transgendered who manage to survive to high school, there's an even weirder twist. Some of the bullies who were beating them up, want to force them to have sex with them. They orally or anally rape the "sissy" because he obviously must be gay if he wants to be a girl.

This is also the time when many of those who have gone into stealth mode are confronted with dating, and even intimate sexual contact with girls. If the sissy doesn't seem to respond to a girl (because he is not dressed), he must be gay. If he tells his girl-friend that loves her outfit and would love to wear it, the word spreads so quickly that it's as if it had been announced on the public address system. The violence gets worse, and the dating stops completely.

For some, the pain of the rejection, and the fear of the violence restarting is enough to send them into suicidal acts. They may try to overdose, poison, or other forms of suicide that are not terribly violent. Some will try to strangle themselves, hang themselves, or even cut themselves, but often, they will leave no notes, fearing that they might survive and be discovered.

Most people assume the Transgender is gay, and soon he's getting passes from boys who want to date him (but don't want him to dress up). For some, there is safety in the gay community, they quickly learn that many of the gay boys at the school are football linemen, some are the same bullies who used to beat him up, and now provide protection. Even though they don't actually date any of the boys, the TG boys realize that this is the only way they will be safe. Unfortunately it can be incredibly lonely because if they let their gay friends know that they are TG, they might be shunned as potential targets, especially if they admit that they are not gay. They can't get a date with a guy because the guy wants another guy, not a girl. They can't get a date with a girl because the girl wants a man, or just assumes he's femme, so he must be gay.

Many of those who DO come out quickly find themselves put out on the street. Fathers or step-fathers often kick them out of the house, especially if they are homophobic or religious fundamentalists. Often, they haven't even finished high school. Some haven't even STARTED high school. They are turned out to the street where they end up turning to prostitution and crime to survive. Pimps with TG "girls" understand the brutality they have been through, and use similar brutality or threat of such brutality to maintain control.

Those who have managed to survive and have managed to go into "Deep Stealth" become so good at "passing" as men, that they begin to start dating, and eventually meet a woman they love and want to marry. They are terrified that if they tell their girl-friend, before they are married, that she will spread the word and the "sh*tstorm" will start all over again. After all the effort to go into stealth, they maintain the illusion. Many hope that if they are getting sex from the marriage on a regular basis, that they will lose their desire to dress, to be feminine, to be a girl. Often, this works for a while, and they do the best they can to be satisfied with what is available. Because they are sensitive to the sensory experiences of dressing in women's clothing, they often bring that sensuality to their love making, taking more time in foreplay, often bringing his wife to multiple orgasms, even when he his having difficulty being aroused. His wife loves him and loves that he has become a good provider and has become stable. The illusion is complete.

THEN, after a few months, or a few years, they return to dressing, maintaining a secret stash, dressing in private, even taking positions involving travel, doing what they can to express their transgender nature secretly, in private, not telling a soul. The wife my even discover the secret stash, and may even suspect her husband of having an affair. She may suspect that he is transgender, but since she wants the stability and security of a man, she is terrified that he might screw up everything by being discovered. She might even "test" him, complaining about wearing a dress or hose, and seeing how he reacts. If he asks her to dress up for an event, she might even say "you like the dress, YOU wear it", to see how he reacts. She might even observe how much more amorous he is when she dresses up in stockings, heels, and the little black dress or a short skirt, and say "at least you don't want to wear my clothes" to see how he reacts.

Even once she suspects, she is terrified to confront him. She has no idea what it means that her husband wants to dress up. Is he gay? Does he have a mistress? Is he going to hookers? Does he want her to dominate him? Does he want to be a dominatrix? She fears what others would do if he were discovered by others. Would he lose his job? Would they get thrown out of church? Would he be disinherited? Would she be disinherited? Would there be crosses burning on the lawn?

Sometimes, if she DOES probe, trying to find out what's going on, he goes to ridiculous lengths to deny it. He might start dressing or acting overly "macho", start making sexist cracks, or develop a sudden NEW interest in sports, hunting, or fishing. Even if he hates it and he's terrible at it, he won't admit it because he wants to maintain the cover. Worse, he might start drinking lots of beer and eating chips, getting fat to look more masculine or less feminine.

Coworkers or managers may see cracks in the facade as well. They may say nothing directly, but they might start telling jokes about gays or drag queens, or talking about Rocky Horror. The TG may become so afraid of yet another round of persecution that he may shut down altogether, avoiding lunches with coworkers, dinners with co-workers, and company social events. Even at the company Christmas party, he will sit at a table with his wife, where they know nobody. He might even try to get his wife to dress more feminine.

And THEN they are confronted with someone who is out, maybe even in transition, who wants other transgender men to come out to show their support. These men living in stealth are terrified that this person coming out will blow their cover. They are secretly envious, would literally give their nuts to be like her, and live in dread that they will have to live the rest of their lives in secret. They are terrified that discussions will come up where they might be outed involuntarily. They dread the possibility that saying, or NOT saying something could alert others to the fact that he is transgendered as well.

The problem is that, if you go back to that original 1 in 5 little boys who would rather play with the girls, who wanted to be girls, you suddenly realize that there are all of those boys, now "grown up", trying desperately to be want they are not, and not be what they are. The loneliness can be horribly painful. They seem to be "going through the motions". There is no real joy. They can't let anybody into their world, even their wives, or children. Many will turn to booze, food, pornography, or any other escape - trying to live in a fantasy world because reality has become such a source of despair. They even reach the point where they don't dare to wonder what it would be like to be that beautiful woman in the lovely outfit, because the thought is immediately followed by such feelings of despair. In some cases, the depression gets so bad that they turn to drugs or prescription drugs. Often, they gain weight, eating, smoking, and other unhealthy habits, sleepless nights, working crazy hours, and driving themselves to an early grave.

For many, they are even aware that this is just another form of suicide, but on "the installment plan". They suffer heart attacks, strokes, and cancer, often far younger.

Another group, hopefully much smaller, becomes "religious fanatics", embracing materialistic and conservative values, political views, and religious views. They try to get God to remove their desire by becoming extremists. Some become completely sexually abstinent, others become joyless, forbidding cards, popular music, even television. They hand out tracts, they preach on downtown streets, the even put Bibles in hotels. They hope to be "Good enough" to find peace in "heaven" where they will finally be free of all of the desires of the flesh. And yes, they become the persecutors of those who are "different", those who are gay, lesbian, transsexual, or "otherwise perverted". They believe that because they have been able to deny themselves, that others should be pushed to make a similar choice. Have you ever noticed how many ministers and preachers are a bit effeminate?

Which brings us full circle. Ready for the next round of sissy boys about to enter first grade.

Until we address every stage of the cycle, it's unlikely that most transgenders will ever achieve anything like freedom or recognition.

[DianeDeBris]

"and the Religious Reich"

I absolutely LOVE it!!!
Hugs - Diane

[sherri]

I have a local friend who has spent years trying to raise TG awareness and help TGs find their way out of the closet here in a city of 300k + surrounding towns. Early on I assisted in small ways, publishing a web site, attending scheduled meetings (usually just the two of us), etc, but she has done all the heavy lifting -- including going full-time TS, serving on LGBT boards, even running for mayor! We tried everything we could think of with no money to work with (including promoting on this forum), and made it very easy and safe for gurls to take their first timid steps. The response has been relatively non-existent. Oh, she has mentored the lone acolyte here and there, but by and large you couldn't pry local CDers out of the closet with a gallon of baby oil and an 8-foot crowbar. And I have no idea what it would take, but I salute anyone who tries.