Time has come today to finally tell my family ,. how do i do it ? lol

[Courtney . J]

i honestly dont know where to start but ill start by saying that within the past months i have TRUELY come to the fact of WHO I AM . for the past few yrs i have always thought of this as a fetish as i would only enjoy these thing when i was intoxicated and drunk ,. but after a month of being clean and off everything ,. the feeling i have for being a female have only grown stronger , and it makes me more happy than anything else in the world right now to know that these feelings i have are true feelings and not just a blured reality that i thought i enjoyed because of the alcohol .


since this , the feelings i get when i have to hide my true self have become very depressing , almost to the point of feeling suicidal , and for my own health i can no longer live a lie to my family :sad:


my family has seen my female clothes and my painted toe nails , but there still has not been a face to face conversation of me telling them what this is all about ,. first person i want to tell is my mother because she is the closest to me and i feel would be the most understanding and helpful with it .. but the problem is everytime i am almost at the point of coming clean and telling her everything , we start to argue about something and i just get mad and say forget it , this has only led to me being more aggravated and closed off with the situation and feelings i have .

i have alot on my plate right now that does not even involve my transgendered issues , and me not telling anybody is just adding more and more stress to my life and i can no longer take it ,

so i am here today to ask for help on HOW do i tell my mother ? how do i bring it up ? how do i explain to her that this is not a fetish or a phase and that the person i was becoming when i didnt have a clear mind , was really my true self


how do i deal with it afterwards if she is not accepting of it ?

about a month ago i had some very big legal problems come up in my life that has just ruined everything it feels like ,. i was literally at the point then that i WAS slowely coming out , and then i get a plate full of BS thrown in my lap because of my own familys drama , its been making me want to tell them BUT at the same time its making me NOT want to tell them in the case that they wont accept it ,. i just cannot handle any more stress or being let down or hated for who i am




i am so lost right now and any type of answer would be helpful , i love life and look foward to the time when i can go out dressed in whatever i want or stay home in whatever i want , or be around my family dressed in whatever i want , and feel accepted and loved ,. i HAVE to tell them before i act on my suicidal thoughts and make things worse ,. i want nothing more right now than to just get my life back that way i can start a new chapter

can anybody please help me and tell me what i should do ? :sad:


CJ

[Joanne f]

Hello Courtney,J
the first thing you need to do is forget about anything to do with harming yourself that will achieve nothing and at 24yrs old although you do not feel like it but you have a long time to be able to sort this out (and you will) , I think you are right in saying that it would be best to talk with your mother first and get her advise on the rest of the family as although this feeling has a very big pull on you and you know what will sort it out, at your age it would also be very hard on you to loose your family , give them chance first to understand your feelings don't just try to shock them into it .

[Sister Rachel]

"Where angels fear to tread, fools rush in"

.. but here's my take on it, for what it's worth.

You say that when you are reaching the point of telling your mother, arguments break out. Are these arguments started by your mum, or by you?
You say that your family has seen your femme clothes and painted toenails ... surely, then, they must have a pretty good idea that you are a crossdresser? But then I don't know who your family are .. are we talking sisters, brothers .. is it your dad that you fear the most negative reaction from?
I think we need more detail on your actual circumstances before making any concrete suggestions .. I am lucky enough to live in the liberal-minded culture of Britain, so if you are in "Bible Belt" USA, anything I could say might not be relevant or helpful. Wish you well for now, and KEEP TALKING :)

Joanne's right, of course .. to quote Etta James "Tell Momma" :) x

[kimdl93]

Get your life and legal issues settled. When things are calmed down, then start a conversation with your mother. There is no urgency beyond what you assign this. Take your time and get your life together.

[Courtney . J]

Hello Courtney,J
the first thing you need to do is forget about anything to do with harming yourself that will achieve nothing and at 24yrs old although you do not feel like it but you have a long time to be able to sort this out (and you will) , I think you are right in saying that it would be best to talk with your mother first and get her advise on the rest of the family as although this feeling has a very big pull on you and you know what will sort it out, at your age it would also be very hard on you to loose your family , give them chance first to understand your feelings don't just try to shock them into it .
Thank you

"Where angels fear to tread, fools rush in"

.. but here's my take on it, for what it's worth.

You say that when you are reaching the point of telling your mother, arguments break out. Are these arguments started by your mum, or by you?
You say that your family has seen your femme clothes and painted toenails ... surely, then, they must have a pretty good idea that you are a crossdresser? But then I don't know who your family are .. are we talking sisters, brothers .. is it your dad that you fear the most negative reaction from?
I think we need more detail on your actual circumstances before making any concrete suggestions .. I am lucky enough to live in the liberal-minded culture of Britain, so if you are in "Bible Belt" USA, anything I could say might not be relevant or helpful. Wish you well for now, and KEEP TALKING :)

it really just depends , sometimes i start the argument and sometimes she does ,. my family consist of just 3 brothers and my mother , i am the youngest and still live at home with my mom , been trying to get on my own feet for a few yrs now but something always knocks me 2 steps back , my father died last year from cancer and it breaks my heart i will never get the chance to show him the real me or why i was always so "uptight" and not very emotionally outspoken at the time,. i live in Austin TX and its a very friendly LGBT place to live .. moved here back in 2007 and i will probably die in this city i love it so much here .. i just wish i was more confident and would go out and enjoy all the things it has to offer .. maybe someday soon ...:o


Joanne's right, of course .. to quote Etta James "Tell Momma" :) x
:daydreaming:



Get your life and legal issues settled. When things are calmed down, then start a conversation with your mother. There is no urgency beyond what you assign this. Take your time and get your life together.

but there is urgency ,. my own mental/physical health is declining because of all the stress, and having to hide this part of myself is only adding to it ... i was wanting to wait untill things settled but i cant ,. having one person in my life know and understand who i am and love me for it would give me so much relief and relaxation

[giuseppina]

Hello Courtney

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but it's more than a bit alarming when someone talks of harming themselves. This usually indicates a mood disorder of some kind. Mine is PTSD.

There is help available. Your family doctor is an excellent starting point. S/he may start you on a course of antidepressants or other suitable medication as s/he sees fit. Antidepressants take two or three months to determine if they effective with acceptable side effects at the required dosage. There is no way to make this determination in advance; it is a trial and error process.

Your family doctor may refer you to a counsellor or psychiatrist or both. Drug therapy and talk therapy in combination has proven to be the most effective treatment for depression and anxiety disorders. The drugs elevate your mood but do nothing for the negative thought processes; the talk therapy works on the negative thought processes. That being said, you have to do the work on turning around your depression. It's not easy, rapid, or without possibly significant setbacks, but it is worthwhile. The key is to set realistic goals.

While they are not a panacea (they don't exist), antidepressants are easier on your body than alcohol and elevate your mood rather than depressing it as the alcohol does.

It's probably not a good idea to disclose to your family about the crossdressing and gender issues at this time, but your counsellor should know about it. A competent counsellor will not try to judge you. If your counsellor tries to judge you, it's time to find another one.

[Beverley Sims]

Courtney,
You have probably guessed the answer, I would seek some guidance from a specialist in depression and maybe a gender therapist also.
You need someone understanding to talk to.
This is outside of the forum or it's members who can only advise you generally.

[Tracii G]

Please you are still on the young side and have so much of your life ahead of you to even think about harming yourself.
If you sit and think about it you are harming your Mom and your brothers by being so selfish.Hurting yourself solves nothing and makes others think your mental stability is is in doubt.
Where does that leave you? In Jail or an institution and thats not where you want to be trust me.
I totally understand life is hard and the old one step forward and 2 steps back but please understand we have all gone thru that so welcome to the club its called life.
Getting a grip on how to handle it is key here and yes seeking advice from your Dr is a good avenue to take and maybe they can steer you to a qualified therapist.
Seeing a therapist does not mean you are crazy but means you want to find out what your issues are and how they affect your well being.
Being argumentative with your Mom because you may not like what she has to say is selfish too so my advice is listen.You may not agree with her but let her say what she has to say then maybe she will be more open to you when she hears your story.
Moms are pretty wise and understanding so you may be surprised how she reacts.
You are living at home so you have to bite the bullet and conform in a sense to keep the peace but you can still be yourself and make the situation work in your favor.
Be wise look at the big picture before you react.
I was a really touchy kid growing up and had a huge attitude and refused to conform to my parents and made life way harder on myself.Ruined my relationship with my parents to the point I got thrown in jail for something stupid,called my parents and they said you got yourself in there get your self out.Best bit of tough love I ever got.

[Jorja]

Hello Courtney,
As mentioned already, harming yourself will not do anything to solve your problems and only create problems for those left behind. Your family has known for sometime that something is up with you. I personally know very few men that paint their toenails or wear female clothing around if there is not something really bothering them. So by all means tell MOM. You do not need to go into deep detail at this first announcement but be prepared to answer her questions with proper answers. One would hope there would be a good reaction or at least a sympathetic one. If there is a strong negative reaction, well at least you told her of your plans. The same goes for the rest of the family. Tell them, answer their questions with good sound answers and make a time to talk individually if they want. Otherwise, stand up on your own two feet, be brave, take responsibility for yourself and move on with your life as you see fit.

[MysticLady]

about a month ago i had some very big legal problems come up in my life that has just ruined everything it feels like ,. i was literally at the point then that i WAS slowely coming out , and then i get a plate full of BS thrown in my lap because of my own familys drama , its been making me want to tell them BUT at the same time its making me NOT want to tell them in the case that they wont accept it ,. i just cannot handle any more stress or being let down or hated for who i am

can anybody please help me and tell me what i should do ? :sad:


CJ

Hi Courtney , PM me anytime. I would like a more in depth feeling of you situation so that I may see if I've experienced anything that may help you.

[Courtney . J]

thanks for the advice girls , i wish i would have explained things a little better and saved myself some of the beating but hey , thanks for the tough love ;-)


first off i will say that the relationship between me and my mother has always been good except for me always being so closed off with my feelings in the past , other than that the reason we have been arguing is over the situation im in now and the dead end road i was living , i agree its a thing called life and i got myself into it , the only times i have thought of hurting myself is when ive looked ahead and seen nothing better in life ,. then about a month ago i have started a clean life and have truely seen who i am and who i REALLY want to be , this is not something wrong in my head that i need to see a doctor about i have always felt this way , as far back as i remember when i was a young kid i would see beautiful women dressed up with gorgeous make up on and i would think to myself , why the hell cant i be like that ?

i have always felt i was born in the wrong body and ive had 24yrs to think about it ,.the past few yrs ive been drinking alot and the feelings to become a woman have grown much stronger , like i said i thought it was just from being intoxicated but after being clean i see that this is my true self ,.and i love knowing that i dont enjoy it because of the mood i was in ,but i enjoy wanting to dress and feel as a woman because of the mood it puts me in



i agree that the life i was living is not the way to live my life and its already got me in a huge pile of sh*t recently, living life in the fast lane running 150mph in my head it was impossible to see the brick wall at the end of the track untill it was too late .

Thats why i came here , looking for advice on how to come out and tell the people that are closest to me , to help return some peace of mind and hopefully start a new life for myself , i have had plenty of time to figure things out in my head and i am ready for whatever comes my way , i was just looking for some confidence boosters and advice from the girls here to help me :hugs:



CJ-:sad:

[MysticLady]

Thats why i came here , looking for advice on how to come out and tell the people that are closest to me , to help return some peace of mind and hopefully start a new life for myself , i have had plenty of time to figure things out in my head and i am ready for whatever comes my way , i was just looking for some confidence boosters and advice from the girls here to help me :hugs:

That's why we're Sister. Been down the path and still following it. I'm very happy that you're feeling better about yourself.:hugs:

[Tracii G]

Looks like you have a pretty good handle on things and are wise enough to see the pit falls of your prior actions. Good for you.
The problems with males in you age range is the fear of having their pride hurt and being stubborn to a fault.
You just need to get your Mom alone and tell her how much you love and appreciate her for all she has done in your life.Take her to lunch somewhere and reveal your secret.
Being out in public she can't start screaming LOL.J/K on the screaming thing but a one on one adult conversation.

You made a very smart choice by seeking help on this site there are some very wise ladies here.We are all still learning everyday but we have been where you are at one point or another.
We are always glad to help if we can.

[Barbara Ella]

Courtney you are getting a lot of good advice here, and it looks like you are reading and absorbing and that is good. Only you can know when the time is right to tell mom. If you feel it in your heart, you go for it. i would begin to address the need for a counselor even before, or at the same time you talk to mom.

Just let her know how much you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you to get you where you are today. Sounds like you need to straighten some things out in your life, and this might be the key idea to use to open up. You realize you are having trouble, and you feel a lot of it stems from keeping secrets and quilt all wrapped up inside, and to start changing, you want your closest person to know what you are about.

Just be honest, and try try try to be non reactive to things that are said that might not be quite what you hope to hear. This is so important right now. Don't do any trying to convince her of anything if she is not totally with you. Accept that and take it as a starting point. You just want her to know who you are.

Keep it simple and straightforward.

Best of luck to you.

Barbara