Why do men cross-dress

[Lucy_Bella]

I was reading this article that asked this very question and the best answer was this one below.. What I found interesting was this article was open for people to reply on their thoughts about the subject. Reading the replies a GG named "Kay" explained she was married to a cross-dresser but didn't find out until 25 years later.

.
"One argument is that transvestism of cross-dressing is a way of offering a challenge to society’s preconceptions about gender. Some men cross-dress because they are unhappy at being men. Others didn’t mind the male state, but also like to put on women’s clothes occasionally. Some men cross-dress simply to make a passing social or fashion statement, and some because they have emotional needs that can only be met by the comfort that wearing women’s clothes gives them."


She ( Kay ) was so upset that he r husband hid the dressing from her yet stuck around another five years more before ending the marriage.. Below is a response to another ( Cder ) who felt "Kay" was wrong for what she did..


" Alan,
In response to Kay’s situation… How about this, If HE actually LOVED her(love is NOT unhealthy and deceiptful co dependence!), he would not have LIED to her for 25 years! Seriously. He manipulated her, hid who he was and what was important to him in order to keep her around for whatever reason, and then he springs this on her after 25 years! Really now? He robbed her of her entire adult LIFETIME with his deceptions. That is just cowardly, rude and selfish. If you read her messsage again, she STAYED WITH HIM for 5 years after he told her. Trust is not a priveledge, it is earned. It was the systematic 25 years of dishonesty that killed the relationship not his crossdressing per se. All of you secret crossdressers hiding the truth from your partners, Please take a lesson on ethics and integrity and courage. Your fear is your problem, your lying is your problem and then you victimize your unwitting partner for your own selfish needs. UGH!! My crossdressing partner when we first dated did not tell me. He chose to end our relationship after a very short time of dating because he did not want to lie to me, like he had to other women in the past. He did not know how to tell me the truth.(We are both mature adults in our 40′s) We remained friends, then out of the blue less than a year after we stopped dating, he told me the truth about his love of crossdressing. We became closer friends, and then began to date eachother again, with all of the cards on the table. I love my crossdresser and he loved me enough to give me the truth about his fears and his reasons for crossdressing to the best of his own ability to understand. As many of you know, you might not have all of the answers as to why you like to crossdress. I also love it that my partner shares with me his confusion and shows me all of the true aspects of who he is and what is important to him. Lying to and keeping secrets from your parter is simply WRONG.There is no acceptable excuse for it. Particularly something as important as this. Sounds to me like Kay has moved on, but has given the crossdressing community some sound and valid advice to be honest from the beginning. I don’t know what it is like to be lied to by a partner for 25 years, but I would think it would NOT be easy to come to terms with and just flipantly “move on” without some time for healing etc. Good for you Kay, you have set healthly boundaries!"

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hi Lucy;

Can you post the link to the article ? or the name of the article, it sounds interesting.

Thanks

[Lucy_Bella]

Hi Lucy;

Can you post the link to the article ? or the name of the article, it sounds interesting.

Thanks

Hi Kelly,

I'm not sure Forum rules will allow me to post this link ...I will post this as a P.M. for you tho ..Okay?

[Wildaboutheels]

SOME people NEED to tell. Others, SHOULD tell. Many have reported here, [and there can't be THAT many liars] that they DID tell and the Relationship [possibly a perfectly good one] ended simply from the disclosure. GGs don't have to accept. Another useless "damaging" Forum Myth. Love does NOT conquer all and going slow and hanging in there is not going to cure EVERY GG of her distaste for it. GGs have every right to any dealbreakers, the same way that men do.

Others "survive"/get by with DADT despite all the endless Forum proclamations that DADT is wrong and/or will/can never work. In other words, they are calling all the DADT CDers liars. The epitome of being both narrow AND closed minded.

[Lucy_Bella]

Great point Wild..

You can "google" the title of this thread and find the site I was at..It has a large amount of GG'S openly talking about their men who cd ..It's like an open forum of this sites GG's only section..Many great stories from what I have read..

[Kelly DeWinter]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/why-do-men-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

[Leona]

Indeed, I'd be willing to suggest that anybody over the age of 30 who keeps their CD nature a secret from their spouse gets a free pass.

I think anybody younger than that is growing up in a world they need to take responsibility for at some point, and they need to be responsible for who they are. It's a different world than the 30+ age group grew up in. So for them, just like you need to speak up if you're in to BDSM, or if you have a really expensive race car habit, or whatever, you need to speak up at some point about being a crossdresser. GGs under 30 are also more accepting, I think. I could be wrong about that.

But it doesn't matter. The under 30 age group has spoken these past two elections, and LGBT are PEOPLE. So they need to step up and claim their rights as such. In the future, crossdressing shouldn't be considered an acceptable relationship secret because times HAVE changed.

However, I will still never equate crossdressing or any part of being transgender as lying. The fact is, you're being very honest when you express it, even in private. I don't understand how that can be called lying. Never understood it, never will. And keeping it private also isn't lying. So don't buy into that False Dilemma when it gets tossed at you. Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

[Dianne S]

Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

Hmm, that's a tough one. For me (and I suspect for many other crossdressers) cross-dressing is a very important activity that consumes a fair bit of time, money and energy. It's a pretty big thing to hide from your spouse.

I would say it's better to come clean before you're married. Otherwise, when you are found out, there will be huge feelings of betrayal.

When I told my wife (before we were married) I was incredibly nervous... pale and shaking. But I'm so glad she knew before we were married; it was a huge weight off me.

[Tara D. Rose]

Not touching this one. We lose.

[Heather Daniels]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/why-do-men-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

I know I have said this before but, we really need a " like " button here.

[FoxxxyBri]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/why-do-men-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

Understanding WHY people lie and condoing the lie are two different things.

At the end of the day, a lie is WRONG. Deceit is WRONG. Withholding the truth from someone you claim to love is cowardly and WRONG. Not telling everyone you know is understandable. But being cowardly about it to someone you are about to get serious with is inexcusable. Internet, new age culture or whatever else.

You'd get upset at any other instance of a partner withholding a major part of their self so why not this one? Blaming age is sort of an implication that older people dont have morals. The subject doesnt excuse the core point. That there is a lie being told to an intimate partner. I dont care if it's 1897. It's WRONG. And yes someone will say its easier said than done. But the truth has rarely been easy to begin with.

If you cant handle it then let the person go and keep the secret. I'd be highly pissed off if I were a woman and years later I find out my husband was a crossdresser. I'd dump his ass regardless. Not for the crossdressing but for lying to me. Because from what I've heard & seen. THe secret ALWAYS comes out. It would behoove you to be the one that tells it. Because having her find out from someone else will just make it worse.

[Badtranny]

Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

This is a brilliant distillation, but there are a couple of things that need to be considered.

I agree that an occasional or fetish CD does not need to come out. There is nothing wrong or unusual about having private time. The problem I have with closet cases is the cowardice most of them show about accepting OTHER people's lifestyles or kinks when in the company of their friends. If every closeted part-timer were to stand up for the rights of others then we would end the bullying and marginalization of LGBT people practically overnight!

The argument is always, "I don't want to be outed", but since when is defending someone's right to coexist the same as being? If you fought for integration back in the day did people think you were black? The fact is that many if not most of the closeted CD's are not publicly tolerant of alternative lifestyles such as their own.

It's fine to have a private life, but it's not okay to have a secret life while opposing other's right to NOT be secret.

[Rogina B]

Very well put,Melissa!

[Lucy_Bella]

Understanding WHY people lie and condoing the lie are two different things.

At the end of the day, a lie is WRONG. Deceit is WRONG. Withholding the truth from someone you claim to love is cowardly and WRONG. Not telling everyone you know is understandable.

Foxxxy,


Wow! The true meaning of a mutual relationship, someone got it!!Kudos to you and that's not a sarcastic remark..Very well put !!

This is not putting down every remark before this one you can feel like a victim as Kelly suggested ..But ask yourself ...How is that a GG's problem? . ..... Do we involve others ? Is this "our" issue and is it fair to them to accept us unknowingly?

No it's not at all and it doesn't matter what state of mind you are in or "spectrum" you are at!... No not acceptable...Not at all ,you can say we can't help it we are being our selves ..Right? But we didn't bring this to the table from the start and during the whole 25 years.. So then all the sudden things have to change when we hit our 40's? Like our wives are suppose to know this?

This is so true and for those who are not serious very easy to spot..
This is a brilliant distillation, but there are a couple of things that need to be considered.

I agree that an occasional or fetish CD does not need to come out. There is nothing wrong or unusual about having private time. The problem I have with closet cases is the cowardice most of them show about accepting OTHER people's lifestyles or kinks when in the company of their friends. If every closeted part-timer were to stand up for the rights of others then we would end the bullying and marginalization of LGBT people practically overnight!

The argument is always, "I don't want to be outed", but since when is defending someone's right to coexist the same as being?.

A very good point..Soon the fantasies wear thin.. The question comes down to this..."Are you serious or not"?..Why waste my time ?

[noeleena]

Hi,

Because im not a male ill see this a bit differently,

I can honistly say i dont understand why men wont or need to & as iv said if it were only clothes id understand , the detail is its not just the clothes its more its about being like looking like & acting like & to be seen like a woman. this is the crux of the dressing its trying to pass as a woman.

Because theres a mighty big difference between this & dressing in dress's or skirts as you know ill bring up our Renaissance men wear dress's & skirts, put them on our women or myself they still look nice & no one would know the difference, the dress of those days was pretty much for all intent & purpous the same.

Its to do with western thought over the last few years. maybe 100 or so you know what im getting at.

For my self its not the clothes it goes far beyound that.

So lets look at the person its about selfworth confidence & acceptance in them selfs & knowing who they are as a person. you take those issues by them selfs out of the person you have someone who retreats into a shell shuts down so maybe dressing is a prop & helps the person to have a life of sorts yet keeping a part hidden so is that the lie,

Theres another side as well abuse both phys & mental try liveing with that & then see what that does or being in a nuthouse meds elcshock treatment yea right.

first look at the person concerned then judge that person on what grounds according to who. what another thinks because thier life is oh so good you know above perfect.

Try throwing a few stones at myself & see the glasshouse fall i know what its like iv been there lived the bloody hell of it i know , Judge me im a failer, its a hell you dont wont to damm well know about, & im only a dammed intersexed person. yes a female gone wrong still a woman. easy to point out our faults easy to say you lied easy to put another down ........ Till youv been there & lived it , you dont know nothing , kick me while im down iv been fighting for 55 years to get were i am now, think about that, do you know what its like to be born wrong try crying out to be who you think you should be, you cant change that,
this is a bit about being different. dont judge the book till youv read it,

...noeleena

[Debs]

I read somewhere in the past we have an extra "Y" cromosome jean in our DNA

[noeleena]

Hi,

Debs, yes & a lot more beside's, a real mix. still thats part of why we are the way we are.

& thanks,

...noeleena...

[Mollyanne]

I read somewhere in the past we have an extra "Y" cromosome jean in our DNA

I gotta remember this (extra Y Chromosome) !!!!!! If this is true then I know why I x-dress.

Molly

[MisterEgurl]

The one thing I've taken away from discussions like this and the happiness and heartache of CD's who've kept the secret from those they love is that when I finally find myself in a position to be in a committed romantic relationship, I will enter with full disclosure, since, obviously, a relationship predicated on closed communication is doomed. I am thankful to everyone who has shared their positive and negative experiences with disclosure to SO's for their contributions. There is much to be learned from experiences of others.

I'm straddling that line between "old school thinking" and "new school thinking"; that is to say, I can see a large number of younger people in my life who would embrace this revelation about me and an equally large number of older ones who would probably distance themselves, walk away, or start praying for me LOL. Sure, there will be those who will surprise me and those who I could afford to extricate from my life (and probably should, since they would be immediately outed for being intolerant, inflexibly minded), but I feel that I'm at a good place with all of these people in the present "Don't Ask Don't Tell" environment I presently operate within and this DADT situation works for me at my present level of crossdressing. I'm comfortable keeping it at home alone. Sharing the fact that I crossdress is something that I feel only has relevance, on an interpersonal level, in my life, at a very defined level of emotional intimacy and I'm not at that level with anyone. I don't feel that crossdressing is so much a matter of my identity but a matter of my activity and just one expression of the foundation of who I am. I can and do express it in other ways that don't grate against the norms so much and it is satisfying. Will that remain constant? Probably not, but when the time comes, I'll just change tactics and disclose. But for now, I don't have anyone in my life I'd need to disclose this to. However I know I will need to when the time comes... if it comes... ever.

[TxKimberly]

I was one of those "cowards" at first. When my wife and I got married back in 1987, I hadn't told her. I lasted only a few weeks before the guilt just ate me alive and I told her all about it. That was 26 years ago and she is still here, so clearly things went reasonably well.

Here's the thing though. I used to sit here reading these posts and smugly think to myself "That's what you get for not being honest and up front with your wife. Anyone who doesn't tell their wife is wrong!". Yeah, well since then I've seen a good dozen marriages crash because of it. Even worse maybe, several of them still stay together because it is too much trouble to separate, but they more or less hate each other.
I no longer just glibly hand out the advice "Tell your wife and make it right." This is a highly personal and unique thing for every single couple out there. You know your wife and you know your marriage far better than anyone else does. Don't let others ram rod you or push you into doing something that your gut tells you not to.
Oh, and for all of you that are contemplating marriage - do the right thing and tell her FIRST. Don't wait until you have years invested in each other and you feel trapped where you are terrified to tell her. If you really do love her, you need to give her the chance to make an informed decision about the rest of her life. Yeah, I told my wife early on, but I've still had more than a quarter of a century of guilt for not telling her FIRST and giving her the chance to run . . .

[Jenniferathome]

The net is rife with "answers" on any subject. These are just individual perceptions offered by people who think it must be "x" or "y". You can easily imagine that someone who knows nothing about cross dressing can easily assume that one cross dresses because they are unhappy being a man. Lack of knowledge also explains why the average person thinks we must be gay. All the average person has as a frame of reference is drag. Rue Paul does not represent me.

I want to add that cross dressing is never the cause of divorce. The paragraph provided shows that. Women don't have to like it, but they can handle it. Lying, they can't handle. I think where cross dressing and divorce meet is when the relationship is in real trouble, a wife/SO can throw in the towel when cross dressing is added in. And not because of the act, but because it was one more deceit that breaks the proverbial camel's back.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Love is a losing game, love can be insane. I know, I'm a fool you see - oh, that fool is me!

Deedee

[DanielleLee]

Again... we're starting to see some of the deception / lying by omission debate. I agree... what's wrong is wrong. Not having told your spouse years ago or not telling a perspective spouse in this day and age is wrong. However it is understandable and more importantly forgivable. The whole attitude we as CDers face that we lied and because of it... we deserve whatever our spouses give us in return as a result of the omission when our spouses find out... I call BS on that.

If a divorce ultimately happens, then I do not believe and I agree with others above that that the CDing was not/ is not the sole cause. Especially for those of who grow up in a time before the internet and did not suspect or know that we really weren't that different or not the only ones. Knowledge is everything. Most all of us armed with the knowledge and support we have today in 2013 would have done things differently 15, 20 or 30+ years ago.

I apologize in advance to the OP and the moderators for getting off topic.

DL

[suchacutie]

The added complexity for those born well before the common internet is the lack of understanding that being transgendered is not temporary. Many thought it was an issue that would disappear after marriage. When it didn't the desire/need generated confusion, guilt, and fear. There was no sure path at that point. It was not an intensional lie, but suddenly it sure looked like one. How do you tell a spouse of many years thst you now realize you are transgendered? You know it's the right thing to do, but so much could suddenly go wrong no matter what you do. It comes down to a hellish uncertainty.

[Veronica27]

There is a world of difference between telling a lie, and not disclosing a secret, even to our spouse. It is not necessarily an act of cowardice to not disclose something, but can in fact be quite noble. As stated already, life has changed very much in the last thirty or forty years. Those of us who are senior citizens, spent our youth feeling deep shame about what we were doing. In most cases, nobody came right out and said that you should not crossdress because it was wrong, but the general atmosphere made you well aware of society's attitudes. Some had the misfortune of being caught and scolded or punished. We heard the laughter directed at people who were different. The definitions of "perversion" were very broad. Most of us were scared to death that someone might find out and did our utmost to keep our personal secret. We felt that it was something we would outgrow; something that would never recur once we were married and life's little sexual secrets would be known.

There are four possible answers to the question of whether or not to disclose this secret to our spouse or in fact to anyone.

The first one is the simplest and easiest, because it doesn't require a lot of thought, and gets everything over and done with quickly. Just do it. It could drive them away, destroy your life, ruin you financially and so on. Or it could be the best decision you ever made. Who knows?

The second one is somewhat more difficult, but still relatively easy. You simply carry on doing your thing in complete secrecy. It requires some thought and planning, and carries with it a certain amount of risk. The overall result could be satisfying, or completely frustrating depending on your circumstances. Again, who knows what the impact of discovery will be.

The third one is much more difficult and requires a great amount of will power. You suppress your desires. Many of us for one reason or another do this quite often, but we usually have the knowledge that it is not permanent to carry us through. A sudden relapse could be just as devastating as the impact of getting caught in the second approach.

The fourth one is the most difficult. It is doing the right thing. Nobody knows what that is, and consequently we must be prepared to spend long agonizing hours trying to determine what it is. In the meantime, we will find ourselves being overcome by method one, two or three and ultimately facing the fate that will befall us, even though our hearts were in the right place.

There is also an aspect to this that I don't believe anyone has touched upon. Just as our spouse may have no knowledge of our crossdressing and will thus feel betrayed, we have no idea what our spouse's attitude about crossdressing might be, especially if the crossdresser is her own husband.

In my own case, I believed that all of this would go away. When thoughts lingered after I was married, I attempted method three with partial success. Stress led me to try on some of my wife's things, and I did not hide that fact from her. She helped me get a few things of my own, so I would not touch hers, and she seemed to accept the fact that I might need this release once in a while. I carried on mostly suppressing my desires (which was made easier with the arrival of children and time constraints) until my wife's untimely death from cancer. I was devastated and vowed to give up crossdressing, purging everything, as my mind somehow associated my "perversion" with her passing.

After my second marriage, I was already well into suppression mode, when my wife asked me a very strange question. She asked if I had ever worn or tried on a bra. To be fair, it wasn't totally out of the blue, as I had just picked up one of hers to move it out of my way, and had it in my hand when she asked. I was completely honest with her about my past dalliances, and shortly thereafter, she had purchased a number of items for me, and encouraged me to make use of them as long as I did not let the children know. I can't say for sure that she is totally happy with my crossdressing and wouldn't prefer things to be otherwise, but she is certainly accepting of my needs and appears to be understanding. Perhaps this is the "right" method of disclosing our habits. The spouse should simply ask or disclose beforehand what her feelings are.

Veronica

[Lorileah]

Again... we're starting to see some of the deception / lying by omission debate. I agree... what's wrong is wrong. Not having told your spouse years ago or not telling a perspective spouse in this day and age is wrong. However it is understandable and more importantly forgivable. The whole attitude we as CDers face that we lied and because of it... we deserve whatever our spouses give us in return as a result of the omission when our spouses find out... I call BS on that.



Just for fun, let's turn the tables a little bit here. You find an SO. You become a couple (maybe marriage but in any case you are together 16 years). Then you lose your SO. While you are together you ask if she was ever married. She says "no" so you don't ask about children. Yet when she dies, you find out she was married twice before and had two children, that she kept hidden from you. So is this a forgivable thing? She omitted the children during the whole time. She didn't lie about the children (you never asked) but she did lie about that marriages. Forgivable?

See this is in the same vein. Information, which could be of importance, was withheld. Knowing it though would change the dynamics of the relationship certainly, but offering that info allows the OTHER partner the right to decide how they feel about it. When you decide for them, you are controlling and it becomes a matter of trust. You assume you now what is best for them. Can you see where the anger comes from? Can you see where the loss of trust comes from? And yet you still think you know best....put yourself in their shoes for a minute. You trust your spouse then you find out that that trust was ill placed and then you wonder WHY they won't work with you?

[Heather Daniels]

Honestly I don't think that is the same vein. You asked a direct question and it was answered with a complete lie. If my wife would ever ask me point blank if I wear dresses, I would answer honestly. I think you're comparing apples to oranges here.

[Lucy_Bella]

A very good point has been brought up several times for us 35 and over crowd.. I can only speak for myself but when I first started dating my wife I told her but many here didn't tell their S.O.s ...Many here thought it was a phase or something they could "just give up" but found that later in the relationship this wasn't going to go away..Many here didn't have a full understanding of themselves and this was long before the internet when they started..

I have read one of the responses in the article that a poster bought a book on transvestism and read it ..Yeah a book ! Before the internet we still had methods of learning .. For those who still hide this from your S.O.s after 25 years of marriage I offer no advice or suggestions that would guarantee acceptance .. You are the only one that can control this part of your relationship but when the wife finds out..I hope you have armed yourself with plenty of information that may help you help her understand..I am not judging anyone personally in anyway over this subject at all ..

[DanielleLee]

Forgiveness can only be granted by the "wronged" party. Each situation is different. The example you cited Lorileah... yes, many men have forgiven that and... many men would not.

Even those that may not believe in God... understand what is behind the vows "For better, for worse"... At the end of the day... marriage and relationships are about comprise and love; and finding a way to move forward.

You'll note that I didn't say that an omission isn't wrong... I do believe it is. I just believe that any person should be able to understand why the omission occurred. Whether an "omission" is forgiven or not... that's up to the "wronged" spouse. Not anyone else.

[mary something]

I understand why telling or not telling a SO becomes a topic in a thread about why do men crossdress, but I think that understanding the why then lets us know how to tell not the other way around.

Maybe it would be easier if everyone just posted why they think they crossdress. There aren't any right or wrong answers, and certainly shouldn't be any judgement about the reasons as long as no one is hurting anyone with the behavior.

I have always had the desire to crossdress as long as I can remember. The act of crossdressing itself isn't that rewarding to me, but knowing that I look female makes me feel that I'm being authentic to myself in a way that looking male never did.

[Annaliese2010]

I guess 'men' cross-dress for reasons many & diverse. The question is irrelevant to me though. I act as I act, talk as I talk, move as I do & dress as I dress because I'm not a man. I'm a girl. Plain & simple.

[Veronica27]

Just for fun, let's turn the tables a little bit here. You find an SO. You become a couple (maybe marriage but in any case you are together 16 years). Then you lose your SO. While you are together you ask if she was ever married. She says "no" so you don't ask about children. Yet when she dies, you find out she was married twice before and had two children, that she kept hidden from you.

That is an interesting analogy, but there is one fundamental difference between the crossdressing scenario and the marriage with children one. It is not a societal taboo to be married or to have children, in fact the opposite is true. Where the two are similar, though, is that the wife may have felt ashamed that she couldn't make the marriages work, and didn't want to scare off a potential husband, so she hid the truth. Depending on the ages, my concern would have been with her abandonment of the children. It is easier to hide a crossdressing habit than visitation with your children

[Angela Campbell]

Why do men crossdress? Well along the same line, why do some not?

[Lucy_Bella]

I understand why telling or not telling a SO becomes a topic in a thread about why do men crossdress, but I think that understanding the why then lets us know how to tell not the other way around.

Very good point Mary,

Lets look at other reasons that may or may not cause divorces.. Lets say I had no gambling issues or any drug / alcohol problems.. In fact I totally despised any who had these forms of weakness from the start of my relationship with my wife.. But 20 years down the road I developed these addictions ..Sure I drank from the start, socially, and did a little gambling every 5 years or so..

But these addictions have grown so much in time that it has become a problem for my marriage.. Now I know that cross-dressing and the "act of dressing" have very little or nothing to do with addictions( for most people who do it).. Do any of us really know why we do this well enough to explain why to someone else? For addictions. those can be easily explained and help is there if you ask for it but for dressing ...No for most of us we can not explain in a way that could be understood or accepted without knowing why we do it ..

We didn't start out this way in our marriage but we knew of it and we shrugged it off like it was something we could stop doing.. We then continue doing this and hiding it from those who are close to us until we are found out..Then we have some explaining to do what are the answers? How do you explain why men cross-dress?

[Beverley Sims]

I am out on this one for now.
I am into straight up honesty with my wife.
I will have to read and digest the contents for a while.
In the too hard basket for now.

[Lorileah]

That is an interesting analogy, but there is one fundamental difference between the crossdressing scenario and the marriage with children one. It is not a societal taboo to be married or to have children, in fact the opposite is true. Where the two are similar, though, is that the wife may have felt ashamed that she couldn't make the marriages work, and didn't want to scare off a potential husband, so she hid the truth. Depending on the ages, my concern would have been with her abandonment of the children. It is easier to hide a crossdressing habit than visitation with your children


Without getting into the specifics, there WAS a societal taboo in 1965. But to let this rest, I have forgiven because of love which is what I think true love does with cross dresser spouses too. The point wasn't the marriage, it was the children. I wasn't given the opportunity to accept or reject them. It wasn't her decision to make.
And the OP asked the question "why do men cross dress?" but the OP wasn't in regard to physical or mental reasons. It started with the SOs feeling about it so technically the discussion here has been on track. It was all about Kay and what "Alan" responded.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Understanding WHY people lie and condoing the lie are two different things.

At the end of the day, a lie is WRONG. Deceit is WRONG. Withholding the truth from someone you claim to love is cowardly and WRONG. Not telling everyone you know is understandable. But being cowardly about it to someone you are about to get serious with is inexcusable. Internet, new age culture or whatever else.

You'd get upset at any other instance of a partner withholding a major part of their self so why not this one? Blaming age is sort of an implication that older people dont have morals. The subject doesnt excuse the core point. That there is a lie being told to an intimate partner. I dont care if it's 1897. It's WRONG. And yes someone will say its easier said than done. But the truth has rarely been easy to begin with.

If you cant handle it then let the person go and keep the secret. I'd be highly pissed off if I were a woman and years later I find out my husband was a crossdresser. I'd dump his ass regardless. Not for the crossdressing but for lying to me. Because from what I've heard & seen. THe secret ALWAYS comes out. It would behoove you to be the one that tells it. Because having her find out from someone else will just make it worse.

Bri,

I wholeheartedly agree with you , that a lie is a lie. And that yes, most long term CD/TG, that live the lie for years have done it for so long that it become a part of who they are. Is it right no, Is it justifiable no. As many, many posts here testify, it usually ends in divorce, Rarely does the BIG REVEAL ever end well. In my personal life I chose to be open and honest in any new relationship because I learned the hard lesson of what it costs. Fortunately for me , many years later I found someone who was open minded enough to look at the person and the character of the person. For her I am eternally grateful.

Was it cowardly ? Mayby, that's a judgement call from someone on the outside looking in. Was I fearful ? absolutely, When you have friends,family,therapists,church friends, pastors, telling you the evil,bad,horrible wretches that the TG 'lifestyle' is. Funny thing is , I did not feel like a evil,bad,horrible person. In fact I was a pillar of the my social, spiritual, family, business and local community. The depression brought on by hiding who I am drove me into depression.

Every generation seems to have some cultural point on which they pivot. Past generations have navigated the stormy waters to racial and sexual equality. My generation apperars to be the one that has successfully navigated the waters of the gay/lesbian revolution. I hope that the next generation will be successful in reducing if not removing the stigma that is associated with being transgendered.

I only tried to share my own story as to why I crossdress, not to make excuses for a character flaw. In short I crossdress because I am transgendered . One of these days some future generation will never have to answer that question, because it's like being asked why you are Black or White on any other color. It's how I was born ............ period.

[Leona]

Forgiveness can only be granted by the "wronged" party. Each situation is different. The example you cited Lorileah... yes, many men have forgiven that and... many men would not.

Um, I'm going to disagree with this. If you wait for the wronged party to forgive you, you put waaaay too much power in their hands. And if they're abusive, that's BAD.

Forgiveness starts with yourself. And you must do it FOR YOURSELF. After you've done that, you can seek forgiveness from someone else.

Lorileah's situation is similar to an abusive situation, believe or not. She was victimized, no doubts about that. So she has to first forgive herself for allowing herself to be victimized. Then, for closure, she has to forgive the wife in question. NONE OF THIS IS EASY.


Even those that may not believe in God... understand what is behind the vows "For better, for worse"... At the end of the day... marriage and relationships are about comprise and love; and finding a way to move forward.

God has nothing to do with those vows.... ;)

However, I disagree with the idea that relationships are "about compromise". Why would I get into a relationship where I have to give up things I want to compromise for what the relationship needs? Makes more sense to me to keep looking for a relationship that gives me what I want and where I can offer the other person what she wants.

Compromise boils down to two things:

* You each give up what you want and find a middle ground: nobody's happy.
* You do what I want in exchange for a nebulous promise to get what you want later.


You'll note that I didn't say that an omission isn't wrong... I do believe it is. I just believe that any person should be able to understand why the omission occurred. Whether an "omission" is forgiven or not... that's up to the "wronged" spouse. Not anyone else.

We must be very careful when we talk about lying by omission. There's a fine line between privacy and secrecy. For someone who can find time to CD and keep it private and be satisfied, it's hard to say if they're being private or secret. You have to be in their shoes to make that call.

Badtranny: You mean like congressman that try to pass laws bannig LGBT marriage that get caught soliciting for gay sex in an airport bathroom or from their underaged pages?

[DanielleLee]

Leona... disagree all you want. This forum is for discussion and debate. People can disagree. I stand by my statement. You introduced a variable of a vindictive SO. That changes things. One of those exceptions to the rules, if you will.

Not starting a religious debate here.

As far as compromise goes. It's not the only ingredient in a successful relationship.... but an important one. You stated your opinion about compromise; explained it. Good luck to you with it, if you don't think it's necessary.

[Dianne S]

Maybe it would be easier if everyone just posted why they think they crossdress.

This is a very interesting question. I still don't have the answers. Also, my reasons for crossdressing have changed over the years.

When I crossdressed as a teenager, there was a definite sexual aspect to it. I loved sexy lingerie that would be completely impractical for daywear by a real woman. And my crossdressing was often accompanied by... shall we say... other solitary pleasurable activities.

Now that I'm older, I find I prefer crossdressing in relatively understated women's clothing, and not just lingerie but outerwear too. I find when I'm crossdressed, I feel more relaxed, softer, and happier. I like to feel pretty and attractive. As a guy, I'm OK looking but nothing special. In girl mode, I'm probably not remotely passable, but I feel better-looking even if I'm not really.

I still don't know why crossdressing gives me these feelings. I've been crossdressing for 35+ years now and still don't know the answer. I've more-or-less given up on trying to understand it and I'm just enjoying it. It's like a strange, surprising little gift that I might as well appreciate.

[Alice Torn]

I agree with Heather. We really do need a LIKE button on here!!

[Alice Torn]

Tex Kimberley, Very good post! Extra Y chromosome? Intersting! I know that some GG's especially religious, would divorce over CDing. Some would stay and try to get the cder to religious counseling.

[Jenniferathome]

Why do men crossdress? Well along the same line, why do some not?

Come on, that's not a reasonable supposition. And it's not "some" it's "the vast majority" of males who do not cross dress.We are way on the unique side.

[Leona]

Leona... disagree all you want. This forum is for discussion and debate. People can disagree. I stand by my statement. You introduced a variable of a vindictive SO. That changes things. One of those exceptions to the rules, if you will.


We're not having a problem here, don't worry. :) If I came off as somewhat angry or whatever, it's because of my own baggage, has nothing to do with you. And as you said, discussion and debate, and also presenting other points of view so people reading have stuff to think about. (I, too, would prefer to avoid a religious debate here)

[Asche]

Why do men crossdress? Well along the same line, why do some not?
Come on, that's not a reasonable supposition. And it's not "some" it's "the vast majority" of males who do not cross dress.We are way on the unique side.
The answer as to why "some" (=most) do not is obvious (whether it's true is another matter):

They are trained from birth to avoid and hate anything labeled "feminine."

Exhibit A: my big brother. I make up T-shirts for our family reunions, each year a different color. One year I chose pink. He really lost it -- you'd have thought putting on an article of pink clothing would magically turn him into a woman. (I can hear the M2F TS's saying, "I wish!) He ended up cutting his T-shirt up into little squares -- to clean his guns with.

I somehow doubt he'll ever cross-dress, even as a joke.

+ + +

Why I crossdress?

My short (and somewhat simplified answer) is: I like the clothes.

I've always felt the attraction. Now that I actually wear (or realistically imagine wearing) them, I notice that my tastes are rather eclectic. Not every "feminine" garment does it for me. I haven't found a common thread, although I tend to go for the "girlier" or more frou-frou styles rather than what passes for "sexy" nowadays. And there's stuff I love seeing women wear that I don't want to wear, and vice versa. I don't feel like I'm any different when I wear them, I just feel more like me, more at home in the clothes.

So explanations like "I want to feel like/look like a woman" don't make a lot of sense to me.

My own rationalization (which is as good as any of the balderdash coming out of the APA and the self-appointed "gender experts") is that it's an example of variation of human preferences. After all, some women like dresses and some hate them (and we see these preferences in very young girls, too.) And they like different styles. My guess is if men weren't brainwashed from birth on that girl stuff (esp. girl clothes) has icky girl cooties, you'd see a substantial minority of men wearing dresses and/or skirts and/or panty hose and heels, etc.

Add to that a family trait: we tend to be bad at responding to social pressure. It seems like most people are able to internalize and turn themselves into whoever they're supposed to be in a social group or situation, but I just can't do it, any more than a tone-deaf person can carry a tune. So I could never make myself become a dudebro like the rest, and dealing with my forbidden urges was always a struggle. Eventually, about 10 years ago, I just gave up.

That's my rationalization, anyway. And I'm stickin' to it.

[Wildaboutheels]

I would certainly H O P E that no one who participates at this Forum, [or any other Forum] would claim to KNOW just what percentage of the male population CDs? Or would claim to have an even remotely reliable source as to same? And would you also CLAIM to know just what percent of the population is Gay? Something that SHOULD be much easier to quantify.

I would also certainly HOPE that people realize that only the tiniest percentage of people join Forums no matter how passionate they may be about something, be they motorcycle, Dating site, or I am guessing most any other Forum.

[Lucy_Bella]

So explanations like "I want to feel like/look like a woman" don't make a lot of sense to me.

My own rationalization (which is as good as any of the balderdash coming out of the APA and the self-appointed "gender experts")

Sorry, but it's not only the "APA" the "GLAAD" also has a say in this..

Cross-Dressing To occasionally wear clothes traditionally associated with people of the other sex. Cross-dressers are usually comfortable with the sex they were assigned at birth and do not wish to change it. "Cross-dresser" should NOT be used to describe someone who has transitioned to live full-time as the other sex or who intends to do so in the future. Cross-dressing is a form of gender expression and is not necessarily tied to erotic activity. Cross-dressing is not indicative of sexual orientation.

[Leona]

I would certainly H O P E that no one who participates at this Forum, [or any other Forum] would claim to KNOW just what percentage of the male population CDs? Or would claim to have an even remotely reliable source as to same? And would you also CLAIM to know just what percent of the population is Gay? Something that SHOULD be much easier to quantify.

Why? There are some pretty solid mathematical models available. Some of them approach a 20% uncertainty with estimating the population of transgender people in our society (having a hard time adjusting to the clarification of the word "transgender"'s part of speech :) ). For the LG portion of the population, the models are much more accurate simply because it's becoming much more acceptable to be openly gay. Estimating what part of the population is gay now carries roughly the same level of uncertainty that estimating what part is atheist and/or non-religious.

I don't have figures handy, though. :)

[Asche]

Sorry, but it's not only the "APA" the "GLAAD" also has a say in this..
As does the Disney corporation. And the Catholic Church. What's your point?

I assume that Lucy_Bella is quoting someone else (w/o attribution?) here:

Cross-Dressing To occasionally wear clothes traditionally associated with people of the other sex. Cross-dressers are usually comfortable with the sex they were assigned at birth and do not wish to change it. "Cross-dresser" should NOT be used to describe someone who has transitioned to live full-time as the other sex or who intends to do so in the future. Cross-dressing is a form of gender expression and is not necessarily tied to erotic activity. Cross-dressing is not indicative of sexual orientation.
Why not go all the way and discuss crossdressing in terms of the 4 humors?

We live in a society in which not only the gender binary but also the traits conventionally associated with the two genders are assumed to be as unchanging and intrinsic to reality as the Pauli exclusion principle. Since the "experts" are also members of this society, they are going to classify "gender-variant" behavior in ways that don't challenge the paradigm of binary gender and gender traits and force behavior that does challenge that paradigm into categories that don't. (And since they are mostly from the most privileged segments of society, their interest in maintaining their privilege also leads them to support the status quo.)

The only place one can hope for any alternative way of framing gender-binary-challenging behavior is with people who actually who actually live it, because they're the only ones who have among their interests one that _isn't_ in the direction of the status quo.

We saw this with gays and lesbians. Back when I was a child, the "experts" pretty uniformly agreed that homosexuality was a disorder and a perversion needing either cure or suppression. It was not the "experts", but the gays and lesbians themselves that challenged this, against enormous resistance from the "experts" and leaders.

It's been a similar story with sexism and racism -- the "experts" generally defined things in terms that justified the status quo, and it has always been left to the oppressed people themselves to come up with alternate framings of things.

For that matter, there are trans people who are challenging the idea that trans people are _necessarily_ people who are "transitioning to the other sex".

[Leona]

Asche: I find that both what Lucy_Bella said and what you said are both true. Hers is factually correct, in that crossdressing doesn't say anything about sexual orientation.

Yet, I find your statements on the subject quite compelling. Does "transgender" exist as a label purely to protect the cisgender population from insecurity? By putting us all in a box (even if it's a big, nebulous box, it's a box nonetheless), does that truly protect the cisgender population from the threat that their secure gender roles aren't so secure after all?

For that matter, I remember my first thanksgiving dinner with my ex-wife. I cooked the whole meal from start to finish. She contributed a dish that was basically a packaged dish. After eating it, we went to her dad's house, and her step-mom quizzed her on how everything was cooked. She was taken aback quite a bit when I told her I cooked it. It was really strange, but she was at least a little offended by the idea that the MAN cooked a traditional dinner. I guess part of cooking a traditional dinner is the tradition that the woman cooks it.

So it's not just crossdressers and other transgender people challenging the social order.

[Lucy_Bella]

As does the Disney corporation. And the Catholic Church. What's your point?. My "point" is I have brought up "factual " information that backs what I say is true verses "personal opinion" ..We can bring up Disney and the catholic church ..Would they base their studies upon the general population? Right! Mine comes from the "Transgender " studies.. Not personal opinion..


I assume that Lucy_Bella is quoting someone else (w/o attribution?) here:. Yes you are correct because unlike you I value my own opinion with professional studies that are within the subject matter " transgender" not as a whole or my own personal opinion.. These are studies done within our own behavior not a percentage of the average population..


Why not go all the way and discuss crossdressing in terms of the 4 humors?.. Why would we? Wouldn't that be judging? Why would I judge everyone as a whole..? We must understand that we are all different and to consider everyone the same would be to corralling us as a whole.. I'm not built that way..


We live in a society in which not only the gender binary but also the traits conventionally associated with the two genders are assumed to be as unchanging and intrinsic to reality as the Pauli exclusion principle.

Maybe but society is learning this is not true and it's how " we" who rock society present ourselves.. You know and I know this statement is far from the truth .. We have always had the third "gender".http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/archaeologists-unearth-5000-year-old-third-gender-caveman.
Since the "experts" are also members of this society, they are going to classify "gender-variant" behavior in ways that don't challenge the paradigm of binary gender and gender traits and force behavior that does challenge that paradigm into categories that don't. (And since they are mostly from the most privileged segments of society, their interest in maintaining their privilege also leads them to support the status quo.)
This is not true and many "Experts" are from the "trans community" how can you say this? I say this because you base your opinion personally ..You bring no facts to the table.. Until you learn we are all different under the umbrella and "every "study" is flawed we assume our own " personal " opinion.. Not true..I will take "studies" done within "our" own community verses "us" as a whole.. So take this as a fact!! Most studies done today are based and "done" within our own community.. And those who do these studies are people who come from "our" OWN community!!

[AmyGaleRT]

First of all, in answer to the question asked by the thread title, I'm of the opinion that there are approximately as many reasons men crossdress as there are crossdressers. :)

With regard to the question "is not telling your spouse a lie?", I asked Sabrina what her opinion was on the issue. She was upset that I hadn't come out to her sooner (though "upset" may be too strong a word; "miffed" is probably closer), but she got over it reasonably quickly. She did not, however, consider that I was "lying" to her all that time by not having told her. What she said was, "Some people just have secrets that they have to keep, but sometimes, the only way to really move forward is to let those secrets go." (She's about as honest and straightforward a person as you can find; she'll always tell you what she thinks, in plain language.) In my defense, I didn't know that she'd be as non-judgmental as she's turned out to be; so many CDs have been completely shocked at the way their SOs have flown off the handle, it would have been foolish of me to assume anything.

- Amy

[Amanda M]

The answer to the original post is, at root, quite simple. People do what they do because they get a reward from it. In crossdressing terms, that might be any number of things - feeling pretty,a sexual charge, abdication of male responsibilities and so on. Every one of us will have a different "reward", and we'll continue to do what we do until the benefits of that reward are outweighed by any risks attached.

[Asche]

My "point" is I have brought up "factual " information that backs what I say is true verses "personal opinion"
No, you are arguing from authority. For me to accept what you say, I have to trust your authorities. I don't, and I have explained why.


Mine comes from the "Transgender " studies.
To take your "studies" seriously, I'd have to be able to trust that the people who did them were aware of the possible biases, confounding variables, and hidden assumptions in them.

[Lucy_Bella]

No, you are arguing from authority. For me to accept what you say, I have to trust your authorities. I don't, and I have explained why..

Fair enuff!! But lets not forget it's a Forum for discussion and there is not only one color on the palette.. Maybe others do care to know.. I will take the professionals over personal opinion any day..



To take your "studies" seriously, I'd have to be able to trust that the people who did them were aware of the possible biases, confounding variables, and hidden assumptions in them.
Dr, Blanchard has obviously left a bad taste in the T.G. community ..Don't you think it's time to move past that ? There are other studies being done take as for example GLAAD!! They are not "MY STUDIES" get over it already!

[Stephanie47]

Why do "I" cross dress? I wish I knew. What started it? I wish I knew. Did I cross dress before I met my wife? Yes, but I hadn't for many years. I had actually forgotten about it. Should I have searched my mind for every possible misdeed or inclination I had before I met her?

What I do know is my wife revealed to me some of her really really misfortunes and misadventures of the type that would have made most clear thinking men take a second look at this woman. And, most would have probably run for the hills.

What I do know, after several years of bedroom play that was mutual with lingerie, my wife and I discovered there was more to my desire to wear women's clothing than just bedroom play. It turned her off. What I clearly remember in our 'discussion' is she wished she had never told me of her past because then she would have been able to walk away from the marriage playing the poor victim. So, I was willing to accept her. She was not willing to accept me. Talk about bullshit.

Of course, we are now in a DADT marriage. Some call it a continuation of deceit or lieing. DADT works fine if it is truly DADT: no barbs thrown; no wearing of women's garments around the house; no painted nails.

I think for most of us in a DADT marriage, there are more stressful things that arise in a marriage than the guy wearing a dress. If not, why a 50% divorce rate?

[ossian]

I have no clue why I do/(have done) it. I've cross dressed from when I was 13 years old. It was awesome, confusing, frustrating, liberating, shameful, beautiful, and so on from an early age, and to this day I have now idea why I like to do it and how it makes be utterly feel complete. (Sorry that's my answer and I'm sticking with it!)

[Leona]

What I do know is my wife revealed to me some of her really really misfortunes and misadventures of the type that would have made most clear thinking men take a second look at this woman. And, most would have probably run for the hills.

Were we married to the same woman? My ex-wife had stories like that. Actually, my current wife does too, but at least it isn't rife with rape stories. Still, you don't become a stripper if you've had a happy, healthy childhood. (She's not a stripper anymore, that was years ago)


What I do know, after several years of bedroom play that was mutual with lingerie, my wife and I discovered there was more to my desire to wear women's clothing than just bedroom play. It turned her off. What I clearly remember in our 'discussion' is she wished she had never told me of her past because then she would have been able to walk away from the marriage playing the poor victim. So, I was willing to accept her. She was not willing to accept me. Talk about bullshit.

My wife actually compared all the things about her that I had to accept to be with her to my crossdressing and decided I was still the one with the greater load to accept. She also pointed out quite a few times that I had a right to wear whatever I want, and she had no right to tell me not to. So she'd set for herself the goal from the outset that she was going to accept it because she had no right not to.

I like her attitude. I wish more women saw it that way. I don't see why a woman who really loves her husband can't have him as a girl friend when he's dressed, even if there's no sexual attraction. Do you agree? Would most crossdressers (that have nothing resembling a fetish associated with it, of course) be happy to be a girl friend to their wife when dressed and be Rico Suave the rest of the time?

[Erica2Sweet]

...I'd be willing to suggest that anybody over the age of 30 who keeps their CD nature a secret from their spouse gets a free pass...

If someone is keeping a secret, any secret, that he suspects if brought to light, would endanger his relationship, he's being deceitful and disingenuous. It's acting selfishly in the purest sense, because he's looking to simply maintain his comfort level within his relationship via deceit, and it indicates clearly that he's not trusting enough of his partner to allow her to know about a major part of who he is. It's almost always because he's ashamed of that part of himself. I'm sorry, but the reality is for us as humans is that you cannot function in a healthy relationship if you are shaming yourself into the closet.

If you want to be in a healthy relationship you don't this. If you want to be with someone who in GENUINELY compatible with you, you tell your spouse about your crossdressing before she commits to you before God and family and let the chips fall where they may. If you have any morals at all you know, deep down, it's the right thing to do. It's valuing and respecting the person you're with more than loving the pursuit of self gratification and maintaining your own level of marital comfort at any cost.

The assertion that "I just don't get it" with regard to this issue is exactly why my wife refuses to take part in these forums. Someone who cannot see this issue as being oh so simple, is living in a state of blatant denial of reality that cannot be reasoned with, and I really don't blame her. When I see posts here that encourage others to keep up the lie, that's when these forums become a negative and destructive influence on others.

At this point in history, there's not really a lot of reinventing the wheel in maintaining a healthy relationship. It's pretty much all been figured out by someone and written about. Why people try to convince themselves their unique way of doing things will somehow work out in the end baffles me.

[Adrienna]

:2c:Wait a minute ladies...I thought the original title of this thread was, "Why do men cross-dress?". Instead we have gone way off subject for most part focusing on truth-telling....what gives?? Did I miss something? I am truly interested as to why we do cross-dress or at least view some more answers not already given here on Cd.com. I always seek, "new" findings, especially from men who do partake in the femme of things. Thanks to all of you anyway.