Coming out...

[Hannah W.]

Hi everyone,

I'm plucking up the confidence to speak with my wife tomorrow about my cross-dressing. Do you think that avoiding terms such as 'cross-dressing' etc helps in this predicament?? I was planning on saying that i 'Like dressing up in girls clothes' as it seems slightly less risque...

Any thoughts???

[stacycoral]

Miss Hannah, girl I can't tell you want to say, I only will say I wishyou the best, I told my now wife about 23 years ago before we were married and she has lived with me since, sometimes it isn't the easy but we make it work, hugs girl

[Jenniferathome]

I don't think the word is as big a deal as the image she will have.

I highly recommend you prepare, write down what you want to say and memorize it, kind of prepared. In my signature is what I wrote and memorized. "Cross dress" is exactly what you do so I think a fair term to use. Be prepared for "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to transition?" Answer every question 100% honestly and then give her time to do some research and ask more questions. Once the genie is out, you are all in.

Good luck

[candydawn75]

Hannah I wish you the best of luck. I too don't have any real advice and mine started from the wife as bedroom fun and grown from there. I can say to get to wear some women's clothing in drab mode I have been VERY OPEN and honest that
1. I AM NOT GAY!!! and do not think about sex with a male.
2. I love the look and feel.
3. That like her I like to be able to feel pretty and change with my moods etc.
4. Dressing make me feel good about myself.

Good luck!!

[Kate Simmons]

It really depends on the individual person and how they will react. Some women don't like the idea of their man looking like a woman, others have no problem with it.:)

[Hannah W.]

Thanks all, my wife is really switched on, intelligent and liberal - I imagine (hope!) that she doesnt think that i'm gay if I tell her! Just thinking what phrase would soften the blow rather that saying "i'm a cross-dresser"?

[Sister Rachel]

I can't see what's so terrible about " cross-dresser"? Translates to Latin as "transvestite" .. what's the big deal? " I like to wear female clothes" .. it's all the same issue, really. I really hope it goes well for you, whatever :) x

[Lynn Marie]

Seems to me there's a very well written post on how to come out to your SO. I've seen links to it many times. Maybe one of the more experienced girls here will post it.

My advice? Be very gentle and try hard to see things from her point of view. You are going to be putting her through a traumatic experience and you've kept the truth from her for some time. How would you feel if she dropped a "bomb" on you?

[Leona]

Dunno how to answer. I introduce it as a sex game, and then after a few times of that, I said something like "I think I'd like to wear clothes like that from time to time, nonsexually. Maybe more normal clothes." YMMV.

[Debglam]

Hey Hannah.

I actually just posted about coming out to my daughter a few seconds ago.

Look, my advice based on coming out to my own wife and family is this:

If you are going to be honest, BE HONEST. If you feel that you are a crossdresser, call it that. If you feel that you are more transgender then call it that. Whatever you call it, be crystal clear and answer any questions she has honestly. It is like pulling off a bandaid, you can't just ease it off. I tried to soft soap things and had to tell my wife the whole story TWICE because I confused things.

[candydawn75]

It that is what more what you are asking I have to agree with Leona and say I have NO idea. I too started in the bedroom and moved on from there. Heck you might try that "Hey ever wanted to be with another women??" ;p lolololol jk jk not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p

[Hannah W.]

Thanks all for the kind words and excellent advice, at the moment I'm in a very good place as regards speaking with her tomorrow...just scared that my nerve will fail at the last moment - really, really don't want to upset her more than anything :(

[Barbara Ella]

Hannah, great advice here. Be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not let your wife wonder what you are. Do not let her google female dresser etc. If you are a crossdresser, own it. My wife laughed at me until she saw the fright in my eyes about coming out to her. then she cried for two weeks. Be prepared to talk and talk, and don't stop talking. There will be so much she will not know, and as she begins to educate herself she will have so many more questions and concerns. Just be honest, and be there for her continually.

Barbara

[I Am Paula]

It that is what more what you are asking I have to agree with Leona and say I have NO idea. I too started in the bedroom and moved on from there. Heck you might try that "Hey ever wanted to be with another women??" ;p lolololol jk jk not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p

Unless your female SO is admittedly and openly bi, never, ever call her, or suggest she may be, a lesbian. Any dialog you had will go right out the window. Not even as a joke!

[Wildaboutheels]

There are quite a few here who INSIST that a CDing disclosure by itself can't/won't end a Relationship. These folks clearly need to do a little more reading. Plenty have reported here, that it did in fact, END their Relationships. In some cases, ones of many years.

And LOVE does not conquer all.

Just because your wife LOVES you does not mean she will/must accept.

Nor does the fact, she is intelligent or open minded guarantee anything.

Yes, she MIGHT fully accept, and you might be sporting smooth legs or any other body parts 24 hours from now.

Or, you might be sleeping on the couch for a long time or be looking for other living accommodations within a month.

TELLING is always a roll of the dice.

Of course, you could end up in a DADT, which obviously works for MANY members here despite the fact that many others claim, it is wrong/unhealthy/can't work etc. Whatever works for you and your wife is what is important.

[Celeste]

How about....."Sometimes I feel a need to express a softer side of me,and I want to share that with you".

[Leona]

I think Celeste's line might very well be an excellent way to open the conversation. It's very much non-confrontational, and at the same time indicates something you've been holding back that you want to talk about. Girls dig talking about feelings and stuff, so this may open the door to a light you want to see where other first lines may prejudice her before you start the second line.

I wish I'd have thought of that when my wife and I were facing it. ;)

[Bree Wagner]

Good luck Hannah, I'm really hoping all goes well for you.



If you are going to be honest, BE HONEST.

Lot's of god advice here. I certainly agree with the above. Past that, listen to her, be ready to answer questions, and I'd suggest you tell her that you love her at every opportunity. You wouldn't be sharing this if you didn't feel it was an important part of her and that you want to be perfectly open and candid with her and make sure she understands this part of you.

Again, good luck!

-Bree

[Hannah W.]

Thanks Wildaboutheels, its really good to hear that there is another side to the coin and no guarantee that things are going to work out perfectly. I know there are massive risks involved but I'm now at a stage where if I don't get it off my chest, I wouldn't be who I really am.

I only mentioned my wifes intelligence because I don't believe she would irrationally link cross-dressing to homosexuality or some other marriage ending predicament. I see my cross-dressing as a 'hobby', not a lifestyle choice! & I think DADT is what i'll be hoping for - I don't envisage us sitting on the sofa on a Saturday night, watching TV with me as Hannah! Its more something I like to do when I have the place to myself, but I want to tell her as I think stashing my clothes in the attic (as I do now) is kinda deceitful - I want her to know, but don't want it in her face as it were...

Thanks Celeste, that is SUCH a good line that I think I will use it :), thanks all again - I dont think I could do this without you all - much love xx

[Princess Grandpa]

Please let us know how this works out
Hug
Rita

[heatherdress]

Hannah - Good for you. A lot of guts telling your wife. The right thing to do.

You already have a lot of good advice. One subtle addition - maybe avoid giving yourself a label or a title. Instead, describe what you do. It may be easier for your wife to understand that it makes you happy to wear female clothing, that it make you feel better, happier, more complete. Maybe she would understand feelings and specific actions better than labels which we all struggle with. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Follow Jennifer's advice. This can work out if you prepare well and are attuned to your wife's feelings. Don't think you'll be done in one conversation. Coming out is a process.

[candydawn75]

Unless your female SO is admittedly and openly bi, never, ever call her, or suggest she may be, a lesbian. Any dialog you had will go right out the window. Not even as a joke!

As I said it was a JOKE lighten up!! Obviously somehow you missed the whole "not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p"

[linda allen]

Hi everyone,

I'm plucking up the confidence to speak with my wife tomorrow about my cross-dressing. Do you think that avoiding terms such as 'cross-dressing' etc helps in this predicament?? I was planning on saying that i 'Like dressing up in girls clothes' as it seems slightly less risque...

Any thoughts???

There are many posts here about ways to tell your wife about your dressing so I suggest you read them. Jennifer suggested memorizing what you are going to say and I think that's a good suggestion.

As for the term "crossdressing" or "crossdresser", those are the nicest terms that can be applied to us. Compare that to "transvestite" or "drag queen". Tell her you are a "crossdresser".

[Hannah W.]

Again thank you all, I think that tonight may be a little too soon especially as I'll be away with Work on Monday night - probably not the best thing to do, drop it on her then disappear! Interestingly someone has posed the same problem on the Guardian's website today: there's a few stupid responses from people trying to be clever, but also some interesting perspectives.

Thank you all again, I really, really appreciate it :)

[Deedee Skyblue]

I actually used the 'It might help you get closer to your fantasy of being with another woman?' question with a girlfriend, back about 20 years ago, when I told her about my dressing. Of course, I already knew she had the fantasy.

Deedee

[Jeanna]

I am glad that you are going to tell her. I got caught about 2 months ago. I wish that I hadn't kept it a secret. She is not accepting, at least not for now. One day at a time......

[Beverley Sims]

What you are planning to say sounds like a good idea.
Try and treat it as no big deal and do not embellish the story if you can avoid it.
Just answer the questions and try and prevent more questions if possible by phrasing your answers correctly.

[Hannah W.]

So...I did it!!!! Never been so scared, but had to get it out...& my wife was fantastic!!!!!!!

I told her all about my history, why I do it (no idea!) etc - she gave me a huge hug and though she said she was shocke,d (as was completely unexpected!) she was so happy that I had told her and so glad now that I no longer have to creep around. No anger, no horror...my wife is perfect! :)

[AmyGaleRT]

That's wonderful news, Hannah! That's just like my own experience when I told my fiancee Sabrina. And doesn't it feel so much better to get it out in the open?

Now, just remember to go slow and not go overboard. Respect her feelings. I don't know if she will actually want to see you as Hannah; if you don't know yet, resist the urge to push it on her before you know she's ready.

And always, always tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. :)

- Amy

[Hannah W.]

Thanks Amy - we've agreed to keep things very separate, like DADT but more due to the fact I don't want to rub it in her face, rather than she isn't happy about it. Believe me, i'll be taking it very slow from here on in.


And always, always tell her how much you love her and appreciate her oh I do, and will and will never stop telling her! :)

Thanks again everyone, could never have got there without you all!
xx

[MissTee]

Congrats, Hannah! You'll have a much healthier relationship with your wife now that you're not harboring secrets. Do take it slow though as she will definitely be processing this for a while.

[Bree Wagner]

WooHoo! Way to go Hannah, I'm thrilled it went well. Good luck from here on out.

-Bree

[cdxmatty]

good for you girl. treat her well!!

[Beverley Sims]

Taking it slowly is a big part of the recipe.

[Rogina B]

She will be "processing it" for a good long time! You'll see!

[mariehart]

Well done Hannah. I too am toying with coming out to my wife. However my position is slightly different. I think she knows or suspects already. Indeed I think one of her sisters may know or suspect as well.

Naturally I've been giving away hints over the years, jokingly or by mistake. She found a stash of my panties once. She said nothing, simply incorporating them into her selection. Whether she thought they were hers which had been mislaid or mine. I could never find out without compromising myself. I have worn her underwear in sex games in the past. Her only comment was that she shouldn't encourage that kind of thing.

But lately I've been pushing my luck. Buying and wearing casual female clothes that could be male and wearing them around the house and in public. Actually what led me to believe she suspected was when I bought a pair of male jogging pants. She actually said. 'Those are women's' I showed her that label that proved otherwise. But later I bought a female pair. But they were too tight really and she noticed. I stopped wearing them and in fact when she was looking for something casual to wear once I offered them to her. She's worn them ever since and led to a moment which convinced me she knows I crossdress. She took a hoodie top I had which I stopped wearing because it's too small. She was wearing that and the trousers. I joked that she was completely dressed in men's clothes and must be a crossdresser. But she pointed to the trousers and said: 'Well these are women's.' I agreed. Nothing more was said.

The other day in the course of conversation, she drily commented that I shouldn't assume she doesn't notice things. She didn't say anything else though and wouldn't be drawn.

So she has to know I routinely wear women's clothing. But for some reason has chosen to ignore that. The question I have is to ask: 'What next?'. Do I let things continue? Or do I try to be more open about it. I don't necessarily want to be in full female mode in front of her. But I would like to be able to dress as I am now and not have to worry if she notices my bra or underwear.

I'm not sure how to approach this. I'd like to confirm she knows without simply telling her outright thereby giving her a chance to deny it all or forbid me from wearing anything female. Knowing her as I do I think she might fear that if she gave approval. I might take advantage and go too far and others would find out or I would escalate the whole thing and spend my days flouncing around in skirts. Which wouldn't happen as much as I'd like it too. I would like it to be a much of non issue as if I collected stamps. Hard for her to understand but harmless.

[Hannah W.]

I wish you nothing but success Marie, sounds like your SO may have an idea as to what you do - whereas my wife was taken completely unawares. We're taking things slowly now, I've promised to only CD when she isn't around (as she doesn't want to see me as Hannah yet), but it's such a relief to be able to order clothes etc online now (had a big eBay spend this morning!!). Jo (my wife) also offered me make up tips & volunteered to pick me things up from the shops if I wanted her to. So thrilled she's supportive but have declined the offer for now as don't want her to get involved with my CD until she is completely at ease with the idea.

Good luck Marie, really hopeit works out for you.

Hannah

[mariehart]

Thanks, glad it's working out for you. Oddly enough you would think I'm in a better position given that I suspect she knows. But perhaps she doesn't want to have to deal with it. It's a tricky one.

Like you I would like to be able to buy things openly and not sneak around. Perhaps she is worried that if she encourages me too much. I'll overdo it. Hard to say.

[Hannah W.]

Update: Just thought I would let you girls know how i'm getting on post admission...

I'm sitting her typing this as Hannah for the first time since Sunday before I told my wife. She has needed a couple of days to process the news and start to see a new side to me, but i'm glad to say that today its been like nothing ever happened :) I know that things will not always be so easy, I know that If i 'overdo' it too soon, it could well plant seeds of worry into her mind so am planning on taking it very slowly.

For me its been like a breath of fresh air and a massive weight off my shoulders! I had a bit of an credit card assault the morning after my coming out and am now sitting here in my first pair of breast forms that I would never have been able to buy if i hadnt made piece with myself and been honest with my wife - and i feel so good for it! So much happier (& dare I say sexier with my new shape!!) I feel more like a girl than I have ever done before!

I very conscious and very grateful I've been very lucky with my wife, I know that I could be in despair right now if things didn't go to plan, but just wanted to share my happiness with you all. Sorry if it sounds like a gloat...but i'm just sooooooooo happy!!!

Hannah

[mariehart]

Excellent, that's exactly how I would like it. Just not having to worry about being caught. I too wouldn't want to be in her face about it either. But just not having to worry about leaving the wrong site up on the computer or leaving clothes in the wrong place or like I've done put one of my bras in her drawer. (I do all the washing). Even something as simple about never worrying about her coming home unexpectedly.

I think possibly some of us overdo it when they tell their SO and find them accepting at first. Soon she's wondering what happened to her man. Not good that.