I did it...

[AmandaJean]

… I told my wife. It was a stumbling, halting and somewhat sideways conversation, but I finally got the point across.

It's kind of funny, you build up all these scenarios about how telling your spouse will be super difficult, that she will not accept me or that it's the end of life as you know it. I certainly went into this conversation feeling all that and more.

The fact is my wife helped me a bit by saying something she hoped would be outrageous. In a teasing manner she asked, "You're not going to tell me your gay, are you?" With that she broke the ice and it was easier.

I didn't just blurt out, "hey, I'm a crossdresser". I told her I like to dress up. Which of course begged additional questions, such as, "dress up as what?"

After some additional stumbling, she got the idea that I like to wear women's clothing.

Of course at first she thought it a bit strange and wondered why I felt this was something I needed to do. But she was very supportive, listened, and asked questions. It would be nice if I could explain it to myself. But I've decided to live one day at a time and accept myself unconditionally.

When I told her about how afraid I was to talk to her about this. That I hadn't been sleeping well, worrying and thinking about all the possible negative repercussions, she asked why I hadn't told her sooner!

Thankfully, I had read some of the posts on here about talking to your significant other, which helped me tremendously. The biggest area for me is that I have a tendency to overwhelm with too much information. In this case I kept my enthusiasm in check. Only telling her enough to allow her to ease into the idea.

This was probably the best advice ever. Thank you!

I offered her some advice where she could learn more about crossdressing, recommending the Tri-Ess site and this forum. I told her how helpful it was for me to read this forum and how much it helped me to understand more about me. She had no interest in digging any deeper, so I let it go.

This was all about her and ensuring that she was comfortable. So it goes at her pace.

Honestly, I thought that once I told my wife, that would be the last time we talked about it. She only asked for two boundaries, that I not tell our child, not to let her "catch" me dressed up and she had no interest in seeing me dressed. I immediately agreed.

I offered that we would only talk about if and when she is ready. Allowing her to guide what and how much we talk about crossdressing.

This conversation took place yesterday. This morning we went for a walk. Again I thought that we wouldn't talk about crossdressing, but was pleasantly surprised. She asked me to share the site addresses, so she could read and learn more about it, then proceeded to ask lots of questions. Some very practical and some quite personal.

The more interesting part was later in the walk she was offering suggestions for using make-up and tips for grooming.

Please do not misunderstand, she does not understand and still thinks it's kind of strange, but she is very accepting of me. She is willing to stand by me as I explore and experiment with my feminine side. We are still working out the details and will continue to do so.

This is far more than I ever could have hoped for.

My wife is an amazing lady. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

[Leona]

Nice. :) Looks like she's at least conditionally accepting it for now and wants to learn more on her own terms.

[TxKimberly]

Well good for you! Life is SO much nicer when you have someone to share with and you dont have to hide your things and yourself. I am SO glad that it went well for you. :)

[Marcia Blue]

I am glad things are going well. Keep the communication going and baby steps.

[DebbieL]

Congratulations on a successful revelation.

Women don't understand the desire of males to cross-dress and/or be transgendered. They generally feel more freedom to dress the entire range from very feminine to comfortable and practical to even a bit butch or masculine. Women often envy the power men seem to have, because they don't understand the background of violence and intimidation behind it.

Men often have the desire to cross-dress and be beautiful, partly because they don't have the experience of being vulnerable and threatened, especially by men with very bad manners. For many women, incest, molestation, or rape is a very real part of their history, and something they strive to avoid.

For many transgendered or cross-dressing men, the fantasy of someone else taking control and "raping" them is part of the fantasy of being female. Many cross-dressers even have fantasies of being forced to cross-dress and even be forced to sexually submit, usually to a strong and powerful woman. As a man who has been sexually attacked by a man, I am painfully aware that the fantasy of rape is nothing like the reality, the terror, and the anguish of actually being sexually attacked and fearing for your life. I was also sexually assaulted by a woman, twice, and each came with it's own form of terror and trauma. Fortunately, I was able to surrender to the fear and embrace the experience, even though it was not the intent of the attacker to give me pleasure. But I was able to do this because I was naturally submissive and under the more controlled environment of a B&D scene, with safe-words, limits, and boundaries, I would have been thrilled to have such an experience.

You wife is an amazing lady. I suspect she may have suspected something was up, and was terrified that you were either gay or having an affair. Now that she knows that it's only your desire to cross-dress, she will want to learn more about your experiences, what appeals to you, and eventually may even ask to see pictures of you in pretty mode. Once she realizes that you are different than a drag queen, and desire to present as much like a real woman as possible, she my even embrace that side of you.

This will also open up new dimensions in how you relate to each other. Before, she probably avoided talking fashion, make-up, and health and beauty tips, because she figured you wouldn't be interested. Now she has a chance to share with you her world of being a woman, things that she talks about with her closest friends. She may find that you become much closer friends than you ever thought possible.

This may also open up new dimensions for her as well. She may have wanted to take more control, in the marriage, in the bedroom, in the social arena, but always feared that doing so would threaten your masculinity. Now she knows that you can embrace your own femininity and will be less defensive of your own masculinity. You will be more open to letting her express her masculinity, dominance, intellect, and power, as a woman, as a partner, and as a friend.

Given the way your wife reacted, and the way you approached the reveal, I see a wonderful new relationship for both of you, one that will be more honest, more open, more trusting, with deeper friendship, partnership, and love, either of you have ever known before. It's nearly impossible to be truly open with someone when you know that you are keeping a secret you fear would destroy the relationship. By sharing and being open, both of you have opened the doors to new levels of intimacy and love.

Congratulations,

Love Deb

[Princess Grandpa]

I'm so happy for you. One fears all the worst. Your off to a great start. Continue cautiously. Don't o era helm her but move at her pace as you suggested. I hope you two live happily ever after!

Hug
Rita

[Jenniferathome]

… Please do not misunderstand, she does not understand and still thinks it's kind of strange, but she is very accepting of me....
My wife is an amazing lady. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

It is kind of strange! I'd say she has a good grip on things. Great news for you two, really. Your life will be brighter without the weight of hiding. Wives can amaze. Keep talking at her pace and you will be fine.


Nice. :) Looks like she's at least conditionally accepting it for now and wants to learn more on her own terms.

No Leona, she is "accepting." Degrees of acceptance are irrelevant. And I wager she loves her husband unconditionally. They can go together. Acceptance of one's cross dressing does not equal "do anything you want."

[Barbara Ella]

Good for you Amanda. Your situation was analyzed correctly, and you made the decision that was right for you and your wife. Right now she is in an accepting and learning mode. You are so very right not to push it. Let her advance and learn at her speed, and you can continue to cool your jets and bask in the glory of an accepting spouse. Know that this may change from week/month to week/month as she reads and learns more about the very diverse nature of our group. Accept her gift and treasure her presence.

I am so very happy for you both.

Barbara

[Barbra P]

I’d like to make a few suggestions. One is that if your Wife wants to read and learn from the site she needs to join the site and establish her own user-id – it is against forum rules for her to use your user-id. Once she has posted ten times she will be eligible to petition the F.A.B group for membership; the F.A.B. forum is for Females At Birth and it I forum where wives and significant others can converse; a place where she can ask questions from others who are dealing, or have dealt with, many of the questions that must be flooding her mind.

Have her register her user-id and then post on the Introductions and Re-Introductions forum. In her introduction she should introduce herself as the wife of a crossdresser and member of the forum. She can then post on the Male to Female Crossdressing forum and get answers from other crossdresser or she can post on the Loved Ones forum and address other spouses, family members, friends, etc. I’d recommend that she post in both forums in order to gain some knowledge from both the crossdressers perspective as well as those who love crossdressers.

In the two years that I have been a member here I have observed a number of wives who have joined seeking answers to their many questions. It has been my observation that all are treated with the utmost respect and many of the members are more than happy to answer their questions, even quite personal questions.

You might look into the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Peggy J Rudd Ph.D. The book can be purchased for approximately $12 in paperback or $8 in eBook format from either Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Read the book and I think you may then want to pass it on to your Wife to read.

Above all else be sure to reassure her that you are still the same man she fell in love with and that your love for her has not changed.

[Leona]

No Leona, she is "accepting." Degrees of acceptance are irrelevant. And I wager she loves her husband unconditionally. They can go together. Acceptance of one's cross dressing does not equal "do anything you want."

Um, I find degrees of acceptance to be relevant to the extent that I may be trying to understand something. I agree with your overall attitude that she is "accepting" because that's a good attitude for both of them to have right now.

I used the phrase "conditionally accepting" based on my own experiences where someone can accept something, but then must pursue knowledge on the subject before reaching full acceptance. Think of it like your physics teacher teaching you Newton's Laws of Motion, and then you have to go into the lab to prove them to yourself.

For what it's worth, when I was at that same place with my wife, I said she was "conditionally accepting pending further knowledge" and she objected to it on the same grounds that you are objecting to it. :)

[AmandaJean]

Thank you all for your kind words. They are deeply appreciated.

Jennifer, it was your letter to your wife which truly inspired me to move forward. Thank you for sharing.

Barbara, I would never think of having my wife use my user-id. One of the more important reasons being that she does not know the feminine name I use on this site. Like I said, baby steps. I will purchase the book, thank you for the recommendation.

I believe I have realistic expectations about this revelation. It will take some time for my wife to adjust and there will be times when we quarrel about this or other things in our marriage. The only hope is that this news has been shared and now we have a chance to work through it together (hopefully forever).

Just an aside, crossdressing is quite new to me. Sure over the years I may have tried on some women's clothing, just for fun, but I didn't think much about it at the time or even now. But earlier this year, I had some kind of inspiration(??) that I should just "go all the way" and dress up fully. It was fun, exciting and interesting. But even more it touched something deep inside that I did not realize was there. An opportunity to honor the feminine within.

My life had been turned upside down years ago by trust issues stemming from my ex-wife and a good friend having an affair. When we first considered getting married, I told my current wife that an affair was a deal breaker. I would find the tallest bridge or building and throw her off it if she had an affair (I know very brutish!). She agreed and told me it would be the same fate for me should I choose to stray.

So in effect I could not keep this from her. It had to be told, no matter what the consequences, because I just can not keep a secret from my wife. It's just not possible.

Is life perfect? Far from it, but we are now on the "same" road together. From there we can deal with the ups, downs, detours and breakdowns...

Again thank you for the support.

Hugs,
Amanda

[MysticLady]

…My wife is an amazing lady. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

Yes she is and yes you are. I'm very happy for you and hope this journey of yours gives you both peace of mind now, that you made that giant step of faith and started sharing this w/ your wife.:hugs:

[Renee]

Wonderful post Amanda. I am so glad that it is working out so much better than you thought that it would. One thing that I can say it that communication is certainly the key as it is with everything in a relationship. You said that your wife asked for 2 boundries. The 2 that you mentioned are ones that many wives set. I can tell you that setting boundries can be a tough thing to do for both parties. Talk with her about boundries and make sure that you let your side of each issue be heard as well as getting her take on them. Then come to a mutual agreement on any boundries you all set and realize that boundries arent made to fit todays feelings and then changed to fit tomorrows. After they are made make sure that you each follow them, or revisit them as either of you truely feel the need to. You must be sure that boundries are not set in stone, rather they are moveable and are not to be broken. My wife does not like to see me dressed very often, so we have the understanding that when she is away from the house for very long she will call on her way home to check in and let me know that she is on the way home. If I am dressed I will sometimes tell her thanks for calling and that I will be changed by the time she gets home. She has on ocassion told me not to bother that it is alright to be dressed when she gets home. What a wonderful surprise it is when she does that. I too have a wonderful wife. This is but one example of the boundries that we have mutually agreed upon. As others have said dont be surprised if your wife moves around in her thoughts on your dressing. After all she is a woman and women change their minds ( as do crossdressers, hehe). Again I know that you feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you. Enjoy your life as husband, father,and as a crossdresser. Be sure that you give her great husband time and continue to let her know that you love her and are thankful for her.

[Julie Denier]

Congrats! You are very lucky ;)

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi there. Big step! I bet you feel better. Take it slow. It's been about 6 months since I told my wife and in the last few months I stopped--partially to give her time to regroup mentally, and also because I enjoy lots of Summer activities with my kids and just didn't want to face questioning about shaved legs. I also thought it was starting to become a bit obsessive, so for the general health of my marriage and life I consciously decided to control it instead of it controlling me. So far so good, though I have told my wife that come Fall and cooler weather, I will dress again. She's OK with that, and happy to have her "normal" husband in the meantime.

I pushed some boundaries early on and almost screwed up a fairly accepting--if not enthusiastic--arrangement with my wife. I love her and my family more than dressing, so in my mind it's a fair compromise. Some members take a more drastic approach (this is who I am, take it or leave it) but my arrangement has worked for us. I'm sure you find what works for you two as long as you respect her, and realize compromise is key. Compromise doesn't mean capitulation, though. This is important to you and she should respect and compromise also.

Good luck!

[Bree Wagner]

Congratulations Amanda!




My wife is an amazing lady. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

You're right, so very right and I'm sure you'll let her know it. Good luck on the journey together. I hope this site and the resources you've directed her to can continue to help and support you.

All the best,
Bree

[Beverley Sims]

In the early stages of coming out it can be a novelty and all wine and roses.
This soon pales into insignificance eventually.
Watch for the changes in mood and proceed slowly.

[TeresaCD]

So in effect I could not keep this from her. It had to be told, no matter what the consequences, because I just can not keep a secret from my wife. It's just not possible.
Amanda

I know that well, Amanda.
Glad it went well.
Mine would tell you she's not over the moon about it, and would rather have her man.
But that's the same woman who told me a couple of weeks ago that she should have mad me do it years ago (quote)
I am apparently a much better person for it..

[Hannah W.]

Congratulations Amanda! I'm in pretty much the same place as you & am so relieved that my wife is comfortable with me CD. I'm planning on treadding very slowly over the coming weeks to allow her the time to get comfortable with the Idea (she also has no desire to see me as Hannah at this time, which I completely support & accept). Congratulations again, if you're like me you'll feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders!

Hannah

[JamieG]

That's wonderful Amanda! I love to hear stories of when coming out goes well. I have one additional piece of advice: don't be surprised if at times your wife's acceptance backslides. There's a thread with a name like "Now I like it, now I don't" that explains the phenomenon from a GG perspective -- it should be required reading. Over the ten years since I came out to my wife, we've had more than a few big arguments due to crossdressing. However, her trend over time has been to more positive acceptance. At first she didn't want to see it or talk about it. Now, we joke about it a few times a week and she's seen me fully dressed and even said that I "make a beautiful woman." Just remember to always communicate, and to do so with love and understanding.

Jamie