Unintentionally outed someone, albeit privately

[MsMargaret]

Today, I was in NYC, and Pridefest (http://www.nycpride.org/events) was in full bloom. I was in drab, intending to catch a couple films in the theater before seeing family. Once I got out of all the traffic, I made it to a parking spot well away from the event, and was walking to one theater. I'm passing by people on the street. I saw a short, attractive woman walking alone, wearing a pretty, red dress, coming towards me. As I got closer, I could see she was wearing a wig, and had a bit of beard shadow. I shouldn't have been, but I was a bit surprised, and it must've shown. It was right then that our eyes locked, and she saw that I realized her situation, and she got a little upset. I tried to look away, but the damage was done. It wasn't intentional!

It was just eye contact, and I almost considered walking up and apologizing, but that would have made things worse, since she was passing quite well otherwise (and far better than I ever could!). Instead, I just kept walking past her. The encounter was only a few seconds, at most.

I feel terrible about it, and when I was visiting family later, they noticed I felt distracted. What was I to do? What should I have done, besides not react how I did?

[Andy66]

Dont be so hard on yourself. You cant help being surprised sometimes. Maybe say nice outfit or something like that?

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi,

There is nothing really to do. I wouldn't even give it more thought. Your reactions were not based on anything negative, they were just reactions. For example, cats don't scare me, but if I saw one unexpectedly I may be startled. Nothing to feel bad about. You just had an honest reaction. I wouldn't over think it.

Cheers,

Kalista

[Beverley Sims]

Maybe she did not read you.
She may have assumed you were a woman that was observant.
Think of the shoe being on the other foot.
Haven't you felt uneasy about being clocked?

[Melissa Rose]

I think you are being more hard on yourself they you should. You were caught in an unguarded moment and it showed on your face. That is a very mild reaction especially compared to the range of possibilities. If she is going to be out in public, she has no choice but to get used to an occasional look and small reaction. Sure it sucks getting read, but it is going to happen.

[MsMargaret]

Think of the shoe being on the other foot.
Haven't you felt uneasy about being clocked?

Did I use drab wrong? I'm not sure - I meant to say I was dressed in male clothes, not undercover, as it were.

Thanks for the reassurance. I fret about everything. When I was younger, I worried so much that a friend's brother used to call me C-3P0.

[linda allen]

Even if you didn't mean to, once you made eye contact you could have said "good morning" or "good afternoon", whichever was appropriate and you could have made her day by adding "ma'am".

When we go out, we have to expect interaction with the public unless we just drive around with our windows rolled up. I know the few times I've been out people have spoken and I've had to return the greeting in my Michael Jackson sounding female voice.

[bridget thronton]

Smile at everyone - great way to make eye contact less threatening

[Sarah Doepner]

I wouldn't worry about it. If you had attempted to make it better at the time it could have become a problem, just smile your friendly smile and move along, nothing to see here.

[arbon]

How do you know she was upset? Maybe its all in your head.
Don't worry about it. Its not like you started screaming "she's a man!"

Being out in the world you get clocked and you get the looks. People either need to get used to it, or not leave their house.

[mikiSJ]

As others have said - 'don't beat yourself up over this'!

I try to make a point of smiling, nodding, saying 'Hi!' whenever I make eye contact with someone (dressed or in drab). I have only started to go out dressed myself, but when I see someone looking at me, if I have the chance, I smile and say "Hi!". It works!

[Stephanie47]

There is nothing you were suppose to do. If she was confident enough to be out, even on a celebrated day, then she surely would have known there was a risk involved. Would her perception of herself changed, if you nodded approvingly? If she was trying or believing she was not going to be "read," then maybe your eye contact with or without a nod would have given her a clue that she wasn't 100% passable. What would you have said?

Having grown up in NYC (left thirty plus years ago), back then most New Yorkers would not have said anything. It was that way. Out here, most people when making eye contact will nod, smile or say a small pleasantry.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

As others have said, don't beat up on yourself. It's water over the dam. She knew she was taking a calculated risk being out and probably all of us understand those risks. If anything she will hopefully learn from the experience. Maybe she's on these forums reading all that everyone has to say and will hopefully relax about it. I wonder if it's possible that us here can recognize the signs that enable us to detect another sister? I know I have been in places in drab and will unconsciously take a second look at a female wondering, "Hmm" because I too CD. Could that be the case? In any event she took the risks to be out and perhaps gave off a sign of self-consciousness presenting as female? Hopefully it may be a learning experience for her.

Cheryl Ann

[AllieSF]

I agree with Linda and Miki, just smile and if you have time say hello. Nothing to beat yourself up about. It happens all the time, like seeing Gorbechov with that big bird dropping on his forehead. How can you not notice it and even be surprised?

[Leona]

I feel terrible about it, and when I was visiting family later, they noticed I felt distracted. What was I to do? What should I have done, besides not react how I did?

I haven't gone out dressed yet, but one thing I am absolutely certain about to the center of my being, if a drab CD reads me, I want her to say so in a reasonably private way. Then I'm probably going to want to trade numbers and see if there might be a friendship possibility there.

I'm curious if any of the rest of you feel that way, too, to be honest.

[NathalieX66]

Ms Margaret,
Don't feel bad about your mistakes, they're really a learning experience. I went through that process too. We learn...we move on. We make it a better world.

I didn't go to the NYC Pride parade this year, but I was there last year, and I couldn't believe the amount of people. The spirit was overwhelming. I would like to go on record to say that I cannot believe the amount of support from average straight folks/couples/familes that were there.....it was surreal. ...and right.

That's the America I know........Peace and love to all.