Crossdressing makes for unhappy partners

[Melissacd63]

I was married twice and both marriages ended in divorce owing to my being a CD. So after my second marriage stranded I decided to stay alone, no more women for me.
Well I kept that promise to myself for 11 years and then I met a woman who I thought was different. We became friends, just that,nothing more. We met irregularly for a good chat and a glass of wine. Then one evening I was at her place and I felt a certain warmth and confidentiality and I told her about my being a CD. She reacted very relaxed, she had no problems with that and said tha she had always thought that I was a bit different than other men. Then one night I invited her for a dinner at a local restaurant. Well sudenly during the third course we looked at each other and we fell in love. We went home to my place and she stayed the night. Everything alright so far. She knew about my crossdressing and had accepted it , so everything was OK I thought. But gradually she began to get problems with my crossdressing, although we lived apart. Well, the story will now become familiar for most of you. Out of love for her I purged and thought that, because of our love for each other, my crossdressing days were over at last. Well, of course it wasn´t over and it came back as was to be expected. I didn´t tell her, but she caught me out and told me that she could no longer handle it and if I didn´t stop our relation would come to an end.
Well I purged and… started again. The other day she asked me if I was crossdressing again and I “confessed”. She started crying, said that she couldn´t bear the idea of me in lingerie, that she found the whole idea disgusting and ended our relationship, there and then after 7 years, while I know for certain that she loves me.
So here I am alone again. But I have decided to stand my ground this time because I am over 60 now and I want to be just myself these final years of my life. Although I am very sad about it and especially because she feels so unhappy and sad and is in tears, these words by Frank Sinatra go through my mind: “For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught”
The only thing I don´t understand is why she changed her attitude. When I asked her about it and said that I had told her about my Cding before we began a relationship, she said that the difference is that she didn´t love me at that time and now she did and that made the difference.
I wish I could understand. Enigma your name is woman.

This piece has become a bit longish, but thank you for listening to me.

Melissa

[RobynP]

The only thing I don´t understand is why she changed her attitude. When I asked her about it and said that I had told her about my Cding before we began a relationship, she said that the difference is that she didn´t love me at that time and now she did and that made the difference.

I wish I could understand. Enigma your name is woman.

Melissa,

Many women are okay with crossdressing as long as it isn't their husband or boyfriend. Women often have an idealized image of their husband or boyfriend and wearing a dress isn't part of that image.

Her attitude may not have CHANGED but rather developed as your relationship progressed.

It is good that you and her have discussed this in depth and that supressing the cding isn't working for you. Dating is all about finding common interests and things that are deal-breakers BEFORE getting married. This is obviously a deal-breaker for both of you.

There is just one four-letter word of advice I have for you:

NEXT...

Robyn P.

[cindybarnes]

Hi Melissa,
Its sad you may have lost someone you love because of being a CD.
Its also sad you may have lost 7 years of expressing your true self.
But whats not sad is that you are holding your ground as you say and are moving on, however painful recent events may be.
Things often happen for a reason ,,,,
Good luck and thanks for sharing your story

Cindy

[sarahsfiona GG]

Melissa,

I'm sooo sorry to hear about this latest breakup. I just can't understand it, truthfully. Why does it make a difference with some women that their men wear lingerie? Perhaps, if I'd been faced with something like this when I was younger, I might have reacted differently; I just don't know. But why it matters to her because she loves you now and didn't back then is beyond this gg's ability to reason. :confused:

Fiona :<3:

[TVStevie]

The only thing I don´t understand is why she changed her attitude. When I asked her about it and said that I had told her about my Cding before we began a relationship, she said that the difference is that she didn´t love me at that time and now she did and that made the difference.
Surely, if she loved YOU, the CDing wouldn't matter - IMHO, I'd say that she needs to examine what the word 'love' means.
Sorry to hear about your pain, Melissa, hope it works out for you in the end.

[melissacd]

Melissa,

I am sorry to hear what has happened to you, however, you are correct in stating that it is a common theme. Many women do not understand this and I suppose it is correct that many women are okay so long as it is not their man who is the dresser. Go figure.

I also agree that love should be just that. A person should not stop loving you because of this sort of thing and yet they do. It certainly makes me question how real love is for most of us. I have always believed that a person who truelly loves you should love you for all of who you are, but my experiences so far have been anything but that. I have found romantic love to be quite conditional.

I applaud you for standing your ground, many of us don't. I agree that you should not give up any of who you are for anyone else. You are who you are and you need to find someone who will love you for exactly who you are. Love should not mean that you have to give up who you are, otherwise it is not really love, it is just a passing fancy.

My 2 cents worth.

Huggs
Melissa Of The Great White North

[jennig]

hi iam so sorry this happend to you. I have gone throughbthe almost same thing as you marriage devorce all for the cd thing as theay like to say.
I have come to my own conclusion that most gg woman feel theay are loosing control with the cding theay feel like theay might not be good enough
and thats why we do it well if anybody figures out a gg please let me know i love them i wish i could find one that loves me for me and my passion for cding . but untill then i guess we all have each outher and thank god for that. I hope better days are ahead for you.

jennig

[Daphne Renee]

I am sorry to here about your breakup.. For some reason things you do when you start dating are different when you become serious. This is just a guess so take it as such.. Perhaps she is one of those people who thought she could "change" you. Its good that you stayed true to yourself though. Tooo many of us try to be different for someone else.
To me there are SO many worse things a guy could be than a CDer..Some people will never get that though.

[freshfrankie]

Dear Melissa

Your story started out so good but came to a sad ending like most of us gals experience. Crossdressers are not a popular group. Gay men don't like us(Just ask some) lesbian women are appauled, hetrosexual males want to beat us up and heterosexual women barely tolerate us. I've accepted that fact and at 55 (My wife of 25 years left 2 months ago) I'm loving life living alone and will continue to do so. Enjoy yourself and don't count on others to make you happy Mellissa. It never works.
I think of my theme song from "Hedwig and the angry inch". Wicked little town. A lovely ballad.These lyrics always hit home for me:


Forgive me for I did not know
I was just a boy and you were so much more

Only God could ever plan
More than a woman or a man
Now I understand
How much I took from you

And when every thing starts breaking down
You take the pieces off the ground
Show this wicked town something beautiful and new

You think that luck has left you there
Maybe there's nothing up in the sky but air

And there's no mystical desire
No cosmic lover preassigned
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found

And after all the changes you've been through
It seems the strangers always you
Alone again in some wicked little town

When you've got no other choice
You can't follow your voice
Alone again in some wicked little town
Our wicked...Little town.


It's a great soundtrack. I saw the play and it speaks to special people like us. Do what you love and love what you do. Have a great holiday and New Year. I spent my whole life protecting others from me at my own expense. At this point in my life I would rather have people dislike me for the man that I am, than like me for the man I am not. Big Hugs. We are not bad people,just differant.

Love
Jeannie

[Sarahgurl371]

Melissa,
Sorry about your break up, but I must say this... Do not beat yourself up over it! Just in case you might think about it. You told her prior to getting romantic, so when she fell in love, she feel in love with all of you. You did the right thing. I now that it is terrible to have to purge for the sake of our SOs love. I am sorry that you lost the time for yourself. I wish the best for you, and hope you find happiness and peace.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

melissa - i am so sorry to hear your three time story..

i am going through my breakup of a 14yr marriage, 2 wonderful kids and the day after xmas i'm out of the house..

i still have hopes(my therapist thinks they are unrealistic) but we have issues and crossdressing is a key part of it. i know we don't all agree, but i think the dressing is a very narcissistic and compulsive behavior..hear me out...we are not "narcissists" we are not "compulsive" we engage in behaviors that are narcissist and compulsive...we have to dress we want to look at ourselves, take pictures of ourselves, i've post videos of myself on this forum for crying out loud!!!! hey look at me!!! (by the way- if you havent seen them ..look them up in the picture gallery!!!!!! hehe)

anyway, i feel really really sad for my wife...now she has to deal with MY issue, which i didnt tell her about when we married...like i said, she is still not 100% decided and there is some hope, since we agreed to separate we have been much kinder and nicer to each other, but i'm very realistic that even if she wants me back, if i dress she may get upset and we're back to the same terrible cycle.. seeing your post highlights what a tough uphill battle i'm going to have...

i hope you hang in there and listen to ol blue eyes.. he's right

[kathy gg]

Melissa,

Sounds to me like you did the right thing you were upfront, but then you jsut made some promises which probably should never have been made. As I have said before, due to most womens lack of knowledge of 't' issues, they usualy think if he is not doing this then it is over. So, she might have really believed that you quit and that was the end of that.

Anyway, if she can't handle it, be glad that you did not continue to make promises that you can't keep. I am sure it was hard for her to end your relationship, but both of you deserve to be happy and fullfilled. It is a real shame she coudl nto find the silver lining...I find aceptance is almost like a magic wand....but now you must grieve and then move on.

Being honest to others and youself, probably does not feel great right now, but in time it will heal and you wil be glad you choose the high road.

[Helana]

Melissa

I am sorry to hear about your heartache.

If you had the chance to relive this time again I would have advised you not to have purged in the first place, she should have fallen in love with a crossdresser, not the "normal" man you were pretending to be. As Robyn said women want an idealized husband and you were living up to that part when you purged on her behalf. It would have been better if you had continued crossdressing throughout your dating period, at least this way she would either have adjusted to it and accepted you as a crossdresser or she could have broken off the relationship early if she really could not overcome her prejudices.

You must always be true to yourself even when in a relationship, and you must be true to your partner too. Please do not think you need to be alone there is still time to find a loving and accepting partner.

[Abby Lauren]

I couldn't agree more. Self-acceptance is the key. Once that happens, everything becomes possible and, without it, nothing ultimately works. My wife is unhappy with my being a CDer but I have learned (after many years) to accept myself. In turn, this has caused my wife to re-think her position. She is gradually learning to first tolerate and, hopefully, eventually accept who I am. It's not easy and I'm certainly not in any position to gloat or feel fully confident about the future but I feel better about myself than in any time in my life. And, a lot of the credit belongs to my sisters here and elsewhere on the internet for all their support.

[kittypw GG]

Melissa,
Perhaps the problem is that most cd's have not gained a balance in there lives where crossdressing is concerned. It seems to be all consuming and a bit irrational. I know first hand my husband crossdresses. We are also on the brink of divorce because crossdressing consumed my life. I married a man (I knew about the crossdressing when we married) who I thought I could have a 50/50 relationship with but he actually stole my identity. I was willing to share my feminine role but not give it up!!!!!! All of our spare time was spent wrapped up in crossdressing and little by little I began to disapear. Nothing else mattered. I have currently stopped my involvement in crossdressing until such a time that my husband will listen to my needs and return back what I so willing give. After all I am a genetic women and just putting on a dress and some makeup does not make soemone a girl. I don't try to be a boy nor do I claim that I could really understand the expirence of having testicles or dealing with preasures unique to boys. We as wives just want what you as husbands are asking us to give. I don't mind playing dressup with my husband but I do expect that he will be a man at least 50% of the time. I love the hair, the big arms and all of the other stuff that makes him a man.

[LisaRaye]

I was married twice and both marriages ended in divorce owing to my being a CD. So after my second marriage stranded I decided to stay alone, no more women for me.
Well I kept that promise to myself for 11 years and then I met a woman who I thought was different. We became friends, just that,nothing more. We met irregularly for a good chat and a glass of wine. Then one evening I was at her place and I felt a certain warmth and confidentiality and I told her about my being a CD. She reacted very relaxed, she had no problems with that and said tha she had always thought that I was a bit different than other men. Then one night I invited her for a dinner at a local restaurant. Well sudenly during the third course we looked at each other and we fell in love. We went home to my place and she stayed the night. Everything alright so far. She knew about my crossdressing and had accepted it , so everything was OK I thought. But gradually she began to get problems with my crossdressing, although we lived apart. Well, the story will now become familiar for most of you. Out of love for her I purged and thought that, because of our love for each other, my crossdressing days were over at last. Well, of course it wasn´t over and it came back as was to be expected. I didn´t tell her, but she caught me out and told me that she could no longer handle it and if I didn´t stop our relation would come to an end.
Well I purged and… started again. The other day she asked me if I was crossdressing again and I “confessed”. She started crying, said that she couldn´t bear the idea of me in lingerie, that she found the whole idea disgusting and ended our relationship, there and then after 7 years, while I know for certain that she loves me.
So here I am alone again. But I have decided to stand my ground this time because I am over 60 now and I want to be just myself these final years of my life. Although I am very sad about it and especially because she feels so unhappy and sad and is in tears, these words by Frank Sinatra go through my mind: “For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught”
The only thing I don´t understand is why she changed her attitude. When I asked her about it and said that I had told her about my Cding before we began a relationship, she said that the difference is that she didn´t love me at that time and now she did and that made the difference.
I wish I could understand. Enigma your name is woman.

This piece has become a bit longish, but thank you for listening to me.

Melissa
I am so sorry for you melissa it maybe on the late side but it take a special kind of female mate to understand you as a person. Not for nothing they are far in between. Me and my girlfriend have been together on and off for 15yrs and no matter what she never held that against me at first maybe but she realize that was me and she excepted me for who I was even though it was a sometime thing and to this day she has my back 110% she like me better as a woman than a man. matter of fact she give me a pedicure tonite, she takes all my pictures she is bless and I can not replace her no matter I hard I try. every relationship I had in between do not work so well they all wanted me to quit cding but I would not. It went from a sometime thing to right now just about everyday and thats how I like it. All I am saying that person have to be special. God Bless you Melissa

[paulaN]

sorry to here about your break up. she knew going into your relationship and now it's not ok. I don't get it. When you figure out GG's drop me a line will ya.

[Melissacd63]

sorry to here about your break up. she knew going into your relationship and now it's not ok. I don't get it. When you figure out GG's drop me a line will ya.

Thank you all for your heartwarming support. I´ve been thinking and have come to the conclusion that my girl-friend (we had no intention of getting married or going to live together because we are too diiferent in other things) is just jealous of this other woman. She can´t fight this rival because that other woman in my life is me as well.

But once again thank you all, it sure helps knowing your not alone in this difficult time.

Melissa

[Melissacd63]

[quote=kittypw]Melissa,
Perhaps the problem is that most cd's have not gained a balance in there lives where crossdressing is concerned. It seems to be all consuming and a bit irrational. I know first hand my husband crossdresses. quote]

Thank you for your reaction Kitty. I for one had certainly found a balance. You see, I´m retired and live in my own house while my girl-friend still works. So, I only crossdressed in the hours she was at work and never in the evenings or in the weekends or on other days she was off work. So I think I was very considerate and my Cd thing was certainly not all consuming. I was always there when she needed me. Still it was not enough.

Melissa

[sterling12]

Mellisa:

I too am sorry to hear about your breakup. However, I'll throw in a little logic here. You had 7 good years together and a lot of marriages don't even make it that far. Ultimately, you gave it your best shot and it didn't work out. She said she accepted The CD you. In reality what that now means is that she can no longer love the person you really are. We read in here time and time again how we just can't give this up. I would think that if she really loved you....wouldn't want you to give it up! It would be like "stealing your soul".

I remember a little piece of doggerel from somewhere: "He fell out of love with her, because she changed." "She fell out of love with him, because she couldn't make him into the man she thought he ought to be!" Isn't that apropos for this situation?

My humble opinion. Move on to the next chapter in you life. If your like most of us, you may have spent your whole life pleasing others and living up to their expectations. Isn't it about time you started to care about yourself? And, I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about that. You have infinite worth, time to spend a little bit of the account.

Love, Joanie

[Lulie GG]

There are many partners on here who are happy with cding.

Me well I'm not sure about it all but willing to keep trying as long as it is a joint effort.

"If she loved me enough she would understand" "If he loved me enough he would give it up"

I don't think there is an easy answer what suits one couple would not suit another that why the whole accepting thing is so complex.

Situations change over the years in relationships and possiby therefore what was acceptable once isn't anymore.

I had the chance to walk out on my marriage this year when I found my hubby was dressing but here I am loving him more than ever after 18 odd years even though I am not totally accepting.

Love

Lulie