I found my SO in my dress...

[otter]

I am not handling this very well.

I came back home unannounced and he was in my dress. I dont have anything against folks who choose to crossdress-I think many of the pictures here are actually quite adorable and sweet even...

But I have severe trust issues due to having a fairly chaotic childhood and being around male predators and I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?

It also places a very strange, stress inducing dynamic on the relationship via shifts in sexual dynamics. I am by nature a fairly feminine women, but have learned to be strong willed, obstinate, tenacious and fight to do the very best for my children as a single mom. In some ways this almost gives me a masculine air, with folks even saying I am dominant and bullheaded at times. However I dont enjoy this role-it is simply what i was forced to become in order to survive. I already quell much of my emotional responses in order to control the world around me and find security, but it is emotionally exhausting.

Thus what I would seek in a relationship is someone stronger than me, who could allow me to relax and be more emotional and feminine in contrast to their more masculine persona. Admitting to my own kink, I could easily fall into the role of a sub with the right partner, just to be able to let someone else take control for awhile.

In this relationship, I was already strained as my partner is very clingy and emotional and very feminine in his affection, so I already feel as though I must be the strong one. He tends to be passive and nonactive, so I end up having to be the active driving force much of the time to get things done in our lives. Even his mannerisms are feminine to the point of others having made fun of him as being gay in the past.

In addition he suffers from psychological impotence, something I knew about from very early on in our relationship, so I have tried to be extremely supportive and accepting about...even though at times I feel like he is more attracted to me as a comfort object than a real person-I already felt a bit like I was mother figure or stuffed cuddle bear or blanket he clings to for comfort. My apologies for the graphicness, but often he maintains an erection while rubbing up against me, but loses it when he penetrates me...leaving me feel as though I am unattractive.

I do love him, but this really kind of pushed the strange dynamics over the top...it really grosses me out that he was wearing my dress and likely masterbating on it...it's mine, not his, and it isnt me, its just an object, but is an object I would wear later not knowing what he had done....

I would think he might be gay but he is a bit homophobic to be honest...

This has just messed with my head a great deal...I asked him very early on if he had odd fetishes or other things that would help him past his impotence and he could have shared this then...I would have thought it odd, but it may not have been a deal breaker...

I am moving out now as I need time alone to try and figure this out...

Do these feelings of yuckiness and betrayal ever pass?

[Lorileah]

I am not handling this very well. Let us help. But warning you are getting the CD side in this forum. You will get support and you will get some who will be more supportive of your SO

I dont have anything against folks who choose to crossdress-I think many of the pictures here are actually quite adorable and sweet even... Ah...no one ever called my photos sweet before thanks :)

I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?
Many here will understand your issue. The GGs especially. It hurts (I know trust me) when you start thinking about all the rest you may not know, what other secrets will you find. Even if there are none, the seed is planted and you have to tend that. Many here will not see your fear. They will tell you it is nothing to be concerned about. That it isn't about "you". But it is, it is about YOUR relationship. He has violated a trust (I call it equity) in your relationship. It takes time to work through that and understand why he did that. He may not even know (thus the lame "I was getting closer to you" line...really? You want closer, try taking care of the kids all day, getting the house ready and dinner and then having someone come home and want ...uh more.....then he would feel "close" Sorry, had to rant on that statement, one of the most lame excuses I think I have seen here).


It also places a very strange, stress inducing dynamic on the relationship via shifts in sexual dynamics. You have hit a key there. It changes the "dynamics". Relationships have dynamics, they have patterns. When a partner changes those it upsets the whole balance. It messes up the world you thought existed.


Thus what I would seek in a relationship is someone stronger than me, who could allow me to relax and be more emotional and feminine in contrast to their more masculine persona. understood. BUT you have to realize that he can have the same desire and perspective. In an ideal relationship you would beable to nurture each other in this manner. (see he gets a little support here)
Admitting to my own kink, I could easily fall into the role of a sub with the right partner, just to be able to let someone else take control for awhile. We should talk :) I think you may have the wrong idea on that. Subs are often the ones IN control. There is also a difference between being submissive sexually and being subservient, but that is not for here.


In this relationship, I was already strained as my partner is very clingy and emotional and very feminine in his affection, so I already feel as though I must be the strong one. You tried to fill a gender role as you thought it should be. Again, in an ideal situation you would have shared that. He placed his desires above yours and you played along, You don't HAVE to be the strong one...You should be equal (pattern here). What you describe following is basically showing a person who has issues of their own. He needs to work on these as you work on what you know now.

I do love him, That is what I like to hear. So many here say their spouse doesn't love them because of the gender issues. But it isn't love that goes away. It is the foundation of that love when this type of thing is kept secret. And you can make someone love you less if you are not honest and upfront with them.
it really grosses me out that he was wearing my dress and likely masterbating on it...it's mine, not his, and it isnt me, its just an object, but is an object I would wear later not knowing what he had done.... You need to discuss this with him and you are absolutely correct


I would think he might be gay but he is a bit homophobic to be honest... Let me give you some comfort MOST CDs are not gay.


This has just messed with my head a great deal...I asked him very early on if he had odd fetishes or other things that would help him past his impotence and he could have shared this then...I would have thought it odd, but it may not have been a deal breaker... You are new here but you will find if you read a bit, your feelings are not unusual and there are several of us here to espouse exactly what you are saying...tell early...let your partner choose if they want to pursue it.


I am moving out now as I need time alone to try and figure this out... and if I can say one thing here, stay with US. Get 10 posts join the FAB forum. Talk to us,. Let "us" help where we can. Yes take some space if that is what you need., but don't give up ...yet


Do these feelings of yuckiness and betrayal ever pass? Yes they will, they will be replaced by confusion, feeling responsible, anger, and then hopefully resolution.

Anyway, you started on the right path here. You have opened up and you will get some good and maybe not so good advice.It will be a roller coaster but get the 10 posts, join the FAB forum and loved ones areas. You have a lot of compassion here waiting and a lot of people who are willing to help

[Kate Simmons]

I think maybe the two of you should talk and determine if he knows who he is, what his feelings are and what he really wants. Only by truly knowing himself can those questions be answered. It sounds to me like you know who you are Hon and what you want. Seems to me the next move is up to him. Good luck.:)

[Beverley Sims]

I can appreciate the sick feeling you have, if you still have it after talking about it and your partner leaves you with low expectations, you are probably not suited anyway.
Think what brought you together in the first place, your partner has a soft and caring side for sure and maybe you are looking for a more aggressive he man that has less thought for the female side of a partnership.

It is a decision you will have to make, remembering that the grass is not always greener on the other side and what can someone else provide in your relationship that your present relationship lacks.

[RebeccaLynne]

Otter, firstly, welcome. If I may make a suggestion, get ten posts in, and apply for membership in the FAB (Female At Birth) Forum. I've never viewed it, as I'm a crossdressing male precluded from doing so... but I understand it to be a safe haven for those women whose lives have been dramatically altered by a CD'ing partner.

Secondly, pay close attention to Lorileah's reply. She's a moderator here, and has lots of good advice.

Realize...your SO is a crossdresser. TBS, I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion. The question now is, where do you go from here?

Based on your sole post as of today, I can absolutely ascertain that you're an eloquent and intelligent woman. Your writing speaks for itself. You'll need to marshal all of your resources in order to reach some sort of understanding as to what effect his crossdressing has on your relationship.

Lastly... wearing your dress without your permission is just wrong. He has a lot to learn. :straightface:

[Eryn]

Speaking from the perspective of a CDer who has been in your spouse's position:

I also wore my wife's clothes a few times without her permission. I felt quite a lot of guilt and shame for doing so but something irresistible drove me to do it. I was always very careful that I did not damage them in any way and put them back exactly the way I found them. It is very unlikely that your SO was doing anything that would have soiled or otherwise harmed your dress. That dress was likely tried on by others before you bought it, yet you likely haven't given that the slightest thought. The fact that others have worn the dress isn't really the issue, it's your boyfriend's wearing a dress that is the real concern.

After we had "the talk," my wife gave me permission to wear her things any time I wish. She also has the run of my closet. We do occasionally wear each other's things but usually we stick to items that we selected for ourselves. So, one possible solution to your immediate issue is to take your boyfriend shopping.

Going beyond this, you seem to want a dominant partner while your boyfriend is more submissive. You have trust issues and your boyfriend has trustworthiness issues. You aren't happy with his sexual performance. This does not sound like a very good match. If you haven't yet invested much in the relationship it might be better for both of you to move on before it causes both of you more pain.

Sorry if this feels harsh, but the fact is that a lot of people say that they love their SOs, and over half of marriages end in divorce. Don't make the mistake of being in love with being in love.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Hi, Otter, welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some peace here.

Regarding the line of 'it brings you closer to him' - my mom has passed, but when I put on a really classy outfit, and nice heels, somehow I feel very close to my mom. It's not the same, I know, but maybe it does help him.

But he needs to know - when we get around to writing the CD Rulebook, one of the rules on the first page will be "Don't wear her stuff without her permission!!!"

I hope you can relearn to trust him again. Take some small risks with him - risks you can afford to lose - and if he does the right things, it might help you feel safe taking some bigger risks.

I don't know how this fits in, but I'll bet he would be thrilled if you said you wanted to go shopping with him - although sometimes that scares us CDs, too...

Good luck!

Deedee

[Jenniferathome]

... I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?

Otter, I think you are actually handling it well. Rather than head for the hills, you came here. That's pretty good. Of course, the cross dresser to female ratio is heavily slanted in the CD favor, you will get a variety of inputs. I think your reaction that I quoted is exactly what many women feel. He really blew it by making up a story. Maybe he thinks he's fast on his feet. Embarrassment can cause stupidity. At this point, all you can do is have a sit down and talk if you are up for it. You owe him nothing but one conversation can't hurt.

[jayme357]

Run, quickly. I see no basis upon which to build a loving relationship. You have a vision of what makes a strong, supportive, mutual relationship and "this ain't it".

[Barbara Ella]

Welcome to the forum Otter. i am so sorry you had to be introduced to us like this, but it is what it is. I hope you will continue to educate yourself about crossdressing, and what it is and isn't. Dear, you need to take all the time you need to pull your thoughts together on this. Please don't cut him off from you during this period, as he is definitely feeling very bad about this, I would hope. He does need to learn how to express himself, and probably begin to come to terms with himself and begin to accept it. Wearing your clothes does not bring you two closer. A mutual understanding and acceptance of who/what he is, and your willingness to accept his activities is what will bring you two closer.

But, not everyone can get closer with this, and you should not feel guilty if you just cannot accept this behavior. It likely will not go away. You need not accept his wearing of your clothes though, put your foot down on that. But if you are willing, you might inquire if he needs a new outfit.

You are a strong person and he has used up all his trust, or equity, in your relationship. It is up to him to begin to restore this, not yours. He needs to be a responsible partner now. Some can never quite get there. I wish you two the best.

Please hang around and get your posts up and join FAB. The GG here a wonderful diverse group who will help immensely with discussion.

Oh, and by the way Lori, Otter was most definitely talking about my picture.......lol

Babara

[Greenie]

Welcome dear!

Maybe some feminine perspective will help you. :) I too had a couple similar reactions and situations to this. First and foremost, get 10 posts on the forum. Then you can message people in private and we can talk in more detail. Some of the graphic sex stuff is not allowed within the forum, so I feel like sex might not be adequately reached for you outside of forums as much.

I am still in the storm of dealing with this. There is a post written by a GG (genetic girl) who used to post here often and I feel that this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t) describes how it feels pretty well. Mind you. You are in the denial/anger phase it sound like.

Wearing your clothes is NOT okay. But CDing for them starts young most of the time. Most CDers have a story of stealing, sisters, aunts or mothers clothes/shoes/panties as a little kid. They started this by "borrowing" clothes, and they do it because the level of acceptance of them having their own is "taboo". Its uncomfortable and you want to know EVERYTHING they have worn and for what purpose. My advice, now that you know is to drop it. Establish that borrowing your clothes from here on out is unacceptable. Maybe you go but some together, or he buys something alone. But he needs his own stuff. Your knee jerk reaction to him stealing your clothes, might change in the future, but not for now. But Remember, knowing more about what clothing items he masturbated in will not give you peace. It might just freak you out so much more. First thing I did was take Luca shopping and buy some panties on his own.

His first response was also, something along the lines of.... Well they were yours and I wanted to be closer to you. We have discussed this a thousand times. He feels bad for lying, but it was what immediately came out. I called him on that in the moment and then we had a good discussion about panties and what they meant to him. When they hide something for this long, its hard to be forthright when asked a direct question. In his mind he is in panic mode and saying whatever he thinks will hurt you the least/ also not divulge his secret he has hidden for years.

I too am a very strong woman. I am a go getter and an independent woman. I am well educated, well spoken and bullheaded at times. I too find masculine men very attractive and want a dominant man. I spend my whole day being the one in control. When I get home I like for that to stop. This was not exactly the case with my SO either. He has always been more feminine, always more soft-spoken.

Its hard but this kind of thing is a lot easier to figure out TOGETHER. Addressing what your needs are before moving on is important. You both need to be able to meet each others needs physically and emotionally without completely compromising parts of yourself. I think this might be hard to figure out apart. But if you have that opportunity, I think that you cannot be 100% into any relationship until you are 100% content on how you feel about yourself. This alone time can help you establish what your limits are, what you expect out of a relationship and how to move on from this. But if you intend on staying a couple, you will never know what your boundaries and limits really are until you come home from work and he is sitting there dressed up. He is happy as a clam, but without proper communication before this moment you could come in and have the same reaction.

Good luck. This forum is very helpful. It has helped me wonders and I stick around for good conversation, making good friends, and to help other girls who are in the same spots I am in or have been in.

[Leona]

Run, quickly. I see no basis upon which to build a loving relationship. You have a vision of what makes a strong, supportive, mutual relationship and "this ain't it".

QFT.

Although I do agree with these other posters that you should get your 10 posts and talk to the GGs, PM people, etc. But if this is your first time encountering the world of crossdressers, there's a few things you ought to be absolutely certain you're aware of:

* It's not always a sexual thing. He may have never masturbated in your clothes, don't let the stereotypes scare you into believing that.

* It's not always a submissive thing. I'd use myself as an example. I can get downright dominant when I'm dressed up. I'm already somewhat headstrong and independent when not dressed up, and it only gets worse when I dress. To me, feeling feminine isn't about submitting or being subservient. I don't think those are inherently female traits (in fact, it took me years of fighting the sexism I was raised with before I could finally see the feminine part of me and not feel repulsed by it purely on the basis that I can't be submissive and/or subservient)

* You're obviously aware that being a crossdresser doesn't mean a person is gay. For me, it's quite the opposite. I'm a tad bi when in boy mode, but once I get dressed up, I only want to be with a woman, and my wife really appreciates that. :)

* The stereotypes that are there are true for a small portion of the CD population. Just look at craigslist personals to see that. The world of crossdressers is vast and diverse and you will find things present that will boggle you, tickle you, and make you proud to be a woman, but only if you keep your mind open.

* It's entirely possible that the reason the more submissive dynamic is in your relationship is because he's been suppressing and hiding the crossdressing. When it comes out into the open and he has room to explore his feminine side, your relationship will change, and there is a chance it will move in the direction you want it to go.

As far as your relationship is concerned, do keep in mind that society in general is downright emotionally abusive to crossdressers, so he will respond like a victim until he learns to become a survivor and fight back. I'm thinking maybe it would be good for both of you to read up on abuse in general, and emotional abuse in particular. You've both suffered it, based on your post, and whatever happens next in your relationship, you will both be better prepared to deal with it and your lives (should you split up) if you take some time now to learn about it. A therapist wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Anyway, there will be more lies, more than likely, and it will be because he is defensive and feels somewhat trapped in a corner. These lies are relatively easy to forgive when you understand that you are also somewhat responsible (whether unintentional or not) for him being in this situation. Since you described him as homophobic, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest he really hates that he's a crossdresser and has serious issues over it.

For you, you are in the 5 stages of grief because the person he was no longer exists and you do have to grieve it somewhat. Lorileah already described those stages to you, but you're welcome to do more research. :)

[mikiSJ]

Welcome otter


But I have severe trust issues due to having a fairly chaotic childhood and being around male predators

I can't guarantee that your SO is not a predator, but it is EXTREMELY unlikely given the dynamics of cross-dressing and gender.


and I am left wondering what else I dont know...

...ask him! You'll need to have this conversation sooner than later.

[Annette Todd]

Otter,
I would agree with much that has already been said. His lie is most likely not meant to be a lie. He probably feels guilty about wanting to wear feminine things and when you caught him he was probably in a panic. That extreme emotion tends to shut down the thinking brain. He said the first thing that came to mind hoping it would be something that you would forgive him for. It's kind of like catching a child doing something they shouldn't be. The responses can be pretty cheesy. As a child, were you never caught doing something out of bounds? Maybe you can remember that feeling and the urge to tell a tall tale can be overwhelming rather than owning up to the truth.
I rarely post anymore but I felt compelled to answer yours. What concerns me more and I think you as well is his "psychological impotence" as you put it. It is obvious to me that he is strongly attracted to you. Reading between the lines I suspect there is some abuse in his past that scarred him deeply. He may not be able to remember that because those are the types of things that get so deeply repressed that the memories are hidden so completely he is not able to recall them. Or, it may be he is just too ashamed of those things in his past to have told you.
Communication is the key to the direction of your futures. I understand you wanting to isolate and insulate yourself, but that is not going to resolve anything. I urge you to have a come to Jesus meeting with him. If you can't talk you may as well throw in the towel now.

I am also a cd but I hope you don't feel I am any less sincere or more biased.

I wish you well dear one!

Annette

[heatherdress]

Otter - Sorry to read your post. Seems like there are a lot of red flags for you. In addition to an honesty issue, you identified these mannerisms and behaviors that you don't like:
-he is very clingy, emotional and very feminine
- he has feminine mannerisms that others make fun of
- he displays psychological impotence
- he has sexual issues
- he forces you to be a mother figure
- he makes you feel unattractive

Those are pretty heavy - beyond crossdressing. You say you really love him. I think you have to ask yourself if you really do and if you are really in a healthy relationship. It is good that you are taking some time to evaluate your discovery and your relationship. Get some help, talk to a therapist. Do what is best for you as well as for him. Good luck.

[stephNE]

Hi Otter,
I think you have already gotten a lot of good advice. But the best in all this is for you to talk with him Be honest, open, share feelings, and encourage him to do the same. I expect (and hope) he loves you as much as you love him. He may have kept this from you because he felt some embarrassment. My best wishes, good luck and please keep us posted.

[Tracii G]

Welcome Otter I think you made a wise move coming here for support and information.
Get ten posts in and join the female at birth section (FAB) those ladies can help you out.
Again most CD's are heterosexual and being a CD does not mean they are sexual predators or perverts.What you read other places online I can see why people think that but it isn't true.
We are normal everyday people just like you.

[Beth-Lock]

In addition he suffers from psychological impotence, something I knew about from very early on in our relationship, so I have tried to be extremely supportive and accepting about...even though at times I feel like he is more attracted to me as a comfort object than a real person-I already felt a bit like I was mother figure or stuffed cuddle bear or blanket he clings to for comfort. My apologies for the graphicness, but often he maintains an erection while rubbing up against me, but loses it when he penetrates me...leaving me feel as though I am unattractive.


This could mean a lot of things, or nothing in particular, but combined with a lot of the other things, I doubt that his being a CD is a stable state, but instead it may just be a stage on the way to being transsexual, eventually leading to living as a woman, more and more, and then sex change surgery. That of course is only my guess. If you ask him, he may not be capable of giving you the real answer, since he may be unaware he is heading all the way, if he is.

Hugs, from a transsexual who started as a CD and with role reversal fantasies.
Sincerely, Beth

[RADER]

Welcome Otter;
All the great advice here i am afraid might not be seen.
By now she would have at least one commit.
I hope she returns, It would do her well to read what some
have posted here.
Rader

[Erica2Sweet]

Otter - Sorry to read your post. Seems like there are a lot of red flags for you. In addition to an honesty issue, you identified these mannerisms and behaviors that you don't like:
-he is very clingy, emotional and very feminine
- he has feminine mannerisms that others make fun of
- he displays psychological impotence
- he has sexual issues
- he forces you to be a mother figure
- he makes you feel unattractive

Those are pretty heavy - beyond crossdressing. You say you really love him. I think you have to ask yourself if you really do and if you are really in a healthy relationship...

EXACTLY what I was thinking after I read the OP a couple times through.

Otter, you mentioned that you love him but there's nothing at all in your post regarding any qualities he possesses that lead to your feeling that way toward him. Upon reading your OP, he seems to be completely the opposite of what you say you want in a man.

Greenie's post is chock full of good advise for wading in and starting to repair some of what you feel is not right in your relationship, but one has to ask right from the start: Is he who you want in terms of a life partner?

If it were me in your situation, I'd likely try and answer that question first, before worrying about any of the crossdressing-related stuff that you wrote about.

[MysticLady]

Do these feelings of yuckiness and betrayal ever pass?

Nope, and they never will until you change your state of mind. But, since you are dominant as you say, then this will be very difficult for you. I suspect that this man is a boyfriend. Imagine, if he was your husband, then what? I understand some folks have had trauma's in their past and sometimes things cause us too become fluid more so to one essence than another, just like in your case. You accept it in your case but, decline it in his case. Double Standards? This may not be a relationship for you if you are struggling w/ it already. Based on your story, you may be better off alone instead of bringing more emotional nightmares upon yourself w/ this of your boyfriend. Clear your head and take time to think about this before moving forward. I wish you the Best. :hugs:

[giuseppina]

Welcome to the forum, Otter.


I am not handling this very well.

I came back home unannounced and he was in my dress. I dont have anything against folks who choose to crossdress-I think many of the pictures here are actually quite adorable and sweet even...

The TaDa method is not the ideal method of disclosure. I'm sorry it happened to you.


...But I have severe trust issues due to having a fairly chaotic childhood and being around male predators and I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?

I have PTSD from a lifetime of bullying and have some trust issues as a result. Dressing is an escape for me. My psychiatrist tells me trust is a big issue for people with abuse in their history, especially in childhood.

I respectfully disagree with your statement in bold being a lie. This is what I would tell a GF if she decorated my face or nails, or asked me to wear some ladies' clothing. I saw a piece in a magazine marketed to women about a husband packing his dressing gown when she went on a business trip so she could wrap him around herself. I found this touching; please allow us the same pleasure.

You can ignore this if you want, but I get the feeling you're still quite affected by your childhood. It doesn't have to be this way, even if it is troubled as yours was. His psychological impotence often indicates an underlying mental health issue. I'm wondering if both of you would benefit from some individual and joint counselling with a licensed mental health professional(s). Your family doctor is an excellent person to obtain a referral from. This will not be easy for you. I've been through it and it is difficult but worthwhile.

You are handling this better than a lot of people. There are quite a few ladies that would just head for the hills and not bother to investigate. By coming here and asking questions and investigating as you see fit, you have shown a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for. Your husband will thank you for this. There are a few idiots among us, but most of us would give anything for a tolerant or accepting spouse.

Some couples incorporate crossdressing into their relationship. In others, the lady doesn't want to see it or know about it. We call this Don't Ask, Don't Tell. In still others, the relationship fails with crossdressing used as a convenient scapegoat, but in reality, there are usually other underlying issues at play. I'm afraid your relationship is not an exception from this rule of thumb.

To put it bluntly, breaking down the societal conditioning, stereotypes and stigma associated with male-to-female crossdressing is a large part of acceptance. Crossdressing, in and of itself, is extremely harmless. It's how it's dealt with that causes conflicts.

You don't have to accept the crossdressing. It is not for everyone. Greenie posted the Now I Like It Now I Don't thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t) which may help you deal with this.

And lastly, get yourself qualified for admission to the genetic ladies' forum. I'm told there is plenty of support there both from accepting and non-accepting ladies. It would also help if your husband opened an account here. We'll make it very plain wearing your clothes without your permission is verboten. ;)

[Jenniferathome]

...I respectfully disagree with your statement in bold being a lie. This is what I would tell a GF if she decorated my face or nails, or asked me to wear some ladies' clothing. I saw a piece in a magazine marketed to women about a husband packing his dressing gown when she went on a business trip so she could wrap him around herself. I found this touching; please allow us the same pleasure....

WTF? The woman walked in on her man in a dress! That's not bonding. It's being busted and he lied, without question. This woman is not ask him to wear it. By the way, was that magazine from the 1800's? A dressing gown? Really? No, men do not do that. Come on.

[Leona]

Jenniferathome: When my then-fiance (now wife) had a period of physical separation, she nabbed one of my dirty t-shirts and put it on a pillow so she could cuddle with something that smelled like me.

[MysticLady]

No, men do not do that. Come on.

Jennifer, if a woman wears a shirt just to smell the cologne of her man, then why would it be different for a man to wear a piece of clothing to remind him of his woman? I would if I were away as I am now, Though her perfumes give me allergies sometimes:heehee:.

[Lorileah]

Jennifer, if a woman wears a shirt just to smell the cologne of her man, then why would it be different for a man to wear a piece of clothing to remind him of his woman? I would if I were away as I am now, Though her perfumes give me allergies sometimes:heehee:.

Yeah we will buy that but I guess we assumed the dress was clean when he wore it and she wasn't gone all that long and I am sure there was SOMETHING he could have just cuddled and not put on...but OK you found the silver lining.

Now anyone need a bridge?

[docrobbysherry]

U asked one simple question, Otter. And, you've started a firestorm of conjecture, self examination, and LOTS of personal opinions! Have u read all the previous posts? Have ANY of them helped u answer any of your asked and unasked questions!?

I hope so, but sincerely doubt it!

I don't know u well enuff from your one post and negligible profile info to be able to suggest much helpful info. And, I know even LESS about your CD BF. So, here's my contribution to the aimless firestorm of this thread.:straightface:

Yes, I dress. Yes, I was married to a GG who sounds similar to u.

What we did when we had issues was this: Stayed up as late as it took to talk :Angry3: thru ALL the crap, get to the key issue(s), come to a workable compromise, and truly make up before going to sleep!:D
We stopped doing that and our marriage ended soon after. If u can't do that with him, in my opinion your relationship is never going to blossom.

If u have specific questions that may help u, please ask them! As u can see by the posts, we WANT to help.:hugs:

If u can't focus and explain your situation better, our answers my be similar to this answer to the one question u DID ask:

Yes
No
or Maybe

[MissTee]

Sad, but Otter hasn't came back yet. No doubt a lot to deal with and process. All the best to you, dear.

[Eryn]

(Moderator Hat On)

Folks, some reminders:

1. Be nice, both to Otter and to other members
2. Stay on topic.
3. Otter may well have looked in without logging in. I hope that she posts again, but even if she doesn't this discussion is still valuable to others.

[Tracii G]

I hope she comes back she needs to work this out.

[Rabecca]

Is far as that masturbation thing goes, I would think most of us here would not want are cloths to get messed up. We like the way we look. He needed to wear the dress, it was the only girly thing he could find at the time.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Within the past few years (maybe 10?) there have been cologne commercials on TV in which the ultra-sexy woman puts on a man's shirt and then sort of cuddles with herself in a very sexy way, and then the phone rings and she picks it up, and answers something like "Honey, I've been thinking about you." Maybe real women never act that way, but there have certainly been visible examples showing some women, at least, getting closer to their men by wearing their clothes.

Deedee

[Brenn]

Otter - Sorry to read your post. Seems like there are a lot of red flags for you. In addition to an honesty issue, you identified these mannerisms and behaviors that you don't like:
-he is very clingy, emotional and very feminine
- he has feminine mannerisms that others make fun of
- he displays psychological impotence
- he has sexual issues
- he forces you to be a mother figure
- he makes you feel unattractive

Those are pretty heavy - beyond crossdressing. You say you really love him. I think you have to ask yourself if you really do and if you are really in a healthy relationship. It is good that you are taking some time to evaluate your discovery and your relationship. Get some help, talk to a therapist. Do what is best for you as well as for him. Good luck.

Otter, I agree with Heatherdress that that is a pretty heavy list. I can't help but wonder if some of the things you don't like are a manifestation of his repression of crossdressing. As others have said, the important thing is to communicate. That will lift a lot of anxiety on both sides. You may need to seek some professional help, but let it take its course.

[mary something]

But I have severe trust issues due to having a fairly chaotic childhood and being around male predators and I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?


Do these feelings of yuckiness and betrayal ever pass?

As an abuse survivor it's very important to acknowledge how your past has shaped you, and then live a life as free of those shackles as you can. Possibly he was lying, maybe he wasn't... who knows? Maybe he really did feel closer to you and your femininity by wearing your dress, which possibly is worse for you than if he was just doing it to masturbate.

Not every male is a sexual predator. Because of your past you have developed some strong instincts to keep yourself safe from the situations that you had to endure in your childhood. Please remember that the natural responses and instincts that you learned to keep you safe might not be useful in this situation. You're not a child anymore and your SO is not the person who has violated you in the past.

The most difficult part of overcoming childhood abuse is realizing how it has changed you and being aware that your instincts have been unnaturally altered to respond to a threat that shouldn't have existed in the first place. I'm not blaming you, or trying to criticize your actions.

As long as we carry those defense responses to a perceived threat that doesn't exist anymore we are still carrying the past with us. It was learning to accept that I had been changed, becoming cognizant of how that had affected my perceptions, and then learning to ignore the past and live truly in the present that helped me learn how to heal myself from my past.

It is difficult to ascertain very much from a single post, and I hope you keep contributing here. If you want to figure him out then talking to him and being around him is the best way to do that, it seems that it would be difficult to do this if you move out.

It sounds like there are some issues in the relationship, and that you've reached a point where it's time to either dig in and find a way to grow together or grow apart. Find someone who you can love despite their imperfections, and who loves you in kind whether it is your current SO or someone else.

[Jenniferathome]

Jennifer, if a woman wears a shirt just to smell the cologne of her man, then why would it be different for a man to wear a piece of clothing to remind him of his woman? I would if I were away as I am now, Though her perfumes give me allergies sometimes:heehee:.

Because "men" don't do that. Cross dressers do. We all know it IS different for a man. Back to my new mantra, "Come on."

[MysticLady]

Because "men" don't do that. Cross dressers do. We all know it IS different for a man. Back to my new mantra, "Come on."

Which makes us a "finer" breed of men, wouldn't you agree?

[Wildaboutheels]

Unless your OP was written under extreme duress or agitation, it gives every indication that you two are a POOR match at best even w/o the crossdressing issue IMO.

The good news is that you [apparently?] were able to drive by all those countless other "bad" [according to many here] CDing sites and land and post your Q here. There are many sharp GGs who water here who MAY be able to help.

[Eryn]

There is a literary stereotype of a character keeping an item to remind them of their lover's scent. If the character is female the item is usually the man's shirt. If the character is male the item is usually the woman's handkerchief. This reflects the tolerance of society for possession of a gendered item by the other gender. It is considered acceptable and even sexy for a woman to wear a man's shirt and it is equally acceptable for a man to keep a woman's handkerchief carefully tucked out of sight.

[ReineD]

... how many other lies can he tell?
Thus what I would seek in a relationship is someone stronger than me, who could allow me to relax and be more emotional and feminine in contrast to their more masculine persona.
I feel like he is more attracted to me as a comfort object than a real person-I already felt a bit like I was mother figure or stuffed cuddle bear or blanket he clings to for comfort. My apologies for the graphicness, but often he maintains an erection while rubbing up against me, but loses it when he penetrates me...leaving me feel as though I am unattractive.

Otter, the above three points together form the crux of the matter and this seems to be universal. Many times GGs do not voice it as well as you do, but this is what they mean when they say, "... but I'm not a lesbian". They do not want to or cannot give up their woman's role in the relationship. I compare this to the concept of yin/yang, the two contrary feminine/masculine forces that fit together perfectly to form a whole (this mirrors the physical way that hetero couples make love). It doesn't work with two yins or two yangs, unless it is a homosexual relationship.

You have two choices:

1. You cannot change who he is and what he needs and you certainly cannot change what sources his sexuality. You know your own needs which is a difficult first step, and if you have any hope of your relationship growing to reach its full potential, you MUST go to the second step and tell him the second and third point above to see if he can meet your needs if only part of the time. He must be willing to take turns being the strong one in and out of the bedroom. He may well be so lost in the CDing fantasy that he believes you are happy in the stronger, more maternal role and so telling him the above three points may open his eyes. Hopefully he will know if he either can meet you halfway or if he cannot.

Also, hopefully he will not lie to himself and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Some CDers do this sometimes … they do not mean to lie, they do have the best intentions, but they find themselves caught between two impossible situations: needing to be who they are, and wanting to preserve a relationship with a hetero GG who does not want to take on the man's role in the relationship. And so they sometimes make promises that they discover down the line they cannot keep. This only serves to delay the inevitable end to the relationship, since over time each partner realizes they are not compatible.

2. Decide whether your needs are set or if you can change them and consistently be the strong one in and out of the bedroom, if you both discover that he cannot genuinely change his role in your relationship to meet you half way.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I was nervous about saying anything here, but in my heart I feel compelled to do so.

Otter, it is hard to tell reading this threat if your husband is abusive or not. If he is saying or doing things intentionally to hurt you (physically, emotionally, telling you he thinks you are ugly etc.) then you should drop him lack a sack of manure, there is no two ways about it. In that case, abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for doing that to another human being.

On the other hand, he may just have issues and may not understand he is hurting you. Your husband sounds like a TVF (transvestic fetishist), not a TS, which is a very good thing. TVFs are often made out to be monsters who are incapable of loving another person (by the trans community most of all sadly), which is usually not the case. One reason he enjoys wearing your dress is because it is a say for him to be close to you, and he may have difficulty expressing his love to you directly possibly because of the abuse he was forced to endure and it may have nothing to do with you as a person. A some of us who were abused growing up have difficulty relating to other people, especially if one is introverted to begin with; he may have also spent most of his sexual life totally alone and might not have never been properly conditioned to be aroused with an actual partner, he may have psychological problems or have other issues which are not your fault and those are not indicators of your attractiveness or whether or not you are a person worthy of being loved.

(I had to have this discussion with my ex-girlfriend, if it isn't obvious I speak from experience.)

In some cases a man might because aroused wearing a dress or a nightgown or whatever because it reminds him of a comfortable place he once felt when he was very young and that feeling of security and safety may turn into feels of arousal later on. A boy might remember being lovingly embraced by his mom while she was wearing a nightie when he was young, and he might desire to wear a nightgown later on in life because it brings forth those feelings of being loved and being secure. I think some are too judgmental when it comes to such things, some trans people are probably the worst offenders sad to say Obviously, he has no business wearing her clothes without permission, clearly that is a line one should not cross, but the motivation itself may not be so sinister as some make it out to be.

Likewise, sometimes boys are raised with domineering mothers or whatnot and later in life seek out a partner like that. I was a totally henpecked boy growing up (I don't know how else to put that), and as an adult I seek out women who are overbearing and domineering (not abusive in any capacity, but domineering yes), and spent many years with a woman who was like that... and actually had similar feelings as you do Otter. We eventually broke up, it was a small part of it, but it was other issues as well (including a substantial age gap.)

[otter]

hello everyone,

I am so sorry if my first post came across as too terse...I was just so taken aback to be honest. I have been staying with a friend for a few days working through my emotions. Because of my past, my first emotional response is often a complete emotional shutdown and a withdraw from what has hurt me, so that I can try and find a safe place to recover without appearing weak. It can then take days for me to be able to actually feel again...

The first day, to be totally honest, I was in escapism land and it all seemed so funny....in 20 years it would make the best funniest story about ending a relationship. It took until yesterday for me to really begin to experience the full set of emotions and I was so sad and grieving.

We are engaged to be married in the fall and he had picked me a very pretty ring with concentric emeralds...I normally dont like materialistic things at all, but that he took the time to find it meant so much to me, as he found something he knew that I would love. Sometimes I dont think I understand what being in love really is, but I feel such a sense of homesickness right now...we have built a life together, a home, a routine, a shared existence and I found such comfort in that togetherness.

Thank you all for your posts-I have read each one of them and greatly appreciate your sharing of how you have been on both sides of this experience.



You tried to fill a gender role as you thought it should be. Again, in an ideal situation you would have shared that. He placed his desires above yours and you played along, You don't HAVE to be the strong one...You should be equal (pattern here). What you describe following is basically showing a person who has issues of their own. He needs to work on these as you work on what you know now.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome Lorileah, as well as sharing your wisdom..

In some sense it is very unfair to him, as I did not share how I was feeling on the dynamic of our relationship already....most of the time when we talk, he will do almost anything to make me happy, so I have to bear some fault on my initial complaint myself..this discovery has certainly brought some of those issues out front and center.

Problematically I find I am sexually aroused by a more dominating individual naturally and while I might feel loved by a very feminine man, I would not be sexually interested. How does a relationship survive that transition? I have considered perhaps asking for an open relationship, but he is actually fairly traditional in nature and I suspect this would not be easy for him to accept.

Oddly, I do want to support him, and now past the shock, I think it would be totally fun to shopping with him...Its bizarre and yucky to take me to victoria's secret and buy stuff for me that he wants to wear, but it is kinda of funny and cute to take him to victoria's secret for a shopping trip for him-it is just a whole different thing when there is no lie involved...


I can appreciate the sick feeling you have, if you still have it after talking about it and your partner leaves you with low expectations, you are probably not suited anyway.
Think what brought you together in the first place, your partner has a soft and caring side for sure and maybe you are looking for a more aggressive he man that has less thought for the female side of a partnership.

It is a decision you will have to make, remembering that the grass is not always greener on the other side and what can someone else provide in your relationship that your present relationship lacks.

He is an amazingly caring person, admirable more so because it isnt really natural to his personality. He has to work to be thoughtful, as he isnt always aware of the world around him, but once aware he tries so hard. For example, my son is diabetic and once he understood how tired I was due to getting up twice a night, he took one of the shifts for me and stays up himself.

When I began dating him I did make a VERY conscious choice-I chose him understanding he was not the innate dominant man who I would chose, but instead was very sweet and caring. I did this because I understood I would naturally select people who would be likely to be more abusive, based upon a flawed template of what male should be...I pick poorly by emotion, so I imposed a certain amount of logic. This was likely a dumb move, but just because one doesnt fall in love, doesnt mean one does not love deeply? I have gotten myself into a pickle now...



Lastly... wearing your dress without your permission is just wrong. He has a lot to learn. :straightface:

I suspect it is much like a kid who never really learned the right social rules...he just didnt know better? so it is totally forgivable in hindsight. It didnt really suit him either but he had noted liking the texture previously. :)

[MysticLady]

In some sense it is very unfair to him, as I did not share how I was feeling on the dynamic of our relationship already....most of the time when we talk, he will do almost anything to make me happy, so I have to bear some fault on my initial complaint myself..this discovery has certainly brought some of those issues out front and center.


Hi otter, thanks for coming back and telling us how you feel. Now, it's time you go and tell him. :hugs:

[TxKimberly]

First of all, welcome to the forum, and perhaps welcome to the wonderful world of crossdressing! LOL It's not ALL bad I promise.
There are a lot of good folks here. I aint one of 'em, but I know there are a lot of good people here.

You will find this forum to be a wide and diverse mixture of people, each with their own opinions, and few here are terribly reluctant to express them. For an example, some can read one single post from you, describing a mere moment in your life, and then feel free to advise you to trash your future marriage and throw it all away based on the wealth of information that they gleaned from your post.


Run, quickly. I see no basis upon which to build a loving relationship. You have a vision of what makes a strong, supportive, mutual relationship and "this ain't it".

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water quite that fast OK?

I was not always the perfect picture of an honest and responsible person that you now see in front of you. Yep, once upon a time I was a snot nosed little rug rat and then teenager, and then young adult. Suffice it to say that I have actually done a few less than intelligent things in my life, and even worse, I got caught at a few of them. Do you know it is absolutely astounding the absolute stupidity that can spew outta your mouth when you're busted red handed, and your adrenalin is pumping, and you are watching your life flash before your eyes? There is no telling what your boy friend might have said shortly after you busted him in your dress. I'll bet even he isn't sure what he said at this point. LOL

There are a lot of wives on this forum, and so we often benefit from their sharing their feelings and thoughts with us here. While most of us at one point had little or no choice about "borrowing" things, one of the concepts STRONGLY encouraged on this forum is that you NEVER swipe someone's clothing without her express go ahead. For lack of a better phrase, you gotta "man up", and go buy your own things. Of course now that you know about him, perhaps he has the option to get his own stuff and leave yours the hell alone.

[otter]

I think maybe the two of you should talk and determine if he knows who he is, what his feelings are and what he really wants. Only by truly knowing himself can those questions be answered. It sounds to me like you know who you are Hon and what you want. Seems to me the next move is up to him. Good luck.:)

I actually asked him to reach out to a therapist (not like I dont need one myself as well, honestly). I want him to spend some time really understanding what it is that he has been hiding from himself all this time. I explained that there is nothing wrong with the actual cross dressing, its okay to own who you are...but the lies are not okay, and that it really points to there being a lot more going on that he needs to be honest with himself about. Until he knows himself, how can he ask anyone else to understand him?


Speaking from the perspective of a CDer who has been in your spouse's position:

I also wore my wife's clothes a few times without her permission. I felt quite a lot of guilt and shame for doing so but something irresistible drove me to do it. I was always very careful that I did not damage them in any way and put them back exactly the way I found them. It is very unlikely that your SO was doing anything that would have soiled or otherwise harmed your dress. That dress was likely tried on by others before you bought it, yet you likely haven't given that the slightest thought. The fact that others have worn the dress isn't really the issue, it's your boyfriend's wearing a dress that is the real concern.

After we had "the talk," my wife gave me permission to wear her things any time I wish. She also has the run of my closet. We do occasionally wear each other's things but usually we stick to items that we selected for ourselves. So, one possible solution to your immediate issue is to take your boyfriend shopping.

Going beyond this, you seem to want a dominant partner while your boyfriend is more submissive. You have trust issues and your boyfriend has trustworthiness issues. You aren't happy with his sexual performance. This does not sound like a very good match. If you haven't yet invested much in the relationship it might be better for both of you to move on before it causes both of you more pain.

Sorry if this feels harsh, but the fact is that a lot of people say that they love their SOs, and over half of marriages end in divorce. Don't make the mistake of being in love with being in love.

To be honest I dont really care about my clothes at all as material items...it was really more the abstract idea of that in the past when I thought he was holding me and loving me, he was actually just wanting my clothing....I suspect he wanted both in retrospect :) with the exception my undies, i really dont have strong feelings about the actual clothes, as long as we were working with an open understanding.

Sexually the relationship has evolved over time as he became comfortable but then it sort of stagnated and I did not understand why...I cant imagine that have an underlying desire to cross dress doesnt somehow play a role, so perhaps counseling can help him bring some of these items together in his own understanding.

to be very blunt....this changes everything....in some sense we each entered the relationship with a set of notions and ideas and via communication sort of solidified the boundaries of the relationship...but this changes everything. I want him to be happy and comfortable in his own skin, his own desires, his preferences more than anything, but I also feel if the relationship continues on, the boundaries are open for renegotiation, and I may seek to explore some of the more submissive sides of my personality with other partners. I know this seems elfish, but perhaps it is better to understand these boundaries now than in ten years when neither of us would be happy...this is just postulating of course as there is so much he needs to understand and communicate on his end, so I can understand what exactly is driving him.



Otter, I think you are actually handling it well. Rather than head for the hills, you came here. That's pretty good. Of course, the cross dresser to female ratio is heavily slanted in the CD favor, you will get a variety of inputs. I think your reaction that I quoted is exactly what many women feel. He really blew it by making up a story. Maybe he thinks he's fast on his feet. Embarrassment can cause stupidity. At this point, all you can do is have a sit down and talk if you are up for it. You owe him nothing but one conversation can't hurt.

Yeah, this was totally what was going on-however he is very good at saying the right thing in the moment when I get mad, just like a little kid, so on other topics, I have learned to push past the first response and even goad him a bit...I dont want the answer he thinks I want to hear-I want the real thing he is actually feeling..It isnt a big deal at all now, it just sort of fueled the initial confusion


Run, quickly. I see no basis upon which to build a loving relationship. You have a vision of what makes a strong, supportive, mutual relationship and "this ain't it".

It is a preprogrammed template that is perhaps not built upon what is healthy or real...


Welcome to the forum Otter. i am so sorry you had to be introduced to us like this, but it is what it is. I hope you will continue to educate yourself about crossdressing, and what it is and isn't. Dear, you need to take all the time you need to pull your thoughts together on this. Please don't cut him off from you during this period, as he is definitely feeling very bad about this, I would hope. He does need to learn how to express himself, and probably begin to come to terms with himself and begin to accept it. Wearing your clothes does not bring you two closer. A mutual understanding and acceptance of who/what he is, and your willingness to accept his activities is what will bring you two closer.

Oh, and by the way Lori, Otter was most definitely talking about my picture.......lol

Babara

This sounds like a beauty contest in the making? ;)

On a serious note, I have come very close to cutting off communications, but sent a very long email today expressing how i feel. I dont want him to feel ashamed or guilty, or be afraid of who he is and it pains me that I know he feels alone and afraid right now...I do not want to see him hurt.



QFT.
* It's entirely possible that the reason the more submissive dynamic is in your relationship is because he's been suppressing and hiding the crossdressing. When it comes out into the open and he has room to explore his feminine side, your relationship will change, and there is a chance it will move in the direction you want it to go.

As far as your relationship is concerned, do keep in mind that society in general is downright emotionally abusive to crossdressers, so he will respond like a victim until he learns to become a survivor and fight back. I'm thinking maybe it would be good for both of you to read up on abuse in general, and emotional abuse in particular. You've both suffered it, based on your post, and whatever happens next in your relationship, you will both be better prepared to deal with it and your lives (should you split up) if you take some time now to learn about it. A therapist wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Anyway, there will be more lies, more than likely, and it will be because he is defensive and feels somewhat trapped in a corner. These lies are relatively easy to forgive when you understand that you are also somewhat responsible (whether unintentional or not) for him being in this situation. Since you described him as homophobic, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest he really hates that he's a crossdresser and has serious issues over it.

For you, you are in the 5 stages of grief because the person he was no longer exists and you do have to grieve it somewhat. Lorileah already described those stages to you, but you're welcome to do more research. :)

He has been amazingly open and willing to take on the blame for creating the mess he is in to a certain extent and seems to be markedly non-defensive, given where we are at...but it is an odd sense of lose that I feel...my firmament has been shifted dramatically and I am having to reassess my understanding of what he is in totality.


Welcome otter

I can't guarantee that your SO is not a predator, but it is EXTREMELY unlikely given the dynamics of cross-dressing and gender.

...ask him! You'll need to have this conversation sooner than later.

I want to be extremely blunt and honest, but does crossdressing at all corrleate with pedaphilia? My mother allowed us as children to be around people who posed a predatory risk...I will not be that person, which was part of my initial fear response...My children are everything to me and their interest is far more important than mine.


Otter,
I would agree with much that has already been said. His lie is most likely not meant to be a lie. He probably feels guilty about wanting to wear feminine things and when you caught him he was probably in a panic. That extreme emotion tends to shut down the thinking brain. He said the first thing that came to mind hoping it would be something that you would forgive him for. It's kind of like catching a child doing something they shouldn't be. The responses can be pretty cheesy. As a child, were you never caught doing something out of bounds? Maybe you can remember that feeling and the urge to tell a tall tale can be overwhelming rather than owning up to the truth.
I rarely post anymore but I felt compelled to answer yours. What concerns me more and I think you as well is his "psychological impotence" as you put it. It is obvious to me that he is strongly attracted to you. Reading between the lines I suspect there is some abuse in his past that scarred him deeply. He may not be able to remember that because those are the types of things that get so deeply repressed that the memories are hidden so completely he is not able to recall them. Or, it may be he is just too ashamed of those things in his past to have told you.
Communication is the key to the direction of your futures. I understand you wanting to isolate and insulate yourself, but that is not going to resolve anything. I urge you to have a come to Jesus meeting with him. If you can't talk you may as well throw in the towel now.

I am also a cd but I hope you don't feel I am any less sincere or more biased.

I wish you well dear one!

Annette

Thank you Annette! I suspect you are correct in your perception of his initial excuse...he has mentioned something he wants to talk about in person, which may point to some of your observations on past trauma in his life.

[Leona]

On a serious note, I have come very close to cutting off communications, but sent a very long email today expressing how i feel. I dont want him to feel ashamed or guilty, or be afraid of who he is and it pains me that I know he feels alone and afraid right now...I do not want to see him hurt.

If you truly feel that way, then you'll need to work on a contingency plan for how to end the relationship without leaving him feeling like purging, which he can't do without his own clothes. He's in a sensitive spot right now, and to be honest it sounds like he'd rather take responsibility for all wrongs done and get you back then actually deal with the issues (my wife's like that :/ ).

But you're also in a strong position for something else. You can negotiate for what you DO want and see if he can give it. Ask him to learn how to be a domme, suggest that when he dresses up, he has to be a domme for you sexually. See how well that works. Don't let him just go out and watch some porn and reenact what he sees, it takes practice to become a domme. If you'd like to PM me, hurry up and get your 10 posts and PM me and I'll give some more details on this. I had to find the dom in me for my wife, and I was quite surprised to find out he was not only there, SHE was there double time when I'm dressed. Previously, my wife wanted me to be more dominant sexually. Now I'm patiently trying to help her be more submissive.

But it definitely looks to me like there's an opportunity for some give and take on this. You know you want more of *something* from him, and he wants to be able to wear dresses. Neither one of you can deny these desires, so why not explore them together?


I want to be extremely blunt and honest, but does crossdressing at all corrleate with pedaphilia? My mother allowed us as children to be around people who posed a predatory risk...I will not be that person, which was part of my initial fear response...My children are everything to me and their interest is far more important than mine.

No. In absolutely no way does crossdressing correlate with pedophilia. I can't say that strongly enough. Based on what you've said, it sounds like he's probably the opposite of a predatory risk. But make no mistake about it, crossdressing is NOT a slippery slope that leads to pedophilia, sex with animals, or any of that crap. It's simply a state where someone wants to wear clothes considered gender-appropriate for the opposite of their sex as assigned at birth. There is a whole range of variation on what that means to individuals, but it NEVER includes pedophilia. Not as a causal thing, anyway. I think it's likely that crossdressers have a lower instance of pedophilia than the general population simply because of what it takes to admit it to yourself and to be who you are.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I want to be extremely blunt and honest, but does crossdressing at all corrleate with pedaphilia? My mother allowed us as children to be around people who posed a predatory risk...I will not be that person, which was part of my initial fear response...My children are everything to me and their interest is far more important than mine.


I cannot say this emphatically enough... absolutely not.

A pedophile might also happen to crossdress, but TVism and pedophilia are NOT related. (A good example is that of an infamous serial killer who had a fetish for women's shoes; some serial killers might have a fetish for women's shoes, but not all men who have a fetish for women's shoes are serial killers.)

If you have reasonable suspicion your boyfriend might be a pedophile, whether he is a TV or not, you need to immediately jettison him for obvious reasons.

[giuseppina]

...I want to be extremely blunt and honest, but does crossdressing at all corrleate with pedaphilia? My mother allowed us as children to be around people who posed a predatory risk...I will not be that person, which was part of my initial fear response...My children are everything to me and their interest is far more important than mine. ...

It is not my intention to lay this accusation at your feet, but your first statement is typical of those who want to demonise us CDs out of existence. Certain groups including media outlets and religious organisations do this by presenting stories of individuals crossdressing during the commission of sexual acts or other behavior normally punished by jail time and other sanctions. The problem is these comedians ruin it for the rest of us. The usual numbers indicate one to three percent of the male population likes to crossdress. In Canada, with a population of about 34 000 000 people in round figures, that means there are about 150 000 to 450 000 M2F crossdressers. I don't think fifty individuals out of this population is worth worrying about. Until somebody presents evidence to the contrary, I am of the view that the chances of a crossdresser being a pedophile or sexual criminal is no different from that of a randomly selected male. That being said, I realise that you are extremely sensitive to this sort of thing because of past issues. I think asking your BF for a psychiatrist's assessment of risk is reasonable in your circumstances. I would be pleased to provide same if you were my BF, and no, I'm not trying to take you away from him. Frankly, the events in your childhood is, IMHO, egregious child abuse and should be punished appropriately through the justice system. You are not alone. Perhaps getting together with your siblings can make this happen if you choose to go after your mother.

Please have another look at my previous post in this thread for some ideas for you. I'm not a mental health professional, but I get the feeling you have difficulty with trust and this is getting between you and your BF. Though I have never had a GF, I have this same difficulty for reasons mentioned in that post. It has nothing to do with any GF I may find. I've pushed everyone away to protect them, including one lady I really liked. :sad:

If you're into this sort of thing, a research paper entitled "Surprise! Men Who Cross-Dress Are Similar to Men Who Don't" is available. Your favourite search engine should be able to find it. The abstract looks promising, but I haven't actually read the article. It is a journal article requiring a payment for access. If you want to read more like it, Google Scholar is your friend. Going that route cuts out most if not all of the sexual content that turns quite a few people off.

[Tracii G]

Just because he crossdresses doesn't mean he is a sexual deviant of any kind.Nor does it mean he wants to be a woman, that he is gay or may turn gay.
Those are misconceptions that people have about crossdressers. Thoses views can be spewed by religious groups or groups that have know understanding of the subject.
Some people are afraid of anything that is not of their normal view of things therefore they will make up reasons to hate us with no basis in fact.
I hope you two can work it out.

[Leona]

That being said, I realise that you are extremely sensitive to this sort of thing because of past issues. I think asking your BF for a psychiatrist's assessment of risk is reasonable in your circumstances.

I disagree with this. Past issues do not justify making a current beau run a gauntlet. He is not responsible for what happened to her in the past, and he shouldn't have to spend any time proving he's not going to do that.

[DebbieL]

I am not handling this very well.
I came back home unannounced and he was in my dress. I dont have anything against folks who choose to crossdress-I think many of the pictures here are actually quite adorable and sweet even...

The fact that you can actually see such pictures and find that they are adorable is a good thing. It may indicate that you might be open to a possibility of a relationship that works for both of you. You might also want to think about what viewing those pictures brought up for you. Some women see a she-male or cross-dressing looking really good, and they have fantasies of their own. For some women the fantasy might be dominating a "sissy", for others, having a sissy "****" who is focused on her pleasure. This is a chance for both of you to create together, what would YOU like to create in a relationship that includes cross-dressing.


But I have severe trust issues due to having a fairly chaotic childhood and being around male predators and I am left wondering what else I dont know...the first thing he said when I saw him in my dress was a lie about it bringing me close to him......how many other lies can he tell?

Keep in mind that for most cross-dressers, this is the biggest secret of their lives. I've often said that "living in stealth" was a bit like being a Jew in Nazi Europe. You can act like what you are not, and pretend not to be what you are, but you know that if your secret is discovered, it could cost you everything, even your life.

The bigger problem is that he may not even know for sure what he is. You might want to ask him about the FIRST time he ever wanted to dress up. If he was very young, less than 8 years old, the need is very deep and he may even be transsexual. On the other hand, if it was later in life, as a joke, he may be more of a casual cross-dresser.

He probably dressed before he met you, and was terrified that he would lose you if he told you. And that wouldn't have been the WORST possible outcome. Some of us have had situations where we were discovered and the girl we loved not only told all her friends, but told new boyfriends and other boys, leading to violent beatings.

For those of us who dressed when we were younger, or wanted to be girls when we were younger, discovery was physically dangerous. In my own case, I was hospitalized over 40 times due to the abuse of the other boys. Spending 2 weeks in a hospital, with needles in my arms, in an oxygen tent - got really old really fast.



It also places a very strange, stress inducing dynamic on the relationship via shifts in sexual dynamics. I am by nature a fairly feminine women, but have learned to be strong willed, obstinate, tenacious and fight to do the very best for my children as a single mom. In some ways this almost gives me a masculine air, with folks even saying I am dominant and bullheaded at times.

This is something you should discuss with your partner. Now that you know his special fantasies, you can incorporate them into your own. Perhaps he would like to be your dominatrix. Alternatively, you could take turns staging scenes, one night something for him, the next something special for you.

You may also find that he is more willing to provide other things that you will enjoy more. This is the time to for you to explore explore your own fantasies, his limits, and yours.


However I dont enjoy this role-it is simply what i was forced to become in order to survive. I already quell much of my emotional responses in order to control the world around me and find security, but it is emotionally exhausting.

This is very common among men as well as very responsible men. When you have to be in control and feel the burden of responsibility all the time, the fantasy of bondage, being the submissive, knowing that your partner is committed to using the control you have given them to create as much pleasure for you as possible, can be a very liberating experience.

This may be something that he could understand. You might get some issues of Forum or Variations or even 50 shades of grey, and circle or mark your favorite passages.

A really good thing to do is for each of you to create a list of at least a dozen fantasies that you know you would like to try out, and another dozen that you think would be exciting but weren't sure about. There may be things on his list that you would love, and there may things on your list that he will love.

You may even find that he becomes more sexual, more eager to please you, and more aggressive when dressed.


Thus what I would seek in a relationship is someone stronger than me, who could allow me to relax and be more emotional and feminine in contrast to their more masculine persona. Admitting to my own kink, I could easily fall into the role of a sub with the right partner, just to be able to let someone else take control for awhile.

Very often, we fantasize about what we don't have. You might consider reading some books by Sarah Desmaris, or other books with Sissy Cuckholding themes, see if it appeals to you, and then share the stories with your boyfriend. He may be very threatened and be unable to accept this as an option, or he might actually be quite open to it. The big concern is that a real Alpha male may not want to share you, and once he has you to himself, may bring his own set of issues (infidelity, too dominant, control of things you want to control, or even abusive).


In this relationship, I was already strained as my partner is very clingy and emotional and very feminine in his affection, so I already feel as though I must be the strong one. He tends to be passive and nonactive, so I end up having to be the active driving force much of the time to get things done in our lives. Even his mannerisms are feminine to the point of others having made fun of him as being gay in the past.

It sounds like he might be transsexual. However, I don't want you to make that assumption without getting his feelings on the matter. He might even need to see a therapist with experience in gender issues. If this is the case, he could become suicidal if you just "throw him out". You should probably see the therapist together if possible, for at least some sessions.


In addition he suffers from psychological impotence, something I knew about from very early on in our relationship, so I have tried to be extremely supportive and accepting about...even though at times I feel like he is more attracted to me as a comfort object than a real person-I already felt a bit like I was mother figure or stuffed cuddle bear or blanket he clings to for comfort.

If your boyfriend is transsexual, there is a very good chance that his sexuality is in his feminine side. In my own case, I was literally unable to have sexual intercourse with a woman when not dressed. In my twenties, I could achieve an erection, but I could not achieve orgasm. On the other hand, I was quite eager to please my partners, bringing them to multiple orgasms, often until the literally demanded that I stop immediately. One girl even asked me to tie her up, dominate her, and stimulate her in a variety of ways to the point where she literally felt like she would die of she had another orgasm.

Once I told my first wife that I was a cross-dresser, she decided to indulge me, and I would do everything I could to make sure she was completely satisfied, often using things I had learned while reading stories about Lesbian sex to bring her to more intense heights. Eventually, however, she decided she was not comfortable being a "lesbian" and became sexually unresponsive. After 8 years and two kids, we finally got divorced so she could marry her boyfriend (who she dated for over a year).

My current wife knew I was transgendered before we met in person (pictures on Match.com), and decided it might be interesting. We've been married 7 years so far. The biggest problem we've had with our sex life is that she keeps having orgasms so intense that she gets hernias. She's had 5 operations so far, and sometimes I have to ration her.


My apologies for the graphicness, but often he maintains an erection while rubbing up against me, but loses it when he penetrates me...leaving me feel as though I am unattractive.


I do love him, but this really kind of pushed the strange dynamics over the top...it really grosses me out that he was wearing my dress and likely masterbating on it...it's mine, not his, and it isnt me, its just an object, but is an object I would wear later not knowing what he had done....

Does he do the laundry? He might have washed it before returning it to you. My mom used to have me do all the laundry, even having me iron all the shirts and blouses, because she knew I was going through the clothes hamper to dress up. My father refused to pay for clothes for me, so mom often took me shopping with her, and I would pick out what I'd like. She'd wear it once or twice, then put it in the "donate" pile, which meant it was mine if I wanted it. The same was true with hosiery she tied in a knot before putting it in the laundry. You might want to take him shopping for his own clothes, especially if his is a significantly different size than you.


I would think he might be gay but he is a bit homophobic to be honest...

Probably not. If he started young, he may associate other boys and men with violent abuse. The fact that he is attracted to you would indicate that he is not homosexual. It's common for women to confuse gender identity and gender expression with gender preference. Women often assume that a man who wants to dress like a woman is doing so because he wants to be with a man. Often the opposite is true, they not only want to dress like women, but they are only attracted to women.


This has just messed with my head a great deal...I asked him very early on if he had odd fetishes or other things that would help him past his impotence and he could have shared this then...I would have thought it odd, but it may not have been a deal breaker...

He probably didn't know that. Not only that but he probably has more than a few negative experiences when other found out about his desires as a cross-dresser. Many transgenders are rejected by their parents, siblings, playmates, girlfriends, and even lovers and wives. Often, when they disclose, they not only lose the primary relationship, they often lose EVERY friend they have. There are often episodes of violence, being beaten by someone who was told the little "secret" and beats them up as "Sissy", "Faggot", or "Pervert".

Often, such disclosures, losses, and attacks are followed by suicidal actions. These are different from the typical "plea for help", because they often are done as privately as the dressing, because they are literally confronting a permanent problem which seems unbearable. Imagine knowing that you face 40, 50, even 70 years of loneliness, rejection, persecution, and despair.


I am moving out now as I need time alone to try and figure this out...

You need to decide for yourself what you really want, but you should try to think about him as well. If you don't want him, do you know any girls who would? Could you help fix him up?

The hard reality for most transgender males in that they will be rejected by most of the women they approach. When I posted my profile on Match, over 1000 women saw my profile, only 6 had tried to initiate contact. Most saw the picture of the male, and looked, but when they saw the picture of me in a dress, looking pretty good, they lost interest immediately.

Needless to say, I've had more than my share of in person rejections as well. Fortunately, one of the six women who followed up ended up becoming my wife.


Do these feelings of yuckiness and betrayal ever pass?

For you, they may not. Any more than his desire to dress will pass. He may love you deeply, and he may have wanted desperately to tell you about his dressing, but he was afraid of exactly the kind of reaction you just had. Imagine meeting the guy of your dreams, then when he finds out that you have the desire to be dominated, he drops you instantly, like a hot potato, wanting out of the relationship - asking for "A little time to myself". Now imagine this happening 30-40 times over a 10-15 year period.

You need to do what's right for you, but could you find a way to be compassionate, perhaps help him find a partner who really wants what he has to offer? If you tell one of your lady friends that your boyfriend is a sissy and they perk up all interested, you might want to make some introductions, it might save his life.

[suchacutie]

Hi Otter, and welcome to our very interesing forum. After reading this thread it seemed that one point I discovered when my wife and I identified the existence of Tina was that gender roles and ideas of self were mixed in me for many years. Once we found Tina and began to let her expand, we were able to identify which pieces of my personality and outlook "belonged" to Tina, and which belonged to my male self. We spent a lot of time discussing what it was to grow up as a boy or as a girl. The result is that the mixture of these characteristics that were my "self" started to separate. I became aware of feminine and masculine characteristics and was much more concious of my actions. It was as if I finally learned how to be more fully masculine or more fully feminine (moreso as time went on and Tina learned who she was).

In short, I'm wondering if your SO is in this situation where his gender identities are a bit muddled. Your desire for a more dominant masculine SO might be no farther away than the same kind of gender separation that I have experienced. Only you can know if this would be the case, but I didn't want the notion to be left unmentioned.

[Deedee Skyblue]

For an example, some can read one single post from you, describing a mere moment in your life, and then feel free to advise you to trash your future marriage and throw it all away based on the wealth of information that they gleaned from your post.

I am absolutely dumbfounded at some of the stuff that made it into this thread. People cannot possible know enough about this young lady to tell her how she should conduct her life. Some of the conclusions drawn on the small amount of information otter provided are staggering. Advice is one thing - drawing conclusions about otter that are completely unsupported by anything she said is quite another.

Deedee