hell and back

[andrea lace]

where to start. I am really going through it at the moment I have a penis that I don't want, I am suffering from severe anxiety, I am putting my wife through hell and I am loosing a little bit of myself every day.

Not only am I tearing myself apart I am tearing my family apart at the same time. I have not had many chances for some Andrea time but did go out dressed to a party of a gay friend of my wife and mine last Friday and had a great time.

My kids saw me dressed and we told them that the party was fancy dress and that was ok with them. While at the party we met some transsexual girls and really enjoyed their company even though they said that a very drunk man in a dress was not good image to portray.
My wife explained that I needed some dutch courage as it was my first time out dressed.
Since then I have told my wife that I would also like to transition. I have hidden, run from and never dealt with my true feelings regarding making my body match my mind.
I realize that this is selfish of me, my wife thinks that I am moving too fast but I have always felt this is as a need rather than a want.
I guess I have never had the courage to be be who I really am.
I will see my doctor this week and talk to her about all this when I finally sober up but I feel like I am in hell.
Help please some advice would be great.

[Kate Simmons]

The grass always seems greener on the other side Hon. Consider first just what you think you would do if you transition. A friend of mine's ex-husband who transitioned just hides away in her mother's basement apartment. Not much of a life in my mind. Everyone has to decide what is best for them, however.:)

[Lorileah]

While at the party we met some transsexual girls and really enjoyed their company even though they said that a very drunk man in a dress was not good image to portray. There isn't a rule book on that. Being drunk isn't a good image for anyone.

Since then I have told my wife that I would also like to transition. I have hidden, run from and never dealt with my true feelings regarding making my body match my mind.
I realize that this is selfish of me, my wife thinks that I am moving too fast but I have always felt this is as a need rather than a want. Whoa...easy Trigger take a breath and calm down. I agree with your wife, you are going well beyond speed limit here. One time out and you are ready for SRS? This isn't a race, it is a marathon. You need to stop, assess and take a good long look. You probably are TS. You probably need to continue the path but GO SLOW.

Start with counseling. Work your way through your feelings and then proceed. Sounds like your wife is there for you but the way you are going now, you will be alone very quickly.

Personally if you needed alcohol to even get started, you may have other issues you need to address

[Marleena]

Advice? Slow the heck down for your wife and kid's sake. Find a good TS support group and a gender therapist. It's all going to take time to find out what's going on, it's a slow process. You could blow up your marriage and life before you even get answers. A support group will really be beneficial at this point since the discovery process with the gender therapist will take some time.

[kimdl93]

do not make decisions or announcements under the influence. but do see your doctor and then get referred to a qualified gender therapist. and a little advice on the relationship with your wife...perhaps you could take a step back, tell her some of your feelings and ask her to help you deal with it all, rather than making pronouncements. Life may seem like hell for a while, but if you don't get a grip on yourself and give her some opportunity to participate in the process, you may find out that hell can be a good deal worse.

[MysticLady]

I realize that this is selfish of me, my wife thinks that I am moving too fast but I have always felt this is as a need rather than a want.
I guess I have never had the courage to be be who I really am.

Help please some advice would be great.

Andrea, You're freaking out. Like everyone stated including YOUR WIFE, Slow down. You are so lucky that she has given you this much freedom. Now, you want to go into surgery tomorrow? Slow down Girlie. First of all, don't try to analyze your feelings especially if you've been drinking. Sometimes during this fog you get all happy, happy, joy, joy. This is serious business, think of your family. I believe, if your not content right now w/ what you have then, you'll never be content even if you get what you want. It's just brainal physics. Take it slowly and please check in w/ the wife constantly. :hugs:

[Leah Lynn]

Like the ladies said, Slow Down! In fact, STOP! I do understand; I've been wanting it since I was four years old. That was 58 years ago. First off, you're looking at spending 100 Large. Not everybody has that much lying around for SRS. Then, think about your family. Your SO married a man; is she ready to identify as a lesbian? Can you keep your job? Oh, yeah, I've had lots of time to consider all this. Now that my children have families of their own and I'm a widower, I'm seriously considering it. If friends and family have a problem, I can relocate anywhere and get a job. I recently read an article about depression, drug use (includes alcohol) and suicide in TG's. So get counselling and most importantly, get a grip on yourself and reality. We're not saying you CAN'T do it, just take your time and think through each step.
Wishing you the best,
Leah

[DianeDeBris]

Personally if you needed alcohol to even get started, you may have other issues you need to address

As so often, Lorileah has it at least 99% right. I would add this thought: if you need stimulants (alcohol or anything else) to stand going out even once, then - very respectfully - you do have other issues you need to address - FIRST. Realistically, being mentally and emotionally stable is an absolute requirement for approaching SRS, and really is a requirement for making any kind of important decision. Second, there is no physical and no therapist in the country - maybe in the world - who would let you get anywhere near SRS with this problem hanging over your head. Sorry if this feels harsh; but one's gender is too fundamental to tinker with any way but in the cold, sober light of day. I do wish you the very best, and I hope you can start with a fearless assessment of yourself, your life, your family, your needs, your hopes and your values. Do please let us know how you're doing with taking all aspects of your world into your own control.

[Beverley Sims]

The girls at the party gave very good advice, if not a pointed message.
Drinking alcohol only dulls the senses and impairs judgement.
Excessive drinking can make you feel like you are in hell.

You are so right, sober up and talk with your doctor.
There is no solace or any answers either at the bottom of a bottle.
That is one search you should try and moderate.
Look somewhere else.
Anywhere!

[mikiSJ]

First thing on your list is to get sober. You can't make any rational decisions if you can't think straight and you can make every wrong decision looking through the bottom of an empty bottle.

[Rianna Humble]

Whilst I agree with the advice to slow down and to see a reputable, qualified gender therapist, I feel that too many members who have responded are themselves going too fast by branding you a drunk and an alcoholic.

Kate was also right that you need to know what your goal will be for transition, but the therapist will help you to ask yourself that question. It is unfortunate that some people think that transition will cure everything that is wrong in their life, it most definitely won't. What it will cure for a transsexual is the constant reminder that your birth defect has betrayed you.

Kim also gave you good advice to ask your wife to help you deal with the feelings that going out dressed for the first time has brought out.

[andrea lace]

Hello all!
Thanks for your comments and advice. For those who mentioned my drinking I am sober now and reflecting.
Forgive the OP which was a bit of a rant. I suppose it is frustration that I am feeling a majority of the time. I long to be more feminine and feel that my body fails me at times. No matter how much I try and I just feel that I am simply a bloke in a dress.
I am currently due to visit a gender therapist and seek their advice and help.
I think that my feelings have come to the surface since I met a couple of transsexual people the other day at the party I went to. Having talked to them they said how happy and content they now feel as women.
To Leah Lynn who suggested surgery would cost in access of a 100 large ones. We in the UK have something called the NHS (just about and hanging by a thread) so it could be a lot less in monetary value. I understand the cost would be at a huge price and feel that I would loose everything in the end. No one is sure what will happen in the future and how they make cope with the changes including me.
I love my wife and she is also a member of the forum as some of you may know already. She keeps me grounded and does offer me some very sound advice even if I don't want to hear it.

[docrobbysherry]

The term, "Sleep on it", can be quite useful occasionally! I did. Thinking u mite feel differently a day later. And, u do! Congrats! I believe you'll be fine!