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[Sarah Doepner]

One of the things that crossdressing has done for me was give me a distraction during the slow times since my wife passed away. She knew and supported me in this, but had her concerns and that created limits on how often and when I would dress. Now I find myself dressing nearly every day and even wearing things to bed, something she didn't want me to do.

As I said, this has become an opportunity for me to focus my attention away from my loss to something that gives me some pleasure. Part of the reason I'm able to spend so much time dressed is the weather has been brutally hot recently and no one is venturing out. As the days get shorter, things cool down and some of the family that is visiting just down the lane goes home, I won't be surprised if I start to get out. That is something else she was uncomfortable with (except for the return trips from our Tri-Ess meetings) and I'm wondering if I should continue to listen to her judgement. It's now quite a pink fog, but there is so much that has been turned upside down that I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things regarding my girl side. I'm sure I'll be making a trip to Las Vegas in the fall to get some time out in the "real world", and I'm thinking that I should wait for that.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Advice? Questions I should be asking myself?

[linda allen]

I'm sorry your wife passed away. I'm sure you will eventually find a balance in your life between dressing and other activities. Just give yourself some time.

[Nikki A.]

I've been widowed for close to 6 years now. Like you my wife put limits on my dressing and going out. Since then I have spread my wings as far as going out especially when my kids were both away at college.
I still haven't said anything to them but I suspect that they have some idea. It all depends on your situation, family, job and what the fallout would be if it became public knowledge. I have come out to certain people, including a co-worker or two and no issues.
You must decide what is right for you. Remember once the genie is out of the bottle, she's out.

[suzy1]

I think the closest I can get to this is 6 years ago when I got divorced and started to live alone.
Living alone is no problem for me as I am very happy but it was the time it took to go from dressing when the opportunity presented itself to having the freedom to dress all I wanted to.
It was a bit weird for a long time but Suzy sort of established herself and now I am so comfortable as Suzy.

I don’t know how long its been since you lost your wife Sarah but the loss of a loved one takes time to come to terms with.

My advice would be go with the flow and let your life settle down naturally as I did.


All the best,

Suzy

[Lynn Marie]

I doubt I would ever refer to Las Vegas as the "real world", LOL. Becoming unattached for whatever reason can be an incredibly liberating experience. That, coupled with retirement, opens up all sorts of new vistas for dressing up and getting out and making new friends. There's just nothing more fun than going out with a bunch of classy CD girlfriends.

[Stephanie47]

I have always found my "need" to wear women's clothing increases with increased stress. It offers a degree of comfort or escape. Losing a spouse definitely is a stressful time. I've been married over forty years. Yes, my wife does not approve and it's DADT. Yes, there are stated and unstated boundaries negotiated by marriage. If she were to pass away suddenly, would I enter a "pink fog?" Sure, I would have the opportunity to live 24/7 dressed as a woman. Would I? At home? Surely. But, would I now decide, "What the hell. I'm going out 24/7 as a woman! No matter what the consequences." Sometimes a wife will make you stop to think about the unintended consequences of your actions. How will the community (friends, neighbors, employers, church) react would remain a concern. To lose a spouse is terrible. To compound it by losing a major part of a support group on top of that? I wouldn't want to go forth totally alone. My viewpoint has always been moderation. I would not throw that to the wind.

[Jenniferathome]

Sarah, there is nothing wrong with distracting yourself from your loss as long as the other parts of your life are not sacrificed. I need to add that you can't distract yourself forever. Facing your loss is a process, not an event. You do need to deal with it.

Best of luck

[kimdl93]

Sarah, I'm reminded of something my mother said when I was coping a feeling of loneliness that came with my divorce. Herself widowed by then for a number of years, she said "there's a difference between loneliness and solitude". Her meaning was that one can find peace and happiness in solitude that compensates somewhat for the loss of a loved one.

In your life you now have greater opportunity to express a part of yourself that your restrained in part out of consideration for your wife. Now she's gone and you're left to make a life without her. The sadness and loss, you know full well. Allow yourself to take a measure of happiness from something important to you...don't minimize it by characterizing this desire as a pink fog. It isn't. Your behavior and choices bespeak a person acting with thoughtful consideration.

So, if being yourself more completely suits you and helps you with this difficult adjustment, then feel free to follow that desire, today and tomorrow.

[Dana L]

Hi Sarah, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. My wife knows and supports my CDing but like your wife she dosen't want me to go out. I belive she would like me to be able to go out to to satisfy my needs but isn't ready to accept going pubic herself. We have talked about Dana getting out on a vacation somewhere where being cross dressed would be more acceptable and not near home. I'm sure your wife would want you to be happy and now that she dosen't have to share in the pubicness of going out she would be fine with it. I'ts not much differant than dating, she would object to it while she was alive but she wouldn't want you to alone the rest of your life. So enjoy the "pink fog" see where it takes you.

[Beverley Sims]

probably had a similar experience when I was single and a close relative died.
I found solace in my dressing.

[PretzelGirl]

Sarah, being able to go to a new level is always a tough thing for us to work through. Sometimes it is what should be and sometimes it is a temporary rush of feelings. I know this is a tough time emotionally and that doesn't help. I think it is great that you are having the freedom at this point and is can be very good for the soul during trying times. A trip to Vegas can also be good as it can be a distraction and fill your current needs to get out. That could be important as it gives you time to have life settle in a little more. But I do think that getting out in your area is something you want that extra level of certainty about.

I know you know this and I have faith that you will come to the right result. That may be by allowing yourself to do as you feel you want to or it may be by abiding by her wishes if you feel you should. But given everything you have gone through, it may take some extra time to know that you are making a decision with confidence.

I am always ears if you need them. If you do reach a point where you want to get out in the area, you always know I will be glad to accompany you.

[Leah Lynn]

Sarah, I'm sort of there, too. My late wife and I went out together a few times, but there were limitations. Since her passing I've been dressing every minute possible, and yesterday I discussed HRT with the doctor. I've wanted to be female as long as I can remember, so this isn't a spur of the moment decision. This is finally being free to be me. I live alone and enjoy the solitude. I go to GNO's and CD/TG meetings, so I do have contact with like minded people, and this suffices. I'm good with my situation.

Leah

[weyburn]

Hello Sarah
My wife passed away approx. four months ago and I can relate to feelings of loss,periods of grieving such as sadness,anger and a whole other group of emotions and feelings.I still find doing things by myself that we used to do together can be quite difficult the first time.Lots of first times have varying levels of emotion.I don't think my wife knew about my dressing but she was a very intuitive person and it was something we would joke about but as far as I knew that's all it was.Now I dress for two main reasons I like to do it and more importantly It is almost like I feel a connection with her(which feels good)and try to see part of the world as she may have seen it.Words alone cannot express the sense of loss but my condolences go out to you and yours.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have sorry for you that have lost loved ones. I really have nothing to offer other than that and to observe that there is a lot of good advise in this thread.

[Tina955]

Well my wife passed away in sept of '09(she was not accepting and I abstained from any form of cding for the last 27years of our 34year marriage). Didn't feel comfortable even thinking about cding until about a year ago.
Due to the fact breast cancer took her, I had some serious guilt when I purchased breast forms.
I just pray that she would understand now from the afterlife.

Tina