I'm pretty sure my father found out...

[Cristi]

So I'm married, middle-aged, own my own house, etc. My father lives a few miles away and we've been trying to get him in the habit of of calling before he just stops over. Sometimes he does... sometimes not. I've had more than a few close calls and quick-changes.

I know that he has known SOMETHING since I was a teenager. He and my mom found a bag of clothes in my closet once. The bag got thrown out and he confronted me and I told him I was just 'experimenting'. That was probably 25 or more years ago.

Well, last weekend I got dressed to go out for a bit of shopping. Our house is on a dead-end road, so the most risky part of going out is running into somebody on that stretch of road. As I was driving out, a car passed me in the other direction on the narrow road. It wasn't until it had passed me and I saw it in the rear-view mirror did I realize that it was his car.

As long as the Sun wasn't reflecting off my windshield, he would have gotten a good close-up look at me in full makeup, earrings and hair curled and styled. He probably would also have had a good look at the top of the sleeveless floral print dress I was wearing, and even my painted fingernails.

This was last Saturday. I've been telling myself that maybe it wasn't him, or maybe he didn't notice. BUT he usually calls to talk every few days and I haven't heard from him since then. It has been 7 days.

Now I guess I'm just waiting to see what happens. I can't bring myself to call him, and I really can't imagine how the conversation will go if he calls me and wants to talk about it. I don't think he'd be mad as much as... he's just of the generation who has grown up not having to think about such things. I am at the point where I don't really try to hide my crossdressing much any more, but he is the one person who I'd have a problem 'coming out' to.

I think I'm just hoping he decides to not bring it up, and things can go back to normal. Maybe with the additional bonus that he'll start calling before he 'stops in'.

[Lynn Marie]

At your age there's just not much your father can say or do about what you do or who you are. It's also quite possible he'll never understand or want to. You already know all this. I wish you well.

[Leslie Langford]

From what you've written, Cristi, it was only a matter of time before your father stumbled upon your "secret", and maybe that time has now come.

You need to face this head-on and let the consequences fall where they may. You're an adult now, and are under no obligation to let your father dictate how you lead your life. If he rejects you now for being transgendered - and while that may be difficult for you to deal with - better that you find this out now rather than later so that you can get on with the rest of your life...





o

[Cristi]

Yes, I guess it doesn't really MATTER in the long run (unless he takes it upon himself to tell everybody he knows, which I don't think he will). But I think at any age, any man who has a good relationship with his father still values his fathers opinion of him.

I've had a good relationship with my dad my entire life, but the one thing I will say about him is that he has very strong opinions of things, and I've never been able to change them. If he sets his mind on something, that is it. So trying to call to talk about it isn't going to make any difference if he's already decided what he thinks is going on. Hopefully he'll come to the conclusion that the friendship we've developed over the past 20 years is more important than making a fuss over this one issue.

With that in mind, I think the best course is to let it ride for a while and let him make the first move.

[~Joanne~]

Just call him and say "hey, haven't heard from you in a week and thought i'd check in to make sure your ok" and let it roll from there. Avoiding calling him may only confirm things.

[Beverley Sims]

I am all for staying silent and seeing where the cards do fall.
If you don't call him on a regular basis, don't start now.
On the other hand if you are into calling him regularly, take up Joannes advice.

[Princess Grandpa]

Just call him and say "hey, haven't heard from you in a week and thought i'd check in to make sure your ok" and let it roll from there..

I have to think this is the right approach. If he doesn't call you because he doesn't know what to say, and you don't call him because you don't know what to say, then before you know it a week turns into months or years.

Your right no matter how old you get his opinion kind of matters. I do not have a good relationship with my father. We are civil and see each other from time to time, which is a vast improvement over the past. He lives on his boat not far from Hamburger Mary's. I would feel REALLY uncomfortable if he were to pop in tonight when I was there all dressed up.

Call him! Don't let a good relationship die because you're afraid! You don't need to bring it up. Maybe he won't either. Maybe he will and things explode. I sure hope not but its a possibility you need to keep in mind.

Please let us know what happens.
Hug
Rita

[Shelly Preston]

You just never know what someone may have seen or not seen. Never try to assume too much but be prepared.

How many times have you been on a regular journey and not been able to remember things that happened on the way ?

I would certainly not mention it unless your father brings up the subject.

[Annaliese2010]

My opinion? Efim who cares? He'll be dead soon as we all will be someday sooner or later. GOD! I'm soooo tired of seeing so many TG sisters on the defensive, worrying, wondering, stressing over so much....whatever. We should grow up be assertive. Develop some tude. Just get on in life.

Sorry if that seems harsh. 'Cause on the other hand I understand. STILL though....it seems so old. Boring and suffocating to be caught up in the expectations of older generations. Don't you wanna breathe fresh cool air? FEEL the excitement of the future ever coming? Life should be a guilt free fun filled.... ADVENTURE!

[heatherdress]

While all the previous advice is very good and heartfelt - sorry Annaliese, I think your response is more than harsh. It is callous.

"He'll be dead soon" - I hope you are quite inaccurate predicting the timeframe of someone's death - someone's dad.

"EFIM" - that's Christi's dad, someone who raised her and has had a good relationship with her for the past 20 years.

"Who cares?" - that is an important consideration when we consider our family and loved ones.

You really don't understand. Your self-centered "tude" is insensitive, inappropriate and uncaring.

[kathtx]

:yt: What Heather said.

Annaliese, can you at least try to understand that the OP may find it hard to talk with her dad about this? Please understand that most non-psychotic adults don't want to just tell their parents to F' off. Please understand that *especially* when a parent is elderly, the tension between wanting them to know your whole personality and avoiding risking your relationship with them can be agonizing.

Cristi, only you know how this might affect the relationship with your dad. For what it's worth, I recommend talking with him. Unless you have reason to expect him to react negatively, he'll probably be supportive. And even if he's expressed anti-trans sentiments in the past, he'll most likely come around once he knows a real-life transperson rather than a Jerry Springer act.

Look at it this way: your dad kept loving you despite all the stupid crap you did as a teenager. He'll stick by you through this as well.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read your introductory post. You've been married for twenty plus years and your wife knows and apparently participates. That is enough validation or acceptance. If you feel your father may not approve or worse, demonstrate some intolerance, don't bring up the subject. Let him bring it up. You may find him all atwitter because he may think you let another woman borrow your car, and, ask if you're cheating on your wife.

Nothing you can do except role with the punches.

Also, you may want to convey this chance meeting with your wife so she may be prepared for a private talk with her in-laws.

[Leona]

My opinion? Efim who cares? He'll be dead soon as we all will be someday sooner or later. GOD! I'm soooo tired of seeing so many TG sisters on the defensive, worrying, wondering, stressing over so much....whatever. We should grow up be assertive. Develop some tude. Just get on in life.

Sorry if that seems harsh. 'Cause on the other hand I understand. STILL though....it seems so old. Boring and suffocating to be caught up in the expectations of older generations. Don't you wanna breathe fresh cool air? FEEL the excitement of the future ever coming? Life should be a guilt free fun filled.... ADVENTURE!

THIS. :)

Is there a chance he'll accept you as you are and love you anyway? Even if he prefers never to see it again?

My mom knows, simply because last year when I was living with her and we had our falling out, I went quickly to Annaliese's attitude, and she was accepting, but obviously wanted to talk about it. And couldn't, because we were in the process of severing our relationship over other things.

[NicoleScott]

Yes, I guess it doesn't really MATTER in the long run (unless he takes it upon himself to tell everybody he knows, which I don't think he will).

It could be the opposite. He might have no problem with what you do, but might be embarrassed (right or wrong, another topic) if word got out. He may be your best secret-keeper.
I would let it ride (but don't avoid him). If he really wants to know, he should ask.

[MysticLady]

Yes, I guess it doesn't really MATTER in the long run (unless he takes it upon himself to tell everybody he knows, which I don't think he will). But I think at any age, any man who has a good relationship with his father still values his fathers opinion of him.


Hi Cristi

Yes, I agree. I still value my fathers advice and opinion. But, You are your own man now and he must respect that of his son. If my father ever wanted to discuss this w/ me, I believe I would have no problem in telling him my feelings and asking him to respect them.

[kathtx]

Cristi says she has a good relationship with her dad and is concerned to keep it that way. Were her dad an abusive SOB, I'd agree, she should tell him to take a flying leap. But he isn't, and she shouldn't. She wants and needs to find a way to live openly without disrupting her good relationship with her dad. And that's really the bottom line in any human relationship: how to live authentically and express your needs while also respecting the other person's needs. Plenty of people learn that standing up for themselves doesn't mean knocking down everyone else, and so manage to get along with their spouses and parents and siblings and friends without being either pushovers or bullies.

If your parents and SOs have treated relationships are zero-sum games rather than partnerships, I'm sorry for you and I hope you learn that you can do better. But from what Cristi's described that's not the case with her father and so your advice is wildly off the mark for her situation.


Indeed, Annaliese, I think one thing I've gotten from all the threads I've read about CDers getting caught or whatever, we allow ourselves to be put in a position of weakness from which we have to justify our existence.

Really, we should be asking "Why not? What's wrong with this?" The burden of proof is on the OTHER side, not us. We are. We will be. We always will be. YOU have to prove that we're wrong for it and that we're unhealthy or what-have-you.

And, admittedly, it takes a certain amount of effffff yoooouuuuuu attitude to get there. I've got plenty of it, anybody need to borrow some?

It's possible to be open and unapologetic about who we are without telling family and friends to F' off. You might find that "Mom, Dad, this is who I am, and I hope you accept me for who I am, and if not let's work on that 'cause you're my parents and I value our relationship" will work better than "This is me, if you don't like it F' off". Just a thought, from someone who has a good relationship with her family, spouse, and friends.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Id pick the phone up ring him & say, Hi Dad hows it going & just have your normal natter. the detail being ...natter... every day talk. nothing else,

You have a Dad thats ..........so lovely..........,

...noeleena...

[kimdl93]

Just call him. The worst that might happen is that he asks a pointed question or comments. But the truth is that despite that discovery of 25 years past, you've built a good life. Whatever he and your mother may have feared then, it seems that this hasn't proved any liability in your life!

[Raychel]

Pick up the phone and call him, Either way, if he saw you, or he didn't,
you have to call him, it is you father, If he did see you, then you will need to have that talk.
If he didn't then no harm done,
But either way, CALL HIM.

[stefan37]

You never know how people will react until they do. I grew up in an era where any expression other than male would result in extreme humiation or beating. I suppressed and hid my cross dressing for decades. It reached a cresendo and I have the need to transition. The thing about transitioning is it is a very public undertaking. It can not be suppressed or hidden.

I told both my parents in December and I had some trepidation how my father would react knowing his views on males and masculinity. Well I am happy to report it could not have gone better. My relationship with my Dad is as good as or better than before. When you are with your dad, go about your business as usual and things should shake out.
You may be surprised as I was.

[Barbra P]

I’ve read all of the replies; some are very good, others not so much. You are the only one here who has any insight into your Father and how he views the world and the people and their life styles that inhabit it. Do you regard your father as a tolerant man or does he display bigotry and intolerance? You state that your Father “has very strong opinions of things”, what sort of things? Are these “things” that you are aware of likely to influence how he will regard you if in fact he did see you in women’s attire?

Unless some other event in your Father’s life is also taking place I’d venture a guess that he did in fact see you. One reason for his not calling is because he does in fact disapprove of what he saw, but he also might just be at a loss of what to say – afraid that he might say the wrong thing. Again, you are the only one here who has any insight into what your Father may be thinking about what he saw.

In the movie “Dirty Dancing” there is a wonderful scene where Baby (Jennifer Grey) is talking to her Father (Jerry Orbach); he isn’t speaking to her because he is very disappointed in her. Basically she tells her Father that he can’t just love the parts of her that he likes; he has to love all of her. I’ve always found that to be a very moving scene.

I do agree that you need to give your Wife a heads up so she doesn’t get blind-sided. Hopefully your Wife would come to your defense if needed and explain to your Father that she fully supports you. While I fully understand that you desire your Father’s love and approval, at this point in your life it is your Wife’s love and approval that is of the more importance.

I wasn’t all that close with my Dad for most of his life, not till I was 21 and shipping out as a Marine in 1965 – eventually landing in Vietnam a few months later. When I got out of the Marines at the end of my hitch my Dad was in poor health and only had a little over a year to live. The memories of a boy and his dad should be based on more than just one year. You can’t change who you are, although you might be able to hide who you are from your Father – but then again maybe not. I hope you and your Father can come to some understanding and this incident doesn’t ruin your relationship.

For what it is worth I think you should call your Father. You don’t need to bring the subject up but I’d offer him the opportunity – something along the line of “Hi Dad. I haven’t heard from you in over a week and you usually call every few days. Is everything all right?” It may turn out that even if he did see you, and I think we have to assume he did, he might not want to face it and discuss it with you at this time, but at least you will have offered an opening. I think regardless of how your Father reacts you are better off knowing and dealing with the situation than not knowing. I do think that in time you will know for certain whether or not your Father saw you.

[MysticLady]

Very Well Said Barbara, I agree.