Crossroads

[Nikki101]

Hello all.

I signed up here a while back, and never really made an introduction. Apologies for that. Everyone has a different story, but many share the same undertones it seems. Mine is really no different.

At this point it feels necessary for me to vent. I will likely seek counseling in the near future to see what I can do to reach some sort of a resolution, but thought I'd ask for the advice of others on a forum who may share similar life experiences.

I was born male; I enjoy being a man, and I'm 100% heterosexual. However, I've always had a fondness for feminine clothing; I also greatly admire the female body. This is where my struggle comes in. Many years ago I threw away all of my men's underwear, and I wear panties exclusively. I also wear some women's outerwear on occasion; not much though. Enough to be androgynous on occasion, and to make me feel better about what I am. However, while I enjoy being a man, I hate the body that comes with it. I dislike body hair, I despise the package between my legs, and I would like nothing more than to have the smooth curvy body of a woman. I feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I feel miserable as-is, but my family and work is definitely not transgender friendly, and honestly, I don't want to be a woman. If I could have partial SRS (something like a penile inversion, but with no breast implants or hormones), I'd feel much more satisfied with my body, but I don't know if that's even possible. I also don't know how I would find a girlfriend / wife etc. who would accept a man in such a state.

This is all quite frustrating for me. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and I welcome any suggestions you all may have.

[PaulaQ]

Hey, for some reason I can't PM you. But the symptoms you describe are not uncommon for someone who's transgendered, and are pretty typical signs of gender dysphoria, I'm sorry to tell you. I'd suggest that you find a gender therapist in your area, and talk to them, to sort this stuff out. Be prepared for sorting this out to take some time. There are lots of options, and everyone takes a different path, but I'd really recommend some professional help, particularly since you describe yourself as miserable.

[Leona]

The penis inversion is definitely possible. That's the main way, according to studies I've read, that a man can transition to a woman and still achieve orgasm.

But like you said, you need a counselor. Maybe you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body, and you need to transition to an anatomically correct lesbian, and it'll take a fair amount of counseling to deal with that.

You'll need a new job somewhere along the way, so do good at your current one so you can get letters of reference. Then do your homework and make sure your next job is trans-friendly.

As for family, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family. You may have to draw a line in the sand and say "this is who I am, and everybody who really loves me will stand on my side of this line." It'll be painful, but you'll know where everyone stands.

It's not easy. And you definitely need to get some third-party review of your feelings before you do anything permanent. That's what the counselor is for.

[Jenniferathome]

Your statements do not go together. You can't love being a man AND hate your penis, for example. You really need to see a counselor or therapist who has experience with transgenderism. You have. Lot to figure out and talking to someone is the path for you.

Good luck

[Dawn cd]

You don't really say how long you've crossdressed or felt this way about your body. I don't really understand how you can say you enjoy being a man but hate your package. Maybe it's a pink fog that makes you want a smooth body. However fogs dissipate in time, so maybe you need to live with this for a while.

[Nikki101]

I've always had a desire to crossdress, for as long as I can remember. When I moved out on my own, I was able to start exploring; for the last 13-14 years I've only worn panties, wear girl's jeans on occasion while out, and skirts while I'm at home alone.

I understand what folks are saying about how it doesn't make sense that I don't like my package. It doesn't make sense at first, but let me try to explain. I like the smooth, curvy look of a woman's body; that being said, I would prefer to present as a male, but simply have the same smooth appearance to my body, which would make me much happier. If I were able to get SRS bottom surgery only I would be extremely happy. It's not a pink fog, I've felt this way for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's just finally getting to the point where I believe I need to work this out and talk to others who may be able to provide me guidance, and suggestions to how to cope.

[marlenesexton]

Despite your attempt to explain, your statements don't make a lot of sense. Maybe they do to you. I'm not bashing you, just telling you that to most of us (yes, even a bunch of men that dress up like women) your situation is confusing. I agree, seek counseling. You've got some stuff to work out. Maybe you're desires are genuine or maybe it's a jumble of confusion that a therapist could help you sort through to get to to your real feelings but see someone. Good Luck!

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug Nikki

These issues are well beyond my ability to advise on. Getting a good gender therapist is probably the most important step towards learning to be happy. Welcome to our forums there is lots of good advice and fun stories. However, in the end only you can decide what's best for you. You can only determine that once your thinking clearly and objectively

Rita

[Nikki101]

Thank you all. I've given much thought to everything over the years; I will be scheduling an appointment to discuss with a gender therapist in the next few weeks.

I can definitely see how what I'm saying doesn't make sense to all. I'm not alone in this desire, as there are threads regarding the "smooth look" on the Eunuch archive, BME, etc. However most of those involve either an orchiectomy, penectomy, or both. If I'm going that route, I'd rather just get bottom SRS.

So much stuff to work out. I'm glad I found this forum, you seem like a very friendly and helpful bunch here, and I look forward to getting to know you all over time.

[Stephanie47]

I think several respondents have pretty much summed it up. You need to invest some money in counseling with a gender therapist. Don't seek the advice or counseling from a person who is not a trained expert with experience. That includes members on this forum. Many here will be able to offer their individual stories to show what issues they had to confront on their journey, but, none can offer therapeutic guidance on your journey.

Personally, I do not think it is unusual or odd that you would enjoy doing activities generally ascribed as manly or usually done by men and dislike your "package." Years ago little girls did not play baseball, basketball, hockey, etc. Now the playgrounds and diamonds are full of girl team. Women drive construction vehicles. Women like to fish. And, it goes on. I do not see that it would be a natural progress to give those activities up and limit yourself to baking, cooking, working as a waitress, etc just because you may have undergone a sex change. I enjoy the creativity of baking and cooking, but, that does not confer womanhood upon me.

As to family and friends. I would not draw the line in the sand until you understand what your issues are and the direction you are going to take to resolve them.

[Beverley Sims]

I really cant add any more than strength to Stephanie's reply.
Therapy and guidance seem the order of the day.