Let the CD sit on the hot seat

[Leona]

This is a question for the GGs, but to be honest I'm happy with any answers.

I posted in another thread something I thought was worth discussing on its own.

As a GG who is in a relationship with a crossdresser, you have many of your own insecurities to deal with. Well, as it turns out, so do we crossdressers.

So why not put us on the hot seat? Why not take an attitude that is so completely accepting that we find ourselves on the hot seat?

For example, my wife once wanted to go to the store, and I wanted to change my clothes. Her attitude was that she'd take me to the store no matter what I was wearing, and *I* was the one insecure about that.

Why not push for a girls' night in and do your husband's makeup and have him do yours?

In short, why not put him on the hot seat for a change? Why is it always you that's suffering?

[Lynn Marie]

Okay, so now you're on the hotseat. Realizing that our SO's suffer a lot with our crossdressing, with all the empathy you can muster give us all some of the reasons how we cause them to suffer.

[Leona]

That's an excellent question to which I lack the answer. I believe that the SO's suffer by their own doing. Their own insecurities, if you will. And that's not caused by us.

So, yeah, I don't have an answer to your question because I think your question lacks standing. I realize it was asked in the context of my own question, and my question was asked in the way it was to provoke responses from the GGs. So, I was drama queening. :)

Does that somehow provide an adequate response to your question?

[mikiSJ]

I believe that the SO's suffer by their own doing.

Huh? Leona, you are letting sophistry get the better of you.

[JackieInPA]

um...i thinks I r confuzzled...

[Andy66]

Put a CD in the hot seat by being super accepting? How does that work? And why would someone want to put their beloved in the hot seat anyway?

[Vickie_CDTV]

In many cases (albeit not every single one) the wives are never told and have it foisted on them after they are married and have entrenched their lives together. That's why it doesn't really work both ways. I suppose if a GG wanted a dresser and then foisted her desire on her husband and demanded he crossdress I suppose it could work that way, but outside the realm of fantasy that doesn't happen.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Yes, we do we have a life to live as female is it easy , well no its not we have issues that we try to work through we dont allways get an answer we ...need... .

yet we ...need... to be strong allways listen to every one else yet we dont get understood when we ask so we shoot all around the ? we work through some of our issues by talking about every thing around it why .

men just dont open up & talk. so we as women ...need .... our time / space. as women.

now whats the ? ,

we suffer by our own doing , do we.........hmmm . why do we, & the male does not wont to take any blame for that. right then you dont live where we live or for many of us have lived yet liveing through what we have has taken away what we had from not long after we were born. our insecurtes were from very young so is it any wonder many of us are down troden backed into a corner , like lack of self essteem self confidence let alone self worth,

Heres a ? so you have insecuritys because your a dresser, okay your still a male & you flee back to your male mode if some thing happens, where do we go. up the wall, bail out or depresson room. we dont dress or change, we are who we are all the time.

Ah the drama queen... right, whos the best at that & i wonder why.....

So we then are to change our attitude & be compleatly acceptive to the wonts of the male who dress's who wonts to be like a woman if not be one. & have no responciblity, just the glamour .
Oh did i say , who lives in the ...real... world..... no guess not.

...noeleena...

[TheMissus]

Leona, my H wouldn't suffer if I dressed him - he'd be in heaven! To make him suffer I'd have to burn his 'stash', enlist him in the military and have him sent somewhere third world and top secret. THEN I think he'd understand suffering, lol.

Yes, I am cruel :)

[Kate Simmons]

Leona, my H wouldn't suffer if I dressed him - he'd be in heaven! To make him suffer I'd have to burn his 'stash', enlist him in the military and have him sent somewhere third world and top secret. THEN I think he'd understand suffering, lol.

Yes, I am cruel :)Perhaps not Hon. I've "been there, done that" with all that you have said. It didn't seem to diminish the desire any. Some things just won't go away until we fully address them.:)

[TheMissus]

Kate, I know - wishful thinking on my part, lol. Maybe I need to threaten to send en femme photos to his family. I think that's a 'hot seat' that would freak him completely out.

Leona, you're bringing out my dark side! :)

[Taylor186]

Yes Leona, you can learn a lot about GG "hot seat" psychology from TheMissus.

[candydawn75]

I suppose if a GG wanted a dresser and then foisted her desire on her husband and demanded he crossdress I suppose it could work that way, but outside the realm of fantasy that doesn't happen.
This is kinda how I started CD. My wife wanted to in the bedroom and then well we loved it! I know it was probably always there on some level but that is how I started.

As for the hot seat I guess I am really confused by the ?? My wife encourages me with it. No we haven't had a girls night out per say, but we often do have a girls night in doing makeup, nails, etc. In fact when I get insecure about it she reminds me it was her idea.

So I guess in short I am clueless to the hot seat and suffering that you are asking about.

[MysticLady]

In short, why not put him on the hot seat for a change? Why is it always you that's suffering?

Leona..........Shhhhhh. Don't give them any ideas:heehee:



Yes, I am cruel :)

:eek:...................You Meanie.:heehee:


Kate, I know - wishful thinking on my part, lol. Maybe I need to threaten to send en femme photos to his family. I think that's a 'hot seat' that would freak him completely out.

Leona, you're bringing out my dark side! :)

Everybody............................Thank You Leona.:doh:


Yes Leona, you can learn a lot about GG "hot seat" psychology from TheMissus.

Wise Words.:hugs:

[Andy66]

Ive got it... its reverse psychology, right? Or a joke? Or maybe we are being trolled, to try to cause argments between couples? Good thing this site has some pretty high level troll slayers. :evilbegon

[Jenniferathome]

...As a GG who is in a relationship with a crossdresser, you have many of your own insecurities to deal with. Well, as it turns out, so do we crossdressers.

So why not put us on the hot seat? Why not take an attitude that is so completely accepting that we find ourselves on the hot seat?

written from the perspective a cross dresser, for sure.

[Melissa Rose]

I believe that the SO's suffer by their own doing. Their own insecurities, if you will. And that's not caused by us.

So this is placing all of the fault or blame on the SO due to their insecurities and absolves the behavior of the husband or boyfriend? IMHO, this goes beyond sophistry and is simply wrong. SOs can have many reasons not related to their insecurities for not liking their partner's cross dressing. I live in the real world and not one where the clouds are made of cotton candy, the water foundations dispense wine, and where someone else's shortcoming is totally at fault for their pain and suffering caused by my unconventional behavior.

By being super accepting it places him on the "hot seat"? I'm not even following this line of thinking at all and it appears I am not alone in this regard. Based on numerous posts on this forum, there are many who are begging for more acceptance from their SO. What exactly is the hot seat in this context anyway?

[Chickhe]

I get the OP question. It is about being accepted, but not feeling secure enough yourself or fearful of following through on what you were asking for.

One of the very first times I dressed with my wife she had no fear at all... got mad at me for hiding from people when out in public told me to stand up tall. She said no one would recognize me anyhow, I should act like a woman. Took many years, but she was right. ...kind of like telling my daughter not to swing a hammer like a girl (its just that you have to put the right motion in to it to bury the nail).

[Beverley Sims]

I do my own makeup and rarely get into a hot seat situation.

[Sandra]

I believe that the SO's suffer by their own doing. Their own insecurities, if you will. And that's not caused by us.



Really :Angry3:

Let me tell you something, being lied to for years, having money used for cding issues that is supposed to be for other family/household things, sneaking around and then the coming out and the oh the SO knows so now I can do this and do that without even things how the SO really feels, and pushing things and the attitude of I'm alright Jack so sod everyone else.

Now tell me it's the GGs own insecurities, you really don't have a clue and what you've just posted proves that. Don't you ever try again to put the GGS down like this and put all the blame on them.

[Tracii G]

Andy I like how you think. :D:hugs:

[RADER]

By putting a CD on the "HOT" seat is like Force Womanizing. This is a want by some, and not by others.
Society is just not accepting the picture of a man dressed as a woman in a normal every day seen.
Until that happens, some CDers sneak around and enjoy their dressing in privet.
Now my wife was OK with me dressing, had no problems with it, in fact she would pick out clothes she
thought I might like to wear. But the deal was, "Do not leave the house" "Do not embarrass me".
She was not ready for me to be seen out of the "Closet" as I would never pass as Fem in any way.
I would look like Paul Bunion in a dress.
I know she was rite, I would look like that, but I still enjoy wearing a dress as much as I can.
I think many other GG think much the same, enjoy your "Hobby" but please do not shame "ME"
There are some here that can pas better as a female than real GG's can them selves.
For them, I say go for it. But use discretion as to your love ones and family, remember, they all might
not have the desire as you do to wear a dress.
What I am trying to say I guess, is that everybody has their own levels of dressing, and their own
families to deal with.
Until society can handle a man in a dress like then can dealing with Gay rites, we all must bend with the wind.
Rader

[Lynn Marie]

Amen, Sandra. That pretty much tells it like it is.

[Veronica27]

I get what the Opening post is saying, but it is wide open to a number of interpretations. The usual situation has the CD asking the S.O. for more and more which may be pushing things past her comfort level. Leona is suggesting that the wife take the initiative and ask her CD husband to go beyond anything he has ever asked for in a reverse psychology sort of way. What is not clear from the post is whether a) Leona is suggesting this in a "forced feminization" sort of way hoping to get what she wants while placing the burden on the wife for any repercussions, b) whether she is suggesting it as a way for the wife to turn the tables on the husband and get him to trim down his demands, or c)whether she is hoping that such a move might bring the wife more in line with her real wishes.

While making it sound like it might be b), I think the real intent of the post is c) with a little bit of a) thrown in to satisfy a suppressed fantasy. I believe that many crossdressers, myself included, at times fantasize about being made to dress up and go places beyond our usual comfort zones. It removes the decision making from ourselves and would enable us to go well beyond anything we might otherwise dare to do increasing the thrill beyond our imagination. Of course, the more open and out the crossdresser is, the less the impact of such a scenario. Overall an interesting topic to think about.

Veronica

[Lorileah]

Overall an interesting topic to think about.

and the royal couple lived happily ever after.

Notice how many GGs have responded? Interesting in that many CDs here would think it is heaven. Interesting that same CDs don't have the cajones to go out now as it is, and this seems to be a "let mama hold your hand" so you can play by the street fantasy. As Andy said it seems reverse psychology. That if you get what you want you won't want it anymore. Throw your SO in the lake and see if they can swim...if they don't...oh well. Trade makeovers....yeah your SO wants someone who has not done make up or who OVER does makeup to paint them up. Send in the clowns. I get the idea but maybe you should start with a shared massage or facial. Then you could use that time to discuss your passion for dresses...:thinking: She could relax and get why you need to dress up without having the In Your Face confrontation

I know several SOs who did take the "go ahead and do it" attitude....as they walked out the door. And the left behind CD???? Did they rush out dressed? No, they cried that their SO just didn't get the fact they wanted HER to participate in their fantasy.

[Joanne f]

I understand the question because I would say that I am in that situation as I am always being put in the hot seat .
My wife is completely accepting which means that I could wear anything at any time and I mean anything, so the emphasis is on me to make that judgement on whether it is appropriate or not and in this game you can soon loose sight of what might be appropriate or not if you don't have someone keeping an eye on you so for some it is not as fantastic as you might think it would be to have a complete free hand .
Oh I can hear all the " I wish I was in that situation ":heehee: yes great to a point but you also have to be willing to take the consequences if things go wrong and things can go wrong .

[candydawn75]

Really :Angry3:
Now tell me it's the GGs own insecurities, you really don't have a clue and what you've just posted proves that. Don't you ever try again to put the GGS down like this and put all the blame on them.

Tell us how you really feel!! lol jk I totally agree with what you said! The only blame I put on my wife is not telling me this was her fantasy sooner!;p I could not imagine the hurt of the $$, lies, and such. I have no delusion that others are OK with it or that I shouldn't ask for certain advice from my wife as to whether I am pushing thing in her eyes or not. IF I think it my upset her in any way I just simply ask her. She tells me honestly yes or no. IMHO I think if more of us would go to our SO and just ask "Hey is this to far?? or Hey how do you feel about (insert scenario here)??" then we all as couples would be better off. At least for me I have to think about her feelings too not just mine, because I personally feel that is what best friends do think about the other person as well. Yes I consider my wife not just my wife but my best friend.

[Leona]

Didn't mean to miss this, been gone a couple of days.

Um, the question was meant to put the CD in the same sort of position suffering from insecurities about crossdressing as the SOs suffer. No sexual fantasy intended or suggested. Not looking for anything from my own SO (who is likely about to be an ex-SO anyway). And the only GG suffering addressed is the stuff directly related to things like feeling your feminity threatened, feeling unattracted to your CD when dressed, etc. Some stuff mentioned here, some stuff I've heard from my wife.

The other stuff mentioned, the lying and sneaking around and spending money you don't have, those are very real relationship issues that need to be dealt with that aren't considered in the question and could rightly lead to the termination of the relationship. If you considered that same behavior for a drug addict, alcoholic, or cheater, it's a no-brainer. CDs don't get a free pass at it either.

It really is "Give the CD a taste of her own medicine by pushing her limits as a CD as hard as she's pushed yours". So if she's not ready to try makeup, you push her into doing it, which would hopefully evoke a similar emotional response as when you found her bra in her underwear drawer, or whatever is comparable. Not being a GG myself, and therefore not facing those issues, I don't think I could really go point by point finding comparable things to try, and everybody's different.

So when the CD is looking for acceptance, I think we're generally for acceptance at the same level we accept ourselves. So the strategy of being over-accepting would mean accepting the CD more than she accepts herself and watching her squirm. As a roleplay, not a "quick, get over it" solution to issues. So buy her a set of really large breast forms and a bra and see what happens (if you have that kind of disposable income, that is). And I was hoping to hear from GGs on situations where that may have happened, even if inadvertently. :)

[ErinSassyPants]

I am by far more accepting of my husbands CD than he is. He has given me this look like "crap, you're going to make me choose my boundaries?!?" and said as much, but I still found your original question unrealistic at best and your further comments about all of a partner's suffering being due to her insecurities that she just needs to get over insulting.

Can there be moments when it could be very effective to put the ball in the CDs court? Of course, but is that a cure all or a great idea to try willy nilly? I don't believe so. I have noticed this tactic often works best when immaturity is the issue. It works well on my kids, "You want to eat the whole cake? Ok go ahead" and then watch them feel sick. I like to think that my husband is usually more mature than that.

[Leona]

My apologies, Erin, that I didn't phrase the question so well originally. Also, from my point of view, my wife's suffering was entirely due to insecurities, but we didn't have any of the other behaviors you mentioned that case the GG to suffer, so I inadequately stated my intention. Again, my apologies. I understand there are as many ways to experience these situations as there are couples dealing with them, and sometimes I don't always see it from another person's point of view.

And you're right that the idea isn't necessarily something to try, per se. Like Veronica said, it was something to think about. Where the rubber meets the road, intentionally causing someone to suffer probably goes on your list of behaviors that are wrong in a relationship. :)

[ErinSassyPants]

True, causing someone to suffer is actually against my dearest ethical imperative. Though I'm not entirely sure that there would be all that much suffering on the part of the CDs if SOs who had previously had guidelines suddenly threw them to the wind.:D

I think that what this really brings up for me is a reminder that you can't compare suffering. I remember years ago when my best friend at the time lost her husband and at some point I told her I just didn't feel like I had any right to be upset about anything at all because nothing going on with me was even close to what she was going through and she said "you can't compare pain, your pain is not invalid because of my pain."

I tend to think that the CD/TG/TS is almost certainly suffering more than the people around them who are struggling and suffering with their reactions. You can never escape what is inside of you and I am(and believe most people are) far more able to accept things in others than in myself. My sweet gentle man has been dealing with this since he was young, the doubts it's given him about who he is and his worth as a person are so deep he can't even see them at this point. Whatever I struggle with in regards to his stuff is never going to be as deep as how this has effected him.

On the other hand, you can not compare pain. His struggles can poke buttons(yes sometimes of insecurity) that are as deep inside of me as his issues are in him and that have been there for at least as long. His struggles can make me fear for the stability and continuance of my whole life as it exists now. That is significant and while I completely agree that it is not as significant as the building blocks of someone's soul, it's pretty damn big and if I feel scared or insecure or simply stressed out then that is totally valid.

Thank you for getting me thinking about this. Even if I was crabby about your initial posts I appreciate the thought provoking.

[Chickhe]

When I've gone out with my wife, she gets tired of waiting for me to get ready, so good enough for her might not be perfect for me. So its sort of like being in the hot seat when you need to get it done and go as she has to do most of her life... There is a level that she is comfortable with and I think its looking passable/decent enough not to embarrass her, but sometimes I wonder if she would lead me on for her own enjoyment...one Halloween she let me dance with an admirer and to tell the truth, I was surprised, but we both got a laugh out of it. ...it was something I would never do myslef, but being put in that situation, I sucked it up and did it. Was worth the experience...mind blowing really.

[kimdl93]

wow, I missed this one. Now that I'm caught up, I think the possibly well intentioned, but misguided notion is that GGs could use our transgenderism to their advantage. Honestly, its sounds a bit manipulative to me. And I'm afraid you lost the GGs with the comments that seemed to trivialize their concerns as mere 'insecurities'. As someone else said, I'd be careful what you wish for.