bas1985
07-08-2013, 02:27 AM
Hello,
in the last days I read much old posts and I had some real good advices (indirectly).
I have been given an appointment for a gender terapist on August 8th, somewhat
near my home (about 50 kilometers).
In the last days I have also started to come out to my SO (not my ex wife, another woman). She already knew some aspects of my history (gynecomastia in early teen years, cross-dressing for about 4-5 years then, suddenly, a stop which has been almost total since summer 2010, when I also joined this forum).
But she did not know that I have now gone again in that route. She is really
supportive, thanks God, and she says that if it is a "need of mine" she won't
interfere.
She is really a good person and later she asked me: "What do you want to be?".
This is difficult to answer, I said, and that is why I have taken appointment
with a gender therapist. I said that during teen years the Cross Dressing was
80% feticistic, there was a sort of envy towards women because they could dress
in public and I could not, but there was also sexual desire, something
like autogynephilia, probably.
At that time I made the usual "error" of misunderstanding the difference between
gender and sexual orientation. "I am attracted to women so I am a man", that
was a sort of equation.
But that equation has made me sad for 20+ years and, moreover, in these days
in which I am exploring better my "femme side", I am starting to realize
that I could be honestly attracted to men, but not as a man, but as a woman.
I am still able to be attracted to women, yesterday we made a successful test
and I am still able to make love with a woman, she was also very kind because
I was with shaved legs and chest and she still wanted me. She looked at me, commented
on my whitish skin and my inability to tan (a real pain here in Italy! I have to
wear high sun protection filters all the time) but her eyes were also towards my
chest and my little A-cup breasts (real breasts, gynecomastia) which, without
hair, were more noticeable.
I feel a real bonding attachment to her, I still need her hugs and her kisses but
I am starting to accept that I am not totally there, not 100%, or, better, when I
return to my home, I dress in women clothes and I look at the mirror, I still see
a man there (my make up is still rather bad) but with a feminine attitude toward
love and sex.
In these last days when I do household chores, I do the cooking, I pretend to be
the "housewife" of a yet-to-be-found man and this makes me happy, content, somewhat "at my place".
And the idea of being desired by a man, well... it's good. But, that's the problem,
to be desired by a "straight" man, which sees me as a woman, and this, of course,
now it is rather impossible. And probably never will be possible, I don't know,
probably I will not transition ever... or transition without hormones (my body
is already rather feminine, apart from genitals and face I could easily pass as
a woman, I have ample hips, little breasts and feminine legs).
I am not taking any pills, not even herbal substitutes for estrogen, but I feel
emotionally different, sensitive, calmer. Is it a placebo effect or something? I don't
know but also my breasts are a bit fuller.
Searching in this forums I caught a discussion of some time ago when a boy asked
if "thinking about being woman" could enlarge breasts... there were some cheerful
answers like "well, I would have DD-cups, now!", but there were also more
open, reflexive answers about the power of the mind and, in some way, the
priority of the "mental" aspect over the "physical" aspect.
I feel something like that, even without taking any hormone, the very fact of
"coming out" with my SO, having her support, (she also gave to me yesterday a dress
of her to put at home!, and later the evening she also texted me "I love you", as to
reassure myself of her feelings), being not "at war" with myself anymore
maybe, maybe!, is also starting to make some "physical" change in me.
I don't know. Emotionally I am starting to be different, that's for sure.
This LONG post is also a proof that I am different, I usually was a "closed" man, only
interested in facts and rationalizing everything, but that was only a defense towards
my internal feelings, my inner world. For fear of the "feminine" side to show (it
did show anyway, usually in the most unusual and not adapt circumstances).
Well, this is a "current state photograph" of myself. My journey is long.
I will return to read all of your precious contributions to my reflections, thanks to all for reading this.
in the last days I read much old posts and I had some real good advices (indirectly).
I have been given an appointment for a gender terapist on August 8th, somewhat
near my home (about 50 kilometers).
In the last days I have also started to come out to my SO (not my ex wife, another woman). She already knew some aspects of my history (gynecomastia in early teen years, cross-dressing for about 4-5 years then, suddenly, a stop which has been almost total since summer 2010, when I also joined this forum).
But she did not know that I have now gone again in that route. She is really
supportive, thanks God, and she says that if it is a "need of mine" she won't
interfere.
She is really a good person and later she asked me: "What do you want to be?".
This is difficult to answer, I said, and that is why I have taken appointment
with a gender therapist. I said that during teen years the Cross Dressing was
80% feticistic, there was a sort of envy towards women because they could dress
in public and I could not, but there was also sexual desire, something
like autogynephilia, probably.
At that time I made the usual "error" of misunderstanding the difference between
gender and sexual orientation. "I am attracted to women so I am a man", that
was a sort of equation.
But that equation has made me sad for 20+ years and, moreover, in these days
in which I am exploring better my "femme side", I am starting to realize
that I could be honestly attracted to men, but not as a man, but as a woman.
I am still able to be attracted to women, yesterday we made a successful test
and I am still able to make love with a woman, she was also very kind because
I was with shaved legs and chest and she still wanted me. She looked at me, commented
on my whitish skin and my inability to tan (a real pain here in Italy! I have to
wear high sun protection filters all the time) but her eyes were also towards my
chest and my little A-cup breasts (real breasts, gynecomastia) which, without
hair, were more noticeable.
I feel a real bonding attachment to her, I still need her hugs and her kisses but
I am starting to accept that I am not totally there, not 100%, or, better, when I
return to my home, I dress in women clothes and I look at the mirror, I still see
a man there (my make up is still rather bad) but with a feminine attitude toward
love and sex.
In these last days when I do household chores, I do the cooking, I pretend to be
the "housewife" of a yet-to-be-found man and this makes me happy, content, somewhat "at my place".
And the idea of being desired by a man, well... it's good. But, that's the problem,
to be desired by a "straight" man, which sees me as a woman, and this, of course,
now it is rather impossible. And probably never will be possible, I don't know,
probably I will not transition ever... or transition without hormones (my body
is already rather feminine, apart from genitals and face I could easily pass as
a woman, I have ample hips, little breasts and feminine legs).
I am not taking any pills, not even herbal substitutes for estrogen, but I feel
emotionally different, sensitive, calmer. Is it a placebo effect or something? I don't
know but also my breasts are a bit fuller.
Searching in this forums I caught a discussion of some time ago when a boy asked
if "thinking about being woman" could enlarge breasts... there were some cheerful
answers like "well, I would have DD-cups, now!", but there were also more
open, reflexive answers about the power of the mind and, in some way, the
priority of the "mental" aspect over the "physical" aspect.
I feel something like that, even without taking any hormone, the very fact of
"coming out" with my SO, having her support, (she also gave to me yesterday a dress
of her to put at home!, and later the evening she also texted me "I love you", as to
reassure myself of her feelings), being not "at war" with myself anymore
maybe, maybe!, is also starting to make some "physical" change in me.
I don't know. Emotionally I am starting to be different, that's for sure.
This LONG post is also a proof that I am different, I usually was a "closed" man, only
interested in facts and rationalizing everything, but that was only a defense towards
my internal feelings, my inner world. For fear of the "feminine" side to show (it
did show anyway, usually in the most unusual and not adapt circumstances).
Well, this is a "current state photograph" of myself. My journey is long.
I will return to read all of your precious contributions to my reflections, thanks to all for reading this.