Interesting session with my therapist

[MandyTS]

Hello girls,

I had an interesting session wth my therapist and it really shows sometimes therapists are not out to just go... transistion transition...

We were talking and I was telling her about how I felt about my situation adn my mini RLT. I told her I felt like either a really feminine male or a macsuline female and I could not tell which one. I told her that right now it did not really matter which organ I had between my legs (she said that was typical) and that when I lost my ability to orgasm after a test 2 months on testosterone that I thought I would miss it... and I don't. I also told her that I would never go on testosterone again.

She came back with the question that I was not expecting. Do you still want to go on estrogen and femininze? I told her about Jessi on xtremem4x4 (a show about build off road vehicles) and how I saw myself as here. She is distinctly female but she has no problem tearing apart a motor or getting dirty. I also told here that what she said about girl and boy activities not being gender based and how I really believed that now. I told her I am not sure where the road ends, either SRS or some male state that is androgious but I don't have a whole lot of choice in regards to hormones, I need to pick and this is the best option.

Next meeting I get my letter and she is calling the doctor I want to use this week. I am going on a low dose of estrogen. I don't want to 1. Go to fast or 2. case the massive mood swimgs I got on testosterone. I told here I am not even considering RLT for 2.5 to 3 years anyway if I go that route. I am starting hormones as of January 2006...

Keeping a daily journal now too... interesting.

It is kind of funny what you can discover when you work with a good therapist!

Mandy

[Julie]

Mandy,

I’m happy to read you are having good results with your therapist. I never really thought of any pushing transition but when I look back at my experience I guess that’s what I felt with mine even though she claimed she would never do that because she’d be ‘steering’ me.

I’m in a bit of a different situation as you because I am physically a normal male and never required any medical help in developing this body. There are times I wish I had some physical abnormalities because at least then the outside world would more readily accept the inner feelings I have.

Your concerns about estrogen and comparing that to taking testosterone may not be what you’re expecting. Testosterone creates aggressiveness and other strong emotions like it. Just look at teenage boys who are at their prime when it comes to testosterone production. Estrogen does almost the exact opposite. Many who go on HRT talk about a feeling of inner peace, almost a euphoria. I know part of this is due to the hope that finally they will put an end to the mind-body struggle they have had all their life. But there’s a lot to be said about estrogen’s anti-masculinizing effects. That aggressiveness subsides dramatically and with it goes feelings like anger and frustration and the need to get some release from these. I’m not saying you’ll never be angry or frustrated, just that you won’t feel that male type rage that makes you want to hit something or somebody.

As far as mood swings, I’m not totally in agreement with a lot of what I’ve read. When you listen to genetic females talk about mood swings they are talking about all they go through and that includes a menstrual cycle that causes hormonal fluctuations one could compare to a roller coaster ride. HRT for MTF transsexuals is a steady dose with no fluctuations in hormone levels once an individual has reached that dose the doctor determines is right. While you will cry more easily I doubt you’ll go through anything like what GGs do. Without a menstrual cycle, how could you? I know I never have.

Crying, yes, there’s no doubt you’ll cry more. Sadness accompanies that too. But what is it that makes me cry most? The losses of loved ones I’ve encountered, mostly my kids. I think I’d be crying about that even if I were all hopped up on testosterone. Movies get to me more, I’ll admit that. And I want a loving and meaningful relationship too and since I believe it will be very hard to find the right woman I’ll get down about possibly spending the rest of my life alone. But other than that, if I’ve experienced mood swings, I haven’t felt it. But everyone is different. I believe if you think about it enough you will experience mood swings. The mind is a powerful thing.

Your comments about ‘male’ occupations that females want to get into is only the result of society deciding what’s a man’s job and what’s a woman’s job. It’s antiquated and I wouldn’t concern myself with it. If girls and boys were raised without any prejudice towards following accepted female and male roles I believe you’d find women and men crossing all over those lines and being a lot happier doing what they really want. If you want to tear engines apart, do it! Just remember you’ll probably have to give up any hope of having long fingernails!

I know you’ll do well. I’ve read a lot of what you’ve written and from that I’ve felt the path you’re taking is the path to finding happiness. I wish you all the best on that journey.