Back together?

[Annette Todd]

I had to call and speak with my wife today. This is something I have not done in almost a year. She contacted my employer to ask them to message me to call. :eek: (family emergency)
So ok I called. The emergency was rent was due and she had no money. hmmm "What about the support money?", I asked. Garnished by the court. All of it. So, I sacrificed to help.

So you may ask why I am sharing this? During the conversation she said she wanted to get back together, have me find a local job (I drive a truck for those that don't know me). She said that I would have to stop all of the "crazy stuff". She mentioned polished nails specifically and she knows I have let my hair grow. I told her I am who I am and besides what is the issue with polished nails? I guess my son mentioned my nails were polished the last time I saw him. The answer she gave was she married a man. hmmmm the plumbing hasn't changed.

I basically cut all ties because she has always used me as a wallet and destroyed the relationship and any feelings I had left by harassing me by sending thousands (no exaggeration) of text messages basically telling me how worthless I am and calling me every vile name she could come up with.

I wonder if I am really spineless if I go back. I can't say I have any attraction to her anymore nor any desire to share the same roof again. I admit it would be nice to have a more normal life than the nomadic life of an over the road trucker. But I can't really say that would be the life I would want.

She is disabled and has a guardian ad litem (court appointed representative). Therefore, it's most likely one of us has to die before the other is single. The thought has crossed my mind to make her the single one.

I would appreciate any thoughts or insights any of you may wish to contribute.

Drink heavily,

Annette

[Cynthia Anne]

Sounds like a train wreck to me! Life is full of choices that we all have to live and die for! Choose carefully!

[Leona]

Don't. Go. Back.

Think of it like a 12 step program and take it one day at a time. You've survived a year without her, don't throw away the progress you've made in that year.

There are support groups for divorces around. I joined one here in Austin during my first divorce.

[Genny B]

I would have to have a serious heart to heart talk with her of what she expects and what you expect and see if the road can be ridden on together. I take marriage vows very serious, but I also know that you don't have to live together to fill those vows. Just something to think about. Best of luck !

[RADER]

I would put the truck in gear, and petal to the mettle.
My EX took me to cord 5 times in then first 18 months of out divorce.
She always wanted more this and that. I would mail her checks, and she would lose them.
After while, the Cort started to take over. they would cash the check, and take out 3%
for a handling fee, thens send her the rest. Well she would forget to cash them or lose them,
and she would take me to Cort for the missing support money. But I had paid it, had all the
canceled checks. The Court charged her $ 1200.00 in court cost and she did not get a dime.
So run for the hills, change your phone number, and hide.
Let her relatives bail her out.
Rader

[MissTee]

Forget her. Forever. I'd get an inflatable partner long before I'd even think about going back in to that.

[ronny0]

Why does the name sugar daddy jump to my mind.
Move on, forget about her, once she has some $$ she will kick your aws out.

[Annette Todd]

a little clarification...
I have been on the road 8 years. Home time was not very often, typically about 20 days per year. I have not been "home" in 2 years. The last time there was any intimacy is almost 3.

That train wrecked a long time ago. But, since we a still legally married this year will be our 23rd.

I am not giving up what I now consider the normal me. Most of my clothes are now women's albeit jeans and various tops. I don't have much drab left except shirts for camouflage. I don't walk into the truck stops with just a cami or racer back.

[lingerieLiz]

You have a son. I'm guessing that you want to do the best for him. I don't see the advantage of going back to her, but you need to think about him. I've seen guys walk away from their children, but I've seen the heart ache they suffered.

I can't give you advice not can anyone on this site. You need to talk to some professionals about what needs to be done.

[Christinedreamer]

She has PROVEN to you repeatedly what type of woman she is. You learned a valuable lesson; don't throw that away. Steer clear and let her relatives deal with her.

[Annette Todd]

Thanks for the replys so far. I have been better off without the stress.

Living under a roof would be so much nicer than on 10 wheels. I am getting pretty boring to talk to. I keep having the same conversations all of the time with me. Lol

My son is 21 and needs to find his own path.

[Jason+]

My son is 21 and needs to find his own path.

Annette,

He is old enough then to see things as they really are. Being who you are is pretty important, and he will have to accept or reject that as he sees fit. Give him all the help and attention he needs or wants to help make that decision. Marriage vows only work if both people are willing to honor them and that should mean more than calling when the bill collectors are at the door or to remind you how little she thinks of you. Unless the disability you mention is mental then I don't see any ground for accepting that treatment from her.

[AmyGaleRT]

All right, Annette, I'll express my advice in the imperative. Run, do not walk, away from this woman. Her offer to "get back together" has TRAP written all over it. The feminine part of yourself is something you can't just give up. You can try, but you'll only succeed in making yourself miserable. Your son is a legal adult and doesn't figure into the situation between you and your--I hesitate to use the word "wife" because she doesn't act like one even though the relationship may still be "on the books" legally. (There must be some procedure you can follow to remedy that...)

If you want to settle down, I suggest establishing yourself in some area far, far away from her. You don't deserve the grief. No one does.

Ultimately, Liz is right, too; you need specific, legal (and other) advice, far more than a bunch of T-girls on a Web site can give you. Seek it out.

I wish you the best of luck, sister.

- Amy

[MysticLady]

So you may ask why I am sharing this? During the conversation she said she wanted to get back together, have me find a local job (I drive a truck for those that don't know me). She said that I would have to stop all of the "crazy stuff".


She still demands while asking you to help her:doh:. She's quite the character.





I basically cut all ties because she has always used me as a wallet and destroyed the relationship and any feelings I had left by harassing me by sending thousands (no exaggeration) of text messages basically telling me how worthless I am and calling me every vile name she could come up with.


Completely immature and childish. Wants you to hurt because she hurts. Did anyone ever tell her how love is supposed to work?





She is disabled and has a guardian ad litem (court appointed representative). Therefore, it's most likely one of us has to die before the other is single. The thought has crossed my mind to make her the single one.


I suspect that you are still in love w/ her, just got tired of the BS and Drama.
I know the feeling all too well.



a little clarification...
I have been on the road 8 years. Home time was not very often, typically about 20 days per year. I have not been "home" in 2 years. The last time there was any intimacy is almost 3.

OTR is very tiresome and lonely. I understand your feelings on the matter. Too bad the wife is how she is, if not, she may be w/ you on the road but, not until she learns to behave!




I am not giving up what I now consider the normal me.

Good. You're in a position to set this straight w/ her. Tell her your expectations and you will not accept any less of her. Plus, tell her, silence is Golden. :shutup: and do as I say, period.

[Jenniferathome]

I basically cut all ties because she has always used me as a wallet and destroyed the relationship and any feelings I had left by harassing me by sending thousands (no exaggeration) of text messages basically telling me how worthless I am and calling me every vile name she could come up with.

... I can't say I have any attraction to her anymore nor any desire to share the same roof again. ..

Why would you get beck together? You wrote it all. How is this even a consideration? What am i missing here?

[AllieSF]

I don't understand why you just don't divorce her? Can you clarify that. I agree with others that she is probably trying to get you back for your financial support. Keep away from that and seek that legal advice. The pain and frustrations of the divorce process will be nothing compared to what you may suffer trying to be nice to her. Good luck and please make the right decision for you.

[BOBBI G.]

I think you already know the answer. You told her I am what I am after hearing her demands. You have to be happy with yourself first, and there is no way I can see that happening if you go back to her. That's just a train wreck waiting to happen, again. At you own you could come off the road, but only at your own time. Sorry, I got the tee shirt hanging in my closet. If you feel obligated to help out on occasion, fine, but don't allow it to become a habit. It could be used in the courts to increase support payments if she chooses. Just my thoughts.

Bobbi

[candydawn75]

I basically cut all ties because she has always used me as a wallet and destroyed the relationship and any feelings I had left by harassing me by sending thousands (no exaggeration) of text messages basically telling me how worthless I am and calling me every vile name she could come up with.


In this sentence you know your answer. I know divorce can be hard (been there done that in a similar situation), but if the first time you heard from her in a year that was in anyway cordial, this is all you will ever be.

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi Annette,

Given what you have shared, you'd be insane to go back under those conditions. If she is as you say, keep those ties cut altogether. She is a grown woman. Let her finances be her own issue. You have a right to rebuild and be free of all that mess. I personally would not touch it with a ten foot pole. She comes to you with all that and then tells you to redefine your life for her. No way.

Good luck,

Kalista

[Jill Devine]

...The emergency was rent was due and she had no money....
...I basically cut all ties because she has always used me as a wallet...

She is still using you! Wake up and smell the coffee. You are being too kind and too caring - she knows it and will use you over and over.

[kimdl93]

Sure she wants your wallet back...it seems she can't manage on her own. But you are meeting your obligation to the children through support and she has the court appointed representative to help manage her affairs. Stay the heck out of that mess and do not for one moment let her attempt to manipulate your life again.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Annette, Do you really think that she will change, I think not.

[Tina B.]

She needs you, but only on her terms, so what's in it for you, a house? Sorry, I would rather live in a cardboard box, rather than give up who I am, and you have a nice rig to live in. Talking to yourself still beats sitting and listening to someone berate you for who you are all the time.
But she needs you. so what you going to do, live you life, or hers.

[Dawn cd]

When given a choice between two options, choose the third! Returning home is not realistic (unless, of course, your SO stops her own "crazy stuff"). But living out of a truck is not realistic either. Isn't it time you started to create a new home for yourself?

[Sabrina133]

Annette, why, given the relationship you've just described, would you possibly go back to her especially under the terms she set - "to stop all the crazy stuff"?

[Jennifer in CO]

Annette,

a suggestion....if you wish to assist your wife then by all means do so. BUT...don't just take her cash or give her a check. Call the Judge and ask him if its ok for you to "help her out". You don't want to get into trouble and/or if the court is aware your assisting her it goes a long way in your favor.

[Tracii G]

No way would I cave in and take her back not after the way she talked about you.She doesn't love you she just wants your money.
She apparently does not manage money well so thats not your fault.
If you want to help her out fine but tell the court its a one time gift and its putting a strain on you financially to do so.

[reb.femme]

Hi Annette,

Everything has again been stated, that I myself would have contributed. Damn this difference in time zones. :sad:

I watched and heard over years, my dad physically abusing my mum until I was 14 years old and stood in between them. I got introduced to the living room door for that gesture but the beatings stopped. My mum stayed with him until she died in 2002.

It is strange how we as human beings, seem to even consider staying in or going back to such hurt, but people do. Please, please, please for your sake alone, stay away. You're doing fine now going forward.

Sorry to lay my history on your thread, but I hate to see a fellow human re-trap themselves because we have such a grand ability to remember the good times and let the bad fade in our search for happiness.

Reb x

[Jodie_Lynn]

My Dad used to tell me that there were three sides to every story: your, theirs, and somewhere between, the truth.

Not knowing your life, or hers, I wouldn't presume to tell you what you should do. But, I can tell you what I would do in your place: stay out! If the situation and the break-up were that bad, do you really see it getting any better, especially since she is already issuing directives?

[Annette Todd]

I don't understand why you just don't divorce her? Can you clarify that.

The reason for the guardian ad litem is because she has been deemed legally not competent. So the GAL is to look out for her interests. So, any divorce would have to be approved by the GAL. That renders the likelihood of said divorce improbable at best. Not to mention the added costs.
I already have a support judgement. I get to pay but without the satisfaction of being shut of the ball and chain.

[STACY B]

Rents Due ? She needs to call the Landlord not you ,, Put the Hammer down an Let it Roll partner ,, There's more places to live than Hell !!

[Annette Todd]

What am i missing here?

Thanx Jennifer,

To be honest... I wish I knew.


She doesn't love you she just wants your money.
She apparently does not manage money well

Tracii,
You pegged that one.

Annette


But living out of a truck is not realistic either. Isn't it time you started to create a new home for yourself?

I have been living out of my truck for 8 years now. It isn't much of a life. It is more like being just another accessory. She gets most of what I get from my military retirement and VA benefit and the IRS takes another big chunk. So at this point there isn't enough left for my own place.


Someone also said that maybe I still love her... I have been used since "I do". The sex was pretty good but that doesn't make up for everything. She has apologized before and went back to being worse than before. So no there aren't any feelings left.

The rent issue has another side to it... She lives in my son's apartment (that she selected for him because he was to lazy to get out and do himself). I cut them both off. So she had to use the money she gets from me to pay his rent. If it doesn't get paid, he gets evicted too. Nice catch 22. I should have mentioned that before maybe.

Much as I suspected you all are confirming what I have come to believe.

All my life I have been the rock, provider, steadfast, and reliable. It is hard to step away from that to look out for number one.

Annette

[Maria 60]

You know what they say about the man who works late and a lot. "If a man would rather be at work, you know he's not happy at home". When my wife asked me if she wasn't accepting of Maria when I told her if we would still be happily married for 27 years, I responded probably not. I guess you know how I feel about you situation. Stay focused and remember what ever you decide the most important thing is that you are happy.

[TeresaCD]

Hiya Annette.
I think you said yourself - she doesn't accept you as you.
And is happy to abuse you when she doesn't need something.
The life you would want - that's the one you're looking for, as you wander.
Stay strong, be you, and drink less. :battingeyelashes:

[Alice B]

I think you are still nothing more than a wallet to her. Danger

[Annette Todd]

:love:Thank you all,

Thanks for the honest if not brutal (lol) feedback. That is after all what I asked for and expected. I think it is fair to say that you have confirmed what I already knew. I just needed the affirmation to bolster my resolve. I value what you have said and keep it all in mind.

Thanks again

ps I don't drink but the sentiment seemed to fit the situation. :ale:

[jillleanne]

Your title to your post says it all in a negative way; " back together ". Yes, together you go backwards. If your post is accurate, she has not changed at all in accepting any of 'her', so what would be the logic to sharing lives? Be patient, the right woman will come along, and lay off the booze; crutches break too.

[Laura912]

Based on your profile picture, you are still young as in middle aged...maybe thirties. One of these days you will partially retire from long hauling and maybe do short hauls. When you do, you will want to start that house and home you look for now. And you will want a stable, non stressful environment. You have made the effort in this pass relationship but she will not change. Stay in forward gear and do not back up to the way things were. Give yourself an opportunity to find a better SO. Get a lawyer although you may be avoiding that because she will try to use CDing against you in a divorce.

[Rileyaz]

Why does the name sugar daddy jump to my mind.
Move on, forget about her, once she has some $$ she will kick your aws out.
Actually sugar daddy, but without the sugar. Don't go back.

[Rileyaz]

Annette, why, given the relationship you've just described, would you possibly go back to her especially under the terms she set - "to stop all the crazy stuff"?
Anette,
You did take her advice to "stop all the crazy stuff" a year ago when you got divorced. Why would you break back into prison?

[Annette Todd]

Based on your profile picture, you are still young as in middle aged...maybe thirties.

Laura,

You are too kind. I hit the half century mark last year with another b day just around the corner. Some day my life will settle down, that is true. I sure don't want to be an OLD trucker. :rofl:

[Princess Grandpa]

The reason for the guardian ad litem is because she has been deemed legally not competent. So the GAL is to look out for her interests. So, any divorce would have to be approved by the GAL. That renders the likelihood of said divorce improbable at best. Not to mention the added costs.
I already have a support judgement. I get to pay but without the satisfaction of being shut of the ball and chain.

This should not in any way prevent a divorce. If her court appointed rep won't agree you sue for divorce. The judge will award it to you I'm sure. Get a lawyer. Do nothing without a lawyer.

Hug
Rita

[Julogden]

Don't even THINK about getting back together. It would be a big mistake, IMO.

Carol

[SabrinaEmily]

There's one word for a woman like this -- abusive. You said it yourself. She used you as a wallet and harassed you constantly, then went all "I can change" when it was convenient for her. Classic emotional abuser.

I think you know it, but you need to cut ties to the maximum extent possible -- if you can, completely. You don't owe her anything.

[mikiSJ]

Annette - take Rita's advice and get a lawyer. The GAL must look after your wife's best interest, but he cannot force you to be in the relationship other than for monetary support.

[Chickhe]

The best thing to remember, he emergency is not yours anymore. Make it take some effort on her part and I guarantee she already has someone else to leach off. For someone doing the asking she has a lot of demands. Run the other way as fast a you can.

[Beverley Sims]

I think twelve months separation would help make up your mind.
She does have a carer to help her.

[donnalee]

Is her disability physical or mental? I just don't understand why you can't sue for divorce. There is not a chance in hell that you will ever be a couple again. Since you are traveling, it may be possible to establish residence in a more hospitable state and sue from there. She has likely claimed that you abandoned her and the court, not hearing your side, has made you financially responsible for her in lieu of the state.

[ErinP]

Take care of yourself. What brings you peace and happiness is what you should do. I'm tied to a settlement as well. She has made things very difficult. But I choose to make the best life I can. I hope you can as well.