Wife found my clothes

[Stephy]

Hi all,

My wife was on leave to look after the kids and suddenly decided to have a clear out of the garage. She found my stash of clothes which I had hidden in a suitcase. This is not the first time she has found out - about 8 years ago she found out about my dressing up. Back then, she was very unhappy about it, and I got rid of the clothes and stopped doing it. But the urge didn't really go away and I recently started buying ladies clothes again. I bought a lovely sweater, leather-look skirt, tights, ladies boots, bra, panties and makeup. What do you think of my pic?

Anyway, my wife is not happy about it. She wants me to be "all man" and especially hates the idea of me going out dressed up or the kids finding out. What should I do?

Thanks,
Stephy

[lingerieLiz]

Well what did you think. Eventually most all of us get caught. You need some talking to her and maybe some serious counseling.

[Jason+]

Love the outfit personally. You have much bigger fish to fry. My experience has been much like most here that the part of you that likes it isn't going to go away. It's time for some honesty with yourself about your needs and wants and how important they are i.e. what you are willing to risk to satisfy them followed by a slow and patient conversation with her and at her pace about it. What ever you do DO NOT make promises you can't willingly and reasonably happily keep! From what you wrote "I'll stop for you isn't a promise you can safely make."

If she will talk to you about it all go slowly and keep in mind it's a good old fashioned trouser wearing opportunity. My wife isn't a fan but we have worked over years to come to a compromise acceptable to both of us about it.

Best of luck to you both.

[Princess Grandpa]

I have to agree. It's time for soul searching and hard conversations. You have to be honest with yourself as we'll as your wife. I wish you all the best. Please keep us advised how this progresses.

Hug
Rita

[Jenniferathome]

you need to talk to her about this. Tell her everything. Get it all out. She may still not like it, but you can't bury this without discussion

[Jolene Robertson]

Hi Stephy,
Since she has already known from before, you had might as well deal with it now. She will always be looking and you know it will not go away. Just my thoughts.

Good luck
Jolene

[Jana]

I see no easy way out; it's time to "man up" and talk to her. Most of us go through it. Let her know this isn't a "phase" or a fad. Let her know how you feel about her and the relationship. Be honest, be open. If need be, don't hesitate to seek help from a counselor (preferably one with experience), especially because you have children.

Good luck.

[Amanda22]

I'd like to hear her detailed definition of "all man."

[kimdl93]

Well, first off, lets not worry about how you look. As others have said, You have bigger problems.

It's time to sit down...first by yourself or with a counselor, to clarify what you want, what part CDing is going to play in your life and how to talk about the subject in a constructive manner with your wife. Then, when you've clarified your thinking, sit down with your wife fora conversation...likely the first of many...to understand her fears and feelings, to discuss yours, and if possible, work out an arrangement that'll mutually satisfactory.

By all means, quit hiding things.

[Kate Simmons]

It gets bad when the one we love expects us to fulfill their fantasies or illusions. I had a similar situation after I told my wife about things. Basically I had to "woman up" so I could "man up". In other words I had to take on the role of a woman temporarily using my "stash" so I could maintain my role as a man and being her husband. It got complex sometimes with all of the feelings involved. It's easier for sure after she left me.:)

[linda allen]

The cat is out of the bag, so to speak, so it's time to deal with it. Personally, I would share her concerns about the children finding out, especially if they are young children. No child should be put in the position where his school buddies are teasing him about his daddy "dressing like a girl".

Obviously you want to continue dressing, at least once in a while, so you are going to have to discuss this with your wife and figure out how you can do this and keep it from the children.

Of course, she may not accept it herself so it's a matter of how much she loves you vs. her expectations that you be "all man". Many of us have accepting or at leat tolerant wives. On the other hand, many of us have lost their families over crossdressing. There were probably other issues as well in these cases.

[Kaz]

Sage advice all round. This is an opportunity to get it all out though as others have said. Though that may not end well.

If you are like most of us this will never go away so it is crazy denying it. Talk it through. This easy to keep hidden from young kids, but they will find out eventually... mine did when they were adults. One daughter saw me dressed one day.... she handled it well and even offered to buy me something as a holiday gift.... then my wife discovered my photos..... I got too relaxed................. now they all know!

So talk it through... we all have the same but yet different journeys through this...

Kaz xxx

[Sabrina133]

Since she found out earlier and thought you'd stop and now knows you havent, probably better to get it all out. I suspect if you don't, it will only fester.

[BillieAnneJean]

Ramp up your all man husbanding ever so slightly and continue ramping it up.

Never present enfemme around her.

Ramp up your affection to her ever so slightly and continue ramping it up.

If she asks you why tell her that you have a little bit better apreciation of her viewpoint now.
Billie

[Stephanie47]

It's time to "Man Up," as in sit down and have a discussion with her. Her definition of being "all man" is the typical response to a woman discovering her husband likes to wear women's clothing. Yes, counseling is needed-FOR HER to understand cross dressing. Basically, a gender therapist can guide her through her discovery. And, I would also recommend joint counseling to learn how to meet the needs of both spouses. If she understand this is a part of your inner self and it will not disappear, then hopefully she will accept it. And, hopefully a compromise can be negotiated. If not, then the issue becomes whether YOU can suppress your inner self to conform to her standards. Frankly, being "all man" does not have anything to do with wearing women's clothing. That may be fodder for another thread.

Hiding stuff from her is not going to work now. She will forever suspect you of hiding your wardrobe. My best solution is to enter a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" relationship with established boundaries. She does not want the kids to find out. That's fine. So, you keep your wardrobe secure from the kids. She does not want the neighborhood to find out. That's fine. So, you either don't go out or you take an overnight stay at Motel 6. Everything is negotiable in a marriage. What is not realistic is for her to expect you to stop exploring who you are.

[Dani Lee]

This is what worked for me....
First, be her man.
Second, communicate. Let her know you are still her husband. Explain how you are still the same person and how you hated hiding this from her.
Give her time to digest...

(This next part should be done carefully)
then maybe take her shopping. Just maybe she will see an outfit she thinks you will look good wearing.

[Chickhe]

Just show her you have no qualms about it and just tell her its fun, harmless and is cheaper than doing some other middle aged stunt... maybe because she knows, you introduce her to it more and let her see? Kids will believe its just a costume. The main thing is, if you are not about to change your lifestyle, then its similar to any other unusual hobby.

[franlee]

I bet your wife would change her mind if she was in the place my wife is, finding my last "got to have" radio, knife or hunting equipment. My Cding is a shared activity but the rest is far more expensive and she doesn't get much out of it. She couldn't stand for me to be more "all man!" But to be fair always encourage and offer her the chance to share in the fun and participate. What more could she ask for? Mine knows I could and have indulged in the extracurricular activities that wives don't like, so CDing is great to keep me satisfied and out of trouble.

[daviolin]

Your strapped in to the roller coaster now. Enjoy the ride. It will end someday. Daviolin

[marlenesexton]

Come clean and resolve to be honest from here on out. You've been lying, whether you see that way or not she probably does. On the other hand, don't make it worse by trying to deny who and what you are. She needs to at least accept this is a part of you even if she doesn't like it. If she won't, you've got decisions ahead of you. Can you abandon dressing and be happy, can she learn to accept or is it time to go your separate ways. There is middle ground and you and she need to find it, together. Counseling might help.

[giuseppina]

You've received some good advice above, Stephy. It looks to me that the CDing is part of you and it's best if you come clean. Marla GG's thread about how to disclose is relevant here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=). I'm sure there are others, but this one struck me as very sensible.

Perhaps you can persuade your wife to open an account here. The big thing is no pushing and no dressing for the time being. Your wife needs time to adjust to the new reality.

If the sticky about not telling in the Loved one is any indication, chances are good she will be wondering what else you've been hiding from her. I'm not trying to be nasty here, just giving you warning about what you may be facing.

Good luck. We want to know what happens.

[5150 Girl]

This is why I'm a firm advocate of full disclosure early in the dating process, BEFORE there is to much EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT!!!
I have to admit though... Telling my Polar Bear was actually a non issue for me. I was dressed when we met

[heatherdress]

You are obviously a bad hider and your wife is a good finder.

Good advice already given.

Seems like you have already had some discussion if she is worried about the kids and doesn't want you to go our dressed. Keep talking. Good luck.

[Princess Grandpa]

This is why I'm a firm advocate of full disclosure early in the dating process, BEFORE there is to much EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT!!!
I have to admit though... Telling my Polar Bear was actually a non issue for me. I was dressed when we met

This is by far the best policy. Many however fully believe they can just quit to get married and nobody needs to know their dirty secret. Of course we all know how that goes

Hug
Rita

[Lynn Marie]

I really think you've got your priorities really screwed up. You're at a major crisis point with your wife and you're showing me a picture of a guy in nondescript clothing asking what I think. Go down to your local fire department, stand in front of their smoke evacuation fan, and blow away the pink fog you're floating around in. Save your marriage and family first then learn makeup and have your wife take your pictures.

[JenniferR771]

Good advice above. Did she ask if you were a crossdresser before she married you? I thought not. She wants you to be all man... so...join the Army. Get a job as a lumberjack in Alaska. Smoke cigars. Go fishing. Stop shaving. No girly after-shave. And don't help out around the house.
Ask her to be all woman. No pants. Pantyhose and heels every day. Long nails and makeup. And no short practical hair.

[Beverley Sims]

Stephy,
To get a wife to accept you as a woman you do have to look feminine.
I see a man in a dress, I am sorry try harder and work on that marriage first.
That should be for life, CDing is a recreational activity that will have to be pursued later.

[noeleena]

Hi,

First off you will need to look at your self, how do you see your self as a person how far do you need or wont to take the dressing to. is this just the start of you really wont it to go further like liveing like a woman , or just okay id like to dress now & then or every few days, think out what you need first ,

Then sit down with your S O & talk about how you see it. even write it down & explain the reson or reasons why you are this way explain whats going on in your mind .

I dont know how your S O feels though as a woman id pretty much know how she feels & why.i know what it would do to myself & thats common knowlage .

Listen to her understand how she is feeling in all this dont think as a male think from her side as she does understand she married a male not another woman so see it from that stand point.

The clothes could be part of the issue ,is there any thing else besides this, what i see is its not just the clothes its every other detail that goes with dressing that can very quickly kill a relastionship. so think about all aspects from both sides,

...noeleena...

[Davena Doll]

I dig your boobs. All black IDK. Maybe some contour. pink and black leather stands out. I don't think wife's just want to clean out a garage on a whim, maybe she just wanted to rummage though your shit, from your story you have priers. As far as my kids go I just tell them my stilettos are in my closet for Halloween, so she wants an "all man" just get an F series pick up truck she'll get over it.

[laurie01]

You need to find a wig store and go in there dressed like that. The girls will help you with a nice wig and advice on makeup and an outfit. If you are afraid to go out in public then just put your male clothes over that and undress in the parking lot and walk right in.