A Bad Night

[Darcy]

I took a friend home from a bar last night. He had too much to drink. He told me that a friend of ours told him I was a crossdresser. I was really kind of shocked and didnt know what to say. I told him I didnt know what she was talking about and she was crazy. When I returned to the bar I ask her why did tou tell him that and she denied it. Then I found out that my wife told her this in confidence. My wife has known for ten years now and even buys me clothes. Im a mess. My wife is sorry and ask me to forgive her. She said she needed to talk about it to someone and she trusted this lady. I said she needs no forgivness because I had given her this situation and its a hard thing to deal with. I love all our friends and I dont want anything to change. Not sure what to do next. Help me

[Kate Simmons]

Do nothing Hon. If they are really your friends nothing will change.:)

[NV Susan]

Hi Billie...If anyone knows something it's going to get out. Trying to "put the cat back in the bag" is going to be hard to do.

[kimdl93]

Of course, this is far from an ideal situation. But, is it fair to say that your friend was willing to open up to you, and willing to talk about the subject? If that's correct, its rather sad that you backed away from the opportunity to be honest.

As for your wife, don't hold it against her, or her friend. People make mistakes. She does need someone to talk to and unfortunately once that conversation begins, it can go in unpredictable directions.

So now, why not make the best of it. First, you and your wife should talk with her female friend to clear the air. Second, you need to talk with your male friend. But before you do either of these things, I hope you can believe that people are far more accepting of their friends than you have imagined. And remember that CDing is not a crime nor a perversion. Its just an interesting part of who you are.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I've had similar experiences. It was a hard lesson but it's too late for me. The lesson is to tell NO ONE as hard as it may be because it'll come out somehow. But it's all now water over the dam. My ex many years ago let it all out. Nothing I can do about it. The family of my accepting wife I've known for about 25 years knew about me before we married and we didn't know it but they accepted every other part of me. My wife was shocked a couple months ago when I told her I found this out. This is the hardest secret to keep especially in a small town.

My advice? Keep your head high and do all the usual things anyone would do. Accept the fact that others may know and that you don't know who. "Living well is the best revenge." I'm 60 and retired and I'm beyond those who may have known about me at work and only hinted at it. Today I say F 'em because I live a fine life. Some of my perceived "enemies" don't.

Your wife needed an outlet. We've got to understand that. Perhaps she made a poor choice of a confidant? Just forgive her. We all make mistakes. Move on. Ask her to talk with you first and if needed, there are professionals or support groups to talk with. If your friends are real and genuine, they will remain your friends. I've gained TG and CD friends who are more warm and loving than those I "thought" were my friends. You'll do fine!

Cheryl Ann

[franlee]

Sounds to me as if you handled it as well as, could be. It reminds me of the all to true advise from the X-files, "Trust No-one!" But that is a miserable way to live.

[Gerrijerry]

Actually it might be better with it out there. Less to hide and worry about. Makes it easier for your wife also. By the way. Wives do need to vent about many things to someone other then there spouse. You handled it correctly not blaming your wife. My wife told her best friend that I was TS. Soon after that many others new. It changed nothing in our lives until I went full time female. That was the first time anyone said anything to us. 90% good things I might add.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Do nothing Hon. If they are really your friends nothing will change.:)Exactly. He went to the bar with you yes? He trusted you to get him home, yes? Just carry on. Maybe have a talk with him. "Sorry I denied it the other night, but you caught me by surprise. Anyway, you cool with it?"

[reb.femme]

I sort of agree with Kim, it was a shame you didn't 'fess up' when the situation arose. However, would I have done differently? Probably not!

You're denial may have been a blessing in disguise, insofar that you can revisit this question with your friend under the guise that you didn't want to discuss this whilst either of you had had a drink. In your own words, "he'd had too much to drink". On the point of your friend bringing this up. Did he sound ready to talk or was it phrased more as a challenge? I ask purely from thinking how you might want to revisit the burning question. To tell or not to tell? If you tell, you'll soon know how much of a friend he is.

I let my wife tell her sister as an outlet for her, but god knows who the sister in law has told :heehee:. Your wife is definitely to be forgiven. Just my opinion, but SOs need an outlet for the burden we place upon them.


It's just too good of a story to not tell if its not your secret.

Oh,....and yes to this :devil:

Reb

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug

I don't know what else to say. Hugs make everything better. /giggle

You should be proud how you responded regarding your wife. I'm sure they sometimes need to talk. When my grown son walked in on me I realized even if he accepts me, which he does, his circle of friends must know. It's just too good of a story to not tell if its not your secret.

Be proud of who you are and tell your wife you love her.
Hug
Rita

[IleneK]

I completely understands your wife's need to talk to someone. Maybe you can suggest she join the forum. I am new here, but have found it very enlightening and I have complete respect and admiration for the other GG's on the Board.

[Jana]

That's the problem with secrets: everybody's got a best buddy to spill the beans to.

I agree with Kate, do nothing. This situation will actually help you see who your real friends are.

Be well.

[StephanieJ]

My ex wife "outed" me to a couple friends and to my surprise, nothing changed. It was interesting when they let me know that they knew because I didn't deny anything and just said, I would be glad to discuss any aspect of it at length anytime they felt comfortable doing so. To date none have taken me up on the offer. They just prefer to ignore the issue as if it didn't exist.

[Lexi_83]

I was outed to a bunch of friends by an angry ex-girlfriend. A few disappeared from my life, the rest were pretty much the same other than being more curious or teasing me at times. That is by far counteracted by the fact that you no longer have to hide from everyone, all the time. It actually turned into a positive.

It is terrifying at first. You're totally not alone, one of the first things that happened was a woman approached me about where to buy high heels for her husband, who had been crossdressing for years. They were planning to go on a date!

[marlenesexton]

Good advice. Help your wife find a way to talk about it that doesn't involve "trusted" friends. You might want to just come clean to these couple of friends, explain to them what it is you do, why you prefer to keep it private and ask them for their silence. Being told directly and asked to keep the secret might be enough. Maybe you'll get lucky and the drunk friend won't remember any of it.

[Tracii G]

Just own up to and don't act any different your true friends will stay.Let your wife know its OK.

[Princess Grandpa]

one of the first things that happened was a woman approached me about where to buy high heels for her husband, who had been crossdressing for years. They were planning to go on a date!

That's awesome!
Hug
Rita
P.S. I'm still giggling

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Billie, You are out there now make the best of it.

[Julie Gaum]

A new member, Ilene, beat me to it. Your SO solely needs information that you, obviouly, haven't given her or at least not enough to allay her fears. Seeking a therapist might blow this situation up more than maybe needed; so why not have her join up here as there is a forum, FAB, especially for her? Guaranteed she will find it an outlet as well as providing answers to her questions.
Julie

[Maria 60]

My wife almost made the same mistake a few years back but luckily she talked to me first. Our neighbour had separated and she was over a lot and one day my wife told me why not tell her about Maria I am sure she will be good about it and it would give me more time to dress when she was around. I told my wife I choose to stay in the closet and I feel very safe there and I was happy with only her knowing. She decided not to tell her. A few months later they had a argument and she was back talking my wife to all our friends and then I told her could you imagine the fun she would have had with me now. She said maybe I was right the closet is a safe place. No one can keep a secret and everyone loves dirty laundry. If she would tell someone I would be a little upset because she didn't talk to me about it first but as long as she realizes that she opened the closet door.

[Kelly DeWinter]

The only place a secret can be kept is between your own two ears. Really sorry you had to learn this way, but homo sapiens sapiens are social creatures and the worst thing you can do is ask someone to keep a secret, it's like putting a cork on a bottle and place it on a low flame, eventually the cork will pop.

[nvlady]

Your friend already knew. The girl that told your friend already knew. Since the issue just now came up, they haven't been acting differently towards you, so where is the problem?

[Debglam]

Just own up to and don't act any different your true friends will stay.Let your wife know its OK.

:yt: OWN it! You don't need to take out an ad or anything but be proud of who you are! People take their cues on how to react to this, and other things, from you. If you act like this is no big thing then it won't be.

Debby

[Alice B]

No harm, no foul. Everything will be fine.

[Stephanie47]

Darcy, you cannot undo what has been done. I suspect, if your wife confided in a friend, she has some misgivings about cross dressing. Years ago my wife told me the hardest part of my cross dressing was the inability of telling her most trusted confident, her cousin. She thought cross dressing was totally over the line of normalcy.

She told me, if I ever told her secrets to anyone, she would divorce me. I never would have told any friends, family members or acquaintances any of her secrets.

And, she told me she wished she had never told me any of her dirty laundry because it would have made it easier for her to play the victim card and sit on the pity pot.

And, some wonder why a deeply closeted cross dresser never tells ANYONE!

When the Jeannie is out of the bottle, she does not get back in.

[VirtuaGrl]

Right after my wife found out she told a friend of hers. I never knew she had told that friend until a few months ago they had a falling out and it appears that the friend had shared the secret with a few others in our circle of former friends. Our friend never let on to me that she knew, which was a little bit of a shame as we're close in size and I could have gotten a few "hand-me-downs" from her and the three of us might have been able to go out together on a girls night out. ;)

[UNDERDRESSER]

It is terrifying at first. You're totally not alone, one of the first things that happened was a woman approached me about where to buy high heels for her husband, who had been crossdressing for years. They were planning to go on a date!Yes! High Five!

I don't think my GF has told anyone, except for a group of younger girls that she mentors, she did that anonymously when discussing gender issues. "A close friend of mine likes to wear women's clothes. " Their response? Same as hers, "Oh Cool!"

I think it possible she's told her sister, but if so, I"m not bothered about it, her sister is pretty open about that sort of stuff. When her 3 year old said "Why don't I have dress like Sally's?" her response was to plan a shopping trip.

[Chickhe]

...but did your drunk friend seem shocked? I think the problem is being ill prepared. You didn't know what to say because you thought it was a secret. ...since your friends know already maybe time to stop hiding. One reason I dress up on Halloween and I'm pretty bold about it in some ways although its usually in trusted company is so that people know I do dress up sometimes, they don't know why, they just see me do it. It is great because there is no shock, nobody asks about it because they saw me do it and I respond with 'why are you asking?'. Its all attitude, decide there is nothing wrong with it and your problems are simple. You don't have to include your friends in it, but don't try to hide it all. They probably understand its personal and if its a guy friend...just tell him it has benefits in the bedroom and he'll probably give you a high five.

[ErinP]

Wow! This exact same thing happened to me. About ten years in, purchasing of clothes, participation, all of it!

I suggest that you sit tight for a bit. Let the others come to you with their questions. Keep the relationships as normal as possible. It will be like navigating a busy waterway for a while. But hang on to your patience. You were right that it's been tough for her. Just like we finally have to tell someone. So do they.

Good luck. I will be thinking about you.

-Erin

[Beverley Sims]

Do nothing, say nothing wait and see what transpires.

[Taylor186]

As Henry Ford II once famously said, "never complain, never explain."

[Darcy]

Thank you all for your responses. Im proud to be a member here and I hope I can help others out when they need a friend. Update is that we are staying normal and my wife still wanted me to say I forgive her so I said it. Have not seen my guy friend yet but my wife her girlfriend and I are good. Thats a relief. We kidded about havingh a girls night out lol wouldnt that be cool. So so far it has been a positive and thanks again for all your thoughts ,cd s are the best and kindest people I think Ive ever met, Love you all.

[Lorileah]

Own it, never deny because it will come back to bite you. Evidently it wasn't an issue BEFORE you found out they knew, Don't make it an issue now. But never lie about it. Lies look worse on your resume later on.