Mourning a trans person I never met

[JamieG]

I recently learned that my brother and his wife lost who a dear friend who was openly trans. Unfortunately, I never got to know her; my brother lives far from me and I don't get to see him as much as I would like. Yet, somehow this has touched me. Maybe it's because this transwoman was about my age? Maybe I am touched by the love and support that my brother and wife showed her when her own family became estranged from her? I don't know. :sad: If she was friends with my brother and sister-in-law, I know I would have liked her. Now I'll never get a chance to meet this amazing person.

This has got me thinking, though... I should eventually be open with them about my own transgender nature, based on what I now know, I'm sure they would be supportive. But now is not the time. I need to give them some time to heal. This is not the time to be selfish...

[mikiSJ]

Maybe you could use the death of their friend to open up to your brother and SIL. I understand your thoughts about their need to heal, but if you were to open to them now, it may add to their love of their friend knowing that she was not unique.

[kimdl93]

definitely give them time to grieve. But some day, perhaps a conversation will occur...a chance for them to reminisce abut a dear, departed friend and a that moment, you'll be able to say I understand just how she felt.

[pedalpusher]

Sorry to hear this....let time pass and speak with them! Best of luck

[UNDERDRESSER]

Sorry to hear this. Did her passing have anything to do with her nature? I hope she wasn't the victim of a hate crime.

[JamieG]

Thanks everyone for you thoughts.


Sorry to hear this. Did her passing have anything to do with her nature? I hope she wasn't the victim of a hate crime.

No, she died of natural causes, but I don't know if that makes it any better. It is still senseless and she was relatively young.

I learned today more about her family. Apparently her parents want nothing to do with her, even in death. I just can't fathom this. How can you so totally reject a daughter because she didn't grow up to be the person you wanted her to be? I mean I realize that she isn't the first transperson to be disowned, and unfortunately she won't be the last, but in my mind this kind of treatment is sheer evil. :Angry3: Whatever happened to forgiveness and compassion? If she was a drunk driver who had accidentally killed someone she would probably have gotten a fairer shake than this. When will the hate stop?

[giuseppina]

Parental rejection happens more often than most people think it does. The child need not be trans or gay. In some cases, it is a power struggle between the parent(s) and the child.

[Amy Lynn3]

Jamie, I feel your pain. Why do people need to be haters all the time ? I have two children of my own and nothing they could ever do would seperate me and my love for them.

[Beverley Sims]

I would wait till the subject comes up in conversation later in the year and try to discuss it then.

[Rogina B]

As I see your situation,you missed a possible friend because of your "need for secrecy". Perhaps when you talk things over with your inlaws,you will learn what it was that they liked so much about this person and steer the conversation from there..Over and over,people get kicked to the curb by their families for being different.That is why I find helping out the "queer kids" support networks [many around the country] to be so very important and rewarding. I encourage people to find one to help.

[stephNE]

Jamie, I think I know how you feel.
At about the same time as when I joined this forum, another gal in a town close to me also joined. For a couple months I followed her posts as she talked about coming out, beginning the trans process and problems she was having with her (his) wife. She has not posted here in many months. I still think about her and wish I had reached out to her so we could keep in touch. Maybe I could have helped her. I hope all is OK, but fear something bad may have happened.

[Sheren Kelly]

.... I need to give them some time to heal. This is not the time to be selfish...

Jamie, I think you are on the mark here.
This is a good lesson that life is short and we need to cherish the people in our lives. If your brother doesn't know of your femme side, then does he really know you? Once the grieving has past, you should consider having a chat with your brother & SiL.

[Bree Wagner]

It's amazing how many connections we narrowly miss and how easy it always is to be surprised by people we think we know really well. I'm glad you found an avenue to eventually bring this up with your brother, but I definitely think you're taking the right approach.

Good luck Jamie!

-Bree

[JamieG]

A little update. Apparently, the family is not evil. First, they didn't know she was TS until 6 months ago. They were estranged for different reasons. Also, I heard the mother and sister met with some friends of the deceased and wanted to hear stories about her life. The mother even tried to use the correct pronouns, and although she slipped a few times, I think that's forgivable.

I haven't spoken to my brother and SIL yet about me, but I did tell them that I was proud of them for being good friends to a TG person when she was in need.

[ronda]

Hi Jamie it is good to hear that the family was more excepting and looking for memories to hold on hope you are doing well Hugs Ronda

[Lynn Marie]

Hi Jamie, I just love your last sentence of your original post. "This is not the time to be selfish." How beautifully thoughtful, kind, and courteous.

[heatherdress]

Jamie - Sorry for this loss and the sadness you feel. I think the thoughts others have offered are very good. You seem like a sensitive, caring person and I hope this sadness will bring you an opportunity to become closer to your brother and sister-in-law, whatever you decide to do.