Sympathy and Empathy

[Veronica27]

I have read a number of threads recently where the opening post has dealt with the issues involved in making the decision as to whether or not to venture out. In many instances, when women are dealing with a problem in their lives, and wish to discuss it, they are usually seeking empathy, which is generally what they receive from their female friends. However, if they discuss the same issue with a man, they tend to receive sympathy. The sympathetic approach tends to want to solve the problem, but solutions are not what was being sought.

In the mentioned threads, there was a great deal of sympathy offered, but I did not detect very much empathy. This raises a couple of interesting points. As crossdressing men, are we in fact looking for sympathy and not empathy, thus revealing more of our male nature than some of us might think is the case? Similarly, as crossdressing males, are we revealing even more of our male nature by wanting to solve the raised problems rather than commiserating with the OP? Or is there a genuine seeking of some empathy which would tend to reveal our feminine side, which is being overlooked? In fact I also detect a fair bit of lack of empathy or sympathy for some of the problems, as often the solutions are coupled with phrases such as "what does it matter what others think", "just do it", "grow a pair" and so on.

So what exactly is the difference between sympathy and empathy. They are very close and different sources will give you slightly different definitions of each. However, most are consistent with the following: Empathy is usually a much deeper emotion than sympathy and empathy usually, although not always, includes a dash of sympathy as well. Empathy is the ability to put yourself mentally and emotionally in the other person's position, and to have a deeper understanding of what they are experiencing, whether or not you have experienced something similar yourself. It is also very non-judgemental; you understand but don't necessarily approve or disapprove of the situation, and expressions of empathy are very limited. You listen, but say little. Sympathy, on the other hand, more often comes from a shared experience, and is accompanied by expressions of sorrow, pity, concern and a desire to provide help.

In the threads in question, sometimes the poster is hoping to find some suggestions that might alleviate or reduce his problems, but I get the feeling that mostly they are just looking for someone to listen to them. They are certainly not looking for someone to tell them to stop being a coward, or words to that effect. The need to remain closetted for many is as real and as deep as the need to crossdress in the first place. When that is the case, communication with others and companionship are extremely difficult to find. The support groups are filled with people who, although they may have been very closetted at one time, are now very much out there. While there may be lots of sympathy and the accompanying advice that goes along with it, there is a growing lack of empathy for the status of the closetted crossdresser. Forums are their only option, but they are often met with unintentional hostility, and this may account for the large numbers who register, but quickly disappear from the scene.

I think that most closetted crossdressers have a latent desire to be at least a little more out of the closet than they currently are, but their need for privacy is very real and overcomes that desire. We are not talking about a small inconsequential group of people here, but in all likelihood the majority of the community. Their concerns are not whether or not we have TG rights, but are simply to not have themselves and their families embarrased, to not lose the respect of those they love and not have their lives turned upside down by something that may not be all that relevant to them in the grand scheme of things anyway.

We are an online support group. The following quote is from the Wikipedia page on support groups:

" Many people who use online support groups are simply seeking informational support. Others are looking for a means to feel like they are not alone. For this reason, 97%[3] of people who use online support groups are lurkers, or people who read messages without posting their own comments. People who were most likely to post were those who were looking for empathy and emotional support."

Veronica

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is if you throw questions out there to those who are basically a group of strangers, you have to be prepared to receive a variety of answers Veronica. Granted, many folks hope to find listening ears, but as you, yourself, pointed out some figure that their own situation fits all and will comment as such. It's hard for some folks to put themselves in another person's place but I don't think it's necessarily because they are male but because they have more immediate and personal concerns.

I have noticed myself that many here try to solve others' problems rather than just listen but if they really want to be like women as they purport, that is exactly what they will do--listen! We all have these inherent feelings and abilities but due to their caring nature women seem to do much better with interpersonal dealings than men do in general. It's not "rocket science" to show empathy and be empathic but we actually have to pay attention to the feelings of ourselves and others to develop this skill.

Thanks for posting this observation. Hopefully it will inspire us all to show more empathy towards one another.:)

[Beverley Sims]

I do a lot of listening and sometimes grab the wrong end of the stick because I read the OP's comments and generally reply to them.
I sometimes read replies and sometimes I am swayed by their comments.
I prefer to give my own views.

If you go to a race course to bet on a horse because you think it will win, look at the fitness and condition and suitability of the horse against others and avoid the racecourse touts.

[kimdl93]

I had to mull this one over a bit since first reading the post yesterday. heres my take: To me, empathy is a starting point, not an end in itself. Personally, I think if all we do is offer empathy, or sympathy for that matter, the forum becomes functionally one dimensional. People come here for a wide variety of reasons and some may indeed simply be seeking a place to express their personal issue(s) or frustrations. Maybe all they seek is a willing listener and a bit of empathy. But we also have people who lament a situation and cry out for more than simply understanding. They directly or indirectly seek advice and direction. And they get all kinds, often a cascade of conflicting advice reflecting the particular experiences and biases of those offering. That's ok. We don't need to all agree in a discussion group in order to be helpful.

Beyond that, there are times when we see a train wreck about to happen. These elicit responses that are appropriate to the situation. Think, for example, of the recent thread by a CDr who had told three GGs, but not his wife...and asked about keeping his stash at one of their homes. He wasn't seeking empathy, he was seeking advice, and in that case the consensus was loud and clear. Sure we don't know the details of his marital relationship, and cant predict how coming out to his wife will play out. But we can see an imminent threat and point it out.

I also think the notion that women would sit empathetically, but idly by is simply wrong. Look to some of or regular and well regarded GG contributors. I submit that they very actively participate and offer a great deal more than empathy.
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[Barbra P]

I disagree with your definition. For me empathy means understanding and experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another, empathy involves understanding the emotional state of other people. But empathy stops there and doesn’t go beyond the understanding and feeling of someone else’s state of mind.

We need a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience real sympathy or compassion. If we don’t understand another’s state of mind and feel their emotions to some degree we can’t feel sympathy for that person. If I empathize with someone I understand and feel what they are feeling. On the other hand if I’m sympathetic I not only empathize I also feel compassion and concern, and I want to make their life better.

I read countless posts where I empathize with the poster, I know exactly where they are coming from, I’ve been there, done that, I know what they are feeling because I have felt the exact same feelings. However I may not sympathize with the poster and empathy alone isn’t enough to make me want to reply, something else in the post has to elicit a reply, something else has to elicit concern and sympathy.