Another therapy session. Thanks for helping

[Princess Grandpa]

I have been thinking about how I react to the thought of going out in public. I'm not really sure what it is I'm afraid of. I go out regularly now with painted nails. I have worn my new shorts out and about several times and I intend to replace my male wardrobe over to lady's wear pants and such. However, the thought of putting on the wig and make up to go to the mall or whatever freaks me out.

I'm not really afraid of violence. While I know it exists, I also know a lot of you girls are out there. One has to be careful for sure, but I don't see the risk to reward being a real problem. So what's the real fear? People will stare and point and laugh?

For the last five years my primary shoes have been Heelys. If your not familiar with Heelys, they are tennis shoes with a wheel in the heel. I'm a 50 year old man rolling around like a little kid. I pride myself on the fact that I'm a middle aged man with a middle school mentality. I thrive on people pointing and laughing.

So what's really the difference? Why does it make me giggle when I'm rolling around the store to see all the reactions yet puts me in near panic as I'm carrying my dress to the fitting room? Perhaps somewhere inside I'm not quite as accepting of this side of myself as I think I am.

Julie pointed out that the Heelys generate reactions ranging from admiration to amusement to scorn, rarely is there outright hostility and judgement. Skating around the store people might look at you like you're a crazy old man. Dressed as Rita you feel you're being looked at as some sort of degenerate or something.

I suppose there is merit in that theory but only makes me ask again, am I really not as comfortable with the new me as I think I am? It's all still very new I guess. I know Julie would love to get out there in the real world with her new bestie.

Hug
Rita

[Rogina B]

It is the reality of how many would view you that bothers you in my opinion. In your eclectic presentation,you are seen a whimsical,or clowning around...and that's fine. If you choose to present as a female,THAT carries a whole lot different "judging criteria".. as to what is acceptable and not a spectacle. I am quite sure your wife would prefer to have you present in a feminine manner,and not draw needless attention to yourself and herself if she is with you. There are people on here that have strong opinions and enjoy running around "half baked" for various reasons[thrill,attention grabbing,"cause they can",etc]. Some don't see their presentation as a way that could ever affect the perception of the T community in a negative way. I am not so sure "half baked" is a good mode..My opinion only!

[kimdl93]

Obviously, you aren't as comfortable with revealing the feminine side. I think your wife nailed it.

[Launa]

You might need to have people point and laugh at you because it might make you feel validated right off the bat, a kind of a release. If you do things this way then people can help you make a public scene.


Its like a real fat person taking off their shirt and making fun of themselves to try and get a laugh out of everyone. I don't recommend making yourself a nuisance in the public eye. If you're going to present as a women in public then look your best, be respectful and you'll go a lot further.

Don't people hate it when the kids wear those roller shoes in stores? If you wear those shoes dressed as a woman, I'm sure you'll piss some people off.

[I Am Paula]

I always look forward to your posts. Sometimes I disagree with your choices, or say 'newb', but in general I'm a bit jealous of your obvious zest for life. You and the Mrs. must just have a ball. You just keep on doing what feels right. Don't you dare conform, we need people like you!

[Princess Grandpa]

I suspect Julie is right. When I'm in "normal dress " the attention drawn with the Heelys is usually positive. The occasional scorn or disgust with the old man who won't act his age, is far less prevalent than the reactions of amusement or admiration. When walking Fremont St it felt different. The looks I received felt loaded with revulsion and disgust.

While I believe Julie is right, I just don't understand why it would bother me unless on some level I fear they are right. As I explore my feelings about this I can find no emotion going on other than joy at the freedom I feel. Right up until I think about places to go in public then I feel a sense of nervousness that's nearly overwhelming.

It might just be a timing thing. Six weeks ago I was lying to myself. Perhaps with more time...

While I suppose "half Baked is the way a few see me, the purpose of the Heelys is not to draw attention but they are just plain fun. The reactions I get are serendipity. The whole middle aged man with a middle school mentality is just me enjoying life. I tried acting my age. It sucked so I decided to be happy instead. Now I sometimes choose to not act my gender. /shrug. As I feel good about where I am in life today it surprises me that the reactions bother me at all. I gave up caring what people thought about me years ago. Or so I thought.

I don't have a need to have people point and laugh. I wear the Heelys for the same reason I paint my nails. It makes me smile inside. Were it not for the people pointing and laughing I could easily grant Julie's desire to go out and about with Rita. Julie is not at all bothered by the reactions of Johnny Public.

I appreciate all the input. Thank you very much! It helps me ask myself questions and evaluate my thoughts and emotions. I look forward to reaching the point where not acting my gender responses affect me no more than the ones for not acting my age. I really believe its a conditioning thing. The more I get out there the easier it will get. *He says hopefully*

Hug
Rita

[Princess Grandpa]

I think my fear is that on some level I'm not as accepting of myself as I think I am. I do have a gift for denial. I can't find any signs of not truly embracing Rita other than caring what they *waves his arms vaguely* think when I go out.

Hug
Rita

[Beverley Sims]

Rita,
It will take time for you to realise what you want and where you want to go.
There is a lot of experimentation and hit and miss episodes will be the norm for a while.
Once you get your feet on the ground and gain confidence there will be no holding you back.
In the meantime be careful an cautious.
Take your time it comes to us all eventually.

[Wildaboutheels]

PG, it's nice to see a newbie, who obviously has a good grasp/grip on things and "get's it". Dress in whatever fashion you enjoy, like, or makes YOU happy. Or "comfortable". It will show both in your face AND demeanor and THAT is what JD public will respond to along with how you treat and interact with them.

As far as your nervousness about dressing in public? I think it's natural Human behavior regardless of age or sex to be at least a bit apprehensive if nothing else when we start learning or doing anything that is new, different or unfamiliar to us. Many of us here, [as well attested to] have been out hundreds or multiple hundreds of times and I imagine every single person was a bit "nervous" in the beginning.

Good for you to have a supportive partner. Just go at your own pace and do what feels "right" to you. You have been here a month and have not yet fallen prey to the biggest Forum MYTH of all. [that there s a right way and a wrong way to do this CDing thing] With 319 posts under your belt, that bodes well, IMO.

[Princess Grandpa]

My wife is not only the most wonderful woman on earth she very well may be the smartest as well.

It occurred to me I have very little difficulty proclaimingthat the items I'm buying are for me. With only a moments embarrassment, I am able to hold out my items for the SA to see as I enter a fitting room. I have asked SA's to help me find things in my size on more than one occasion. Other than my daughter and my professional contacts I don't care who knows about me.

When we walked Fremont st. the only actual insult that landed on my ears was a young woman calling out "hey look matching Fags!" That didn't phase me at all. In fact it's kind of become our rallying cry for us. We look at each other and quote the ignorant child and giggle. The other people however, The ones that looked with surprise or whatever emotion might lie hidden in their looks, they were the ones that reduced me to a state near panic by doing nothing more than being there.

I can handle, even get a giggle when people realize I'm buying for me. The thought of meeting those same people dressed terrifies me. It makes no sense. Julie and I were discussing this when she points out "letting them know you wear women's clothing threatens your comfort zone. You can deal with that. Presenting as Rita threatens their comfort zone. That is what you have trouble with.

I have no argument for that. I feel happy and content with who I am discovering I am. Imposing myself on others is where I get into trouble. /shrug I guess that has always been a thing with me. Never really liked to impose on people. So working on the assumption Julie is right here, and she usually is, I'm just not sure what if anything to do about it. I think I will continue as I have. Try and get out a little more and a little more. Stretch the muscles slowly and see if I can't make it out there someday. And in the meantime keep giggling.

The only real pull I feel to be in public presenting is my desire to please Julie after all her support she deserves it. I know however if I am never able to go anywhere but Hamburger Mary's fully presenting she will accept that too and shop with her bestie without the wig.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your input
Hug
Rita

[Barbara Ella]

Rita, i think you said it in your last post where you say you are happy discovering who you are. You are just now discovering. You are exposing yourself to new situations and feelings, so you can be expected to be apprehensive. As you continue to discover, the fear will subside, and you will just want to do it. I bet there are a lot more people who use the Heelys, that you may be aware of than there are crossdressers who you know who go out in public, which adds to your confidence in going out as you do. It is fun, and you know that there are a lot of people doing it. On the other hand.......not so many. You are alone, you are unique, you only have your wife at your side. You are fighting a public perception that is not supportive, so of course you are nervous

give yourself time, and all things will come to you.

Barbara

[Princess Grandpa]

I am still stuck on this one. I really need to get a handle on it. We are starting to make friends with some of the southern California ladies. These are some of the sweetest, nicest, most fun girls you could meet. It's been a long time since we had friends to hang out with and I cant imagine a better group. They get together for outings from time to time and I know Julie really wants to go out with them. Frankly I do too. I'm just irrationally terrified at the thought of being out in public.

I tried jumping in the deep end in Vegas. That didn't go all that well although there was a lot learned. Mostly I learned how scared I could be and not wet myself. I have been hanging out at Hamburger Mary's each tgirl night and this is a ton of fun. But that's really just the kiddie pool. I need to figure out some small step that is a good stretch from the sheltered environment of Mary's and my car but not quite being on the beach in a bikini.

Hug
Rita

[Lorileah]

Take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day :) Don't try and push being in public until you are ready. Mary's is OK to relax and feel part of the crowd but it is noisy here (Colorado,,,I assume everywhere) and it is the drag crowd. Have you looked into meetups? Maybe there is one where you can grab lunch with others?

[Princess Grandpa]

I realize you are right of course Lorileah. This isn't something I want to push to hard to fast. I feel like I am letting Julie down. Sometimes there is a wide gap between what I feel and what reality is. /shrug She is quite adamant that we will get there when I am ready and if I am never ready that is fine with her. Of course this only makes me more anxious to be able to do these things with her. I see in her eyes as she talks about their upcoming beach trip how much she would like to be able to get out and socialize more. Heh I even considered showing up in dude form but felt that would be kind of inappropriate.

I feel fine driving around in the car. I mean who can really see me anyway. Obviously Mary's is a safe place so I have a great time there. Except clubbing isn't really my scene. I look like a spaz when I dance. I'm a bit hard of hearing, have been since childhood, so chatting and getting to know my new friends is tough. Maybe a good next step is a park or window shopping at an outdoor mini mall. Someplace where there are people so I can get accustomed to the gawking but not so many people that I feel overwhelmed. I think I saw in my area a *tries to think of the appropriate word* a center. Like a senior center if you will only for the lgbtq commnunity. I found it on one of my many web searches after this began a few weeks back. Maybe I can stumble across their site again.

Other than disappointing Julie, I think my biggest concern is I don't understand why I am so freaked out about going out there and I don't like it when I don't understand myself.

Hug
Rita

P.S. community center thats the word I'm looking for. Boy I have killed too many brain cells over the years.

[MysticLady]

I suppose there is merit in that theory but only makes me ask again, am I really not as comfortable with the new me as I think I am? It's all still very new I guess. I know Julie would love to get out there in the real world with her new bestie.

Hug
Rita

Hi Sweetie, It like learning too ride a bike. First, you're all scared, then happy that you can do it. Next thing you know, you're doing backflips, wheelies, power skids and all that. Don't forget, while learning, we tend too fall and get bruised and all scraped up but, do we stop because of that? HELL NO.:hugs: