Does anyone else feel approval is better than passing?

[Amanda22]

Like most or all of us, I do my best to pass. However, I have somewhat masculine facial features and I'm 6 foot three inches. I do the best I can and I think I sometimes even pass.

As good as I feel when I tell myself I pass as a GG, the wonderful feeling I get when I'm "read" as a crossdresser and given a smile of approval/appreciation just tops everything. I know I'm still in that stage of insecurity when a stranger's knowing smile and approval will make my week, or a stranger's glare of disapproval will send my confidence down the tubes. So perhaps I'm just addicted to approval.

Yet I feel that just being myself and being known and appreciated as myself without trying to appear as something I'm not is the ultimate goal of mine. When I don't try so hard to appear as a GG but relax and let it flow, I enjoy myself more. I will add, too, that I really admire those of us who go about in public as a mixture of male and female; they're just being themselves and it's just a different version of what I try to do.

I'd be interested in other's thoughts on this.

[Jenessa]

I don't pass, so yes, I am happy with acceptance.

[AmyGaleRT]

You have an interesting point, Amanda. There are circumstances where I'm pretty sure people know exactly what I am, such as at the Black Crown (which has a decent LGBT clientele), but they still treat me exactly as what I present as. That form of acceptance can be as good a feeling as passing. (Especially when I get such nice compliments the minute I walk in the front gate, as I did on Friday night! I tell you, I was just floating as I walked in the front door! :battingeyelashes: )

This may have been the case at Lane Bryant as well...or they may just have felt like complimenting me on my looks as I walked in the door. Either way, I felt accepted as Amy shopping for clothes, and I'll certainly come back. :)

- Amy

[NathalieX66]

I'm in this grey area. That's fine with me.
When I'm out in public, sometimes I get his feeling where people say to themselves "that's an ugly chick, ignore her", and they look the other way.

I',m 5'6", with beyond shoulder length hair.

I often do get ma'amed, but it feels awkward.......mainly because I'm too self conscious.

Long story short: If I can pass as being transgender , and people treat me respectfully, then all is cool.
If people really think I'm a woman, then hot dog!.....Awesome!

[Eryn]

I'm 6'2" and I've found that the more I go out the less I worry about passing.

Looking around I see plenty of GGs (at least I think that they are GGs) that display one or more masculine features. The luck of the genetic draw or life's hard knocks gave them skinny hips, Adam's apples, too much height, big feet, smokers' voices or whatever. Do these GGs worry about passing? Of course not, because they know in their heart of hearts that they are female. Is anyone going to accost them and demand that they prove their femininity? No way, because these GGs have confidence in what they are.

I try to do the same when I am dressed. Wherever I go I try to walk confidently. If someone looks at me too much I move closer to them and give them plenty of opportunity to examine me. I talk to people when appropriate even though my voice is far from polished. By showing confidence I think that I become more credible in the eyes of those I encounter.

I have no idea of what is happening inside the minds of those I encounter, but if they have suspicions I'd rather that the perceive me as polite and confident than creepy and sneaky. In the end I am always treated as the gender I am presenting and that is what I think is important.

[ArleneRaquel]

Aproval is the best thing in the world, my visit last week to the optician was a great lift to my ego and my spirits in general. Four ladies approving of my appearence and the comments made there and later online to me about my bold fashion statement was most uplifting indeed. I knew that I didn't pass, but when I returned home at looked into the mirror I know that I sure looked good, maybe I was still floating on air at my reception at the optican and then another compliement from the chief eye care specialist via e-mail. Then the very next day I was complimented by a server at Hooters, in regard to my female eyewear, I was fully enfemme at the time.

[kimdl93]

I am getting a lot better at not looking to gauge people's reactions...that can be almost a compulsion in itself...glancing back to see if the people you just passed noticed, surreptitiously looking at reflections in windows to monitor reactions. But when I do make eye contact with someone I can't help but look for signs of recognition. It's amazing how discerning our non verbal senses are in that respect.

And I do appreciate those eyes that convey a sense of acceptance. As I've said before, it sometimes feels as I've been at least momentarily admitted to the club. But I'd would honestly prefer to be convincing enough that I didn't elicit those positive looks to begin with. I know my limitations, but I keep trying nonetheless!

[Rogina B]

If they read you as obviously being a "T something" and you were nice to them,then they have a nice memory of you for next time.Confidence in your presentation and your right to be there..Oh,and leave your penis at home in that act as if you don't have one and the testosterone that usually goes with having one ...Perfect the "take me as I am" attitude and you can go anywhere cause in this day and age,no one knows what's in your panties if you don't tell them!

[Kimberly Kael]

I am happy with acceptance.

Bingo! This is how I feel. In most day-to-day interactions I don't much care if someone approves of my life, but I do ask that they accept who I am. Passing is much harder to guarantee and doesn't improve my life experience, it just creates anxiety with little or no benefit over acceptance.

The surprising aspect is that relaxing about passing is actually something that has helped me pass more in practice.

[linda allen]

I don't get out much, but when I do get out, my goal is to pass as female, nothing less. If I get a "look", it hurts. I try to keep moving so nobody gets a good look at me. I think I probably pass at twenty feet or so, perhaps closer if I'm moving. That's just my guess, I've never asked anyone.

I don't go out "half male, half female. I don't see the point.

[suchacutie]

I don't think anything could top the day I first walked out of the bedroom to have my wife take her first look at Tina. It was early days in Tina's life and no way did she pass, but the intake of breath and the words, "you look incredible" will never be replaced as the best of Tina's world.

[Beverley Sims]

I think approval and passing are on a par with each other.
Both make me feel good inside.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Amanda, I like to think that when I do my best that I can pass.

[Alexis.j]

I think Beverly has a point there.
A lot of us would find it difficult to pass 100% , but I would say, if you can't pass, then acceptance would be just great.
If I had to choose, I would probably take acceptance over passing...

[Farrah]

I prefer a little of both. I mean, I don't wont to be that man in a dress. I feel if you're going to do it, do it 100%. However, acceptance is always a good thing. :)

[Lynn Marie]

Does anyone else feel approval is better than passing?
Yeah, I do.

[Rebecca Watson]

Does anyone else feel approval is better than passing?

I would have to say I do. I hate it when I have a conversation with, say, a sales assistant who calls me "ma'am" or something equivalent to begin with, then after realising that something's atypical behind the scenes, switch to gender-neutral words, e.g. "this customer". (I'm thinking: "I was 'ma'am' a few seconds ago, dammit!".) This makes me feel that passing is only skin deep; I'm only a girl until I'm "found out".

Passing is largely about luck: there's certain things we can do to improve our chances, but biology is a massive discriminator. Some people roll the biological dice and are able to pass, others aren't so lucky and will never be able to. I'd like to pass, but, upon close inspection, I don't.

People choose whether or not they approve. Yes, their choice can be affected by how natural the CD's appearance is, but overall, it's up to the individual. Personally, I feel touched when someone chooses to say "she" (or behaves in a way that's equivalent to announcing that they're considering me a female) despite knowing something is up.

- Becky

[Loni]

not sure about "approval" .

but acceptance is good.

if only i could just blend in that would be great.💃

.

[Allison2006]

While I would prefer to have both, I would rather have the acceptance of those closest to me. If I had that, I wouldn't worry much at all about people who don't know me.

[Sheila11]

Never going to pass and I know it. I try to be personable and friendly with every one I meet and I get lots of acceptance back. There are several places I go that I am immediately addressed with hi's, hello's, and hugs. If you are a nice and accepting person others will be nice and accepting to you.

[Ellie52]

I would just love to have the chance to try going walkabout. In my heart Im not sure I could pass, but like Linda says "I don't go out "half male, half female. I don't see the point". If I finally do get the chance to leave sanctuary it'll probably be to a hotel where the staff should be courteous and the patrons are transient so not much chance of recognition.

I once asked my SO how I looked and she said she was jealous as I looked better in her clothes than she did, but then she also said I look better from the back!!!I need to perfect my makeup skills or buy a big pair of sunglasses.

Could you class going out in a burka as enfemme? No one would recognise me then..Elli

[Rogina B]

This thread wasn't about "passing" !! All but a very few in the T world[without surgery] will pass close scrutiny by a knowing eye. However,most people are polite enough to appreciate the efforts made in our presentation,usually silently,with a smile. Call that "passing enough" or approval,whatever floats your boat...

[heatherdress]

Semantics and definitions. So many threads, so many terms. It hurts my head. I am not sure what approval really means and I would not want to ask anyone if they approve of my appearance. I do understand and appreciate Amanda's thoughts. If I know someone or meet and interact with someone, and I realize by their actions that they accept/approve/like my appearance, I feel good, as Amanda suggests. Anyone else who might see me and figures out I'm a "he" dressed as a "she", I really don't care.

[Cheryl T]

Truly passing is incredibly difficult for most of us.
While I try my best I am most rewarded when I'm accepted in this role whether or not someone knows I'm not actually female.

[brandi.tgurl]

i think this is a really interesting concept. i've always striven to pass. and, i feel like, i get pretty close. which, is in then affirmed, by comments i get by others on my pics. i too, have a an issue with being larger than the average GG.. and while i have run into GG bigger than me, in all shapes and sizes, i feel it still causes me to stand out some. the hardest part for me in a public setting is keeping the constant feminine gestures and posture and movements. and my voice as tells. my face can be, if i don't get my make up right, or i used a dull razor on my facial hair. but, in the past 2 weeks, or so, i have been quite bold in my outings. and have interacted with more people as brandi than i have ever in my years of dressing. in fact, i even had quite a conversation with a store clerk the other day... nothing big, but small talk back and forth for about 3 or 4 minutes. he didn't even act like there was anything odd about me. whether i passed that well, or was just accepted, i'll never know. but, my bet would be on the latter. and, while my goal has always been to be seen as a GG when dressed, it was so much more refreshing and calming just being me. i think i can handle passing from afar, and being accepted when up close any day.

[candydawn75]

I totally agree with you!! I am FAR from passing trust me. I would rather be able to go out in what ever clothes, makeup, etc. I want and people never bat an eye. I have no delusions that I will ever be able to go into public and people say now there goes a GG. However I would like to go out in a dress and heels and be ok with it. For most of the time I have CD I tried to pass with my wife. Then just a few weeks ago we had a long talk and she like me just being me. If I have time for just clothes fine wear them. If I have time for more the BRING IT! That is kinda what I would like to see. Just like GGs get up no makeup hair pulled back in one of our shirts and shorts and people just walk by. Us to be able to get up hair, makeup, nails, bling and people just walk by and not think negative gay things. Anyway that is MO or hope I guess??

[Jana]

Interesting point, Amanda. I strive hard for passability, so much so that I've never given much thought to the perspective of acceptance. But it makes sense, since most of us only passes to a certain degree anyway. On the other hand, somehow, I think I still feel safer under the thin cloak of passability. It offers just enough cover for me not to be the center of attention upon entering a mall, store or what have you.

[Nayomi2438]

To my friends; Due to irreconcilable differences and the refusal by administrator to delete my account, I have removed my comments.

[Gerrijerry]

I agree approval and even better acceptance is better then passing. especial from family and friends.

[KatieV]

It's quite nice really to be read with a smile of acceptance. It shows respect and approval for our disposition! Imagine a world in which everyone treated us that way! And for me truly consistently passing is wishful thinking - other than casual passing, which is no doubt a pleasure,too. Both are welcome, but I have no choice in the matter. But if I did, I'd go for the smile of acceptance, of me and who I am.

[Tracii G]

Acceptance is all I ask for and usually get just that and yes it feels just as good as passing to me.
I saw lots of women yesterday in my shopping and a lot had no hips or butt to speak of so I don't feel so bad.
Stopped at a Firehouse sandwich shop yesterday on the way home and yes I was enfemme with some hip padding of course and had a no butt/hip ladies in line behind me say excuse me ma'am but I love your maxi dress it so colorful and frisky it looks really nice on you.
I thanked her and went to sit down and wait for my order.She was with her daughter and another lady friend and they ended up sitting the next table across from me.
She said to the other lady I wish I had a figure so I could pull off her look.
They just smiled back a few times so I'm sure they read me but they accepted me as I was presenting.Thats a win for me.
The clincher for me was the daughter who was maybe 6 or so said I think she is really pretty don't you Mommy?

[Kate Simmons]

While I figure approval would be better I really don't need approval from anyone whether I happen to "pass" or not. I just enjoy it.:)

[Jamiegirl1]

I do not pass,but I love it when people just treat you like everyone else and don't make a big deal that I am a crossdresser....most people don't seem to care,they are friendly,most sales people just want your business.....I have run across some that are just unfriendly,but most are nice.....I don't go to very many places while dressed though,so my experiences are rather limited....Jamie

[melissakozak]

Nope. I need to pass. I need to blend in and just go about my business....

[DianeDeBris]

It's quite nice really to be read with a smile of acceptance. It shows respect and approval for our disposition! Imagine a world in which everyone treated us that way! And for me truly consistently passing is wishful thinking - other than casual passing, which is no doubt a pleasure,too. Both are welcome, but I have no choice in the matter. But if I did, I'd go for the smile of acceptance, of me and who I am.

Hi Kay - I so *totallY* agree! I want to be who I am, and accepted for who I am, myself, truthfully. Sometimes it's a "smile of acceptance," sometime it's wonderully more <blush>, but always I want to be seen and recognized as the woman I am.
Hugs - Diane

[Karen_K]

I strive for acceptance too, and don't worry too much about whether people think I'm really a woman or not. I think I can "pass" from 20 feet away, and if people are not paying close attention. Inside that radius I hope for acceptance. How would you really know if you do pass anyway? Maybe you were read, but the other person just didn't say anything.

Its interesting too, that acceptance/blending/approval (whatever we are calling it) seems to require some effort towards passing at least, like wearing makeup, hair, and trying walk like a woman.

[sherri]

I really like the original premise of this thread and agree wholeheartedly for myself. When I first joined this forum, there was a lot of good conversation about such things, including the difference between mere tolerance and genuine acceptance. At the time, most of us felt there was a big gap between the two in our society, with true acceptance being pretty rare, even among the "counter-culture". But now some 8 years later, I honestly believe that both tolerance and acceptance are on the rise, albeit in smaller measures than we'd like. I do believe we're getting there.

[Julogden]

As far as I'm concerned, acceptance/approval is way better than passing. Passing doesn't do anything to educate the public about our presence among them.

Carol