Reality is a Bitch

[LeaP]

(Hopefully the tongue-in-cheek aspect of the thread title will become apparent…)

Reality is hard. So hard that I recently responded, in another thread, that living in it was the hardest thing I have had to learn.

Many trans people – perhaps most – live much of their lives in a state of depression and dissociation. There are so many facets to this. Living separate inner and outer lives. Fantasies. Daydreaming. Living through others. And endless ways of deflecting conversation, attention, and focus. We don't feel permitted to be ourselves so we withdraw into ourselves. It becomes so fundamental to our existence that we are at risk of losing ourselves.

Then comes the dawn. The time when you wake up and fully realize what has been going on. That sets off World War III between the reality and the false life you have been living. Some of the comments and advice (and I'm only talking about good advice here) you get during this period is gentle, but much of it is heavily focused on focusing you on the here and now.

There are many examples of this. Therapy first. Start going out now. Don't plan too far ahead. Stop with the if-else stuff. Why are you even bothering to ask this or that at this point? Etc. Even more pointed: You don't know what you are talking about. Keep doing that and the consequences will be ... SRS? ... You don't even have a job. Etc.

These only sound cutting and dismissive when you are being steered back to reality and away from your fears, fantasies, and the future. TSs lose their patience for this stuff for a reason – it gets in the way of fixing your life in a major way. The most common word for it here is BS. If it isn't REAL, it's BS.

Reality hurts when you're not used to it. It means staying in fights and arguments. It means no more running away. It means paying attention when you would rather not. It means feeling the pain of the things you've been afraid of. Facing and doing things that are hard, and doing them right now! And after a while, as you realize how ingrained your running away had become, you start insisting on reality. Catching yourself and policing yourself.

In truth, though, reality is not a bitch. Neither are the people who correct you back to it, again and again. (And OMG - the screams of pain at bubbles being burst ...) It just feels that way for a while until you, too, start liking the light of day.

[Jorja]

Why everything is just peachy in my little world. Cue the music an unicorns. Then POP, reality rushes in and you find the rent is due, the dog crapped on the kitchen floor.... again, The guy at the door is there to shut off your electric, the hooker on the corner has been seeing your boy/girlfriend..... again, your one and only car has 4 flat tires, and that little butthead of a kid next door left his gum on your sidewalk.... again. Bubblebath take me away!

[kellycan27]

Jorja

Even so.. Wouldn't you say that even with the trials and tribulations it's still better dealing with them as a woman?

[AllieSF]

Actually Kelly, I think that it is better dealing with them as a somewhat sane human no matter the gender!

Leap, I don't remember much of your history, but I do like your approach to this. It is sounds practical and pragmatic. Life is like a box of chocolate and when we pick that cream cherry one, which I do not like, we know that the better ones, nougat and chocolate covered nuts, are still waiting to be found. Thanks for your insight, and I agree with it.

[Badtranny]

I really like this post Lea, it shows a lot of growth.

You know, ever since I first started kicking around here back in '09 the TS section had a reputation for being bitchy killjoys. Back then I really had no idea I would end up transitioning and I was having a lot of fun with this new cross-dressing thing I discovered. You want to know how naive I was before I found this site? I spent a day walking around the Castro trying to find a store where "the drag queens buy their stuff". I was literally a babe in the woods. I was much too naive to discern between the ridiculous and the sublime on these boards.

I feel like I've lived a lifetime since I started my transition and I honestly feel like I owe that decision to this site because there were real trans women of similar age and proportion who showed me that it was possible.

Those bitchy killjoys who insisted on separating the fantasy from the facts are the girls that made me see that this wasn't just a fun thing for me to do. It was a fundamental part of who I was and my childhood fantasies meant something far deeper than what I grew up thinking.

Reality can indeed be tough, but it is a hell of a lot tougher when it keeps clashing with your fantasy.

[kellycan27]

AllieSF

I guess what I meant was that after living on both sides of the street.. Coping now is much easier now as I am in a way better place than ever before.

[Marleena]

I like this thread too. People get their reality checks in this section and it's a good thing. It was so much easier being a CDer. I hated even looking at this section before. Look where I ended up.*sigh*. The timing sucks and I have no money but it is what it is.. I'm struggling just like everybody else is or was. I have respect for the "bitchy killjoys" now.:)

I need cyber ass kicks and I'll get them here..

[stefan37]

We all have fears and fantasies about how we would like our lives to be. The harsh fact is very frequently it is nothing like we thought. The thing is like has been said before at some point this becomes real. It may be breast development . The ending of a relationship or job. The outing of yourself to the world, in many cases when we are not ready. Our fantasies and dreams are shattered by the reality of our situation. This is a very public process. We spend much of our life hiding, suppressing and denying ourselves. Then we transition and the world finally gets to see the real us. Sometimes it us not pretty, it hurts, but wehave no choice but to mmove forward.
The emotions we are exposed to need to be dealt with. It is not easy. But then again anything worth living for is going to be hard and require much sacrifice

BTW I think this wilL be a great postï

[Kathryn Martin]

In truth, though, reality is not a bitch. Neither are the people who correct you back to it, again and again. (And OMG - the screams of pain at bubbles being burst ...) It just feels that way for a while until you, too, start lliking the light of day.

This may seem strange but during transition I laughed a lot. I mean, it's funny, when you step back and look at yourself from the outside, all the moaning and chest beating (Anne?) the freaking out and freaking in, the weird attempts at "fitting in" like just learned dance steps on a championship dance floor. E and I laughed a lot. Reality is not a bitch but it bites back and sometimes it tickles.

I think that for so many the most painful process is letting go of an illusion. The "I always wanted to be like that" deception your dreams and fantasies perpetrate on you and then as you transition you wake up and it was just all a pink bubble and unicorn dream like Jorja said. But reality is my friend. I never wanted to be the girl of dreams (hello Betty Page and Rita Hayworth, Jane Russel and Lauren Bacall) but a girl of reality. And that is exactly what I got. Sometimes even today it floors me how easy it was, mainly because I laughed at myself (silently) but so loud. It's funny, when you have to do the drama and yet you know that even the drama is an illusion.

No running away anymore, I would not even know what to run from. Laughter and pain burned it all away. After a life of both eyes and one foot on the road out town I would not know where to go. Here and now is right fine with me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow Lea...Just Excellent.

I feel very strongly about the concept you are talking about and what you say about it is spot on.

[Jorja]

Jorja

Even so.. Wouldn't you say that even with the trials and tribulations it's still better dealing with them as a woman?

This goes back to we all are different and function or process things in our own unique manner. I have always been grounded in reality. That is not to say I didn’t have my hopes, dreams, and fears but I did not have any outlandish unreal expectations of whom and what my life would be like before, during, or after transition. My biggest problems were in the beginning where I could not get anyone’s attention to let them know I was miserable the way I was.

Yes, it is better dealing with all the trials and tribulations as a woman. That is because I became the person I was supposed to be. My head is clear and I can focus on dealing with the daily problems rather than listen to all that static and white noise that was there before transition.

[groove67]

Yes this site and members have been a tower of strength to me. Even though i was on my way to transation before i came here it has made me realize that i am not alone , that i have many friends here that are or have gone through what i have and yet to complete. And yes even though i am 3 months and few days from srs , i do find it much easier to face life and its ups and downs as a woman.

[Angela Campbell]

Trying to separate the real from the views of others.....facing the fear...seeing the changes and not being able to stop it.

"back in '09 the TS section had a reputation for being bitchy killjoys" OMG it was worse?

One year ago I had never even completely dressed from head to toe. I weighed 125 lbs more than I do now, I thought transition was impossible. I had a lot more facial hair than I do now. I had no idea what I was about to learn and go through. I didn't know i was opening Pandoras box. But reading this site I guess I was warned.

[SuzanneBender]

Lea I think your post is right on. As someone just passing the start point of transition, I find that there does seem to be a general negativity about the whole process, but threads like yours help show us newbies that there is hope.

When I first came to this forum I was wandering in the world still trying to deny who I really was. I look back on my posts in the CD forums and they were light, airy and happy. Then I accepted my reality and things became darker. I actually staryed away from the forum for a long time because I didn't want to deal with the reality. I wanted life to be that simple go lucky happy one that I had when I was a closeted crossdresser. I didn't want the loss, pain and issolation that came with this reality.

However, I have discovered something amazing about accepting who you are. Once you do a wonderful thing accompanies the truth. Where I felt lost, alone, and deviant. I now feel found, truely loved, and normal. I know that I have just begun to experience the trials of this life and that it is far from an easy path, but I also know that it comes with a sense of pride that I would never have otherwise.

All this lends itself to Kelly's assertion that dealing with life's trevails is much easier when you are one just one side of the street.

[KellyJameson]

Being a transsexual before you know you are a transsexual pushes you violently into your imagination as fantasy and out into physical reality at the exact same moment in every moment of your life.

You live with a violent tension inside you that you seek to always control but it slips out of control and swings wildly, randomly and unpredictably and it is expressed differently from person to person but the force that propels it is the same

It pulls you in two directions simultaneously and it is this pulling that creates the dissociation because it forces escape from self to rectify the need to make a lie the truth and the truth a lie as we are taught to believe but our minds know otherwise.

We are forced to stand opposed against the world while being forced and needing to join it.

You become a truth seeker so search for reality as the reality of being transsexual but need fantasy (imagination) because that is where you store the identity that you cannot live.

You must bring this identity out of your mind where you have stored it because you could not live it and into the real world.

Fantasy can both save you but it can also destroy you because the fantasy is how we cope with the pain but it threatens to keep you trapped in pain because fantasy will not release you from pain but only keep you alive until it finally turns on you and kills you.

We are always balanced on a very sharp knife and if you fall to far or to fast into or out of fantasy or into or out of reality, it will cut you in half.

The "Process" is walking this knife through transition and it is different for everyone.

When a person crosses a desert they must not drink the water to fast or they risk death and this is true when you live without your identity as well. (as you know yourself to be)

You must let it trickle into you slowly so you do not go into shock but all you can think about is that life saving water and you want to dive into it but if you do you will surely drown.

Once the mind opens back to "self" as the truth that the self has always known the mind hungers to make the fantasy of identity into reality because you now know that you have been keeping yourself alive in your own mind and you want this person to finally live.

Transitioning is a birthing process where you are both mother and baby.

I'm thankful that I'm comfortable with surreal experiences because this one is definitely turning out to be at the top of my already very long list of surreal experiences.

Thank you Lea for your other thread related to breasts. I found that very timely.

[LeaP]

OK, Misty - one reason for this thread is that some of your posts lately have been irritating me! And what I find, over and over, is that when posts from people I respect irritate me, there is often a truth I'm not quite prepared to hear or believe. One of your themes has been reality.

Sometimes that's been about the realities of full-time transition, sometimes about the postings from all the anonymous somebodies here in the forum basically amounting to a pile. I value reality - so why the irritation? Well, I agree with the second point, so I took a small action to address it. I can't address the full-time point yet, of course, but I do believe there is a material difference. A great gulf, in fact, between taking steps of any sort versus commiting to going full-time. So know that I respect the position, even if I sometimes wish you would be a *little* easier on those of us in-process. ... and process itself has been a focus of mine lately.

So many people here have played particular roles for me or serve as examples. I started listing them, but it's too hard and there are too many. All of them, however, play to the theme of reality vs BS in different ways, many touching different aspects of my mind and personality.

In the end, the exercise is helping guide the totality of an individual to a new state of understanding. I have needed appeals to knowledge, philosophy, analysis, emotion, relationships, psychology ... even metaphysics and religion. These make up MY reality. I need sufficient trust and confidence in what I have learned about myself to exercise faith in taking further steps. And you know, sometimes that's a religious point, sometimes the proverbial smack upside the head. But who acts on the unreal? Not me. That's why process has been on my mind so much lately. SO many things have had to change in my understanding of myself and the world.

What I didn't know is that a bitchy bunch of trannies who irritated, confused, and prodded me were essential to the process ...

[Badtranny]

Don't sweat it Lea. I probably irritate everyone here depending on the topic. That's what happens when you make an effort to be 100% agnostic in regard to ideology or opinion. My only agenda here is to report on my transition honestly. I don't have a particular direction to push anyone or have any snake oil to sell. All I have is an affection for the TS board and I want to make a positive yet honest contribution.

It's interesting that you wish I was a little easier on people like you when I only exist here for people like you. I don't post for Kait or Kat, or any of the other TransitionerS that have already gone their way. Those girls already know everything I could say and even more actually because they're both posties. I'm not here for the girls that are already rolling, I'm here for the ones that are just like me three years ago. I didn't know anything about anything. I was a blank slate.

It's important to me that we have persistent conversations here about what it really means to transition. I want people to really examine what they're feeling and why they think they're feeling that way. I also want people to know that 99% of M2F transitioners have a rough time for awhile for any number of reasons. I like to burst any fantasy bubbles as soon as I can because fantasy doesn't belong in this section. This is my real life. Inna just posted some thoughts about finding joy in transition and that makes me happy because she has also been very open and honest about her challenges.

I don't respond well to those that want to come in here and talk about "getting girl time" because that's not how ANY trans girl I know talks. We're serious here, but any of the new transitioners will tell you that this is serious stuff to go through, and for those that don't believe me, come out at work and get back to me. People lose families and jobs on this side of the forum and I see this in real life. So yeah I take it seriously, when I feel like someone is making a mockery of our lives.

[stefan37]

This entire process we are experiencing is all about reality. In many cases it is our reality and others find it hard to understand. You are absolutely correct Lea this is a process. There are many steps forward and just as many back, until we find confirmation we are doing what is right and take another step forward.

Sometimes we need to take that step forward without any basis in reality, but a gut reaction this right.
This process is very Surreal to me at this point. If you told me 20 months ago I would be facing divorce, reading a legal notice in the newspaper announcing the order fixing the date of hearing for name change, talking in a much different way. I would have told you no way. I do not have the courage, or resolve and I love my wife way too much to upset her life and my family. But today this is my reality. There is no turning back. I have no other choice but to move forward.

We all come to acceptance of the various stages at different times. My experience has been whenever I encounter a fork in the road. The step towards transitioning seems right to me and serves as confirmation I am doing what is right.

Name change will bring many challenges to light. Some I am aware of thanks to those that have gone before. I am positive there will be challenges I have not expected. I am very excited about it. But it is also very scary as it cements not only for me but those close to me what I am doing is real. I will have to own this as my family, friends, employees, and clients react to this new development. For my wife I believe it became real to her after I started Hrt. That started the ball rolling down then hill . Reading my name change application to the court made that hill steeper and the ball picked up speed.

Fantasy is great and many can not move past that event. For many of us we need to move forward and that is when the rubber meets the road. The reality of what we are doing smacks us upside the head and we question. Just WTF are we doing I just ruined a great relationship, I lost a terrific job, my friends do not understand. But that inner urge, that quest for inner peace drives us on.

We have or will subject our bodies to trauma and pain so the world see us as we would like them to without question. That is certainly reality as you lie in bed unable to speak or move. I would imagine it might even seem surreal as you wonder is this worth it. Sometimes we need to take that leap of faith. Hopefully after we do make that jump successfully we are happy we did

[Marleena]

Well Lea my reality is I suck at being TS. I could be the poster girl for how not to transition. I missed my opportunity to transition in my twenties (yeah sounds like whining) and I could be living my life as a woman.. Now this crap starts again when I'm not in a position to do much about it. It's reality bites for me.

The only thing I can really offer here is to the newbies. I can warn them about transitioning and taking HRT for the wrong reasons.

[melissaK]

This thread cost me $8.00. That's what SWA charged me for Internet access on this flight. And I checked mail, saw I had a PM waiting, logged in, and read this FREAKING LONG thread instead. Its been a thoroughly delightful read. And now we are on final approach!

And appropriately landing will bring me back to that bitch reality. :)

[elizabethamy]

Living in this forum has helped me learn both the limits and the extent of my trans-ness. I look for things that resonate with me and think about them for however long it takes. I don't care who is mean, rude, naive, silly, etc. I like the entertainment value of the latter but this is a wonderland of personalities, and how bad can that be? No one can live another person's life. I think it's all rather like high school -- once you've figured out how to do well in 10th grade, it's over. So we do what we can with whatever grade we're in. What a bitch.

[emma5410]

Sometimes I wonder if not knowing what is coming is better. I look back and think I am not sure I would have kept moving forward if I knew that a ton of bricks was about to hit me. As far as warning newbies I think they can be split into two. Those in a pink fog or living a fantasy who just take the warnings as rudeness and nastiness. I am not sure that dissuades them from transitioning.
The others are TS and will do it anyway simply because they have no choice. In a very low moment two weeks ago I started wondering about going back. Back to what exactly? It was laughable really. I only went full time because I could not go on as a male. There is no back. My boats are burning on the beach. I am a woman and I have lost the ability to pretend that I am a man. On a positive note things were so bad that the only way was up and things are a lot better now.
I lurked here for a long time and read many threads warning how difficult it would be. Did it work? Well I was terrified of transitioning anyway so I did really need the warning. Did it stop me? No because in the end I had no choice. This is not a path it is a landslide. Once you are on it, it sweeps you away.

[LeaP]

My intent was to remove the confusion between general rudeness and bitchiness (which both exist, of course) from experiencing the relentless nature of personal reality and truth in the present. ... As well as dealing with those who won't let you escape it.

There are good analogies for those unused to it: Treading water when tired. Pushing yourself to drive another 200 miles when you need to stop. Day-long classes or training. Being interrogated or deposed. Being unable to get out of the sun when you feel yourself burning.

All involve fatigue, flagging attention, irritability. Anger and desperation when it gets extreme. People lash out at the interrogator, professor, God even.

The point becomes lost. You forget - or stop caring - that you needed the knowledge, that justice is required, that you needed to get to the event in time, or even that you don't REALLY want to drown. People bail, only to find themselves in the same situation again or find themselves limited. They almost always blame someone or something else! They will get spitting mad if you try to point out their responsibility.

In short, in turning away from reality, you create your own problems. Those that would spare you from dealing with it are not your friends. Those who point it out when you are ready are not being cruel. Readiness is important as it relates to the perception of truth, as I believe that when one is ready, they will tend to be upset by it - not comfortably accept it. In this thread's terms, that means "Of course I'm a bitch! Did you think this was going to be easy?"

[Princess Grandpa]

. You want to know how naive I was before I found this site? I spent a day walking around the Castro trying to find a store where "the drag queens buy their stuff". I was literally a babe in the woods. I was much too naive to discern between the ridiculous and the sublime on these boards.

/giggle that's exactly how I see me.

You ladies transitioning deserve more respect than I know how to show. Such a hard road. I hope the end results brings the happiness you deserve

Hug
Rita

[Emma Beth]

It's nice to see things for what the really are and get your head out of the clouds.

AllieSF brought up how life is like a box of Chocolates. Like Forest Gump's Momma said, You never know what you're gonna get.

That is all so true; and when things heats up, you also have a nice mess to clean up.

Just my :2c:.

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Liz

[DebbieL]

This is a wonderful thread. When I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a girl, and my parents did too. When they talked to psychiatrists, they were told that the "cure" was electro-shock and if that didn't work, lobotomy. My parents struggled to protect me. I played with girls when I could, but ended up being forced to play with boys, where I got beat up daily, often several times a day. I didn't do my written work during class, so I would have to stay after class (avoiding most of the boys).

By the time I was 10, I was able to wear my mom's cloths and they fit. I was never much of a male, lacking testes, and my father tried to explain that they were "up inside me like ovaries". I hoped and prayed that they would stay up there and turn me into a girl instead of a boy. I dreamed of being a pretty girl, wearing mini-skirts and pretty dresses, being able to play with girls all the time, and being able to giggle when I wanted, cry when I wanted, and even blush when I wanted.

Then came the harsh reality. They came down and I did too. I hated reality! When I started the other changes, I often got suicidal, to the point where I would try to kill myself at least once a week. I drank myself into blackouts, often combining the booze with drugs. I'd get into fights I knew I couldn't win, and I'd put myself in dangerous situations then shoot off my mouth. Even then I somehow survived (probably because my friends were really big).

I went to numerous therapists, and tried over and over to discuss my desire to be a girl. Each time they REFUSED to talk to me about it. Back in those days, transition wasn't an option. My first therapist was at 8 years old, and even at 21, they refused to discuss it with me. Even at 24, they wouldn't let me discuss it. It wasn't until I was 34 that I FINALLY met a therapist who referred me to a gender counselor. He was our marriage counselor, and he realized, from his own work with transsexuals, that not only was I transsexual, but I would probably destroy myself if forced to live as male. I started transition, doing RLE and dealt with the pains, joys, and consequences. I finally broke when my ex-wife conspired with members of her husband's church to have my visitation rights permanently and completely revoked, which meant I would never be allowed to see my children again, but would still be required to pay over 1/2 my income as child support. In Colorado, as a transsexual, I had no legal rights if I transitioned, so I stopped.

When I moved to the NYC area, my wife asked me to send pictures of Debbie so she could show my son. When I confirmed to him that I was transsexual, the conspiracy backfired, and he ended up telling my wife she was stupid for leaving me if that was the only problem. He told my daughter and both of them continued to insist on being able to talk to me on the phone and were thrilled when I came to see them.

I was finally confronted with a situation where the consequences of transition were so dire, that I had to stop. I ended up gaining weight, doubling weight to over 330 lbs, even having a heart attack. Later, I ended up having a stroke. In both cases, I had standing DNR orders, making it clear that I was ready to die if I couldn't be kept alive without machines - including "induced coma".

I finally started transitioning again about 18 months ago, getting back to RLE. The trigger was when my father died. He wanted to meet the "Real Me" so I let him meet Debbie again. He really liked her. I stayed by his bed-side as Debbie until he passed, and he loved having me there. He was so glad I could be myself with him.

My 2nd wife accepted the dressing, even my desire to be a girl, but started to tell me she wasn't OK with transition. I nearly died again, several times, and even ended up locked up for a few hours. Since going to the new gender councilor, my wife has seen how much happier I am. I have no fantasies about being a beautiful 20 year old bomb-shell, I'm a 57 year old granny. In some ways, this has made it easier for my wife to accept the transition. She's even helping me shop. I'm a B-cup now, and we go shopping together and borrow each other's clothes. Now that she's lost weight, she can fit mine, and loves most of my choices.

I may not do SRS, at least until I know that our marriage will be honored by state and federal governments. I don't want some insurance company or bureaucrat deciding that our marriage was no longer valid because it was a "Gay Marriage" in NJ, where such marriages are still illegal.

Is life perfect? Heck no! Life is life. I have 33 years clean and sober, and was never promised that life would always be perfect. What I get to do is live life on life's terms. I can make choices, and do my best to mitigate the consequences. I don't have to be stupid.

[LeaP]

It's interesting that you wish I was a little easier on people like you when I only exist here for people like you.

I laughed at myself when I re-read what I wrote. After all, I just went on and on about the virtues of reality and those that deliver it being just fine ... and appealed for mercy. Makes NO sense at all!


Name change will bring many challenges to light.

Why? I'm curious about this because I have read it before and it doesn't make sense to me. A name change seems like a simple thing.


Well Lea my reality is I suck at being TS.

I think we all suck at it, Marleena. Others' advice and experience only goes so far.


This thread cost me $8.00.

Now that's what I call commitment! In fact, if everyone had to pay, I bet the fantasy contingent would disappear overnight. Or is it the other way around. :confused:

[MysticLady]

In truth, though, reality is not a bitch. Neither are the people who correct you back to it, again and again. (And OMG - the screams of pain at bubbles being burst ...) It just feels that way for a while until you, too, start liking the light of day.

I like that Lea. Plus, I've noticed you put your avatar back up, I appreciate that I can see you again:hugs:


Why everything is just peachy in my little world.

Jorja, you never cease to amaze me. You are my Inspiration Sweetie.


Life is like a box of chocolate and when we pick that cream cherry one, which I do not like, we know that the better ones, nougat and chocolate covered nuts, are still waiting to be found.

Hi Allie, Actually, I enjoy the creamy, cherry ones. When I get one w/ nuts, it's a special treat.


It was so much easier being a CDer.

Then, why would you make it harder on yourself Marleena? Just do what youre happy with.:hugs:



No running away anymore, I would not even know what to run from. Laughter and pain burned it all away. After a life of both eyes and one foot on the road out town I would not know where to go. Here and now is right fine with me.

I'm very Happy for you Kathryn. I miss your avatar. Will you consider putting it back up. You are very Pretty.



Transitioning is a birthing process where you are both mother and baby.


I've always loved your insights Kelly. You have a "special" way with words.

I just want to say that I appreciate all of you and that I'm very happy that I can talk w/ you all. I know that I'm just a cross dresser but, I live through you all sometimes and sometimes I somewhat understand your anguish. It may be different than what I may be going through but nevertheless, it's suffering no matter how you look at it. I hope you all don't think that I kissin booty here, I just feel sometimes what you feel, just a GG with her issues. I'm just a little ol crossdresser and that's it. Sorry.

[stefan37]

You are correct Lea. The name change is a relatively easy process. File the application with the court. Publish in the paper the order fixing the date of hearing., appear at the hearing, finally publish the court approval in the paper.

The challenges are my wife seeing the public notice pushed her over the edge so to speak. We are now figuring out terms for divorce. All agencies need to be notified, Dr lic, SSN, health insurance birth cert etc. You will use you new legal name on all correspondence. All my contracts with customers will now be in my new legal name. There is no hiding behind my male name no matter how male I appear. I am sure there are more challenges I am not aware of. It is exciting, yet also scary
It is a concrete step forward. Effects of hrt are easy hidden if one wishes. Legal name change put it out in front for all to see.
I have a new company email using my new name , so my customers and suppliers are aware. One supplier asked my foreman if we had a new employee. He told them kinda my boss changed his name. ( he is still getting used to calling me steph.

The legal notice was published Tues and my hearing date is Aug 7.
E

[emma5410]

I admire you for changing your name while still presenting as male. I am just curious why you did before going full time. I must admit it sounds more complicated to do it then it does in the UK.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Debbie thanks for sharing that..

its a really good example of how different it is for each person to fully face reality..

the good news as I read your post is that you are truly dealing with reality...to me that's the whole ballgame and it's not the specific details of what you've done or didn't do...it that those details are YOUR details...

[stefan37]

Its not that I am changing my name while presenting as a male. I try to present as much and as close as I can as if I am full time now. When my name change is official I will essentially be fulltime. My reality is I will not be able to afford surgeries for quite a while. There is much social and mental work needed and the physical is what it is. While what I do may seem unconventional I am an unconventional individual. We all move at our own pace and for me I feel as going fulltime this summer is right for me at this time. All my employees, friends, family and many customers know what I am doing. I am public and I can not turn back at this time. With the dissolution of my marriage I need to move forward or it will all be for naught. I lost the one person I truly loved and cared for. The hurt I have inflicted on her and my daughter will be with me a long time.

This is my reality. I know in my heart it is the best thing for me. I may have been able to hold out for longer but I would only be delaying the inevitable and it would come back to me with a vengeance. It took me a while to understand it and my wife and I separating as husband and wife I am experiencing a shift in my brain and how I feel about myself and how I need to interact with others.

[emma5410]

Thanks Stefan that explains a lot. I was just a little confused that you talked of changing your name but not of going full time. Although I have read many of your posts I may have missed a few. I wish you all the best for the future.

[bas1985]

I think that Reality just IS.

The hardest part is accepting what's real and forgetting the false perceptions.

I saw a video on youTube of a spiritual teacher that simply said: "Wake up or bust".

[noeleena]

Hi,

The real life in the real world, is very different for some of us, yet we still have issues problems & other detail to go through , to transition not something i needed or had to do or go through, in fact was not possible , yet there were some details that would be similar the reality comes in the form of Psychological , mental & Emotional Aspects of the person.

How you cope & live a life that has some form of sensability thats not all ways so easy. it involves quite a few people not least family, so do you have help from family & or friends or even strangers, now theres a thought, strangers helping you,
How well are you known friends going back say 55 years, maybe married say 35 years, have children, 3 may be grandkids, at the time 5,

Now the word fantisy or pink fog. cant say ever had to contend with ether, now one detail comes to mind about accepting ones self fully, i would say this would be one of the biggest issues i know concerning trans people, ill rule that out i knew what i was at 10 & i knew later i would have my life as a normal female . with out my womb, it may sound presumsion . well some of us were / are born different yet we do need surgerys,

i belive i was very fortunate in being born the way i was, not compleat yet compleat enough to give myself the strength i needed to live, with out that i know i would not be here, i know what a hell to go through is like, i spent 8 years there in no mans land comeing out was just as hard as going in why. because i needed the right path to walk on well crawl as it was,

we know what depression is like, we know what its like being so low you can not get up , yes iv been there, allso know what suicide means the last post of no return. try that on & see what the hell its like, i can talk about it now because we came through. just i did not do it alone though it felt like it,

Lots of growing lots of changes, dont ever say or belive you are the same person thats an out right lie, you do you must change, .
i know im nothing like i was before, total different iv grown as a new person it was not a change of becomeing female it was the change of growing as a female, into a woman, big difference there,

Well my world is made up of family 17 of us, will soon be 18 , 11 grandkids, my many friends most are women, yes a few men they are lovely to know & be with a lot of fun & those i work with.

So yes in some ways iv had a transtion just a bit different thats all. we dont all do the same road thats all.


...noeleena...

[Kimberly Kael]

You are correct Lea. The name change is a relatively easy process. File the application with the court. Publish in the paper the order fixing the date of hearing., appear at the hearing, finally publish the court approval in the paper.

Depending on where you live this part ranges from trivial to straightforward. It's not the hard part, Stefan, you're right about that. The complications to well beyond those you've mentioned.

Letting everyone on the planet know you've changed your name is a long, complicated process. Every company has their own process. Some take your word for it, some need a copy of the court document, and some need a certified copy. A lot will happily change your name but not your gender without more paperwork, and not just for government-issued ID, either!

Changing the way your name is reflected historically is another huge challenge. School transcripts, job history, etc. involve a whole new set of uphil battles. If you have a trip planned with airline tickets previously booked under your prior name you have yet another challenge. Junk mail will arrive forever addressed to your old name, and there's nothing you can do about that (I started getting mail addressed to both of me, as if we were a couple!)

So it's easy, and it's not. Reality intrudes and complicates things, and you either laugh and accept the next challenge or you get buried under the weight of it all. I chose the former but I still haven't gotten to every last detail, even nearly four years later.

[melissakozak]

Reality may be as it is at THAT moment, but our imaginations and creativity and human spirit CREATE a NEW reality in the future. In other words, our thoughts and deeds become our futures. This is the idea behind the power of positive thinking, etc. Staying firmly on the ground with regard to realities that are immutable is important, BUT realizing how much creative power we possess is essential....;)

[LeaP]

That's true, of course, Melissa – but rather inverts the message of the OP. The challenge for many of us, and it is a significant one, is dealing with reality at all. It's hard to stay in the present, to stay engaged. It's hard not to let our "imaginations and human spirits" become a substitute for reality. It's an error to look too far ahead with regard to transition-related planning. It's not even about dealing with realities that are immutable, but rather with the conditions and constraints that bear on transition-related tasks in the near-term.

All of this focuses you on what is both real and possible. It gets you out of your fantasies and escapism. Most importantly, it actually moves you forward.