::Gomer Pyle Voice:: "Suprise! Suprise! Suprise! Your Preconceived Notions are Wrong!

[melissaK]

LeaP talked about preconceived notions about the Bible Belt in a thread she just started, and it made me think about some run ins with my own preconceived notions lately.

I was certain my life was going to end on January 15 this year when I came home and told my wife I wasn't going to make it without transitioning. What I told her was true and so began my transition. I was certain I would be homeless, unemployed and living friendless in a shelter by now. I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, my old life did in fact end. It has been sacked and swept aside, but the sweeping happened on more levels than I knew were possible, and it hurt a LOT emotionally. But "Suprise! Suprise! Suprise!" I am not living homeless in a shelter.

My new life has led to a new developing relationship with my wife based on love, honesty (A better late than never thing for me) and trust (really, I have finally learned what trust is, I thought I knew, but I didn't). I did not know how little I really knew about each of those things.

It's led to me discovering myself. I was so buried under fear, and over-compensations (no peppers though), and arrested development on so many fronts, I had no idea how little I knew about myself. Permission to be me has been a Renaissance of my soul. I am following music again, I am following art, and I am following my heart like I haven't in a long long time. Still plenty of hard edged rationalist remains, but I now also care about my wants, not just about others.

And, as I have reported before, I am in Gender Fluid land, and lately I like Gender Outlaw a whole lot better because I can't even really describe myself as anything . . . except maybe weird . . . and in that weirdness I have become happy (really, I had forgotten what happiness was)

And at work, while I feared for my job, I have instead won support from others for being authentically me. It took me a while to get this, but to look like I do means I exude self confidence, a valued commodity in my world of ego strutting litigators and business people.

And, something Anne2345 mentioned to me, after all that consternation, after telling my wife and kids, and a few friends, and worrying myself sick, most days are filled with a same old same old feel, an "O-bal-di O-bla-da life goes on" measuring beat. For many I haven't changed much except for having had a mid-life crisis about personal appearance, which is now old news.

All of this leaves me going: "Well huh. How about them apples . . . "
Not terribly profound is it.

But playing off LeaP's thread, I can say this, I am dumbfounded by how wrong I have been about what my future would hold. All that stuff about not knowing until you go do it are really really true.

And if you are hemming and hawing, and are filling in your future before it's happened, my advice is STOP IT. I don't mean any of this as a call to action by any fence sitters. I just mean to warn you that there's a fine line between contingency planning for bad future outcomes, and failing to realize you can't really predict what the future outcomes will be.

And as I move on day to day in my new life, I am mindful I don't have much experience being this new me, and I'm so full of arrested development traits its not funny, and I am evolving more. So I'm not trying to predict and control my future like I once did.

I am trusting in myself, and the things I know are true about me, that I love my wife, I trust her with my heart, I can be honest with her, that I will be liked by others, and importantly, that I like myself. The rest is just going to have to happen . . . and be a Suprise! Suprise! Suprise!

http://youtu.be/J6_1Pw1xm9U

[Emma Beth]

Melissa, thank you for that perspective.

As I am at a point of questioning myself about a lot of things, you give me hope and keep my head out of the clouds at the same time.

When one realizes, or has that epiphany about one self, and embarks on this journey of releasing ones inner light and self discovery; one needs to keep hope alive within.

To know that with all the self doubt and fear that comes with this territory, the outcome can be different than imagined.

As I am basically nothing more than a preteen standing among my transitioning sisters looking for that scrap of positive recognition that I am what I am and I belong on this road.

Hope that what I wish to happen when I do progress will not happen, but things will be different than what is feared.

Again, thank you.

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Liz

P.S. My signature says it all.

[KellyJameson]

Your words are stunningly beautiful to me and I know this because my eyes filled with tears as they do when I'm moved by beauty.

I did not realize how dependent we could be on our external appearance for reaching this goal of being authentic until I had experienced enough pain of having lived inauthentically.

This is the tension I have always felt between being pushed to be inauthentic by circumstances but with the need to be authentic as an act of self discovery and self expression.

We cannot discover ourselves fully until we live our gender.

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

HIG
Rita

[Jorja]

You see, those of us that have been through it, can only give you our experiences. We can only tell you what our fears and joys are/were at that time in our lives. As you read our words, you can take them or leave them, whichever fits your own style and beliefs. To truely live and learn you must have your own experiences, fears and joys. Only then will you grow.

[Nigella]

And that Jorja is the crux of transitioning, it is a personal experience. No matter how we mostly share the same pitfalls, triumphs, losses etc it is how they affect us individually and how we individually deal with them.

[Kathryn Martin]

And if you are hemming and hawing, and are filling in your future before it's happened, my advice is STOP IT. I don't mean any of this as a call to action by any fence sitters. I just mean to warn you that there's a fine line between contingency planning for bad future outcomes, and failing to realize you can't really predict what the future outcomes will be.

It is interesting that most transitioners whether to gender outlaw or to a binary target mostly think about negative consequences and anticipate, loss, destruction, failure, collapse etc rather than ask themselves how to best be successful. It reveals a deep distrust in themselves, their judgement and their nature. THAT in my view says more than anything else. Reality bites but it does for everyone, we are just another bozo on a bus.

[I Am Paula]

Beautiful post Melissa.
I'm financially secure, my friends, for now, are staying my friends, and almost everything seems rosy. My one hurdle, and it's a biggie, is if my wife is going to stay. Some days I'm sure she will. Other days I come home expecting to find the house gone, and a note pinned to the lawn. Given that my marriage weighs more heavily on my future than the other things, I'd say I'm at a comfortable 50/50.
Not bad when I hear of the things some of my sisters are going thru'.

[LeaP]

As much as anything else, 'Lissa, my thread was about too much change going on in my life right now. I've been a little depressed in the last week and I also feel knocked back into myself a little. I don't handle change particularly well as it is and I have a new job (started 2 days ago), I'm in an unfamiliar city, I'm staying in hotels or traveling for the next month, my house is being pulled apart and put back together again for staging and sale, my wife, who has remained behind for God knows how long has had some health issues crop up, my finances have turned into a complete disaster, and, last but not least, all against the background of trans upheaval.

I have some apprehension about living in the South. It is not all preconceived notions, as I lived in Richmond, VA for 6 years, plus my wife is FROM the South. There are pockets of tolerance and I genuinely love people down here. But the Bible Belt mentality is also real. It's the present that's disturbing my equilibrium, not so much thoughts of the future.

[DebbieL]

I've come out at work, but have not yet made arrangements to work full time as Debbie. I'm a consultant and I have to be sensitive to clients. I also have a couple of co-workers who are "right wing". It's hard to get through a lunch without hearing him spout Fox News mentality. I worry about 2-3 people might do or how they react, but I chose my employer because they had a strong diversity program, and I try to pick clients who are pro-diversity.

My brother rejected me, but my sister, children and grandchildren love me as grampa or gramma. My wife has one "fox news" brother, but he's figured out that I'm not the man he thought I was. Even at my church, there are people who know, and we talk and even joke about it. They know when I compliment them on their dress or jewelry, that I'd love to get something like it. Sometimes they will even tell me where they got it. I'm not really comfortable at the "men's bible study" - for obvious reasons :-).

I've started transition several times, and worry that the other shoe will drop where it's not expected. Thank GOD for sites like this one where I can read the experiences of others. I have also been reading a lot of books I get from Amazon. Prior to my Kindle, I'd read maybe 2 novels a year. Now, I can find and read dozens of novels and biographies with transgender themes, and they give me hope. Some cause me to mourn that I couldn't do something about it earlier, before I started puberty. I realize that back then, the treatment for most transsexuals was shock, and if that didn't work, lobotomy. Essentially, killing the transsexual while they continue to breathe. Still, I'm so grateful that young transsexuals live in a time and place where it's now possible to get meaningful therapy rather than suicide.

My wife is coming to visit the Gender therapist with me tomorrow. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm hoping that it will go well.