i am a wife of a transitioning transexual and i need help!!!

[kellypm]

hello all

my apologies if this is in the wrong place, i am married to jamie have been for over ten years now and to cut a very long story short since January jamie has started the road to becoming female , we have two young children and i have always known about the dressing although only since last year that jamie wanted to transition,

i feel i really need some advice and some help as i am really struggling, jamie is really struggling with how her body looks and is not happy with her hair and i know that part of being transexual is obviously having big issues with how your body looks and i am trying to be as supportive as possible but i still feel like i am failing, Jamie is back in the grip of self hatred about her body and says like she is fighting it all the time, i dont know what to say to help, nothing i have said so far seems to make any difference.
every day i basically feel like i am on an edge waiting to see what emotional state Jamie is in and i dont know what else too do to help!! we have made an appointment for her to have her hair done and im hoping that will help but im also filled with dread at what happens if she doesnt like it?
what else can i do ?? any help gratefully received .

many thanks

Kelly

[STACY B]

Get her to a therapist an then maybe hrt will be next ,, But a therapist can work wonders . All that hair an nails an wardrobe stuff sounds like a CD ,, You an she have a lot to do ,, So a therapist will lead you in the right direction ! Don't wait its a slow process

[Michelle.M]

It's only a matter of time before someone asks you this, so I guess I'll be the [-]first[/-] second -

Are the two of you in therapy with a therapist who has experience with gender issues? That you are supportive of her transition is beyond wonderful, but this is a journey for you, too. These are issues you both should be working on under the guidance of an experienced counselor or therapist.

[DeidraDee63]

My heart goes out to both of you and I hope you and Jamie are getting the proper medical guidance!! It is fabulous that you are supporting her on this journey. Best is to be the way you are but she has to deal with her issues herself, I know, I am very appreciative and receptive of positive comments, I would suggest support the positive and ignore the negative let her learn on her own, it is very hard I know but in the end I think you will both be better for it. I recently started HRT, but for other medical issues but my wife (a medical professional), the doctor and I discussed what might happen she says she supports me 100% and that is great but talking and seeing can be two different things. I think you both have to take it slow and if Jamie starts having issues, support her but let her figure it out on her own; you are your own woman and she has to learn to be her own woman. Jamie also has to understand you also have feelings, emotions and normal hormone fluctuations. please continue to follow the others on this forum there is a wealth of great info and people here. Also please understand I am from a slightly different outlook having been diagnosed as having a mild variation of an intersex syndrome and put on hormones for other medical issues primary to my gender issues. Finally she also has to remember her responsibility to you and your children should be primary to her own wants, need or desires, sorry just my personal opinion. One final thought, the pink fog can be beautiful, wonderful and awesome but it can also hide a sea of turmoil and hazards for all involved.

[arbon]

help her save money for ffs, srs, boobs.... you can change quite a bit, and the things you can't change you just have to learn to live with.

[Kimberly Kael]

i feel i really need some advice and some help as i am really struggling, jamie is really struggling with how her body looks and is not happy with her hair and i know that part of being transexual is obviously having big issues with how your body looks and i am trying to be as supportive as possible but i still feel like i am failing, Jamie is back in the grip of self hatred about her body and says like she is fighting it all the time, i dont know what to say to help, nothing i have said so far seems to make any difference.

Fears are often rooted in irrationality, so talking to her isn't necessarily going to help in the short term. I didn't experience that kind of intense feeling about my body — I'd say it was more akin to disappointment than hatred — but I can say that it was helpful for me to be included in women's spaces. Not being rejected can do more for her self esteem than soothing promises of acceptance. Is there a group of good friends that you can arrange to be around? She needs to learn that every woman has misgivings about her shape or size, that we're all affected by unrealistic airbrushed portrayals in media, and that learning to get past it is part of being a woman. Think of her as a teenager coping with puberty and you may get a better feel for what she's dealing with. She needs to grow up, but there's bound to be some acting out along the way. Therapy, whether together or on her own, is also worthwhile if you can find someone she trusts and connects with.

... but you also mentioned that you were struggling. What has been hardest for you? There are other SOs here, and among the transitioned there are also those who have seen their partner through the hardest parts and have been able to reestablish a stable, happy life together. This time four years ago my wife and I were working through it all, and I remember vividly just how difficult it was for her at the time.

[Jorja]

First of all, I think you and especially Jamie need to fully understand, this is NOT an overnight process. It can and probably will take several YEARS to get a body even close to what is imagined. It can be expensive, painful, and down right frustrating to get to that place where she feels comfortable with her body. Get her into therapy with a therapist experienced in gender issues. You might have to travel a distance for this but it is totally worth it if a successful transition is expected.

[Princess Grandpa]

/hug

You are a wonderful woman to support her like this. I have nothing of substance to add here I'm afraid. I just want to offer my support to you. /hug. You two have a tough road ahead. As suggested if your not seeing a therapist you both should. Make sure it's a good one with ph experience in this type of issue. I have great respect for therapy but a grey mistrust of therapists. Be careful!

Hug
Rita

[Badtranny]

I need to echo what Jorja said. This is a looooooooong process that is measured in years not weeks & months. I know lots of T-girls and NONE of us are happy about our bodies. It's important to note that we still deal with it and live our lives without throwing fits and making everyone around us miserable. Therapy is a good idea but she needs to get out of her head and into the community. Find some trans women that have already transitioned and hang out with them. Her perspective will change completely when she meets a 6'5" trans woman who just deals with her lot the best she can.

There are also plenty of surgical procedures that can help. I am currently recovering in Mexico from my second trip to the well for a bunch of feminization procedures. There is always a way to maximize your potential but it takes a clear head and sober planning.

Transition is not for the weak of spirit so if she were hanging out with me, I would tell her to get a hold of herself cuz she hasn't seen nothing yet.

[Stephanie-L]

I must echo what others have said. Both of you need to be in therapy, with a therapist experienced in gender issues. Your spouse sounds like she needs to figure out exactly what she wants, and start dealing with the reality of it. As Melissa said, I have not yet met a transwoman who is absolutely satisfied with her body, in fact I have met at least one that I would consider a plastic surgery addict, but her looks are important to her professionally, so maybe not. Transitioning does take years, I have been actively transitioning for over 2 years, and I expect I will have at least 2 more to finish most of the physical stuff. But the more important part is the mental transition, this is slow and subtle, therapy helps, as well as other things, like the real life experience. Having a supportive spouse is a wonderful thing, and I commend you, but in some ways it also makes it a bit harder, your spouse needs to remember that they are affecting you and the rest of the family with their actions, and at least try to minimize the impact if they can. Much luck to both of you.......................Stephanie

[Jorja]

Therapy is a good idea but she needs to get out of her head and into the community. Find some trans women that have already transitioned and hang out with them. Her perspective will change completely when she meets a 6'5" trans woman who just deals with her lot the best she can.

I agree with this!

[kellypm]

thank you all for your varying advice, in answer to some of your questions we have both had some therapy me quite a lot and jamie just enough to get refered to charings cross gender identity in london, i have said many times to jamie that i think she needs to have further counselling to help her with some of the emotional and mental issues that transitioning bring up but i cant force her it as to be her choice and she does not agree its needed, we both know that this is an incredibly long journey and please believe me we are both acutley aware of how long and difficult process it is. i felt i needed to come here to find people that know what i am talking about if anyone knows anyone i would love to talk to any other wives out there in the same postiton as me or someone who has been thru it??

hopefully you ladies can help me to not feel quite so lost in this unpredictable minefield of emotions i thank you in advance x

[melissaK]

Go join Loved One forum here. You'll get other wives POV.

[Rianna Humble]

Melissa, has it occurred to you that Kelly might actually want the point of view of people who understand some of what Jamie is going through?

I think that the fact that Kelly posted here seeking the point of view of other transsexual members speaks volumes for the depth of her love for Jamie.

[kellypm]

thank you Rianna x