Out of the blue...

[Jenny CD]

My boss asked me if I was gay. I said no. "You're not?" - "No" - "I coulda swore you were gay?" - "I might be bi" - "I thought so, guess I better watch what I say around you."
A little later, he was fiddling with some computer wires and on one of the wires it said the words "gender changer". Those of you that know a little bit about computers knows this term. Anyway, he read the words and gave me a funny look.
I felt offended, but I'm not sure how to handle this because the way that I'm employed is not traditional employment. Hard to explain.

[Sabrina133]

Seriously????? For what possible reason did your boss ask you about your sexual identity? How could that even be relevant in the work place and why did it come up? Why should he even care? Is he that obtuse? Does your company have an HR Department? If so, that may be your best option.

Bree

[Jenny CD]

No HR department, they own the business. They ARE the HR department.

[linda allen]

"gender adapter" is how I've usually seen it described and it changes a male connector to a female or vice versa. For the really technically challenged, the plug on your toaster is "male" and the receptacle it plugs into is "female". This terminology has been in use for many years.

As for the boss asking an employee if he is gay, that's probably illegal, at least in the USA, but it's only illegal if it offends the person involve or someone else who hears it. It would be illegal if the boss treated the employee differently or fired him because of being gay or being suspected of being gay.

As for his comment about watching what he says around you, I would just tell him not to worry about it, you're a big boy. In other words, just brush the whole incident under the carpet and just continue how you were before this conversation.

[Sabrina133]

Wow - doesnt seem like a great place to work - believe me i know the feeling. In all honesty though, while his even broaching the subject is in all probably illegal, once he asked you, your best bet would have been to simply say no and leave it at that.

[Jenny CD]

Well, I've never been asked that by a person of authority. I was a little bit in shock because there was no provocation to the question. I was just standing there.

[Beverley Sims]

Sounds like he is sounding you out.
I am gay, and happy all the time.
That is my reply. :)

[monalisa]

He was interested in you and thought he would ask you basically if you wanted to be with him. Maybe he saw something that made him wonder. You could say no I'm not gay or interested or excuse me while I change into something so you can take me to dinner.

[GaleWarning]

Since he asked, I think you might have been honest with him and told him that you are a crossdresser. Honesty is always the best policy, in my experience.

He is bound by law to treat you fairly as an employee, without regard to your CD status.

[Sabrina133]

... He is bound by law to treat you fairly as an employee, without regard to your CD status.

Be careful about thinking the "law is on my side." Lots of folks think that is true only to find out they didnt read the fine print. Thats why there are so many of us lawyers around. AM not a labor law expert but many companies, especially small privately owned companies are much less constrained by DOL rules and regulations than the big large publically ones. Most exempt labor catagories opeate on what is known as mutual consent - they consent to hire you, you consent to work for them. Either party may remove the consent at any time. While the law does prohibit taking someone's sexual orientation into consideration for hiring them (hence the reason why an employer should never never ask that question), it does not prevent that employer from terminating that employee for what ever reason they wish. That is why i cant believe Jenny's boss actually asked her that question. Of course doing so would be grounds for civil action (again, those darn lawyers). Remember that in civil litigation, the burden of proof - that he asked you and that it was the proximate cause of your termination - would be yours.

Please believe me, i speak from painful experience.

[robindee36]

Jenny, if there is no mechanism or desire on your part to pursue a harassment claim, just let it go. Might have been better to have answered NO to all his queries, with severe indignation. Might have even been worth while to feign shock and insult at such an intrusive question.

Now that that ship has sailed, probably need an alternate plan B if you remain at this firm. Personally, I liked the levity of Beverly's comment. Perhaps you can find a way to turn things around on this prick the next time he has a go at you.

Whatever, stay strong girl. It can be a cruel world and a lot of it lands on the Trans community.

Hugs, Robin

[Lorileah]

I am kind of concerned now that he even has to think he needs to be careful what he says. Seems he is already biased. And my other concern now is what if he starts sexually harassing you? I can see that coming since he asked your orientation. (either asking you to do something or threatening you with exposure) Yes I am a curmudgeon

[anneob2002]

Hard to say without knowing him. Some people like to just talk about the pink elephant in the room and then that's it.

MAYBE he has some issues with his own sexuality and is looking for a common point between you.

Maybe he'll never bring it up again but...

The smarter thing for him to do would have been to never bring it up.

Now, anything negative that may occur will feel like it is rooted in this initial conversation and not to mention, it put you into an uneasy position.

Not his best move. We'll have to see where it goes.

[NicoleScott]

It sounds like he's curious. He didn't jump through the roof when you said you might be bi, so he might not have a problem with whatever you tell him.

As for his "I better watch what I say" comment, it seems that a lot of people think it's OK to tell jokes/make comments about groups of people as long as there aren't any of those people in the audience.

[giuseppina]

...He is bound by law to treat you fairly as an employee, without regard to your CD status.

True, but employers can find reasons to dismiss employees on performance grounds to cover up the real issue. They only have to document the employees mistakes.

I would be inclined to start looking for alternative employment, WITHOUT using office information systems and telephone networks. It's also not a good idea to look for a job on company property. That way, nobody can claim to have caught you in the act. Some companies will fire an employee caught looking for another job.

There is no expectation of privacy on company computer and telephone networks.

[Sabrina133]

... Yes I am a curmudgeon

And you should be. IT just sounds really bad.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Are you Gay? If you were would it matter to him or anyone else for that matter. If asked that question I would have immediately responded with a series of questions back at him. "Why do you ask"?, If I were gay would it matter to you? Do I act gay?. Oh hell I don't know it just seems like I could ask any number of questions and based on his responses I could ask even more. If he said that he couldn't have a gay employee working for him then I would, based on my situation weigh my response appropriately. In most cases I would say, "hell no I am not gay, are you???
If he said he was and I was gay I then might say, well hell "how about a drink after work? LOL!!!!

[I Am Paula]

A memo went around a work place I was at. In an attempt to be politically correct the wording just came out all wrong. It was years ago, so I'm para phrasing.

Mr.XX has made it known to management that he is gay. As good natured as all the teasing was, it must stop, because it is now a legal matter.

[Diversity]

Your boss does not sound like he's aware of HR issues and the potentially damaging situation he is placing himself in. He is walking on thin ice, and I would not be afraid to put the trump card down should he become more insensitive to your feelings, and obnoxious in his own behavior. Maintain your resolve to carry on as normal, and hopefully this will only be a one-time instance.
Good luck.
Di

[Jean 103]

If he is always this direct and it is a small company, at this point I would let it go. If you are otherwise on good terms with him it will probably not be a big thing .

[Tracii G]

I never answer that question in a work place situation. I would turn it around and ask them are you gay and follow with its OK with me if you are.
I had that happen a few times at work and never gave an answer one way or the other.

[mikiSJ]

Here's hoping you live in California and any other progressive state that has gender bias/discrimination laws.

Good luck and keep a VERY DETAILED journal of ALL of your contacts with your boss - starting with the one you jusdt posted about.

[NathalieX66]

Inappropriate question, and off-limits. ....simple as that.

Whether you are, or aren't , you are entitled to your private life. ...as is everyone else.

[Dianne S]

I would have replied with my standard reply: "Why do you ask?"

Depending on the response, you'd either let him down gently, have a laugh, or consider whether the laws in your jurisdiction prohibit discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation or gender identification.

[Jorja]

You should have just stomped a mud hole in his ass and then, asked what do you think? Now mind you, this will probably get you fired so you might want to have something else lined up first. Also, if he presses assault charges it might mean some prison time but don't sweat the small stuff.

Really, just keep your eyes and ears open from now on. I personally would let it drop this time. You told him you are not gay, that should be the end of it. However, it would be my bet he has homophobic tenancies and is looking for an excuse.

[Stephanie Miller]

I kind of took it that you and the boss work around each other pretty regular. He has gotten to know you well enough to be straight forward and ask. Kind of like a friend might ask another. No harm meant. I mean, if he already thought you were gay and it really didn't bother him enough to worry about - why worry. As far as the "I better watch what I say"..... I'm catholic and I get a kick outa some religious jokes, but when people find out my faith they watch what they say for fear of offending me. Not because they are bothered by my faith.
I say keep the channels open and educate.
If he starts to go too far, say something and it will probably stop.

[Chickhe]

...is it wrong of him to ask? If he likes the work you do and is just a curious question to get to know you better, then no harm in asking, but you don't have to answer. You can ask him, why is he asking, is he gay? but, as a rule, I keep a record of anything I find to be unusual because often in the future you find out what provoked it. and...just suppose you did need legal help later on, having facts will support a claim. It is worth being prepared.

[LilSissyStevie]

Maybe he's just asking because he'd like to offer you a "raise.":heehee:

[Jenny CD]

Maybe he's just asking because he'd like to offer you a "raise.":heehee:

Ha!
Thanks for all the advice. He hasn't mentioned it again. So, I wrote it in my journal and hopefully it just passes. Yes, I do work around him daily and he has since given me compliments on my customer service. So, I'm thinking it was just a curious question.

[kimdl93]

That's a very odd question

[Stephanie47]

Since he asked, I think you might have been honest with him and told him that you are a crossdresser. Honesty is always the best policy, in my experience.

He is bound by law to treat you fairly as an employee, without regard to your CD status.

The boss asked whether he was gay. He answered truthfully that he was not. There was no reason to go into any more depth concerning sexuality than answering yes or no.

I see absolutely no reason to go through life with a sandwich board on your body advertising every intimate detail of your life.

As to whether the employer is bound by law "to treat you fairly as an employee, without regard to your CD status." I don;t know what state we're talking about. Not every state treats a cross dresser the same.

[mikiSJ]

Not every state treats a cross dresser the same.[miki's edit: or any LGBT individual]

The understatement of the day!

[jessicapaige]

I kind of took it that you and the boss work around each other pretty regular. He has gotten to know you well enough to be straight forward and ask. Kind of like a friend might ask another. No harm meant. I mean, if he already thought you were gay and it really didn't bother him enough to worry about - why worry.

This is what I got from the story... I didn't read anything that sounded so bad, but of course I don't know what the relationship has been like before this.

I'm happy that my boss and I are very friendly so if a moment like this were to come up I wouldn't be upset... but then again I don't think he would do something like that with the intent of being hurtful.

[lingerieLiz]

He sounds like he doesn't know what not to ask. However, he also doesn't sound like he meant bad. He may have asked and got more information than he wanted. I've been a manager of gays and wished they would just come out and enjoy the freedom to be themselves. I've also managed some who were out and open about it. One who openly talked about his gay pride parade participation with any and all. While some in the office may have not accepted the life style most all accepted the diversity.

So do not assume the worst.

[candydawn75]

I totally understand the atmosphere of where you work. I work in a VERY conservative school and really have to watch my Ps and Qs about dressing. Yes the law is the law, but trust me I have been in management and you can always "find" a reason to fire someone and get around the law, especially depending on the states right to work laws. Have you ever taken a company pen?? Welp see ya!! That is stealing from the company. I don't condone it but it is just a cruel fact of life. I am changing jobs in a few weeks and going to another school that is more open to LGTB (no totally straight), and hoping they won't even bat an eye at me. I don't dress openly but I do shave from head to toe and have shaped brows and man to I get some looks at the school I am at now.

Anyway good luck!! I would however document this in some way (date and time) so if something does happen you have a leg to stand on.

[heatherdress]

Jenny - seems like you handled this the best you could and that it has not become a bigger problem. Good for you. We all need our jobs, even if we have to endure bad bosses and negative experiences. There were many good ideas offered. I hope this will not happen again. Good luck.