help with find who I am

[Office Stacy]

Its been so long since I have posted anything.
So I need so help. I am an engineer, so my mind is also looking at things and trying to make them better or fixing problems.
So I am having a hard time understanding myself. Over time I feel like I am losing how I am.

I have been dressing for many years. I never thought I was a woman in a man's body and dont likeguys. Love heels, nylons and fem stuff. I do think I look cute and passiable dressed. But feel ashamed about it and don't want people it make fun of me when I am dressed. Also I feel as comfortble in my fem clothes has much as in my guy clothes. But girl clothes are so much fun.

So where do I fit into the big picture? I am looking for help or advice so I can be happy with who I am.

[TonyaV]

Hang out with us here a while. I promise, you'll figure it out on your own.

[Jaylyn]

Stacy, maybe you are kinda like me, I just love wearing the clothing and looking like a woman as much as I can. I also enjoy being a man and getting all dirty in work. I think we fit in as the true CDs. We enjoy wearing and dressing up like a women. Just roll with the feelings. Nothing is wrong with dressing. If one takes anything to the extremes even golf, fishing, hunting, or even dressing maybe then we should worry about us. Now that said I need to go and fix my makeup...

[Princess Grandpa]

You fit like many of us. We are off the rack and in need of tailoring. /giggle. Your story is like many here. It wasn't until I started reading this site that I understood the vast majority of dressers were hetro. The first thing after coming to understand that I like to dress in women's clothing, I started looking for the whys of it and the appropriate label group I fit into. Here is what I have learned.

1) Nobody understands labels and what they mean is different to each person. So don't stress on it, just have fun.
2) it really doesn't matter why just have fun with it.

The main theme I want to get across is have fun with it. Relax and enjoy being who you are.

If you go out in public dressed either you completely pass and nobody will ever know. You will sometimes pass, some people will be accepting and wonderful and some will be morons. Or you never pass and the people you meet will be accepting and wonderful and some will be morons. Many are afraid of those morons and never leave their house because of that fear. Many aren't afraid, they do leave their house, and seem to report lots more wonderful people than morons.

[Lorileah]

So where do I fit into the big picture? I am looking for help or advice so I can be happy with who I am.

You fit here in this forum. You are a transgender person, further definition is up to you (there is a sticky at the top where definitions are listed). Accepting yourself is the first step to happiness. :)

[KellyJameson]

Why are you unhappy with who you are? Are you questioning your gender identity?

Clothes only have the power that you give them otherwise they are just clothes.

They may be beautiful to look at or erotic to wear. They may be symbolic of femininity or the textures may give you pleasure through their touch.

Engineers and intellectuals in general seem to have a refined nervous system that operates at a higher sensitivity so the fabrics, colors and textures of the clothing would have a strong allure regardless of who they are made for.

Would you be interested in the clothing if the clothing was made for men and not women?

Who you desire sexually is not necessarily correlated with crossdressing and crossdressers run the whole gamut of human sexuality.

[Lynn Marie]

I do think I look cute and passiable dressed. But feel ashamed about it and don't want people it make fun of me when I am dressed.

Hi Stacy, I get the feeling that these two sentences are at the core of what you are asking help with. All I know is that if you are ashamed, others will see that and my ridicule you. On the other hand, if you are confident and bold and fearless, others will respect that and even think you know something they dont! BTW, I didn't say "act" confident. You probably heard the phrase that "confidence is a powerful aphrodasic". It's quite true and in addition it puts others at ease with you. It's pretty simple really, dress with style, take charge, own the place, and strut your stuff.

[Tina B.]

Sounds like the making of a classic closet cross dresser. But only you can know for sure.
While I dress regularly, I don't go out for pretty much the same reason you fear it. I don't feel passable, and live in a small town where ridicule could be hard to live with. But I love dressing, and have done it all my life, and will continue. But other than here, I consider it a private thing between me and my wife.
We all just try to find or own spot on the scale as to what we are, because we are all individuals and differ in many ways. We have heard many reasons people do it, and while many may sound similar, many others are totally different. Stick around though and this much will help you figure it out as they get to know you, and some of what make you, you.

[daarleane]

I agree with your write up 100%. We share the same puzzlement, but I would also like to add the element of responsibility to it. How can you stop being a husband, father and grandfather? I know crossdressing helps me with me with stress relief but I can't figure out how to incorporate it into my life without destroying myself. I know "To thine own self be true" but how do you do it?

[Jilmac]

I forgive you for being an engineer, lol. Now your description of yourself could be the majority of this forum. The fact that you like wearing feminine finery is nothing is nothing to be ashamed of. You're in the right place to glean information and find your true self. The first step in gaining acceptance from others is accepting you for your whole self.

[Julie Bender]

First of all...you are not broken just because you are diferent from society's norm! Society is broken!
Secondly of course you like female things guys have always liked female things so why not wear them too!
They feel good....*hugs*
You are not broken!!

[Jenniferathome]

You're a cross dresser. That's it. Shame is not with your time. You were born this way. Embrace it.

[Polka Dot]

Stacy,
I know where you are coming from. I have struggled through this same feeling for many years. I have just recently begun to analyze my dressing habits and learned that I have no desire to try to pass or go outside my house. I just like the way the clothes feel, and when I wear them I feel sexy and good. No shame necessary, I think girl clothes are way more interesting than guy clothes.

Just relax, and enjoy your dress-up time.

[Office Stacy]

Thank you all for your replies. They were very helpful.

[JustAlex]

I'm also in the technical field and, as you, I have a problem solving oriented mind. I've been there too. But I dismissed the question after a short while. The question itself makes no sense at all. We are what we are. There no big picture to fit in, the last thing you want is a tag. In the end, if tags are really necessary, there are as many tags as people.

The question is if you want to be what you are or do you want to become something else. I asked that myself. I considered abandoning CDing and live a more "normal" life, I don't think it's impossible. I went on and off for a while, eventually I decided to live my life my way and keep some aspects of it to myself. Among them, my CDing and my years of service as an asset for a national intelligence service... just kidding... I'm not a CD... :)
Anyway, my point is that it's your life and you have to make the choices that make your life what it is. And there's nothing wrong with having parts of your life that you only share with nobody or only somebody special. Granted, CDing implies some logistic problems. But you have a problem solving mind, you'll figure that out. I know is not easy but I can tell you, based on years of experience, that it's not impossible.

[Jolene Robertson]

HI Stacy,
At least you are looking or the answers and asking the right questions. I kept my "shame" so deeply hidden for most o my life, that I got lost. Our backgrounds are similar so I know where your mind set is, but embrace it and become your self. After my wife finally started asking questions and I came out, my happiness started and I can finally accept who I am.
Hope you find your happy place.

Hugs
Jolene

[Beverley Sims]

Stacy,
you are just like the rest of us, Tonya has it right.

[kimdl93]

The most frustrating thing for a transgendered person is obsessing over why. There are lots of possible explanations, but nothing definitive. So if your analytical mind seeks that answer, you'll most likely continue to feel conflicted. Accept that there are a number of possibilities, and you're next steps are easier.

Then deal with the guilt, shame and fear. There's nothing to feel guilty about-this is not a crime. There's nothing to be ashamed of...you've harmed no one and you're a contributing member of society. As for fear, read up on the many, many positive experiences reported here. You'll see evidence that our fears are grossly exaggerated, that most people we meet are surprisingly accepting and there is great joy in experiencing life en femme.

[Debra Russell]

......advice - just go with it hun, nothing to be ashamed of and we are here..........................Debra

[carhill2mn]

Hi Stacy,

Welcome to a group that totally understands! Where do you "fit in the big picture"? You fit right in with many of us - born
male, hetero-sexual, love and admire women, love to dress, look and act as a woman.

Enjoy!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stacy, If you ever get it figured out please let the rest of us know.

[AmyGaleRT]

Stacy, you and I are probably a lot alike, and not just because I'm an engineer, too. :)

I experienced the same feelings of being comfortable and happy when I branched out from wearing just nightgowns and put on some actual dresses. It took me some time and some outside insights to figure out why, but my belief is that I have a part-female soul. Not enough to feel "trapped" in a male body, but enough so that the girl wants to be let out once in a while. It gives me a perspective shift; as Amy, my femmeself is in charge, but my male self is still present "in the background." And, when I go back to drab, it's the reverse.

I don't think people would laugh at you; it's been my experience that most people don't really care all that much, and, as long as you maintain confidence, will tend to see you as you present yourself. So don't fear and don't be ashamed.

You're not "losing" who you are, you're learning more about who you really are inside.

As for where you fit...as Tonya and others have said, you fit right here. You're a crossdresser...and that means, here, you'll be treated like a lady. :)

- Amy

[biggirlsarah]

So where do I fit into the big picture? I am looking for help or advice so I can be happy with who I am.
To try and answer a question with a question Why do you think you have to fit into the big picture?,

[heatherdress]

Stacy - You are an engineer. This should be an easy question to answer. Clearly define the problem or problems you are trying to solve. Next you determine your problem solving process. Charts help. Collect your data. Run some tests. Analyze. Determine possible courses of actions or solutions. Your analysis will most likely yield:

- You are a crossdresser (you crossdress, you like to crossdress, you love heels, nylons and fem stuff, you look cute and passable dressed)
- You do not let yourself enjoy doing something that you like to do (you worry about what other people might discover or think or care or say)

Solutions:
- Continue to worry and do not let yourself live your life to the fullest, do not let yourself be happy
or
- Accept you are a crossdresser, accept that others will not accept how you dress, accept that you are doing nothing illegal or immoral or harmful or wrong, realize that you only have one life to live and enjoy each and every opportunity to crossdress


Be happy with who you are and do the right things - live your life to the fullest and be thankful for being you - that is the big picture in life (by the way, be thankful that you pass - you are lucky, too)

[Sonya]

I feel just like you and I am an engineer too. I am afraid i don't have much advise. I need help to...

[Kimberly Kael]

So I need some help. I am an engineer, so my mind is also looking at things and trying to make them better or fixing problems.

There are plenty of engineers here to keep you company, myself included. Sadly, the questions you're asking are probably better addressed by a poet or a philosopher! Your analytical side will come in handy when you've got your answer and are trying to decide what to do about it. For now, you're going to have to set logic aside and deal with the realm of emotions and feelings.


So I am having a hard time understanding myself. Over time I feel like I am losing how I am.

In my journey I found that doubt to be extremely useful. It meant I was starting to deconstruct the nice, simple precepts of gender and realize that it was never that simple. It's akin to taking the red pill (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_pill_and_blue_pill) in that you're just starting to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. It's easier to go through life blissfully unaware, but more rewarding to get the big picture and make sense of it.


I have been dressing for many years. I never thought I was a woman in a man's body and don't like guys. Love heels, nylons and fem stuff. I do think I look cute and passiable dressed. But feel ashamed about it and don't want people to make fun of me when I am dressed. Also I feel as comfortable in my fem clothes has much as in my guy clothes. But girl clothes are so much fun.

It sounds like you've got a good handle on quite a few aspects of who you are. The hard part from here is shaking the feeling of shame. There's nothing wrong with dressing as you please, you just have to deal with preconceived notions of your own and by others about what's appropriate. Those who would make fun of you are simply dealing with their own insecurities and narrow view of the world. You only need to worry about others to the extent that they've earned your respect or have control over your life. If you're dressing in private? The only person you need to listen to is you.


So where do I fit into the big picture? I am looking for help or advice so I can be happy with who I am.

Nobody can tell you for certain. Everyone here is likely to see some of themselves in you, and you've seen plenty of posts along those lines: "you're just like us!" The reality is that we're a pretty diverse bunch with a variety of orientations and identities. You are uniquely you and will find your own path in time. You might go your entire life dressing purely for yourself in private, or you might share with someone close to you. You might like the feeling of going out in public, whether it's near home or only on vacation far from people who know you. You might enjoy blending a little feminine flair into your day-to-day appearance. Or you might find, as you peel back the layers of self-recrimination, that it's not just about the clothing but rather a deeper gender identity.

It's your journey. The rest of us are here to share ideas and experiences, but it's up to you to decide when and how to integrate them into your own identity.

[daarleane]

As I read this thread I know i am just another one of those engineers. What I think makes it difficult for us is that people expect us to "provide the solution" and with our mindset this whole gender thing just doesn't work. We can't rationalize it. To me it is like poetry, I admire it but I just don't understand it. Crossdressing is one thing though that this old tired person is planning on enjoying for the rest of my days. It does not need to be "justified" or "explained", it just needs to be enjoyed.

[Krististeph]

Agreed with the others- just hang here for a while- don't worry about categorizing yourself. I've a engineer/poly-math- i've overanalyzed myself enough to know it's okay to do at first, but it can get out of hand. Cd/TG coaching should be more of writer's or maybe dancer's touch, than engineering, perhaps.

relax, enjoy the fun, don't worry about the ********.

[robindee36]

Stacy, some find it necessary to analyze what we do as CD's, who we are, what our fit is in life. It can become a very heady exercise with questionable outcomes. Yes, I am an engineer too but that has no real bearing on my dressing and wanting to feminize myself. No, I am not a woman trapped in a man's body, or at least I don't think this is the case.

My passion is for things feminine, and enjoying the time spent in that mode. Yes, I love women and strive to be more like them. Love them even more when they're CD's like me ;)

Some advice I received early on in my dressing, "just have fun with it". And this girl certainly does.

Hugs, Robin