Becoming Brianna
07-19-2013, 03:51 AM
Hi Everyone! I know it's been awhile since I've posted but it's because I wanted to make sure I was in a good place mentally before posting again. I did not want you all to be constantly bothered with a barrage of mood swings and will I or won't I transition questions with a list of fears and doubts etc. I decided to take the advice that others on this forum had given me and try to find my own path and understanding of myself however I needed to do so. My Junior year of college was rough and filled with all of these doubts and questions. It got so bad that I wanted to leave school to try to find myself. Thankfully, my friends and parents assured me that I could do so just fine without making such a rash decision. I did not believe them but for the sake of my future I tried to hold on. I tried to invest in myself and different experiences (traveling study etc) and went to China hoping it would fix me and my mind would be at peace.
In the final analysis, my first two months abroad were a slow positive march rife with major setbacks. I learned to live on my own but was still trying to figure out where I fit on the gender spectrum. At times I was fully convinced that I was male, at others I was sure that I was going to transition at the first opportunity (that is to say after I left home on a more permanent basis and received the chance to start a new life). Still, however, depression plagued me, not always about my gender issues although they were a big part of it, but also how far behind I was in relation to my fellow group members when it came to personal development. I tried to please everybody and be everyone's friend. As a result, I went through a period (that started even before I left for China) wherein I drank heavily and at every opportunity. It wasn't the way I wanted to be but it was the only way to make my sadness and confusion go away for a couple of hours. I kept waiting for a deus ex machina to come into my life and fix everything and continued to derive my happiness externally. I wanted to find someone to love me for who I am and to understand me better even than I understood myself at the time. My parents worried about me and I worried about myself. I wanted to get back to the hardworking student who loved to study the kind of person I know that I am but I just couldn't. I spoke to my mother often about my gender issues and finally became close enough to a group member to open up to her. She spoke to me about it and our relationship deepened. The one thing she said, besides telling me a cautionary tale about an MTF she knew who regretted her decision and wanted to return to being a male, that I really took away from our talks was the following:
"When I hear you talk about this, I do not hear a woman talking. I hear a man trying to understand himself and find himself. It seems to me that you have done so much thinking and analysis that you have effectively rationalized it both ways for yourself. If I tell you why you should transition you would tell me why you shouldn't and if I tell you why you shouldn't you would tell me why you should."
Her words hit me hard and I spent days chewing on them thinking them over and trying to understand what they meant in relation to my situation. What she had said, was true at least in part. I had done so much thinking and analysis and turned my brain in so many directions that I could not think clearly anymore on this or any issue. Then I thought about the first thing she said, about her not having the sense that a woman is talking or not hearing that I really want to transition. (Again she is true on the second part. I don't want to transition if I can avoid it at all. It is too much of a commitment emotionally socially and financially to be entered into lightly. As for her saying that she did not hear a woman talking, there were many ways to take this. Was she trying to tell me not to transition? Does she only see my physical presentation or was she looking into my soul? I did not know at the time and this point was the one I spent the most time thinking about. Who am I really? At my core in my heart of hearts who am I? The same question I had been asking myself for years. This was made even tougher by the fact that my gender dysphoria came in waves and was something I could suppress with increasing effort. I was saddened and upset because I felt like I had made absolutely no progress. Little did I know the breakthrough that was about to come.
While I sat there thinking, I thought of something my therapist had said when I first started seeing him. That gender is a fluid continuum (I had already known this) and that not everyone fits neatly into boxes. This is the part that was difficult for me to fathom. I wanted so desperately to go into a box. I didn't necessarily care which box I just wanted an end to this raging internal tempest. If staying a man was something I could do, great. If I was forced to undergo the hard road of transition and become the woman I needed to be then that was also great. I just wanted to know what to do and be done with it. My mind couldn't take the question anymore. I was burning out in most every facet of my life and if I did not stop it soon my future was going to be in serious jeopardy. At this time I was leaning very strongly toward transition but still not ready to commit out of fear and a lingering seed of doubt the origin of which I still could not tell for certain: Self planted or socially imposed?
Suddenly it hit me. Maybe my friend was right, and maybe I was right too. She was right that I shouldn't transition and I was right that I am a woman in my heart of hearts. I had read about the non-op transsexual, a transsexual who for whatever reason be it financial fear societal pressure or otherwise chooses not to undergo the operation and tries her best to hold on and put on the face the world wants to see. I thought that perhaps this category fit me. When I thought about it some more, it really tied everything together. The desire to be female and take on female social roles (not necessarily sexual roles) which was in me from a very early age but reared its head in very ugly ways at intervals throughout my teens and twenties, my parents desire to see me hold on and continue to live the male life, a safe haven for my confusion, a purpose for my life, and a means for both sides to save face. Yes it was a compromise. Yes it was a bandage. It was probably temporary. But it worked for the time being and I was able to get through my program in China and return home with a level of confidence I hadn't possessed in years if ever. As my parents (especially my mother) and I mutually agreed on:
My head and heart are female. Always have been, always will be. But there is a reason I was born a male. I wasn't miscast necessarily. I came to this world with a very special job to do. God does not make junk and there was a reason this happened to me. In my adolescence I was just too young and too emotional to see it and instead found myself angry at God for cursing me with this burden of a body and a mind that do not match. I remember asking Him many times why He had done this to me? I demanded to know what I had done to deserve such punishment. He never answered and my anger grew. Now, however, I understand. This was all part of the plan. He put a female brain and heart into a male body so that I would understand and be able to have a relationship women on a level most men cannot reach. It will make me a better partner and make our relationship much more successful and fruitful one that is based on love. Almost a bond of sisterhood. Yes there will be a physical attraction, as I am attracted to women, but that will not be the basis of this relationship.
From then on, things left save for a few moments of dysphoria lacking their previous strength and intensity. I struggled through the last semester due to a mixture of regret for how little I felt I had accomplished during that first trip to China (looking back now it was quite a lot but I often set unrealistically high expectations), readiness to graduate, and musings about whether all of this work I was doing for my degree was worthwhile. Nevertheless, I finished school graduated Summa and set my sights on returning to China to prepare for my Master's at the same school in America. No matter what path I choose with respect to this question of gender dysphoria, I have something no one can ever take away: a college degree. That, to me, is worth a lot. I have been happier than I've ever been. I hardly ever drink and when I do I do so in moderation almost extreme moderation since I don't particularly enjoy the taste of beer. I'm on a weight loss program, I have more confidence, and I cannot even count the amount of times I smile. Before, I could count that number for any given month on one hand. Everyone who knew me before notices my happiness and how much better I feel. They all admit that they like me better now than they did but that they could not abandon me during my worst times because they knew the kind of person I am and strive to be. Now to see that person beginning to emerge has made them so happy.
I wish that I could say that this understanding of myself is permanent, fixed, and unchanging (I am trying my best to make it stick because it doesn't hurt anyone I care about and everybody seems to win), but I can tell that my question has yet to be fully resolved. How do I know? Because I still have thoughts of transition, and whenever somebody gives me a motivational speech about how I can become the person I deserve to be and should be, that it's never too late to change and become who you are, I always think "I can become a woman," though I never say this out loud for fear of judgment. though recounting this story of how I have gotten to where I am has made me feel better about it. I guess because I'm all about positive progress and this is a positive step toward understanding this most fundamental of questions: who am I? I am forced to leave that question still at least slightly open to change but I feel that I am in a fairly decent spot for right now. I know this exercise program is all about eventually finding a girlfriend but who is it that will meet her? Me as a male or me as a female? I still think a lot about being in relationships as a woman but i think about it as a man as well. Sometimes I do think that this is about transition (as my last diet was which failed because it was a serious crash diet that had me dropping like 30 pounds within 2-4 weeks) but I still cannot fully convince myself of that. Luckily, as many on this forum have pointed out, the following point rings true: (and was reinforced by my Chinese teacher when I told her about my issues during a flair up of dysphoria (we are very close and can confide in each other):
"Do not allow yourself to be bothered and distracted by these things. Continue moving forward and you will find the answer eventually. I will support you no matter which path you take." I hugged her and we parted company. I knew I had made the correct decision to confide in her. It just feels so great to know that so many supportive people are out there. We talked about the possibility of past lives and future lives and that perhaps my past life was that of an Asian female who wanted to travel to America but now her soul wishes to go home (explaining my affinity for Asia). The strength of my bond with this spirit explains why she has such a strong guiding presence in my life and why I have such a strong female presence about me at least in my opinion. Maybe the dream I had of a servant girl with a penetrating gaze that saw right through me as though she knew me was my introduction to her as my guide. Thinking about this makes me hope that reincarnation exists so that maybe if I am lucky I can live the life I should be living now the next time my soul comes around: as a woman.
Sorry for the longwinded post. I just wanted to share what I've been thinking about over the past several months with respect to my gender identity as it relates to my present self-understanding. Your comments are appreciated.
In the final analysis, my first two months abroad were a slow positive march rife with major setbacks. I learned to live on my own but was still trying to figure out where I fit on the gender spectrum. At times I was fully convinced that I was male, at others I was sure that I was going to transition at the first opportunity (that is to say after I left home on a more permanent basis and received the chance to start a new life). Still, however, depression plagued me, not always about my gender issues although they were a big part of it, but also how far behind I was in relation to my fellow group members when it came to personal development. I tried to please everybody and be everyone's friend. As a result, I went through a period (that started even before I left for China) wherein I drank heavily and at every opportunity. It wasn't the way I wanted to be but it was the only way to make my sadness and confusion go away for a couple of hours. I kept waiting for a deus ex machina to come into my life and fix everything and continued to derive my happiness externally. I wanted to find someone to love me for who I am and to understand me better even than I understood myself at the time. My parents worried about me and I worried about myself. I wanted to get back to the hardworking student who loved to study the kind of person I know that I am but I just couldn't. I spoke to my mother often about my gender issues and finally became close enough to a group member to open up to her. She spoke to me about it and our relationship deepened. The one thing she said, besides telling me a cautionary tale about an MTF she knew who regretted her decision and wanted to return to being a male, that I really took away from our talks was the following:
"When I hear you talk about this, I do not hear a woman talking. I hear a man trying to understand himself and find himself. It seems to me that you have done so much thinking and analysis that you have effectively rationalized it both ways for yourself. If I tell you why you should transition you would tell me why you shouldn't and if I tell you why you shouldn't you would tell me why you should."
Her words hit me hard and I spent days chewing on them thinking them over and trying to understand what they meant in relation to my situation. What she had said, was true at least in part. I had done so much thinking and analysis and turned my brain in so many directions that I could not think clearly anymore on this or any issue. Then I thought about the first thing she said, about her not having the sense that a woman is talking or not hearing that I really want to transition. (Again she is true on the second part. I don't want to transition if I can avoid it at all. It is too much of a commitment emotionally socially and financially to be entered into lightly. As for her saying that she did not hear a woman talking, there were many ways to take this. Was she trying to tell me not to transition? Does she only see my physical presentation or was she looking into my soul? I did not know at the time and this point was the one I spent the most time thinking about. Who am I really? At my core in my heart of hearts who am I? The same question I had been asking myself for years. This was made even tougher by the fact that my gender dysphoria came in waves and was something I could suppress with increasing effort. I was saddened and upset because I felt like I had made absolutely no progress. Little did I know the breakthrough that was about to come.
While I sat there thinking, I thought of something my therapist had said when I first started seeing him. That gender is a fluid continuum (I had already known this) and that not everyone fits neatly into boxes. This is the part that was difficult for me to fathom. I wanted so desperately to go into a box. I didn't necessarily care which box I just wanted an end to this raging internal tempest. If staying a man was something I could do, great. If I was forced to undergo the hard road of transition and become the woman I needed to be then that was also great. I just wanted to know what to do and be done with it. My mind couldn't take the question anymore. I was burning out in most every facet of my life and if I did not stop it soon my future was going to be in serious jeopardy. At this time I was leaning very strongly toward transition but still not ready to commit out of fear and a lingering seed of doubt the origin of which I still could not tell for certain: Self planted or socially imposed?
Suddenly it hit me. Maybe my friend was right, and maybe I was right too. She was right that I shouldn't transition and I was right that I am a woman in my heart of hearts. I had read about the non-op transsexual, a transsexual who for whatever reason be it financial fear societal pressure or otherwise chooses not to undergo the operation and tries her best to hold on and put on the face the world wants to see. I thought that perhaps this category fit me. When I thought about it some more, it really tied everything together. The desire to be female and take on female social roles (not necessarily sexual roles) which was in me from a very early age but reared its head in very ugly ways at intervals throughout my teens and twenties, my parents desire to see me hold on and continue to live the male life, a safe haven for my confusion, a purpose for my life, and a means for both sides to save face. Yes it was a compromise. Yes it was a bandage. It was probably temporary. But it worked for the time being and I was able to get through my program in China and return home with a level of confidence I hadn't possessed in years if ever. As my parents (especially my mother) and I mutually agreed on:
My head and heart are female. Always have been, always will be. But there is a reason I was born a male. I wasn't miscast necessarily. I came to this world with a very special job to do. God does not make junk and there was a reason this happened to me. In my adolescence I was just too young and too emotional to see it and instead found myself angry at God for cursing me with this burden of a body and a mind that do not match. I remember asking Him many times why He had done this to me? I demanded to know what I had done to deserve such punishment. He never answered and my anger grew. Now, however, I understand. This was all part of the plan. He put a female brain and heart into a male body so that I would understand and be able to have a relationship women on a level most men cannot reach. It will make me a better partner and make our relationship much more successful and fruitful one that is based on love. Almost a bond of sisterhood. Yes there will be a physical attraction, as I am attracted to women, but that will not be the basis of this relationship.
From then on, things left save for a few moments of dysphoria lacking their previous strength and intensity. I struggled through the last semester due to a mixture of regret for how little I felt I had accomplished during that first trip to China (looking back now it was quite a lot but I often set unrealistically high expectations), readiness to graduate, and musings about whether all of this work I was doing for my degree was worthwhile. Nevertheless, I finished school graduated Summa and set my sights on returning to China to prepare for my Master's at the same school in America. No matter what path I choose with respect to this question of gender dysphoria, I have something no one can ever take away: a college degree. That, to me, is worth a lot. I have been happier than I've ever been. I hardly ever drink and when I do I do so in moderation almost extreme moderation since I don't particularly enjoy the taste of beer. I'm on a weight loss program, I have more confidence, and I cannot even count the amount of times I smile. Before, I could count that number for any given month on one hand. Everyone who knew me before notices my happiness and how much better I feel. They all admit that they like me better now than they did but that they could not abandon me during my worst times because they knew the kind of person I am and strive to be. Now to see that person beginning to emerge has made them so happy.
I wish that I could say that this understanding of myself is permanent, fixed, and unchanging (I am trying my best to make it stick because it doesn't hurt anyone I care about and everybody seems to win), but I can tell that my question has yet to be fully resolved. How do I know? Because I still have thoughts of transition, and whenever somebody gives me a motivational speech about how I can become the person I deserve to be and should be, that it's never too late to change and become who you are, I always think "I can become a woman," though I never say this out loud for fear of judgment. though recounting this story of how I have gotten to where I am has made me feel better about it. I guess because I'm all about positive progress and this is a positive step toward understanding this most fundamental of questions: who am I? I am forced to leave that question still at least slightly open to change but I feel that I am in a fairly decent spot for right now. I know this exercise program is all about eventually finding a girlfriend but who is it that will meet her? Me as a male or me as a female? I still think a lot about being in relationships as a woman but i think about it as a man as well. Sometimes I do think that this is about transition (as my last diet was which failed because it was a serious crash diet that had me dropping like 30 pounds within 2-4 weeks) but I still cannot fully convince myself of that. Luckily, as many on this forum have pointed out, the following point rings true: (and was reinforced by my Chinese teacher when I told her about my issues during a flair up of dysphoria (we are very close and can confide in each other):
"Do not allow yourself to be bothered and distracted by these things. Continue moving forward and you will find the answer eventually. I will support you no matter which path you take." I hugged her and we parted company. I knew I had made the correct decision to confide in her. It just feels so great to know that so many supportive people are out there. We talked about the possibility of past lives and future lives and that perhaps my past life was that of an Asian female who wanted to travel to America but now her soul wishes to go home (explaining my affinity for Asia). The strength of my bond with this spirit explains why she has such a strong guiding presence in my life and why I have such a strong female presence about me at least in my opinion. Maybe the dream I had of a servant girl with a penetrating gaze that saw right through me as though she knew me was my introduction to her as my guide. Thinking about this makes me hope that reincarnation exists so that maybe if I am lucky I can live the life I should be living now the next time my soul comes around: as a woman.
Sorry for the longwinded post. I just wanted to share what I've been thinking about over the past several months with respect to my gender identity as it relates to my present self-understanding. Your comments are appreciated.