Gender therapist: Self-acceptance

[dreamer_2.0]

So I've had three sessions with the gender specialist. She's extremely nice and makes me very comfortable; I enjoy speaking with her. Though she's really just a very expensive friend...I have to remember this is a professional relationship, not a real friendship.

In yesterday's session we discussed accepting myself, something I've had a hard time doing. One part of me has a seemingly insatiable desire to transition but the other part wants nothing to do with it. It seems like such a ridiculous idea. I've made my share of poor decisions in life but transitioning seems like the dumbest given the negative stats against TS girls. I know many girls have made it, several are on this forum, but, to me, it still seems like such a hell to intentionally go through. Yet this doesn't dissuade me for some reason. Transitioning is in my thoughts all day and all night.

In an odd exercise my therapist had me "split" the two sides. I would sit in one chair playing out one side and then sit in another chair across from me playing out the other side. It felt silly talking to an empty chair but when I got some thoughts out and both sides were communicating I actually felt a bit better. It was interesting getting good and bad thoughts out in their entirety and actually hearing them aloud. Still working on acceptance for myself, doubt that'll change over night though.

Despite the two sides being at odds with each other, I believe they both just want me happy. Therefore I should allow myself to explore the feminine side more freely to see if it truly does make me happy.

Did you always accept yourself? Do you now? What was your process of acceptance like?

[arbon]

Did you always accept yourself? Do you now? What was your process of acceptance like?

Heck no. It scared me. I was afraid of how I would be judged, starting very young, and tried very hard not to be what I was. It was not acceptable. I was so afraid of being hated and rejected.

#2 I do, mostly, now. Sometimes there are still those old tapes still play in my head about how awful it is to be someone like me.

#3 - It was long and very painful, it pretty much took a mental breakdown and my wife realizing it was a good idea to hide my gun before I gave up.

[Angela Campbell]

I always accepted myself as to being female with a male body. I was strongly conflicted about what to do about it. I never felt guilt, but felt fear of being exposed. Then came the day I realized I could do something about it. Once that pandora's box was fully opened, the fear and desperation began fighting each other within me. I think the fear lost but it still hangs around making rude comments. Accepting what I was going to do about it was difficult, but it was inevitable.

Arbon, it is funny I was also worried about being hated and rejected.....turns out I wasn't hated but I was pretty much rejected when I was trying to be a boy. So even hiding it didn't do much good.

[Marleena]

Did you always accept yourself? Nope, not always.

Do you now? Kind of, Still fighting..

What was your process of acceptance like? Many years of suppression and denial. I don't want to accept my truth because I don't like it but I have no choice, it is what it is.

[josee]

For most of my life I have not accepted myself as a female person. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. The biggest issue and greatest accomplishment in transitioning so far has been being able to accept myself and then being able to love myself. It all started by learning to accept the truth of who I am and over time becoming comfortable with myself. I may be rare in this forum in finding my faith actually helping me in this struggle.

[bethdj]

I am still working on accepting myself. That is one of the reasons I have entered into therapy.

[noeleena]

Hi,

From age 10 when my mind woke up yes mind damage or memory shut down, I knew i was different never had an issue with myself & i knew at some stage i would live as normal being female intersex, does bring a few issues was not a problem .

The time came 20 years ago & from then on till now it was a time of growing as a female should into a woman & that has taken place, yes change in body hormones my own plus later added homones to bust up where needed, surgerys a few, over the years again no issues now where it changes is of cause is the harder part of, Psychological Mental & Emotional,

That was the hardest iv ever had to go through nothing at all to do with i was different or not compleat it had to do with family our grown up kids & grandkids, the impact of this is who i am though hidden not talked about because of abuse the time i was born the lack of understanding of the times what would have happened had i said any thing & where i would have been taken,

we are talking about the time just after the 2 ww, through to the late 50's, life would have been hell.

As it was i went through hell just to stay alive, take in depression what you were distroying ( family, ) & being accepted as different, What was impreast on myself was if your different in any way youd be taken away to the nuthouse, & i know of many who were, thier life was over shattered, distroyed & no life after, so youll understand why we keeped our mouths shut tight,

Not that i knew much in those days , i just knew it would be worked out at the right time . as it has,

You were talking about two sides, male & female, okay, this is where im different there were no two sides allways has been one, male female together, for myself no seperation just one i dont know what its like to be male i never related to males so thats strange what your saying it has no meaning for me,

Female allmost all the way yet i do lack in some aspects no womb yes thats a very hard one just some of us are born with out our own womb. & facial features is the other, very masculine , yet with out my maleness & strength = strength of mind i would not have got through to where i am now . its that simple so my makeup has helped in many many ways,
so i have disadvantages as well as advantages, so i work on those where i lack i makeup in other ways, of cause theres a lot more, this is just some small part of myself,

you must love yourself love life & live life, you must grow, into who you should be, do not look left or right, allway's look to the front, no matter whats before you. hard & tough it may be , do enjoy the ride because you only get one go,& i allmost forgot,
Dont ever look back never never never..........

....noeleena...

[SilkenPrincess]

Did you always accept yourself? No, I didn't. I struggled with self-acceptance for about 5 decades.
Do you now? Yes, I do. The struggle is over, without relapse.
What was your process of acceptance like? Several years of deep introspection and search for the source of self-acceptance taught me that one of the greatest hurdles to self-acceptance is the prevalent lie that self-acceptance comes from others. Most of us are on a lifelong search for someone to value us and convince us that we are worthy of acceptance. The truth is, no one can ever do that for you. And the constant search for such a person precludes us from ever finding it at all. It HAS to come from within yourself, totally separate from anyone else's opinion. I would say, however, that how you view others does have an impact on your ability to accept yourself. When you can honestly be forgiving of others and their faults and strive to BE a friend, you will find that your own estimation of your value will grow. A happy consequence of that process is that others begin to think better of you also. But, your own attitudes must change first. I've also found that once I did accept myself, other opinions no longer held any sway whatsoever over me. While I DO appreciate and desire other people's approval and acceptance, I have no NEED of it, because I have found an acceptance that doesn't waver.
Steph

[dreamer_2.0]

But, your own attitudes must change first.

This one of my biggest challenges. I've developed such a cynical outlook and dislike most of humanity (present company excluded, of course). My therapist has her work cut out for her.

[groove67]

You just know as i did all my life that i was a woman in wrong body. I am three months from srs to correct all that. When i started cross dressing at age 11 i just knew i was a woman inside. Today i live 24 7 as a woman and have never been more happy. I love being femininie and looking that way. Being a woman is you are or you are not. There is no 50 50 trust me. Hormones have taken me where i felt i was all my life. And trust me once a woman always a woman love how i am treated as a woman by men and it is a great feeling. My journey is total postive and i know in three months i will go through many pains with srs surgery but in my mind i know it will be worth it.

[KellyJameson]

Acceptance was a problem because for a long time I did not understand what I was trying to accept yet I kept trying to metamorph into a woman without calling it this or consciously admitting that is what I was doing and that is what I am

The deepest part of my mind knew the truth but I was actively trying to suppress it.

Even when you reach that point where you consider the idea there are huge obstacles to overcome.

One was I had severe "transphobia" because I had experienced so much destructive behavior in the transsexual community I did not want to be "crazy" like them plus I did not want to be even more of a "social outcast" than I already felt I was.

There is also the problem of understanding the difference between a transvestite, crossdresser, ect. versus a transsexual so if you make the mistake of thinking others are like you as a "label" when they are nothing like you as "you" than it pushes you farther away from acceptance because you are repelled by others so reject yourself when others really are not representative of self.

I am nothing like the transvestites I have met who have always been men in drag except when they are not, which is rare.

You cannot base acceptance of yourself by what you experience as being "transsexual" in other people or you risk never accepting yourself because you will never find yourself in another transsexual but only pieces of yourself and even this is different from person to person.

We use words to understand ourselves but at the risk of being deceived by these very words.

In many ways trying to decide if you are transsexual or not is like trying to find something that is invisible.

One way to find the truth is to look for the wreckage it leaves behind in your life like so many bread crumbs that will lead you back to you and it will be painted all over your life.

It is different for everyone but even in these differences you see a pattern so when you hear other peoples stories you experience a common theme.

The song is different but with a common melody.

The only thing I can suggest is to search for that identity that knows itself as a woman.

It is not wanting to be a woman but that knowing of "being a woman" that creates the wanting to be a woman on the outside.

You have to go really deep into the self to find this.

She (you) would always have been there since the very beginning, long before you had words to name her.

[melissakozak]

I wish I could find the article on self acceptance a transwoman wrote years ago. She says, and I truly believe this, that self acceptance is the most important mental accomplishment because it sets the gears in motion for you to live your life the way YOU need to live it to be truly happy and content. Sage advice.

[dreamer_2.0]

I'll try googling TS self-acceptance, maybe I'll find that article you mentioned, Melissa.

Kelly - Thanks for that post. You mentioned quite a few areas I need to think hard on. I like that you mentioned deciding if you're transexual is like searching for something invisible. That's kind of how I feel. I'm reading, watching TS videos, post a million questions online and constantly think about this stuff...yet I feel like I'm searching for an answer that may not even exist.

[MysticLady]

Did you always accept yourself? Do you now? What was your process of acceptance like?

Hello Dreamer Girl

Yes, acceptance of yourself is sometimes difficult. I was the same way. How could this be of me, I would ask myself. I went through a massive purge at the end of last year and I did not like it one bit. At that time I felt like I was hiding a part of myself and keeping her under covers. She fought me w/ a fury that I could not contain her anymore. I had too let her back out in order to proceed w/ peaceful life. I embraced this lovely side of me and I am at peace. Plus, I enjoy it very much.

[Sephina]

even tho i have been out for over a year i still struggled with accepting it, now i have finally accepted it, i may have a male shell but im not nor have i ever been male, i am female now all thats left to do is make my body congruent with my mind and soul and become one finally its so rough tho, all of it the acceptance they self doubt the struggle everything, it takes its toll im just glad that i know have the knowledge to do something about it.

[BOBBI G.]

Pretty much agree with Ellen. As far back as my memory cells can go, I always felt different, but didn't know why. As I grew I borrowed my sisters clothes because they felt nice and seemed to calm me. I never really wanted to play in an "reindeer games". As I got older I started getting my own wardrobe, and have replaced it many times, because of the dreaded purging syndrome.

Today I feel quite comfortable in my own skin. I am in transition and Whatever happens I will be content with. To quote that famous orator, Popeye, "I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam".

Bobbi

[JohnH]

Arbon, it is funny I was also worried about being hated and rejected.....turns out I wasn't hated but I was pretty much rejected when I was trying to be a boy. So even hiding it didn't do much good.

What you say AlmostALady, is so true in my case. Since I quit trying to be a real man and being on HRT it is really amazing that I get along with others so much better. I even get much more respect. And I do not attempt to pass as a genetic woman.

Johanna

[Kimberly Kael]

Did you always accept yourself? Do you now? What was your process of acceptance like?

That's a complicated question, because it's entangled with "how did I see myself?" I think I've always had a strong sense of self – it just took decades to get the labels right! I never did understand find any appeal in the typical boyish pursuits and as a result I never did go down the overcompensation road. The only sport I ever pursued was gymnastics, competing until grade seven where there was no program for boys. So that was the end of that. I was happy to live a relatively androgynous childhood where intellectual pursuits seemed like a good fit, presumably because they were inherently un-gendered. I never fit in anywhere but I was far from alone in that respect, so I found plenty of friends among those who didn't feel a strong need to fit in, either.

When I moved out and started buying my own clothes I took advantage of the freedom. Within a few years I was comfortable enough to dress occasionally around the women I dated, at least in private. I wasn't entirely shy about dropping hints to other friends, either. I played a cross-dressing character in one of our pencil-and-paper role playing games, and went to a halloween party with my friends as an "out of work cross-dressing actor" at one point. So I leaned toward self-acceptance even though I would never have guessed that I would eventually live full-time as a woman. I just never thought it was an option!

It wasn't until I started seeing articles about transgender prom kings and queens that it started to sink in, and I began serious introspection about my gender identity. That process took another decade, and it didn't come nearly as easily. I had lived so long in my assigned gender that I was extremely cautious about making a change. I had a successful career, a loving and supportive wife, and I didn't want to do anything foolish. So I took my time, spent a week en femme in another city, and spent a year with a therapist before I was ready to accept my path. It was easy to catch glimpses of acceptance, but it took a lot of time to overcome my fears an relax into it.

[Vivian Best]

I'm in the seventh decade of my life and its only been in the last couple that I've really been able to accept and conclude what and who I am. Given the length of my life I go back to the point in time when transsexualism wasn't even a word SRS was happening on a very crude level and you didn't mention, for many types of fear, that you felt "different." Honestly, I knew I was different but I had absolutely no idea why!

I couldn't understand why I had to wear female clothing! I thought no other boy in the world was doing what I was doing, why? In 1953 Christine Jorgenson had her SRS and all of a sudden some things begin to crystallize, but the turmoil continued.

Diagnosis, transsexualism is a self diagnosis! Girls here are right, it is invisible, no one but you know how you feel inside! Your parents can't see it, your relatives can't see it, and your therapist can't see it either. However, she can concur with your own diagnosis.

Acceptance, another thing you have to do yourself! I got to the point I didn't know if I could go on if I didn't do something. I wasn't as smart as you are Dreamer, I didn't know to seek help besides most therapist knew less about transsexualism than I did at that time. Unfortunately, many still don't. Either I was going to accept myself the way I was or I going to go insane or worse! Slowly I began to feel that it was OK to be the way I was. I didn't ask to be that way! I didn't do anything to make myself that way! It was just me and that's going to be OK! You are the way you are from the prenatal part of your life through today and its OK!

[melissaK]

Threads a few days old, lots of good insightful histories. I'll toss mine in too.


Did I always accept myself? No. It took me 50 years.

My fight against self acceptance has been the biggest factor shaping my personality throughout my whole adult life.

Unlike many, I knew early in my life I had gender issues. I knew at age 13, in 1969, I was a TS. I also learned very quickly they were labelled freaks and treated with derision and contempt. I knew I didn't want to be labelled a freak and treated with derision, so it would be another 36 years before I ever again listened to that inner voice that "knew".

Willpower only gets you so far and I spent a lot of money on counseling and coping strategies for my CD/TG/TS desires. At one point i yielded enough to say "I was just a crossdresser." That was a long way from real self acceptance.

About 7-8 years ago, GD was consuming me worse than ever before until that date. I was unable to reconcile the desire to transition with the notion it was a morally and socially unacceptable act for me to perform. No person judging their life by conservative social norms ever thinks transitioning is a good idea and I was no exception. Add in being in love with my wife and knowing that would likely end, and there was no reason to transition. But still I wanted to, the inner voice in my head said I HAD to. (Sound like you in some regards?).

And the GD got worse, In 2005 I was having dissociative amnesia events, and my long time counselor was on vacation, and I had a major mental health break down. My personality split into alters over the indecision. Part of me wanted to transition, part didn't. Your counselors exercise with you first saying why you should, then changing chairs and saying why you shouldn't, was very much like I was, except it wasn't an exercise for me. Part of me didn't speak to part if me. Weird but true. I was a mess - albeit a high functioning mess.

In that breakdown I started HT but without full transitioning, thus reaching a compromise between the part of me that wanted to transition and the part of me that didn't. It was a truce with myself of sorts. A way to prolong that ultimate decision to transition. A way to prolong full self acceptance.

In the following time HT made me feel really good. And in that time I healed my personality splits.

However, the following years became increasingly hard. Just HT wasn't enough! What kind of condition is this that demands transition?!?

In 2012 once again GD was killing me. I went back into counseling to head off dissociative events.

In January this year I gave in and said, ok. Time to own up to being "me." Time to be authentic - be a girl (ok an old lady). Time to transition.

So 1969 to 2013. What is that? 44 years on the path to self acceptance.

I set a low bar. You can do better.

What helped me accept myself? Nothing did. I just had to. My own psychic PAIN from being someone I wasn't - gender dysphoria - got so bad that ANYTHING was better. And then when I "came out" and started to act like myself, a girl of sorts, and I felt "happy" for the first time in my life, THEN I knew I could accept myself.

And as an end note, transition has not led me where I expected - and I'm not fully out to the world as would be stereotypically thought of for transitioning. But that's a different story I've told elsewhere in the forum.

And FWIW, I'm not into thinking about "Do overs" in my life. I did what I did. I'm alive. I am happy. I am in love with one woman going on forever, I have kids and grandkids, I have a job and I have a few friends. I wouldn't want any of it to be different.

So, have fun in counseling. :-)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

whatever you do, forget wishing for "do overs"

I so agree with that...above all else that is step 1

[LeaP]

... I also learned very quickly they were labelled freaks and treated with derision and contempt. ...

Yes, that was crystal clear from what I read and from the few comments and conversations I would hear about transsexuals back then.

But I have to say that nothing prepared me for the attitudes expressed by those close to me. Not derision and contempt aimed at me directly, but really barbed, emotion-laden comments about how "the general population" views transsexuals. That, of course, carries exactly the same messages and impact as having it aimed directly at me. What comes at me directly are comments about being broken, characterizations of transsexuality as other conditions (such as obsessions, manifestations of stress, even mid-life crisis), and the absurdity and falseness of transition. It is a withering barrage, recently and neatly characterized by Anne as a crucifixion. (I agree.)

(Edit)

To the questions in the OP:

I never accepted myself because I never understood myself. Then, when I begin to understand myself, I was appalled. My experience through that period was anger and mental/emotional confusion, the latter at a level causing me to question whether it was some sort of psychosis. Intellectual acceptance came in time and with research. Emotional acceptance came with the emerging sense of actually having a gender. To that point, I had felt like some sort of non-entity.

Self acceptance is key to your readiness to take action. I find it doesn't necessarily correlate with happiness. Instead, it seems to focus dysphoria and provide a spur toward resolution. That is, if I now feel more keenly what I am, I also feel more keenly what I am not.

[dreamer_2.0]

Well, that leaves me something to look forward to.

yipee...

[melissakozak]

I found the article. It is at TSRoadmap.com, and under a tab on the side, there is a title called self acceptance. It is a great little read....

[GBJoker]

Hmm... I might have to try this debating with oneself some time...

melissakozak: I read that article, and... I dunno. It may work for some. Did nothing for me. I guess that stems from the fact that I don't have "self-esteem" problems. I tend to have "arrogance" problems more than anything. :p