Finally man'd up about it

[GBJoker]

Wait... I mean... Ah, nevermind.

So, for the first time in my life I actually took some initiative and made an appointment this past week with my school therapist. We were talking about all kinds of junk that's going on in my life and bugging me, when, near the end of the session, she just bluntly asked if there was anything she could do to actually help (since most of my problems would be solved by simply meeting people/having friends).

Well, I actually admitted to her that I believe very strongly I have Gender Dysphoria, as Wikipedia now titles the article. So, for the first time in my life, I revealed it to some one who can actually do something about it. She asked me how much of myself do I perceive as female, and I then shocked myself further by saying, without hesitation, "75% female, 25% male." She asked me why that ratio, and I said, "Because I'm still scared of being a female. I guess I'm kinda holding on to the masculinity for protection or something." She did the usual therapist stuff, and then stated she'd look up more information for our next session.

I've been doing a ton of research on transgenderism and gender dysphoria (formerly GID) these past few years, but I didn't realize just how much I... How to word this... Truly am gender dysphoric. Well, lately, I've been doing research on hormones. And thus, we arrive at the point of this post.

I'm thinking of talking to my therapist about hormone treatments. I've found out a lot of scientific details on hormones and how they affect the body and so forth (with the only exception being their names. I always hated chemistry...), but I'm kinda hoping I could pester some people here for a few things. I feel very strongly that I would like to do hormones. I also feel very strongly that I would NOT like to do SRS. The reasoning behind this is simple; I'm 25. There's lots of time for SRS. Plus, I'd like to do some things before... ya know... losing it.

Ahem, so... What should I be expecting here? I know I probably shouldn't expect my therapist to just give the green light at the end of the session next Tuesday, and I'm okay with that. But like... what kinds of questions do I need to seriously ask myself and force myself to think about for several hours while meditating before giving an honest answer? How much do hormones cost? My father's insurance will run out when I turn 26 in December, so... cost is definitely a factor. I also know that I shouldn't expect miracles within a year, so the next question off the top of my head is thus; I've started exercising lately, and next Monday I want to really pump it up to shed the weight (I'm an embarrassing 215...). Is high levels or intensity of exercise okay while on hormone treatments? My diet has been vastly improved, so I don't foresee any problems with that. Um... I'm trying to think up some other questions... I reserve the right to ask questions later. :p

Also, on a slightly less serious note, would hormones have any effect on baldness?

Well, thanks in advance for reading this semi-long post. I'll try my best to respond promptly.

[stefan37]

Well you say you are young and would "like to do some things before losing it". There will be a very good chance you will lose it on hormones. Your Testicles will shrink, your penis will in most cases not get erect. You will become sterile, so if children are a important to you at some point, that would be a concern. At your early age breast growth could be significant, are you ok with that? Why not just start to express yourself as you feel comfortable and see how that goes. It is good you are questioning and seeking answers at a young age. As you say there is plenty of time.

[kimdl93]

Glad o hear you're speaking with a therapist. Take your time and get a good handle on your gender identity before assuming anything.

[melissakozak]

Go slow and be open to all possibilities....but don't rush into anything....

[Stephanie-L]

As Stefan said, if there are "things" you want to do before you consider SRS, then you probably should not start hormones. You may have some very significant changes, though possibly not quite the absolutes Stefan posted. You will almost certainly become sterile (after some time on hormones, maybe reversible by quitting, but probably not), you may or may not lose your ability to have an erection (I know of several "professional girls" for whom that is a major selling factor, LOL), your penis and testicles will probably shrink, etc. At your age, you may have more reaction regarding breast growth than some older girls, it depends how far out of puberty you are. You mention baldness, is there a propensity towards male pattern baldness in your family? This can be caused by a few things linked to hormones, and can be treated, without affecting the other things that the culprit, testosterone, does, usually finasteride is helpful for this. As to cost, if you go the DIY route, which I do not recommend, you can probably do it for $100/month, but to get proper supervision, lab work, etc, then I would expect twice that or more here in the US. You mentioned seeing the school therapist, you may be able to get help/health insurance through your school, possibly even prescriptions filled on campus, depending on what school of course. You goal of losing weight is a good one, that will help you no matter what you do. Keep seeing your therapist, and if possible find one who has experience with gender issues, they are not common and may not be available through your school, but they are invaluable. That said, any therapist (except for a few of the extreme "Faith based" ones) is better than none. If you truly feel you are TG, you can do some other things, such as starting work on facial hair, that takes years and many $, and will not affect you very much if later you decide you are not TG. Above all, keep working on figuring out who you are and what you want, for many of us that has taken twice your lifetime. Good luck and keep us informed................Stephanie

[melissaK]

Sweetie, answering all your questions would take a book or two. You seem plenty smart and you are reading up on yourself which I think is a good idea, but a little knowledge can be dangerous. You learn to start a car, put it in gear, and start moving in chapters 1 and 2. But you need to know chapters 3 and 4 on steering and stopping before your can apply what you have learned.

You said your therapist has to read up on how to counsel you. She may do great as a rookie, or not. I'd ask for a referral to an experienced "gender" counselor, and if there is one, then see if you can get that paid for by insurance. Don't quit who you have until you have a better one lined up.

When you say dysphoria, what do you mean. I haven't read your other 264 posts so I apologize for being lazy. Generally SRS is the solution of last resort. And you'll know it the right thing for you.

And since you aren't sure yet about what is the right thing for you, I highly recommend you buy and complete Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook" (2013). I found it an excellent tool. I knew a ton about what the workbook takes you through, but I completed it anyway. The process of doing the workbook exercises made a difference as it made "me" apply knowledge to "me." And I gained a lot from it.

I think anyone with gender issues would. If you don't know of her, Kate Bornstein did MTF SRS and wasn't all that happy afterwards even though she passed fine. She wrote some books about it. She considers herself a gender outlaw, and that idea offended a lot of peoples sensibilities. The idea you should be allowed to be whatever gender or blend of genders is more shocking to most people than changing genders.

Working with others she has created the "My Gender Workbook" to raise the reader's level of self understanding and self acceptance so you don't transition for wrong reasons and don't have unrealistic expectations. IMHO her book at $25.00 or whatever, is a worthwhile investment in yourself.

(And in the interests of full disclosure, I'm identifying as gender outlaw. And it's not an easy place, it still required "coming out" but it fits me. I am in counseling and have been on and off for 21 years. I have been on HT for 7 years. I have a 38b bra size. I have limited traditional male sex function and no sperm. I am 58. I am married, because my wife is amazing.)

[KellyJameson]

Because hormones can be so dangerous I'm not comfortable sharing my thoughts and opinions but here is a link that may give you some information.

http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/hrt_m2f.htm

There seems to be a relationship between sex hormones and the hormone insulin where they interact. I'm still trying to understand this relationship but the science seems to be sound that they do indeed affect each other so diabetes or insulin insensitivity could affect your reaction to HRT.

In my opinion you want to be in the best shape possible to reduce the strain placed on your organs by the HRT.

Losing any excess weight and a diet low in sugars and carbs may be something you may wish to consider.

You may want to Goggle "hormonal disorders affect homeostasis" for additional reading.

If I was in your position I would first want to be sure my dysphoria is not related to "low testosterone" caused by excess weight that you experience as gender dysphoria

Also social anxiety seems to be a factor and in this weaken state you do not want to run toward the "maternal" as the "feminine" for emotional sanctuary and think this is GID.

GID is about identity so it is a "feeling of being" like a type of "knowing" that this is who I am not a movement toward the "feminine" and away from the "masculine"

You do not want to escape your true self because you are finding it difficult to overcome problems unrelated to identity.

GID can create social anxiety but the anxiety comes from the experience of danger to self as "identity" so rejection of or attack on self by others so the anxiety comes from trying to hide your true self from others and what they may do to you if they learn of it.

You keep it a secret that your are actually female and hope no one notices or finds out and this anxiety would have started in childhood and increased during puberty and continues to increase until the GID is resolved.

This is different from the anxiety associated with the fear of social failure that comes out of the feelings of incompetence or not being "good enough" or "as good" as others.

This anxiety comes from comparison but not as an extension of identity

You are protecting the "self" but not the self "as female"

I would encourage you to really understand the source of your social anxiety and be in the best shape of your life and than consider HRT.

This way you rule out any possible confusion that may be interpreted as GID or at the very least will strip away any layers that will than leave only the GID behind.

It is a paradox that you want to be as psychologically healthy as possible when confronting GID but the GID prevents this until you transition so you want to move as closely to this state of health as you can and than assess your feelings.

Heal from everything you possibly can and be the best you can possibly be and than confront your identity so you know with absolute conviction it is only because you ARE female that you MUST change to the DEGREE YOU NEED to.

[JohnH]

If you are willing to take injectable estrogen the cost is really minimal. I get my estrogen from a compounding pharmacy for about $60 (including shipping). The vial has a shelf life of about 5 months and contains more than enough estrogen to fulfil my prescription for the 5 months. The package also includes the necessary syringes and needles. My endocrinologist visits and lab tests are covered by my wife's health insurance. So there is a way to do the HRT inexpensively.

I had a thinning area of my hair that has since then filled in with the approximately 20 months I have been on HRT.

However, it's MUCH harder for me to lose weight than before I was on HRT.

Johanna

[ReineD]

GB, I see that you're in St Louis.

You might benefit from attending a TG support group, just to get some practice going out there as yourself. I can vouch for the following group, it is *excellent* even if there are only a handful of people your age. There are all levels of trans there from individuals who see themselves as being gender non-conforming, to post-op transwomen who welcome everyone.

They don't meet in July and August, but you could apply now and set it up for September. You might make some friends! :)

If you don't feel comfortable going out as yourself in public yet, there is a changing room on the premises, or I'm sure that you'd be welcome to come just as you are while you're getting your feet wet. The aim of the group is to provide support to everyone. It's usually a short business meeting, dinner, and some sort of activity usually an invited speaker. Plus lots of time to chat with the members. There are usually a handful who go out afterwards to LGBT friendly places.

http://www.stlouisgenderfoundation.org

[KellyJameson]

Here is a link you may find interesting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmEJEfy5f50

[GBJoker]

stefan37: Well, I've known for almost five years now that I'm going to be adopting kids, so that's not a big deal to me. I believe I'd be okay with breast growth. Depends on how my first job after college takes it. That job will last up to three years, so... I dunno.

Stephanie-L: I have no idea if/when puberty ended...

My father and I are most definitely bald. We don't know where exactly it came from, but one look at us and one can easily say, "Yep, bald, and going bald fast."

I had found several therapists around where I live that specialize in gender issues, but only one of them accepted insurance, and she was too far away to realistically go to every week. The rest were charging from 300 to 3000 a session which I nor my family can afford.

melissaK: When I use the word 'dysphoria," it's because Wikipedia says the big time professional psych's call it.

And I do feel sure about what the right thing is for me.

KellyJameson: I do not have low testosterone. I've already done that test.

I'm not really understanding where the rest of your post or your second post is coming from. I have zero symptoms of SAD. I might qualify for "love-shyness," but that's totally different.

JohannaH: Well, it sounds like I won't even be able to afford that too well until next year, so that's lots of time to drop a lot of weight.

ReineD: I tried that place before and it was a disaster.

[ReineD]

ReineD: I tried that place before and it was a disaster.

Oh, sorry. Was I there? Did we talk?

I tend to believe that the more outreach, the better. But, maybe this is not so good for some people. :sad: Sorry again.

[GBJoker]

I don't remember if we talked. My memory has been ripped to shreds and is practically non-existant anymore. All I remember is that it didn't work out for me for some reason.

[Barbara Ella]

GB, some excellent advice here, and it seems you have already been through some of it. You are taking the right steps, feeling it within yourself to discuss it with another is a great step. Believe me, and the others, lose as much weight as possible before starting hormones. Keep up the conversation with your therapist, and don't forget the girls here who can provide support and relief as requested.

If you get rid of your T, depending on the underlying cause, yes. MPB is most responsive, no guarantees. Some of us got too old before starting to see much, so I am talking from a limited experience basis, so what I say is kind of a real FWIW.

Barbara

[GBJoker]

You know what, forget it. This thread is stressing me way the hell out. I can't even sleep. I'm just going to ignore any more posts.

[mikiSJ]

She did the usual therapist stuff, and then stated she'd look up more information for our next session.

I realize you said your 'school therapist' and that your are still on your parents insurance - but if there is any way to find a therapist experienced with GID, I would really recomment you do. On the job training is not what you need at the moment.

[GBJoker]

I have already looked up GID specialists in my area. The options I am presented with is a mere six months of a GID therapist, or one full year with the school therapist. I chose the latter. Especially because I am already seeing her because of severe depression and suicidal tendencies, thus, she already knows most of my story. If I went to a GID specialist now, I'd half to spend two or more months explaining everything, and in my opinion, that would be a waste of time. After December, I simply won't have the money to see any therapist for until at least... six to eight years from now. And that's assuming I dominate my master's degree and PhD stuff.

And yes, GID is one of the factors in my depression and thoughts of suicide. And quite frankly, I can't wait 6-8 years. I have seen first hand dozens of people right here on this site who some how managed to wait 50+ years before doing anything. But I'm just not as strong as any of you.

[Marleena]

Joker is your school therapist able to prescribe antidepressants for you, it might help. Or can she have your GP prescribe them. Sometimes it's not a matter of being strong, it's survival mode. Many of us are treated for depression and sometimes repeatedly throughout our lives until we deal with the GD. It's common for GD to hit in later life too.

*edit*

I'm only suggesting antidepressants as a temporary coping measure. Sounds like HRT may be needed. You are brave to discuss gender issues with your school therapist so just know that.

[Sandieland]

GB, you are not alone is dealing with depression...regardless of cause. I want to pass along this video of a remarkable young man...there is much hope to be found in his words.
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?g=2