Barbara Ella
07-20-2013, 05:31 PM
My wife issued that statement just last Tuesday.
The back story as told too many times is that my wife has said that she intellectually supports me, but cannot participate with me. She said repeatedly in the past if I expressed or dressed as a woman to an extent where she felt I was a woman, she could not stay married.
To me, expressing and being were extremely intertwined in my mind, and the past 9 months have been hell as I kept my fears of telling her I was female to myself and fought against the results of coming out to her, and being honest with who I was, and what I was doing.
Friday a week ago, there was a Dear Abby letter about a TS worried about coming out. The title hit me hard, and I was in a funk the entire day. Even the grandson asked "What wrong with grandpa?" The letter was about coming out to a date about being TS etc. But just the coming out feeling was enough to fuel my fears of what would happen if my wife knew.
That evening we had a long discussion about the letter, and the fears of a TS in life, and what I was going through. She still clings to the thought I am only a crossdresser, and had not yet grasped the concept of being TG. She knew I had a feminine component, but had not progressed. I explained GD, the nature of being gender fluid. She questioned about my gender as I underdress 24/7, and how could i still be a male if I wear female underwear, and was I no longer comfortable with her when I was with her. The gender fluid description seemed to satisfy her.
Well, Monday was my alone day, and the hormones kicked in, and it was a crying day for me over the usual future of her knowing. For the first time, wife came home, and noticed I had been crying, and asked about it. I explained it had to do with my internal struggles to come to grips with who I am, without going into the specifics.
BOOM. That evening was the Major Crimes episode about the young TS girl who was assaulted and murdered, and the family tensions, etc. Well, I cried through the whole show. That evening we continued the in depth discussion of being TS, and the nature of GD, and coming to grips with who I am. She asked point blank, "Do you want to be a woman?" My reply was only semi honest, and I said I felt I could never be a true woman, and if my body was worked on, it would only approximate being a woman to the extent my mind and body were in synch, but I would never be a "true" woman because of my starting point. Also, at my age, progressing to any SRS is likely not going to happen.
Tuesday morning, we sat together over coffee, and she looked at me and said. "It doesn't matter to me if you are female. It should not matter what we are inside, and most likely we would be better off if everyone had bits of each gender working. But, I cannot take seeing you presenting as a woman, maybe in time, but not now." She said if I needed counseling or a support group, she was now in favor of that. She has begun to absorb the concept that this is more than crossdressing. She also said that my being female was not a divorce trigger, but dressing still might be. She thinks that with time whe will be able to accept me androgenous, but no guarantees, just the way she is wired to me after 42 years of marriage before all this hit the fan.
It was then that it hit me. She has a distinct compartmentalization between being female, intellectually, and presenting as a woman, visual. I had not made this separation before as it was all to personal to me. But now her attitude and fears made sense.
I know I have still not been totally forthcoming, but believe me, that takes time, and her acceptance and well being are uppermost in my live, even over my being able to connect physical and mental. With time, it will come, bit by bit. Right now I am so peaceful that my being female will not trigger anything drastic. I am hopeful that with HRT I can keep mind and body in synch without the physical need for dressing around the house. She is fine with my driving to another town, getting a room, and going out, just not where she, or our friends can see me. i have to respect that. Jokingly she said that if I was 80 I could dress all the time because by that time everyone would buy her statement that I was just senile. We are not intimate due to both our medications, but she said only that if I was female, I was not to expect sex.
My week has seen me with a peace of mind I have not known for quite some time. Sorry to have written so much, but I needed to share.
Thanks
Barbara
The back story as told too many times is that my wife has said that she intellectually supports me, but cannot participate with me. She said repeatedly in the past if I expressed or dressed as a woman to an extent where she felt I was a woman, she could not stay married.
To me, expressing and being were extremely intertwined in my mind, and the past 9 months have been hell as I kept my fears of telling her I was female to myself and fought against the results of coming out to her, and being honest with who I was, and what I was doing.
Friday a week ago, there was a Dear Abby letter about a TS worried about coming out. The title hit me hard, and I was in a funk the entire day. Even the grandson asked "What wrong with grandpa?" The letter was about coming out to a date about being TS etc. But just the coming out feeling was enough to fuel my fears of what would happen if my wife knew.
That evening we had a long discussion about the letter, and the fears of a TS in life, and what I was going through. She still clings to the thought I am only a crossdresser, and had not yet grasped the concept of being TG. She knew I had a feminine component, but had not progressed. I explained GD, the nature of being gender fluid. She questioned about my gender as I underdress 24/7, and how could i still be a male if I wear female underwear, and was I no longer comfortable with her when I was with her. The gender fluid description seemed to satisfy her.
Well, Monday was my alone day, and the hormones kicked in, and it was a crying day for me over the usual future of her knowing. For the first time, wife came home, and noticed I had been crying, and asked about it. I explained it had to do with my internal struggles to come to grips with who I am, without going into the specifics.
BOOM. That evening was the Major Crimes episode about the young TS girl who was assaulted and murdered, and the family tensions, etc. Well, I cried through the whole show. That evening we continued the in depth discussion of being TS, and the nature of GD, and coming to grips with who I am. She asked point blank, "Do you want to be a woman?" My reply was only semi honest, and I said I felt I could never be a true woman, and if my body was worked on, it would only approximate being a woman to the extent my mind and body were in synch, but I would never be a "true" woman because of my starting point. Also, at my age, progressing to any SRS is likely not going to happen.
Tuesday morning, we sat together over coffee, and she looked at me and said. "It doesn't matter to me if you are female. It should not matter what we are inside, and most likely we would be better off if everyone had bits of each gender working. But, I cannot take seeing you presenting as a woman, maybe in time, but not now." She said if I needed counseling or a support group, she was now in favor of that. She has begun to absorb the concept that this is more than crossdressing. She also said that my being female was not a divorce trigger, but dressing still might be. She thinks that with time whe will be able to accept me androgenous, but no guarantees, just the way she is wired to me after 42 years of marriage before all this hit the fan.
It was then that it hit me. She has a distinct compartmentalization between being female, intellectually, and presenting as a woman, visual. I had not made this separation before as it was all to personal to me. But now her attitude and fears made sense.
I know I have still not been totally forthcoming, but believe me, that takes time, and her acceptance and well being are uppermost in my live, even over my being able to connect physical and mental. With time, it will come, bit by bit. Right now I am so peaceful that my being female will not trigger anything drastic. I am hopeful that with HRT I can keep mind and body in synch without the physical need for dressing around the house. She is fine with my driving to another town, getting a room, and going out, just not where she, or our friends can see me. i have to respect that. Jokingly she said that if I was 80 I could dress all the time because by that time everyone would buy her statement that I was just senile. We are not intimate due to both our medications, but she said only that if I was female, I was not to expect sex.
My week has seen me with a peace of mind I have not known for quite some time. Sorry to have written so much, but I needed to share.
Thanks
Barbara